"I HAVE NO LASERS, AND I WILL LASER TO DEATH ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE."
Sometimes the truth hurts. In these situations, I recommend lying.
(In the middle of having sex)
Paul: You don't use condoms?
Marcy: Don't worry. I'm healthy!
Cue camera angle change to show ominous rashes appearing on Marcy's back where Paul's hands are dragging over her.
"Please excuse Calvin from class today. His genius is urgently required on a top secret matter of national security. Sincerely, The President. P.S. Really.
—A letter given to Mrs. Wormwood in Calvin and Hobbes
"Anyone see what happened?"
"Of course not. They were all in the bathroom at the time."
Light (to Ryuk): No one is listening to you, Ryuk.
Sayu: What does Ryuk mean?
Light: Uh, It's my new name for you. It means Ke$ha in Japanese.
If you saw a bullet hit a bird and he told you he wasn't shot, you might weep at his courtesy, but you would certainly doubt his word.
Maura: Hey, babe. Where've you been?
Clango: Nowhere! I briefly ceased to exist in time and space!
Maura: That doesn't sound suspicious at all.
I'm making you a sales engineer, you'll be paid on commission. When our sales reps lie, it will be your job to make it look like the truth.
Try to avoid facts.
Dilbert: Why have you ignored my request, Ted?
Co-worker: I was killed by a squadron of giant military squirrels.
Wally: He doesn't respect you enough to tell a plausible lie.
Dilbert: I demand a plausible lie!
Co-worker: Okay, maybe I wasn't killed by giant military squirrels. But I was imprisoned in their secret lair at the center of the earth.
Wally: You can't prove that one either way.
Dilbert: He did say it was a "secret" lair.
I'll just go in this police box and arrest myself.
—The Doctor, (whose spaceship resembles a police box) Doctor Who
The Doctor: I don't suppose you've completely ignored my instructions and secretly prepared any Nitro-9, have you?
Ace: What if I had?
The Doctor: Naturally, you wouldn't do anything so insanely dangerous as to carry it around with you, would you?
Ace: Of course not. I'm a good girl, I do what I'm told.
The Doctor: Excellent. Blow up that vehicle.
Ace: *delighted grin*
Doctor Who: "Silver Nemesis"
It was a difficult time. I did all that I could to protect my House and then other members of Court in attendance. More's the pity that I could not save that usurping, traitorous bitch.
—Lara Raith, in one of her blunter moments, The Dresden Files - White Night
Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency, I thought you'd left!
Chicolini: Oh no, I no leave.
Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes!
Chicolini: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?
Dougal: Why didn't you lie to him?
Ted: I did! I told him great big massive lies with feckin' bells hanging off them!
—Father Ted, "Entertaining Father Stone"
(Antimony and Reynardine approach door, Antimony is wearing a headband with attached antennae.)
Antimony: Hello. I would like to enter, please.
Doorbot: Robots onl... what's that on your head?
Antimony: These are my antennas, because I am clearly a robot.
Doorbot: Oh! Well... it's true that some robots have antennas... hmm...
Antimony: Also, robots never lie.
Doorbot: Hey, you're right! Come on in, friends!
Antimony: We are looking for a particular robot. A... fellow robot. Because we are also robots.
Doorbot: Administration is right down that way.
Reynardine: Your powers of deception and trickery are bewildering, child.
Mook: It's fine. Everything's under control...
Frank: Under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, dumbass!
[After she wakes up and see their room-mate staring at her and her girlfriend's entangled bodies]
Paulie: She... she gets serious nightmares.
Evan: I wonder who you are.
Jon: I'm, uh, Mario.
Azura: Mario has the PAWNCH?
Jon: Mario has a poncho. He's, uh, from Mexico.
Ashley: Or is he from Spain?
Jon: Ethnic minority Mario! Collect them all!
Randall Flynn: I just want us to be friends.
Genesis P-Orridge: Uh, we're Throbbing Gristle, and we'd just like to make a small announcement: all the sounds you hear tonight are generated live as we're playing, there are no prepared backing tapes and no Revoxes.
Tape: Uh, we're Throbbing Gristle, and we'd just like to make a small announcement: all the sounds you hear tonight are generated live as we're playing, there are no prepared backing tapes and no Revoxes.
—From a 1980 show at Sheffield University.
[Superintendent Chalmers sees Principal Skinner's kitchen is on fire]
Chalmers: Good Lord! What is happening in there?!
Skinner: Aurora Borealis.
Chalmers: A- Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? LOCALIZED IN YOUR KITCHEN?!
Chalmers: (beat) ...may I see it?
Wedge: We'll need a wheeled transport, one of the flatcam units our pursuers are carrying, and four sets of women's clothing.
Hobbie: Boss, please tell me you're not putting us in women's clothing.
Wedge: Very well. I'm not putting us in women's clothing.
(In the next chapter, the four pilots are in women's clothing)
Hobbie: You lied to me.
Wedge: I did. With my brilliant achievements in the diplomatic profession has come the realization that lies can be powerful motivators.
Hobbie: My faith is shattered.
Wedge: You knew, when I said we needed four sets of women's clothing, that we were going to end up in them. You knew. So any hopes you had to the contrary were just self-delusion.
Hobbie: I understand that. But I'd rather blame you than me.
Jade: Well now... I'll just ask him a little about Mt. Roneal... Please wait outside, everyone.
Dist: *while the ground is shaking* ... AAAAAAHHH!! S-stop! Stop! You're killing me!! Jade, I'm sorryyyyyy!!!
Jade: *comes out alone, completely deadpan* It seems the earthquakes have led to more frequent avalanches. Also, an extremely powerful monster has taken up residence in the deeper parts. The monsters in the area have likely grown aggressive due to that influence.
Luke: O-okay... Um, about that scream just now...
Jade: Oh, that was nothing. Now let's be going.
"Ha ha! Germany! Russia! Is big American joke on Soldier! Ohh, America, it is the place I am from. All the time."
Reimu: There's a limit, even to obvious lies.
You have nice manners for a thief, and a LIAR!
FUN FOR ALL THE FAMILY
I did say that, but nothing I ever told you was true.
—Mark, to Amber, in The Other Woman