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Quotes: No OSHA Compliance

Fiction

"I've worked among the spinners, I've breathed in the oily smoke
I've shovelled up the gypsum and it nigh-on makes you choke
I've stood knee-deep in cyanide, gone sick with a caustic burn
Been working rough and seen enough to make your stomach turn"
—"The Chemical Worker's Song", Ron Angel

"Attention, maintenance and safety crews: you are fired. Before leaving, please make your workplace as unsafe as possible. With any luck, the trespasser will fall to his death... or be burned alive by flame jets... or crushed by giant pistons. Thank you for your understanding."

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

How come there are so many narrow bridges with no guard rails? (and variations)

Ah, a radioactive spill. Part of me wants to believe we're not this criminally incompetent, but I know better.

I don't know that I want to be going into the bowels of the earth, but then I don't see an emergency exit.

Oh what is this? Why is this thing shooting fire every couple of seconds? What is this thing even ‘sposed to do?! The fire doesn’t go anywhere. It’s just here to hurt people! God dammit Black Mesa!
Corporal Adrian Shephard, Shephard’s Mind

The Enrichment Center promises to always provide a safe testing environment. In dangerous testing environments, the Enrichment Center promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, the floor here will kill you. Try to avoid it.
GLaDOS, Portal

Why is so much of our science dangerous? I say why not marry safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out because you are fired!
Cave Johnson, Portal 2

To ensure that sufficient power remains for core testing protocols, all safety devices have been disabled. The Enrichment Center respects your right to have questions or concerns about this policy.
PA System, Portal 2

Imperial #1: So anyway, I says "Forget the dental plan, forget sick leave, I just want a railing! You know? One railing! Right here!"
Imperial #2: I know. I've almost fallen over that thing so many times.
Family Guy Presents: Laugh It Up, Fuzzball on the Death Star superlaser

We seem to be losing pressure on Level 17. Please hold your breath against the harsh vacuum of space until you pass out from oxygen starvation. After that, you won't care. Enjoy the ride!
Dr. Eggman, Sonic Colors

Sir Giant Pink Lizard, you're under arrest! As the owner of this boss-level castle, it's your obligation to make sure all platforms are fully accessible to disabled people!
You Only Live Once

Shepard: Not even a guard rail. I bet the Broker's agents love patrolling the hull.
Liara: At least the view is nice.
Mass Effect 2, Lair of the Shadow Broker

Dr. Archer: The first one is on a geth ship while the second is inside a lab in the middle of a lava river...
Shepard: You built a lab in the middle of a lava river?
Dr. Archer: We thought, "what could possibly go wrong"?

[A stereotypical Bond Villain is discussing having a rotating fireplace built for effect]
Builder: Look, mate, if you turn a wall with a burning fire in it, the "effect" you'll get is a room full of smoke. I can't rotate the chimney mate. It's down to health and safety.
Villain: (laughing) Forgive my levity, Mr. Cooch, but when you come to know me better you will learn that neither health nor safety are among my primary concerns.
Builder: Look, if you want to rotate this wall, here's what you need to do: fireplace decommissioned; yellow and black edging around all moving sections; clear, well lit signage stating "Warning. This Wall May Revolve"...

"How come they never put safety rails around these bottomless pits?"
"Health & Safety studies showed that more people were injured leaping over the rails waving light sabers."
Plan 7 of 9 from Outer Space by Odon

I'm gonna need a tetanus shot just looking at all this.
Doug Moreau, Parellity

On works

"So, you know, the lesson here is you should store your rocket fuel in good, sturdy containers. Did you really need us to tell you that?"

"Remember in the wonderful Star Trek parody Galaxy Quest when Jason and Gwen are exploring the ship and they come across a massive set of chompers in the heart of the craft that serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever but to create some false jeopardy? Doctor Who has flirted with the idea before (the giant fans in The End of World might have served a purpose…but boy they were ridicuously giant!) but never quite as obviously as the flagpoles that come shooting out of the wall in this story for no sensible purpose. Things were getting a little slow so it feels like they are there to toss another obstacle in the way, albeit one that has been given no thought as to its purpose."

"The epic steel factory fight is filled with deadly stunts. Jackie is attacked by glowing red-hot steel poles. Giant metal barrels are dropped centimeters from his dong, which may be confusing since that means 'Smith' in China. And then Jackie gets kicked onto a holy-shit-real pit of hot coals... Luckily, safety rails are for capitalists, so he only had to make a 10-inch jump to get to non-flaming land."

"This is like re-starting the Skynet program and putting HAL 9000 in charge of it. I mean, does no one see even the possibility of a problem of letting an artificial intelligence run a group of unquestioning/nearly indestructible killing machines? To top it all off, the base is sitting on a store of biological weaponry. So if anything did go wrong, there was no chance to bomb the base from the air, stopping the soldiers from rebelling. Too…stupid…for words…THE PAIN!!!"


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