Funny / Urinating Tree – A Legacy of Failure

The Washington Capitals (1974-2018)

• The video that put him on the meme map, Tree starts out by noting the Capitals' inauspicious start.
  1970'S
  UT: One of the most abysmal starts for a franchise in the history of sports. [As a caption appears noting the team's record in their inaugural season: "1974-75: 8-67-5"] Literally a carpet for every single team in the league. Even the other expansion franchises. ["Michel Belhumeur: I don't know what we're doing wrong. But we're doing something wrong."]
  EARLY 1980'S
  UT: Hey, you got Ryan Walter, Mike Gartner and Bengt Gustafsson! Too bad you guys still suck.
• Tree delights in mocking the Capitals' continued futility against a few teams in the playoffs.
  • In the beginning, Tree discusses the Capitals' repeated playoff losses to the New York Islanders:
    1983
    UT: Wow, you finally made the playoffs eight years into your existence. And then you get your asses kicked by the Islanders.
    1984
    UT: You have an outstanding regular season, and you reach the second round of the playoffs. Have a trophy. [The "YOU'RE WINNER !" trophy from Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing appears on screen]
    PATRICK DIVISION FINALS, 1984
    UT: And you get curbstomped by the Islanders in that round. Get used to this losing.^note The Capitals proceed to lose to the Islanders in the first round of the 1985 playoffs.
    1986
    UT: Nearly every single year of the '80s.^note They finally beat the Islanders, only to lose in the second round to the New York Rangers.
    1987
    UT: Take a four-overtime loss to the Isles as well. In a Game 7.
    [after a few more playoff exits]
    1993
    UT: Get embarrassed in 1993. By the Islanders. Old habits die hard.
  • The Capitals' troubles with another team give rise to one of Tree's best known catchphrases:
    1991
    UT: Next year [after getting swept by the Bruins in the previous year's Eastern Conference Finals] you get your asses kicked by the Penguins. Remember that team.
    1992
    UT: They also come back from a three games to one deficit on you the following year.
    [...]
    1994
    UT: Holy shit, you actually beat the Penguins in a playoff series. Only to get routed by the Rangers in the next round. ^note That Rangers team goes on to win the Stanley Cup. Their first since 1940.
    [...]
    1995
    UT: In fact, get eliminated at the hands of the Penguins again.
    1996
    UT: Make that two years in a row. Enjoy another brutal defeat in four overtimes to them as well.
    [After the Capitals get swept by the Red Wings in their first Stanley Cup appearance.]
    2000
    UT: Hey, you made it back to the playoffs just in time for the new millennium! Only to lose to the fucking Penguins.
    2001
    UT: The very next year, lose to Mario Lemieux and the Pens. Again.
    [Several more seasons of futility later]
    JUNE 26, 2004
    UT: [After introducing Alex Ovechkin] Maybe you'll actually win a Stanley Cup this time around! ^note Or in 14 years...
    2009
    UT: But first you have to lose a hard-fought series against the Penguins in seven games. At least Sergei Gonchar got - oh. [Gonchar lifts the Stanley Cup as a Penguin]
    [...]
    2016
    UT: Okay, this should finally be the year—Presidents' Trophy winner by a landslide; improved depth on the wings; god-mode Evgeny Kuznetsov, a Vezina Trophy-winning goaltender—for the love of God, this has to be the year!
    (cue footage of the game-winning goal for the Penguins/Capitals playoff series)
    UT: Nope! You go full-Capitals again. You get eliminated in the 2nd round to WHADDYA KNOW, THE FUCKING PENGUINS!!!
    ("PARTY HARD"^note the goal horn song for the Penguins plays in the background while footage of Tidus' ridiculously fake laugh plays in the corner)
  • The end result?
    UT: [The Capitals'] fans get PTSD over hearing the words 'Penguins', 'Islanders', and 'Rangers', which is justified since those teams have owned them like slaves.^note See the 1994 entry, and the endnotes on the 1986, 2012, 2013, and 2015 entries to learn how the Rangers come into play.
• When discussing the Capitals' second round playoff exits:
  2011
  UT: Congratulations, you once again got swept in the second round.^note To the Tampa Bay Lightning, who proceed to lose to the Boston Bruins in seven games.
  2012
  UT: Congratulations, your team can't get past the second round of the playoffs.^note They lost to the Rangers in seven games.
  2013
  UT: The good news is that they didn't get eliminated in the second round! They get eliminated in the first.^note They lost to the Rangers in seven games, blowing a 3-2 series lead.
  [...]
  2015
  UT: Congratulations, your team STILL can't make it past the second round!^note They lost to the Rangers in seven games, blowing a 3-1 series lead.
• "I would drink the tears and misery of Caps fans everywhere, but unfortunately, they have no cups."^note Give it a year, Tree...

The Minnesota Vikings

• Tree reminds us that before the NFL-AFL merger, the Vikings gave professional football one of its most timelessly hilarious moments:
  EARLY-MID 1960'S
  UT: The Vikings are an unnotable, forgotten franchise before the merger. At least you've got that Fran Tarkenton guy. Go and run the wrong way for a safety!^note The Vikings managed to defeat the 49ers 27-22 in spite of Marshall's "wrong way" safety. They finished the season 8-5-1, missing out on second place in the NFL Western Division (and a spot in the 1964 Playoff Bowl) thanks to an inferior head-to-head points record against the Packers. As for Tarkenton, the following January, he led the West to a 34-14 win in the Pro Bowl and shared MVP honours with Detroit's Terry Barr.
• Under Bud Grant, the CFL's Winnipeg Blue Bombers win four Grey Cups in ten years.^note Coincidentally, all four finals saw them defeat the Hamilton Tiger-Cats. When he joins the Vikings, well, they do something four times in ten years...
  MARCH 10, 1967
  UT: Hey, you make a great hire in Bud Grant as your head coach! Hopefully you can win a Super Bowl for him.
  1969
  UT: You actually end up making one less than ten years into your existence! Not bad.
  SUPER BOWL IV
  UT: They get routed by the Chiefs.^note Final score: Kansas City 23, Minnesota 7. Sure, they were favourites to win, but they haven't even peaked. Come back strong next year.
  [after Divisional Round losses to the 49ers in 1970 and the Cowboys in 1971...]
  JANUARY 27, 1972
  UT: That Tarkenton guy turned out to be pretty good [after we traded him to the Giants]; let's get him again!^note Tarkenton had demanded the Vikings trade him in 1967 after feuding with Grant's predecessor, Norm Van Brocklin. See "The Atlanta Falcons: A Legacy of Failure" for how well Van Brocklin's next coaching appointment went.
  1973
  UT: Turns out he and Chuck Foreman are the pieces to get you back to the Promised Land. You're going to another Super Bowl!
  SUPER BOWL VIII
  UT: In which you get mauled by Larry Csonka and the Dolphins.^note Final score: Miami 24, Minnesota 7. Csonka would go on to rush for a then Super Bowl record of 145 yards and two touchdowns, and the Dolphins dominance was so thorough that Dolphins quarterback Bob Greise forgot the snap count on one play, and the Phins still scored.
  1974
  UT: It's not all bad, though. You made it back to the Big Game the very next year!
  SUPER BOWL IX
  UT: Unfortunately, Fran Tarkenton becomes a victim to the Steel Curtain and you lose to the Steelers.^note Final score: Pittsburgh 16, Minnesota 6. So thorough was the Steelers' shutdown of Tarkenton that he posted a dismal 14.1 passer rating, the fourth worst in Super Bowl history; for perspective, the maximum possible rating is 158.3.
  [...]
  1976
  UT: You shed that painful loss [to the Cowboys in the 1975 Divisional Round] and make your fourth Super Bowl the following year. This is probably the last year you can really compete for a title with your current core. Don't fuck it up.
  SUPER BOWL XI
  UT: And you get ass-blasted by the Raiders.^note Final score: Oakland 32, Minnesota 14. Four losses in ten years, Christ, that's brutal. Where's my drink?
• One of the Vikings' near misses in the 1970s gives the sport a phrase it has used regularly ever since:
  1975
  UT: Okay, this year should finally be the year you get a ring. 12-2. Career years for Tarkenton and Freeman.^note Tree misspeaks here, as there was no player named Freeman on the team at the time; he means running back Chuck Foreman. The peak of the Purple People Eaters. Get it done, boys. [Townie from The Waterboy says "You can do it!"]
  NFC DIVISIONAL ROUND, 1975 SEASON
  UT: You've got this game in the bag. The Cowboys would need a Hail Mary to win this one.
  [Cowboys quarterback Roger Staubach throws the pass to wide receiver Drew Pearson that originally coined the term "Hail Mary"]^note At a press conference after the game, Staubach, a Catholic and a fan of The Godfather, Part II, referenced Fredo Corleone's comment about saying a "Hail Mary" prayer whenever he went out fishing by saying he "closed [his] eyes and said a 'Hail Mary'". To make matters worse for Minnesota, their players and fans believed that Pearson should have been penalised for offensive pass interference after pushing off cornerback Nate Wright (in the video, free safety Paul Krause can be seen pointing at Pearson and protesting to the officials). When the officials ruled otherwise, the resulting outrage set off a hail of projectiles from irate fans, including a glass bottle that hit Armen Terzian in the head. Terzian required 11 stitches, and the fan who threw the bottle was fined $100 for misdemeanour assault, while the NFL banned the sale of glass bottles during games.
  UT: ... well then!
• Tree gets a lot of laughs out of the disastrously lopsided Herschel Walker trade with the Cowboys...
  OCTOBER 12, 1989
  UT: You need a major splash to get over this hump. Trade the entire organisation's future to the Cowboys for Herschel Walker!^note In exchange for Walker, two 1990 draft picks, one 1991 draft pick, and an extra 1990 draft pick acquired from the Chargers (who got the Cowboys' Darrin Nelson in the deal), the Vikings traded Jesse Solomon, David Howard, Issiac Holt, Alex Stewart, and eight draft picks across 1990, 1991, and 1992 (four of which were initially conditional on cutting the four players; the conditions were eventually waived).
  1989
  UT: Oh looky, you get curb-stomped by the 49ers in a playoff game. Again.
  1991
  UT: Who knew that running back was the least of your issues and you go nowhere with Herschel. He's also gone in three years. Good job, Vikings, you just had the area sell out of Dewar's.
  1992
  UT: The last connection to the '70s teams^note Jerry Burns, offensive co-ordinator from 1968-85 and head coach from 1986-91. has retired, but you pick up this promising coach named Dennis Green! Let's see if he leads you anywhere.
  EARLY 1990'S
  UT: The Vikings lose three straight Wild Card games.^note 24-7 to the Redskins in 1993, 17-10 to the Giants in 1994, and 35-18 to the Bears in 1995. Those draft picks you gave up for Herschel would have really come in handy now.
  1992
  (The Cowboys are shown dousing Jimmy Johnson with Gatorade after one of their three Super Bowl wins in the 1990s)
  UT: How the hell are the Cowboys doing, anyway?
• The Vikings get to their best regular season record ever. Should be a gimme to make it to the Super Bowl, right? Well...
  1998 NFL DRAFT
  UT: Here's this high-risk elite talent that dropped to us named Randy Moss in the draft. Fuck it; let's give 'em a shot.
  NFC CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP, 1998 SEASON
  UT: You go 15-1 with one of the greatest offenses the league has ever seen and Gary Anderson hasn't missed a field goal all season long.^note  Literally. He made 122 consecutive kicks at this point and became the first placekicker in NFL history to finish the regular season with a 100% success rate on both field goals and extra points, and the last time he missed a field goal was December 15, 1997 against Denver. Only a fool could lose this one.
  (Anderson's kick infamously goes wide left)
  UT: ...well then. Shake it off, just put that behind you and have a strong defensive stop.
  (The Falcons tie it up with less than a minute to go in the 4th quarter.)
  UT: Can you at least stop the Falcons in OT?
  (The Falcons kick the game-winning field goal.)
  UT: Quadruple shot of Jameson, please.
  1999
  UT: Have a consolation prize the next year. Getting gored five times over by The Greatest Show on Turf.^note The Vikings finished 10-6 in the regular season after changing quarterbacks from Randall Cunningham to Jeff George, then defeated the Cowboys 27-10 in the Wild Card game. Unfortunately, while they led the Rams 17-14 at half time in the Divisional Round, St. Louis immediately returned the second half kickoff for the first of five touchdowns, and while Minnesota hit back with three touchdowns in the fourth quarter, it wasn't enough to stop them losing 49-37. The Rams went on to win Super Bowl XXXIV 23-16 against the Titans.
• Two years later, the Vikings draft a quarterback Tree describes as "this guy". Things start to turn around - but only manage to turn so far. To make things even worse, one of their top stars decides to retire at his peak and the team turns into a joke the next season:
  2000 NFL DRAFT
  UT: Randall Cunningham's gone, but here's this guy named Daunte Culpepper! LET'S DRAFT HIM!
  2000
  UT: Hot damn, Culpepper is a beast! And you made the NFC Championship again!
  NFC CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP, 2000 SEASON
  UT: You get schooled repeatedly by a Giants team led by Kerry Collins. And you get shut out.^note 41-0, to be exact. Compounding the Vikings' embarrassment, Collins' performance in Super Bowl XXXV the following week is the stuff of legend for all the wrong reasons; he threw four interceptions, was sacked four times, had to punt the ball eleven times, and posted an epically terrible 7.1 passer rating (outdone only by Craig Morton's 0.0 for the Broncos in Super Bowl XII) as the Giants were humiliated 34-7 by the Ravens. Now you're just injecting tequila straight into the bloodstream.
  FEBRUARY 4, 2001
  UT: CONGRATULATIONS! Your star running back Robert Smith has chosen to retire in his prime!
  2001
  UT: Completely collapse the following season by going 5-11, Dennis Green is fired in the middle of the season, and your defense has decided to eat a bag of shit!
• The 2003 season starts very promising, then turns kinda meh, and it all comes down to the final week...
  EARLY 2000S
  UT: Bask in the mediocrity of Mike Tice!
  WEEK SIX, 2003 SEASON
  UT: Wait, never mind; you're 6-0. Playoff Island is in your sights!
  WEEK 17, 2003 SEASON
  UT: ...you lost six of nine. For fuck's sake—just beat the 3-12 Cardinals and you'll make it in. You're beating them by eleven with three minutes left. Surely you can't fuck this up.
  FINAL PLAY, WEEK 17, 2003 SEASON
  UT: HOW ARE THEY BACK IN THIS GAME!? HOW?!
  (The final play by the Cardinals is a touchdown pass for roughly 30 yards, leaving the final score as 18-17 Cardinals.)
  UT: ...and you made baby Jesus cry.
• Scandal off the field, mediocrity on it...
  2006
  UT: Welcome to The Love Boat, motherfuckers! Hop on board and enjoy the glories of 6-10!
• All legacies of failure need to get great players long past their prime and have a bad track record in the draft. So it is with Minnesota:
  2009
  UT: Congratulations! You are the final stop on Brett Favre's five-year retirement tour!
  [...]
  2010
  UT: Turns out Brett Favre is completely cooked and you go 6-10.
  JULY 28, 2011
  UT: The last retirement tour worked out so well for you guys that you bring in Donovan McNabb on his swan song!
  2011 NFL DRAFT
  UT: You need some youth in the QB position, though!
  Roger Goodell: The Minnesota Vikings select... Christian Ponder, quarterback, Florida State.
  UT: ... My sincere condolences.^note Ponder lasted four years with the Vikings after McNabb was waived six games into the 2011 season; they finished 14-21-1 in his 36 games as a starter.
  2011
  UT: The tandem doesn't work out so well; thirteen loss season.
• However, with Favre, the Vikings are close to reaching their first Super Bowl since the 1970s... can you guess what happens next?
  NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME, 2009 SEASON
  UT: [as Adrian Peterson runs the final two yards to tie the score at 28-28 with five minutes to go] Holy shit. You are this goddamn close to beating the Saints and making it to another Super Bowl. Get into field goal range and end it!
  [Brett Favre tries to pass the ball further into field goal range, only for the pass to be intercepted by the Saints' Tracy Porter]
  UT: [sound effect of a can of beer being opened and poured into a glass] Can your defence at least fucking hold something!? [cut to overtime; the Vikings' Asher Allen is hit with a holding penalty, then Ben Leber picks up a penalty for pass intereference] ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! All those sacrificed goats and you still can't win!? [Garrett Hartley kicks the game-winning field goal for New Orleans] Fuck the shots, just get me a bottle of Everclear! How about you don't fumble the ball three times in Saints territory?! [Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]
• Calling Adrian Peterson "a fucking idiot who beats his kid."
• Bad memories get dragged up in the 2015-16 NFC Wild Card game, with the Vikings trailing the Seahawks 10-9 with 26 seconds left.
  UT: Look, I know you're getting flashbacks to 1999, but this is a chip shot; you'll be fine. You guys will be celebrating a playoff victory and—(the field goal attempt goes wide left)—OH, MY GOD!!!
  Obi-Wan Kenobi: I felt a great disturbance in the force...as if millions of voices suddenly cried out—(numerous fan-cam windows of people reacting poorly to the loss)—and were suddenly silenced.
  UT: You know how to not get in this situation? If AP actually fucking does something!
• Quarterback woes aplenty!
  AUGUST 30, 2016
  UT: At least this Bridgewater guy looks promising...(Sickening "Crunch!")
  Headline: TEDDY BRIDGEWATER SUFFERS DISLOCATED KNEE, TORN ACL
  UT: ARE YOU SHITTING ME??
  SEPTEMBER 3RD, 2016
  UT: YOU SENT A KING'S RANSOM FOR SAM BRADFORD.^note The Vikings gave the Eagles a first-round pick in the 2017 draft, and a fourth round pick for 2018. The Eagles paid $11 million in return. Heavens to fucking Murgatroyd...
• But the Vikings shake off their quarterback woes and hit the ground running... before tripping over their own shoelaces and faceplanting.
  WEEK 5, 2016 SEASON
  UT: [over footage of the Vikings beating the Texans] The Vikings are 5-0. This is honestly kind of surprising. You've got playoffs in your future!
  WEEK 16, 2016 SEASON
  UT: [over footage of the Vikings losing to the Packers] You lost eight of ten. [sound of beer can being opened and poured into a glass] Vikings gonna Viking...
• Referring to team owner Zygi Wilf as a "Waluigi-looking motherfucker."
• Special mention should go to the comments section, which frequently provides "updates" to the Vikings' LoF.
  • From being blown out 38-7 against the Philadelphia Eagles in the 2018 NFC Championship Game, completely wasting the Minneapolis Miracle play against the Saints the previous week (not to mention those same Eagles going on to win Super Bowl LII two weeks later in the Vikings' own home stadium)...
  • ...to signing Kirk Cousins^note Known for being a mediocre quarterback in Washington at the time as quarterback for the 2018 season only to wind up losing the final playoff spot on the final week of the season to, you guessed it, the Eagles...
  • ...to managing to upset the 13-3 New Orleans Saints on the road in the Wild Card Round in the 2019-20 Playoffs only to get a Call-Back to their '80s playoff losses against the 49ers in the next round...
  • ...to losing to the winless Detroit Lions during the 2021 regular season...
  • ...to winning the NFC North in 2022 only to lose in the Wild Card Round to the Giants on a pathetic check down pass from Cousins...
  • ...to starting off the 2023 season 1-4, but turning around and being given a chance to usurp their brethren, the surprisingly powerful Detroit Lions, for the NFC North title, only to lose the game against them and hand Detroit their first division title in 30 years.

The St. Louis Blues (1967-2019)

• "Never has there been a more fitting name for a team than the Blues."
• The Blues made the first three Stanley Cup finals of the Expansion Era. All three ended badly...
  1968
  UT: You actually make the Stanley Cup finals in your first year of existence. Sure, you're in a conference with all the other expansion teams, and you're projected to get destroyed, but it's still admirable. Maybe you can shock the world...
  STANLEY CUP FINALS, 1968
  UT: Unfortunately, reality sets in and you're swept by the Canadiens.
  1969
  UT: Rebound and make the finals again next year. Your team is even stronger now, so you have a fighting chance.
  STANLEY CUP FINALS, 1969
  UT: Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
  1970
  UT: All right. Three straight years in the final. Let's hope you can actually win a game.
  STANLEY CUP FINALS, 1970
  UT: You get swept by the Bruins. Yeah...that◊ goal.
• The penny-pinching hell that was being owned by Ralston-Purina, pet food manufacturers. And one of the splash screens is a kitten eating during a "Tender Vittles" commercial.
• The atrocious Blues teams of the late 1970s...
  UT: [over footage of a bench-clearing brawl with the Rangers] You are TERRIBLE. Completely and objectively terrible. Enjoy the basement, Blues fans!
• At one point, the Blues teased relocating...
  APRIL 21, 1983
  UT: Congratulations! You get to move to the greener pastures of Saskatoon?!
  Narrator: Two hours later...
  UT: ...never mind; the NHL has come to their senses and are forcing you to stay in St. Louis.
  JUNE 1983
  UT: Enjoy the stress of having the team potentially contract as a reward! Have things get so bad that the owners padlock the arena and the Blues don't even participate in the draft.
  JUNE 13, 1983
  UT: Strip everything clean to the point that the NHL tells Ralston Purina to fuck off!
• Tree gets multiple Running Gags out of the fact that part of the pain of the Blues' fifty-plus years of playoff futility is they keep losing to the same few teams.
  • Like the Chicago Blackhawks...
    1973
    UT: It's now the Black Hawks' turn to kick your ass.
    [...]
    1980
    UT: Emerge from the doldrums at the turn of the decade... and get swept by the Black Hawks again.
    [...]
    1982
    UT: In fact, get eliminated by the Black Hawks again!
    1983
    UT: And again.
    [...]
    1989
    UT: Go back in time to the early '80s and get eliminated by the Blackhawks^note The rename from "Black Hawks" to "Blackhawks" occurred in 1986. in the second round.
    [...]
    1990
    UT: Enjoy the Blackhawk pain again. This time, getting obliterated by them in Game 7.
    [...]
    1992
    UT: In fact, get bested by those fucking Blackhawks again.
    [...]
    2014
    UT: [over footage of the Blackhawks-Blues first round series] You have another great regular season. You already know how this story plays out.
  • Or the Minnesota North Stars/Dallas Stars...
    1971
    UT: You also lose in the first round to Minnesota.
    [...]
    1984
    UT: Reward your fanbase's patience [over the chaos of the summer of 1983] with a gut-wrenching loss to the North Stars. In an overtime Game 7.
    1985
    UT: Heal these wounds by getting swept by that team the very next year.
    [...]
    1991
    UT: Another outstanding regular season. Another elimination in the second round. Once again... to the North Stars.
    [...]
    1994
    UT: Shed that painful loss [to Toronto in seven games in 1993]. Only to get swept by the Stars.
    [...]
    1999
    UT: You crush the hopes and dreams of the Coyotes in an overtime Game 7. Maybe this is the year you go places... or lose in six to the goddamn Stars again. Oh look, your old star Brett Hull won a Cup with them too.
  • Or the Detroit Red Wings...
    1988
    UT: The good news is that you actually beat the Blackhawks in a series. The bad news is that you get smacked around by the Red Wings the next round.
    [...]
    1996
    UT: All right. You're going all in this year. Keenan has all but cloned the '94 Rangers formula of '80s Oilers and early '90s Blackhawks players. He may have gutted the team he started with, but you got the fucking Great One at the deadline to help complement the Golden Brett. Now go and get that Cup!
    Gary Thorne^note NHL announcer for ESPN: [over footage of Steve Yzerman's double-overtime winner in Game 7 for the Red Wings over the Blues in the Western Conference Semifinals] Gretzky had it, lost it, Yzerman picks it up. Yzerman moving, blue line chance, SCORE!!!!!! Steve Yzerman, Detroit wins!!!
    UT: I forgot to ask—how's that Gretzky trade working out?
    JULY 21, 1996
    [snippets of an article detailing Keenan's terrible handling of Gretzky's contract appear, with Gretzky wanting nothing to do with any team Keenan runs]
    UT: "He signed with the Rangers because of management," you say...
    DECEMBER 20, 1996
    UT: Turns out Mike Keenan was cancer incarnate. Who saw that one coming?
    1997
    UT: Last year was brutal for you guys. You get consolation though: losing to the Red Wings again!
    1998
    UT: Last year was brutal for you guys. You get consolation though: losing to the Red Wings again!
    [...]
    2002
    UT: [bored] Oh look, you get to lose to the Red Wings again.
  • Or the Vancouver Canucks...
    1995
    UT: [Newly-appointed coach Mike Keenan] leads you to a seven-game loss to the Canucks in the first round.
    [...]
    2003
    UT: You're up three games to one against the Canucks. To no-one's surprise, you completely take the piss.
    [...]
    2010
    UT: You made the playoffs again. You get swept by the Canucks. It's like you were never there...
  • Or the San Jose Sharks...
    2000
    UT: You're going places now. You're the Presidents' Trophy winner, with elite goaltending, Joel Quenneville, Norris winner Chris Pronger, and Pavol Demitra. This is truly the year... that you fall to the Sharks in the first round. For fuck's sake... [Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]
    [...]
    2004
    UT: [Joel Quenneville getting fired] doesn't matter because you still get your heads crushed by the Sharks.
    [...]
    2016
    UT: Ugh, you're blowing a three to one series lead to the Blackhawks!? Just get it over with so I can get the liquor... [Troy Brouwer scores the winning goal for the Blues in Game 7] Wait... the Blues didn't fail? They're playing in the conference final against the Sharks of all teams?! By the gods, someone is shedding their "choker" label this year!
    WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS, 2016
    UT: Unfortunately, it's not you!...
  • Intercut with the Blues' playoff failures are numerous references to former coaches and players who won Stanley Cups after leaving St. Louis, such as Scotty Bowman (1973 and 1976-79 Canadiens, 1992 Penguins, 1997-98 and 2002 Red Wings), Al Arbour (1980-83 Islanders), multiple players^note Joe Mullen, Doug Gilmour, Rob Ramage, Mark Hunter, Ric Nattress, Rick Walmsley on the 1989 Flames team, Scott Stevens (1995, 2000, and 2003 Devils), Brendan Shanahan (1997-98 and 2002 Red Wings), Brett Hull (1999 Stars and 2002 Red Wings), Rod Brind'Amour, Doug Weight (both 2006 Hurricanes), Chris Pronger (2007 Ducks), and Joel Quenneville (2010, 2013, and 2015 Blackhawks).^note This gets a Call-Back in "This Week in Sportsball: NHL Free Agency Edition" when he notes that the 2018 Capitals include former Blues T.J. Oshie, Lars Eller, and Todd Reirden.
• On Ken Hitchcock's firing: "The Blues are playing like bird shit right now. Fuck it, Snorlax is gone!"
• Let's take a look at the final scores:
  ST. LOUIS BLUES SCOREBOARD (AS OF JUNE 2017)

  PLAYOFF RECORD: 164-201
  PLAYOFF SERIES RECORD: 27-42
  STANLEY CUP FINALS RECORD: 0-12
  GAME SEVEN RECORD: 6-8
  # OF TIMES SWEPT: 11
  # OF FIRST AND SECOND ROUND ELIMINATIONS: 35
  PAIN RATING: S
  UT: At this rate they may as well move to Saskatoon...

The Atlanta Falcons

• Even by the usual low standards of expansion franchises, the Falcons take a long time to reach basic levels of franchise competence, and when they do, the results are a harbinger of things to come...
  LATE 1960'S
  UT: The Falcons start off as the NFL's punching bag in the late 1960s, literally one of the worst starts for a team before the Buccaneers come around.^note The Falcons lost their first nine games in their inaugural season (the Buccaneers nearly tripled that losing streak on joining the NFL ten years later) and managed a pathetic twelve wins total in their first four seasons, six of them coming in the 1969 season.
  EARLY 1970'S
  UT: Norm Van Brocklin leads you out of the basement... and into the fringe hell that is mediocrity.
  1973
  UT: It's not all bad, though; there's promise here. The Falcons go 9-5 and they have some good pieces on defence. Next year you'll make the playoffs!
  1974
  UT: I spoke a tad prematurely. You become a steaming pile of shit at 3-11 and your offence sets records for ineptitude.^note A total of 111 points and twelve touchdowns, the worst for a 14-game season until the 1977 Buccaneers scored 103 points and eleven touchdowns. Norm Van Brocklin is shown the guillotine.
  MID 1970'S
  UT: Your next coach is Marion Campbell. You remain in the basement feeding off of the rats.
  1977
  UT: Your defence is one of the best the game has ever seen. Too bad the Falcons couldn't score on a hooker and they don't sniff the postseason.^note The defence, known to fans as the Grits Blitz, allowed just 129 points all season, the fewest in the league. Unfortunately, the offence only put up 179 points, the third fewest in the league, and the Falcons finished 7-7.
  1978
  UT: [as the Falcons defeat the Eagles 14-13 in the Wild Card game]^note This was not only the Falcons' first playoff game, but also the Eagles' first playoff game since winning the 1960 NFL Championship game, the MVP in which was future Falcons coach Norm Van Brocklin. By God, you actually did something and made the playoffs? And you won a playoff game? Only took ya twelve years...
  NFC DIVISIONAL ROUND, 1978 PLAYOFFS
  UT: You may actually win another playoff game; you're up seven at half-time! But the Cowboys come back and win in the second half. This hopefully WON'T become a theme with the Falcons.
• The Falcons look like Super Bowl contenders in the 1980-81 season. Then comes the NFC divisional round and a rematch with Dallas...
  1980
  UT: You're finally a Super Bowl contender with a pinnacle 12-4 season, Pro Bowl quarterback Steve Bartkowski, a dual threat running back tandem of Willie Andrews and Lynn Cain, receiving threats Junior Miller, Alfred Jenkins, and Wallace Francis, and a strong defence. You're up by 14 in the fourth quarter against the Cowboys. Just drive it home.
  [the Cowboys' Robert Newhouse runs the final yard for a touchdown]
  UT: [as the Falcons' Tim Mazzetti kicks a 34-yard field goal] Eh, I'm not worried, the Falcons got a field goal on their next drive. As long as the offence keeps clicking, they're good to go.
  [the Cowboys' Drew Pearson catches a 14-yard touchdown pass from Danny White]
  UT: Uhhh... Falcons? You gonna respond? At least try to save the game!
  [Pearson catches a 23-yard touchdown pass from White to give the Cowboys the lead]
  UT: [with mounting disgust] Oh God... oh God!... Ohhh!... Ohhh! Fucking brutal! [Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]
• Two years later, they're back in contention... and straight back out again.
  1982
  UT: All right. You made the playoffs again. You're up by 5 against Bud Grant's old Vikings at the start of the fourth. Time to get revenge. [the Vikings' Sam McCullum catches an 11-yard touchdown pass from Tommy Kramer] You blew another lead, eh. [as the Falcons' Mick Luckhurst kicks a 41-yard field goal] Whatever, you got a field goal and they have to drive the length of the field. It's going to take a total collapse for them to- [the Vikings' Ted Brown runs the last 5 yards for a touchdown] You blew another lead, eh.
• Like most legacies of failure, the Falcons get rid of a generational talent before he hits his peak. As if that wasn't bad enough, his replacement is certifiably carcinogenic, and the promising early careers of the leaders of the "new Falcon generation" are squandered, causing them to leave for greener pastures:
  1992
  UT: It's the start of a new Falcon generation led by "Bad Moon" Rison and Prime Time.^note Sanders was drafted by the Falcons in the first round in 1989; Rison was drafted later in the first round by the Colts, but was traded to the Falcons after his first season for... well, read on. You got back to the playoffs and actually won another playoff game! Unfortunately, you get scalped by the Redskins in the next round.
  FEBRUARY 11, 1992
  UT: This Brett Favre guy is a headcase that doesn't give a shit about the game of football. Exile him to Hell on Earth! Also known as Green Bay.^note At the time, the Packers were in the doldrums, with only six winning seasons and two postseason appearances (one in the strike-shortened 1982 season) since Vince Lombardi retired in 1968; unfortunately for the Falcons, Favre's arrival sparked a revival in the team's fortunes.
  MARCH 25, 1994
  UT: Turns out you're mediocre again. Time to bring a jolt to the team: the cancer known as Jeff George!^note Part of the package the Falcons traded to the Colts for Andre Rison (among others) included their first round draft pick in 1990; the Colts traded upwards to get the first pick overall, which they used to draft George. The fact that his tenure in Indianapolis bottomed out with his refusal to attend training camp for the 1993 season should have tipped off the Falcons as to what lay in store...
  1995
  UT: Andre Rison and Prime Time may be gone but you still snuck into the playoffs. Remember that Brett Favre guy? He kicks your ass all over the field in the Wild Card game.^note Though he had to wait another year before winning his first (and only) Super Bowl ring. Sanders and Rison likewise won rings after leaving Atlanta; Sanders with the 49ers in Super Bowl XXIX and the Cowboys in Super Bowl XXX, Rison with Favre and the Packers in Super Bowl XXXI.
  SEPTEMBER 22, 1996
  UT: [over footage of George arguing with Falcons coach June Jones on the sidelines during a loss to the Eagles, coupled with headlines announcing his suspension and subsequent release by the Falcons] Jeff George reveals himself to be a team cancer. In other news, grass is green.
• At last, the Falcons make it to the Super Bowl! The end result is predictable, as is their return to anonymity the following season...
  1998
  UT: [over footage of Falcons' 30-27 overtime win over the Vikings in the NFC Championship Game]^note Previously seen from the Vikings' perspective in "The Minnesota Vikings: A Legacy of Failure". By God. You not only won another playoff game, you made the Super Bowl. Most of it is due to the Vikings choking on their own shit, but you're respectable in your own right. You're the loveable underdog, the goddamn Dirty Bird. Now bring that Lombardi Trophy back to Atlanta.
  SUPER BOWL XXXIII
  UT: The Cinderella story strikes twelve and they get smashed by the Broncos.^note Final score: Denver 34, Atlanta 19. Better luck next year, boys.
  1999
  UT: Or just go 5-11. You can do that.
• Ownership changes hands after three and a half decades, and Tree notices a resemblance between the new owner, Home Depot co-founder Arthur Blank, and, well...
  DECEMBER 17, 2001
  UT: Congratulations! The meddlesome Smith family^note Led by Taylor Smith, son of Falcons founding owner Rankin Smith. has sold the Falcons to a Gomez Addams doppelganger!
• Led by No. 1 draft pick Michael Vick, the Falcons make two deep playoff runs in the early 2000s, both of which end the same way. Sandwiched in the middle is a vintage Falcons season:
  2002
  UT: Vick's electrifying play leads you back to the playoffs in his second season. You actually beat that fucking Favre guy in a playoff game, too. Only a brick wall could stop you... its name is "the Eagles".^note As documented in "Andy Reid: A Legacy of Failure", the Eagles went on to lose the NFC Championship Game to the Buccaneers.
  2003
  UT: [over a shot of Vick on the sidelines in a wheelchair with his leg in a cast] Michael Vick is going to lead you to greatness. He gets injured, you start the season off 2-10, Dan Reeves is flogged publicly in Olympic Park, and the defence is a turnstile. Such greatness.
  2004
  UT: Things get back on track and you make the playoffs again. Vick emerges as one of the great runners in the league, and you put up 47 points against the Rams, of all teams. Only a brick wall could stop you... its name is "the Eagles".^note This time, Reid led the Eagles to a loss in Super Bowl XXXIX to the Patriots.
• The Falcons promptly regress to the mean, and just as they seem about to turn around, Vick goes from valuable asset to toxic liability. And as if that weren't bad enough, their head coach likewise hits the headlines for all the wrong reasons:
  MID 2000'S
  UT: Turns out that the team doesn't have much else besides Vick and they're a gigantic blob of "meh". That's what happens when you put all of your eggs in one basket.
  2007 OFFSEASON
  UT: At least you've got him. The dude may not be the greatest thrower, but he's still one of the most electrifying players in the game. Matt Schaub is being blocked by him, so we can trade him to the Texans. You've got one of the hottest coaches in college football in Bobby Petrino. This is the year.
  Headline: NFL QUARTERBACK MICHAEL VICK INDICTED IN DOG FIGHTING CASE
  UT: [over footage of Vick arriving at the courthouse during his trial] Too bad Michael Vick likes his dog fighting rings. Fucking idiot.
  DECEMBER 12, 2007
  UT: Bobby Petrino turns out to be a complete disaster in Atlanta. Who knew that big-time college coaches rarely pan out at the professional level?
  [an entire roomful of people at Petrino's introduction as head coach at the University of Arkansas raise their hands as though answering Tree's question]^note Emphasis on "as though", as in context, they were simply cheering Petrino's appointment.
  2007
  UT: They go 4-12 on the field, but that's just like finding out you lost your remote after the goddamn house burned down.
• Tree's enthusiasm for Vick's replacement is muted - and with good reason, as it turns out, as he can't save the Falcons from themselves:
  2008 NFL DRAFT
  UT: Time to get another QB in the draft. This Matt Ryan guy will do.
  2008
  UT: You get back to the playoffs under his and Michael Turner's guidance - and you have another lead at half-time!... oh, you blew it? At least it was only a three-point one this time...^note They led the Cardinals 17-14 at half-time in their Wild Card game, but went on to lose 30-24 in overtime.
• After nearly four and a half decades, a minor miracle - so minor Tree can't resist snarking:
  2009
  UT: You finally got back-to-back winning seasons for the first time in franchise history? What do you want, a fucking trophy?
  [the "YOU'RE WINNER !" trophy from Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing appears on screen, with the additional caption "WOW! YOU DON'T SUCK!"]
• The entire back end of the video is dedicated to the epic collapse of the Falcons to the Patriots in Super Bowl LI. One can tell that Tree had the time of his life while doing this part.
  2016
  UT: The Falcons shock the goddamn world and make the Super Bowl with one of the greatest offenses the league has seen since the turn of the millennium. The Patriots' time is up. It's time for Atlanta to emerge as a champion!
  SUPER BOWL LI
  UT: (as Matt Ryan fires a 6-yard pass to Tevin Coleman, who runs into the end zone to make the score Falcons 28, Patriots 3 with 8:31 remaining in the third quarter) They're doing so well right now; the Falcons have a 25-point lead in the third quarter of play. Oh, you thought I was just going to GLANCE over this?! Bitch, you don't know this channel! This is a special moment in sports. Time to amplify the pain! (cue clip from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest of McMurphy getting electroshock therapy, with a Falcons logo superimposed on his face)
  THIRD QUARTER, 2:06 REMAINING
  UT: New England charges down the field in six minutes and James White runs into the endzone for a 5-yard gain. The Falcons do fuck-all on the next drive. (score: Falcons 28, Patriots 9)
  FOURTH QUARTER, 9:44 REMAINING
  UT: The Patriots charge down the field but are forced to settle for a field goal after a nice redzone stand. Keep getting points, Falcons; you're still good. (score: Falcons 28, Patriots 12)
  FOURTH QUARTER, 8:31 REMAINING
  UT: This is when Devonte Freeman imitates a swinging door^note Caption: A++ TURNSTILE, WOULD USE IN WESTERN SALOON and the Patriots get the ball back on a fumble recovery. Fucking Freeman...
  FOURTH QUARTER, 6:00 REMAINING (shows footage of a building being demolished)
  UT: The Patriots strike with precision and tack 8 points on the board. (score: Falcons 28, Patriots 20)
  FOURTH QUARTER, 4:47 REMAINING
  (Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan completes a spectacular catch to Julio Jones)
  UT: God damn what a catch by Julio! This should put the game away, for sure. Just run the ball, burn the clock out, and kick a field goal to end the madness.
  FOURTH QUARTER, 3:56 REMAINING
  UT: Why the fuck are you passing? Why the fuck did you just put yourselves out of field goal range?! Shanahan, you arrogant fucking idiot!
  FOURTH QUARTER, 3:50 REMAINING
  UT: Oh, turns out I was premature, and you got back into field goal range. There was a holding penalty? Fuck.
  FOURTH QUARTER, 3:44 REMAINING
  UT: You blow the drive and you're forced to punt. The Patriots have to drive over 90 yards, though; just stop them somewhere and you're good.
  FOURTH QUARTER, 3:17 REMAINING
  UT: ...or allow them to convert a 3rd and 10.
  FOURTH QUARTER, 2:28 REMAINING (shows footage of another building collapsing on itself)
  UT: (ethereal music cues up) BEHOLD, THE GLORIOUS CATCH OF JULIAN EDELMAN! BEHOLD ITS MAJESTY! LOOK AT IT, YOU FILTHY CASUALS! BEHOLD!
  Caption: HOW DOES ATLANTA NOT INTERCEPT THAT PASS?
  FOURTH QUARTER, 1:00 REMAINING (shows footage of a third building collapsing)
  UT: They drive the length of the field and tie it up with a minute to spare. The Falcons do nothing with the next drive, and it goes to OT. (score: Falcons 28, Patriots 28) At this point, every Falcons fan is saying:
  (Cue footage of Alex DeLarge being subjected to The Ludovico Technique)
  Alex: (with a Falcons logo over his face) STOP IT! STOP IT, PLEASE! I BEG YOU!
  UT: But I lean down, and I say: "...no!"
  OVERTIME (shows a classical painting of Rome burning)
  UT: The Patriots win the coin toss and proceed to pick the Falcons' defense apart for the length of the field.
  OVERTIME, 11:18 REMAINING (shows footage of the I-85 arson and bridge collapse in Atlanta)
  UT: Oh, look, a pass interference penalty.
  OVERTIME, 11:08 REMAINING
  (The final play of the Super Bowl: James White runs the last two yards for a touchdown. Final score: Falcons 28, Patriots 34)
  (As warning sirens and the famed "DUNNNN" sound effect from Inception sound, the Billy Madison "YOU BLEW IT!" clip starts appearing on the screen repeatedly, crowding out the footage on-screen.)
  Caption: KEEP SAYING HIS KNEE WAS DOWN. YOU WERE LOSING THIS GAME REGARDLESS.
  (Eventually, it shifts to an Earth-Shattering Kaboom—Smoke's blow-up-the-world fatality from Mortal Kombat 3)
  Shao Kahn: (mocking laughter) That was pathetic!
  Caption: CONGLATURATION!
  Caption: THE FALCONS' HOPE IS NO MORE!
  Caption: THE LEGACY OF FAILURE IS FINALLY FORGED!
  Caption: IS PEKKA RINNE STILL TOO GOOD RIGHT NOW?

The Texas Rangers (1961-2023)

• "Ah, the Rangers. Proof that even the failure is bigger in Texas. Grab the popcorn. It's time to open the history books of pain and misery!"
• In their original incarnation as the Washington Senators 2.0, the team spends much of its time in the basement and during that time, the fans "enjoy[ed] ownership hot potato and incompetent management". Hiring a baseball legend as their manager turns things around... for all of one season:
  1968 OFFSEASON
  UT: You need a big hire to help you get out of this. Go and get the G.O.A.T. of baseball in Ted Williams to be your manager!
  1969
  UT: Good job! You have a record over .500 and you don't suck.^note They finished with an 86-76 (.530) record. It was the Senators 2.0's only winning season before they left Washington. They still finished fourth out of six teams in the AL East (1969 being the first year the National and American Leagues were split into East and West divisions).
  1970
  UT: Turns out that year was a fluke and Ted Williams actually doesn't give a shit about managing. Back to the basement!
• When the Senators 2.0 finally leave Washington DC, the farewell is...emotional, but not in the way they thought. They proceed to pick up where they left off once they arrive in Texas:
  SEPTEMBER 20TH, 1971
  UT: Good news: Bob Short is packing your bags from this hellhole; you're going to Arlington!
  SEPTEMBER 30TH, 1971
  UT: Their final game in DC is a total disaster, where thousands of fans walk in free of charge because security decided to give zero fucks and walk out. Fans are so elated with the team and their move that they storm the field and loot it of all possessions before the game ends. I'd do the same thing if I wouldn't have shitty baseball for a few decades...
  EARLY 1970S
  UT: Leave a lasting first impression in Texas with consecutive 100-loss seasons. The G.O.A.T. is sent to slaughter in the meantime.
• The Rangers are among the teams who get screwed over when players' strikes lead to interrupted seasons.
  • Once in the 1980s...
    1983^note Tree goofs here; the strike that divided the season into two halves happened in 1981, not 1983.
    UT: Damn. You are so close to winning the West in the first half and clinching a playoff spot!... oh, there was a players' strike, and you finish in second? At least there's a second half?
    SECOND HALF, 1983
    UT: And you play like shit. No playoffs once again!^note To compensate for the interruption, the winners of each division for the first and second halves of the season played each other in a preliminary round. In the AL West, the teams in question were the Oakland Athletics and the Kansas City Royals; the Athletics won in a sweep.
  • ... and once in the 1990s:
    1994
    UT: Interesting. You're in contention for the division title. You aren't that good, but you may actually make it to the promised land for once.^note All four AL West teams had losing records when the players' strike hit; the Rangers were closest to .500 at 52-62. ... nope, never mind, the MLB locked the door and told all the teams to fuck off. No playoffs once again!
• On the Rangers teams of the early 1980s: "Look at all this middling futility! LOOK AT IT!"
• No legacy of failure would be complete without a generational talent being cast aside before he hits his peak:^note And getting him back after said peak.
  UT: This Sammy Sosa guy is terrible. Let's trade him!
  2007
  UT: We need to atone for past mistakes. Let’s bring back Slammin Sammy! It does not save you from the clutches of mediocrity.
• "Bash Brother" Jose Canseco is traded from the Athletics to the Rangers in the middle of a game against the Orioles in August 1992; this sets the tone for his career in Arlington. In late May 1993, he seems to hit bottom with what is still seen as one of the most hilarious fielding gaffes in MLB history - and then things go From Bad to Worse just three days later:
  MAY 26, 1993
  UT: Let's take a look at hot new acquisition Jose Canseco!
  [the Cleveland Indians' Carlos Martinez hits the ball to right field; as Canseco goes to the wall to catch it, it bounces off his head and over the wall for a home run, accompanied by the Super Mario Bros. "Mario hitting head on unbreakable block" sound]
  UT: Sounds like a lot of the Rangers' personnel decisions over the years.
  MAY 29, 1993
  UT: [as Canseco takes the mound during the eighth inning of a 15-1 drubbing by the Boston Red Sox] So they're sending out Jose Canseco to pitch, huh. Oh, it's a blowout, nothing bad can come out of this.
  Headline: [over Sickening "Crunch!" and yell of pain] CANSECO OUT FOR SEASON AFTER SURGERY TO RECONSTRUCT HIS PITCHING ELBOW
  UT: I didn't mean that kind of blowout!
• Two and a half months after Canseco's double humiliation, it's veteran pitcher Nolan Ryan's turn to make headlines for the wrong reasons:
  AUGUST 4, 1993
  [the Chicago White Sox' Robin Ventura, having just been hit in the arm by an errant pitch from Ryan, stomps up to the mound and tries to attack Ryan, who gets him in a headlock and starts thumping him as players on both teams try to separate them]
  UT: This is the best moment your franchise has had so far. Be proud of it. Make it a statue outside of the stadium, for fuck's sake!
• It finally happens and the Rangers make the postseason:
  1996
  UT: Turns out you're not humdrum anymore. You actually made the playoffs! What kind of a world are we living in?!
  ALDS GAME ONE, 1996
  UT: YOU'VE WON A PLAYOFF GAME~! (The word CONGLATURATION! flashes on the screen as fireworks go off, children cheer, confetti flies, and a cheap noisemaker sounds)
  ALDS GAME FOUR, 1996
  UT: The hangover lasts far too long and you lose the next three to the Yankees. Too bad.
• And one of the Rangers' many mistakes come back to bite them on the ass:
  The Late Nineties
  UT: How did that Sammy Sosa guy ever turn out anyway?
• With the team regressing to mediocrity, their solution is to throw money at everything. It works about as well as you would expect.
  DECEMBER 12, 2000
  UT: Unfortunately, you’re back to that horrific futility that plagued you for decades. It’s time to fight fire with fire. Throw an exorbitant shitload of money to acquire the services of A-Rod in free agency!
  2001
  UT: So you need more than one elite player to succeed in a team sport such as baseball, huh?
  JANUARY 16, 2002
  UT: Our pitching has been godawful as of late. We have the solution! Dumping a dump truck full of money on Chan Ho Park!
  2002
  UT: He becomes regurgitated puppy chow in Texas. Woof.
  FEBRUARY 15, 2004
  UT: Looks like ownership has pissed off A-Rod and his contract has become an albatross on the team. Those Damn Yankees are willing to take on his contract though. Time to trade him for our new star Alfonso Soriano!
• 2011 World Series Game 6, they have a 3-2 lead against the St. Louis Cardinals and they're down to their final strike. The championship is all but theirs...
  WORLD SERIES GAME SIX, 2011
  UT: Alright. They're down to their final strike. YOU GOT THIS.
  [On a 1-2 pitch, David Freese hits an RBI triple just out of the reach of Nelson Cruz, knocking in two runs and tying the game at 7-7]
  UT: Defensive replacements? What the fuck are those?
  [In the top of the 10th, the Rangers retaliate with a Josh Hamilton 2-run home run, making the score 9-7]
  UT: HA HA! THERE IT IS, BABY! LET'S FUCKING GO!
  [The scene switches to the bottom of the 10th, with the Rangers leading 9-8]
  UT: Take two. They're down to their final strike AGAIN. FOOT ON THE THROAT.
  [Lance Berkman proceeds to tie the game again, 9-9, with an RBI single]
  UT: What kind of pitch was that?!
  [cut to bottom of the 11th inning, where the score is still 9-9 where David Freese is up and has a full count]
  UT: You aren't going to choke in this inning, you're fine. This is David Freese, he's a scrub. He's not owning you like the Yankees!
  [Freese hits a walk-off solo home run to win the game for the Cardinals 10-9]
  UT: Please excuse me, I have a hot date with some cider. Don't fuck up game seven, will you?
  WORLD SERIES GAME SEVEN, 2011
  [Cardinals get the final out to win 6-2]
  UT: And you lay the biggest of eggs. You know what?! You deserve this embarrassment! Get fucked with a pike! David fucking Freese, what a joke.
• Right after that, they're so close to going back to the playoffs in 2012...
  2012
  UT: At least you're putting [choking to the Cardinals in the 2011 series] behind you. You're up by five games in the division with ten days left in the season. Ron Washington isn't going to let you crumble. You guys are championship material, for gods' sake!
  OCTOBER 3, 2012
  UT: You lost seven of your last nine and blow a 5-to-1 lead in the final game to piss away the division lead. That takes talent to fuck up like that. Now you have to deal with this new fandangled Wild Card game.
  OCTOBER 5, 2012
  [Orioles get the final out to win 5-1]
  UT: They get embarrassed at home by the Orioles. (cut-in of a bunch of men Sarcastic Clapping, soon followed by the classic "YOU BLEW IT!")
• The Rangers reach the American League Divisional Series in 2015 and win the first two games against the Toronto Blue Jays, only to lose the next two. In the bottom of the seventh inning in the deciding game in "Canadia", they outdo themselves - in all the wrong ways:
  ALDS GAME FIVE, 2015
  [footage of Blue Jays catcher Russell Martin trying to throw the ball to pitcher Aaron Sanchez after he has thrown a second ball to the Rangers' Shin-Soo Choo, only to hit Choo's bat hand and allow his teammate, Rougned Odor, to run home from third base in the ensuing confusion; the run stands despite a protest from the Blue Jays]
  UT: Whew! You've taken the lead in the seventh inning. Get shit done for once in your fucking lives, boys.
  [Martin, now batting for the Blue Jays, hits a grounder to shortstop Elvis Andrus - who drops it, allowing Martin to get on base]
  UT: Uh, how does a defensive ace like Andrus boot that ground ball?
  [the next batter, Kevin Pillar, hits a grounder to first baseman Mitch Moreland, who throws to Andrus at second base... and Andrus drops the ball again, allowing Pillar to get on base and Martin to reach second]
  UT: What in the literal fuck is going on? Why are you prolapsing now? Fucking NOW!?
  [the next batter, Ryan Goins, bunts, and third baseman Adrian Beltré throws the ball to Andrus at third base... only for Andrus to drop the ball yet again, allowing the Blue Jays to load the bases]
  UT: What?! WHAT?! How are you taking the piss this badly!
  [off-screen, the next batter, Ben Revere, hits a grounder that results in Martin being tagged out at home plate, but the bases are still loaded as Josh Donaldson hits a fly ball toward centre field... that misses Rougned Odor's glove by inches, allowing Pillar to get home and tie the score at 3-3]
  UT: What in the literal fuck am I even watching right now?! [Odor recovers and gets Revere out at second; there are now two outs, Goins is on third, Donaldson is on first] But you know what, fuck it, just get Joey Bauts out here and regroup in the—[over a scream sound effect, Jose Bautista hits a home run to give the Blue Jays a 6-3 lead] And there goes whatever dignity this organisation had left. [Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]
  MAY 15, 2016
  [A brawl breaks out between the Texas Rangers and Toronto Blue Jays, centered around Odor and Bautista at second base]
  UT: Turns out Bautista's bat flip broke some unwritten rule and Rougned Odor is out for blood. At least you won the moral battle or something like that...[slow motion shot of Odor punching the helmet and sunglasses off Bautista's head]
• A year later, the Blue Jays and the Rangers are in the ALDS again. This time, the Rangers embarrass themselves in Game 3:
  ALDS, 2016
  UT: They're back in the playoffs as the top seed in the AL and they're facing the Blue Jays again. It's time to go out and get some revenge!
  [in the bottom of the tenth inning with the score 6-6, one out, Donaldson at second, and Edwin Encarnacion at first, Martin hits a grounder to Andrus, who throws to Odor, who gets Encarnacion out at second and tries to throw to Moreland at first, but botches the throw, causing Moreland to drop the ball; he recovers and throws to home plate, but Donaldson gets there before the ball to win the game]
  UT: I was worried for a moment that you figured out baseball fundamentals in the clutch. Enjoy the sweep!

Andy Reid (1999-2020)

• Three straight years in the NFC Championship Game, all of which end in miserable failure.
  2001
  UT: Holy shit, you're doing it. You're taking the conference to task! You're about to upend The Greatest Show on Turf in the NFC Championship Game! ...The Eagles are then introduced to the glory of Reid and give up 16 unanswered points. More pain for Philly!
  2002
  UT: All right, you're at home this time against the Buccaneers. Tampa Bay is notoriously awful in the cold and you have Philly faithful on your side. [cut to the infamous 92-yard interception with less than 3:30 to go in the game while already down 20-10] The team goes full Reid in the second half as the Bucs make you walk the plank!
  2003
  UT: Third straight year in the NFC Championship. This time it's Donovan McNabb's turn to don the choking hab and throw three picks against the Panthers. Philly responds by killing themselves en masse!
• After their fourth straight NFC Championship Game appearance, the Eagles finally make the Super Bowl...
  2004
  UT: You finally got it done at home for once. You've made it to the Super Bowl. You have an elite offensive core to help you get past those Boston fucks in the Patriots. Send them back to the British!
  SUPER BOWL XXXIX
  UT: The Patriots respond by forcing you back to Valley Forge as they shell you in a three-pick day for McNabb. Go directly to the choking booth, do not pass Go, do not collect any rings.
• After a disappointing 8-8 campaign in 2011, the Eagles build the "dream team" and hope to improve on that...only to have an even worse 2012, which results in Reid's farewell.
  2012
  UT: The Eagles have done it. They have created the dream team. An all star squad ready to blow up. They do so. By losing 11 of their last 12. Dream team, eh?
  2012 OFFSEASON
  UT: Philly is finally tired of your choking ways, Andy. [Headline: Andy Reid fired as Eagles coach after 14 seasons] You're fired!
• Reid gets back on his feet with "another cursed team" in the Kansas City Chiefs. Redemption is surely on the way! Well... no.
  2013
  UT: You're starting your redemption in style, sir. [Knile Davis catches a 10-yard pass from Alex Smith to give the Chiefs a 38-10 lead early in the third quarter] The Chiefs have a 28-point lead against the Colts in the Wild Card game. [dissolve to later in the third quarter; the score is now 41-24, and Coby Fleener catches a 12-yard pass from Andrew Luck to close the gap to 41-31] This is incredible, the ability of going full Reid has truly passed, you glorious mustachioed bastard. [Luck charges the last 5 yards after a fumble recovery to make the score 41-38; dissolve to later, with the score now 44-38, as Luck launches a pass to T.Y. Hilton] Look at how your team defends this pass to T.Y. Hilton as he scurries off for a 64-yard touchdown run what in the literal fuck am I watching. I cannot comprehend the full Reiding going on. I'm blinded by it. The city of Kansas City once again needs their stomachs pumped. [with the final score 45-44 to Indianapolis, Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]^note It remains the second-biggest blown lead in NFL playoff history, outdone only by "the Comeback", in which the Houston Oilers went from leading 35-3 to losing 41-38 in overtime to the Buffalo Bills in the 1992 AFC Wild Card round.
  2014
  UT: Okay, you've rebooted the system. You're 7-3 and in cruise control.
  2014 WEEK 17
  UT: playoffrun.exe chose to crash again as full Reid came early! You lose four of five and miss the playoffs.

Bruce Boudreau

• Throughout the video, references to choking are compared to barbecue. UT takes the comparisons and runs with them.
  2010
  UT: Washington is the Presidents' Trophy winner and has a commanding 3 games to 1 lead on the Canadiens. Hey, Bruce, whatcha got there? Smoked wings for me? Dude, you shouldn't have!
  EASTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, GAME 5, 2010
  UT: (while eating) Mmmm...oh, dude, these are tasty! Oh~ how do you get these so tender?
  EASTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, GAME 6, 2010
  UT: Oh, god, these are some of the best wings I've ever had. H-Hey, Bruce, you know you just lost your last two to Montreal, right? You're gonna find a way to solve this Halák guy?
  EASTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, GAME 7, 2010
  (footage of the Capitals losing Game 7 to the Canadiens)
  UT: Oh dear fucking god, what a choke-job! How are you going to explain yourself to the masses?! ...Bruce? You okay, dude?
• Boudreau's time in Washington comes to an end...
  NOVEMBER 28, 2011
  UT: The Capitals have shut down and are vastly underperforming expectations early in the season. (Family Feud buzzer)
  Headline: CAPITALS FIRE BRUCE BOUDREAU, NAME DALE HUNTER AS NEW HEAD COACH
  UT: Hope you like the color pink, Bruce.
  Vince McMahon: (with a Capitals logo on his face) YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRED!!!
• But Bruce is only out of a job for two days before the Anaheim Ducks hire him as their head coach. They have a strong postseason tradition, so everything should be smooth sailing for Boudreau, right? Well...
  2013
  UT: See what I mean? Second seed in the Western Conference with a three games to two series lead against a fading Empire. The Ducks make a furious comeback to take it to OT in Game 6. I'm proud of you, man!... where did you get that brisket?... [Henrik Zetterberg fires home an overtime winner for the Red Wings] Just keep it under wraps at Honda Center, okay?
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, GAME SIX, 2013
  UT: Shit! I forgot to cancel the pre-game buffet. Boudreau choked again, God damn it...
• Things pick up the next year and Boudreau guides the Ducks to the Western Conference Semifinals. The familiar narrative plays out again:
  2014
  UT: Now you're even better off. Second best record in the NHL and you won a playoff series. You're taking on those ungrateful swine in the Kings and have another three games to two series lead. I made the effort to cancel the buffet this year. Sorry, Bruce, had to be cautious.
  WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS, GAME SIX, 2014
  UT: The Ducks lose a tightly contested game in Los Angeles, but home ice should turn the tide. All the options are- there's a barbecue festival in town this week?...
  WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS, GAME SEVEN, 2014
  UT: Boudreau goes into a food coma along with the rest of the team and are promptly roasted on the spit by the Kings at home.
• Boudreau finally makes it to the conference finals with the Ducks and has yet another 3-2 series lead. Then the inevitable happens:
  WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS, GAME SIX, 2015
  UT: The Blackhawks dominate Game 6 on the score sheet, which leads to— wait, wait, Bruce, Bruce, what are you doing?! I told you you can't have that, put that fucking sandwich down! Have some self-control for once in your damn life!
  WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS, GAME SEVEN, 2015
  UT: Roses are red, violets are blue, Boudreau chokes on that Game 7 barbecue.
• The next year, the Ducks rack up another 3-2 series lead against the Predators. You already know what happens next:
  2016
  UT: This is a gimme, Anaheim has yet another three games to two series lead against fucking Nashville, of all teams. Little does Brucey boy know I locked up the fridge and chucked the key into a sewer. There's no way they can fail now!
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, GAME SIX, 2016
  UT: ...What the hell do you mean, "he has a secret stash in his office"? Oh, god. OH, GOD!
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, GAME SEVEN, 2016
  UT: You lost ANOTHER home game seven?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! How many times have we had this conversation?! [while showing multiple headlines of Boudreau being fired, complete with buzzers] Get Out!. Get out!! DID I STUTTER, YOU MORIBUND MARSHMALLOW?!?! OUUUUUUUUUUT!!
• Boudreau gets another job, but it's with the Minnesota Wild. His misfortune continues, though...
  2017
  UT: The barbecue man has another great regular season, but come playoff time, the Wild falter yet again. They cannot solve the Rubik's Cube of Jake Allen. They sing the Blues while healthily outplaying them. I do have good news, Bruce: you did not lose a home game seven this year. You were knocked out in a home game five.
  2018
  UT: Minnesota isn't as strong as expected and highly inconsistent, but as long as they avoid your delicious ribs, they have a chance.
  (Dramatic Musical Sting)
  UT: NO, SUTER, DON'T GIVE INTO THE SIREN'S CALL, A TERRIBLE FATE WILL SMITE YOU!
  Headline: (over Sickening "Crunch!", Stock Scream, and "Unit lost!") RYAN SUTER WILL MISS REST OF WILD SEASON BECAUSE OF INJURY
  UT: (despondent) I tried to warn him... I tried so hard...
  APRIL 2018
  UT: It appears that Zach Parise indulged in those ribs as well.
  Headline: (over Sickening "Crunch!", Stock Scream, and "Unit lost!") WILD LOSE ZACH PARISE FOR MULTIPLE WEEKS TO BROKEN STERNUM
  UT: He was punished by the hockey gods accordingly.
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, 2018
  UT: The Wild limp into the playoffs and are Falcon Punched to oblivion by the Jets. This team hadn't won a playoff game, let alone a series in their history.
• Let's take a look at Bruce's final tally...
  BBQ BRUCE CHART (AS OF 2018)

  POSTSEASON RECORD: 43-47
  POSTSEASON PLAYOFF RECORD: 5-10
  3-2 SERIES LEADS BLOWN: FIVE
  SERIES LOSSES WHEN HIGHER SEED: NINE
  GAME SEVEN RECORD: 1-7
  BBQ RATING: ATOMIC
  UT: SURVEY SAYS! (Family Feud buzzer)
  George Carlin: GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!

The San Jose Sharks

• Tree opens by saying that the Sharks may have only existed since 1991, but they still qualify as a legacy of failure due to their connection to a now-defunct NHL franchise. Said franchise, the Oakland/California (Golden) Seals,^note Tree flubs the order of events at the beginning of the video; the team joined the WHL as the San Francisco Seals in 1961, but when they controversially moved to Oakland in 1966, they tried re-branding as the California Seals to retain their San Francisco fans. It didn't work, and they were re-christened the Oakland Seals halfway through their inaugural NHL season, then the Bay Area Seals, then the California Golden Seals two games into the 1970-71 season. wasn't without its...issues...
  1970
  UT: Good news, Seals, you've been purchased by the avaricious snake-oil salesman Charles Finley. It's time to experiment with new branding—you are now the California Golden Seals. Brace yourselves for the majesty of the white skates! (sound of someone vomiting into a toilet while showing a picture of two men examining one of their white skates, one holding his nose, the other thumbs-downing it)
• Like most legacies of failure, the Seals had a generational talent on their doorstep - but didn't bother to open the door:
  1971
  UT: Turns out your loophole of getting into the playoffs is gone and you're welcomed back to last place in the NHL. At least you've got the first overall pick in the draft- oh, you traded it to the Canadiens to draft a guy that doesn't play a game for you and a role-player that's gone in two years. Well, let's hope this Guy Lafleur guy doesn't turn out to be any good.^note As central as Lafleur was to the Canadiens dynasty that won four consecutive Stanley Cups from 1976-79, we can only speculate on whether he would have had a similar impact with the Seals or been one of the defectors to the WHA in 1972.
• After flirting briefly with competence and competitiveness in the early 1970s, the Seals suffer a mass exodus of their best players to the WHA and spend the rest of their existence anchored to the bottom of their division. Tree lets them have it with both barrels:
  MID 1970'S
  UT: You are not only in the basement, you are the basement. You're the walking joke of the NHL. A team that shuffles through coaches, owners, players, and relocation rumours like a deck of cards. The players hate it, the fans hate you and you're losing, the league is tired of owning you,^note Literally; after failing to sell the team, Finley sold them back to the league in 1973. you may be contracted, and you're being run like a clown show. This sort of ineptitude is a generational talent.
• The Sharks' history has had a few moments worth celebrating, such as their first playoff series - but not their second:
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, 1994
  UT: [over footage of Jamie Baker scoring the winning goal in Game 7 against Detroit] Did you just completely embarrass the Red Wings and add to Stevie Y's impeccable choking legacy? I'ma buy these fuckers a round if I see them!
  WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS, 1994
  UT: The hockey gods wrap a beautiful bouquet for you in the form of blowing a 3-2 series lead to the Maple Leafs. Sucks, but it's a great season for you guys. Keep it going!
• The Red Wings get back at the Sharks the very next year:
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, 1995
  UT: [over footage of Ray Whitney's double overtime winner in Game 7 in Calgary] And they did it again! Nothing can stop the Sharks now!
  WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS, 1995
  UT: Unfortunately, the Red Wings are seeking revenge after last year's embarrassment. They show no mercy, rape the women, enslave the inhabitants, raid you of all valuable resources, raze everything to the ground and salt the earth so that nothing will ever grow again. Have a nice day!^note Not only did the series finish in a sweep, but the Red Wings scored six goals in each of the four games. The Sharks scored six goals total, two each in Games 2-4. The Red Wings went on to get swept in the Stanley Cup finals by the Devils; Yzerman's "impeccable choking legacy" didn't end until 1997.
• Tree goes over the Sharks' futility of trying to beat the Stars, the team through which they were connected to the Seals:^note After the Seals moved to Cleveland in 1976 and became the Cleveland Barons, they continued to bleed money, and in 1978, they were absorbed into the Minnesota North Stars, who moved to Texas in 1993 and became the Dallas Stars. Three years prior in 1990, the Gund brothers, who owned the North Stars and were part-owners of the Seals/Barons in their final years, were awarded an expansion franchise to begin play in 1991-92 in exchange for selling the North Stars to Howard Baldwin and Morris Belzberg after the NHL blocked the Gund brothers from moving the North Stars to the Bay Area. As part of the agreement, the new team was permitted to take a certain number of players from the North Stars.
  1998
  UT: You're able to recover quickly [from a disastrous 1996-97 season that allowed them to draft Patrick Marleau] and make the playoffs just in time to lose to your old blood brother in the Stars in six games.
  [...]
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, 2000
  UT: [over footage of Owen Nolan putting the Sharks ahead 2-0 in Game 7 against St. Louis] This team may be mediocrity defined, but by God do they have a flair for the dramatic. They just beat the Presidents' Trophy winner and allowed us to laugh at the Blues again! Kudos.
  WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS, 2000
  UT: [over footage of a Sharks-Stars brawl] You get a tasty treat in being beaten to a pulp by your older brother again.
• The Sharks are on the brink of deep playoff runs three seasons running - and utterly collapse each time:
  2006
  UT: All right. Everything is going to plan. You breeze through the first round and have a commanding two-game lead on the eighth-seeded Oilers. You're on a six-game winning streak. No mercy.
  WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS, 2006
  UT: You lost four in a row!? What the fuck, Sharks, I didn't know you were into nuclear meltdowns!^note The Sharks were a single overtime goal away from taking a 3-0 lead in the series, but lost game 3 in triple overtime and every game thereafter.
  2007
  UT: Okay, you're back. You got the prizes of the deadline in Craig Rivet and Bill Guerin. You obliterate the Predators again. You've got a two to one series lead against the Red Wings with home court. Get it done.
  WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS, 2007
  UT: What do you mean "they lost the next three"?! I know it's the Empire, but fuck!^note Like 2006, the Sharks were a single overtime goal away from taking a stranglehold on the series, but lost in overtime and the Wings won the next two games afterwards and captured the series
  2007 NHL DRAFT
  UT: That first-round pick you traded for Rivet became Max Pacioretty. Montreal is still fleecing you after all these years, huh?
  2007 NHL DRAFT
  UT: Hold up, I'm not finished, that first-round pick you gave up for Guerin became David Perron.
  2008
  UT: Regardless, you're a goddamn juggernaut again. Second-best record in the NHL. Your stars are gods. You've got veteran leadership in Jeremy Roenick and you nabbed Soupy at the deadline. Don't blow it.
  WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS, 2008
  UT: [over footage of the Sharks losing to the Stars] And look at that, you lose to Patient Zero again. You know what, you want to deal with the pain of a four-overtime loss. Have one, you underachieving sacks of shit! Couldn't have happened to a better bunch of fuckwits.^note The Sharks staged a valiant comeback after falling down 3-0 in the series but couldn't get one more goal to force a decisive seventh game. Of the four overtime games in this series, the Sharks lost three of them, including the aforementioned quadruple overtime game that clinched the series.
• A Running Gag in which Tree drinks bleach to get over the pain of Sharks playoff collapses:
  2009
  UT: Presidents'. Trophy. Winner. You're the heavy Cup favourite. All of your stars are in their prime. Rob Blake is now on board. Now don't fucking fail me again.
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, 2009
  UT: ... you lose in the first round. In six games. To the Mickey Mouse organisation known as the Ducks. [over a gurgling sound, as well as the "Quack! Quack! Quack!" rallying cry from The Mighty Ducks movies, Stu from Mrs. Doubtfire starts choking while a Sharks logo is superimposed over his face] Excuse me while I drink this bleach. [Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]
  [...]
  2011
  UT: They made it back to the conference finals again. Your forward core is stacked. Your defence is loaded. And your goalie is a new stud in Antti Niemi. This has to be the fucking year to do it.
  WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS, 2011
  UT: The world has stabilised as San Jose fell apart again and got blown out of the water by the Canucks. I ran out of liquor a while ago. Back to the bleach!
  JUNE 24, 2011
  UT: Before I do, they pull off a trade with Minnesota to bring in this guy named Brent Burns. This oughta bolster them up more than Charlie Coyle could!
  2012
  UT: The misery continues in a first-round loss to the Blues. They hadn't won a playoff series in ten years. I'm going to combine this bleach with ammonia now.
  [...]
  2018
  UT: You are now a dark horse candidate for a Cup run. Evander Kane went from a headcase and a half to the next great wingman. They walk into Anaheim and enjoy the delicacy of roast Duck. So, who are they playing in the next round, [chuckles] the Vegas Golden Knights!? Come on, they aren't going to lose to an expansion team!
  WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS, 2018
  UT: They lose to an expansion team. San Jose has its heart ripped out Kano style by their neophyte overlords. Only one word is uttered as they bleed out on the floor: "Marc-Andre Fleury". I would comfort you, Sharks fans, but unfortunately, I already drank all of the bleach. I'm going to go off and die now. Maybe they can let me down on my funeral like they have the past fifteen years!
• A two-part gag about notoriously violent winger Raffi Torres:
  APRIL 3, 2013
  [over footage of Game 1 of the Western Conference Semifinals between the Sharks and the Kings]
  UT: The Sharks are loading up at the deadline again by acquiring a pest in Raffi Torres. [Torres clobbers Jarret Stoll with an illegal check to the head]
  Headline: TORRES SUSPENDED FOR REST OF SECOND ROUND [sound of NHL Hockey crowd booing]
  UT: I said "pest", not "axe murderer"!
  [...]
  OCTOBER 3, 2015
  [over footage of a pre-season game between the Sharks and the Ducks]
  UT: But you know what, Raffi Torres is coming back. [Torres knocks Jakob Silfverberg to the ice with a late check to the head]
  Headline: RAFFI TORRES SUSPENDED FOR HALF OF 2015-16 SEASON [sound of NHL Hockey crowd booing]
  UT: And he tried to kill someone again.^note Torres was suspended for 41 games; he never played in the NHL again.
• The Sharks are on the cusp of sweeping the Los Angeles Kings in the Western Conference Quarterfinals in 2014. They go on to do something only the 1942 Red Wings, the 1975 Penguins, and the 2010 Bruins have done before...
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, 2014
  UT: Well done, Sharks—you're finally crushing that Kings menace by humiliating them in three straight games. You know what to do: sweep the fucking leg. FINISH THEM.
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, GAME FOUR, 2014^note Final score: Sharks 3, Kings 6.
  UT: You got blown the fuck out. Okay, listen: it's not that big of a deal; a sweep may have been ambitious. You're heading back home. Momentum can change on a dime in this league! Regroup and take them out there. You got this.
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, GAME FIVE, 2014^note Final score: Kings 3, Sharks 0.
  UT: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, GAME SIX, 2014^note Final score: Sharks 1, Kings 4.
  UT: REALLY? This how we're doing shit now?! Don't do it! Don't go full Sharks on us again this year, boys, especially not to a division rival! If you piss this away, you may as well delete the franchise again! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT!
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, GAME SEVEN, 2014^note Final score: Kings 5, Sharks 1.
  UT: REVERSE SWEEP!!!
  (These words flash across the screen every which way as the winning bell and theme music from The Price Is Right play, fireworks go off, The Skeleton Dance plays in the upper right hand corner, Billy Madison screams "YOU BLEW IT!", Moe Tilden (Robert De Niro) from Cop Land yells "You blew it!", Mr. Kincade from the South Park episode "Guitar Queer-o" snaps "You blew it! You had it all and you blew it!", the advisor from Total War: Shogun 2 yells "Shameful Display!", the Age of Empires II taunt asks "You played two hours to die like this?", Stu from Mrs. Doubtfire starts choking with the Sharks logo superimposed over his face in the bottom left corner, a translucent Dumpster Fire gif gradually superimposes itself over the screen and other supers such as DELETE YOUR FRANCHISE!!!, CHOKING REIGNS SUPREME!!!, and ALWAYS SPAY OR NEUTER YOUR FAILURES!!! appear, concluding with a classic CONGLATURATION!!!)
  STANLEY CUP FINAL, 2014
  UT: That Kings team goes on to win the Stanley Cup. You get a trophy of bubonic plague.
• At least they made the playoffs again...
  WESTERN CONFERENCE QUARTERFINALS, 2016
  UT: Oh God, here we go...you're on your way to collapsing against the fucking Kings again...just get it o—(glass shattering)—you're not choking...
  WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS, 2016
  UT: You're about to lose to the Predators?! They haven't even made it past the 2nd round in their existence , for God's sake! Don't tell me you're going to—(glass shattering)—you're not choking...
  WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS, 2016
  UT: (ethereal music playing) You DID IT. You made THE FINALS. Finally, a chance to shed the miserable "choker" label once and for all and emerge as a champion! You've exceeded every expectation placed upon you and have a chance to enter the halls of greatness. Every single failure finally swept clean and a chance to avenge your fallen comrades back to the days of the Seals. Get it done.
  STANLEY CUP FINALS, 2016
  UT: The Sharks are completely outplayed thanks to a stubborn Peter DeBoer and are pecked to death by The Fucking Penguins(tm). Hold your heads high, though - you can now boast that you have more playoff success than the Blues and Capitals combined.^note Hilariously, the next two Stanley Cup winners after this video was released were...the Capitals and the Blues.
• And then the very next year...
  2017
  UT: New year, fresh start. It's time to atone for last year's Cup defeat— oh my good Lord, you lost to the Oilers in the first round?! Fuck this franchise! It's like watching Groundhog Day without the humor! And now Patrick Marleau is gone.
  Headline: VETERAN F MARLEAU SIGNS THREE-YEAR, $18.75 MILLION DEAL WITH MAPLE LEAFS

The Washington Nationals (1969-2019)

• As the Montreal Expos, the team experiences typical expansion team woes in its first year. Then in '73, they look like they have a shot...
  1973
  UT: ...so you're a game back from the division lead around .500? How bad is this division?
  SEPTEMBER, 1973
  UT: Apparently not bad enough, as Montreal loses 9 of 10. The Poutine is doused in Seagram's. (a collision near 2nd ends with one man being flipped upside down, crashing hard, and being stretchered off the field)
• The Montreal Expos are so close to reaching the playoffs in both 1979 and 1980. However...
  1979
  UT: Here it is, boys, a legitimate playoff contender for the first time in your history—a team led by a young core of Gary Carter, Andrew Dawson, Ellis Valentine, and Steve Rogers. You have the second-best record in all of baseball with a 95-win season. I say this as if there is a catch—you bet your sweet ass there is. The league's best record happened to be in your division.^note The 98-64 record of eventual World Series champions, the Pittsburgh Pirates. There will be no postseason in Montreal. This will hopefully be the last time the Expos are fucked over by the sports dynamics.
  1980
  UT: The good news is that you have another outstanding 90-win season and have a chance to get into the gold of the NLCS by beating the Phillies in a series at home. You can manage, right?
  OCTOBER 4, 1980
  (Mike Schmidt hits a home run in the top of the 11th to put the Phillies ahead)
  UT: Mike Schmidt takes the depressing trumpet and shoves it in your pee hole repeatedly. You miss out on the playoffs by a fucking game.^note And the Phillies would win their first World Series that year.
• One of the most controversial names in all of baseball combined with one of the most hard-luck teams there's ever been:
  JANUARY 20, 1984
  UT: We need a true leader on the roster. A gritty veteran for our youth to photosynthesize his winning ways. His name: Pete Rose.
  1984
  UT: And he's old and he sucks. We got his 4000th hit, though. Suckers!
• And now it's time for the most damning problems to start haunting the Montreal Expos...
  DECEMBER 10, 1984
  UT: You think this mediocrity is bad? A new contestant is about to enter the ring: budgetary issues! First victim: a franchise face in Gary Carter. Enjoy your hell, Montreal!
  1986 WORLD SERIES
  (footage of Jesse Orosco striking out Marty Barrett to win the game and the series 4 games to 3; Orosco throws up his glove while catcher Gary Carter rushes the mound)
  UT: CONGRATULATIONS. Gary Carter just won himself a World Series. With the Mets.^note The Mets went 108-54 and were 21½ games ahead of 2nd place team the Phillies going into the postseason. (somewhere between disgusted and disinterested) Great...
• And then comes their all-in year of 1989...
  1989
  UT: Alright, this may be your last chance at a playoff push with your current core. Ownership is getting tired of funding you underachieving sacks of shit and is throwing everything at this one year. You even gave up a haul of prospects and projects to the Mariners for a stud in Mark Langston to complement El Presidente. He becomes a god as you go up 3½ games near the end of July. Full speed ahead.
  SEPTEMBER 1989
  SFX: (a toilet flushing and a Sad Trombone)
  UT: ...right into an iceberg as the team collapses in the second half and you finish with a .500 record.
  BGM: (while CONGLATURATION! flashes on screen) Game Over Yeah!
• False hope comes in '93...and not just for baseball, as this is when things start to go tumbling down for the Expos...
  1993
  UT: The Expos are once again cucked by the Baseball Gods as a 95-win season isn't enough to win the division. They lose out to The Phillies for October-ball again.^note The Phillies would lose the World Series to the Toronto Blue Jays in 6 games. Meh, who cares; the Canadiens won a cup this year. That's what's truly important!^note This is the last time any Canadian team would win The Stanley Cup as of the video's publication.
  1994
  UT: It is here. A true championship contender. Bridesmaids? Expos are going to be the ones doing the cucking this year—emerging hitters like Wil Cordero, Cliff Floyd, and Rondell White. The best outfield in baseball in Moisés Alou, Marquis Grissom, and Larry Walker. A burgeoning ace in Ken Hill and mid-rotation work-horse Jeff Fassero! Young studs in Butch Henry and Pedro Martínez! A legitimate two-headed bullpen monster in Mel Rojas and John Wetteland! They have the best record in baseball by a country mile, rampaging against all who oppose them! There is only one thing that could stop this juggernaut—baseball, itself. The MLB is pissy about the players' walkout and locks the doors for the remainder of the season, thus, canceling the World Series, and robbing Montreal of any potential playoff run. We in The Shitposting Business call this The Montreal Screwjob.
• After Jeffrey Loria's gross mismanagement of the Expos in the early 2000s^note Losing English-language broadcasts of Expos games due to him demanding too much money, abysmal attendance at Expos home games (dead last in MLB attendance, total attendance under 1 million every year of his tenure as owner, and for some games around 1,000 people), firing a beloved manager for refusing to quit and replacing said manager with a puppet, and failing to secure a new ballpark to replace the horribly-aging Stade Olympique, MLB acquires the team in 2001 and plans to contract them alongside the Minnesota Twins. However, contraction is cancelled the following year^note The Minnesota state government demanded that the Twins play out their lease at the Metrodome, which would have delayed contraction to at least 2006, leaving the Expos under league ownership for the remainder of their time in Montreal and on a shoestring budget...
  2003
  UT: Montreal, welcome to Baseball: Poorhouse Edition. You get more mediocrity and a forced extended stay in Puerto Rico. The MLB is so generous that they won't let you call up minor-leaguers for September due to a minimal budget. Youppi! tried to kill himself six times this year as a result. At least you still have Vlad to get you through these troubling times.
• After pitching problems derail their first two postseason appearances in Washington, they go out and arm up the starting rotation with "heterochromatic legend Max Scherzer". As for the bullpen? The solution there brings his own sort of reputation...
  JULY 29, 2015
  UT: The Nats finally realize Drew Storen is a hot mess in the bullpen and go and grab an elite closer—
  Headline: NATIONALS MAKE DEAL FOR PHILLIES CLOSER JOHNATHAN PAPELBON
  UT: PAPEL-DOUCHE! He totally isn't going to be abrasive in this locker room!
  [...]
  AUGUST 13, 2016
  [footage of the infamous incident between Papelbon and Bryce Harper where, after the latter pops up a fly ball and returns to the dugout, the former chirps at him about not running out an obvious out. When Harper snarks back at him, Papelbon promptly jumps him and tries to strangle him with his bare hands]
  Headline: IT'S OFFICIAL: NATIONALS RELEASE CLOSER JOHNATHAN PAPELBON
  UT: So you're telling me that Papeldouche is a cancer that divides the locker room? No, you don't say!
• A complete fiasco occurs with their search for a new manager in the 2015 offseason:
  OCTOBER 28, 2015
  UT: Let's take a look at your new manager.
  Headline: REPORT: BUD BLACK TO BE HIRED AS NATIONALS' NEXT MANAGER
  UT: Hmm, Bud Black! Not bad! He should do well here!^note Bud Black had been fired by the San Diego Padres, but the consensus was that Black did a good job considering the Padres' limited budget and constant rebuilding. He was seen as a natural fit for the Nats, especially since he'd now be working with a complete team.
  NOVEMBER 2, 2015
  Headline: (over footage of Black in a Colorado Rockies uniform) REPORT: BUD BLACK 'DEEPLY OFFENDED' BY NATIONALS' CONTRACT OFFER
  UT: Wait, so he's backing out because you lowballed him?^note The Nationals offered Black a one-year deal worth $1.6 million. Black was insulted about the length of the contract (three years is standard) and decided to bow out as a result.
  NOVEMBER 3, 2015
  UT: You replaced him with—
  SFX: (RollerCoaster Tycoon ride crash)
  Headline: IN BIZZARE TURN, NATIONALS HIRE DUSTY BAKER, NOT BUD BLACK, AS MANAGER
  UT: WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE!!! HOW THE FUCK DID BUD BLACK TURN INTO DUSTY BAKER??? GOD, it's like you WANT TO FAIL!!!^note Dusty Baker has a well-earned reputation for overmanaging games and also ruining young pitchers by overworking them. Not exactly what you want with a young, just-hitting-their-prime team.

The Seattle Mariners

• Tree briefly mentions Seattle's first MLB team, the Pilots. They don't do very well:
  1969
  UT: Seattle is introduced to Major League Baseball with the Pilots, a team rushed to fruition thanks to a Missouri senator being triggered by the A's moving to Oakland. The only thing of note they do is suck enough air to go broke thanks to being nowhere near ready for the big time. Things get so bad that they are bought by a used car salesman named Bud Selig and move to Milwaukee before the next season. That was fast.
• "Keep blowing, Lenny! It's not gonna make the Mariners less shitty!"^note "Guess what, I lied. Keep going."
• The running gag where the Mariners repeatedly punch their fans in the dick:
  1996
  UT: A future full of cost-cutting as they let go of many key players and nearly trade Edgar Martinez to the Mets. At least they won 10 straight and might make the playoffs?
  SEPTEMBER 1996
  UT: They proceed to punch their fans in the dick by losing eight of ten and failing to make the big dance. Surely this won't be a repeatable offense.
  [After the Mariners lose to the Orioles in the 1997 ALDS]
  1998
  UT: Yep, there's the dick punch back to futility. How about some more bullpen collapses to ease the pain? Oh, that's making it worse...?
  FEBRUARY 10, 2000
  UT: You tired of the dick punching yet? Tough shit, Ken Griffey Jr. decides to live closer to family and demands a trade to...Cincinnati? Good luck with that Griff.
  [One painful loss to the Yankees in the 2001 ALCS later...]
  AUGUST 2002
  UT: For being utterly decimated they sure rebuild quickly. The Mariners boast another strong season and are three games ahead of a tight AL West. They brought cups for their fans too. No pain this year!
  SEPTEMBER 2002
  UT: The protection was apparently red Solo cups. The dick punching continues as Seattle reverts to pedestrian form, conveniently missing out of a playoff spot. 20-game winning streaks by Moneyball will do that.
  [...]
  JULY 2003
  UT: [Lou Pinella's] more even-keeled replacement Bob Melvin leads the team, once again, to another strong start. A seven-game lead in their division should be enough motivation to get the team to add.
  [...]
  SEPTEMBER 2003
  UT: The Mariners, yes, punch their fans in the dick. They slide out of the playoff picture because Moneyball decided to keep happening. That shit's a fad, we're good there.
  [...]
  2005 MLB DRAFT
  UT: It's just like you wasting the third overall pick on Jeff Clement. Just like Mariner hopes, he rakes through Triple-A only to punch the major league team in the dick. He doesn't develop whatsoever. Prevent this in the future please?
  [...]
  AUGUST 2007
  UT: [The resignation of manager Mike Hargrove] galvanizes the team to be within one game of the division lead in mid-August. We got extra protection this time too!
  SEPTEMBER 2007
  UT: The Mariners add brass knuckles to amplify pain to the dick punching. Losing 15 of 18 is a blow few can recover from.
  [...]
  JUNE 2008
  UT: Let's see how your promising season has gone so far! [superimposition of a building being imploded, complete with sound effect] Can you guys PLEASE stop with the ball-busting for one goddamn moment!?^note Their final record: 61-101, the worst in the American League.
  [...]
  SEPTEMBER 2009
  UT: At least you aren't total garbage. You're over .500. Nowhere near the playoffs but it's a plus. Adrian Beltre can attest.
  SFX: (Sickening "Crunch!")
  Headline: THE SEATTLE MARINERS HAVE BEEN YOUR TESTICLE INJURY LEADERS FOR CLOSE TO 3 DECADES
  UT: You aren't content with just hitting the fans in the dick.
  [...]
  SEPTEMBER 2010
  UT: You thought you were going to be good this year, weren't you. Well, how does another 101-loss season sound? Painful? You'd think your dick would be more resilient.
  [...]
  AUGUST 2014
  UT: This is finally your chance again, Mariners. The Oakland A's have gone all in yet can't stop tripping over themselves. You have the talent to make it happen. James Paxton is emerging as a legitimate starting option. Plus you've wasted enough of King Felix's career. Do something good for once, please.
  SEPTEMBER 2014
  UT: In what can be described as "vintage Mariners", they do just enough to pretend to be competitive, yet fail miserably to go the extra mile. You miss out on a playoff spot by a game, eliminated on the final day of the year to the A's. Cue the dick punch.
  APRIL 2015
  UT: Seattle now has something they haven't had in a while: expectations. The strong season by their standards now has them thinking big. A nice contract given out to a legitimate power bat in Nelson Cruz, the continued prime of King Felix, a stud prospect in Taijuan Walker, and the most talent the organisation has had since 2001. There's no way the punches break through a foot of protection.
  [...]
  SEPTEMBER 2015
  UT: Lloyd McClendon not only steals first base, he also steals your protection. Just like every other time there's hope, the fans are relentlessly - punched - in - the dick. It's not even anywhere near hopeful, they simply disappoint. Jack Zduriencik has been revealed to be nothing more than a fraud in manager's clothing.
  Headline: MARINERS GM JACK ZDURIENCIK FIRED
  UT: He can take his deflecting ways to the bottom of the Pacific with the failed prospects of seasons past. [shot of The Simpsons' Hans Moleman in "Man Getting Hit by Football" from the episode "A Star is Burns"; the football hitting his groin has a Mariners logo superimposed over it] Perhaps he can develop into fish food.
  2016
  UT: A new age of Mariners baseball begins yet again with another bounceback year. They end on a crazy pace by going 18-9 in September... just enough to be three games out of a playoff spot. Would you call this a dick punch? Probably.
  APRIL 2017
  UT: Once again, the Mariners have expectations placed upon them. Look at this great shortstop they've acquired in Jean Segura! They've even bolstered the pitching corps with Drew Smyly and Yovani Gallardo! This year is going to be great!... as Smyly can't pitch and Gallardo turns into a pumpkin.
  Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!" and Stock Scream of agony] DREW SMYLY TO UNDERGO TOMMY JOHN SURGERY, "MISS 12-15 MONTHS"
  UT: Oh, it's gonna be one of those years again...
  SEPTEMBER 2017
  UT: Yep, called it, relentless dick-punching by means of disappointment and failed ambitions. Forty pitchers used. And Justin Smoak developed on a real team in Toronto.
  Headline: SMOAK'S DEDICATION PAYS OFF WITH ALL-STAR NOD
  UT: Why do people like this team again?
  [...]
  JULY 2018
  UT: Wait a second - you aren't punching your fans in the dick? You're winning again? Sure, the run differential's disturbing, Kyle Seager is falling to shit, and King Felix may be cooked, but this is so refreshing to see. Twenty games over .500 and Mitch Haniger is turning into a legitimate cornerstone. You have an eight-game lead for the second Wild Card. At least be okay and you can finally snap the postseason drought.
  SEPTEMBER 2018
  UT: It has to be said that after all the dick punches, this is probably the most painful. The team reverts to mediocrity after a hot start and has a sub-.500 record after the All-Star break. They're nowhere near the playoffs. Once again outshone by, you guessed it, THE FUCKING ATHLETICS!!!
• Once again, the Mariners fail to get their hands on generational talents. One leaves before his prime, some never even come to Seattle:
  SEPTEMBER 13, 1996
  UT: Who the fuck is David Ortiz and why should I care if he's gone? At least I know who Dave Hollins even is.
  [...]
  1998
  UT: ...Too bad they have no interest in paying Randy Johnson and are about to trade him. Why the fuck would they acquire Mariano Rivera, he's a failed starter. Fuck off, Yankees!
  [...]
  SEPTEMBER 2004
  UT: You know who hasn't done anything for us lately? Heathcliff Slocumb. Who were those two prospects we gave up for him again? Jason Veritek and Derek Lowe. Two key contributors to the Red Sox' World Series push. Don't you worry, we would have ruined them if we kept those two anyway. At least Jose Cruz didn't turn into much. Unlike this David Ortiz cat. Now where the fuck have I heard that name before?

The Toronto Maple Leafs: A Half-Century of Failure

• Tree revels in the death of noted cheapskate Maple Leafs owner Harold Ballard:
  APRIL 11, 1990
  UT: The series with St. Louis continues with earnest, but something tells me good news is afoot...
  [sound effect of a ticker-tape printer]
  UT: What's this, a message for us? It says... oh my god, it's a miracle! CONGRATULATIONS, Harold Ballard is finally dead!
  Headline: HAROLD BALLARD, 86, FEISTY OWNER OF TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS, IS DEAD
  ["Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead!" plays as clips of Ballard and his funeral are shown]
  Caption: ROT IN HELL, YOU BASTARD
• As the Leafs' 2002 run to the Eastern Conference Final is recapped, a long time Tree staple makes a surprise appearance:
  2002 EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS, GAME SIX
  AFTER ANOTHER ROUSING VICTORY OVER OTTAWA
  [footage of Mats Sundin's tying goal plays]
  Bob Cole: Here's a chance at the line! Big shot by Kaberle...shoots, right in...scramble...SCORE!
  UT: My God, this is it. The most glorious goal in Leafs history on home ice since the Cup win. Who know what the possibilities are if they get back to the Stanley Cup Finals? Only few can imagine the potential of such an event!
  [footage of the overtime goal by Carolina's Martin Gelinas plays; as the puck goes in, "Brass Bonanza" starts playing]
  UT: They are serenaded by the Brass Bonanza.
  Hurricanes Man: [in the background] RALEIGH! WE DID IT! WE MADE THE FINALS!!!!!!
• Tree recaps the disastorous 2013 signing of David Clarkson:
  JULY 5, 2013
  UT: You might still be broken from the devastating loss to Boston, but we have a nice gift for ya. David...NO!... Wendel Clarkson. The great power forward of the future. You may see a one-year wonder with huge risks attached, but we see the glories of [Record Needle Scratch as a screen cap of Clarkson's 7 year, $5.25 million/year contract with a no-movement clause pops up] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  Announcer: The narrator has malfunctioned as a result of this contract. Stand by for immediate resuscitation.
  EMT: Clear! [sound of defibrillator]
• The Carolina Hurricanes return to haunt the Leafs once again, in embarrassing fashion:
  FEBRUARY 22, 2020
  UT: You aren't fond of just losing to backup goaltenders, but you lose to a 42-year old Zamboni driver. On your home ice. After both Hurricanes goalies were injured. And you employ said Zamboni driver.
  [A klaxon plays as clips of hockey YouTuber (and Maple Leafs fan) Steve Dangle going absolutely thermonuclear over the loss play. As the clips continue, the screen gets redder, and a rumble grows in volume. Then the screen turns white as an explosion plays, followed by a shot of a mushroom cloud.]
• Like all Legacies of Failure, the Maple Leafs have away traded away draft picks and prospects that turned into superstars on other teams:
  OCTOBER 22, 1989
  UT: The Maple Leafs may be simply treading water and have no hope for the short-term future, but we can smell the cup run in the distance. Toronto needs a top-flight defenseman that lead the way in the future. Let's trade a first-round pick in a few years for Tom Kurvers. He may be a filthy American, but we can make an exception here.
  JANUARY 12, 1991
  UT: So it turns out that Tom Kurvers truly is a worthless American. New Jersey gave us a false bag of goods. Let's just cut our losses and trade him to Vancouver for Brian Bradley. They always like trash.
  1991
  UT: Well, everything fell to shit. The Leafs are suffering from the sins of cheapness from the Ballard years. The talent level is terrible, constant losing abounds, but there is a silver lining: Eric Lindros is in this draft. If we suck enough, we can bring him home and save this team.
  [sound effect of a ticker-tape printer]
  UT: Oohh, another message for us, more good news indeed! It says that...this is the pick we traded for Tom Kurvers. Well this sucks!
  1991 NHL Draft
  UT: Okay, we fixed the problem. We had to trade several futures including the sixth overall pick a few years ago to Quebec for anti-tanking veterans, but we didn't give up the first overall pick. Everything's going to be fine. What, you're worried about this Scott Niedermayer guy New Jersey drafted?
  [Clips of Scott Niedermayer winning 4 Stanley Cups play in the background]
  UT: He's going to be nothing, he's a bum, he's from the wrong side of Canada! Trust me, there is absolutely NO WAY this trade is going to haunt the Leafs in the future.
  
  MARCH 5, 1996
  (After fan-favorite Wendel Clark was traded)
  UT: Pat Burns has been one of the best coaches in Leafs history, but the team is struggling immensely. The Leafs have never been good at this whole PR thing, so why not fire him to incite the fanbase to riot? That always works.
  MARCH 13, 1996
  UT: Shit, the fanbase is still pissed at us for firing Pat Burns. Ooh, I got it! You kids remember Uncle Wendel? He's baaa-aaack!
  [Caption: TRADE COMES WITH A COMPLIMENTARY MATHIEU SCHNEIDER]
  1997
  UT: Despite expectations, the Leafs fall apart and miss the playoffs thanks to an aging core and poor transactions. It may be time for a rebuild, but at least we'll get a high draft pick for the failure.
  [sound effect of a ticker-tape printer]
  UT: Another message? Well, it appears we traded this pick to get Wendel Clark back! By God, it's like we never learn...
  1997 NHL DRAFT
  UT: Toronto's fourth-overall pick in this draft is used to select Roberto Luongo. If there's any consolation, the Islanders completely fuck this one up as well.

  JUNE 24, 2006
  UT: Our team may be aging, but Andrew Raycroft is a goalie on the rise. You may see a player who is a flash in the pan and is about to be waived by Boston, but they’re wrong. We love him so much that we’ll trade our former first-round pick for him. If he flops, who cares? We have Justin Pogge; we’ll be fine.
  SEVERAL YEARS LATER
  UT: I forgot to mention that prospect they ended up trading for Raycroft. His name just happened to be Tuukka Rask. You can be haunted by that name for years as Justin Pogge doesn’t develop whatsoever. Sorry, I don’t make the rules here.
  
  2007
  (After missing the playoffs by 1 point)
  UT: It’s all good, we’ll bolster this team in the offseason.
  (Sound effect of a news ticker)
  UT: So we traded our first two picks in this draft for Mark Bell and Vesa Toskala. Eh, it won’t haunt us.
  2007 NHL DRAFT:
  UT: The first round pick they traded turned into Lars Eller. Not bad, you say? Well, San Jose would take the two picks Toronto traded them to move up and select Logan Couture. Failure by proxy.
  
  SEPTEMBER 18, 2009:
  UT: What the Leafs need is a great North American superstar. We know just the man: Phil Kessel, the American Dream. He will snipe his way into the heart of every Maple Leaf fan. Let us begin this new age of Leaf dominance. Thanks for the franchise player, Boston!
  2010:
  UT: (GM Brian Burke’s) North American dream couldn’t get them above dead last in the Eastern Conference. A total disaster of a season that can’t get much worse than it already has.
  (Sound effect of a news ticker tape)
  UT: Oh God, now what? We traded our first two picks in this draft for KESSEL?! FUCKING GRRRRR!
  2010 NHL DRAFT:
  UT: The second-overall pick in this draft is used by Boston to select Tyler Seguin, a player who is at least equal to Kessel’s talents at a far more valuable position. It’s not a game-breaker though; he wouldn’t have fit in with our pristine culture that we’re building up in Toronto.
• Even the draft lottery isn't safe, with the Leafs' lotto ball being mere millimeters from scoring them the #1 draft pick for 2020, only to bounce around the lip of the suction cup and get beaten to the punch by the Rangers' ball. The Rangers selected Alexis Lafreniere with the pick.
  UT: The Leafs are so inept that even their lottery balls are hitting the post! It's so fitting of this franchise: golden opportunities undone by their own self-destruction.