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Anime and Manga
Nobita: It... it followed me home, alright?
— Doraemon: Nobita and the Green Giant Legend, after Nobita's mother caught him sneaking a plant sapling into the house
Shirogane: There's no need to study for exams. There should be no problems if you're studying right along. Last-minute cramming is absurd. You'll just wreck your health.
Narrator: That was a lie. This young man has even taken a leave of absence from his part-time job so he could stay up studying in the ten nights before the test.
Kaguya: That's a good point. Tests are a reflection of your own abilities. Even if you push yourself hard and get a decent score, that doesn't predict the future. The best thing to do is take it in a relaxed manner.
Narrator: That was a lie. This young lady is taking the finals extremely seriously.
Ishigami: I'm studying hard for finals this time around. Well, I'm going home to study.
Narrator: That was a lie. This young man only wants to continue playing the video game he bought recently. He has the nerve to buy a game right before exams.
[...]
Kaguya: And the amount you study won't necessarily translate into higher scores. Not studying is indeed a viable choice.
Narrator: Lies.
Shirogane: That's right. Instead of studying, in the days before a test, I just sit cross-legged and focus on the subject.
Narrator: Lies.
Fujiwara: I see. Understood. I won't study!
Narrator: She's serious.
Narrator: That was a lie. This young man has even taken a leave of absence from his part-time job so he could stay up studying in the ten nights before the test.
Kaguya: That's a good point. Tests are a reflection of your own abilities. Even if you push yourself hard and get a decent score, that doesn't predict the future. The best thing to do is take it in a relaxed manner.
Narrator: That was a lie. This young lady is taking the finals extremely seriously.
Ishigami: I'm studying hard for finals this time around. Well, I'm going home to study.
Narrator: That was a lie. This young man only wants to continue playing the video game he bought recently. He has the nerve to buy a game right before exams.
[...]
Kaguya: And the amount you study won't necessarily translate into higher scores. Not studying is indeed a viable choice.
Narrator: Lies.
Shirogane: That's right. Instead of studying, in the days before a test, I just sit cross-legged and focus on the subject.
Narrator: Lies.
Fujiwara: I see. Understood. I won't study!
Narrator: She's serious.
Comic Books
Linda Danvers: Then why'd you tell me you were at Symphony Hall when you talked to me on the phone that day?
Philip: D-did I...?
Linda: If you're going to lie, at least try to be consistent!
Philip: D-did I...?
Linda: If you're going to lie, at least try to be consistent!
Forgive my manners, captain. Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Scorpius...and I am here to serve you.
— Scorpius, Farscape: Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
Fake Makeup Artist: Just have a seat, and I'll put on your makeup.
Supergirl: Thanks, but I think I can handle it myself. But tell me— Why is there a greenish tint to it?
Fake Makeup Artist: It won't photograph that way... It's just a— um— special formula for live color broadcasts!
Supergirl: I'm familiar enough with tv-makeup to know that's a crock, lady!
Supergirl: Thanks, but I think I can handle it myself. But tell me— Why is there a greenish tint to it?
Fake Makeup Artist: It won't photograph that way... It's just a— um— special formula for live color broadcasts!
Supergirl: I'm familiar enough with tv-makeup to know that's a crock, lady!
Martha Kent: "Kara...Are you sure you're all right, dear? You're looking a little pale..."
Kara Kent: "Oh, no, I'm fine, really! I, uh, just ate too much, is all..."
[...]
Clark Kent: "So...You want to talk about it?"
Kara Kent: "Is it that obvious?"
Clark Kent: "'Ate too much'? You barely touched your food, Kara."
Kara Kent: (sighing) "Didn't need X-Ray Vision to see right through me, huh?"
Kara Kent: "Oh, no, I'm fine, really! I, uh, just ate too much, is all..."
[...]
Clark Kent: "So...You want to talk about it?"
Kara Kent: "Is it that obvious?"
Clark Kent: "'Ate too much'? You barely touched your food, Kara."
Kara Kent: (sighing) "Didn't need X-Ray Vision to see right through me, huh?"
Cringer: "I knew I should've found instead some nice, safe corner of the stables in which to take my rest!"
Adam: "You complain overly much, cat! I wouldn't dream of disturbing your sleep were it not important!"
Cringer: "HA! A likely story, my prince! Sometimes I think you take pleasure in badgering this poor cat with your dangerous escapades!"
Adam: "You complain overly much, cat! I wouldn't dream of disturbing your sleep were it not important!"
Cringer: "HA! A likely story, my prince! Sometimes I think you take pleasure in badgering this poor cat with your dangerous escapades!"
Comic Strips
Please excuse Calvin from class today. His genius is urgently required on a top secret matter of national security.
Sincerely, The President.
P.S. Really.
Sincerely, The President.
P.S. Really.
— A letter given to Mrs. Wormwood, Calvin and Hobbes
Calvin: Dad! Dad! Outer space aliens just landed in the back yard!
Calvin's Dad: Oh really. What do they look like?
Calvin: Sort of like big baked potatoes with laser guns. I think we should do what they say.
Calvin's Dad: Did they say what they want?
Calvin: Yeah, they want 10 dollars.
Calvin's Dad: I bet they do.
Calvin: Since you're so busy you can just give the money to me, and I'll take it over to them.
Calvin's Dad: Oh really. What do they look like?
Calvin: Sort of like big baked potatoes with laser guns. I think we should do what they say.
Calvin's Dad: Did they say what they want?
Calvin: Yeah, they want 10 dollars.
Calvin's Dad: I bet they do.
Calvin: Since you're so busy you can just give the money to me, and I'll take it over to them.
Calvin: Quick, mom! Aliens just landed in the back yard! They demand to talk to you! You go on out! I'll guard the cookies in the kitchen! Quick! Hurry! (thinking) She's not buying this.
Calvin's Mom: Calvin, just how dumb do you think I am?
Calvin's Mom: Calvin, just how dumb do you think I am?
Calvin's Dad: What's all the ruckus?! You're supposed to be asleep! And what's with all these feathers?! Are you tearing up your pillows?!
Calvin: It was incredible, dad! A herd of ducks flew in the window and molted! They left when they heard you coming! Honest!
Hobbes: Nice alibi, frizzletop! No dessert for a week!
Calvin: You want another pillow across the kisser? I didn't hear you offer any brainstorms!
Calvin: It was incredible, dad! A herd of ducks flew in the window and molted! They left when they heard you coming! Honest!
Hobbes: Nice alibi, frizzletop! No dessert for a week!
Calvin: You want another pillow across the kisser? I didn't hear you offer any brainstorms!
Dilbert: Why have you ignored my request, Ted?
Ted: I was killed by a squadron of giant military squirrels.
Wally: He doesn't respect you enough to tell a plausible lie.
Dilbert: I demand a plausible lie!
Ted: Okay, maybe I wasn't killed by giant military squirrels. But I was imprisoned in their secret lair at the center of the earth.
Wally: You can't prove that one either way.
Dilbert: He did say it was a "secret" lair.
Ted: I was killed by a squadron of giant military squirrels.
Wally: He doesn't respect you enough to tell a plausible lie.
Dilbert: I demand a plausible lie!
Ted: Okay, maybe I wasn't killed by giant military squirrels. But I was imprisoned in their secret lair at the center of the earth.
Wally: You can't prove that one either way.
Dilbert: He did say it was a "secret" lair.
— Dilbert
Fan Works
Light: No one is listening to you, Ryuk.
Sayu: What does "Ryuk" mean?
Light: Uh, It's my new name for you. It means Kesha in Japanese.
Sayu: What does "Ryuk" mean?
Light: Uh, It's my new name for you. It means Kesha in Japanese.
So he walked through the door as the little man opened it for him, and did indeed give the secretary a big smile, so big that she wondered if something was wrong. He assured her that nothing was, which, in five minutes' time, made her call the police.
But that was far too long a time.
But that was far too long a time.
Kate Kane: "Linda. I want to apologize for this morning. I want to apologize about the towel thing."
Linda Danvers: "Oh... Wait, why do you have to apologize? I'm the one who invaded your room. Besides, after seeing Wonder Woman walk around in the nude so many times, you get used to it."
Kate Kane: "Excuse me?"
Linda Danvers: "What I— what I meant was that I've been covering the peace talks in DC. That's where I've been the past several days. Anyhow, the only time I could speak to Wonder Woman was in the early morning and she always takes a shower in the morning. Every time I spoke to her, she had just gotten out of the shower. I guess growing up on an island with nothing but women doesn't make you shy."
Linda Danvers: "Oh... Wait, why do you have to apologize? I'm the one who invaded your room. Besides, after seeing Wonder Woman walk around in the nude so many times, you get used to it."
Kate Kane: "Excuse me?"
Linda Danvers: "What I— what I meant was that I've been covering the peace talks in DC. That's where I've been the past several days. Anyhow, the only time I could speak to Wonder Woman was in the early morning and she always takes a shower in the morning. Every time I spoke to her, she had just gotten out of the shower. I guess growing up on an island with nothing but women doesn't make you shy."
"You saw it, didn't you?"
Basil was standing before Razputin, stressed out, with stir crazy eyes, armed with garden shears.
"Whaaaattt, nooo…I was just…taking a walk?"
Not even in Basil's world would that kind of excuse slide, and it showed, as something appeared out of the boy's torso, almost enveloping him with it's shark-like teeth and black tendrils.
Basil was standing before Razputin, stressed out, with stir crazy eyes, armed with garden shears.
"Whaaaattt, nooo…I was just…taking a walk?"
Not even in Basil's world would that kind of excuse slide, and it showed, as something appeared out of the boy's torso, almost enveloping him with it's shark-like teeth and black tendrils.
Film — Animated
Logan, I think we lost him!
"Hi, I am... Sorry. I accidentally dropped a few things back there. Except for that douche, I don't know whose that is."
— Camille Too, Sausage Party
"I think he did it!"
— The Once-ler, claiming a very small animal cut down a tree, The Lorax (2012)
Security Guard: I know you snuck out last night, Morales!
Miles: (thinking) Play dumb.
Miles: ...Who's Morales?
Miles: (thinking) Not that dumb!
Miles: (thinking) Play dumb.
Miles: ...Who's Morales?
Miles: (thinking) Not that dumb!
Film — Live-Action
Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency, I thought you'd left!
Chicolini: Oh no, I no leave.
Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes!
Chicolini: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?
Chicolini: Oh no, I no leave.
Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes!
Chicolini: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?
Quill: You look like Mary Poppins!
Yondu: Is he cool?
Quill: ...Hell yeah, he's cool.
Yondu: I'm Marry Poppins, y'all!
Yondu: Is he cool?
Quill: ...Hell yeah, he's cool.
Yondu: I'm Marry Poppins, y'all!
You have nice manners for a thief, and a LIAR!
— Smaug, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Mook: It's fine. Everything's under control...
Frank: Under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, dumbass!
Frank: Under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, dumbass!
— Kick-Ass
She... she gets serious nightmares.
— Paulie caught entangled with her girlfriend by a roommate, Lost and Delirious
I love democracy. I love the Republic.
Don't run! We are your friends!
— The Martians while blasting everything in sight with laser guns, Mars Attacks!
I did say that, but nothing I ever told you was true.
— Mark to Amber, The Other Woman
That guy was already up there when I got here.
"It could be out there suffering. And I know you'd want to help me find it so I could ki-... care for it."
— Jacques LaFleur, Harry and the Hendersons
Suzette Fremont: Hey! You wouldn't sacrifice me on this altar, would you?
Fuad Ramses: Of... of course not, my dear. Of course not. Lie down.
Fuad Ramses: Of... of course not, my dear. Of course not. Lie down.
Cindy Campbell: Someone murdered my friends!
Cindy's Dad: Yeah! And the sick bastard planted drugs all over the house!
Cindy's Dad: Yeah! And the sick bastard planted drugs all over the house!
Hancock: What is this? Who are we to each other?
Mary: We’re brother and sister.
Hancock: That’s a lie.
Mary: No, I’m your sister.
Hancock: That is a lie.
Mary: I’m your sister!
Hancock: That is a lie.
Mary: No!
Hancock: Sisters don’t kiss brothers the way you kissed me last night. You’re lying. Deal's off! Let’s go see how Ray feels about this.
Mary: We’re brother and sister.
Hancock: That’s a lie.
Mary: No, I’m your sister.
Hancock: That is a lie.
Mary: I’m your sister!
Hancock: That is a lie.
Mary: No!
Hancock: Sisters don’t kiss brothers the way you kissed me last night. You’re lying. Deal's off! Let’s go see how Ray feels about this.
— Hancock
Literature
It was a difficult time. I did all that I could to protect my House and then other members of Court in attendance. More's the pity that I could not save that usurping, traitorous bitch.
— Lara Raith in one of her blunter moments, White Night
Wedge: We'll need a wheeled transport, one of the flatcam units our pursuers are carrying, and four sets of women's clothing.
Hobbie: Boss, please tell me you're not putting us in women's clothing.
Wedge: Very well. I'm not putting us in women's clothing.
(In the next chapter, the four pilots are in women's clothing)
Hobbie: You lied to me.
Wedge: I did. With my brilliant achievements in the diplomatic profession has come the realization that lies can be powerful motivators.
Hobbie: My faith is shattered.
Wedge: You knew, when I said we needed four sets of women's clothing, that we were going to end up in them. You knew. So any hopes you had to the contrary were just self-delusion.
Hobbie: I understand that. But I'd rather blame you than me.
Hobbie: Boss, please tell me you're not putting us in women's clothing.
Wedge: Very well. I'm not putting us in women's clothing.
(In the next chapter, the four pilots are in women's clothing)
Hobbie: You lied to me.
Wedge: I did. With my brilliant achievements in the diplomatic profession has come the realization that lies can be powerful motivators.
Hobbie: My faith is shattered.
Wedge: You knew, when I said we needed four sets of women's clothing, that we were going to end up in them. You knew. So any hopes you had to the contrary were just self-delusion.
Hobbie: I understand that. But I'd rather blame you than me.
— X-Wing Series: Starfighters of Adumar
"Nice to meet you," Brad was soon to learn, was the phrase in Hollywood you could trust second least, right after "I'm a big fan."
— Repeat
1. A crocodile bit my head off and I'm not talking to anyone. 2. I have got a rare disease called party-itis which brings me out in terrible spots.
— Dirty Bertie, part of a list written by Bertie, "Worms!"
Brigadier Beauras: "Nobody, nobody, my boy, has ever told you to come here to pick strawberries. It is not true."
Grisón: "No, sir, but I got lost..."
Brigadier Beauras: "It's serious to get lost in the forbidden zone."
Grisón: "I didn't do it on purpose, sir."
Brigadier Beauras: "'Didn't you do it on purpose?"' The nerve of it. That is not a good excuse. First of all, there are no strawberries to be found around here. Especially in winter."
Grisón: "It's spring, sir."
Brigadier Beauras: "Yes, I know. Since this morning."
Grisón: "No, sir, but I got lost..."
Brigadier Beauras: "It's serious to get lost in the forbidden zone."
Grisón: "I didn't do it on purpose, sir."
Brigadier Beauras: "'Didn't you do it on purpose?"' The nerve of it. That is not a good excuse. First of all, there are no strawberries to be found around here. Especially in winter."
Grisón: "It's spring, sir."
Brigadier Beauras: "Yes, I know. Since this morning."
Live-Action TV
Sometimes the truth hurts. In these situations, I recommend lying.
Shcherbina: Why did I see graphite on the roof? Graphite is only found in the core where it's used as a neutron flux modulator, (addressing Legasov) correct?
Bryukhanov: (looks at Shcherbina with an "Oh, fuck!" sort of facial expression, then turns to Fomin) Fomin, why did the Deputy Chairman see graphite on the roof?
Fomin: Well, that... that can't be. Comrade Shcherbina, my apologies, but graphite... that's not possible. Perhaps you saw burnt concrete?
Shcherbina: Now there, you made a mistake, because I may not know much about nuclear reactors, but I know a lot about concrete.
Bryukhanov: (looks at Shcherbina with an "Oh, fuck!" sort of facial expression, then turns to Fomin) Fomin, why did the Deputy Chairman see graphite on the roof?
Fomin: Well, that... that can't be. Comrade Shcherbina, my apologies, but graphite... that's not possible. Perhaps you saw burnt concrete?
Shcherbina: Now there, you made a mistake, because I may not know much about nuclear reactors, but I know a lot about concrete.
I'll just go in this police box and arrest myself.
— The Doctor, whose spaceship resembles a police box, Doctor Who
The Doctor: I don't suppose you've completely ignored my instructions and secretly prepared any Nitro-9, have you?
Ace: What if I had?
The Doctor: Naturally, you wouldn't do anything so insanely dangerous as to carry it around with you, would you?
Ace: Of course not. I'm a good girl, I do what I'm told.
The Doctor: Excellent. Blow up that vehicle.
Ace: (delighted grin)
Ace: What if I had?
The Doctor: Naturally, you wouldn't do anything so insanely dangerous as to carry it around with you, would you?
Ace: Of course not. I'm a good girl, I do what I'm told.
The Doctor: Excellent. Blow up that vehicle.
Ace: (delighted grin)
— Doctor Who, "Silver Nemesis"
Dougal: Why didn't you lie to him?
Ted: I did! I told him great big massive lies with feckin' bells hanging off them!
Ted: I did! I told him great big massive lies with feckin' bells hanging off them!
— Father Ted, "Entertaining Father Stone"
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP... for one fucking minute? I'm asking nicely.
— Glenn Cullen, The Thick of It
The truth.
— Patrick Kielty, answering "Unlikely Things to Hear in a TV Election Debate", Mock the Week
I just want us to be friends.
— Randall Flynn, a man who says this twice to people who came to wish they never made a deal with him, and his definition of "friend" is quite twisted, Revolution, "The Children's Crusade"
Joe: She murdered him?
Matt: A mercy-killing, she'd call it.
Joe: So when did you find out about this? I mean, when did you know that this had happened?
Matt: Uh... I saw it on a newscast, I think.
(Cut to Matt and the rest of the group staring in horror at the livestream of Jennifer forcing poison into Harry's mouth)
Matt: Wipe and destroy everything. Okay? Everything! Now, go!
Matt: A mercy-killing, she'd call it.
Joe: So when did you find out about this? I mean, when did you know that this had happened?
Matt: Uh... I saw it on a newscast, I think.
(Cut to Matt and the rest of the group staring in horror at the livestream of Jennifer forcing poison into Harry's mouth)
Matt: Wipe and destroy everything. Okay? Everything! Now, go!
Miles Edward O'Brien: "Any idea who stole it?"
Nog: "It happened at Quark's. I put it on the table and there were some Vulcans nearby—"
O'Brien: "Hold on— you were saying... Vulcans stole your homework?!"
Nog: "Yes, sir."
O'Brien: "Any idea why?"
Nog: "Because they don't have ethics?"
— Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "The Nagus" (Vulcans are known for being a very ethical species)
I'm just here to lend a helping hand, you know, make sure the business is running in order. A got a—I got a good head for numbers. But listen, don't even worry, it's gonna be like I'm not even here.
—Lalo Salamanca, Better Call Saul
Howard: [nervously] Who are you?
Old Gregg: I'm Old Gregg. Pleased to meetcha.
Howard: What do you want?
Old Gregg: Maybe I should ask you the same question. Whatcha doin' in my waters?
Howard: Just... take in the air, you know? Not fishing!
Old Gregg: [pulling on the fishing line currently attached to his head] Then how come this hook's in my head, fool?
Howard: It's nothing to do with me, sir.
Old Gregg: It's attached to your rod, motherlicker!
Old Gregg: I'm Old Gregg. Pleased to meetcha.
Howard: What do you want?
Old Gregg: Maybe I should ask you the same question. Whatcha doin' in my waters?
Howard: Just... take in the air, you know? Not fishing!
Old Gregg: [pulling on the fishing line currently attached to his head] Then how come this hook's in my head, fool?
Howard: It's nothing to do with me, sir.
Old Gregg: It's attached to your rod, motherlicker!
Zack: Hey! A bowling trophy! Arwin, you bowl?
Arwin: No, no, no. I found that in the trash. Makes a great paperweight.
Zack: But it says, "First Place: Arwin Hawkhauser".
Arwin: That's... my sister. It's her trophy. She won it.
Zack: She has the same first name as you?
Arwin: We were a poor family. We could only afford one name.
Arwin: No, no, no. I found that in the trash. Makes a great paperweight.
Zack: But it says, "First Place: Arwin Hawkhauser".
Arwin: That's... my sister. It's her trophy. She won it.
Zack: She has the same first name as you?
Arwin: We were a poor family. We could only afford one name.
Music
I didn't write the words you hear me singing
I didn't sing the line before this one
You know, you're not the one I was addressing
That person took a trip to Africa
Where he met the consulate from Belgium
Who is now a Buddhist in a cave
Who is pitching for the Oakland Raiders
I didn't sing the line before this one
You know, you're not the one I was addressing
That person took a trip to Africa
Where he met the consulate from Belgium
Who is now a Buddhist in a cave
Who is pitching for the Oakland Raiders
— They Might Be Giants, "Weep Day"
Here on Fibber Island, (Here on Fibber Island!) no one sings along (No one sings along!)
— They Might Be Giants, "Fibber Island"
Genesis P-Orridge: Uh, we're Throbbing Gristle, and we'd just like to make a small announcement: all the sounds you hear tonight are generated live as we're playing, there are no prepared backing tapes and no Revoxes.
(tape plays)
Tape: Uh, we're Throbbing Gristle, and we'd just like to make a small announcement: all the sounds you hear tonight are generated live as we're playing, there are no prepared backing tapes and no Revoxes.
(tape plays)
Tape: Uh, we're Throbbing Gristle, and we'd just like to make a small announcement: all the sounds you hear tonight are generated live as we're playing, there are no prepared backing tapes and no Revoxes.
— From a 1980 show at Sheffield University
I'm
Definitely not an imposter
If I was
Then I wouldn't be one
'Cause I'm not one
Even if I was I wouldn't say that I wasn't
'Cause I'm not!
It's impossible
Implausible
I'm an imposter imposter
Obviously I'm not an imposter
Honest to God!
I should toss y'all
Like a rotten salad
Any evidence against me
Far from valid
Like I'd never snap your neck
Or stab your back
Or crawl up through the smallest vent - attack
An imposter's a role I could never fulfil
(If you don't believe me, ask the guy that I just killed)
Definitely not an imposter
If I was
Then I wouldn't be one
'Cause I'm not one
Even if I was I wouldn't say that I wasn't
'Cause I'm not!
It's impossible
Implausible
I'm an imposter imposter
Obviously I'm not an imposter
Honest to God!
I should toss y'all
Like a rotten salad
Any evidence against me
Far from valid
Like I'd never snap your neck
Or stab your back
Or crawl up through the smallest vent - attack
An imposter's a role I could never fulfil
(If you don't believe me, ask the guy that I just killed)
Stand-Up Comedy
Cop: What's going on, sir? You seem to be injured.
Uncle Donnie: Oh, this! I got to tell you, some fucking psycho just cut my fucking hand off and made limb stew out of those three mutilated fuckers floating around the boat, here. He's swimming that way if you want to fucking catch the bastard.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Uncle Donnie: I had a few chardonnays, what of it?
Cop: You're going to have to come with us.
Uncle Donnie: Alright, Sherlock Holmes, I killed them. But, you'll never catch me 'cuz I'm the fastest fucking butterfly swimmer in the fucking world!
Uncle Donnie: Oh, this! I got to tell you, some fucking psycho just cut my fucking hand off and made limb stew out of those three mutilated fuckers floating around the boat, here. He's swimming that way if you want to fucking catch the bastard.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Uncle Donnie: I had a few chardonnays, what of it?
Cop: You're going to have to come with us.
Uncle Donnie: Alright, Sherlock Holmes, I killed them. But, you'll never catch me 'cuz I'm the fastest fucking butterfly swimmer in the fucking world!
— Adam Sandler, "The Psychotic Legend of Uncle Donnie"
Video Games
Zozo? Never heard of it.
— A thief standing by the entrance of Zozo, Final Fantasy VI
Maurice Chavez: Mr. Shrub, you got elected on a campaign promising to reduce taxes to zero. But under your stewardship, we've seen taxes go up by 20% and services decline!
Alex Shrub: No one is interested in your statistics, Chavez. Let me tell you something pal, I'm better than that. I will not — I shall not — I cannot stoop to your level! They assured me that this was a show that understood politics, where we can debate mano-a-mano. And I find myself having statistics hurled at me like so much stale confetti. We cannot boil people down to numbers!
Alex Shrub: No one is interested in your statistics, Chavez. Let me tell you something pal, I'm better than that. I will not — I shall not — I cannot stoop to your level! They assured me that this was a show that understood politics, where we can debate mano-a-mano. And I find myself having statistics hurled at me like so much stale confetti. We cannot boil people down to numbers!
— Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Pressing Issues
Hello i am in braille
— A book translated from Morse Code, A Super Mario Bros X Thing
Jade: Well now... I'll just ask him a little about Mt. Roneal... Please wait outside, everyone.
(everyone is outside, with Jade alone with Dist in the room)
Jade: ...
Dist: (while the ground is shaking) ... AAAAAAHHH!! S-stop! Stop! You're killing me!! Jade, I'm sorryyyyyy!!!
Jade: (comes out alone, completely deadpan) It seems the earthquakes have led to more frequent avalanches. Also, an extremely powerful monster has taken up residence in the deeper parts. The monsters in the area have likely grown aggressive due to at influence.
Luke: O-okay... Um, about that scream just now...
Jade: Oh, that was nothing. Now let's be going.
Luke: Right...
(everyone is outside, with Jade alone with Dist in the room)
Jade: ...
Dist: (while the ground is shaking) ... AAAAAAHHH!! S-stop! Stop! You're killing me!! Jade, I'm sorryyyyyy!!!
Jade: (comes out alone, completely deadpan) It seems the earthquakes have led to more frequent avalanches. Also, an extremely powerful monster has taken up residence in the deeper parts. The monsters in the area have likely grown aggressive due to at influence.
Luke: O-okay... Um, about that scream just now...
Jade: Oh, that was nothing. Now let's be going.
Luke: Right...
There's a limit, even to obvious lies.
— Reimu Hakurei, Touhou Project
Eiki Shiki, Yamaxanadu: Let's talk about you, instead. Yes, you are a little too comfortable with lying.
Marisa Kirisame: That isn't true. I haven't told a single lie since I was born.
Marisa Kirisame: That isn't true. I haven't told a single lie since I was born.
Suddenly, I noticed that Picky was gone. I blame the cops... it certainly wasn't my fault at all.
— Porky Minch, EarthBound (1994)
"Tigron Enterprises - the world's favorite anti-gravity racing team. There has been all manner of malicious rumors circulated about the origins of our successful company, but all of those rumors are untrue. All you need to know is that Tigron is at the very pinnacle of anti-gravity racing, and that our latest contest will see victory finally in the hands of those most worthy of it."
— Bio of Tigron Enterprises in the game manual, WipEout Fusion
I'm not going to stick my butt out or anything, though.
— Wess, Mother 3
Berdly: Queen! I've been looking everywhere to show you this! A monument to our greatness...Together.
Queen: Oh...It's...Um...How Do I Put This...Very...Smart (Queen's visor displays the word "LYING" at this point)
Queen: So Smart You Are I Love Tolerating You
Berdly: Haha! I KNEW you'd be enamored! Such perfect taste.
Queen: Very Cool Statue I Did Not Know You Had...Nipples
Berdly: I will SOON...in our ideal world. Kris, feel free to admire our craftsmanship. Queen and I have PLANS to consider.
Queen: Haha Yes So Good Looking Forward To That
Queen: Mmm Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum
Queen: Oh...It's...Um...How Do I Put This...Very...Smart (Queen's visor displays the word "LYING" at this point)
Queen: So Smart You Are I Love Tolerating You
Berdly: Haha! I KNEW you'd be enamored! Such perfect taste.
Queen: Very Cool Statue I Did Not Know You Had...Nipples
Berdly: I will SOON...in our ideal world. Kris, feel free to admire our craftsmanship. Queen and I have PLANS to consider.
Queen: Haha Yes So Good Looking Forward To That
Queen: Mmm Yum Yum Yum Yum Yum
Shoka: C'mon, just give us a sign here, Big Su.
Rindo: "Big Su"?
Shoka: (gasps) ... Wh-who said that? Wasn't me.
Rindo: "Big Su"?
Shoka: (gasps) ... Wh-who said that? Wasn't me.
Syntax: WELCOME. PLEASE STATE YOUR IDENTITY.
Carol: Uh... totally not an intruder?
Syntax: I'M SORRY. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND: "totally not an intruder". DID YOU MEAN "INTRUDER"?
Carol: ...Well, it was worth a shot. BRING ON THE PUNCHING BAGS!
Syntax: ENEMIES DETECTED. EXECUTING SLAUGHTER SEQUENCE #2.
Carol: Uh... totally not an intruder?
Syntax: I'M SORRY. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND: "totally not an intruder". DID YOU MEAN "INTRUDER"?
Carol: ...Well, it was worth a shot. BRING ON THE PUNCHING BAGS!
Syntax: ENEMIES DETECTED. EXECUTING SLAUGHTER SEQUENCE #2.
Atreus: Mimir... not sure how to ask this. There's stories Odin told me - like how he lost his eye - where the details are different from stories you've told me. And I trust you, of course, but... they don't seem like things he'd have a reason to lie about either.
Mimir: One thing to remember about liars, lad: they lie. They do it on principle. No issue too big or too small. They lie about anything they can get away with - and some things that they can't - just to demonstrate their power over reality. You must always bear that in mind.
Mimir: One thing to remember about liars, lad: they lie. They do it on principle. No issue too big or too small. They lie about anything they can get away with - and some things that they can't - just to demonstrate their power over reality. You must always bear that in mind.
"Everyone's favourite!"
You tell her that not only are they low in calories (a total lie), they even prevent further calories (another total lie). Wonka said people should definitely not take more than one (actually, a truth), but that two might be okay (honestly you're not even sure about this one — sounds believable?)
— Weeb's Wonka Game if you decide to trick Tori into eating free dough samples.
Webcomics
I HAVE NO LASERS, AND I WILL LASER TO DEATH ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.
Babs: Batman left very clear instructions, Robin. Did you not see the very clear instructions?
Note: Damian, you are still too young to drive the Batmobile.
Damian: It’s ambiguous.
Maura: Hey, babe. Where've you been?
Clango: Nowhere! I briefly ceased to exist in time and space!
Maura: That doesn't sound suspicious at all.
Clango: Nowhere! I briefly ceased to exist in time and space!
Maura: That doesn't sound suspicious at all.
Antimony: Hello. I would like to enter, please.
Doorbot: Robots onl... what's that on your head?
Antimony: These are my antennas, because I am clearly a robot.
Doorbot: Oh! Well... it's true that some robots have antennas... hmm...
Antimony: Also, robots never lie.
Doorbot: Hey, you're right! Come on in, friends!
Antimony: We are looking for a particular robot. A... fellow robot. Because we are also robots.
Doorbot: Administration is right down that way.
Reynardine: Your powers of deception and trickery are bewildering, child.
Doorbot: Robots onl... what's that on your head?
Antimony: These are my antennas, because I am clearly a robot.
Doorbot: Oh! Well... it's true that some robots have antennas... hmm...
Antimony: Also, robots never lie.
Doorbot: Hey, you're right! Come on in, friends!
Antimony: We are looking for a particular robot. A... fellow robot. Because we are also robots.
Doorbot: Administration is right down that way.
Reynardine: Your powers of deception and trickery are bewildering, child.
Soldier: Come on, guys? Why would I lie? We're all Americans here!
Ms. Pauling: Well, not all of us, obviously. I mean, Medic's German and Heavy's from Russ-
Medic: (kaf)
Heavy: (nudge nudge)
Ms. Pauling: Ow! What? Oh.
Heavy: Ha ha! Germany! Russia! Is big joke! Big American joke on Soldier!
Soldier: Ha! You got me!
Heavy: Ohh, America, it is the place I am from. All the time.
Ms. Pauling: Well, not all of us, obviously. I mean, Medic's German and Heavy's from Russ-
Medic: (kaf)
Heavy: (nudge nudge)
Ms. Pauling: Ow! What? Oh.
Heavy: Ha ha! Germany! Russia! Is big joke! Big American joke on Soldier!
Soldier: Ha! You got me!
Heavy: Ohh, America, it is the place I am from. All the time.
Susan's Logic: Look, I've got nothing. Now deny everything to Diane.
Susan: I was thinking about baseball.
Diane: No you weren't.
Susan: Congrats, Sherlock.
Susan: I was thinking about baseball.
Diane: No you weren't.
Susan: Congrats, Sherlock.
(Monotone) "Oh, darn. Amadeus has been taken out by the enemy, who's not even here yet. Guess we'll need to press on without him."
— Rikku, after throwing Amadeus off into the tress, Fate/Gamers Only
Web Original
Jon: FALCON PAWNCH!
Evan: I wonder who you are.
Jon: I'm, uh, Mario.
Azura: Mario has the PAWNCH?
Jon: Mario has a poncho. He's, uh, from Mexico.
Azura: Sweet.
Ashley: Or is he from Spain?
Jon: Ethnic minority Mario! Collect them all!
Evan: I wonder who you are.
Jon: I'm, uh, Mario.
Azura: Mario has the PAWNCH?
Jon: Mario has a poncho. He's, uh, from Mexico.
Azura: Sweet.
Ashley: Or is he from Spain?
Jon: Ethnic minority Mario! Collect them all!
— ProtonJon and his friends, waiting for the next match to begin
FUN FOR ALL THE FAMILY
— Zero Punctuation, part of the end credits in for Tomodachi Life
Cloud: We're actually looking for a man. Black cape, silver hair, giant sword...
Cait Sith: Oh, you mean Sephiroth?
Cloud: Yeah, have you seen him?!
Cait Sith: No, who is that?
Cait Sith: Oh, you mean Sephiroth?
Cloud: Yeah, have you seen him?!
Cait Sith: No, who is that?
"I have received several urgent Facebook messages and Twitter DMs from a vague yet menacing government agency, asking me to deliver the following message: 'Briny depths'. They said that there was nothing secret or important about the message, and that it was certainly not related to any ongoing deep undercover operations that they can only communicate with using codewords subtly buried in local radio broadcasts. It wasn't anything crazy like that, they just think it would be cool to hear me say 'Briny depths'. 'Do your deepest, smoothest voice,' they said. 'Really sell it. Really give it your all. It would make us so happy. Please, it's our birthday! Oh, did we not mention? It's totally our birthday. Alright, in your best voice, say it: 'Briny depths'."
— Cecil Palmer, Welcome to Night Vale
Woman: Ooh a puppy!
Man: Careful, he has a knife!
Puppy: [holding a knife] Wh-what what???? N-no, no I don’t...
Man: Careful, he has a knife!
Puppy: [holding a knife] Wh-what what???? N-no, no I don’t...
Wilbur: Wait, Tommy, you're not actually burning down the forest. That was the one thing Schlatt put on the book he was gonna do. That's literally the thing we're fighting against.
Tommy: Uh...
Wilbur: Tommy, you burned down the forest.
Tommy: ...No.
Wilbur: Tommy, I want you to tell me that again. Say to me: "Wilbur, I have not burned down the forest."
Tommy: Wilbur, I'm– the forest is alive.
(Beat)
Wilbur: (trying to hold back laughter)
Techno: How alive?
Wilbur: A lot alive?
Tommy: Yeeah. Lotta life in this forest. Bugs and shit.
Tommy: Uh...
Wilbur: Tommy, you burned down the forest.
Tommy: ...No.
Wilbur: Tommy, I want you to tell me that again. Say to me: "Wilbur, I have not burned down the forest."
Tommy: Wilbur, I'm– the forest is alive.
(Beat)
Wilbur: (trying to hold back laughter)
Techno: How alive?
Wilbur: A lot alive?
Tommy: Yeeah. Lotta life in this forest. Bugs and shit.
Bowser Junior: It's raining!
Joseph: What?
Cody: No it's not, Junior.
Junior: It's pouring rain!
Joseph: What are you talking about?
Cody (overlapping Joseph): Junior, we're standing right here!
Junior: It's raining cats and dogs!
Cody: Junior, we're outside!
Joseph: Dude, I walked over here!
Junior: It's like a hurricane outside!
Joseph: No it's not!
Junior: Guys, do you not see that rain??!!
Cody (overlapping Joseph again): It's really nice out!
Joseph: It isn't, dude!
Junior: It's raining! It's like.. it's like.. it's like crazy rain! -throws a cup full of water- See, look at all that rain!
Cody: Junior, you just threw a cup of water!
Junior: Nope, no, no, that was rain!
Joseph: What the hell is your problem, dude?
Cody: Junior, no, that was a cup! I can see the cup.
Junior: It's rain.
Joseph: What?
Cody: No it's not, Junior.
Junior: It's pouring rain!
Joseph: What are you talking about?
Cody (overlapping Joseph): Junior, we're standing right here!
Junior: It's raining cats and dogs!
Cody: Junior, we're outside!
Joseph: Dude, I walked over here!
Junior: It's like a hurricane outside!
Joseph: No it's not!
Junior: Guys, do you not see that rain??!!
Cody (overlapping Joseph again): It's really nice out!
Joseph: It isn't, dude!
Junior: It's raining! It's like.. it's like.. it's like crazy rain! -throws a cup full of water- See, look at all that rain!
Cody: Junior, you just threw a cup of water!
Junior: Nope, no, no, that was rain!
Joseph: What the hell is your problem, dude?
Cody: Junior, no, that was a cup! I can see the cup.
Junior: It's rain.
Spikewall: Attention, Hostile Targets. You Can Come Out Now. It is Safe.
(hears movement)
*BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM*
(hears movement)
*BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM*
— Patient Zero by TheParryGod
Western Animation
Superintendent Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?
Principal Skinner: Uhhh, oh! That isn't smoke! It's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having! Mmmm, steamed clams!
[…]
Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Seymour: Ohoho, no! Patented Skinner burgers! Old family recipe!
Chalmers: For "steamed hams".
Seymour: Yes!
Seymour: Yeah, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact they are obviously grilled.
Principal Skinner: Uhhh, oh! That isn't smoke! It's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having! Mmmm, steamed clams!
[…]
Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Seymour: Ohoho, no! Patented Skinner burgers! Old family recipe!
Chalmers: For "steamed hams".
Seymour: Yes!
Seymour: Yeah, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact they are obviously grilled.
Darwin: Why is everyone crying?
Gumball: [while releasing Ocular Gushers] Nobody's crying.
Gumball: [while releasing Ocular Gushers] Nobody's crying.
— The Amazing World of Gumball, "The Roots"
"I have to go potty."
— Tommy Pickles, a one-year-old in a diaper, Rugrats, "The Bravliest Baby"
"Gilbert did it."
— Princess, Little Princes, "I Didn't Do It" (Gilbert is a stuffed bear)
Arthur Read: (trying to find an excuse for turning the lights on) "The darkness was hurting my eyes."
Buster Baxter: "Really?"
Arthur: "Yeah. It happens to people with glasses, so you wouldn't know about it."
— Arthur, "The Squirrels"
Princess: "It was... the wind."
Queen: "But there isn't any wind in here, sweetheart."
Princess: "No. No, no, no, not the wind. Um... it was a bird. A big bird with a nasty beak!"
King: "A bird? In here?!"
Princess: "It was a monster! Uh, a big, hairy monster! With boggly eyes! And... uh, and, uh... and, uh..."
Queen: "Sweetheart?"
Princess: (crying) "It was a monster! IT WAS!"
— Little Princess, "I Want to Play Football"
Cartman: I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now.
Jimmy: Who is your best friend?
Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends. We know everything about each other.
Jimmy: ...What's my last name?
Cartman: ...... [Walks away]
Jimmy: Who is your best friend?
Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends. We know everything about each other.
Jimmy: ...What's my last name?
Cartman: ...... [Walks away]
— South Park, "Tsst"
Zee: I told you to keep them APART!
Kara: I did! I totally did for like at least ten minutes!
Zee: (glares at her)
Kara: ...Five!
Zee: (camera zooms in a little closer on her glare)
Kara: ...Three minutes, I-...
Zee: (the camera cannot get any closer)
Kara: One minute...
Kara: I did! I totally did for like at least ten minutes!
Zee: (glares at her)
Kara: ...Five!
Zee: (camera zooms in a little closer on her glare)
Kara: ...Three minutes, I-...
Zee: (the camera cannot get any closer)
Kara: One minute...
