Funny / Ron White

• The Tater Salad story.
  • The on-stage story of how he wound up with it is made up for comic effect, but "Tater Salad" was his real nickname in the Navy.
• In one skit, he suggests that the Ayatollah be replaced with "that guy they kicked out of The Oak Ridge Boys" and call him "Ayatollah Oom Papa Mow Mow".
• The whole bit about sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating cheetos is undoubtedly the funniest thing involving Robert Tilton that doesn't include dubbed-in flatulence.
• That hilarious, shit-eating grin he makes at the end of his "Go Find a Helmet/Put On The Damn Helmet" joke.
• The bit about waiting in line for Garth Brooks tickets:
  I wouldn't camp out for three days if I was (Beat) camping.
• His explanation for why he doesn't hunt:
  It's not that I think it's somehow more holy to eat meat that's been bludgeoned to death, that's not it. It's just that it's really early in the morning, it's really cold outside, and... I don't wanna fuckin' go.
• In one skit, he says that he discovered there's a place called Bumfuck, Egypt, "and the only way to get there is to go up Shit Creek."
• Talking about why he wasn't in Blue Collar TV:
  It's because of my work ethic. My grandfather used to say, "That boy's got a lot of quit in 'im!" And that's true, too. What I didn't quit, I got kicked out of. I got kicked off the high school debate team for shouting "Yeah? Well, FUCK YOU!" I thought I'd won! The other guy was speechless. I thought that's what we were trying to do.
• Ron recounts one time when he was on tour, when his wife called him to complain about their dog pooping on the floor:
  Ron: Well, shoot him!
  Wife: That's just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic.
  Ron: Alright, Honey, I'm sorry... Put the dog on the phone, let me talk to him—What the hell do you want ME to do about it?! I'm in DENVER!
• Talking about his first wife's family:
  She's not rich at all. Her parents... are looooooad-eeeeed-aaaaah. And they hate my guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuts. And I'm waiting for them to diiiiiiiie... And you'll know if they die, too, because you'll never see my fat ass again. I'll be in Palm Beach with all my new friends!
• His bit about how amazed he is that women are so blasé about menstruating, when the thought of going through the same thing terrifies him:
  If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't be all nonchalant, "Oh look, I'm spotting!" FUCK that; I'd be running down the street like my hair was on fire, screaming "MY BALLS ARE BLEEDING, MY BALLS ARE BLEEDING!!"
• The bit about paper mills and the horrific stench they produce:
  They say that depending on which way the wind's blowin' over 2 million people can smell the stench produced by this one paper plant at a time. That is a big... odor. If it was music and 2 million people could hear it, they'd make 'em turn it the fuck off. Because it's a smell, it's okay? No, it's not okay. Find a way to make paper that doesn't stink. It's not like you're making catfish bait out of cabbage, goddammit. You're making paper out of wood. Paper doesn't stink, wood doesn't stink. You're doin' something to make it stink, fuckin' quit! (does a short dance at the mic) That's me dancing on my soapbox.
• At the end of Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road, Ron, Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy look through a scrapbook of embarrassing photos featuring them. One of which has Jeff in weird-looking glasses, while two barely-naked gay sailors are hugging each other in the background. Bill comments on the glasses, while Ron brings up the big elephant in the room.
  Bill: What's with the glasses?
  Ron: You look at that photo, and the glasses bother you? What about the two sailors in ass-less chaps, did you ever think about that, Bill?
  Jeff: (laughing, to Bill) He's got a point!

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