Krumvell: "We follow the instructions the contractor listed, and nothing will go wrong!"
Groshlar: "You know, Grovmar said those exact words to me four months ago..."
Krumvell: "Do you seriously think the same chain of events is gonna happen twice?"
—Krumvell and Groshlar Grollear, lampshading that they're in a sequel.
Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication
is a Low Fantasy web novel written by Tyk 5919, and the seventh entry in the Legatum series. It's also the third entry in the Help Not Wanted sub-series.
As winter approaches, Grovmar and his crew prepare themselves for the drastic change in weather. After losing much of their money due to a series of unfortunate mishaps, the four goblins all decide to take a high-paying contract to find a woman's missing daughter in an icy country called Tundrica. But as the goblins start investigating the woman's disappearance, it isn't long before they realize they're in way over their heads when they stumble upon a conspiracy involving drakos and dragons.
Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication provides examples of:
- Aesop Amnesia: Subverted. Chapter 2 plays out the exact same way chapter 2 of the original Help Not Wanted played out. The goblins go through a series of shenanigans that result in them putting innocents in peril. But instead of accidentally (or intentionally) killing people and burying their bodies, the goblins strive to save the people they unintentionally harmed by any means necessary. Which leads to them being sent to the dungeon as punishment for their crimes since the people they hurt are alive to report them.
- Being Good Sucks: The Central Theme. Many of the characters—Grovmar especially—have grown frustrated over the fact that they feel like nobody respects them for the good deeds they perform. They only condemn them for their morally-shady deeds.
- Big Bad: Selmeena Rheeman, the leader of the drako knights who's been covertly kidnapping and murdering hundreds of individuals and pinning their deaths on a number of scapegoats to make herself look like a hero.
- Bittersweet Ending: The goblins kill Selmeena and her squadron and successfully dismantle her operation. They save Dodak, Selmeena's scapegoat, Bunng and the other goblins all return home having survived their wounds, and the bond between the four goblins is stronger than ever, with the four of them opting to expand their contracting business with Mallwyn, Dorae, Dodak, and Vullosh. But Chelsey is found dead, the Lowcryx brothers escape unharmed, and it's clear that the Drako Federation will retaliate against the goblins for killing Selmeena and destroying her operation.
- Black-and-Gray Morality: Similarly to the first story, the four protagonists are still the same raunchy, foul-mouthed goblins who have lots of sex and care mostly about making money and self-preservation, and they aren't above covering up a murder here and there. That being said, the villains are a group of high-ranking government officials and knights from a drako-populated country who are going around kidnapping, torturing, and then killing dozens of innocent people before they pin all the deaths on a scapegoat to make themselves look like heroes. And unlike the protagonists, who have only caused chaos for about half a year, the villains have been doing this for decades.
- Breather Episode: Chapter 8 mostly focuses on Krumvell hanging out with Wallace and the goblins exploring Ospollik as they come up with more ideas to sneak around town. Conveniently, this chapter happens right before a slew of Wham Episodes.
- The Bus Came Back:
- This story reintroduces the Lowcryx brothers, both of whom were just one-shot villains from The Green Wanderer.
- Mallwyn, the fire dragon who appeared briefly in the original story, returns as a recurring character and the goblins' ally in their investigation.
- But for Me, It Was Tuesday: When Grovmar angrily confronts Selmeena about Chelsey's death, she tells Grovmar that she genuinely forgot that person's name, and it takes her a moment before she remembers that Fernak was the one who killed her.
- Cerebus Syndrome: Immediately after Grovmar murders Recclix and Yullkol in chapter 9, the comedy diminishes considerably and the story becomes a full-on drama with mystery/suspense elements. Except for a couple jokes here and there, it isn't until chapter 14 (coincidentally after the climax) that the story becomes more humorous again.
- Chekhov's Gun: The bag of sorchino peppers Krumvell bought. He ends up eating them to induce a bowel movement as a ploy to force his drako captors to free him so he can use the bathroom. When that doesn't work, he shits himself, which forces the drakos to free him anyway so he can clean himself.
- Dead All Along: Chelsey was killed weeks before the goblins even left Glordale. Unlike the original story, this is more heartbreaking, since her mother was innocent the entire time and had nothing to do with her daughter's death.
- Freudian Excuse:
- Discussed in chapter 7, where Bunng and Krumvell find out that the Lowcryx brothers are engaging in a genocide against the stilios because they believe they're all spawns of Surlesh the Imposter and must be eliminated. Bunng very snidely tells both of them that they're killing stilios because they want to and hiding behind excuses.
- Selmeena Rheeman, in her youth, was constantly prejudiced against because she's a drako and because her home country is currently committing genocide on another race. Despite spending years trying to help the world, nothing changed. So she started kidnapping and murdering people before pinning their deaths on a scapegoat, which in turn resulted in people praising her as a hero who hunted down criminals across the world.
- Freudian Excuse Is No Excuse: In chapter 12, Selmeena Rheeman fully explains her reasonings for doing what she does, expecting the four goblins to sympathize with her. All four of them waste no time telling her she's full of shit and that nothing justifies all the chaos she's caused.
- Karma Houdini: The Lowcryx brothers return to Serpeguis unscathed, with both of them opting to eventually seek vengeance against the four goblins as they continue their genocide on the stilios.
- Potty Failure:
- Invoked in chapter 13, where Krumvell, after eating peppers that act as laxatives, nastily ruins his britches as a ploy to get his drako captives to free him so he can procure a weapon later on.
- Chapter 14 has Bunng receiving medical aid from a gnoll witch doctor. After being fed what Bunng thought was an emetic, he gets himself ready to throw up. It's later revealed that the witch doctor fed him a liquid laxative, which Bunng does not discover until after he soils his pants.
- Chapter 15 has the four goblins engaging in a fart contest with one another, up until Grovmar farts too hard and realizes he's gotta take a huge shit. His brother and his two friends dare Grov to shit himself since, at this point, he's the only one in the group who hasn't done it. So he does, much to everyone's amusement.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: After Grovmar pressures Recclix into having sex with him, and then later interrogating him despite the fact he didn't have to have sex, Recclix chews out Grovmar by telling him that he's nothing more than a manipulative hypocrite who preys on others just to get what he wants. Grovmar responds by bludgeoning him to death with a hammer.
- Red Herring:
- The story's second act sets up the Lowcryx brothers as being the ones behind Chelsey's kidnapping—along with dozens of others. Chapter 11 reveals that, while they were aware of it and kept records of it, they had nothing to do with it. Selmeena and her squad of drako knights were behind the whole thing.
- In chapter 11, the goblins all come across an ogre when they're investigating a cabin where Chelsey might be. Despite initially appearing hostile and coming off as an Expy of Ogrell Syn'Gorrsh, it turns out that he's innocent and nothing more than Selmeena's scapegoat.
- Refuge in Audacity:
- How does Krumvell free Axel after his leg is trapped underneath a tree? He chews through the flesh, and then the goblins snap the bone off. It works.
- How does Krumvell escape from being tied up and locked in a room? He eats peppers and intentionally shits himself, forcing his drako captors to take him to clean his mess. And then he ends up shoving his soiled underwear into a drako's mouth, causing him to vomit and giving Krum enough time to steal the drako's dirk and stab him to death while he's busy throwing up.
- Sequel Escalation: Unlike Remixed Phallic Memories in HD, Frigid Fornication is the official sequel to the first story. It's twice as long, introduces more side characters, has much more character development, and has a bigger body count. There's even a full-length fight scene between the heroes and the villains during the climax, whereas the first story only consisted of a brief chase sequence.
- Sequel Number Snarl: This is actually the third entry in the Help Not Wanted series, not the second. The second entry is Remixed Phallic Memories in HDnote .
- Shoot the Shaggy Dog: After spending seven chapters looking for Chelsey, the goblins find out that she had been murdered weeks before they even ventured to Tundrica.
- Stress Vomit: After Grovmar impulsively murders Recclix, he starts throwing up in horror over what he's done.
- Toilet Humour:
- See the Potty Failure examples above.
- In chapter 5, after being stuck in the freezing rain, the goblins all try to dry off their clothes inside a cave with a very small makeshift fire. When they start complaining that it's taking too long, Mallwyn turns around and rips a huge fart on all of them to keep them warm and make the fire bigger.
- The final scene of the story is the four goblins participating in a lengthy farting contest, which ends with Grovmar crapping his pants.
- Vile Villain, Saccharine Show: Similar to its predecessor, Frigid Fornication is a mostly lighthearted dramedy. Things start going south once the Lowcryx brothers and Selmeena Rheeman are introduced in chapter 6 and 7, respectively, and turn into an investigative suspense story that ends with various side characters getting killed off.
- Wham Episode: The entire third act of the story is nothing but these.
- Chapter 9. Grovmar finds out a goblin named Recclix was hired to kill Kyssvolen. After interrogating him, Grovmar finds out a drako working for Selmeena hired him. He later murders Recclix and another civilian after Recclix insults him and covers up the murders. Later, Bunng finds out that the drakos have been engaged in a series of massacres that have been going on for decades.
- Chapter 10. Bunng finds out that Kyssvolen was murdered overnight so he would be framed for the murder. After eavesdropping on a conversation, Grovmar and his team find out that Chelsey is being held in a cabin by the lake. Mallwyn drops the goblins off at the cabin, shortly before he's attacked by another dragon and seemingly killed.
- Chapter 11. The goblins find out that Selmeena Rheeman was behind all the kidnappings. They also find out that all the people she kidnapped were murdered so that she and her team would blame the deaths on Dodak, a naive ogre who devoured many of the corpses to sate his hunger. Much to the goblins' distraught, one of the bodies they find is Chelsey's.
- Chapter 12. Selmeena Rheeman and her team storm the cabin, knock out Dodak, and capture the four goblins. Selmeena explains to the four of them her backstory and why she does what she's done. After explaining her plans to the goblins, she gives them an opportunity to work for her for a chance to have their lives spared—an opportunity Grovmar seriously thinks about taking.
- Chapter 13. The goblins turn down Selmeena's deal, so she decides to kill them. However, Krumvell manages to escape and free his friends. The four goblins kill off Selmeena's drakos one-by-one until they attack Selmeena herself. She manages to subdue all the goblins and injures Bunng when she stabs him in the torso. Just before she can kill them all, Mallwyn, who survived the attack, arrives and saves them all in time. The Grollear brothers chase Selmeena down onto a frozen lake, where they succeed in eliminating her and escaping before Bunng perishes.
- Wham Line:
- Parodied in chapter 6. When Gilennes Lowcryx introduces himself, he hypes up his name as a way to instill fear into Bunng and Krumvell that he is not one to be messed with. Bunng's response is very nonchalant.
Gilennes: "I'm Gilennes Lowcryx!"Bunng: (Beat) "Am I supposed to know what that name means?"- Played straight in chapter 11, where the goblins finally find out the truth behind the drako conspiracy.
Grovmar: "Who's telling you to stay? Is it two brothers?"Krumvell: "Is one of 'em an asshole with blue scales and bad breath? Is the other one some suave-talker with red scales?"Dodak: "No. Dodak never met them. It's a nice drako! Very sweet! Name's Selmeena Rheeman! She always brings food for Dodak! Always takes care of Dodak! Always kills people when they be bad!"
