''I always knew police were evil. I knew it! I had a feeling."
And the good guys are the auto-bots and they kick ass and one of them's a hummer I'm totally buying a hummer today.
"Immediately a pool of disappointing memories came flooding back to me and I just knew I had to watch this stinker again."
Huey, Dewey, and Louie: Just believe in yourself!
Critic: Well I don't-
Miss Piggy: We care about you!
Critic: Maybe I'm being too harsh on this special. After all, they are trying to get across a very moral lesson.
ALF: Drugs aren't your pal, pal. They're your enemy.
Critic: A very sound point. Any objections?
Ghost: But I make him feel good.
: He's got me there. [starts smoking]
— reviewing the drug special.
"Good God, I just pissed myself! That is the scariest thing in my entire life!"
"I apologize from everyone in America. I deeply deeply apologize I mean my brain sometimes dies on me. Stupid white American, haha don't know anything. J-just don't, uh, don't..." *runs the fuck away*
— Upon insulting a guy in a kilt.
"So when we heard they were actually making a live action movie based on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, we proudly pissed our pants with joy, shit ourselves with excitement, vomited up vast amounts of excrement, shit on it, rolled around in it, put it back in our mouths and proceeded to vomit it up again
in roaring anticipation. ...okay maybe only I did that.
"You know... I'm starting to realize these movies aren't the masterpieces that I remember them to be.
"I used to have a Ninja Turtle doll... that I shot
"But not today. Today, seeing as it's Halloween, I'm going to stand up for myself, gonna confront my fears and I'm gonna watch this scene all the way through." [he doesn't manage it]
— Critic, the Top Eleven Scariest Moments.
"But luckily all that violence and gore had no disturbing side-effects on our decent childhoods
*shoots his gun while drinking from a skull*
"I'm sorry, I have to do that every twelve minutes.
"And as both you and I know, there is
no comparison. I am by far the greater talent."
— Critic, first AVGN rant.
"I can't do it! I can't make fun of Sesame Street, it's the first show I ever saw! I'm sorry about the gay joke, Bert and Ernie, whatever your sexual preference is is none of my business. I'm sorry, Big Bird! I'm sorry everybody! *cries* I love you all! You're all so beautiful and innocent to me! YOU! ARE! CHILDHOOD!
"When you're a kid all you can think about is being in high school. When you're in high school all you can think about is being in college. When you're in college all you can think about is being an adult. And when you're an adult all you can think about is being a kid again. LIFE FUCKING SUCKS!"
"I'll do anything! Shave your back, do your taxes, prostitute myself for money! Just please not another song!"
"It's vague, it's confusing, and it's just a mess. Much like my sex life. Erm, I mean, uh... did I say that out loud? I, uh.."
*uses a neuralizer on the audience* "And that's why I'm the greatest lover ever!"
"And let me tell you something. That tie? Never
— Spoony, SWS2
"I had issues."
— Critic, Old vs. New: Willy Wonka
"Please! Anything but this! I can't do it! I can't do it!"
*all the Star Wars
characters laughing at him*
[talking about his earlier self] "It's hard to believe that such a handsome man could become even handso- handsom- hands- prettier."
"Ah yes, I remember when my old boss used to come down to my old company and spontaneously offer vice-presidency to one of the lower class. Unfortunately I didn't get it. But I showed him."
*shows the I QUIT shirtless bit*
"It's like trying to save a sinking ship with a bandaid. Anything I try to do would be completely pointless.
"Linkara": (actually Critic pretending to be Linkara) Hello, I'm Linkara, and I totally fucked up. Sorry, I feel like an ass.
Critic: Oh, Linkara, there's no need to be so hard on yourself.
Critic: (pleased and a little bit hopeful) Oh Linkara, are you saying I'm so physically attractive that I'm turning you gay right now?
"Linkara": Yes. Yes I am.
Critic: Well I just don't know what to say. I mean I'm just speechless.
"Linkara": Bat credit card.
"What the hell was I thinking? I'm really having trouble with stuff Dora The Explorer can figure out?"
Critic, Top Next Nostalgia Critic Fuck-Ups
"In fact, I'm gonna call the director right now and find out! [calls] Hi, this is the Nostalgia Critic and I wanna know what the hell you were thinking of with the ending of My Pet Monster. In fact, what the hell were you thinking with the entire movie in general? [beat] Well... I don't know what I was expecting, I mean... [beat] Yeah, yeah, I saw the cover and I- I still rented it- and I watched it willingly. [beat, starts getting more embarrassed] No, I'm not babysitting anybody I uh- [beat] I'm twenty eight. [beat] W-well it's kinda my job. [beat] Yeah, I watch children's programming and tell people what I think online. [beat] I'm very happy that you pity me. [beat] Yeah, we're done! We're done. Just, uh, thank you for your time and I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you. Okay. Bye."
— Critic, My Pet Monster
But I never intended all this bullshit, never,
And nobody really understood,
Well, how could they?
That all I wanted to was to bring something great,
Why does nothing ever turn out like it should?
Well, what the heck, I went and did my best,
And my God, I really tasted something swell,
And for a moment, why, I made directors cry,
And at least I told them they could go to hell, I did.
And for the first time since, I don't remember when,
I just felt like my critical self again.
And I no- stalgia Critic...
That's right... I AM THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! Ha-ha-ha!
And I just can't wait until my next review,
'Cos I got some new ideas, that I'd really like to do,
And my God, I'm really gonna give it all my might
...uh oh, I hope there's still time to set things right.
— Poor Critic
"I may be pathetic, but I'm proud."
— Critic, after a breakdown.
"I'm a glutton for fucking punishment."
: Critic, I knew you would blow me off after that last phone call, so I set a time bomb in your house before it was built. Clever me. But don't worry, it's set to go off in exactly fifty seconds. You'd better run, big boy.
Critic: [quickly] I remember it so you don't have to.
: [while Critic tries to run] One, two, skip a few, fifty.
"Okay, was I born a chick? Cos I even knew what these things were at that age. Just cos we're boys doesn't mean we're frigging morons."
"I'm sorry, is this how white people act? I mean, I'm white and I'm incredibly confused."
"Yeah, I remember the last time I said this is the nineties, old man to my Dad..."
[shakily and looking traumatized] "i-it really was the last time."
"Um, hello everyone, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Uh, they allowed me a short amount of time out of the internet state penitentiary. A- a little surprised to see that place actually existed, but it's apparently next to the State Home For The Ugly. So, uh, they allowed me a short time out to answer your questions about the video I did last week."
: How does it feel to be responsible for the absolute worst Let's Play
to ever be put on the internet?
Critic: Bad. Definitely, uh, bad, but hopefully I can make some more funny videos and move on.
: I had a robber break into my house, kill my wife and eat my children. He's not as bad as you.
Critic: ...thank you for that. And I'm very sorry for your loss.
Man: Don't give me your pity.
"And it's not like my need to please the masses is going to affect my opinion in any conceivable way! I'm just going to praise it for the fantastic family romp that it is. ...really."
"Now in any other movie I'd say these two were as strongly constructed as a bomb shelter made out of Popsicle sticks, but in this movie it works because... I really want you to like me right now."
"And that's all I've gotta say about that. There, have I restored anything in your guys's eyes?"
Save me, Corporate America!
Critic: I hoped you learned your lesson.
Critic: Do you want to go back to the corner?
That Sci Fi Guy
Critic: Remember? Every single time you thought you were done with it, you came up with something better. When you had time to think, time to focus, time to put that extra effort into it. But you had anniversary movies, conventions, other shows, your own life to live. All while trying to write, act and edit a 20 minute video every single week. Face it buddy, you weren't done yet. You just. Hit. Burnout.
Doug Walker: I'm not going back.
Yeah? Then why don't you just make me go away?
[Doug instantly switches him off]
— The Review Must Go On
: By having grown-up humor
, we make it more adult. By modernising the dialogue, we make it more timeless. And by changing the source material, we show how much we want to make it even better.
Critic: No! Every single thing you said, you got backwards. By having grown-up humor, you make it more childish. By modernising the dialogue, you make it more dated. And by changing the source material, you show how much you don't respect what's already perfect! I'm not going to act like everything Seuss wrote was a masterpiece, but when he got it right, he got it right. They don't need to be updated, they don't need to be fixed. They don't even really need to have movies made about them. But if you're going to do it, the very least you can do is understand the source material.
Peter Soulless: Well, of course I understand the source material. They're just simple kids' books.
No. They're not just simple kids' books. They're stories that we're continuing to read even today. They're stories that we remember years later, even when other stories fade from our memory. They're stories we will never forget, and for good reason. They're stories that helped shaped our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings, and endearing morals. And the idea of this
shaping somebody's childhood, the fact that it even has the same name
just makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe these "simple kids' books" are far more adult than you give them credit for. And I guarantee that'll show when years later, both children and adults will still be reading these "simple kids' books", while pandering bullshit disappears from peoples' consciousness, also for good reason. Good art doesn't come from focus groups and statistics. It comes from people who share how they see things in their own unique way.
Evilina: Critic, I think I like your book better than I like the movie.
So do I, kiddo. So do I.
"And the absolute biggest dumbass in distress is... BELLA. From Twilight
. This has to be the most selfish, male-dependent, uncaring, manipulative, self-centered, pretentious, idiotic, whining little bitch-bag you will ever see in your entire life
! And honestly... that wouldn't be too bad a character, that'd be very, very interesting—IF IT WAS INTENTIONAL!
But it's not. Bella is supposed to represent the everyday teenage girl. If that's the case, the story really got mixed up who the blood-sucking monster
is! She thinks she's tortured, even though really she has no problems. She gets a crush on a boy, and decides she wants to marry him, even though she's not even out of high school yet. She wants to be turned into a vampire, which everyone has said is throwing her life away. But of course, at the enlightening age of 17, she already knows exactly what she wants!
Aren't you glad you
followed through with every bright idea you had at 17? Aren't you glad you totally committed to something you knew you could never make a mistake on at that age? Oh yeah, 17! Nobody ever fucks up at that age!
The boyfriend tries to leave her so he can save her, but she constantly throws herself off cliffs and throws herself in danger... just so he can notice her.
GOOD. FUCKING. GOD. That's right girls, if your boyfriend leaves you, do this! (cut to Bella jumping off a cliff)
I assure you it won't backfire in the least. Sure you might be dead
, but that'll teach him! She then gets another boy involved, who actually seems supportive and
attentive, but she dumps him because the other guy looks at her weird. And by God, how can she turn down a boy with no personality that just looks at her weird? Again, one of those brilliant
choices you make at 17. So now, a whole war is going on—all because of her.
And everyone's going out of her way to try and protect her, and she's simply like, "Yeah, that's cool.
" Oh, wait, she does try to say once that she's not worth it, but that only lasts a few seconds. She then realizes that she is
worth it, and is totally on board with having muscle boys carry her around everywhere! And just as her boyfriend finally
agrees to marry her (imagine, a boy being pressured into marriage), she dicks around with the other guy
'. Oh my God. I mean... OH. MY. GOD. I have never
seen a character more needy and more insecure. She's such
a dumbass in distress, that it's actually kinda scary. She is a scary character.
In another dimension, maybe she could've been a great Shakespeare villain, this really developed, complex, psychotic mind. But as the everyday, relatable girl that we're all supposed to identify with? She is, and always shall be, the biggest dumbass in distress.
Critic, Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress
"Wow, apparently there is an exact term for it. Apparently it's called Justification Experimentation Serving Unusual Sexuality, or in abbreviated terms... J.E.S.U.S.!!"
Critic, Small Soldiers review
"Here we go 'round the idiot stop/It's loaded with fops, whose IQ's have dropped/I think you'll need some peppermint Schnapps/To get through this damn movie."
Critic!trucks, Maximum Overdrive review
"Every minute this movie plays, a snowman is hair-drying himself to death."