Your Funniest Tabletop Story

Well, there WERE two ships. And 100/2=50 after all.

I don't have any of my own stories to tell, but I did come across a nice bit of hilarity from a D&D in VRChat session:

Edited by Gofastmike on Mar 15th 2021 at 6:41:05 AM

I wonder if this idea to beat a gelatinous cube could work XD

Edited by lalalei2001 on May 13th 2020 at 10:55:55 AM

Can someone explain that to someone who doesn't remember Chemistry class well (or rather is not sure what terms are in finnish? )

Basically, acids are stuff with lots of positively-charged hydrogens and bases are stuff with lots of negatively-charged oxygen-hydrogen pairs. Slap an acid and a base together and the hydrogens bond with the OH pairs to turn into neutrally-charged water, meaning that acids and bases can be used to neutralize or at least weaken each other.

Oh, "base" is "emäs" okay I got it now

Turns out that sometimes annoying a powerful vampire could save your life.

The vampire had our party trapped in a wall of force, and forced us to watch as a group of evil druids performed a solemn summoning ritual. No one in the party was able to do anything meaningful, so I opted to have my bard make the ritual a little less solemn by singing bawdy tavern songs. The vampire used a silence spell to shut me up. The silence protected us from a powerful sonic attack when the summoning finished. We barely avoided a TPK in the ensuing fight.

Reminds me of when I used a wand of pyrotechnics inside a cave. Those things make a noise you can hear from 300 feet away, so there was some temporary deafness, which was a bit of a problem for the bard whose spells relied on the target being able to hear.

When I've been a GM very few of my players have focused on stealth, which has led to many, many botches, usually leading to combat-situations that cause huge environmental damage. The biggest instance of this happened in an abandoned quarry in the Rocky Mountains, in the year 1899. The place was full of abandoned gear, such as steampunk digging-machines and crates of dynamite, as well as several "no smoking"-signs. The place had been abandoned due to gas pockets underneath the ground and I tried to warn my players that they ought to sneak around this time, as the last chapter had ended with them burning and sinking a riverboat. They were supposed to play poker on the boat to get intel on a conspiracy, but naturally they went the violent route.

With all the warnings about fire-hazards, such as gas and dynamite, my players ended up engaging the villains in direct combat after a botched stealth roll. There was a lot of gunfire, but miraculously only a few small explosions, which at this point happened near the bad guys instead of the players. In the confusion the main villain tried to escape in a steampunk-y mining truck, which meant that the players tried to catch up to them by commandeering another truck. The players managed to drive ahead of the villain and then proceeded to speed against him, playing chicken with huge armour-plated steampunk trucks. With steam-engines that hadn't been properly maintained in years.

The two vehicles crashed, with their respective boilers exploding. The players and the villain survived that explosion through sheer luck, but after that there was a series of follow-up explosions. There had already been small localized explosions of the dynamite, but now the tremors from the truck-crash-explosion combined with several gas pockets getting ignited, led together to one big explosion. We're talking about a fireball almost as big as the entire quarry, with hundreds of tons of dirt and rocks flying upwards.

The players survived thanks to hiding underneath an upturned machine, that thankfully kept them alive through the rock-fall. The original plan was for the players to spy on the villains and figure out where their employers would show up at a future date.

Yesterday's session had a good one.

So, the villain of the last arc was a poisoner and the party caught him. Among the possessions in his home, was one hidden behind a riddle, a magic mirror dimension, and using a second mirror to let them pull out the only book not written in Sdrawkcab Name: a not at all suspicious and perfectly innocuous book of bedtime poetry called "The Deep Slumber".

So, the party rogue decides to read and investigate it. Rolls a 10, "this is a book full of poetry of peaceful things like flowers, animals, and natural features written in such a way as to help insomniacs sleep".

Tries again, because of course anything hidden that well can't be innocuous. Rolls a 2. I decide since it's a book about sleeping, he should roll a Constitution Save to see if he doesn't lose concentration and get sleepy (in hindsight, I should have done Wisdom, maybe next time). Critical Fail.

I describe to the other party member how the Tabaxi started off flipping through the pages furiously, determined eyes racing and pawed hands flying... only to slow down... down... and then he's hunching over very close to the parchment, no doubt examining some vital clue intensely... until you start hearing a soft, peaceful purring.

The Tabaxi Rogue PC has gone to sleep.

(The book was actually written in "the language of birds", a written variant of Thieves Cant used exclusively by alchemists and poisoners to laboriously describe poison mixtures via allegory and code. But the face value of peaceful poetry for insomniacs remained, and the crit fail was just too good to pass up.)

This Mega Man-inspired gaming story is a hoot!

https://www.reddit.com/r/DnDGreentext/comments/5uaepg/the_absolutely_hilarious_tale_of_vincent_the/ddt2atl/

We just had one in our Pathfinder Reign of Winter campaign:

Edited by Medinoc on Nov 8th 2020 at 8:01:49 PM

So I started a Warhammer 4 Ed. campaign with a new group, including a semi-famous local Twitch streamer. I play a human engineer, there are two elves and a dwarf in the party as well.

The dwarf, of course, starts bitching about the elves not knowing how a mine looks (except, one of the elves is a local scout), and we have info that it's an open pit mine. So I go "It's an open pit mine, when we see a big fucking hole in the ground, we'll know that's it." The dwarf keeps grumbling, so I continue: "Look at him. So short and still able to put his own head up his ass."

Cue both elf players AND the GM laughing their asses off.

Edited by NotSoBadassLongcoat on Jan 21st 2021 at 3:26:21 PM

Another one from the same group. At the last session, we were supposed to find a greenskin camp in an area called Snotling Hills. So our elven scout stumbled upon a set of smallish (read, about size 6) boot prints surrounded by a shitload of tiny bare foot prints. He figured out that the boots belonged to a goblin and started wondering what the smaller prints were.

Cue my character Morgan snarking "And how are those hills called, jenius?"

And on this session of Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay, the group comes together and goes waaaay off the rails.

Our group consists of:

• Kokos, the semi-famous Twitch streamer, and the host. Plays the High Elf shadow mage's apprentice, Van En Veil.
• Nim, another Twitch streamer, who also edits and upload the stream footage to Youtube. Plays the Wood Elf tracker, Nimeven.
• Zyntek, Dwarf fan and guest on several streams. Plays the Dwarven soldier Unra Unsarsson.
• And me. I play Imperial engineering student Morgan Kaltenbach.

Zyntek and Kokos are discussing the NPCs we encountered.

Zyntek: I think there was another guy who stunk...
Kokos: Yeah, you.

While discussing what could collapse one of the city's towers, Zyntek shows me a piece of paper with "Skaven?" on it. I respond by writing "WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT SKAVEN!" on another piece of paper. Also, this exchange:

Zyntek: So you're saying there's a mole in the city?
Me: Yeah, large enough to burrow under a tower...

Another fun scene: in a smuggler's tunnel under the collapsed tower, we heard a woman's voice.

Kokos: How do you know it's not voice of a Dwarven woman?!
Zyntek: I can hear she doesn't have a beard!

In the same tunnel, I start sniffing around after Kokos started explaining, in a very convoluted way, what he learned from the woman's ghost.

Me: Do I smell any swamp gas, mushrooms, fermented grain, something like that? (I roll Perception successfully and smell gunpowder instead, which lines up with the ghost's story about smugglers having a wee bit of a gunpowder accident)
Kokos: What are you smelling?
Me: Gunpowder.
Kokos: So she wasn't lying!
Me: So you're not tripping balls.

The Shadow College's emblem is an arrow pointing right, so when our apprentice spots Sigil Spam of those in a hidden lounge in a dilapidated bathhouse (guarded by a crazy strong illusion of a closed hatch in the floor that could only be crossed if you didn't believe in it), I couldn't help myself.

Me: He sees the symbol of his order, we see arrows saying "FIRE EXIT".

The hidden lounge itself was something of a bad dungeoneer prank from ancient days, with the hint being "A rain of gold and a hound's howl will guide you to the treasure of elven yearning." Trying to figure out the meaning of that one ended up in this exchange:

Me: Golden shower...
Zyntek: A rain of gold! That's a very important difference!
Me: That's great, because I was afraid we'd have to look for that treasure in the shitter!

Cue the next room we discovered being a latrine. The entire group cracked up.

Me: Now, gentlemen, if you excuse me, I need to take a leak. There was supposed to be a golden shower and there's gonna be a fucking golden shower!

Also, the "treasure of elven yearning" turned out to be a flask of powerful aphrodisiac. And of course, not only Kokos fucked up his Endurance roll double-0-spectacularly, but didn't spend any Luck points to reroll that. And ended up so insanely horny that we had to knock him out and tie him up. Which meant we were stuck under an illusion we couldn't dispel to get out.

Me: Great. We're trapped underground with a FUCKING ULTHUANI BUNNY!

And in a while, this exchange:

Zyntek: If we fall asleep and he gets free...
Me: Then we're all fucked.

The entire group cracked up after this one. Again.

I come up with a plan to escape the lounge by using the apprentice, still tied up, as a battering ram.

Me: Oh well, I have an idea. It's absolute idiocy, but "absolute idiocy" is all we have left.

Nim: How do we hold him, feet first?
Me: HEAD FIRST.

Me: Close your eyes and don't open them until you feel the impact.

Then we lined up to run straight up the stairs, closed our eyes and with the battle cry of "THERE IS NO HATCH!" we plowed right through the illusion. Yes. Wielding the apprentice as a battering ram.

Nim: So what now?
Me: Let's take him to a brothel.
Nim: And who's going to pay for that?!
Me: We'll take his purse.

When the apprentice finally sobered up, I could only say "Well, bunny... You fucked up."

Kokos, of course, cracked up.

Edited by NotSoBadassLongcoat on Feb 13th 2021 at 3:21:59 PM

It was my first ever D&D campaign. Me, the wizard, and another character, the half-orc fighter, infiltrated an Orc clan working for the Big Bad by pretending to be messengers from him. We got to the cheftain’s tent, where he was talking to their boss on essentially a crystal ball. So I silenced the ball, and it turned out my character was a ventriloquist (the DM flat-out said that the cheftain must have sucked at reading facial cues). Then when an actual messenger from the Big Bad (a demon) arrived I had the Orcs bury it alive, cast a silencing spell on it and pretended to cast Permanency (which I was too low-level to actually do).

So, during a sequence where we were supposed to be preparing to raid an enemy camp, one of our players decided he was going to ignore any kind of mystery or anything and go get drunk. Come the raid, the DM declared that he was too drunk and had to pass a CON check each turn or be unable to act. We barely made it through. Afterwards, I asked the DM for a few rulings:

Me: Does drunkenness count as being poisoned for the purpose of Lay On Hands?

DM: Yes.

Me: Do I have to make contact with him in any particular way to use Lay On Hands?

DM: Any contact with your hand would suffice.

So with that, I proceeded to slap the drunkenness out of him.

Doesn't even have to be hand, despite the name. I've allowed my paladins to punt the evil away with a swift boot to the rear.

This thread is full of fun stories of "useless" items coming in handy. My favorite is the "Elder Brother's Gauntlet" that forces you to punch yourself while saying "Stop hitting yourself!" over and over.

The funniest thing from today's session, in video form.

Warhammer, 4th Edition. Our elven mage (back left) casts Mist of Confusion at a room full of zombies, wights, undead generally. The GM (top of the table) rolls resistances for them, and (what the clip covers) says that all we can hear is one massive racket, implicitly - of the zombies collapsing under the effects of the spell. The guy who plays the mage starts laughing. I get... reminded of something.

Not to mention, the GM later cracked up after one of the undead consistently flunked all rolls to get up for at least six turns.

Other funny things:

• I manage to drop an armored undead with a pistol critshot, he keels over and hits a large gong that we joked earlier was used as a dinner bell. My reaction? "Dinner is served."
• The one-handed dwarf (near left in the video) had 10% chance of finding a preserved dwarven right hand among the specimen jars in a necromancer's lab. He rolled an 8 on a d100. Now he's lugging a jar with a hand in it.
  • Which prompted several jokes from me, among them "MEIN FUHRER, I CAN VALK!" and "If it starts running around the workshop, I'm not chasing it!"
• I roll a 69 on an attack roll. "Nice. I mean, I missed, but it's nice anyway."
• I roll a 94 on a Knowledge: Engineering roll. "It's totally safe! Pull the lever, Kronk!"
• After finding a sizable stash of alcohol, the mage rolled a double while casting a spell and caused a manifestation that made all the alcohol in a 200 foot radius undrinkable. While the alcohol stash was about 80 feet away.

Edited by NotSoBadassLongcoat on Sep 12th 2021 at 3:19:02 PM

I made a Reveillark that can revive itself.

So my Sefris of the Hidden Ways deck has a combo in it that isn't terribly obvious - Reveillark and Phantasmal Image. All I need is a Sacrifice outlet - like say a Phyrexian Altar which sacrifices a creature for a mana - and the Image copying Reveillark.

The Phantasmal Image has a power and toughness of jack diddly squat in the graveyard, but it perfectly copies every facet of Reveillark. Including what happens if something should happen to Reveillark to make it go away. Needless to say, Reveillark was never intended to revive itself.

But because it registers itself as a 0 / 0 when the ability is on the stack, I can do something silly like revive the Image itself along with something else. From there, I can either drain my opponents out with a Blood Artist effect, or go full Dungeons and use Radiant Solar - which Ventures each time a creature enters the battlefield.

Thus I can endlessly go through the same fucking Dark Pools in the Lost Mine of Phandelver - which itself drains each opponent for one life, which I then gain.

This thread detailing mundane details the players obsess over is fun, especially the story of Meat on a Stick.

We had a nice Brick Joke today in our Wulin session.

The Emperor had recently vacated the palace to visit the frontlines, to great effect. Coming back victorious to the capital city, he found some conspiracy had proclaimed an usurper "emperor"! As the Emperor demanded entry to his palace, the conspiracy's mastermind confronted him, saying the usurper's takeover was legitimate on the grounds of the throne being vacant.

He was soundly rebuked by my magistrate PC who provided a perfect legal argument, duly referenced, that the throne isn't some fancy chair in the palace: The throne is wherever the Emperor sits.

Fast-forward a few hours, things happen, the Emperor manages to depose the usurper, the conspiracy's mastermind is arrested and brought in for interrogation. Of course, the Emperor wants to be present.

• GM: (Magistrate PC) and (Interrogator PC), you enter the interrogation room, already set as per (Interrogator PC)'s specifications: The prisoner on the torture rack, and a couple comfy chairs for those who will be asking the questions.
• GM: Before long the Emperor enters, takes a seat and gestures to you to proceed.
• Interrogator PC: I lean into the prisoner's ear and whisper: "This is the current throne."

I recently discovered the Doomed the Universe with Karaoke story and can't stop laughing. What an unlucky series of rolls!

The Tale of Death Blanket cracked me up. It necessitated an Obvious Rule Patch to avoid just killing everything on sight XD