Danger -- Human!
is a short story by author Gordon R. Dickson.
In the past, so far in the past that the history is sketchy and based mostly off legends, there is a tale of an ancient warmongering race of aliens who have attempted to conquer the known universe on three seperate occasions. Each time, their empires fell apart from within based on some inherent fault in the species, and each time their kind was hunted to apparent extinction, with the home world and all known colonial worlds being destroyed.
The only wisdom passed down through the ages is the phrase: "Danger, Human! High Explosive. Do not touch"
Now the Doctor, the Commander, and the Academic, the chosen representatives selected to investigate humanity, have kidnapped an otherwise unremarkable man named Eldridge Timothy Parker for study.
The series provides examples of:
- Advanced Ancient Humans: Humans used to be a warmongering, space-faring race that nearly conquered the known galaxy several times over.
- Create Your Own Villain: The assorted races of the galaxy knew that humanity was dangerous, and the only ancient wisdom surrounding them was literally "do not touch." So of course they kidnap a human, make him essentially immortal, give him a grudge, and inadvertently let him run off with a spaceship with tech far beyond what humans currently are capable of making on their own. The Doctor's reaction upon hearing what Elridge has done is to drunkenly toast to the destruction of his race, culture, and order.
- The Determinator: Eldridge spent years planning his escape, memorizing every moment of the guard and food-bringer's routine and vomiting regularly enough to corrode the metal of the food hatch so he could tear it off and break out of the cage.
- The Dreaded: Ancient humans were so terrifying and destructive that the only information other ancient alien civilizations were able to pass down about them were the instructions: "Danger, Human! High Explosive. Do not touch!"
- Drowning My Sorrows: After being Eldridge's physician for several years, the Doctor is finally moved to quit due to a mixture of feeling unnerved by Eldridge and feeling guilty about his role in his imprisonment. When asked to be relieved of duty, however, he is denied. The Doctor responds by going to indulge in "emotion deadening drugs."
- Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": The aliens involved with Eldridge's capture are only refereed to by their occupations: the Doctor, the Commander, and the Academic.
- The Empath: It is noted that there are entire "sensitive" races. After Elridge escapes with alien tech, immortality, and a grudge, we see two members of such a race wake up from having nightmares, implying that whatever Eldridge will do next won't end well for the other sapient species.
- Farm Boy: Slight variation, as Elridge was indeed a farmer who was called to adventure, though it is less The Hero's Journey and more Great Escape.
- Go Mad from the Isolation: The aliens are certain that through their experimentation, they have ensured that Eldridge cannot go insane. However, he has a wild, howling fit of temporary insanity from being locked up, and by the end of the story it cannot be said that he is mentally well.The Doctor: You tried hard, but you didn't make it. there's no way out that way for you.
Eldridge: (smiling)
The Doctor: Stop that! You aren't fooling us. We know you're perfectly rational... What do you think you're doing?
Eldridge: I'm going home. - Humans Are Cthulhu: The various alien species of the galaxy have records reaching back to a particular point in history, where a terrible catastrophe whose nature is now lost to the ages wiped out nearly everything. The only surviving records include a map indicating Earth with the note indicating extreme danger. A research group eventually decides to capture a lone ordinary human, under the tightest possible security that they can muster, to study and perhaps figure out why.
- Humans Are the Real Monsters: Humans are a warmongering race that has nearly conquered the entire known universe three times before. Every other sapient species is so afraid of them that they have come together to create a special coalition to study them.
- Humans Are Special: At first, the Academic proposes that humanity's natural determination and ingenuity alone are what made them formidable enemies. He posits that no other species would even consider breaking out of a seemingly impenetrable prison. While those are definitely factors, the fact that they are also apparently immune to the deadly vaporizing technology that the alien military rely on helps.
- Humans Are Warriors: In the ancient history of the galaxy, humans were violent, greedy, and destructive monsters. One of the aliens outright states that while war and greed aren't unique to humanity, we're the only ones who take things too far, and the only ones willing to destroy others to get what we want.
- Laser-Guided Amnesia: The aliens' initial examination of Eldridge is implied to be highly traumatic and excruciatingly painful, wherein they literally took him apart piece by piece, then reassembled him. However, out of what appears to be a sense of ethics, they ensure that Elridge doesn't remember any of it.
- Nigh-Invulnerability: The aliens tell Eldridge that he is now essentially immortal, and that he won't be able to kill himself to escape their observational prison. However, the Doctor later clarifies that he is not entirely immortal, and that they will painlessly destroy him someday should he cooperate with their study.
- Tailor-Made Prison: The aliens construct an escape-proof cell, consisting of metal physical enclosures, an impenetrable force field, constant armed surveillance, and access only for carefully monitored brief periods to provide food and water, to study a human they abduct to try and find out why humans kept conquering the galaxy. He escapes.
- Translator Microbes: The aliens give Eldridge the ability to understand their language when they take apart his brain.
