Quotes: Fan Disservice

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    Film — Live-Action 

Alright, that's enough, Fat Bastard. As much as I like seeing Powers in agony (and I do), the thought of you naked is just gross.
Dr. Evil, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me


I Am Curious (Yellow) is not merely not erotic. It is anti-erotic. Two hours of this movie will drive thoughts of sex out of your mind for weeks. See the picture and buy twin beds.

    Video Games 

Maurice: Hey, hey, hey! Watch your language! This is radio, we have regulations about that sort of thing!
Jan: ...But you let a naked man on.
Maurice: Eh, he's behind a screen. You can't see him; He's not that exciting. Imagine a flabby guy with a pony tail and a nasty rash. You'll get the picture.
Jan: Imagine one? I married one.
Pressing Issues, GTA Radio

    Web Original 

Over the years, the term 'bad boy' has lost a lot of meaning. Any ill-tempered person with a fruity job like food criticism or cake decorating is called The Bad Boy of That Fanciful Activity. Tonya Harding, on the other hand, was a no-bullshit bad boy of figure skating. She was always late to competitions, couldn't keep a coach for more than three emotional breakdowns, and then there was that one time she involved herself in a lunatic plot to break her opponent's leg. After that, she released a sex tape of her wedding night that made the inventor of the camcorder say, 'Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.' This was actually the greatest accomplishment of Harding's career. Hospitals still use the Tonya Harding sex tape when they need to pump several stomachs at once.

I have stumbled upon some gross shit on the internet before, and I need to be sure I never see pics of Nicolas Cage’s Dicklaration of Indepeendance (alternate joke: Captain Corelli’s Peendolin)... And for the record, can you tell me the exact moment in your life where it all went wrong? I just want to make sure I never get to the point where naked pics of Nic Cage give me the vapors.
Michael K., "Things That Should Not Exist Ever: Nicolas Cage Sex Pics"

This particular sub plot is a heady mixture of bad acting, unintentionally creepy subtext, and just a general feeling of blech. It begins at the party, where Mary and Vincent meet up after having not seen each other for a long time. It turns out they’re cousins, making Mary’s rather flirty demeanor (as much as Sofia is capable of such a thing, at least) more than a little nauseating.

Yeah, there is the little matter of Vincent being illegitimate, but that doesn’t make it any less icky. It eventually escalates to an eye-roller of a seduction scene that involves Vincent showing Mary how to make gnocchi, and if you enjoy that particular dish as I do, never watch this sequence.

Louis Gossett is strutting around a table in way too tight Dockers shaking his ass back and forth like Shakira. And I looked. God help me, I looked. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. How could I not? His ass was right in the middle of the screen swinging back and forth like I was watching some weird table dance by Reginald Veljohnson. Part of me will never return.

The boobie prize has to go hands down to Mae West who at 77 years old was still playing the sex goddess who beds everyone. This is like when Tom Jones still thought he “had it” and released Sex Bomb as a single. No one bought it, and no one buys the Crypt keeper like West as some temptress. In fact the idea of her and Thomas Magnum getting it on makes me throw up a little in my mouth.
Miles Antwiler on Myra Breckinridge

This week: Magneto fully embraces Casual Fridays on Asteroid M… maybe a little too casual.
Chris Sims on ''X-Men, "Sanctuary, Part 1"

It has to be said that there is something remarkably kinky about the Master keeping Adric trapped within a webbing of metal torture devices; it's probably the closest to sado-machoistic bondage you get to enjoy in Doctor Who if that is what floats your boat. Some swear there is a scene where you can see Adric's stiffy...but, well...who would want to go looking for that?

No, the true Wrestlemania moments can’t be manufactured; they have to occur organically. Moments like Maria Menounos’s spray-tan skid mark.

That said, this isn’t the only time that Enteprise has brushed against the difficulty of making Star Trek seem “sexy.” From the decontamination sequences in "Broken Bow" through to Hoshi’s awkward shirtless scene in "Shockwave, Part II", the series has struggled to walk the line between “creepy” and “sexy.” It hasn’t been entirely successful, and Reed and Trip’s subplot "Two Days and Two Nights" pushes the show rather firmly into the “creepy” category once again...With that in mind, Reed’s entire trip to Risa with Trip could be seen as an attempt to keep up appearances, over-compensating somewhat.
Darren Mooney on Star Trek: Enterprise, "Two Days and Two Nights"

The Sins Past story began with a very simple, almost-sane concept: Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy had unprotected sex during their original relationship, which lead to Gwen secretly giving birth to fraternal twin children. Editorial disliked the notion of Peter Parker having fathered children out of wedlock, but were just fine with the idea provided the father was changed to the nefarious Norman Osborn. Also, it resulted in the following artwork being drawn, and I’m sure you’ll agree the entire world would’ve been better off without it ever existing.

Have you ever wanted to read a comic where Spider-Man’s kindly Aunt May and Uncle Ben just go at it over the course of one hot, horny summer? If you said yes, then thanks for reading [this article] Mark Millar, because you are the only one.

At last, on February 22, 1999, the world's fate was sealed. A sight is witnessed on this date that is so disgusting that any human being who witnesses it would immediately lose any trace of sanity. Bess was seen naked.
N106, Bad Webcomics Wiki

    Web Video 

"Wiggle" is one of those insta-bad songs that everyone everwhere knows exactly where they were the first time they heard it. This is legitimately the worst song about ass ever made. Yes. Worse than "My Humps". The king has been dethroned. There was a time when I was blessedly ignorant about what to do with that big fat butt, but those days are over.
Todd in the Shadows on Jason Derulo's "Wiggle" ("Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2014")

AWW! Aww, no— no. No fringe coming out of the butt. That's... (sigh) that's just unfortunate.

YOU ARE A NIGHTMARE MADE FLESH! You have passed 'Coyote Ugly' and have entered into some Twilight Realm beyond! If a man woke up in bed with you, he would happily chew through his own neck! No no no no no, don't give me that, he would find a way!
SFDebris on post-op transsexual Quark, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine ("Profit and Lace")

Not sure who's brilliant plan this was, but talk about awkward. This is the famous Uhura dance scene....The moon is indeed a window to heaven. Does heaven mean 'nightmare'? 'Cause I mean nightmare. Jesus Christ, this scene is like finding out Freddy Krueger is gonna be your urologist.

Remember the good times of La-Mulana. The laughs, the cries, the experiences of a wonderful adventure game before it went freaking berserk and showed me wearing a skimpy swimsuit and I got made fun of by Duracuets. What a... what a lame thing to do.

"Never thought I'd say this, but...this scene involving a nude Kirsten Dunst being bathed by another woman is the least erotic thing I've ever seen."
Kyle Kallgren, on Melancholia note 

    Real Life 

I don't do horror films.
James Garner, asked if he would ever shoot a nude scene

The crew was convulsed with laughter, and they kept showing each other cigarette stubs and winking as they did so, as if to say that was the size of my skittle. Camera crews are renowned for their unkindness in these matters.
Tom Baker on the making of The Canterbury Tales (1972)

"I've always wanted to see Serge Lifar. Now I have. And it's all true..."
"What is true?"
"He is every bit as bad—no, dreadful—as I've always heard." Even I could tell that the flabby-buttocked man onstage was, if not bad, oddly repellant as he struck his poses. Year later, Nureyev said that when he was in charge of the Paris Opera Ballet, his most difficult task was to exorcise the malign ghost of Lifar.
Gore Vidal, Palimpsest

You didn't have to drop your boxers just to show us that.
Lyra Heartstrings (Friendship Is Magic) in response to Nyx posting a pic of his hairy legs, Bronyism And Bronies Germany