"Alright, that's enough, Fat Bastard. As much as I like seeing Powers in agony (and I do), the thought of you naked is just gross."
— Dr. Evil, Austin Powers
"I've always wanted to see Serge Lifar. Now I have. And it's all true..."
"What is true?"
"He is every bit as bad—no, dreadful—as I've always heard." Even I could tell that the flabby-buttocked man onstage was, if not bad, oddly repellant as he struck his poses. Year later, Nureyev said that when he was in charge of the Paris Opera Ballet, his most difficult task was to exorcise the malign ghost of Lifar.
— Gore Vidal, Palimpsest
"I Am Curious (Yellow) is not merely not erotic. It is anti-erotic. Two hours of this movie will drive thoughts of sex out of your mind for weeks. See the picture and buy twin beds."
"I'd like to say this is where a big chunk of the $20 million budget went, but I'm pretty sure (David) Carradine did the movie for free, just so he could show off his ancient nakedness."
"Louis Gossett is strutting around a table in way too tight Dockers shaking his ass back and forth like Shakira. And I looked. God help me, I looked. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. How could I not? His ass was right in the middle of the screen swinging back and forth like I was watching some weird table dance by Reginald Veljohnson. Part of me will never return."
"The boobie prize has to go hands down to Mae West who at 77 years old was still playing the sex goddess who beds everyone. This is like when Tom Jones still thought he “had it” and released Sex Bomb as a single. No one bought it, and no one buys the Crypt keeper like West as some temptress. In fact the idea of her and Thomas Magnum getting it on makes me throw up a little in my mouth."
"Over the years, the term 'bad boy' has lost a lot of meaning. Any ill-tempered person with a fruity job like food criticism or cake decorating is called The Bad Boy of That Fanciful Activity. Tonya Harding, on the other hand, was a no-bullshit bad boy of figure skating. She was always late to competitions, couldn't keep a coach for more than three emotional breakdowns, and then there was that one time she involved herself in a lunatic plot to break her opponent's leg. After that, she released a sex tape of her wedding night that made the inventor of the camcorder say, 'Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.' This was actually the greatest accomplishment of Harding's career. Hospitals still use the Tonya Harding sex tape when they need to pump several stomachs at once."
"This week: Magneto fully embraces Casual Fridays on Asteroid M… maybe a little too casual."
"AWW! Aww, no— no. No fringe coming out of the butt. That's... (sigh) that's just unfortunate."
"No, the true Wrestlemania moments can’t be manufactured; they have to occur organically. Moments like Maria Menounos’s spray-tan skid mark."
"YOU ARE A NIGHTMARE MADE FLESH! You have passed 'Coyote Ugly' and have entered into some Twilight Realm beyond! If a man woke up in bed with you, he would happily chew through his own neck! No no no no no, don't give me that, he would find a way!"
"Not sure who's brilliant plan this was, but talk about awkward. This is the famous Uhura dance scene....The moon is indeed a window to heaven. Does heaven mean 'nightmare'? 'Cause I mean nightmare. Jesus Christ, this scene is like finding out Freddy Krueger is gonna be your urologist."
"The Sins Past story began with a very simple, almost-sane concept: Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy had unprotected sex during their original relationship, which lead to Gwen secretly giving birth to fraternal twin children. Editorial disliked the notion of Peter Parker having fathered children out of wedlock, but were just fine with the idea provided the father was changed to the nefarious Norman Osborn. Also, it resulted in the following artwork being drawn, and I’m sure you’ll agree the entire world would’ve been better off without it ever existing."
"Remember the good times of La-Mulana. The laughs, the cries, the experiences of a wonderful adventure game before it went freaking berserk and showed me wearing a skimpy swimsuit and I got made fun of by Duracuets. What a... what a lame thing to do."
"You didn't have to drop your boxers just to show us that."