Quotes: Rated M for Manly

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    Anime and Manga 

Banchou. When I was young, they were honorable men. Today that meaning is obsolete. They will silently extend a hand out for the weak. They will fight to the very end, even if there were a hundred, a thousand opponents, they will stand firm against them. An honorable man who protects their companions... "BANCHOU", a man among men.
— A Yakuza lieutenant, from Kongoh Bancho, one of the manliest manga ever made.

If the strength of your equipment isn't strong enough, then compensate for it with the strength of your arm! That is the way a true man lives!
Kogarashi, Kamen no Maid Guy


There was a stony, painful noise as Hamilton gritted his teeth, shaking his head. “I do not stand alone. Mun, you may speak for the empire and the heavens. But my words,” he said, forcing himself up, despite the onus of his chains, “are backed with hot blood!” An aurora of scarlet light burst forth from Hamilton’s breast, blinding his divine foe. He pushed his shackled arms forward, plunging them into the stream of light. “And MANLY! FIGHTING! SPIRIT!”


Heaven loves ya, the clouds part for ya
Nothing stands in your way
When you're a boy
Clothes always fit ya
Life is a pop of the cherry
When you're a boy"
—"Boys Keep Swinging", David Bowie

    Film — Live-Action 

We are men, thou and I.
Henry Rider Haggard, King Solomon's Mines


Hither came Conan the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandalled feet.
"The Phoenix on the Sword," Robert E. Howard

    Web Original 

Lotta talk about that sniper picture in Hollywood this week, and I couldn’t be happier for my dear old friend, CLINT EASTWOOD! Dirty Harry himself! Old? YOU BET! Crazy? HOLY SHIT THE MAN SCARES EVERYONE WHO MEETS HIM. The one time I invited Clint over to Woodland, he didn’t touch any of the food or hookers or coke or hookers or free bowls of cash or hookers or stacks of municipal treasury bonds or signed JFK portraits or hookers at all! Instead, he went right up to my fireplace and pointed up at an old Winchester rifle that had been given to me by none other than Emilio Zapata! (I saved his life once! Long story, but it ends with him getting laid!)

“'That your rifle?’ Clint asks. Well, of course it was! Shiny? YOU BET. Loaded? OH I ALWAYS KEEP GUNS LOADED. More fun that way. So Clint grabs the rifle and starts talking to it. ‘Well, Louise, what do we think?’ he asked it, aiming the gun at every person in the house, ‘Can we trust them?’ Everyone got real quiet. HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GONNA KILL US ALL! ‘Yeah, they’re okay, Louise. But there’s one bad one, yeah… And I think it’s right over… HERE.’ BOOM! He fired the rifle right at a banana! Everyone screamed! Nicholson dropped his coke mirror! It was chaos! Then he walked over and picked up the smoking banana and handed it to me, and I saw the banana was brown and rotten.

’Took care of that one for ya,’ he said, and then he strolled out! I never saw him again! Last time I ever have the help buy bananas. Holy shit!

Get fucking fired up. No ... I mean it. Shoot yourself full of Toradol, get red in the face, and GET FIRED UP, GOD DAMMIT. You see this chair? (throws chair) I’M NOT LEAVING THIS STADIUM UNTIL BLOOD HAS BEEN SHED AND WE HAVE WALKED OUT OF THERE WITH ALL OF THE ENEMY’S GOLD AND WOMEN!
Drew Magary, "How to Give a Ball-Bursting Football Speech"

For those of you who don't know, Road House is an exceptionally homoerotic action film about a bouncer named Dalton (played by a perpetually-shirtless Patrick Swayze), a man so badass that he sews up his own knife wounds after tearing his opponent's throat out barehanded. Together with his bouncer mentor, a greasy-haired Sam Elliot, they battle the ascot-wearing villain and his flunkies who have a monster truck and far too-tight blue jeans. Dalton is a tortured hero and applies his philosophy degree to the art of ass-whoopin', spouting Zen philosophies to his disciples while teaching them how to be better bouncers. But really, the movie is about Patrick Swayze's oiled chest, because you spend 90% of the movie looking at it...
Noah Antwiler on Road House 2

There were only two men in this world that made me wish that my chromosomes were double X so we could get some triple X action going so I could bear their children, and those men were Hulk Hogan and Arnold Schwarzenegger. As a child, those two were the best role model one could ever wish for. Larger than life, fought off evil, killed by the thousands. Every Saturday my eyes would be glued to the television screen with as Hulkster would run wild in the afternoon, and Arnold would come on screen to terminate past bed time. Yes, just thinking back on it makes me feel ever more fertile already.

You don't read the books or watch the movies looking for surprise plot twists - this is comfort food for hard-drinking assholes who wish they were tough guys but wouldn't want to seriously risk their lives, and I reckon I'm probably one of those.

Drive Angry is Nic Cage mashed down into a projector and spunked all over the screen in big, glorious spurts of movie jizz. Drive Angry is exactly how I want my Nic Cage. With the grim reaper giving chase, Cage’s John Milton escapes from hell – in a car, because you can get there with a SatNav I guess – to stop his granddaughter from being sacrificed by a Satanic cult. You might as well stick this one in the documentary pile, cos it’s just a regular day for Nic Fucking Cage, and I suspect I blinked and missed the “Based on a true story...” title.

At no point does the movie take itself seriously, nor is it even apologetic. It knows exactly what it is and accelerates full steam into an hour and a half of blood, guts, sex, drinking, smoking, and chugging beer out of skulls.

Gruff, antisocial loners who smoke, fight, and defy the authorities... It’s the definition of badass. As for that overwhelming demand, Kojima was kind enough to give people what they wanted. Here you can see one of the bonus features, where players get to control Cyborg Ninja, giving the fanboys a raging Solid Snake in their pants.
Terry Wolf, "The Selfish Meme"

This is a man who has crippled dozens of offensive linemen and starred in three movies that have the N-word right in their titles... Fred Williamson could kick your ass so hard that nine months after you die, your wife would give birth to his foot. Full-powered Fred Williamson attacks are the second ingredient in Taco Bell ground beef... If Fred Williamson made John Carter, it would have been called Spaceman Brown: Chocolate Motherfucker, and it would have turned a $250 million profit.

Sitting there watching Jon and Ponch tooling around on their tricked-out KZ1000 rigs, their gladiator-gold helmets shining in the blazing California sun, their toreador-tight jodhpurs competing with their skin-snug uniform shirts for just a millimeter of breathing space, I realized these Olympian West Coast Sun Gods of the Forever Spinning Firestones were providing thrills, spills, disco dance moves, handy driving tips, and some questionable after-hours wardrobe choices, in epic, Biblical proportions... Jon then gets invited to a disco dance contest by a beautiful blonde car dealer, who also has tickets for Ponch, who shows up and blows everybody away with a solo number right out of Saturday Night Fever, finishing up just in time to deliver a baby, right on the dance room floor. Read over that plot description again, and tell me if CHiPs isn't the Citizen Kane of network TV?
Paul Mavis, "I Have Seen the Light, and it is CHiPs"

The next bit, though, is completely original to the show...this dude hangs up the phone, opens up the dumbwaiter, and GETS HIS STERNUM BUSTED TO HELL by Wolverine coming out holding a bottle by the neck. Wolverine then walks over to the dude, looks at the bottle, says 'Lousy year' and then drops it right on his junk. Then he casually grabs a turkey leg on his way up to go murder people. It is... the best thing.
Comics Alliance on X-Men, "The Inner Circle"

Some rooms have hidden exits that'll lead you to secret rooms full of goodies. You'll need to discover all of these, as well as pick up the keys that spawn in the game every so often, to earn access to the Pleasure Dome. And what is the Pleasure Dome, you may ask? Well, it's a secret room where the floor cycles through a bunch of retina-burning colors, while bikini-clad women can be collected like the cash and gold bars you've been picking up throughout the game. Totally worth it.
Hardcore Gaming 101 on Smash TV

The Space Marines don't have a cover button, for the same reason they carry guns instead of white flags made of frilly lace panties. Health recovery is via execution — if you take a second to kill an enemy with a particularly brutal move, you recover health. That's badassery as a core gameplay mechanic. When you're about to die, your impulse reaction becomes 'diving at the enemy to destroy as many as possible' and 'wondering why that's not always the case.' It's made very clear that if you ever have full health, you're not doing it right.

I'd swoop down from on high, machine gunning racists, then jump off and kick the last survivor off the ledge and feel like Errol fucking Flynn. I was almost afraid of landing, in case I got bounced away on balls like a couple of hairy space hoppers.

Sorry, Marilyn Manson: this is the guy I want to be when I grow up. SURE I'm well-adjusted. ...—hey, wait. It says here in the game's instruction booklet that Cloud's supposed to be twenty-one years old. Well, damn it. He's younger than me and he's already managed to blow up more crap, save more planets, ride on more airships, hijack more submarines, race more chocobos, fly more rockets into outer space, and bang Tifa more than I ever will in my entire life. I haven't felt this inadequate since finding out Gene Starwind is supposed to be nineteen.

And on the day Masaaki Endoh was born, the heavens rained holy fire of manliness and guitars. Jesus himself down and proclaimed that he was the Christ of Manliness, here to bring the coming age of Manly to the world as the second son of our lord, as the human son of God himself, no middleman. Here he is, teaching us the ways of the Book of Man, which he wrote himself in the year 2012 as he kicked away the meteorite that was goin to kill us all. WE MUST LEARN FROM HIM! MASAAKI MOTHER FUCKING ENDOH!!!

"It is said that there are two things ubiquitous in the Imperial Guard: the standard pattern lasgun, and a pair of steel balls."
Anonymous poster on 4Chan's Traditional Games board

    Web Video 

Indiana Jones is the epitome of what all men strive to be. He's handsome, he's intelligent, he's single, sleeps around, he's got cash, he punches people, he travels the world, he can sleep with any of his students, he uses a whip, he punches people, he bangs his students in the locker room, women love him, he goes on adventures, he punches people, he can shoot people and get away with it, and so on!

I can't even really say this is So Bad, It's Good; it's actually just—just kinda great.

Blade is singing karaoke. They get him up there to sing karaoke while his blind friend plays the keyboard (of course). And during this karaoke song, the girlfriend is kidnapped by Machete's goons.

So Blade goes to fight them and retrieves his friend... while still singing the karaoke song.
Allison Pregler on Kindergarten Ninja

OOC: Uh, Jay, tell us why you like Blackman?
Jay: a) Because he's great, and b) well I don't even need a b) 'cause the a) was so great!
V1: You can't even argue with that.
Jay: I think he's cool. He's a white ninja. (I was gonna say MK3 Sub-Zero.) His complete lack of charisma means boundless charisma; just went so far down 0 that he's a 10.

Let me put it in perspective for you: Picard faced the Borg, and after it was done ruining his life, he stood in his office and drank Earl Grey.

Sisko faced the Borg and after it was done ruining his life, he fumed in an escape-pod — then went off to design a ship whose only purpose is to kill Borg. It's a set of guns strapped to an engine. Then he called it Defiant, a name that practically shakes its fist at the Borg. That was his second choice; Starfleet felt that the U.S.S. Ben Sisko's Muthafuckin Pimp Hand was too long.

Sir Ron, what brand of chainsaw do you use to brush your teeth?

Gabriel: Rip and tear. Yes. This is the game the Doom comic should've...
(zombies explodes into gibs, Gabriel moans in ecstasy)
Yahtzee: I don't even know what the hell I just did then.
Gabriel: You just stuffed a shotgun into his stomach, lifted him into the air, and then fuckin' shot it!

Predator. How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator! You look at the cover and think, 'Yeeeah. This game's gonna be awesome. This is a real man's game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur' — like me.

"Manime", that's the term. Like really, really, any anime that's just about, like, manly men fighting, and it's full of like, muscle, and testosterone. If there is girls in it, they are at least half-nude or they have ginormous knockers, they're badly drawn, and it's, uh, great. Manime. It's gotta be at least a little bit of, uh, y'know, sentimentality to the fights. Let's say that the protagonist and the villain have, like, a crying moment together, where they're like, "You are the best fighter ever", and it's like, "I know, Ryu", or "Kenryu-sama, we were brothers. You were my true opponent.", and they all like, cry, and they punch each others' heads off, while some eighties anime music's going on that sounds like American Rock, but it's full of like, Engrish, so it's just like "BURNING HOTTO! DEALING THE NIGHT TONIGHT! KAMINE SHINO SHIGA!". You know, it's Manime, I love shit like that.
Joel, Vinesauce

    Western Animation 
"(Be a man!)
We must be swift as the coursing river
(Be a man!)
With all the force of a great typhoon
(Be a man!)
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon"
-"I'll Make A Man Out Of You", Mulan

Animator: (rejecting a cartoon rabbit) Maybe something a bit more manly.
(He draws an overly muscular, Rambo-style rabbit.)
(The rabbit torches the drawing board with his flamethrower. The animator puts out the fire with his coffee.)
Animator: Never get him past the Parent-Teacher Association.

El Macho...He was ruthless! He was dangerous! And as the name implies...very macho! He had a reputation of pulling a heist using only his bare hands! Ah, but sadly, like all the greats, El Macho was gone too soon. He died in the most macho way possible: on a shark with 250,000 dynamites strapped to his chest, into the mouth of an active volcano! It was glorious!
Gru, Despicable Me 2

    Real Life 

They made it evident to every man, and to the king himself not the least, that humans beings are many but men are few.

On-screen he held so much authority so that he was not being ironic when he explained his theory of acting: 'Don't act. React.' John Wayne could react. Other actors had to strain the limits of their craft to hold the screen with him.

Most people are either too enthusiastic about manliness or too dismissive of it. They think that manliness is the only virtue, and all virtue, or they think it is the last stupid stereotype, soon to be as dead as a dodo. To study it well, the trick is not to get carried away to either extreme.
Manliness by Harvey Mansfield.