Let's Watch "Let's Play Dead to Rights"

Chapter 13

Lame, perfunctory cutscene, then the level throws you right into sniping, including right off the bat one of those cruel moments where the target moves just as Slowbeef pulls the trigger. “At this point, let’s just drop it and go to our better gun, the dog.” He calls this level’s music the best in the game; I prefer the next level’s, actually. And he calls it the best level in the game: “That’s saying a lot.” Really bizarre bit where Slowbeef puts away his weapons, runs up to an enemy, and then just stands there until he’s kicked. Though he follows it with another glitchy neck snap so we can forget about it.

Apparently some time had gone by since recording the last video, which naturally doesn’t help much with Diabetus’ increasingly shaky grasp on the plot. No time to worry about that now, as Jack finds a voice clearance lock, and somehow decides only one of the guys wearing yellow raincoats will do. Nice upgrade from the weight controlled lock, especially since you’re told what to do beforehand, but it really doesn’t make much sense in-universe. And another helicopter shows up, which is apparently supposed to be really dramatic, except Jack’s shot down two others already. “Looks like I’m gonna have to get this fruit to talk! Get it, Shadow?” Diabetus suggests bringing up a “tossed salad” before doing Sunny Side Up; that would actually be pretty badass. And the guy Jack drags over immediately opens the lock, after which Jack kills him anyway. Motivation: none. And on the way to the actual door, naturally on the complete opposite side, Jack goes down “disarm alley:” "Everyone get as close to him as you can!” And it includes three neck snaps, for the record. And for the final insult, you have to wait for the gate to slowly slide open while more and more guys converge on you. “I’ll have to settle for the riddle with bullets disarm.”

Next area is a narrow staircase on a cliffside over the ocean, with a continuous spawning point at the top meaning you’ll always have enemies on both sides. Again, I’m not complaining as we’re now far enough that the higher difficulty makes sense. “It’s a good thing they installed rails on those stairs.” Hey, Jack’s bullet time dived down them before with no problems. “It’s the air force base nature trail, is what I’m getting at.” “Oh, that’s sweet.” One guy shouts “You ain’t so tough” right before he’s ventilated, and again they spend a bit too long on that irony.

Awkward jab at the lighting scheme that gets corrected later, so I’ll skip it. There’s a handy sniping alcove to take out one guy with a rocket launcher (for example), though he manages to completely miss with two shots so he doesn’t seem like much of a threat. “He just really didn’t like railings, was the problem.” More engine limitation fun as you can also shoot a couple more guys from here, and they won’t react at all. “I didn’t know it was gonna hail today, in my forehead, and come out the other side.” Somehow, Slowbeef brings up the repeated levels. Legit complaint, but what brought it on now? Jack has to take a side path to a shed to unlock a gate he can clearly just climb over, and we get a moment reminiscent of the tutorial where both the on-screen text and Jack himself tell you when it’s done. There’s also a bit of an Obvious Beta moment when you’re given a rocket launcher that just has one rocket, and you don’t need to shoot down the helicopter yet anyway. And then Slowbeef manages to miss an enemy with it. Maybe it’s just something about this area that throws the rockets off. “This is less action movie and more just cavalcade of foolishness.”

Another sniping section, with rather more natural animation when the enemies get shot, so I don’t know what the problem was before. Just to be extra badass, Slowbeef shoots a canister next to one guy after zooming out enough so we can see it kill him. A Shadow kill is accompanied by a gunshot: “I think Shadow cast Meteo there.” Another Obvious Beta moment where a piece of armor is stuck on top of a crate, requiring you to be in an extremely precise place to pick it up. And it even rotates just to mock your efforts. “It’s like the shopping network.” And yet there’s no cigarette joke to follow from that. “Look, seagull!” Not sure what that was about.

Jack goes under a shed where he needs an elevator key to go up into it. And another cutscene of the helicopter arriving for the umpteenth time, with another rocket launcher that only has one rocket. Seriously, what the hell happened there? Slowbeef points out again how much more climactic it would have been to just have one helicopter show up periodically to make your life hell before getting away, so finally taking it down would actually add to the climactic feel. But we do still get a funny bit of a bunch of guys dropping down right on Jack’s head. “Well, the first few didn’t work, let’s drop a few more.”

Jack gets back indoors again, and we see The One Two Crunch, the final disarm. It’s pretty much a Stone Cold Stunner. “That’s called I hate your face.” Slowbeef points out this section’s length as the level’s one flaw, and you just have to look at how this is the LP’s single longest video to see he’s right. And the irritation starts right away, as you have to check a locked door before more enemies come in with the card. At this point, the writer ran out of lock ideas so it just resorts to Metal Gear style levels of cards. After hearing there’s three levels, “What is with this game teasing you about getting to level four?” Bit of a reach there. Is the thing. Slowbeef makes a failed attempt to shoot a rocket during a bullet time dive; no idea what went wrong as it is possible.

Diabetus wants to see Sunny Side Up with a rocket launcher. I like the way you think, and I want to buy your pamphlet. Bit of a glitchy enemy who keeps trying to shoot you through the wall, so we get another window kill. “How many fucking bullets to the chest can you take?” Turns out it’s a dead end with the level 2 card: “So now you get to backtrack and go where you just were. I love this game!” Slowbeef again empties a weapon so he can pick up another one, and they seem to forget that they already made a joke about that. “This is why you spend hundreds of dollars on condiments every year. And guns.” “You think Jack ever goes to the vet and sees if he can give Shadow rabies? Just to make him a better weapon?” Slowbeef points out the “gooniness” of this whole level, since Jack’s going through all this for a woman who betrayed him and might still kill him. That’s exactly what was going through my mind this whole level.

An enemy manages to miss Jack with a shotgun at point-blank range while he’s aiming at a canister. Still not too impressed with the AI. With more dull shootouts going on, Slowbeef makes one more heroic attempt to sum up this wacky story. And meanwhile there’s some great screwups trying to throw a canister, thanks to the weird contours along the walls. “Did you purposely do bad at this section just so you could do this talk?” Slowbeef says he’s actually not very good at the game, though he’s better than me as we’ll see next time.

The next room starts with a glitchy bullet time dive where Jack faces sideways. That’s one way to get in an Offhand Backhand. “Even he’s a little bored with this.” And then another when Jack kills a human shield by shooting behind his head. Hilarious cutscene giving an inside look at the life of a Mook which introduces the next item: a fuse for the elevator! So yes, they’re now just recycling their previous Fetch Quests. Slowbeef lets us know that this part of the video was a long time coming, since he was low on health with a ton of enemies between him and the next health pack. “I’m tired of these fetch quests!” “He tries to get a Sharpie and put a 3 on the level 2 card.”

Slowbeef picks up with more plot explanation, including the one real moral that can be derived from the game: never trust strippers. I already knew that, but hey. There’s a couple really sweet bank shot canister kills here; kudos, Slowbeef. This gets the elevator fuse, which of course means more enemies charge in. “It’s like they ran out of minigames, so they’re just like, load it up. Throw guys at him, who cares. They didn’t play this far.” They bring up an old game called ‘’Excite Bike’’, which I’ve never heard of and am probably not spelling correctly, but the point is the game is now reminding Slowbeef of the custom levels you could make with it. In explaining the plot, he’s now reached “the cult of longshoremen, led by their leader.” Uh yeah, you’d think. Diabetus wonders who’ll take Exner’s place: “Well, obviously Jack’s gonna run for mayor, is where the story’s going.” Great sketch comes out of that, especially because for once they know when to stop.

Jack finally makes it back outside on the roof, where all his weapons inexplicably disappear. And the helicopter’s there too. “I wonder who was flying it? That is never answered, by the way.” Eh, I don’t have a problem with that; the last thing this game needed was more villains. Jack peeks in on Hildy giving Fahook the files, and then he goes through a whole routine of trying to pay her with gold when he was clearly just going to kill her anyway. The deed is carried out by Pinnacle, and given the full What Do You Mean, It's Not Awesome? treatment with freeze-frames and picture scratches all over the place. No, not the traitorous bitch who just threatened to kill our hero! Oh, and they try to make Pinnacle even nastier by his telling Fahook to tie Hildy to Exner’s murder. It doesn’t quite work because, you know, Hildy actually did murder Exner. I’m starting to suspect this writer had short term memory issues. Jack pulls him out the window, and we get this curious line: “Okay, Slate. I was hoping you wouldn’t be this big a thorn in my side, but apparently you are. One I should clip off and burn.” Metaphorgotten, anyone?

“Everyone forgets to mention this, but Mayor Pinnacle is a shaved bear in a pinstripe suit.” So Pinnacle is basically an Expy for Kingpin, as Diabetus points out, and his big move is to lift Jack in a one-handed chokehold full of dramatic camera angles. And the dialog weirdness continues with “You ain’t got (BLEEP) the stuff, do you?” “Listen, they bleeped out nothing! It was a normal sentence! They just threw in a bleep to make it profane!” You can actually hear Diabetus trying to catch his breath from laughing so hard. Besides the chokehold, Pinnacle’s main gimmick is he can’t be hurt by normal attacks; you need to wait until he does a four punch combo that tires him out, then grab him in a chokehold of your own. “See, he’s a cigar smoker.” “Dead To Rights, an afterschool special.” Diabetus brings up a similarly ridiculous boss from ‘’Metal Gear 2’’, but I haven’t played it so I don’t’ know what he’s talking about. “But he keeps smoking the cigar.” “I know! It’s like, take it out of your fucking mouth!” One guy in the thread claimed to have beaten this fight conventionally, which I call bullshit on. After the latest four punch winded combo, “You’d think Pinnacle would stop doing that, too. He doesn’t catch on.” “I’m sorry, I’m still kind of overwhelmed at how ridiculous this is.” We all are, Diabetus. And you haven’t seen anything yet; we’ve almost reached the LP’s true Crowning Moment Of Funny. And to top everything off, once you beat Pinnacle, Jack snaps his neck with the sound out of sync. So you want to end your boss fight that way, huh? All right, up yours. We’re out of here.

In Fahook’s office, Jack finds some explosives just lying around. Oh, just go with it at this point. He sounds very happy about it, too, seemingly forgetting all about Hildy. Yeah, I know I was just complaining about him trying to save her, but character consistency is nice too. And finally we get the bullet time dive rocket attack, down a staircase for good measure. “I HATE that security leader!” Now Jack’s in an airplane hanger with a bunch of huge stacks of gold in completely random spots, and has to plant the bombs in certain locations with the usual green “use” box on them, all while being shot at, of course. Another neat and fun little room, all in all. Though oddly enough, one of the bombs goes on a forklift. I guess they really can do anything. “I don’t know why Pinnacle needs security, he’s a goddamn monster on his own. Jesus. You’re fucking John Woo-ing a heavyweight boxer!”

After all the bombs are set, we get another boss fight with Bambi and Thumper, introduced in what should be a pretty cool cutscene but is wrecked by Jack’s priceless smug expression and little “heh.” What the hell were they thinking with that one? You have 90 seconds to kill both of them, and we see that the barrels in this room have physics too. This game was really ahead of its time. Jack’s oddly limited in his quips too, spouting out the same one twice. For some reason killing them unlocks the door, and Slowbeef did it so well he actually screws around a bit to show off how much time he has left. Maybe that smugness is fitting after all.

And now, the cutscene that may well be the entire reason this game was made. Jack whacks an enemy and takes his motorcycle, riding it Out of the Inferno as the building explodes. He then heads after the plane as three guys shoot at him from the open cargo hold while it takes off from a cliff, and another motorcycle appears behind him. Jack’s response: spin around to shoot the other motorcycle, then use the explosion to propel himself forward into the cargo hold right as it starts closing, shooting the three guys there on the way in. To once again borrow Shadow Warden’s great terminology, Jack Slate’s Crowning Moment Of Awesome: fucking assigned. And what better way to follow it up than his Crowning Moment Of Funny in the next video?

edited 26th Jul '10 9:42:00 AM by Eegah

JACK'S WORLD HEEE'S THE MAAAN, JACK'S WORLD HEEE'S THE MAAAN!

Okay! Okay! I won't beat that joke anymore! It's just too easy! Anyone is free to do the entire song if they want.

NEXT TIME: The strings keeping reality from madness are finally cut, as Jack Slate finally dives into insanity to deliver his pure, unrefined wrath. Also, Fahook finally does what he never had the time to do: get hammered.

edited 26th Jul '10 4:20:04 PM by Emperordaein

Chapter 14

So here we go, the level that is easily the LP’s high point. Diabetus starts out still reeling from the badassery of Jack getting onto the plane; “What’s even more amazing is the amount of gunfire we’re going to be seeing on this fucking airplane.” Slowbeef announces that the level is an Obvious Beta with four major signs to watch out for. He says three, but you’ll see what I mean. “Is this gonna be like a Where’s Waldo of Dead to Rights?” Slowbeef does another reminder of what Jack’s doing here; “If I did what Jack just did, I would forget all about my mission. I would be like fucking A.”

After going up a level, Slowbeef points out how huge the plane is, and in fact judging from what we saw on the outside it was apparently built by the Time Lords. He wall modes to demonstrate a ton of guys in both directions, but doesn’t use it to shoot them for some reason. Instead he just demonstrates that Jack automatically shoots the guy who serves no apparent purpose except to be a shield in this section. And Jack still comments on locked doors out loud: “We heard that!” After a pause to admire the scimitars on the wall which are unfortunately purely decorative, Jack takes on “the one armed bathroom attendant.” “That’s better than anything I’ve done in the bathroom.” Okay, moving on. Super close bullet time dive: “It’s like you’re giving the guys a bullet time hug.” And then while taking out the last couple guys, Jack can’t shoot through a plant. “The evil person who designed this is a genius. It’s a specifically anti-Jack Slate aircraft.”

The first class cabin is another place where a human shield would come in handy, so of course Jack automatically kills them again. “If you’ve ever been on airplane seats, they’re all reinforced with Kevlar and steel.” Slowbeef mentions that you don’t have Shadow in this level, another odd random nod to realism. “I think the thing is you have to check pets with the luggage, is the idea.” Slowbeef’s Verbal Tics are getting out of control. Fridge Logic on why the plane has so many locked doors. “I’ve never been on one of these luxury planes.”

Slowbeef seems to be putting in another cigarette as Jack heads for the next level, but no lighter sounds this time. Right away we meet another of those weird enemies that take no notice of gunfire around them. “I never tried using the legendary cold shoulder against Jack Slate.” Another bathroom, this one with a fancy tub in it. And a Jacuzzi in the next room. “I’m not an aeronautics expert here, but…how does this work? What happens when it has to bank?” Diabetus brings up the Pinnacle fight to put things in perspective. Yeah, that’s not going to work for too much longer.

Jack enters the observation deck, where he abruptly decides shooting isn’t a good idea so you temporarily lose your weapons. Inside are three women who appear to have been kidnapped, until they attack you. And here comes the sound of that Brick Joke returning to Earth, as they’re all simply named “target.” This would be the first of those Obvious Beta signs, by the way. And just for extra hilarity, the fight starts with one of the women kneeing Jack in the balls and then throwing him. Diabetus is thrown for such a loop that it’s only after the fight is over that he’s able to ask “Why did that just happen?”

Back downstairs…well, Slowbeef very nicely sums up the insanity we’re witnessing: “That’s Fahook, and he’s got his shirt off, and his running animation is terrible, and beating up those women triggers him! I don’t know why.” To expound on that animation, it’s not too bad when we see Fahook from the rear as he’s simply bent over, but when seen from the side one leg is frozen in a bent position while the other keeps abruptly jutting out behind him. There’s sign number two. Diabetus adds a despairing “What’s happening?” but first Fahook shoots the plane’s pilot and Jack comments “I knew he was crazy, but I didn’t think he was nuts.” Slowbeef: “You just stole a line from Short Round! Who does that?” More laughing at the animation, then Slowbeef notes that he forgot it among the Obvious Beta signs so there’s still two more “things of craziness” to go. This is really my favorite kind of Let’s Playing right here, with both guys clearly having a blast watching the game unfold. They’re both laughing pretty much constantly by now, and it’s truly infectious, like you’re right in the room watching someone play. Though in fairness I should also note that I really like the effect of the plane yawing after the pilot is shot, even if it doesn’t do anything to the actual gameplay.

Boss time, with more stacks of gold as cover plus other random crates. At this point, Fahook will randomly throw out a spread of machine gun fire that will hardly ever touch you, yet he’s also invincible during it. Screw you, Namco. And as Slowbeef puts it, he has an amazing defense for being bare-chested. “Well, look at those pecs.” Slowbeef then tosses out a line about Arabs being naturally bulletproof. Yeesh, I think he regretted that the second it was out of his mouth. They wonder what’s in the crates for a bit, before “this is the pimpest airplane I have ever fucking seen.” Their audio weirdly cuts out while Slowbeef explains the invincibility thing; was it really that important to hear Fahook’s “yes”? Diabetus starts to wonder just how high up the plane was, but then it’s time for stage two of the fight.

The fight moves to a new location which is exactly the same except for the open cargo hatch. And Fahook now has a “magic potion” that restores his health. It’s probably meant to be booze, but that’s what Jack calls it, and hey, if it quacks like a duck. It also lets him breathe fire. They really didn’t care at all by this point, did they? “Is the final boss of this plane just a shark that leaps at the airplane?” Slowbeef calls our attention to how we’re only at the video’s halfway point, indicating how much more insanity is left. They debate if this is more ridiculous than Pinnacle; Slowbeef says no just for the That One Boss factor. Fahook will periodically drink from his bottle to refill his health, and you have to shoot it out of his hand, and right there is the part of the game I could never get past. My poor arthritic fingers just couldn’t zero in on the bottle fast enough, so what little is left of the LP was new to me my first time watching it. This means I never got to hear Fahook say things like “You wuss!” and “Like a girl!” as he does every time you shoot the bottle. Once he’s out of bottles he goes back to the gun, ironically meaning he’s harder due to the fire being easier to dodge. When he’s down to zero health, “Please explain to me if you can what is going on here.” Fahook is in “drunk stasis” as Diabetus aptly calls it, standing in front of the hatch perfectly still as he sways around. You’re clearly supposed to do something special to finish him off, but whatever it is may have never been programmed in our third Obvious Beta sign. Luckily, shooting works just as well.

Jack goes into the cockpit, and the no talking during cutscenes rule is broken again when Diabetus can’t suppress a giggle as Jack asks the horrendously bloody man if he can land the plane. Though it does turn out the answer is yes, if Jack can flip two switches to turn the autopilot on. And if he isn’t a big inflatable guy, I will be very disappointed. And then time for Obvious Beta sign number four: Jack gets stuck on the door running out of the cockpit, which happens about half the time according to Slowbeef. “I could watch this for hours!” “I can accept the girls named Target and Fahook’s random I’m not gonna move now thing, but come on!” And he lets us see Jack die just because it’s the same cheap piece of animation as when the bombs blow up.

This seems to be a pretty unforgiving section, as you’re given no clue where to go and the time limit isn’t nearly enough to search the whole plane. Hello, beginner’s trap. Next to the switches are bombs, the first of which randomly lights up, though this goes unnoticed. “Not only is this plane going to crash, but there are two bombs on board, which means this thing was going to explode three fucking times over! How awesome is this game?” And somehow disarming the bomb gets the plane higher to give you more time. “What?” “I don’t know. Here’s the thing: you want to classify Dead to Rights as one of those games that tries to do everything and doesn’t really succeed, but I think a more accurate description is Dead to Rights is doing everything humanly possible to be awesome and is just not sure how to do it.” Oh, like the last few seasons of 24. Boom!

Jack makes another quip upon finding a bomb on the other switch, and Slowbeef loses it again. “He’s making these jokes to himself!" And here is the one really tricky bomb in the game, as it randomly goes black except for the ball and you don’t have enough time to stop and wait whenever it happens. “That’s somewhat clever I guess, even if it makes no sense.” You just heard Diabetus’ heart growing three sizes. Upon disarming it, the pilot prepares to land and Jack calls Kip Waterman, who is now officially the only reporter in Grant City.

The cutscene of the plane crash landing is pretty cool, and actually makes appropriate use of those techniques that came off as needlessly showy during Hildy’s death. Kip gets Jack away in his van, and somehow Shadow is there despite Jack not telling Kip anything about picking him up. He hands over the files, and tells Kip to also report that he died in the crash, now that that pardon isn’t coming. That’s the way to Jack Bauer it. Then Jack asks to be dropped off at a certain hotel, where he telepathically knows is where he’ll find Hennessey. “Something about the way Fahook was running, that clued him in.” Slowbeef reminds us one more time of the level’s four mistakes. “Game of the year!”

Are you ready for the thrilling conclusion? Well, it doesn’t matter, because it’s coming next. Bitch.

edited 29th Jul '10 8:23:47 AM by Eegah

NEXT TIME: The bodies have been strewn everywhere. The blood has been spilt. And now, Jack Slate marches to his final battle, facing THE DEMON CHEIF FROM HELL!

edited 29th Jul '10 2:08:37 PM by Emperordaein

Chapter 15

Jack enters the hotel lamenting that so many people are dead except “the one man who really deserved to die.” Um, those other guys you killed weren’t exactly innocent, you know. The writer desperately tries to emulate Max Payne with a strained “darkest before the dawn” metaphor, but it’s no “Colder than a walk-in fridge, cold as a gun.” This level features an overwhelming number of enemies right off the bat, so much that Slowbeef left in a clip of him getting killed in a few seconds just to make a point.

There’s also one more helicopter to get past, which smashes the window above the lobby to drop more enemies in. “Nothing in this game’s gonna surprise me anymore.” Amazingly, Jack now has a different line suggesting he pick up a rocket launcher, which of course is conveniently lying in the fountain. A little odd, but we’re almost done so moving on. There’s also another enemy with a launcher, and apparently killing the helicopter is hard enough that Slowbeef describes a time-consuming but easier method he came up with…before going back to the rockets. That’s a man who suffers for his art. The helicopter also has heavier defense than the previous ones, just to screw with you some more. The game also glitches out and screws Slowbeef out of one hit, though he doesn’t mention this as a recurring problem like the last level had. I guess he just got unlucky this time. “But otherwise, fun game.” “All right, this level is not fun. There’s no way around it.” I’m actually very, very glad I never saw this one myself.

Soon enough the game even has a frame rate drop thanks to there being no upper limit on the enemies that can spawn. Great design, Namco. And in one more middle finger to the player, the rocket launchers don’t respawn and you’re given exactly enough to kill the helicopter, so that one that didn’t register forces Slowbeef to turn to the far less damaging other weapons. “We are going to throw the dog at the helicopter!” Slowbeef again got in trouble on the boards for saying “sniper’s rifle,” which is really just anal if you ask me. Finally the helicopter is killed, and somehow moves sideways after falling through the roof to crash on a balcony. “Okay, four star hotel now.”

Hennessey comes out and does the requisite gloating about how he now has the city and the gold all to himself, but then Jack gets coy about what he did with the files…until the news comes on. Hennessey has a bit of a Villainous Breakdown, repeating “What did you do?” But enough of that, as now we’re fighting him and his electric riot shield, which naturally doesn’t react too well to the fountain in the middle of the room. And naturally the game doesn’t trust you to figure that out on your own so Jack clues us in. It’s also the only way he can be hurt, meaning the weapons around the room are completely pointless, just like the armor in the Longshoreman X fight. Those were the days, huh? “Hennessey doesn’t learn, does he?” “This is completely crazy, basically. There is no point to this.” Slowbeef is nice enough to give us a couple bullet time dodges: “I can see your directorial qualities coming out.”

After the shield breaks Hennessey runs away “like a little bitch,” so surprise surprise, the game isn’t quite over. Once again, all Jack’s weapons are gone for no reason, so there’s one more melee segment…against fully armored GAC squad men. Who also have no weapons. “At this point they’re like, you know what, Jack Slate really can just do anything.” And at the end of the area you’re given armor and a gun, only to lose them as soon as you step through the door. How many designers did this game have again?

The final battle is in the hotel boiler room, where Hennessey lights his hands on fire. No explanation, he can just do that. It’s official, the man is a supervillain. We’ll be seeing him mentioned in the same breath as Snowflame. He’s faster than any previous enemies, and you also have to deal with random explosions from beneath the grate you’re standing on. And by the way, there’s no indication that this is unusual in any way, so it’s apparently just how the boiler room works. Slowbeef again suffers for his art, forgoing safe areas at the sides of the room just to make the fight look better. It took him three days to get this video too, so don’t anyone say this kind of thing is easy. “Are we still in the hotel?” “Yes. This is the hotel…fire pit? This is where they barbeque pigs for the guests.”

With half his health gone, Hennessey opens the furnace. No reason, except maybe to appeal to Sweeny Todd fans. Being thrown in does surprisingly little damage, but at least that applies to Jack and Hennessey equally so the game isn’t cheating on that. The real cheat comes with the epic Camera Screw, with the camera constantly shaking and being obscured by smoke. “It’s actually in parts hard to fucking see what you’re doing.” Yes, that would be the point, I imagine. Diabetus nicely nails the real problem: the designers just couldn’t think of a way to top the insanity of the Pinnacle and Fahook fights so they just threw a few desperate ideas together. “So the final boss fight, we’ve got it taking place in a hotel. A hotel? No, that’s not good enough.” “A hotel that’s also the gateway to Hades! It’s fucking Stargate down here.” And once you take out Hennessey, there’s one last beginner’s trap, as after a glitchy soundless cutscene of him walking towards you, you actually have to punch him one last time or you’ll die. I imagine many, many thrown controllers from the poor saps who actually did make it this far.

Jack gives an epic Sequel Hook in his closing narration, the music pounding as he talks about leaving the city and “Jack Slate is about as far from dead as you can imagine.” One more Crowning Moment Of Funny as Slowbeef chimes in: “That said, they never made a sequel.” Diabetus wonders if Shadow is Jack’s “familiar;” I think he meant daemon. During the credits, Jack sends Preacher what is apparently the evidence that will clear him, after the game completely forgot about him for twelve chapters. Also, a gold bar and a file: “I have no idea how either of those help you get out of prison.” Slowbeef brings up his All There in the Manual backstory, which is being falsely accused of selling drugs out of his church. Honestly, how hard would that have been to include in the game?

Then it seems they really wanted to get arty on the way out, as we get an audio montage of all the times someone tells Jack they’ll see him in hell. The last is a new line from Fahook: “I can’t believe you beat me, Jack Slate. Here are your cigarettes. See you in hell.” So Yeah. Diabetus is understandably at a bit of a loss. “Is Jack haunted by the souls that he’s wronged, like Ebeneezer Scrooge?” The credits are now over, but we still have five minutes of the guys talking over the menu screen. This LP is the gift that keeps on giving! Apparently the game was remade on the PS 3 and 360, which Slowbeef suspects is so they can try to salvage it so a real sequel is possible. Yeah, that worked out really well. He heads into the options and finds that you can turn the blood off. “Are they joking?” I’m just as confused as when that option turns up in Resident Evil games. More of Slowbeef insisting he likes the game, even if the last level sucks. And Diabetus calls it “anti-climatic;” is he talking about the weather? There’s one more explanation of the very tenuous ways the opening cutscene connects to the rest of the game; god, just let it go!

“The only people alive are Jack Slate, Shadow, and Kip Waterman.” And Preacher, who you just saw. “There were only three women in Grant City. Well, six if you count the Target family.” Slowbeef wonders if all three hotels in the game were the same place. Diabetus puts him down quite nicely: “So Grant City only has one hotel, that changes completely every time you come in?” Burn. More discussion of the nonsense of the last level’s setup, but with a bit of a twist: it’s actually Diabetus making half-hearted defenses of the leaps of logic, now that he’s seen the whole game and feels comfortable making those statements. “The helicopter guy’s their designated driver.” Slowbeef refuses to do the prequel next, citing the cutscenes already being on Youtube. Missed Moment of Awesome for sure, given how much worse and more insane that game supposedly is. Diabetus challenges people to talk like Jack Slate for a day, “and the reward is you get to kill everyone you know.” Slowbeef promises not to ban anyone from SA if they take him up on it. I wonder if that resulted in anything. One last Spoof Aesop, and we’re out. Dead To Rights.

I pretty much agree with Slowbeef: the game is completely nuts, and often pretty boring to watch unless it’s with two hilarious commentators, but it actually is kind of fun. Though given that Max Payne gives you pretty much the same experience, there’s no real reason to seek it out. It’s been a blast, thanks to anyone who’s read this far.

And that's a wrap! Congratulations for making the best of my idea! I approve of this LP!

And one last thing, I actually have appropriate music to play over each of the last three boss fights:

Fahook Henessey: Stage 1 Henessey: Stage 2

I'm reading this Live Blogination (LW? LWLP?) while rewatching their Dead to Rights LP. Fun stuff, good read!

He completely gets the drop on Jack, but after a complete non-answer on what happened to Hildy, Jack goads him into a fistfight by mocking his never-before-mentioned boxing career that ended when he was caught cheating

Actually, it's mentioned by Kip Waterman in the scene where Jack's supposed to be executed. And I think Hilde mentions it after Longshoreman X? Still somewhat of a throwaway.