Things I've Learned From Comics

If you get powers, your cup size will increase by two and any and all fabrics and some clothes that aren't will bend around and under the breasts.

You will be cloned. There's no avoiding it.

Your clone will be evil. There's no getting around that either.

Hmm, not as sure about that one. I mean Bizarro is Obliviously Evil. In terms of Spider-Man's clones, Ben Reilly was good and while Kaine started off evilish (well, an insane(r) '90s Anti-Hero), he's a good guy now. I believe Magneto had a clone who was a good guy.

I'd say that whether good or bad, Clone Degeneration is unavoidable, unless its an Opposite-Sex Clone.

edited 27th Nov '12 7:11:16 PM by Jordan

At least one clone will be evil. There's no getting around that.

True.

If a robot does not become a superhero, it will be evil.

The laws of robotics don't count for shit.

As a supercomputer gets more paneltime, the chances of it making a Face–Heel Turn approach one.

Lovecraft was both right and wrong. Cthulhu exists, but you can totally punch him out.

All religions are true, even the ones that are contradictory.

Walter the Wobot.

All androids and robots have Pinocchio Syndrome. There's never an android or robot who's just happy the way they are.

The Canadian government is the manifestation of all that is evil on this earth.

Nah, they're just racing to keep up with the American government, which sways between "Corrupt but legitimate authority" to "gentlemen, how shall we murder our country today?"

Walter the Wobot. Transformers.

edited 6th Jan '13 4:16:48 AM by VampireBuddha

Robot Archie. Skeets. Most evil Robots.

I guess I misphrased it: The ones who suffer from Pinocchio syndrome seem to WHINE about their lack of humanity.

If you ever find yourself with a new costume and new set of powers, don't panic! A million anal-retentive fanboys will cry "It is ruined forever! It is! It is!" and "I do believe in stagnation! I do! I do!" until you're magically restored to your fabulous 60's roots.

edited 6th Jan '13 8:49:06 PM by RedM

Don't worry about any silly little inconveniences such as death! Give or take a few years, you'll be up and flying again in relatively no time!

Time is actually a lot slower then we think it to be; events that should only take a day or so, really take at least 6 months.

If you're living in the 90's, then there's no need to worry about brutally murdering anybody, or acting like a dick; most won't call you out on it, and in fact, being a more 'classic' hero will be seen as 'weak' or 'old-fashioned.' Heck, if you're lucky, you might even still be around today, though you might not be able to get away with quite as much as you were once able to.

You think that gigantic energy being with omnipotent powers is the most powerful opponent you and the rest of the Earth will ever face ? Wait a few years, and something stronger will show up. And a few years later, something else even stronger will appear. And some time later... Well, you get the idea.

If your body or face seems weird, distorted, or you've lost your feet entirely, don't worry! Give it a few months and you'll look MUCH better. Or worse.

Every hero becomes a villain eventually. It's only a matter of time.

You can speak entire paragraphs in what is supposed to be a literal second! Time will just wait for you to finish what you have to say, those missiles don't have anything better to do!

Any self-initiated heroism is evil and punishable by having the closest heroes in range hammer down how nobody should lift a finger without their explicit approval.

Civil authorities, oversight, and the democratic process in general are ineffectual or outright evil and must be ignored or dismantled at every opportunity. Heroes are inherently above the law, while anyone else engaged in the same activities is automatically evil.

Heroes are either born or anointed by another hero or just pure luck coupled with survivor guilt. Acquiring powers voluntarily is for villains only, unless it's WWII and there's only one vial of super serum.

Shooting mass murderers fresh from a killing spree makes you just as bad as them. However, torture, intimidation, child endangerment and militarization, privacy violations and crime-scene contamination, and illegal international interventions, are all marks of true morality.

The Indiana Manifesto, everybody!

On the flip side, if you're a completely deranged mercenary, or a genocidal space bounty hunter, or somebody's ex-girlfriend, you can kill random people for fun, and so long as you quip outdated pop-culture references about it, all you'll get is a verbal slap on the wrist and even an invitation to a premier superhero team.

On an unrelated note, the greatest superpower of all is talking to squirrels.

Here are some important lessons I learned:

• Don't Get too invested in life, chances are it's going to be rebooted to something different.
• Wearing glasses will make you a completely different person.
• If given the opportunity to kill the homicidal maniac who refuse to change and will gladly kill more people, JUST FUCKING KILL HIM! Also . . .
• If said maniac tries to pull that If You Kill Him, You Will Be Just Like Him! card on you, its bullshit. Killing him is best for the world. There's no hope redeeming him. Not killing him due to your moral principle is fucking selfish and will cause more harm in the future. If being a hero means letting psychopaths run around, it is just not for me. No one monitors a hall like you, Batman.
• Earth is a hot spot for alien invasions.
• New York City is a magnet for super human battles
• Radiation WILL give you powers. No exception.
• There is an 80% chance that a mentally ill person is a super villain.
• There is an 80% chance that somebody with "Doctor" in the name is a super villain.
• Being a Mutant is the worse thing to ever happen to you. Screw the idea of having awesome powers and all the "Mutant Pride" bs, for the rest of your life you have to deal with so much bullshit from openly racist anti Mutant to giant robots. And if you are an X-Men well fuck you, you are going to deal with daily attacks, constant in fighting in team, alien empires, demons, mad scientist, the evil of Egypt and the Juggernaut Bitch.
• If you are a very popular hero or villain, death means nothing.
• To be consider a serious super hero team, you must have 4 to 7 founding members on the team.
• Don't question how the conqueror from the future is able interact with the past without completely changing the future.

I think the third and fourth points are things you learn despite writer intention, rather than because of it, or as an implied consequence. Anyway:

Punching people through walls or throwing oddly shaped and sometimes explosive blades at them is a totally safe manner of fighting. Concussions, lacerations, and internal ruptures, are never life-threatening. Shrapnel and collateral damage never hurt innocents unintentionally... unless it's a movie universe.

Courts barely managing token sentences based on insanity pleas has nothing to do with anonymous vigilantes contaminating evidence whenever they smash into a crime scene.

Sentient robots, supernatural beings, and non-humanoid aliens, can be massacred freely with no consequence or moral condemnation, even if they're basically slave soldiers for the actual evil overlord... who will of course be spared any lasting punishment, unless the resident anti-hero is decent enough to do the dirty work.

Scientific progress is evil unless it's only limited to providing heroes with cool gadgets. Any revolutionary technology with potential civilian uses is evil and should be destroyed with extreme prejudice.

Any ex-con attempting rehabilitation will be regarded with suspicion and derision, and any good they do will be condemned as part of some nefarious scheme, sometimes to the point of physical assault, and their eventual snapping from such mistreatment will be regarded as justifying the initial suspicions all along.

Most importantly, the people who enforce the law are themselves inherently above the law. This is a fair and just system that has never, ever, backfired in the history of civilization.

If you live in a super-powered world, being a normal person sucks.

Being just about anyone in a super-powered world sucks these days. Normal people get sidelined, villains attempting rehabilitation get all but forced back into the rat race, and as for heroes:

When you possess extraordinary abilities, the only moral way to use them is to dress up in garish spandex and find petty criminals to punch or wait for alien invaders or some such to fight. Cooperating with scientists to reproduce and distribute beneficial abilities to ordinary people is evil, and so is sharing any advanced alien technology you might have at your disposal.

If you're a hero, your personal life will get progressively worse, and not just over villains targeting your loved ones. Even getting a date is an endeavor of soap-operatic proportions, despite the fact that your appearance is straight out of a GQ cover. If you actually make it to marriage, don't worry - you'll sell your soul to the Devil and make it disappear. This will totes make you down with the kids again.

Unless you're born wealthy (or a helpful villain builds a whole company for you), you'll suffer from perpetual poverty, perish the thought your abilities actually benefit you for a change.

Then again, it doesn't count if you make money from publicizing your own heroics under the guise of a journalist, or if you treat your masked alter-ego as a recognized bodyguard and extension of your company.