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Fan Fic: Halo Combat Deformed

"Oh, crap."

— The Master Chief, right before something bad happens to him yet again

Picture the Halo universe. Now add an absentminded, mentally unstable protagonist with violent impulses and a penchant for silly exclamations, a beautiful-but-frustrated AI, a black Marine who listens to metal and kicks ass and brags about his size, a religious coalition of alien races hell-bent on activating the Halos (and raping humanity into extinction along the way), and a legion of horrific zombifying sex parasites. The result?

Halo: Combat Deformed!

Authored by St. Araqiel with the help of his younger brother, this fic parodies the first game in a rather perverted manner (he freely admits he wrote as such because it was the first thing he thought of). A sequel (Halo 2 Idiots) has been published as well, but as of July 2008, it is effectively dead, owing to Attention Deficit Creator Disorder.

Volunteers, step up!

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Examples Contained in Both Fics

Angrish: The Chief's war cries usually consist of this.
Attack! Attack! Attack!: Elite Zealots and berserking Brutes. Also, the Chief when he runs amok.
Badass Boast: Johnson gets two, just like in the games (which also count as Rousing Speeches). Tartarus and Rtas 'Sadumee each have one in the second fic.
Johnson: Am I right, Marines?
Marines: SIR, YES, SIR!
Balls of Steel: Captain Keyes plays with this trope in that while getting pistol-whipped in the 'nads does hurt him, he doesn't react for a few seconds, then simply grunts, "Ow."
- On the other hand, Sergeant Johnson gets hit by the Arbiter and Tartarus in the second fic and feels it just fine (though the Arbiter gets a bruised knee for his trouble).
- Also averted with the Covenant in general, and Private Dubbo.
Black Comedy Rape: Every occurrence of rape is treated this way, in varying degrees. One that particularly stands out is Captain Keyes on Sergeant Johnson.
Eldritch Abomination: The Orgy.
Leaning on the Fourth Wall: To the surprise of Cortana, Sergeant Johnson is able to kill the Master Chief with nothing but his belt. Luckily, the Chief respawns a few seconds later.
- When a similar thing happens in the sequel, Cortana even refers to it as "respawning."
- While fleeing the exploding Pillar of Autumn in a Warthog, the Chief casually mentions that their surroundings look "a lot like a video game level."
Mercy Kill: While looking for Keyes, the Chief does this to a hysterical, trigger-happy Marine he runs into.
- In H2I, Johnson shoots dead a Marine being raped by an Elite.
- The Arbiter also asks Gravemind for this.
Military Salute: In the first fic, Johnson returns a lower-ranked Marine's salute in an unusual way. In the second, he and the Chief salute Admiral Sir Hood. Johnson's unbelted pants fall down in the process, much to Lord Hood's disgust.
Precision F-Strike: Mostly from Cortana. In H2I, she really unloads.
- Johnson and 'Sadumee do this, as well.
Running Gag: Dubbo suffering wounds to his junk.
- The Chief disarming Elites of their energy swords and violently inserting said weapons into their anal cavities.

Examples Contained in Halo: Combat Deformed

A Date with Rosie Palms: A stealth Elite hiding in Captain Keyes' lifepod.
- Sergeant Johnson, with a charged plasma pistol, and later, in Foehammer's bunk.
BFG: The M111 Battle Cannon. The Chief doesn't get to use it for long, though.
Chekhov's Gun: Johnson's belt.
Dream Sequence/Nightmare Sequence: The Master Chief has one while in cryo-sleep.
Flat "What.": The Chief's reaction to Guilty Spark's presence aboard the Pillar of Autumn.
I'll Be in My Bunk: Cortana tells Captain Keyes something to this effect in the beginning.
Jumping on a Grenade: Sergeant Stacker gets stuck with a plasma grenade while riding a tank and hops off so it doesn't kill the Marine on the jumpseat behind him, too.
Rewarded as a Traitor Deserves: Though not shown, Ellen Dowski's thanks for betraying the command crew is a fatal gang rape at Covenant hands. Her body is found by the rescue force in the brig of the Truth and Reconciliation.
Shotguns Are Just Better: The Master Chief swaps his sidearm for a shotgun he finds in the swamp. It turns out to be a good idea.
Shot in the Ass: Johnson, with needler rounds; the Chief, with an overcharged plasma shot, then a Sentinel beam.
Too Dumb to Live: The Master Chief. Luckily for him, he has Plot Armor.
- Captain Keyes, on the other hand...