Quotes / Racist Grandma

Film — Live-Action

"I disagree, man. She was just an old timer. It's the way people talked back then. That didn't mean they were racist. ... But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a Nigger Knife. You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist."

— Randall Graves, after being called out for saying "Porch Monkey" in front of a black couple in Clerks II.

Live-Action TV

Shirley: There's been a transgression today. And I will no longer continue with this group with this man.
Pierce: Just skip to the "I'm sorry".
Shirley: You are pathological, and you will never change.
Pierce: (laughs) That is the pot calling the kettle... a kettle, okay?
Shirley: Oh, you can say "black", Pierce. I'm a black woman. The cat is out the bag. You've literally identified me to strangers as "the black woman".
Pierce: Out of context. Context is everything! I call the other women "flat-butt" and "the one Abed wants to nail".
Annie: (mouthing) Is that you?
Britta: (mouthing) Not me. (to Pierce) So, what's the context for constantly referring to me as lesbian?
Pierce: If the wallet chain fits. Just trying to help you find yourself.
Troy: At least he doesn't think Shirley's my mom anymore. He thinks that we're cousins.
Pierce: You're not?
Abed: Still assumes I'm a terrorist.
Pierce: If you're not, I'm sorry. And if you are, I'm a hero. I'm willing to take that chance.
Annie: You said I have a crafty Jew brain.
Pierce: Nobody knows how to take a compliment anymore!

— Community, "The Art of Discourse"

J.D.: So black people can get black eyes too, huh? Who knew?
Turk: I haven't had one this bad since your Nanny Hobbes threw that rock at me.
J.D.: She thought you were robbing the house.

— Scrubs, "My Advice to You"

J.D: [lecturing his interns on giving attention to patients] The thing is, guys, it doesn't matter if he's a homeless guy or some senile old racist...
Mr. Bersick: Which people do I hate again?
J.D: Immigrants, Mr. Bersick, you hate all immigrants.
Mr. Bersick: And why do I—
J.D: I don't have time, Mr. Bersick.
[...]
Mr. Bersick: Dr. Dorian, why do I hate all immi—
J.D: [annoyed at him] Because they're stealing all of our jobs, Mr. Bersick, stealing all of our jobs.

— Scrubs, "My Missed Perception"

" Look, Josh, I'm a man of God and I try to believe the best about everyone, but if you think you're gonna make it through a whole weekend with a bunch of 70-year-olds and not get called an Oriental, you're out of your ever-loving mind."

— Father Brah, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Radio

Jack Dee: "Grandma, we love you, grandma we do, though we may be far away we think of you, and one day when we're older, we'll look back and say..."
Miles Jupp: "In retrospect, she was actually quite racist, wasn't she"?

— I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue

Webcomics

Mr. Owl: So how did it go? Were your parents as difficult as Roland said they'd be?
Steve: Well, let's just say they're from a different time.
Cooper: What does that mean?
Steve: It means they're full of hate, but it's okay because they're old and harmless.

— Daisy Owl, "A Different Time"

Web Animation

"Apparently, Buffalo Bill taught him how to knife fight in, umm, 'Injun style', (ahem!). And now's a great time to remind you that Scrooge is pretty old. It was a different time. Racism aside..."

— DEATH BATTLE!

Katz: Now Uno, if he has any lawn jockeys or other racist paraphenalia, just know he's a product of his time.
Uno: I mean, I don't think that's an excuse for blatant racist iconography, is it?
Katz: Oh Uno, you liberal little bitch. Oh God, snowflake. Uno! Snowflake, much!
(Mr. Schultz comes to the door)
Mr. Schultz: Hello? Who's there?
Katz: Mr. Schultz, it's your neighbor Katz. Now we know that you're a man of, uh, advanced years and probably have various racist artifacts and other knicknacks from times gone by.
Uno: Why are you so hung up on this?

—Monster Lab (2021), Episode 1: The Immortal Man (oddly enough, Mr. Schultz didn't have anything racist, so that was all a waste of time)

Web Original

Elsewhere, absentee owner and living pun Woody Johnson apparently spent his time as UK ambassador bitching about the existence of Black History Month. He’s the NYPD’s favorite NFL owner.

—Drew Magary, "Why Your Team Sucks: New York Jets"

I'd like to thank Paula Deen for fulfilling every expectation I had for what Paula Deen is like behind closed doors. Whenever I saw her making waffle-batter pie on the Food Network, I always thought to myself, "I bet that woman says the N-word all the time when the camera's off and tries to hire black tap-dancing manservants for her weddings. Oh, and I bet her brother gets accused of having segregated bathrooms at his restaurant." Nailed it.

—Drew Magary, "The Least Influential People of 2013"

''I was young when my grandmother passed away, but I can still vividly remember her sweet perfume, the warm accent she spoke with, her gentle smile and the many times she told me that the Irish were fake Catholics which is why God uses the sun to hurt them.

— Tweet

I don't understand why the Chinese don't just use forks and spoons. But I guess I'll manage...

—Old Lady!Arin Hanson, Game Grumps

"Son, the only thing an Oriental baby leads to is trouble. And after you eat it, you're hungry 20 minutes later."
(LAUGHTER)
"No, listen closely: I fucking unironically hate the Orientals."
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

—Seanbaby, "The Worst Comedy On TV (Explained to Deaf People)"

Thorpe: I hope the system of gingerly handling old people like they're retarded is still in place when I'm old, because I'm going to be saying the most racist shit imaginable just to watch people squirm.
Zack: Yeah, if you can live past about 60 you are finally free to just absolutely hate black people in public. Which I think is what we all secretly want.

—"Doctor" David Thorpe and Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons, regular contributors to Something Awful

Western Animation

White Diamond: I've been saying please and thank you, even to lower lifeforms!
Steven: What did we talk about?
White Diamond: Ugh, equal lifeforms.

— Steven Universe: The Movie

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