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Funny / 'Allo 'Allo!

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  • From "Desperate Doings in the Graveyard", Lt. Gruber's interrogation of Monsieur Alphonse. "Ve ask ze questions!"
    • Later in the same scene, the General asks Von Strohm if he thought the answer Alphonse gave was satisfactory.
    von Strohm: Certainly not, General.
    von Klinkerhoffen: Well it was for me. Release him.
  • From "Down the Drain", "Ve are here to search your café, peasant!" Pretty much any time Gruber attempts to act the part of a cruel oppressor is a guaranteed CMOF.
  • Lt. Grüber seeing Rene's bare butt in the opening scene in "Feather".
    Grüber: Are you open?
  • The numerous rhyming MacGuffins in the series 2 Christmas Episode, culminating in Hans saying them all in quick succession to a well-deserved applause from the audience. Danny Kaye would be proud.
    Hans: (upon learning of the bomb planted in General von Klinkerhoffen's cake) René, you do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General! Do you not see that if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the gateau from the chateau!
    Rene: Simple plots are always the best.
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  • "The Flying Nun": A zany resistance scheme ends with Mimi being dragged through the air by a large kite while wearing nun's robes. Cut to the German officers, surveying a field and discussing the invasion of England:
    General von Klinkerhoffen: Unfortunately, Hitler depends more on the advice of his astrologers than his generals. He claims to be waiting for a sign; when that sign arrives he will invade. It is my opinion that we are not ready.
    (Colonel von Strom, Gruber and Bertorelli stare as a struggling Mimi flies past von Klinkerhoffen's back)
    Colonel von Strohm: Would he regard a flying nun as a lucky omen?
    General von Klinkerhoffen: I should think, we'd be off tomorrow. Why do you ask?
    Colonel von Strohm: No reason at all ...
  • Edith tries to steal Lt. Grubers little tank and crashes into the public urinal, trapping Officer Crabtree inside.
    Crabtree: There's no piss for the wicked.
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  • In "Forged Francs and Fishsellers", Herr Flick and Herr von Smallhausen disguise themselves as fish sellers to track down stolen counterfeit money, and have a bewildering first encounter with gendarme/undercover British agent Crabtree, whose bad French accent seems to be contagious:
    (the two Gestapo agents wheel a cart of fish through the Nouvion square, Herr von Smallhausen limping in unison with Herr Flick)
    Herr Flick: Zis looks like a good pitch! Ve vill sell our fish. (raises voice) I have ze vinkles! I have ze vinkles! Alive, alive-o!
    von Smallhausen: I have ze crabs! I have ze crabs! Alive, alive-o!
    Herr Flick: (glares at von Smallhausen) Von Smallhausen, you vill drive people avay! You are not a good fish seller.
    von Smallhausen: I am sorry, Herr Flick. Please, tell me vhat to do.
    Herr Flick: (picks up a basket of conger eels) Conger! Conger!
    von Smallhausen: (mishearing, snaps his fingers in realisation and begins singing "I Came, I Saw, I Conga'd" while dancing) La la la la la LA LA, la la la la la LA LA, la LA LA LA, la LA LA LA- (Herr Flick grabs a large eel and hits von Smallhausen over the head with it)
    Crabtree: (walks up, sniffs the air, and grimaces) Your fosh is very pingy!
    Herr Flick: Go avay!
    Crabtree: You cannot spoke like thus to an efficer of the loo! (the Gestapo agents look thoroughly confused) Where is your straight treeder's lucence? (Herr Flick sneers and shows him his Gestapo ID) Ah. Gestupo. I will have a pound of wonkles.
    Herr Flick: (exchanges another confused look with von Smallhausen) Vhat are vonkles?
    Crabtree: (impatiently picks up a basket of winkles) THESE are wonkles.
    Herr Flick: Ah, VINKLES. (scoops some into a bag with a cup and hands the bag to Crabtree, and mentally declares him suspicious enough to interrogate further) Vhat part of France do you come from?
    Crabtree: I am half Itulian.
    Herr Flick: (exchanges yet another confused look with von Smallhausen) Itulian??
    Crabtree: Yes, Itulian.
    von Smallhausen: I sink he means "Italian".
    Crabtree: I was brought up in Nipples.
    Herr Flick: Nipples??
    Crabtree: Yes. You know the old suing. See Nipples, and do. (pays for his "wonkles" and leaves)
    (later in the episode)
    von Smallhausen: WONKLES, WONKLES, WHO WILL BUY MY WONKLES? (Herr Flick hits him over the head with the large eel again)
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  • In "The Great Un-Escape", a ploy to get the British airmen out has landed them, along with the French Resistance fighters and Colonel von Strohm and Captain Geering, in a prisoner of war camp moments before inspection by General von Klinkerhoffen. The RAF officers at the camp have to help disguise the new inmates and teach them enough English to pass themselves off as actual British PoWs, and they choose an interesting phrase to teach Hans...
    (as the RAF officers talk among themselves)
    Commandant: Stop talking in the ranks!
    RAF Officer: Up yours! (the other officers laugh)
    von Klinkerhoffen: Silence! (someone blows a raspberry at him)
    Commandant: SILENCE! (the crowd noise gets louder; von Klinkerhoffen loads his revolver and fires into the air)
    RAF Officer: (sarcastically) Temper, temper! (he and the other officers settle into silence)
    (von Klinkerhoffen walks past the PoWs; the first few do not say anything)
    Carstairs: Hello!
    Fairfax: Hello.
    René: (awkwardly) Bang on.
    Edith: Wizard prank.
    Yvette: Pip pip!
    Maria: Toodle-oo!
    Michelle: Chocks away.
    von Strohm: Hello... old fruit! (von Klinkerhoffen gives him a "Don't I know you?" look, but moves on)
    Hans: (sings) Hitler... has only got one-
    von Klinkerhoffen: SILENCE!! (the RAF officers roar with laughter)
  • The entire arc from Season 6, where Herr Flick and von Smallhausen disguise themselves as British airmen to infiltrate the Resistance is made of win:
    • Of course Herr Flick has a record with a course in: "How to fool French peasants into thinking you are English in one easy lesson":
      Record: Repeat after me: Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa...
    • Lt. Gruber gets word of the plan, and tells Rene that he will warn him in advance:
      Lt. Gruber: This will mean "It is on tonight." (Winks in an extremely suggestive way)
      Rene: ...Yes, that is what it usually means.
    • Officer Crabtree receiving Flick and von Smallhausen while dressed as a resistance girl ... and later getting romanced by a large German soldier and catcalled by Cafe guests.
    • The cafe staff dressing up as horror movie monsters and making Flick and von Smallhausen flee in terror.
  • In "Rising to the Occasion", General von Klinkerhoffen has snapped after one run-in too many with the Resistance and is planning to blow up Nouvion unless they hand over the British airmen; the Communist Resistance have countered this plan by tying Colonel von Strohm, Herr Flick, and Herr von Smallhausen to a 500-pound bomb in the cellar of Café René and sent René to the local German HQ to deliver the message to Gruber, Bertorelli, and the visiting General von Flockenstuffen, who decides to summon General von Klinkerhoffen to see what he has to say for himself. His rant is funny enough, but funnier still are Bertorelli's gestures behind his back:
    (Bertorelli is eating a bunch of grapes while Gruber and von Flockenstuffen chuckle over an old photograph)
    Helga: (enters and stands to attention) GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!
    (the General enters, salutes, and clicks his heels)
    von Flockenstuffen: (smirks) Hello, Piggy.
    von Klinkerhoffen: von Flockenstuffen. Vhat brings you to my headquarters?
    von Flockenstuffen: Vell, ve hear you're having a little run-in vith ze Resistance.
    von Klinkerhoffen: (chuckles) Oh, no problem. If they do not produce the airmen, I am going to press zis plunger, vhich vill blow up ze town!
    von Flockenstuffen: Isn't that a little severe?
    von Klinkerhoffen: My patience has been tried to ze limit! Ve must show zese Froggy upstarts who are the masters! (Bertorelli waves his hands by the sides of his head in a "bighead" gesture, then twirls a finger around his ear and points at the General while grinning)
    Gruber: General, in your absence, ze Colonel has been abducted, and is at zis very moment sitting on a bomb vith Herr Flick and his little assistant, von Smallhausen. Ze Resistance sent us a note saying zat if you proceed vith your plan, zey vill explode all three of them.
    von Klinkerhoffen: Vhat is the life of one Colonel and a couple of Gestapo officers compared to keeping law and order? And subjugating zese terrorists zat call zemselves Resistance! The victorious German army has svept across Europe, crushing everything in its path! Are ve to allow zese people to cock snooksies at us!? (Bertorelli holds up a bunch of bananas, grins, and points at von Klinkerhoffen) And, if the price of final victory is the life of a Colonel and a couple of Gestapo officers, SO BE IT!!
    von Flockenstuffen: ... yes, er, Piggy, old boy, vhen vas the last time you had a holiday?
    von Klinkerhoffen: (brightens) Baden-Baden, '38. You vere both there! Ve vent for a fancy dress ball at ze baths! I vent as Attila ze Hun! (cackles)
    von Flockenstuffen: (picks up the telephone) Get me the military hospital. Fruitcake department!
  • In "The Long-Distance Duck", Edith dons a series of disguises to hide from Denise Laroque, who is out for blood after the failure of her attempt to marry René. Her disguise as her own mother is funny enough, but funnier still is when she shows up wearing a false beard to deliver the long-distance duck intended to fly the invasion plans to England.
    René: (notices something off-screen; horrified) Oh my God, what is this!?
    Edith: (entering the café in a Paper-Thin Disguise and carrying a basket) Ducks! Ducks! Who will buy my ducks? Who will buy a duck from an old duck seller?
    René: (rolls eyes and guides Edith to the bar) Come over here by the bar, old, badly-disguised duck seller.
    Edith: Ducks! Who will buy my ducks-
    René: Shut up!
    Edith: Psst! It is I, Leclerc! (raises her glasses)
    Leclerc: (stands up from behind the bar) Hey! What is your game!? It is I, Leclerc! (raises his glasses)
  • A joke that still resonates today: Flick shows von Smallhausen the latest portable Gestapo radio set, which fits in a small suitcase.
    von Smallhausen: [picking it up] It is very light, Herr Flick.
    Flick: It is ze latest model. [beat] Bring also ze batteries.
    [He indicates a second, much larger and heavier suitcase.]
  • Flick and Helga are having a tiff, and he attempts to make amends.
    Flick: Perhaps you will melt when I read you this poem.
    "I love you more than words can say
    From your head down to your toes
    I am lost for words to show my love
    So please accept this rose."
    (hands her a fish in a newspaper)
    Helga: (beat) That is a dead cod.
    Flick: Roses are out of season.
  • The look on Edith's face when, during an attempt to woo her, Von Strohm and Geering actually applaud her when she finishes singing. It's a combination of confusion, disbelief, surprise and joy all rolled into a couple of seconds of close up, and she immediately makes a beeline for them.


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