Critic Breakdown

Yeah... Freddy Got Fingered will do that to you.

"ONE guy?! No continues?! Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! [hysterically] WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?! [loudly] WHHHYYYYY?!?! AAAAGGHHH!!!!"

— The Angry Video Game Nerd, on the NES Dick Tracy game.

Sometimes, a piece of 'entertainment' is so excruciatingly awful, so mind-numbingly boring or appalling, the only way that a critic or reviewer can find to fend off those considering seeing or playing it out of perverse curiosity is to... well, massively, comically over-react.

Don't just pan the film; walk out of the theater in disgust, in as dramatic a fashion as possible. Don't just give the game a low score, or even a sub-zero score — pretend you couldn't bring yourself to finish the review at all. Act out as if you are terrified of the show/game/book/whatever. Scream in outrage at the very existence of the thing. Speak as if it has pushed you over the Despair Event Horizon and that the memory of it will drain all the goodness out of everything else you have ever reviewed.

In other words, make it clear that, yes, it really does hurt to watch, to And I Must Scream levels for anyone experiencing it, and no amount of Bile Fascination can make up for the awfulness.

While these sorts of theatrics are not limited to Caustic Critics, they are a favored tactic of several of them when confronted with something that is actually as bad as they usually make everything else out to be.

Usually, this is well rehearsed ahead of time, as the critic has, presumably, actually finished it, or at least isn't watching it as they perform the review. It has been known to occur in real-time, however, especially in game criticism with the rise of 'First Impressions'-style reviews which are being recorded as the critic plays for the first time.

Note that this a trope for critics, not the material they criticize, though it can appear in the reactions of fictional reviewers (in which case it it should be listed for the series or story where it appears).

A subtrope of Suckiness Is Painful. Usually involves a serving of Large Ham.

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Examples of Critic Breakdown in Fictional Critics

Live-Action TV

• A Bit of Fry and Laurie: Several examples.
  Hugh: Simon Clituris, you watched that sketch ... I assume you were disappointed?
  Stephen: Well frankly, I thought it was predictable.
  Hugh: You predicted it, did you?
  Stephen: Absolutely, and I think that's why it was predictable. Their choice of targets was predictable ...
  Hugh: Estate agents ...
  Stephen: Where?
  Hugh: The target of that last sketch was estate agents.
  Stephen: I didn't notice that.
  Hugh: And of course their choice of language was predictable ...
  Stephen: Precisely. English was a sadly predictable language for them to have chosen.
• Terrible films are the bread and butter of Mystery Science Theater 3000, so this is a natural thing for the series. The protagonists aren't professional critics, but they are trapped in space and forced to watch bad movies (real ones; the fictional part is the setup of the series). The worst of the worst movies actually do drive the cast to the edge of breakdowns, or completely over.
  • Manos: The Hands of Fate, perhaps the most notorious of the Joel-era episodes, sent both Tom and Crow into a panic during the opening credits, because they were convinced that they were going to be forced to watch a Snuff Film. Later, both TV's Frank and Dr. Forrester approached the communicator when the other was away, to privately apologize to Joel and the bots for foisting something so awful on them.
  • Monster a-Go Go left the bots in a deep depression, which Joel unsuccessfully tries to cheer them out of. They also state that it was just as bad as Manos, which is a pretty severe criticism in light of their reaction to that.
  • Eegah! was so bad that Crow and Tom Servo had to take showers afterwards to wash the filth away.
  • Red Zone Cuba makes Mike think he's Carol Channing. Tom Servo and Crow have to sing a manic "Bouncy Upbeat Song" to keep themselves from complete despair.
  • Invasion of the Neptune Men leaves the cast sobbing and wondering what's the point of living anymore. A surprise visit from Phantom of Krankor pulls them back from a complete breakdown.
  • Hobgoblins was so bad, everyone walked out of the theater and left behind cardboard cutouts of themselves in there and on the SOL. Eventually, Pearl found out what they were up to and forced them to finish the movie.
  • But none of these compare to The Castle of Fu Manchu, where the cast can’t finish any of their host segments due to how horrible the movie is, and it’s due to only a suggestion at the final segment that Frank and Forrester watch it that the Mads don’t use it to conquer the world.

Examples in Real Life Critiques

Note that examples are given in the category of the review, not the reviewed items.

Print Media

• When Melissa Mills reviewed Uriah Heep's first album for Rolling Stone in 1970, her critique began “If this group makes it, I’ll have to commit suicide”—a sentence which quickly attained the era's equivalent of Memetic Mutation status.
• Roger Ebert did not often lose his temper at films, but when he did, the results were legendary:
  • In Ebert's review of The Human Centipede, which he disclaimed as not being "so much a review as a public service announcement," he outright refused to rate it:
    Ebert: I am required to award stars to movies I review. This time, I refuse to do it. The star rating system is unsuited to this film. Is the movie good? Is it bad? Does it matter? It is what it is and occupies a world where the stars don’t shine.
  • Ebert's review of North started out as a zero-star pan but devolved into an outright tirade in print:
    Ebert: I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

Web Video

• The Angry Joe Show: Joe is simply in love with this trope.
  • His review of Ride to Hell: Retribution opens with him in his gaming chair writhing in agony and clutching at his eyes.
  • Similarly, the review video for MindJack opens with him sitting facing the camera, staring blankly and drooling as a voiceover explains that the game Mind Jacked him while he was playing.
  • He opens his review of Sonic Free Riders by claiming that the game had ruined his life, draining the pleasure from things like music and food, and declaring that he would start a fistfight with anyone who dared give the game a positive review.
• Brows Held High:
  • Kyle's review of What Is It caused him to break down over its disturbing and offensive imagery.
  • Kyle tries very hard to hold it together in his review of A Serbian Film, but ultimately snaps and calls NATO over it. Deconstructed when the NATO commander he talks to mocks him for being outraged that a film deliberately designed to be as offensive and shocking as possible was offensive and shocking.
  • Played for Drama in his review of Melancholia, a film about depression, where over the course of watching it he grows more and more despairing and lashes out at his friends and job.
• Jim Sterling, especially in the Best Of Steam Greenlight Trailers series:
  • Had a screaming fit over Pixel Rising on finding that it is yet one more UnitZ asset flip; they had reviewed seven versions of the same game with different names uploaded by different 'developers' by this time, so a degree of outrage was called for.
  • Was sent into a state of existential despair by Digital Homicide's E.L.T.: The Extra-Large Testicle.
  • During their "Squirty Play" (Let's Play-style playthrough) of Zen Fish Simulator[1], they mused first whether they were 'on some secret drug [..] like some government shady psychotropic test', then whether they were trapped in a Jacob's Ladder-style dying hallucination and was really 'on a stretcher in Vietnam or something'.
  • Alternated between devolving into child-like gibberish ("it's sad game to have bad times with! No goody game game!") and scenery-chewing ranting in their review of Contra: Rogue Corps, which they describe as being the antithesis of a Contra title.[2] Admittedly, this was a Konami title made after the departure of Hideo Kojima, which automatically makes it a something of Berserk Button for Sterling.
• JonTron had several breakdowns for several inane reasons:
  • During the Nightshade review, when he gets to the point of seeing an old lady being constantly hammered, he stops playing the game, takes the cartridge to the back room and starts smacking it with a sledge hammer and it devolves into a bizarre karaoke session in slow motion that makes him sounds like a 'sedated Chewbacca'. It's as weird as it sounds.
  • One of his oft-memed breakdown happens during the review of Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts when he finds out that there is a car building and car driving session.
  Jon: "Cars...? Cars...? CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRSSSS!!!!!"
  (suddenly breaks into a parody of "And I Will Always Love You")
  "AND III-IIIII—HOLY SHIT!!—WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU-ICAN'TBELIEVEYOUDIDITTOMEGODDAMMITHOWCOULDYOUDOTHISTOME!?!?!?"
• Parodied by Josh Scorcher when reviewing the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic episode "Magical Mystery Cure". After witnessing Alicorn Twilight, he went utterly apeshit, screaming, banging his locker, sobbing under a Shower of Angst, but in the end of it, he suddenly calms down and declares, "I'm OK with this."
  • An inversion of this parody happens when he found out about the development of Hyrule Warriors: He Squees so hard at the joy of two of his favorite series crossing over, but then calmly says in the end "It's going to suck because it's not a true Zelda game." He had to put a disclaimer that the last part is a joke.
• The Mysterious Mr. Enter nearly gives up during his review of Mega Babies, and needs a pep talk from his mentor in order to finish it up. Also, Where the Dead Go to Die disturbed him so much that he shows his face in a vlog to explain why it's too depraved for an Animated Atrocity review. Aside from a quick snark at The Problem Solverz for now needing glasses, he sounds emotionally deadened throughout. The concept that such a film could be made, and worse yet with the alleged intention of comedy, traumatized him to the point of delaying his Mars Needs Moms review to think about the abomination he'd just watched.
• The Nostalgia Critic has built his entire career on this trope, particularly after his review of Batman & Robin had him undergo such a breakdown that he had to be restrained by orderlies in three Time Skips, and even after calming down, could not say or hear the words "Bat Credit Card" for years afterwards without leaping into another homicidal rage. Doug Walker, the real person behind the persona, has stated more than once that his fans watch his show for the freak-outs and will constantly bring up a trigger phrase (like Bat Credit Card above) to see what reaction he'll give in person.
  • His review of Foodfight! opens with him wandering into his home in a daze. He then snaps, destroying the DVD with the garbage disposal followed by frantically smashing every product in the kitchen which was featured in the film (or on the DVD jewel case).[3]
  • The NeverEnding Story 3 causes the Nostalgia Critic to go Laughing Mad, go to the hardware store and buy a hammer, and smash the DVD in a fit of rage.
  • He gets so depressed during his review of Son of the Mask that he literally begs The Devil himself to kill him. The Devil refuses, because he just loves the idea the Critic is undergoing a Fate Worse than Death.
  • His earliest stint at this during the review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, whereas five minutes after believing that the movie's going to be an improvement over the two previous films... he's seen without his jacket under a Shower of Angst crying and rambling "OH MY GOD, IT'S SO TERRIBLE! IT'S SO TERRIBLEEHHAHAHAHAHA—", and doing a lot of crazy breakdowns before declaring it the worst thing that no one should ever have to see and inventing the word "Horribufuckus."
  • His review of The Odd Life of Timothy Green opens with him questioning how bad it can be before doing a Time Skip during which he saw the movie and became so (literally) murderously enraged that he killed a neighbor's cat before he could stop himself. He still feels a lot of regret, though.
• ProJared has had several:
  • Playing Oscar was such an awful experience that he spends the entire review lying on the floor and questioning his life when not despairing about the game.
  • The opening of his review of Virtual Hydlide replaces his usual "I'm playing..." line with a shot of him slumped backwards with an expression of slack-jawed horror, able only to muster a miserable croak by way of description.
• SomeCallMeJohnny is mostly a down to earth game reviewer, but even he has his moments:
  • His first instinct upon finding out he had to review Superman 64 was a Big "NO!", followed by telling the demon who gave the game to him "fuck that". Later, after putting up with the Fake Difficulty and the game's invoked Obvious Beta status and getting nothing out of it, he gave the game a -64 out of 10 after realizing that it's his review and he can do whatever the hell he wants.
  • Downplayed in his Shadow the Hedgehog review, in which he just silently drops the controller and leaves upon seeing the Black Arms race appear from the sky. He comes back anyways, but he's clearly unhappy.
  • Johnny's frustration also hits its maximum peak trying to kill the final boss in Ecco the Dolphin, before angrily giving up, saying that Ecco died saving his kind and quickly tore the game cartridge off his Sega Genesis.
  • He also got fed up trying to wrestle with the controls to Sonic Free Riders (to be fair, it is the Kinect), to the point where he started damning the Kinect towards the end of his look at.
  • He hates Super Mario Sunshine with a passion (or to be precise, the hoops he had to go through to get the lackluster 100% Completion reward), to the point where he got drunk mid-review.
• The Quarter Guy had this kind of breakdown during his 'Top 10 Worst Mavericks' when describing Tornado Tonion, screaming "He's just an onion!!" every time until he's left in a whimpering mess reciting that in a Madness Mantra. The funny thing is that Tornado Tonion is just #2 in the countdown; it gets even worse when he talks about Flame Hyenard.
• Nitro Rad: Throughout his review of Bubsy 3D, James talks about the game very negatively, which says a lot considering he usually avoids doing this in his reviews, borders on Sanity Slippage and gets Exhausted Eye Bags the more he progresses in the game. When he finally beats it, he does a Post-Victory Collapse, and calls Bubsy 3D the worst game he's ever played, and finishes she video by stating he'll go hug his mom and cry.
• Eric from Pretty Much It tends to pick content that he enjoys for his commentaries, which causes him to truly lose it and scream several times when he's forced to watch The Fine Brothers' F the Prom.
  Eric: "I HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION, OR MY BRAIN IS GOING TO FALL OUT OF MY FUCKING EARS! I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM... I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!"
• The Spoony Experiment: their review of Ultima IX has Spoony comically perched on the armrest of his chair in a fetal position and swallowing pills pretty early on, but eventually culminates in a severe Mood Whiplash, when he suddenly breaks character and relates a very personal story of his childhood and how much the Ultima series meant to him growing up, concluding on a very serious reflection on the trauma its bungled finale had inflicted upon him.
• Mother's Basement: His review of The Master of Ragnarok & Blesser of Einherjar closes with Geoff saying that he was going to go stare at a wall until the memories of the series faded, but that he might review something better 'when I can feel positive emotions again'.
• GameSpot's video review of Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing, where Alex Navarro gets increasingly frustrated at the "game", culminating in him leaving the office and flopping on the ground. All without saying a word.

Other

• Romance novel review site Smart Bitches, Trashy Books have elevated this trope almost to the level of a Signature Style for their negative reviews. It's usually Played for Laughs, albeit sometimes rather dark ones, but when a book goes into certain territory (such as offensive stereotyping, cavalier handling of Rape as Drama and especially Romanticised Abuse) it becomes the exact opposite.
• When reviewing Wolf Creek in 2005 on Australian TV program At The Movies, film critic David Stratton claimed that he was so spooked by the film, he couldn't rate it.