The characters from Help Not Wanted and its subsequent sequels.
Some spoilers are unmarked.
open/close all folders
The Four Goblins
In General
- Action Survivor: The goblins have very minimal weapons training. None of them even so much as carry a dirk or dagger with them, and they rely on survival by depending on one another or using quick thinking and the environment to their advantage. This is downplayed after the first story, as the goblins have a bit more fighting experience and they always travel carrying some type of weapon.
- Anti-Hero Team: All of them are morally-shady goblins with a penchant for insulting each other and stealing, and they're not above abusing or getting innocents killed—intentionally or otherwise. Nevertheless, they still strive to help people in need, and they're nowhere near as bad as some of the infamous villains in the Legatum series.
- Break the Haughty: None of the goblins were exactly saints at the beginning of the first story. Being kidnapped and briefly tormented by Ogrell, while extreme, was somewhat karmic. And in the end, they became (slighty) better people.
- Combat Pragmatist: None of the goblins fight fair. Whether it's using a distraction, attacking a foe when it's four against one, using makeshift weapons, attacking the groin, biting, backstabbing—they do it all without shame if the outcome is their survival.
- Four-Temperament Ensemble:
- Bunng is the Phlegmatic. Out of the four goblins, he's the most level-headed one, he always approaches situations logically, knows how to talk to people in public, and typically tries to keep conflicts from occurring. He's also the most literate, which makes it easier for him to collect information and talk to people eloquently when needed. He's also the snarkiest of the bunch and something of a Cowardly Lion, only choosing to fight when he absolutely needs to.
- Krumvell is the Sanguine. Similar to Bunng, he knows how to talk to people—even random strangers—and enjoys making new friends. Unlike Bunng, he's a lot more outgoing and doesn't care what other people think; he just enjoys living a happy, joyful life even if other people around him finds his quirks kind of odd. And out of the four, he's the nicest one. He's also, unfortunately, very chatty to a fault, and his carefree behavior is narrow-minded—something many characters have noted is dangerous given how complex the world actually is.
- Groshlar is the Choleric. He's very outgoing and sociable, but he's also very loud, impulsive, rude, and violent. He doesn't let other people's opinions affect his behavior, but he chooses to act rebellious in public, constantly swearing and engaging in lewd, gross acts to fulfill his libido. He's also the most trigger-happy, and will more than likely harm or kill someone in a split second if he feels compelled to.
- Grovmar is the Melancholic. He tries to see the brighter side of things, but typically he ends up letting negativity bring him down to the point of feeling pessimistic about the world. Whenever he gets upset, he either bottles it all in (which leads to him having violent outbursts later) or he tells himself he'll feel better later, which also doesn't always work. He frequently tries to do good things primarily to prove to the world—and himself—that he's not worthless, and whenever he fails, he feels like everyone is out to get him because he's a goblin and isn't royalty. It's also implied he may have some kind of mood disorder. Nevertheless, he's still the most organized and polite goblin of the bunch, and his need to prove his self-worth led to him becoming more selfless as he got older.
- Fragile Speedster: All of the goblins are extremely fast and attack swiftly whenever in combat. But a single strike to the head, chest, or groin can easily injure/incapacitate them depending on how hard they're struck.
- Good Is Not Nice: None of them are shy about expressing their blunt, typically insulting thoughts and feelings to other people—and even to each other. Even Krumvell occasionally is very rude and abrasive, and he's made it very clear he's prejudiced to orcs.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: The goblins all deeply care for each other, despite the abundant amount of times they insult one another. Even Groshlar, who's a borderline Jerkass and sociopath, refused to leave Bunng to die within Ogrell's cave, and took an arrow to the chest in order to save his brother.
- The Pig-Pen: Like many goblins in the series, Bunng, Grovmar, Groshlar, and Krumvell have poor hygiene and rarely bathe.
- Potty Failure: All the goblins shit themselves at some point in the stories.
- Groshlar invokes this in chapter 3 of Remixed Phallic Memories in HD, where he soiled his shorts in front of a crowd of orcs just to disgust them after they said goblins are only good at being smelly.
- Krumvell also invokes this in chapter 13 of Frigid Fornication, where he ate sorchino peppers to induce a bowel movement and shat himself in order to get his drako captives to free him so he can try to escape as he's cleaning himself.
- Bunng suffers this in chapter 14 of Frigid Fornication, after he's fooled into drinking an emetic and finds out that (in hindsight) he was given a liquid laxative.
- Grovmar ends up intentionally shitting his pants in chapter 15 of Frigid Fornication during a fart contest with his brother and friends after they all dare him to do so. They even point out that, up until this point, Grovmar was the only goblin who hadn't soiled himself.
- The Power of Friendship: All the goblins survive largely due to their dependency of each other and their ability to fight back to back against foes much stronger than them.
- Straight Gay: The goblins are openly homosexual and frequently have sex with one another, although they don't display any stereotypical or campy traits.
- True Companions: By the end of Frigid Fornication, all four goblins have declared that they'll always stick together until the day they die. And like an actual family, all of them protect each other, love each other, trust one another, refuse to keep secrets, and don't judge another based on their sins (in large part because all four of them have done something morally reprehensible).
- Vitriolic Best Buds: All of the goblins routinely argue with one another, insult each other, and tend to blame each other if something goes wrong. They still care about each other, despite their brash nature.
- You Need a Breath Mint: All of the goblins have horrible breath. Sometimes they jokingly comment about it with each other, while other times other characters outright tell them they have foul breath.
Grovmar "Grov" Grollear
Appears in: Help Not Wanted | Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD | Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"Don't you wanna cross the bridge, Groshlar? Don't all of you wanna cross it? We already killed the monster; the bridge is wide open for us. And sure...I can guarantee all of you, once we cross that bridge, there's gonna be another monster. And another after that. And another after that. But won't it be worth it? Isn't it worth facing another monster so we can see the rest of this world, outside of Glordale?"
The leader of the goblin gang. He's also Groshlar's younger brother.
- Being Good Sucks: Reconstructed. In Frigid Fornication, Grovmar slowly gets fed up with the public discriminating against him because he's a goblin and because people only seem to care about the bad Grovmar and his friends have done, not the good. It reaches a point where he comes close to quitting altogether after he finds Chelsey's body and figures Wilma will blame him for it, even though he wasn't responsible. But after seeing just how far Selmeena was willing to go to prove she was a hero to her nation, Grovmar realizes he never wants to become anything like her, even if it means being hated by the public. The story ends with him finally accepting that even though he's not a hero, he can still do heroic deeds. And sometimes that's enough.
- Foolish Sibling, Responsible Sibling: Grov is clearly the more level-headed Grollear brother who tries to think situations though.
- I Meant to Do That: After Grovmar witnesses his brother shitting himself in front of a group of orcs (on purpose, mind you), he immediately makes up a story saying Groshlar did it to drive away carnivorous predators. They all buy it.
- It's All My Fault: Defied. Grov tries to blame himself over endangering his brother and friends. Grosh immediately punches him in the jaw and tells him to shut up, because he did nothing wrong and Ogrell is the one tormenting them.
- The Leader: Reconstructed. Grov is typically the one who comes up with ideas of what he and the other goblins should do, and tries to get them all to agree with him. After all of them are nearly killed because of Ogrell's schemes, he initially blames himself. It's because of this failure that Grov ultimately chooses to keep doing more contracts, because he wants to become a better leader and ensure that he and his gang have a better life.
- Speak Ill of the Dead: When Bunng points out that Thurrgar died during their adventures, Grov immediately tells him that he died because "he was a fucking idiot."
- Would Hurt a Child: In chapter 3 of Remixed Phallic Memories in HD, Grov picks up a log and bashes it against ten-year-old Orkonlli's head after being insulted by him too many times.
Groshlar "Grosh" Grollear
Appears in: Help Not Wanted | Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD | Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"Y’know, maybe if...maybe if I seek out and kill people like Ogrell, then perhaps this world will be less shitty. It's always gonna be shitty. Always. But there's no reason why it can't be tolerably shitty to a point where everyone knows they're sleeping in shit, and they're happy nonetheless."
The hot-headed and lustful member of the goblin gang. He's also Grovmar's older brother.
- All Gays are Promiscuous: Grosh is very perverted, and tries to have sex whenever he can—even if the other person in question isn't gay.
- The Bear: Grosh is physically the strongest and hairiest goblin out of the four. He's also the most lustful.
- Big Brother Instinct: Despite how he treats Grov, he still deeply cares about him whenever he gets upset. He even took an arrow near his chest just to save him.
- Foolish Sibling, Responsible Sibling: Grosh is very irresponsible and hot-headed, to the point where he blatantly murders an innocent man because he couldn't control his anger impulses.
- Insult Backfire: In chapter 3 of Remixed Phallic Memories in HD, a bunch of orcs tell Groshlar that he (and goblins) are only useful for stinking up the planet. Grosh responds by gleefully shitting himself and telling the orcs to come sniff his mess.
- The Lancer: Grosh frequently argues with Grov and tries to go about situations his own way—most of which are a lot more reckless—and his behavior contrasts Grov calm demeanor.
- Taking the Bullet: Takes an arrow to the chest protecting Grov. Fortunately, he survives.
Bunng
Appears in: Help Not Wanted | Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD | Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"We do need money. Desperately. We need a place to live. We need to find this ogre's daughter. We need to stop the War of the Dwarven Trio. We need to end world hunger. We need to kill all the cultists, witches, and wizards who long to resurrect demons. These are all things we 'need' to do, Grov."
The chubbiest and smartest member of the goblin gang.
- Cowardly Lion: Bunng is typically the goblin who tries to avoid a fight, especially when he knows he's very likely to lose, and tries to steer clear of life-threatening conflicts. Nevertheless, if his friends or other innocents are in peril and he's the only one who can save them, Bunng throws himself into danger anyway despite how scared he is.
- Fat Best Friend: He's the chubbiest out of all the goblins.
- The Smart Guy: Besides Grov, he knows how to read and write, and knows the definition of big words most goblins don't use. Bunng also kept the container of wyvern bait because he figured it'd be useful later (it was) and kept the bone Grosh removed from Mallwyn's teeth so he could turn it into a weapon. He also knows how to think quickly on his feet, and was the first one to notice early on that Ogrell wasn't who he said he was.
- Walking Shirtless Scene: All Bunng wears is a pair of underwear and beige trousers.
Krumvell "Krum"
Appears in: Help Not Wanted | Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD | Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"I see some food; I eat it. I see some water; I drink it. I'm cold; I look for shelter or build a fire. I'm in danger from a predator; I run away, hide, or try to kill it. That's life."
The kindest, most easy-to-please member of the goblin gang.
- Beware the Nice Ones: Even though he's a very friendly goblin, he's more than happy to brutally harm or murder anyone who puts innocent people or his friends in danger.
- Beware the Silly Ones: Similar to the above. Krumvell...is odd. But his queer behavior absolutely does not diminish how deadly he can be when he's pissed off and armed with a weapon.
- Big Eater: He gets hungry easily and is seen constantly eating some kind of food. Surprisingly, he's skinnier than Bunng.
- Cloudcuckoolander: Krumvell's sense of logic is very unconventional and does not make sense to other people except him. For example, when Krumvell is complaining that he's too hot during the heat wave in Remixed Phallic Memories in HD, his solution is to bang his head into a wall so his brain will focus more on his head trauma instead of the heat.
- Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: Krumvell is by far the silliest, and arguably dumbest, member of the goblin gang. He's also very crafty and sly in combat, relying heavily on subduing his enemies from behind and killing his opponents as quickly as possible.
- Dumbass Has a Point: When Grosh asks of any ideas of how to escape Ogrell's dungeon, he suggests that they starve themselves. Grosh tells him that that's not a good idea, while Krum tells him that he only asked for ideas, not good ideas.
- The Heart: The kindest member of the goblins who doesn't immediately resort to violence and just wants everyone to live a peaceful, simple life.
- Nice Guy: Compared to the Grollear brothers and Bunng, Krum is the nicest out of all the goblins. He rarely insults anyone (except for his friends, and even then it's friendly banter) and never intentionally tries to hurt anyone unless they started a conflict first.
- Stepford Smiler: Krum acts like a comic relief character, but deep down he's troubled over the state the world's in, and he just wants everything to be "simple" again, thinking it'll improve everyone's lives.
- Wide-Eyed Idealist: Reconstructed. Krumvell wants the world to change and seriously wishes for life to be simple again. But he comes to realize that as much as he wants that, he knows it'll never happen because there will always be some people in the world who complicate everything because they want to. Nevertheless, Krum still remains optimistic in life in spite of the tragedies that occur in the world.
Layric Town Residents
Mallwyn
Appears in: Help Not Wanted | Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"Was figurin' y'all need someone ta fly ya somewhere!"
A fire dragon who ends up becoming a major ally for the four goblins.
- Ascended Extra: Only appeared as a one-shot character in the original story. He later returns in the sequel, where he becomes something of a noble steed for the goblins and one of their trusted allies.
- Breath Weapon: He has lethal fire breath. And more amusingly, lethal breath in general.
- Disney Death: He's seemingly attacked and killed by an ice dragon at the end of chapter 10 in Frigid Fornication. Chapter 13 reveals he was only wounded, and he comes back and saves the goblins moments before they're killed.
- Fire-Forged Friends: He's initially dismissive of Grovmar and his team, caring only about finishing his job with them as fast as possible. But after he helps cover up a double-murder Grovmar committed, and he saves the four goblins mere seconds from death, he warms up to them and agrees to permanently help them with future contracts.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: He isn't the nicest of dragons, and he doesn't bother acting nice in public just to appease other people. But he's not heartless, and he is capable of befriending others if people can accept his rather repugnant behavior.
- Make It Look Like an Accident: After being insulted one too many times, Mallwyn kills Aestoll by forcing a steer down his throat to make it look like he choked to death on the horns.
- You Need a Breath Mint: Several characters have remarked that his breath is incredibly foul, even for a dragon. Bunng jokingly tells him that his flatulence is more tolerable.
Dorae
Appears in: Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD | Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"I believe that good people do bad things unintentionally. And bad people do good things disingenuously."
An onca chef who works at a tavern in town.
- Brutal Honesty: While she's typical affable about it, Dorae never keeps her personal thoughts or feelings secret from the goblins whenever they're discussing their personal dilemmas.
- Cat Folk: She's an anthropomorphic feline called an onca. Specifically, she resembles a talking ocelot.
- Lipstick Lesbian: She off-handedly mentions that she had sexual relations with a female orc named Sheshka.
- Nice Girl: She's one of the kindest side characters in the Help Not Wanted stories, frequently offering the four goblins advice and cheering them up whenever they're down.
- Supreme Chef: She's a talented cook. The narration usually goes into great detail about the dishes she makes, and everyone who eats her food always raves about how scrumptious it is.
Aestoll
Appears in: Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"You are here to procure my services?"
Another fire dragon doing community service at Sky's Supplies.
- Dropped a Bridge on Him: He's killed very abruptly in-between scenes with absolutely no buildup.
- Jerkass: He's very passive-aggressive and haughty, thinking himself better than many of the other dragons at Sky's Supplies—Mallwyn especially.
- Killed Offscreen: He's killed at some point by Mallwyn while the goblins are away shopping for new weapons.
- Red Shirt: He has less screentime than Thurrgar, appearing only in a single scene before he's killed off.
- Undignified Death: He's a massive, dangerous, majestic fire dragon who's killed after choking on a steer.
Wilma Ikscyll
Appears in: Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"It's a little hard to travel hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles on a weekly basis when you're over fifty."
The owner of Wilma's Barters, a store dealing with selling/trading weapons.
- Outliving One's Offspring: Her daughter is found dead by the end of Frigid Fornication, while Wilma is still alive and well.
- Sheep in Sheep's Clothing: The goblins are initially wary of Wilma, thinking she's no different from Ogrell and is secretly luring them all into a trap. The end of Frigid Fornication confirms she's completely innocent.
- Struggling Single Mother: Downplayed. Wilma has enough money to support herself and her daughter, but because of her age, she typically has to stay in Glordale while her daughter travels around the world trading with others. Given that Chelsey is confirmed dead by the end of Frigid Fornication, it's likely her struggles will get worse until she hires a new employee.
Black Seed Tribe
Chieftain Dozvolok Karinik
Appears in: Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD
"I can't fix what's been broken. Even if it's repaired, the scars will still be there. ...That's how it's always been with us orcs, even long before everything that happened in Kosslivo."
The leader of the Black Seed tribe.
- Ambiguously Gay: It's implied that Karinik is a closeted homosexual, given that he refuses to disclose why his wife left him, he shows no interest in females, and he coldly tells Grovmar that "who he fucks" is none of his business. On top of this, he's visibly aroused in chapter 8 after fighting Ordacoz while naked, and it's strongly hinted that he sodomized his openly-gay son.
- Eye Scream: Chieftain Ordacoz bites Karinik's left eye socket, severely mangling the eyeball.
- Freudian Excuse: Karinik was fed up with orcs killing orcs and needed to show his tribe that he was still strong and brave enough to lead them and unite the Black Seed and Crimson Blade tribes. He ended up (allegedly) raping his own son as a way to convince him to marry Ordacoz's daughter and secure the tribes' peace agreement.
- Might Makes Right: Knowing Chieftain Ordacoz cares primarily about strength, he realizes the only way to get his tribe and the Crimson Blade tribes to be at peace is to physically fight Ordacoz and best him in combat. It works.
- Mundane Solution: After months of conflict and arguing, how does Karinik secure his peace agreement with the Crimson Blade tribe? He fights their chieftain one-on-one to prove who's physically stronger. He wins.
- My God, What Have I Done?: He breaks down sobbing at the end of chapter 8, realizing that he's partially (albeit indirectly) responsible for getting his son and other orcs killed.
- Old Soldier: His age is vague, but he's definitely one of the older orcs in the tribe. He's also a former soldier from Kosslivo who's still a very competent fighter, as demonstrated in chapters 7 and 8.
- Outliving One's Offspring: His son died several days before the events of the story.
- Walking Shirtless Scene: He only wears boots, a loincloth, and a bear pelt on his head. At no point does he put on any kind of shirt.
- Well-Intentioned Extremist: He beat and sodomized Dellarko as a way to force him into marrying Mirnetta, and thereby allowing the Black Seed and Crimson Blade tribes to finally be at peace.
- You Need a Breath Mint: When Krumvell is flattering Karinik, he tells the chieftain that his hot, powerful breath could blow them all away. Karinik gets in the goblin's face, and Krum finds out that Karinik definitely has "strong breath."Chieftain Karinik: "My breath is powerful enough to kill you?"Krumvell: "Well, it's-it's powerful. That's for damn sure."
Dellarko Karinik
Appears in: Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD
Chieftain Karinik's son.
- All Gays are Promiscuous: Apparently, Dellarko had sex with a lot of other homosexuals and wasn't shy bragging about it.
- Asshole Victim: Downplayed. Dellarko wasn't exactly a nice orc. He frequently disobeyed his father, didn't care about anyone but himself, and went as far as challenging his own father to become the new chieftain because he disagreed with how he ran the tribe. While it's a little hard to be upset over his death, given that he came across as being a hot-headed, stubborn Jerkass, he definitely did not deserve to be raped by his own father and forced into an unhappy marriage just to fuel his father's agenda.
- Manly Gay: Dellarko was openly gay. And being an orc, he was also very masculine and shameless about it.
- Plot-Triggering Death: His death is what prompts the four goblins to come to Ghoul Woods and investigate his murder and possible conspiracy with the Black Seed and Crimson Blade tribes.
- Sins of Our Fathers: Dellarko challenged his father to become chieftain and lost. After he lost, Dozvolok sodomized him and forced him to marry Mirnetta once and for all. When Irklorz found out about this, he was so disgusted with what Dozvolok did that he murdered Dellarko as his own way of getting back at the chieftain.
Cornox Vullosh
Appears in: Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD | Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"Nobody in this world is innocent. We all have dirt beneath our fingernails, whether people see it or not."
An orc shaman from the tribe who now resides in Layric Town.
- Character Development: He starts off being a bigoted Jerkass who wants no help from the four goblins. He gradually starts to realize that goblins aren't as bad as he thinks, and that goblins and orcs are both "piles of shit," and therefore shouldn't be judged. Eventually, he softens up and becomes mildly nicer, even going as far as leaving the Black Seed tribe and joining the goblins on their way back to Layric Town so he can live a better, happier life.
- Good Is Not Nice: Vullosh is a very blunt and bitter orc within the tribe and a former murderous soldier, but he's the only one in the tribe who tries to help the goblins with solving Dellarko's (and later Nerrilyl's) murder.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: He's a bitter, racist, introverted orc who is brash to everyone he talks to. But he still tries his best to help out whenever he can and is one of many orcs who left Kosslivo to try and live a happier, less violent life.
- Kung-Fu Wizard: Vullosh's attacks are primarily magic-based, but he's more than capable of engaging in hand-to-hand combat and defending himself using only his fists.
- No Social Skills: Frigid Fornication reveals that Vullosh doesn't know how to speak to customers without censoring himself. It isn't until Dodak tells him to be less condescending that he realizes he needs to filter what he says if he wants to sell magic scrolls to people.
- Noble Bigot: He isn't shy about his prejudice nature against goblins, believing they're all grungy, manipulative, greedy sociopaths. This doesn't stop him from working with Grovmar and his gang to solve Dellarko's murder, and he even ends up befriending them by the end of the story despite maintaining similar beliefs.
- Old Soldier: He's a former soldier from Kosslivo, and he's so old that all of his hair is white. He's also still capable of defending himself, using various magical attacks, and fighting a werebear with his bare fists.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here: In chapter 8, Vullosh leaves the Black Seed tribe permanently after realizing that the orcs in the tribe will always resort to violence and murdering each other no matter the circumstances. The final nail in the coffin was him discovering that Dozvolok (allegedly) raped his own son just to further his own agenda, only to discover (in hindsight) that doing so was pointless.
- Took a Level in Kindness: He's much friendlier around the goblins—Groshlar especially—in Frigid Fornication, and he's become a magic-based salesperson in Layric Town as some kind of way to help people. Nevertheless, he's still a.
- You Need a Breath Mint: In chapter 2, Grovmar and Vullosh get into an argument, which leads to him grabbing the goblin by his neck and bringing him close to his face—and his awful breath.Vullosh: "We have nothing in common, goblin!"Grovmar: "ACK! That-that's not true! We both got bad breath! That's...that's a start, right?"
Lornokvak
Appears in: Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD
"How would you feel if your father arranged a marriage for you?"
A blue-skinned orc who had ties to Dellarko before his death.
- Bestiality Is Depraved: He makes a comment about how he used to "milk horses" when he was younger. Groshlar figures out what the orc is implying and immediately leaves his cabin.
- Dropped a Bridge on Him: He's killed very suddenly in chapter 7. Not a single orc mourns him.
- Forgotten Fallen Friend: Nobody in the tribe seems to remember or care about Lornokvak's death, which starkly contrasts Nerrilyl's death a few chapters prior.
- Manly Gay: He's a very burly orc who's gay and has sex with Groshlar in chapter 3.
- The Scapegoat: Irklorz plants his pair of boots inside his cabin to frame him for Nerrilyl's death in chapter 6. When Bunng and Krumvell confront him about it, Lornokvak immediately shows them his pair of boots to prove his innocence.
- We Hardly Knew Ye: He only has two appearances in the story, neither of which reveal much about his character. Then he's abruptly murdered in chapter 7.
Irklorz
Appears in: Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD
"Most people in this world—they refuse to take off their veils, so they only see what they want to see. And it's our job to lift said veil...make everyone see what kind of people we really are."
A former executioner longing to atone for his sins by helping other orcs in the world.
- Big Bad: He's the main villain in Remixed Phallic Memories in HD. Irklorz orchestrated most of the events within the story, such as murdering Dellarko and Nerrilyl, framing Lornokvak, and nearly causing a war between the Black Seed and Crimson Blade tribes.
- Death by Irony: As a soldier in Kosslivo, he executed civilians by gouging out their eyeballs, telling them that "their sight is worthless." Fittingly, Grovmar kills him by stabbing him in his eyes.
- Eye Scream: Grovmar kills him by stabbing him in both of his eyes.
- Fat Bastard: He's a very plump orc who isn't shy about his overweight exterior. He's also very manipulative and responsible for murdering Dellarko and Nerrilyl, and he nearly gets most of the heroes killed.
- Hypocrite: Irklorz tells Grovmar that he wants to help the orcs in the tribe and that he decided to help people, not hurt them. So he decides to start a war between two orc tribes as a way to cleanse both tribes of their sins, and he never bothers to acknowledge that what he does is just as bad as what the other morally-ambiguous orcs do. He also tells Grovmar that the world is blind and it's his job to "remove everyone's veils," but he's too blinded by his self-righteousness to comprehend that nothing he did helped either tribe in the slightest.
- Insane Troll Logic: Irklorz swore revenge on Dozvolok for sodomizing his own son, so what does Irklorz do? Kill Dozvolok's son, even though he was the victim. It was, in his eyes, the only way to get back at Dozvolok without going after the chieftain himself.
- Manly Gay: Like many other gay orcs, he's incredibly masculine and gruff, and he takes pride in his homosexuality.
- Revenge by Proxy: Irklorz was very close to Dellarko and was deeply upset when he found out that his father may have beaten and raped him. Since Dozvolok's wife left him and he had no other family members, Irklorz killed Dellarko himself as a way of punishing Dozvolok for what he did.
- Walking Shirtless Scene: He only wears a pair of brown shorts throughout the whole story.
- Walking Spoiler: If you've reached this point, you can probably guess that he's the main villain in Remixed Phallic Memories in HD.
- Well-Intentioned Extremist: He murders Dellarko and tries to start a war between the Black Seed and Crimson Blade tribes because he feels like neither tribe is led by a competent chieftain. The only way for either tribe to properly resolve their differences would be if they fought and killed each other, while Irklorz would personally take over and lead the survivors down a more righteous path.Grovmar: "You framed the Crimson Blade tribe! How is starting a war between two tribes a good option?!"Irklorz: "Because some of the world's most beautiful minerals started off as nothing but granite, sand, or even ash. Maybe it takes a few months, or even years, but eventually, we'll walk away with a chunk of quartz, or topaz, or even a sparkling diamond. Surely you must understand."
Nerrilyl
Appears in: Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD
"I can handle making books and letters under crucial time constraints. But you're asking me to examine a piece of handwriting and to try and match it to someone else's when there’s over thirty orcs in this tribe!"
One of the scholars who assists Vullosh in solving Dellarko's murder.
- Asshole Victim: Implied. When Grovmar confronts Irklorz about killing Nerrilyl, he tells him that Nerrilyl might not have been the saint he was and that he might've "had a penchant for little human girls" or "enjoyed sodomizing corpses."
- Slashed Throat: How Irklorz kills him.
- We Hardly Knew Ye: He's introduced and killed in chapter 3 after only having a few lines. All we know about him is that he writes literature for the tribe and that he may have been a pedophile or into necrophilia.
Orkonlli
Appears in: Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD
"C'mon, 'adult.' Discipline me."
One of the adolescent orcs in the tribe.
- Jerkass: He's an annoying, hard-headed orc who refuses to help Grovmar just because he's a goblin.
- Kids Are Cruel: He's only ten years old, and he spends his time teasing Grovmar and refusing to help him with Dellarko's murder simply because Grovmar's a goblin and Orkonlli's taller than him.
Drako Federation
Gilennes Lowcryx
- See the Recurring Characters page.
Angus Lowcryx
- See the Recurring Characters page.
Selmeena's Squadron
In General
- Breath Weapon: Since they're drakos, all of them are capable of breathing fire like regular fire dragons.
- Draconic Humanoid: All of them are drakos, anthropomorphic dragons who walk on two legs and breathe fire.
- Evil All Along: Chapter 11 reveals that all six of them have been kidnapping and murdering innocents and pinning the murders on various scapegoats.
Selmeena Rheeman
Appears in: Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"If you are not capable of killing an innocent man, of abandoning your best friend, of letting your own sibling die to prolong your own life, then you do not deserve to be a hero. Because somewhere down the line, that's what a hero has to do to get what they want."
The leader of a team of drako knights and a high-ranking official within the Serpeguis Drako Federation.
- Big Bad: She's the primary villain of Frigid Fornication, having orchestrated the kidnappings and murders of thousands of individuals—including Chelsey Ikscyll, the young woman Grovmar and his team are looking for.
- Contrasting Sequel Antagonist: Selmeena is everything that Ogrell Syn'Gorrsh isn't. Selmeena is female; Ogrell is male. Selmeena is homosexual; Ogrell is heterosexual. Selmeena has a Freudian Excuse; Ogrell does not. Selmeena wants to be a hero to fulfill her pride and so the world won't see her as a genocidal maniac; Ogrell is a Card-Carrying Villain who became a Serial Killer because he enjoyed it. Selmeena engages in Pragmatic Villainy; Ogrell engages in Stupid Evil. Selmeena is a well-built, clean, well-dressed knight; Ogrell is an obese, smelly, grungy wanderer.
- Even Evil Has Loved Ones: Subverted. Selmeena casually brings up that the worst thing she's ever done in life was let her mate die. While she's talking to Grovmar about this, she isn't the slightest bit upset, and tells Grov that she was indifferent about her death.
- Even Evil Has Standards: Subverted. When Bunng brings up Ogrell's cannibalism, she isn't shocked or morally horrified. She just rolls her eyes in annoyance, stating she doesn't understand the point of cannibalism and, speaking from experience, it's disgusting.
- Faux Affably Evil: She always speaks in a very soft and polite tone. Even after Grovmar and his allies uncover the truth about Selmeena and her schemes, she never raises her voice or changes her demeanor while she's threatening to kill them all.
- Foil: To Grovmar Grollear.
- Grovmar cares deeply about his brother and his friends. Selmeena has no family and felt nothing after finding out that her own country executed her lover.
- Grovmar fights alongside his brother and friends. Selmeena either fights on her own or sends her minions to do the fighting for her.
- Selmeena is very clean and elegant. Grovmar is The Pig-Pen.
- Selmeena rarely talks about her sex life and engages in no sexual activity. Grovmar has sex in every single story and occasionally brags about it.
- Grovmar is very low on the hierarchy ladder. Selmeena is a government official in her home country.
- Selmeena is reptilian. Grovmar is humanoid.
- Grovmar wants to change the world for the better. Selmeena wants to keep the world the way it is and is secretly making it worse.
- Selmeena initially started off committing good deeds, but then resorted to kidnapping and murder. Grovmar started off committing criminal acts, but then resorted to helping people in and around Glordale solving crimes.
- Grovmar is The Fettered. Selmeena is The Unfettered.
- Freudian Excuse: Selmeena wanted to be a hero, but the world around her hated her for being a drako and assuming she'd be a mindless genocidal maniac like the Lowcryx brothers, and her own nation hated her for not participating in said genocide.
- Glory Hound: None of the medallions/rewards she earned were genuine. Many of the criminals, killers, and rapists she apprehended and executed were innocent. All of the massacres these criminals committed were committed by Selmeena and her crew and she fooled the public into believing they did it so she would be branded as a hero for capturing them.
- He Who Fights Monsters: Selmeena's uprising was very similar to Grovmar's, right down to the two of them being prejudiced against even when they tried to do good for others. So instead of helping the world by capturing/killing criminals, she pretended to help the world by killing innocent people, finding a scapegoat, and then capturing/killing said scapegoat so the world will treat her like a hero, even though she's just as vile as the people she's pretending to hunt down.
- It's All About Me: Selmeena is sick and tired of the world being prejudiced against drakos and thinking Serpeguis is filled with nothing but racists, so she went out of her way to show the world that drakos are capable of doing great things. The problem is, Selmeena doesn't care about helping others. She just wants the world to know that she is a good person so that she won't be discriminated against.
- Lack of Empathy: When a distraught Flolik tells her that her whole squad has been murdered, she shrugs and tells her they'll be replaced. Even when Flolik is attacked and later killed by Mallwyn, all Selmeena can do is murmur at how useless she is.
- Lipstick Lesbian: Selmeena mentions to Grovmar that she used to date another female drako.
- Not-So-Well-Intentioned Extremist: Selmeena travels around the world hunting down serial killers, rapists, murderers, etc., and then publicly executes the culprits to gain gratitude from other countries. It's later revealed that many of these killers never existed; Selmeena and her crew kidnapped and murdered dozens of people and then found a scapegoat to foist all the murders on. Selmeena even went as far as allowing rapists attack people just so she could capture them, kill them, and take credit for bagging said rapists.
- The Sociopath: Textbook case. Selmeena is polite and friendly in public, but only so people will be nice to her in return. She assists people whenever she can, but only if she'll be rewarded as a result. She cares about nothing but being a hero in her home country just to satisfy her own ego and pride and to show the rest of the world that not all drakos are bad...even though she's secretly kidnapping and murdering people and fooling the world into thinking random criminals are doing it.
- Walking Spoiler: It's really hard to talk about Selmeena without spoiling almost every plot twist in Frigid Fornication.
- Would Hurt a Child: Her Start of Darkness began when she accidentally killed a child who was mocking her and calling her "wingless." She also off-handedly brings up that she's killed children before.
Fernak
Appears in: Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"We should just kill 'em now and be done with it!"
One of Selmeena's top enforcers.
- Mauve Shirt: He gets the most characterization out of everyone in the team, minus Selmeena herself, and it's revealed that he personally murdered Chelsey. Nevertheless, he's still only a minor side character, and he's killed off quickly in chapter 13 of Frigid Fornication.
- Mook Lieutenant: He's one of Selmeena's more noteworthy minions, but he's still just a regular drako knight who has a name and some personality attached to him.
- Sir Swears-a-Lot: He has a huge potty mouth compared to Selmeena and the rest of her crew.
- Too Dumb to Live: When Fernak corners Krum in the bathroom and assumes he has a knife, he tells him to hand it over. Even though he didn't, the fact that Fernak thought Krum had a hidden weapon and his only response is to make the goblin give it to him is not smart. No surprise he dies seconds later.
- Undignified Death: He's killed by Krumvell, of all the goblins, after Krum shoves his soiled underwear into his mouth, thus causing Fernak to throw up and giving Krum enough time to steal his dirk and stab him to death while he's puking.
- You Need a Breath Mint: Recclix mentions that he's got awful breath, and Krumvell calls him "wiltness" as a joke that his breath can wilt flowers.
Sharlow
Appears in: Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"Think they'll take the deal?"
Another one of Selmeena's knights.
- Failed a Spot Check: If Sharlow had just turned around or looked over his shoulder while opening the window...
- Red Shirt: He only has a few lines between Selmeena in chapter 12 and 13. Then he's killed off with little fanfare.
- Undignified Death: He's killed by Krumvell after he sneaks up on him from behind and repeatedly stabs him in the neck and slashes his throat.
Tulsil
Appears in: Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"I'm sure it's only a minor setback."
One of Selmeena's knights more reasonable knights.
- Eye Scream: Groshlar shoots her in the right eye with a barbed arrow.
- Fingore: Bunng cuts off all four of her fingers on her right hand.
- Off with Her Head!: She's decapitated by Bunng with his falchion.
- Red Shirt: Similar to Sharlow, Tulsil doesn't speak much in her appearances and she's killed off in chapter 13.
Relgal & Volkin
Appears in: Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
Two of Selmeena's knights who typically are seen together.
- Agony of the Feet: Bunng hacks off all the toes on Volkin's right foot.
- Back-to-Back Badasses: Played straight in chapter 12, where they work together to spring a trap on the Grollear brothers so Selmeena can capture them. Subverted in the next chapter, where Relgal fights the Grollear brothers by himself and ends up getting killed by Grovmar, and Volkin dies after his companions are killed and he's cornered by the four goblins.
- Rasputinian Death: Relgal has his tendons cut, is struck in his kneecaps with an axe, has his face and throat slashed with said axe, and is then struck in the scalp. And even then, he's still alive, meaning he either died slowly from his wounds or burned to death after the cabin was set on fire.
- Red Shirt: Like Sharlow and Tulsil above, they only have a couple of lines before they're killed off in chapter 13.
- Slashed Throat: How Groshlar kills Volkin.
Flolik
Appears in: Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"SELM! Th-There's a situation here!"
The ice dragon who acts as the steed for Selmeena's crew.
- Breath Weapon: She has ice breath and is capable of shooting lethal ice-based projectiles from her mouth.
- Killed Offscreen: It's not explicitly shown what happened to her, but Mallwyn killed her while he was fighting her underwater, and it's briefly mentioned that Selmeena sees her corpse sinking to the bottom of the lake.
- Speech Impediment: She constantly stutters and has a habit of repeating words she already said.
- Undying Loyalty: She's very loyal to Selmeena and the Drako Federation and will to anything for them to ensure their success/happiness. It's implied she obeys them out of fear, giving how Selmeena subtly threatens her for failing to kill Mallwyn.
- You Need a Breath Mint: Both Selmeena and Bunng tell Flolik that she has appalling breath.
Other Characters
Thurrgar
Appears in: Help Not Wanted
"Why do you think we slept outside in the garbage? We couldn't afford to rent out any beds!"
The fifth member of the goblins' gang.
- Dropped a Bridge on Him: Played for Laughs. He eats a poisonous mushroom just to prove it's edible. It's not. Cut to Grov, Grosh, Krum, and Bunng standing in front of his makeshift grave.
- Red Shirt: Has no characterization other than being "that fifth goblin character" in the story. He even wears a red shirt.
- Too Dumb to Live: He eats a spotted, odd-looking mushroom after Grosh and Grov tell him it could be poisonous. And it was.
- Undignified Death: He dies after swallowing a mushroom and having an intense and fatal reaction to it. This happens in the first chapter, long before the plot even kicks in.
The Ghoul Hunter
Appears in: Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD
"I AM THE GHOUL HUNTER!"
A wandering forest troll who patrols Ghoul Woods. He exterminates and eats ghouls before they can kill travelers or members of the Black Seed or Crimson Blade tribes.
- Carry a Big Stick: His weapon is a massive wooden club.
- Face of a Thug: He's an ugly twelve-foot-tall troll with a giant club. When the four goblins first spot him, they're immediately on edge and assume he's dangerous. After the Ghoul Hunter explains who he is and what he does, they're much more relaxed around him.
- Nice Guy: While a bit rugged and intimidating, the Ghoul Hunter is actually very affable and loves to help out whenever he can.
- You Need a Breath Mint: The Ghoul Hunter "proves" that he lives up to his title by exhaling in the goblins' faces and making them smell his ghoul breath.Bunng: "Congratulations. You've exposed us to your halitosis."Ghoul Hunter: "It's ghoul breath, not foul breath."Bunng: "Sure as shit don't smell fresh to me..."
Ogrell Syn’Gorrsh
Appears in: Help Not Wanted
"Ogrell loves to eat."
An ogre desperately looking for his daughter, and the goblins' first contractor. He's secretly behind his daughter's disappearance, and pretends to behave affably so he can kidnap, kill, and devour innocent civilians.
- Big Bad: Ogrell is the main villain of the story.
- Creepy Souvenir: He keeps the skull of his dead daughter within his cave as a reminder of why he started killing and eating people.
- Death by Irony: Ogrell was a cannibalistic killer who ate his victims. It's only fitting that he's devoured by two wyverns. The irony did not go unnoticed.Groshlar: "Guess those wyverns ate the fat fuck, huh?"Bunng: "Rather fitting if you ask me."
- Fat Bastard: He's a vile, morbidly obese Smug Snake who takes pleasure in watching his victims suffer as he either starves them to death or forces them to resort to cannibalism to live.
- Gasshole: He isn't shy about passing gas around others. At one point, he farts so loudly that it wakes up the four goblins from their sleep.
- I'm a Humanitarian: His first two victims were his own daughter and wife. After he killed them both, he ate their corpses too.
- Obfuscating Stupidity: Ogrell pretends to be an idiot so no one will realize he's actually a disturbed, sadistic, and calculated serial killer who kidnaps innocents and kills and eats them.
- Our Ogres Are Hungrier: Unlike most ogres in the series (which are usually friendly, albeit gross), Ogrell fits the monstrous stereotype of being a cannibal and Extreme Omnivore.
- Potty Failure: He pees himself while eating dinner with the goblins, and later shits his pants twice so the odor will be strong enough to prevent wyverns from eating him.
- Serial Killer: He's been kidnapping, killing, and eating people for months, possibly years. When Bunng explores Ogrell's cave, he's disturbed to find several bodies—both living and dead—scattered about. Ogrell himself lost track of how many people he's killed.
- Smug Snake: He's overconfident when he shouldn't be, and thinks that none of his prisoners can escape his dungeon even if they tried.
- Third-Person Person: He never says "I" or "me," and constantly refers to himself as just "Ogrell." This is all just an act though to make others think he's dim-witted.
- Villain Ball: After Ogrell gives medicine to Bunng to make him feel better after he gets sick, he intentionally leaves him alone, and doesn't restrain him. Ogrell even tells the goblin that it's impossible to escape, and outright invited him to try just to watch him inevitably fail.
- Villainous Glutton: Not only is he very portly, but he tortures his victims either by forcing them to be cannibals like him, or he cuts off pieces of them and eats them, sometimes even going as far as bragging about it.
- Walking Spoiler: Mentioning anything about his character more than likely reveals his true intentions.
- You Need a Breath Mint: When Ogrell is listing all the reasons why no one has tried to help him find his daughter, Krumvell points out that one reason is because he's got bad breath. Ogrell is not amused by this.
- You No Take Candle: His speech is very broken, and it's evident that Ogrell isn't very skilled in knowing how to talk properly. Again, this is all just an act.
Dodak
Appears in: Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
"Dodak mind small. Dodak like small mind. Small mind simple mind."
An ogre who lives in an isolated area of Tundrica.
- Beware the Nice Ones: Despite being a seemingly friendly ogre, he's more than capable of attacking anyone who insults him or writes him off as being evil when he's not.
- Face of a Thug: Dodak initially comes off as being another murderous cannibalistic ogre who only cares about causing agony. Turns out that he's very friendly deep down, albeit he's not afraid to protect himself or threaten anyone he assumes is hostile.
- Foil: To Ogrell Syn'Gorrsh. Both of them are fat, smelly, cannibalistic ogres, but that's where their similarities end. Dodak isn't very literate and speaks broken English. Ogrell pretends to speak this way for the sake of Obfuscating Stupidity. Dodak only eats the flesh of people who have already died. Ogrell outright kills people and eats their flesh, tortures them by eating their flesh, or tries to turn others into cannibals like him. Dodak is nice, but very naive. Ogrell pretends to be nice, and thinks everyone in the world is secretly heartless when they're not. Most importantly, Dodak survives and wants to spend his life repenting for being complicit with Selmeena's plans, while Ogrell dies horribly and wanted to spend the rest of his life murdering and devouring people.
- Third-Person Person: He always refers to himself by his first name.
- You No Take Candle: Like many ogres, he speaks bad, broken english.
