Corrupt-a-wish.

Granted. You have the powers of self-awareness and to float one planck length off the ground—so long as you're putting one foot in front of the other and maintaining proper balance. You're still free and very much human of course.

I wish healthy food was more addictive than junk food.

Granted. Humans get ultra addicted to this new, hot drug everyone's doing: healthy foods. Supermarkets sell out of produce and the entire diet section becomes a barren wasteland. Vegans get even more annoying, since they're now basically the neighborhood meth addicts. People get into drug wars over who controls the world's carrot farms and rainforest logging increases due to increased demand for free-range livestock and more farms. Deaths due to vitamin poisoning skyrocket and millions are laid off as failing fast food chains go out of business. People forget basic needs such as using the bathroom or that thing that tells you when you're full, instead stuffing themselves with pounds upon pounds of kale and protein shakes.

I wish my cat wasn't a Tsundere. Or a Yandere.

Granted, your cat is a Kuudere.

I wish Eri Kitamura would voice an incredibly cute cat.

Eri Kitamura voices an incredibly cute cat...who gets killed in an incredibly horrific manner in the first 5 minutes of the show. T-T

I wish for a working copy of Beautiful Katamari.

You don't have any console that can run the game.

I wish for a paperclip.

You get one. It works. It is a perfectly adequate paper clip. And while you are using it to corral loose papers, you get a papercut under your fingernail.

I wish my workplace would do "Bring Your Dog To Work Day."

Granted, it becomes a Kick the Dog moment as your boss kicks your dog to death.

I wish the Abyss Watchers are cute girls.

Granted, but they don't stay cute for long.

• This is Dark Souls.

I wish that carbonated/fermented beverages never go flat.

Granted—they don't go flat, even when they're in your body. Have fun pissing out fizzy, bubbly, carbonated urine!

I wish Undyne were my personal trainer, and helped me get jacked until I, too, could suplex a boulder.

Granted, she trains you every way she learned from Kenichi The Mightiest Disciple... and for your final test you have to face the human child (No Mercy!) Happy trails!

I wish this year featured blockbuster horror movies that don't rely on the "heroes" being glued to the idiot ball.

edited 25th Apr '17 8:28:55 PM by CenturyEye

Granted, they're incredibly smart, taking all the tension out as they effortlessly find solutions.

I wish everyone on earth to be in perfect health.

Granted, then the earth explodes.

I wish I can own a pet Crossbreed Priscilla.

Granted. However, as she is a sentient being who's existence is not defined by another that is capable of making her own decisions, she simply rejects your completely arbitrary and non-objective definition of her as a "pet", and walks away. As she is far larger than you are and possesses the power of Lifehunt, you stand absolutely no chance of preventing her from departing.

I wish that I had twenty dollars of legitimate American currency and no unforeseen circumstances would arise from my possession or spending of the money.

edited 27th Apr '17 7:21:39 PM by PastryPerson

Yeah, but as soon as you get the $20, it flies out of your hands and lands in the parking lot of an acid-manufacturing plant, where a truck had just accidentally spilled a generous amount of hydrochloric acid. Oh, and the money lands riiiight in the acid puddle.

I wish I could get a T-shirt for less than $50.

edited 27th Apr '17 7:49:53 AM by ActualBeatrice

Granted, everything else costs over $9000.

I wish I can own a pet Miki Sayaka.

Granted, she's also blind, giant and has been visibly crossed with a creeper. Better not get too close. And God help your house. She could explode with a bit of prodding.

I wish for a Robot Buddy. It doesn't have to be humanoid, just a robot and a buddy.

edited 27th Apr '17 10:34:31 AM by StarAndroidJaguar

Granted, but your new robot will end up becoming abusive to you so much he'll explode.

I wish the Writers Guild of America would hire replacements for TV shows if they go on strike.

Granted. The replacements are all twelve-year-old fanfic writers who introduce Mary Sue Author Avatar characters into all the movies and shows they write.

I wish no one on this thread would wish to own their waifus as pets.

Granted. They now wish to own actual people as pets.

I wish for a nice gift, just any old nice gift.

Granted. You get a nice gift: "nice", in this context, meaning what it meant a few hundred years ago. See, originally, the word "nice" meant foolish, ignorant or idiotic, and it's only relatively recently that the word became synonymous with "pleasant".

You got a dumb gift, is what I'm trying to say.

I wish I could beatbox.

Granted, here's your box. Now go beat it up.

I wish to have useful magic.

Granted! Tough to grant that wish we kinda . . . hand to . . sell your soul to the legions of hell . . . . sorry.

I wish i was a superhero ala kickass.

You are a superhero. You don't have superpowers. You don't need them! You rely on wits, cunning, and Good Old Fisticuffs to defeat villains. But then the supervillains show up, and they DO have superpowers...

I wish to go back in time and refrain from slamming my finger in the door. That hurt. :(

Granted. You slam your head instead. You don't feel anything after though...

I wish to be the first King of Mars (a settled Mars)

Granted, you are now Orga Itsuka and you die horribly.

I wish I can have a mermaid sashimi.