Funny / Parenthood

1989 Film

• Practically anything Grandma does.
  Gil: (about Grandma) If she's so brilliant, how come she's sitting in our neighbor's car?
• Gil watching his son getting creamed by the first boss from Bad Dudes
  Gil: Well they're Bad Dudes. That's why they called the game "Bad Dudes".
• Helen, finding out why her son Garry is so sullen and moody lately... when she finds his porn stash.
  Helen: I assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.
  • Just even the bit of Helen finding the porn. Her sister Susan just happens to be stopping by to drop off Grandma for the weekend and...
  Grandma (nodding at Helen): She needs a man... Now!
  Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!
  Grandma (as Susan tries to escort her away from the television): One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!
• Karen finds out from her sister-in-law about how to help a husband cope with stress. So when Gil admits to being "really stressed" during a drive home one night, Karen tries the trick of giving Gil oral sex.
  Police officer (after a Gilligan Cut): Can you explain how this car wreck occurred?
  • To which Gil drily responds:
  Gil: Show him honey.
• Nathan getting punched in the face by Patty during karate lessons.
• Nathan's fed-up wife telling him she's leaving him using flashcards.
• Helen, coping with another family blowup in the middle of her blind date with this guy named George. When Helen yells that she can't be a grandmother due to being at Woodstock, George perks up:
  Helen: No. Grandmothers are old. They bake and the sew and they talk about the Depression...(laughs, then suddenly becomes very angry and starts yelling) I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung onto The Who's helicopter as it flew away!
  George: I was at Woodstock!
  Helen (still yelling): Oh yeah? I thought you looked familiar! (now takes a shot of vodka in a mug) ^note It's a common gag among the Baby Boomer generation to claim they were at Woodstock when not everybody really was.
  • The date with George turns out pretty successful, considering the movie ends with Helen giving birth to their child.
• Cowboy Gil. Just, Cowboy Gil:
  "I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face! It was like this: *flashes hilariously dopey smile* ...So I killed him.

TV Series

Season 1

• In the middle of moving, Sarah realizes that Amber is missing and tracks her down at her slacker teenage boyfriend’s apartment. Amber says that she isn’t moving to Berkeley: she’s moving in with Damien. A stand off begins between mother and daughter as Amber tells Damien that Sarah’s bark is worse than her bite. There’s a split second pause as Sarah shoots Amber a look and Amber starts to look worried. Sarah then lunges at Amber before the scene cuts.
• Julia tells Sarah that she keeps running into Jim Kaczynski. Kristina momentarily gets the name confused with Ted Kaczynski aka the Unabomber.
• Julia sets Sarah up on a date with Jim after convincing Sarah that he’s still a catch. After Jim shows up and is revealed to have aged into a chubby, balding man who apparently doesn’t really feel the need to dress up for a date, Sarah goes outside to ream Julia out. As Sarah is walking away to make the call, Jim asks her if she wants to order some shrimp toast. Sarah urgently and absentmindedly replies ‘uh-huh, any kind of toast!’. What really sells the line is Lauren Graham’s delivery.
• Zeek is playing basketball with Max and ends up giving him a bloody nose. When asked why he gave an eight-year old a bloody nose, Zeek simply says that Max was in his zone.
• Sarah is looking at job listings for bartending. Zeek thinks that she can do more for herself.
  Zeek: You didn’t move all the way back to Berkeley to serve whiskey sours to a bunch of alcoholics. You should be on the other side of that equation.
  Sarah: Okay, I should… I should be an alcoholic?
• Raquel is flirting with Joel while hosting the school auction. Kristina sees this interaction and immediately asks Julia “who is this tramp?”.
  • The flirting was picked up on by Crosby too.
    Crosby: Well, if you do get booted then maybe that ho won’t try to raw dog your husband.
• Julia is bidding on an item at a school auction. It looks like she is going to get it, but Raquel swoops in at the last minute. Julia ups her bid right back. Cue ‘uh-oh’ reactions from all of the siblings as they realize this is about to get serious given how hyper-competitive Julia is.
• Haddie’s new boyfriend Steve is having his first dinner with the entire family and calls Camille by her first name. Kristina can’t believe this, whispering to Julia and Joel that it took her two years to be able to call her that. Joel quietly responds that he still can’t.
• Julia and Joel need a babysitter and Sarah, seeing an opportunity to prove herself to Julia, volunteers an uninterested Amber. Sarah goes over to Amber who is sleeping in a lawn chair and wakes her up by flicking water in her face.
  Sarah: Aunt Julia wants you to babysit.
  Amber: So you’re waterboarding me?
• The entire family is getting ready to eat. Sarah asks where Drew is. Amber mentions that he’s in the bathroom again.
  Amber: You do know what he’s doing in there right?
  Sarah: (Shut up now tone) Yes, he’s getting clean.
  Amber: Yeah… spankin’ clean.
• Sarah calls Adam to talk to Drew about the masturbation and tell him to maybe channel his energy in other ways.
  Adam: What like downloading porn?
  Sarah: (Groans)
  Adam: That’s outside the shower.
• Zeek tries to convince Sarah to let him talk to Drew. Sarah immediately turns him down saying that the talk Zeek had with Sarah, way back when, was scarring enough. Zeek says that he just wants Drew to know that it’s normal and even he, himself still does it. Sarah drives off in understandable disgust.
• Adam and Kristina go to Steve’s house to look for a runaway Haddie. Adam is shocked that Steve would live in such a nice house.
  Kristina: Honey, don’t judge a book by it’s cover: you can cook meth anywhere. I told you that.
• Sarah thinks that Adam is pulling her leg about Crosby having a son until he breaks out the name ‘Jabbar’.
  Sarah: There’s no way you could have made that name up.
• Julia asks Joel if she’s a control freak. He hesitates to speak and Julia then tells him what he should have said to comfort her. Joel asks if telling him how to respond to the question makes Julia feel like less of a control freak.
• Sarah asks Crosby whether she’s ok to start seeing Mr. Cyr. Crosby reasons that she must want to go out with Mr. Cyr if she’s coming to him for advice instead of Adam or Julia.
  Crosby: If you wanted to say ‘no’ you’d ask Dudley Do-Right or Judge Julia.
• Adam is out at dinner with two clients when he gets a call from Kristina. She tries to get him to cut the dinner as short as possible since Haddie and Max are gone for a few hours. Adam is on board and just before hanging up, Kristina decides to entice Adam with this line:
  Kristina: Adam? Kitten’s on the grill.
• Sarah, Kristina, and Julia are talking about Sarah’s upcoming first date with Mark. Julia mentions that since Mark is younger he’s probably not going to want to be ‘scared off by a chia pet’. What follows is a quite frank discussion about pubic hair.
  Kristina: (To Julia) Ok, seriously I want to know what you’ve got going on down there.
• Kristina thinks that Adam bought her a sexy bra while Adam thinks that she bought it for herself. Kristina checks the packaging and sees that it’s addressed to an H. Braverman. Cue Adam freaking out about the bra lying on him.
  Adam: Haddie?! Get it off me! Get it off!
  • Kristina asks Haddie if she bought the bra for Steve. Not wanting to get into the conversation that Kristina is building towards, Haddie dismissively says that Steve doesn’t have boobs.
• Kristina is entering the working world for the first time in years and has Sarah and Julia over to help her pick work-appropriate outfits. Both sisters-in-law proceed to make fun of Kristina’s horribly dated looks.
  Sarah: From the David Byrne collection…
  Julia: Weren’t you on Dynasty?

Season 2

• Zeek tells Sarah that he read her play and Sarah reprimands him for it. During their conversation Amber starts insistently asking if she’s mentioned in the play. After Sarah and Zeek stop talking, Sarah turns to a still questioning Amber and uses the exact tone of a mother who is completely over it.
  Sarah: Yeah, it’s ALL about you.

Season 3

• Season 3, episode "Nora". Peter Krause dressing "hip."