Funny / Urinating Tree – The Haters Guide

2017 Haters Guides

The Haters Guide to the 2017 NFL Playoffs

• The end of his segment on the Patriots:
  UT: You are The Evil Empire and Tom Brady is your Death Star. Embrace it.
  [A cut-in of Bill Belichick, hood pulled over his head, appears in the bottom left-hand corner of the video, with an audio icon next to it]
  Palpatine: Good. Let the hate flow through you.
• UT's predictions about what the Super Bowl matchup will be:
  UT: It will be Dallas vs. New England. Dallas will win. Jerry Jones will celebrate by dancing naked on that gigantic scoreboard of his.

The Haters Guide to Super Bowl 51

• Tree was bullish on the Dolphins' chances going into the playoffs. They were promptly embarrassed 30-12 by the Steelers in the Wild Card round. A clip from the South Park episode "Whale Whores" of a group of irate Japanese storming the field at a Dolphins game and killing the entire team with harpoons is captioned "ACCURATE DEPICTION OF STEELERS VS. DOLPHINS".
• On recapping the Wild Card game between the New York Giants and Green Bay Packers, which the Packers won 38-13: "We have finally learned that the Giants no longer have a magical horseshoe shoved up their ass."
• How Tree opens the NFC Championship Game: "This postseason, we have learned that the secret to quarterback immortality is by abandoning your family and converting to Scientology."
• Half of his prediction for the Super Bowl matchup comes true. He is as enthusiastic as you'd expect:
  UT: God, what a terrible playoffs. What were there, one, maybe two good games? And the NFL's wondering why their ratings are down. With that being said, it's finally time to meet our contenders for the fifty-first Lombardi Trophy!
  NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
  UT: New England once again dominating the AFC? Yawn... They didn't even need to cheat this year. They played the Texans, and Antonio Brown probably livestreamed the Steelers' coaches' meetings.
• His prediction for the final result is Hilarious in Hindsight; he got a lot of things right about it, such as the game going down to the wire, the margin of victory being a touchdown or less, the winning team scoring 34 points, and the winning quarterback being named Super Bowl MVP.^note That said, the MVP award is given to the winning quarterback more than half the time. But he got one very important thing wrong, making this a harbinger of things to come for his championship predictions in football, hockey, and baseball...
  UT: To be fair, this could go either way, but I feel that the Falcons' potent offensive attack will just be too much for the Patriots' defense to handle. I'm expecting this game to come down to the wire, and give a 34-31 victory for those birds in black. Matt Ryan is hailed as Super Bowl MVP! Roger Goodell orders hundreds of statues built of him in Atlanta city limits, and the Falcons fanbase enjoys their first true success in years. Here's to hoping you don't become the twelfth man. Please comment below on how much of a Falcons bandwagoner I am with this prediction!^note The actual final result, as detailed in "The Atlanta Falcons: A Legacy of Failure": the Falcons set a record for biggest blown lead in a Super Bowl, going from leading 28-3 halfway through the third quarter to losing 34-28 in overtime.

The Haters Guide to the 2017 NHL Playoffs

• When UT gets to the Montreal Canadiens:
  UT: Congratulations! You've replaced the stubborn and frustrating Michel Therrien with Claude Julien as your head coach... again.
• When discussing the Washington Capitals, he points out that the team is even more loaded with quality depth pieces to support their superstar-loaded core than the previous year's roster, and that they're still rolling through the regular season with ease (they had won their second straight Presidents' Trophy). He then discussed how none of this would really alleviate their fear of playoff failure, before deciding to taunt them just a bit.
  UT: But I know who you truly want. [A translucent Pittsburgh Penguins logo appears on the screen, growing more opaque as he continues to speak] I know who you really want to face.
• Which makes the Pens segment hilariously ironic, as he's dismissive of the team's chances, calling them "flat", pointing out their "sloppy defense" and venturing that they're suffering from karma for the local politicians renaming a street in Squirrel Hill to "Matt Murray Avenue" during the previous year's Finals.

The Haters Guide to the Haters Guide to the 2017 NHL Playoffs

• The entire video is a lengthy Juxtaposition Gag, where he eats bags of shit by putting his analyses of various teams from the first Haters Guide alongside their actual performances in the first round, with the consistent throughline being the teams performing the exact opposite of his expectations. He concluded by showing the quick and painful death of his picks for the Finals, then reminded people of his prediction that he would "be wrong by the end of the first round", one of the few things he actually got right.

The Haters Guide to the 2017 Stanley Cup Final

• Introducing the Boston Bruins:
  UT: [Snores, then two indistinguishable syllables as he wakes up] This series actually ended? What a goddamm slogfest.
• A call-back to the Washington Capitals' Legacy of Failure:
  UT: Congratulations, your team still can't make it past the second round of the playoffs.
• At the end, Tree shows that he is aware of the accuracy (or lack thereof) of his playoff predictions:
  UT: Unless [Nashville Predators' goalie Pekka Rinne] falls apart, I'm going to pick Nashville in six. Congratulations to the Penguins on back-to-back Stanley Cups.

The Haters Guide to the 2017 NBA Finals

• Tree gets to the finalists:
  UT: So what teams do we have left?
  (over a black screen, we see the Golden State Warriors and Cleveland Cavaliers logos, with the caption "SO SURPRISING...")
  UT: (monotone) Oh boy, what a shocking turn of events. Warriors versus Cavs. Jesus, I could have predicted this final. My question as an outsider is this: Why even bother watching the rest of the playoffs when the final is so predictable barring some unbelievable event? These playoffs fucking sucked. So many blowouts. It's like basketball itself: the games rev up and get the most action in the final two minutes. We are now in the final two minutes. Even then, it's looking to be kind of a lopsided series with Golden State winning another title and everyone wishing that their insufferable fucking fanbase would sink into the Pacific along with the rest of California. (imitating a Simpleton Voice) Did you know that the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead— (normal voice) Yes, I did, now shut the fuck up about it.

The Haters Guide to the 2017 NFL Season - AFC Edition

• Will Tannehill actually be able to play at all? (Nope.) So who the hell's your QB now? JAY CUTLER!? Father, forgive them, they do not know the horrible pain they are about to experience... You're as fucked as a dolphin in Japanese waters!

The Haters Guide to the 2017/18 NHL Season

• Regarding the Carolina Hurricanes:
  Hurricanes Man: RALEIGH! WE MIGHT NOT ACTUALLY BE TERRIBLE THIS YEAR! THE HURRICANES NOW BOAST ONE OF THE MORE PROMISING DEFENSIVE CORES IN THE NHL! WE BROUGHT BACK JUSTIN WILLIAMS TO HELP US WIN MORE GAME 7'S!
  Second voice: Mr. Brazil!^note At the time, Williams had a 7-1 record in Game 7's.
  Hurricanes Man: WE EVEN HAVE NEW OWNERS THAT ARE TOTAL PIECES OF SHIT! WE'RE STAYING PUT! WE ARE THE NEW BLACKHAWKS AND WE HAVE A LOT OF FORMER ONES ON THE TEAM! ("COME TO OUR GAMES!" starts flashing on the screen every which way) PLEASE COME TO OUR GAMES!
• The Penguins' intro card identifies the team as THE FUCKING PENGUINS.
• Tree's analysis of the expansion Vegas Golden Knights becomes Hilarious in Hindsight after their historic debut season:
  VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS
  UT: There isn't much to say here, they're tanking away this current year to build for five years down the road. The only reason this team is going to be competitive is because of Marc-Andre Fleury. That poor bastard went from a back-to-back Cup winner to this generation's Peter Sidorkiewicz. Better gain that following now before the Raiders come to town, Knights.
• Similarly his analysis of the Washington Capitals becomes Hilarious in Hindsight when they not only advanced past the second round, but won the Cup:
  WASHINGTON CAPITALS
  UT: So you completely shit the bed against a major rival in Game 7 of an all-in year. It's obvious shit needs to be done to address this failure. Oh wait, that would involve being bold; a lot easier to just throw money around. (as headlines appear) Here, extensions for all of you, money is no object - oh shit, (the unnamed Simpsons anchor appears, pointing at the screen saying "You stupid..." and laughing) we threw ourselves into cap hell and we still have to sign the majority of our team, fuck it, sacrifice Mojo for five cents on the dollar to a team in our division. And you wonder why this team loses in the second round to those fucking Penguins.
  Headline: KARL ALZNER LEFT THE CAPITALS FOR THE CANADIENS BECAUSE HE 'WANTS TO WIN'
  Caption: IT'S ALSO WHY STUFF LIKE THIS HAPPENS
  UT: If there were just an easier way of avoiding this quandary... (BUY OUT BROOKS ORPIK flashes at the bottom of the screen) I just can't put my finger on it...

The Haters Guide to the 2017/18 NBA Season

• You know something's going to be up when you notice the video is only about 4 minutes long (other Haters' Guide videos are two or three times as long). He goes through the 30 teams of the NBA rapid-fire, with about 70% of those teams described with some variant of "You're fucked." Often with those two words only.
  UT: Oh boy, what an incredibly unpredictable year of basketball it's going to be! It's not like there are only two or three teams that have a chance to win the title this year. Here we go, everyone!
  ATLANTA HAWKS
  UT: You're fucked.
  BOSTON CELTICS
  UT: Hey, you got Kyrie and Gordon Hayward! You might actually win two games against the Cavs in the playoffs.
  Headline: (over Sickening "Crunch!") GORDON HAWYWARD REPORTEDLY HAS SURGERY, UNLIKELY TO RETURN FOR SEASON
  UT: You're fucked.
  BROOKLYN NETS
  Headline: JEREMY LIN THINKS THE NETS WILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IN 2018
  UT: This team thinks they can make the playoffs! (breaks into laughter) Then again, this is the Eastern Conference.
  Headline: (over Sickening "Crunch!" and Stock Scream) NETS' JEREMY LIN HAS RUPTURED PATELLAR TENDON; SEASON LIKELY OVER
  Super: THE BASKETBALL GODS ARE WRATHFUL
  UT: Have fun getting swept by the Cavs or Celtics.
  CHARLOTTE HORNETS
  UT: You have Dwight Howard now. Being fucked is all but a given.
  CHICAGO BULLS
  UT: You traded Jimmy Butler for some Dubble Bubble and old Tupac CDs. You're fucked.
  CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
  UT: You are throwing everything at this one year before LeBron fucks off from this shit-show. After an inevitable loss to the Warriors in the finals, LeBron takes his ego to LA and everyone else leaves, while the entire city of Cleveland sinks into Lake Erie. AGAIN.
  DALLAS MAVERICKS
  UT: Nowitzki's a geriatric. You're fucked.
  DENVER NUGGETS
  UT: You've got that Jokić guy, and that other guy! You might— Oh, right, you're in the West. You're fucked.
  DETROIT PISTONS
  UT: You're fucked so badly you couldn't even buy it for a dollar.
  GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
  UT: You'll probably win another championship this year and nobody on the team will shut the fuck up about meaningless drama. It's going to be another year where their players bitch about slave mentality when they all but own the majority of the league. And that's not even getting into that toxic bandwagon fanbase. North Korea, please launch a nuke into this organization.
  HOUSTON ROCKETS
  UT: You got CP3. Now you have two players that will vanish come playoff time.
  INDIANA PACERS
  UT: Everybody worth a damn is gone. You're fucked.
  LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS
  UT: You're still not making it past the second round.
  LOS ANGELES LAKERS
  UT: You're fucked for now, but LeBron will probably come next year and make you into a contender. I will seriously laugh my ass off if he doesn't come.
  MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES
  UT: Your coach is more worried about old-ass statues instead of realizing his team is fucked.
  MIAMI HEAT
  UT: Poor Hassan Whiteside, the team that he is on is just fucked.
  MILWAUKEE BUCKS
  UT: Ooh, the Greek Freak! You might actually make the second round this year.
  MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES
  UT: Still waiting on that hyped-up youth to actually do something. And you got Jimmy Butler, which means the hype will be real for a few months before realizing they will be butt-fucked by the Warriors or Spurs in the playoffs.
  NEW ORLEANS PELICANS
  UT: Stop wasting the talents of the Unibrow and Boogie Cousins and trade them to real teams already. No depth means you're fucked.
  NEW YORK KNICKS
  UT: You're fucked, and you're a shit-show.
  OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER
  UT: You may choke come playoff time, but you won the offseason. You got Paul George and Carmelo when you failed to realize there is no multi-ball option. You're still not getting past the Warriors.
  ORLANDO MAGIC
  UT: You... you're just fucked.
  PHILADELPHIA 76ERS
  UT: There's some interesting pieces here. And then, before the starting lineup is announced, half the team is injured and they're trusting the process again!
  PHOENIX SUNS
  UT: You're fucked so badly you can't even walk straight.
  PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS
  UT: Look, guys! It's Damian Lillard and his band of "You're Fucked".
  SACRAMENTO KINGS
  UT: Everyone in this God-forsaken town is praising management for not completely shitting it in the off-season, but then you realize they are run by an incompetent street-shitter in Vlade "I Had a Better Deal Two Days Ago" Divac. The guy who actually made the decisions this offseason defected to the Knicks. The Knicks. You're fucked.
  SAN ANTONIO SPURS
  UT: You keep thinking they'll have a chance to beat the Warriors, but then Golden State will deliberately injure their players again. No, Gregg Popovich still won't shut the fuck up.
  TORONTO RAPTORS
  UT: You kept a lot of pieces around, which means you will play second fiddle to the conference leaders for this generation. "We The North"? More like, "We The Second Round Playoff Elimination".
  UTAH JAZZ
  UT: Hold this L with a side helping of "you're fucked".
  WASHINGTON WIZARDS
  UT: Everybody says they have promise and have a chance at pulling ahead in the Eastern Conference. But let's be real, this is a sports team in Washington, DC. They will transition from playing second fiddle to the Cavs to playing second fiddle to the Celtics.
  UT: Playoff predictions? Who fucking cares. We all know the only teams that have a shot at the title this year are the Warriors and Cavs, with maybe the Spurs and Celtics potentially in the mix. That leaves about 80 to 85% of the league being absolutely fucked. Have fun pretending you guys are actually going to do something this year.

2018 Haters Guides

The Haters Guide to the 2018 NFL Playoffs

• Promising that if the Steelers got by New England, he'd eat "one of those terrible Pitts-burgers" on camera while that awful "Here We Go" song plays in the background. They didn't, so he didn't have to.
• On the Carolina Panthers:
  UT: May Cam and a bunch of try-hard 12-year-olds dab themselves to death as Jerry sells the team.
• Referring to the Philadelphia Eagles as "The Unified Church of Wentz".

The Haters Guide to Super Bowl 52

• The KC Chiefs are confident they'll beat the Tennessee Titans. Until...
  UT: [as the Chiefs race to a 21-7 lead in the first half of their Wild Card game against the Titans] Chiefs, you're doing it. You're completely obliterating your competition in the first half and showing the world your might. One yard short? The Titans are on the wrong goddamn football field. Put it in neutral and roll on to an easy vic-
  Caption: [as the screen flashes red and shakes violently while a klaxon blares] FULL REID ALERT!
  UT: God damn it, not again!
  Voiceover: [as the Titans score 15 unanswered points in the second half] Warning! Full Reid has been activated! I repeat: Full Reid is in effect! Be on the lookout for all suspicious activity! Keep all leads locked in a secure location! Stay away from all windows, doors, and televisions! Execute those wearing red, obese men with mustaches, and those showing signs of choking on sight! Do not attempt to reason with or offer liquor to Chiefs fans; their misery will overpower you! God help us all!
  Billy Madison: YOU BLEW IT!
• A Call-Back to "The Atlanta Falcons: A Legacy of Failure", with some footage re-used from "Congrats, Falcons! (2018 Edition)":
  UT: The Falcons are proving all their doubters wrong and have snuck into the postseason with a 10-6 record. They went right into Los Angeles and shut down a high-powered Rams offence. Momentum is on their side as they take on an incredibly weakened opponent. The Falcons are well on the road to revenge for last year. Only a brick wall could stop you... its name is "the Eagles". You do realize that wall has been eroding for years, right? Four straight passes on the final drive? For the final play of the game, you run a rollout bootleg with a fullback as a wide receiver? Are we sure Steve Sarkisian is sober?
• The New Orleans Saints kick a field goal to take a 24-23 lead in Minneapolis with 26 seconds left. The Vikings' attempt to drive back after the resulting kickoff stalls on their own 39-yard line as they fail to gain any yardage on the first two downs. Party time on Bourbon Street, right? Well...
  UT: Saints, I'm so proud of you guys, you've proven everyone wrong again. You've come back from a 17-point deficit on the road against one of the proudest legacies of failure this league has to offer. It's sure to be yet another painful defeat for this cursed franchise. Just stop them on this final drive and put the nail in the coffin.
  Paul Allen:^note Radio commentator for KFAN in Minneapolis. [as Vikings quarterback Case Keenum fires a 27-yard Hail Mary pass toward wide receiver Stefon Diggs] Case on the deep drop. Steps up in the pocket. He'll fire to the right SIDE, CAUGHT BY DIGGS!
  Pete Bercich:^note Former Vikings linebacker, now a colour commentator for KFAN. [Diggs catches the ball; Saints free safety Marcus Williams tries to tackle him, but misses and falls to the ground, tripping his own cornerback, Ken Crawley, and leaving Diggs free to run the remaining 34 yards to the end zone] STAY INBOUNDS!
  Allen: OH, HE GOT LOOSE!
  Bercich: OH MY GOD!
  Allen: AT THE THIRTY!
  Bercich: NO WAY!
  Allen: TEN! TOUCHDOWN! [Bercich screams in delight; on the field, Diggs removes his helmet, throws it aside, and spreads his arms to the crowd as if to say "How about that, huh?" as his teammates mob him in celebration] ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
  Bercich: WHAT A MIRACLE FINISH!
  Allen: IT'S A MINNEAPOLIS MIRACLE!
  Bercich: NO WAY!
  UT: Or Marcus Williams pushes the hit stick way too early and costs them the game. Remember when Sean Payton mocked the "Skol chant"?
  Headline: SAINTS COACH SEAN PAYTON TAUNTED FANS WITH A 'SKOL CLAP' JUST BEFORE THE VIKINGS WON
  UT: [over a tweet from Dirty Coast Press saying "Let's buy a billboard" with a picture of the score in the third quarter of Super Bowl LI] Remember all the shit you gave Atlanta for 28-3 last year? Karma's a total bitch, isn't she.
  Billy Madison: YOU BLEW IT!
• Tree makes the barest token effort to hide his disgust at the predictable end result of the AFC playoffs:
  UT: Representing the AFC...
  NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
  UT: [monotone] The Patriots have made the Super Bowl, what an incredibly shocking turn of events. Let me put on my stunned face. Yay.
• "Will we see Philadelphia joyously rioting in the streets, or Philadelphia angrily rioting in the streets?"

The Haters Guide to the 2017/18 NHL Playoffs

• After covering all 16 teams, we get to the part where Tree normally makes his prediction for the finals...
  UT: What, you want a prediction again? Did you see how disastrous last year's one went?^note In 2017, Tree predicted that the Stanley Cup Finals that year would be between the Chicago Blackhawks and the Montreal Canadiens, adding "Now watch me be wrong at the end of the first round". Indeed, Chicago and Montreal both lost in the first round, with Chicago being swept and only scoring three goals total in the entire series. Fuck it, you want a prediction? Washington versus San Jose. The two Legacies of Failure against one another in a fight to the death. And then they somehow both lose just because. I'm going to have to do another Haters Guide to the Haters Guide, aren't I?^note Tree didn't have to; as detailed in "The San Jose Sharks: A Legacy of Failure", released the following month, the Sharks beat the Anaheim Ducks in the first round but lost in the second round to the first-year Vegas Golden Knights, while the Washington Capitals, whom Tree had already covered in his Legacy of Failure series, won their first-ever Stanley Cup over the Golden Knights in the finals.

The Haters Guide to the 2018 Stanley Cup Final

• Tree's blistering "The Reason You Suck" Speech toward the Ducks after they were swept in the first round.
  ROASTED ANAHEIM DUCKS
  UT: What in the literal fuck was that supposed to be? Wasn't this supposed to be some sort of series? It's like you guys blew your load late in the season and failed to do dickety-shit come April. It wasn't even domination, what the Sharks did to you was what happened to vassals that defied the great Khan. You were made an example of. Your cities were burned to the ground, your population slaughtered, and their carcasses sent to the four corners of the Earth as a warning to all those that would defy them. When you bothered to show up, it was far too late. The damage was done. Four goals all series, are you fucking kidding me!? Even your parents would disown you after such a performance. This is what you get when you bring in a retread of a coach in the hopes of re-living the glory years. [the Duck Hunt dog appears on the bottom of the screen, laughing] You can wipe your tears away on some delicious duck confit. [The Advisor yells "SHAMEFUL DISPLAY!"]
• As Tree gets to the teams eliminated in the Conference finals, he is generally positive about the Winnipeg Jets not just winning their first playoff game in franchise history, but advancing to the third round. Then he moves on to the Tampa Bay Lightning...
  FUCKING USELESS LIGHTNING
  UT: I can safely say you fuckers deserve every morsel of bile and vitriol that is coming your way. Way to fuck up a Cup finals appearance placed on a tee, you underachieving pieces of shit! All of that noise you made before the playoffs results in you becoming the laughingstock of the league. Let's not lie to ourselves: you choked. You choked just like every other fucking year you've had in this window. Not even sniffing the back of the net in over two and a half games? That's choking. Blowing the series when you were favourites to win it? That's choking. Flubbing on gimme goals right in front of the fucking net? That's textbook choking. The baton has officially been passed. You are the new Washington Capitals. Failures and underachievers in every sense of the word. Hey, maybe we can try and find Stamkos at even strength or Kucherov's ability to give a damn in this mess eventually. Last time I buy into your hype, you pathetic fucks. [Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]
• Time to get to the finalists...
  UT: Coming out of the deserts of the west!
  (BGM: Shotgun Kiss (Casino Palace))
  VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS
  (scene of Ian walking up to a large pile of dinosaur shit)
  UT: This is me. And this is the gigantic pile of shit I'm about to eat on the Golden Knights once again...
  Ian: (with UT's YouTube logo over his face) That is one big pile of shit.
  UT: Now my body matches these videos—full of shit.
• As a Call-Back to "The Washington Capitals: A Legacy of Failure" and "The Haters Guide to the 2017 Stanley Cup Final":
  UT: As for the East, who emerges from the rubble?
  WASHINGTON CAPITALS
  UT: Congratulations, your team finally made it past the second round of the playoffs!

The Haters Guide to the 2018 NBA Finals

• Before showing footage of their loss to the Utah Jazz in the first round, Tree identifies the Thunder with the caption "CHOKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER".
• Another year, another stellar Raptors regular season followed by an embarrassing flameout in the playoffs. As a cherry on the sundae, Tree trots out a video clip of the hilariously wrong-headed publicity stunt from 2012 when the Raptors decided to send their mascot down stairs on rollerblades into Air Canada Centre.
  TORONTO RAPTORS
  UT: Don't give me that shocked look about the Raptors being embarrassed, these fuckers do this shit every year. Cockteasing everyone with a great regular season, then becoming the closest thing to property without violating the Thirteenth Amendment!^note Of the US Constitution, not the Canadian Constitution. What was that about Toronto getting over the hump this year? The only hump I'm seeing is LeBron lording over your corpse for twelve straight playoff games.
  Caption: [quack!] *10 GAMES, WHO CARES YOU'RE STILL A JOKE.
  UT: You are the faceplanting mascot. [the Raptors' mascot rollerblades down the stairs into Air Canada Centre and lands on the court face first to the Thwomp sound effect from Super Mario 64]
  Headline: DWANE CASEY FIRED BY RAPTORS TWO DAYS AFTER WINNING COACH OF THE YEAR
  UT: Dwane Casey takes the brunt of the fall for his team not showing up once again, which is proof that coaching awards are fucking useless. I will say, though, you guys are forging a really nice legacy of failure up there. Give it a few more years and it'll be ready for the beast!^note Or not; a year after this video's release, the Raptors won their first NBA title.
• The Houston Rockets appear to be on the brink of overturning the seemingly inevitable fourth consecutive finals between the Golden State Warriors and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Emphasis on "appear"...
  • Chris Paul leads the Rockets to a 3-2 series lead. And then...
    UT: Oh my God, it's happening... the league is about to be unfucked! The Warriors are getting overconfident and sloppy! Hold me, I don't know if we're in reality. Rise... rise, CP3! Become the G.O.A.T. that Houston needs! Ascend from a meme to a-
    Headline: [over Sickening "Crunch!" and "Unit lost!"/"Oh no! There's a man down!" sound clips] REPORT: CHRIS PAUL HAS GRADE 2 HAMSTRING STRAIN, USUALLY 3-4 WEEK INJURY
    UT: -ARE YOU KIDDING ME, WHAT THE FUCK, HOW MANY FUCKING BREAKS ARE THE WARRIORS GONNA GET THIS YEAR!? FUCKING BULLSHIT!
  • The Rockets seem to rebound and look as though they might win Game 7 against the Warriors at home. But then...
    UT: Breathe, Houston, the light is still visible. You're up three games to two and have home court advantage in Game 7. There's no way you can vanish this time around.
    Windows error message: WARNING: ROCKETS2NDHALF.EXE NOT FOUND - Please try program again next season.
    Headline: THE ROCKETS MISSED A RECORD SETTING 27 STRAIGHT THREE-POINTERS IN A GAME 7. AT HOME.
    UT: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MISS TWENTY-SEVEN STRAIGHT THREE-POINTERS?!
• At the end of the summary, Tree announces the teams in the final, and makes no effort to conceal his disgust:
  UT: Well, at least the playoffs were better [than 2017] in terms of every single game not being a blowout. There were some exciting matches this time around, which leads us to our epic showdown of...
  [over a black screen, the Cavaliers and Warriors logos slide in from opposite sides accompanied by a raspberry; the text "You're fucked again!" appears on the right, while the text "CONGLATURATION, NBA!" appears on the bottom with a buzzer sound effect]
  UT: [bored] Warriors versus Cavs, fucking hell, again?!
• As the video comes to its end, he says that he can't wait for LeBron to go to another team so the finals can have different teams, and tells the viewers to "go watch some hockey, you'll thank me later". Then The Stinger at the end has a clip of Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals, with this caption:
  THANKS FOR WATCHING! I'M DEAD SERIOUS, GO WATCH SOME HOCKEY.

The Haters Guide to the 2018 MLB Season - All-Star Edition

• His initial reaction upon discovering that the Tampa Bay Rays, despite trading away or cutting nearly all their noteworthy players in the preseason, are above .500 (but not in serious playoff contention):
  UT: Wait, so you guys aren't tanking? [Begins ruffling through paperwork] What the fucking hell? I could've sworn you were trying to tank, because of everything you were fucking doing. What the-

The Haters Guide to the 2018 NFL Season - AFC Edition

• True to form, the Browns' intro card identifies the team as FACTORY OF SADNESS.
• The entry for the Steelers is presented in the form of a teaser for a soap opera, even referring to the upcoming season as "Days Of Our Steelers". This sets up a Running Gag that continues during the season thanks to the seemingly endless parade of off-field drama.
• For the Houston Texans intro card, the usual (for an NFL video) Stock Sound Effects of linemen colliding with each other and grunting is replaced by a Sickening "Crunch!" and Stock Scream of agony, as a nod to the Texans' promising 2017 season coming completely unraveled due to an enormous wave of injuries.

The Haters Guide to the 2018 NFL Season - NFC Edition

• The Texans gag from the AFC video re-surfaces for the Arizona Cardinals, their logo being presented with a Sickening "Crunch!" and Stock Scream of agony in a poke at their ever-growing injury roster from the previous year.^note The only other intro card not to be accompanied by audio of linemen colliding with each other and grunting is the Eagles' card; their logo is accompanied by stock audio of an eagle screeching.
• For that matter, when discussing the Eagles he makes it no secret that he's disgusted not only that a Super Bowl was rewarded to a fan base that has been shown to lose their minds over just about everything and be unable to take losses to save their lives, but for the Falcons, Vikings and Patriots for losing to them... Yet The Stinger at the end is a clip of Jason Kelce's epic speech at their Super Bowl parade.

The Haters Guide to the 2018/19 NHL Season: Eastern Conference Edition

• Tree dials up the mocking nicknames for teams in this video, referring to the Montreal Canadiens as THE CANVAS OF BERGEVIN and the Ottawa Senators as MELNYK'S FANTASTIC CIRCUS.
• The Carolina Hurricanes logo is accompanied by the sound of a goal horn rather than the usual buzzer. And that voice he did for the Hurricanes in the past? It has a name now: Hurricanes Man. And Carolina had been doing some house-cleaning in the background...by letting him go...
  Hurricanes Man: PLEASE COME TO OUR GA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAMES (breaks down sobbing)
• Following on from the nickname for the Senators, the preview of their season is done in the style of a circus barker:
  [accompanied by the "gumball machine" Special Stage music from Sonic the Hedgehog 3]
  UT: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, step right up and see one of the greatest shitshows in North American sports! Come and see the vengeful girlfriend [Headline: ERIK KARLSSON'S WIFE ACCUSES GIRLFRIEND OF FELLOW SENATOR MIKE HOFFMAN OF HARASSMENT] who not only pissed off the franchise face but forced Mike Hoffman to be traded for pennies on the dollar! [Headline: MIKE HOFFMAN TRADED TO SAN JOSE SHARKS] Take your turn trying to dunk our former assistant manager as he yells at you from the cage! [Headline: OTTAWA SENATORS ASSISTANT GM RANDY LEE RESIGNS AMID HARASSMENT CHARGES] Laugh at poor Matt Duchene as he moves from one shitshow to an even bigger one! [Headline: MATT DUCHENE ON SENATORS PUTTING ZACK SMITH ON WAIVERS: "IT'S A KICK IN THE BALLS FOR US"] Have your mind boggled as we botch the Mark Stone situation and he becomes a free agent at the end of the year! He's pissed off too! [Headline: ERIK KARLSSON TRADE FALLOUT: SENATORS RW MARK STONE REPORTEDLY WANTS OUT OF OTTAWA AS WELL] By God, everyone, Erik Karlsson is being traded! [Headline: ERIK KARLSSON TRADED TO SAN JOSE SHARKS] I repeat, Erik Karlsson is free! Somehow, we still have Bobby Ryan's awful contract! For our next magic trick, we will make any good will we had left instantly disappear! You may ask if we're tanking for the future, well too bad, we can't since our first-round pick is Avalanche property! Come for yourself and witness this Senator shitshow before Melnyk sells everything off to save more money!
  [cut to Senators GM Pierre Dorion staring into space during a September 2018 interview with Rogers Sportsnet's David Amber and Elliotte Friedman]^note Amber asked for one thing about which Dorion was optimistic. Dorion spent four seconds thinking about his "answer".
  Caption: LOADING DORION.EXE...
  Dorion: We're a team.
  Caption: SUCCESS!

The Haters Guide to the 2018/19 NHL Season: Western Conference Edition

• More malicious nicknames for the Western Conference; the Arizona Coyotes are THE FUTURE HOUSTON COYOTES, the San Jose Sharks are THE LAND OF EIGHT-YEAR CONTRACTS, and the St. Louis Blues are ETERNAL PAIN.
• Tree's analysis of the Blues becomes funnier when one notes that despite his cynicism (shared by almost every NHL observer, including most Blues fans), they went on to win the 2019 Stanley Cup.
  ETERNAL PAIN
  UT: Sticks and stones may break your bones, but being a Blues fan? That pain lasts forever. Last year emphasized these feelings. A white-hot start to the season, only for misery to be the main export as everyone got injured and the team collapsed down the stretch. And you lost your novelty as the only expansion team to make the Cup.
  Caption: [over footage of T.J. Oshie's victory lap with the Cup as a Capital] ...AND ANOTHER OLD FAN FAVORITE WON THE CUP
  UT: This status quo must continue! Begin the acquisition of another elite first line center in Ryan O'Reilly. The core is interesting and shows promise, but I fear it's not going to be enough in the brutal division you're in. And there's also that goaltending situation; you need more Playoffs '17 Jake Allen and less of whatever the fuck last year was. Enjoy your first- or second-round playoff elimination, St. Louis! At least put on some lube if you're going to fuck your fans again...

The Haters Guide to the 2018 MLB Postseason

• The malicious nicknames from the NHL season previews continue apace; the Cleveland Indians are WAHOO'S LAST STAND, while the Atlanta Braves are THE TOMAHAWK CHOP.

The Haters Guide to the 2018 World Series

• Another Haters Guide, another set of malicious nicknames. The Cleveland Indians are walking THE TRAIL OF TEARS, while the Milwaukee Brewers get the caption PLEASE FUCKING KILL ME.
• Tree makes no attempt whatever to hide his disgust at the prospect of a World Series between two teams with money to burn and reputations for arrogant fans, and describes the contest between the Boston Red Sox and the Los Angeles Dodgers as "You're Fucked: The Series".

The Haters Guide to the 2018/19 NBA Season

• Even more malicious nicknames: the Charlotte Hornets are THE CRYING JORDAN, the Cleveland Cavaliers are at the BOTTOM OF LAKE ERIE, the Miami Heat ask REMEMBER WHEN WE HAD LEBRON?, the Minnesota Timberwolves are THE TIMID AND THE TIMBERWOLVES, Tree calls on New York Knicks' owner to SELL THE TEAM, DOLAN, while on the Orlando Magic he asks THIS TEAM EXISTS?, the Philadelphia 76ers are THE ETERNAL PROCESS, and the Toronto Raptors are THE FACEPLANTING MASCOT.
• As he did the previous season, Tree mostly sums up the non-Golden State teams' prospects for the forthcoming season with some variant on "You're fucked." For example, following on from the nickname for the Knicks.
  UT: James Dolan is releasing a new song with his shitty house band about the Knicks. It's simply called "You're Fucked".
• Predictions for the finals? Why bother?
  UT: Let's be frank, I don't give a fuck who makes the finals, somebody just beat the Warriors. I don't care who does it, LeBron, Houston, the Process, Boston, somebody, anybody! Be the heroes we all need! I and millions of others will celebrate in unison as the league might be unfucked... at least for a day.^note In the end, the Toronto Raptors obliged.

2019 Haters Guides

The Haters Guide to the 2019 NFL Playoffs

• It wouldn't be a Haters Guide without nicknames, although the malice is less overt than in the hockey, baseball, and basketball videos of the preceding months; the Los Angeles Chargers are, as ever, THE DIAMOND DOGS, while the Philadelphia Eagles have been re-born as the REFORMED CHURCH OF FOLES (and their logo is accompanied by an eagle screeching instead of audio of linemen colliding and grunting).
• The New England Patriots' logo is accompanied by a man saying "Hey!!".

The Haters Guide to the 2018 NFL Season: Debriefing

• More snarky nicknames; the Cleveland Browns are dubbed THE RECOVERING FACTORY OF SADNESS, the Pittsburgh Steelers are stuck with DAYS OF PLEASE KILL ME, the soon-to-be-ex-Oakland Raiders are THE AUTUMN FART, the New York Giants are THE EVERLASTING DERP, and the Green Bay Packers are THE GREEN BAY RODGERS.
• The personnel decisions the Browns have made leave Tree confused - but not for the reason you'd expect:
  UT: As strong as the end of their season was, you must admit a cold reality for the Browns: this was another wasted year for them. There were many people screaming at them to fire Hue Jackson after their disastrous 0-16 season, but they chose to stay the course and keep him around. Those shitposters were vindicated as they fell apart in ways that broke the Cleveland scale of pain.
  Headline: CLEVELAND BROWNS: HUE JACKSON ON VERGE OF BECOMING WORST COACH IN NFL HISTORY
  UT: Self-inflicted wounds, a 2-6-1 start, and another nasty civil war in Berea. Casualties were Hue Jackson and Todd Haley.
  Headlines: BROWNS FIRE HUE JACKSON AND TODD HALEY, CITING INTERNAL CLASHING
  HUE JACKSON: 'I KNOW I COULD'VE' TURNED BROWNS OFFENSE AROUND IF NOT FIRED
  UT: Addition by subtraction for the season. At the very least, a return to form gives Browns fans something they haven't had in a long time: hope. Baker Mayfield showed flashes of brilliance slinging the ball around the field, [Caption: "If you control his swagger for good, he should be fine. Let's hope it is."] and I'm interested to see how he develops. The pieces are once again in place for a return to relevance. And they'll be doing it with the guy that brought out their offensive potential in Freddie Kitchens.
  Headline: BROWNS PROMOTE FREDDIE KITCHENS TO HEAD COACH
  UT: Gregg Williams, for the best stretch of Browns football in a long time, is told to fuck off.
  Headline: JETS TO HIRE GREGG WILLIAMS AS NEW DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
  UT: This... makes... sense??
  Caption: BUMMER. I WANTED CONDOLEEZA RICE.

The Haters Guide to Super Bowl 53

• More mocking nicknames? Naturally. The Los Angeles Chargers are THE FALLEN DIAMOND DOGS, the Philadelphia Eagles have gone back to being THE REUNIFIED CHURCH OF WENTZ, and the New Orleans Saints are DROWNING ON BOURBON STREET.^note Misspelled as "drowing". And as a nod to the Saints' elimination coming on the back of a missed penalty call in the fourth quarter, their logo is accompanied by a whistle sound effect instead of linemen colliding and grunting.
• This year, the AFC champions are greeted not with disgust, but disbelief:
  UT: How wonderful. Perhaps two great games ruined or at least tainted thanks to refball. It just feels so unclean, and I can't shake it off of me. Let's just get over to the AFC's contestant.
  NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
  UT: Wait a minute, New England?! These guys are supposed to be dead! I saw them decline with my own two eyes week after week! They lost their best receiver due to a relapse! Gronk is injured as fuck! The defense is a mess! Brady is rickety and old! The goddamn Miami Miracle! We were so close to celebrating an age where the Patriots weren't a guaranteed slot in the AFC Championship!
  Caption: [over footage of Kenyan Drake's winning touchdown for the Dolphins in the Miami Miracle] THIS WILL GO DOWN AS A HOLLOW VICTORY. FOR ALL PARTIES INVOLVED. SHAME.
  UT: Even most Patriots fans were expecting the inevitable when the playoffs began! All of us were fooled. I can only describe the return of the Patriots to the Super Bowl as black magic. For a team to look as vulnerable and weak as they have been to suddenly look like the championship contenders of years past? The dark arts is the only logical reason. Let's be real with ourselves, would we really be surprised if Bill Belichick is a disciple of Ba'al?
  Caption: SAD WHEN BELICHICK BEING A HOODED DEMON MAKES MORE SENSE
• And when covering the NFC champions in the Los Angeles Rams, he talks about the Lolcow video he made where he throttled their owner Stan Kroenke and said that he wanted the Rams to fail...and then while talking about their dominance, he says that he knows that video has aged horribly.
  UT: I'll give this guy (Jared Goff) all the credit in the world for turning his career around, and I have been eating shit ever since that video came out for it. If I had a dollar for every time someone said that video aged poorly [shows multiple comments from his Lolcow video on the Rams talking about how poorly it aged], then I probably would have enough for a new PS4.

The Haters Guide to the 2018/19 NHL Eastern Conference: All-Star Edition

• Nicknames? This video has plenty. The Carolina Hurricanes have gone back to being THE BRASS BONANZA (and are heralded by a goal siren instead of a buzzer), the Detroit Red Wings are DARKNESS WITH HARKNESS 2.0, the New York Islanders are THE EGGMEN OF LONG ISLAND, the Ottawa Senators are compared to the 1990/91 TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS ^note  The Leafs went 23-46-11 and came in last in their conference, traded their 3rd overall draft pick the following year to the New Jersey Devils, and hoped that Scott Niedermayer wouldn't bite them in the rear. (Which, inevitably, he did, playing an integral role in the Devils' three Stanley Cup wins.) (and are introduced with a Stock Scream of horror instead of a buzzer), and the Washington Capitals are more specifically introduced as the STANLEY CUP CHAMPION WASHINTON CAPITALS. The Tampa Bay Lightning don't get a nickname, but their dominant regular season prompts Tree to introduce them with a thunderclap instead of a buzzer.
• The Carolina Hurricanes' recent performance causes Tree to bring back one of his characters:
  Hurricanes Man: GOOD NEWS RALEIGH, I'VE BEEN REHIRED BY THIS FINE ORGANIZATION! EVERYTHING IS COMING UP BRASS BONANZA FOR THE HURRICANES! THE TEAM IS LOADED WITH SEXY TALENT, OUR FARM SYSTEM IS STRONGER THAN EVER, WE'RE ANALYTICAL DARLINGS! WE HAVE AN OUTSIDE CHANCE OF CLINCHING AN WILD CARD BERTH!!!
  UT: (in his normal voice) At this point I must announce that the Hurricanes still do not have reliable goaltending, regret the Jeff Skinner trade, and Jordan Staal has had an injury filled year.
  Hurricanes Man: BUT WHO WANTS TO HEAR NEGATIVE THINGS, LET'S BRING BACK THE WHALERS' UNIFORM! "BRASS BONANZA" RINGS THROUGHOUT THE ARENA AS THE FANS ARE SLOWLY STARTING TO COME BACK TO OUR GAMES! THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION!! PLEASE RISE FOR OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
  [clips of two of the Hurricanes' post-game celebrations, one in which they stand in a line and slap their sticks against the ice rhythmically in (approximate) unison, another in which they form two lines in front of the goal as Andrei Svechnikov slides down the middle toward the goal like a baseball player sliding into home plate.]
  Headline: BRIAN BURKE, EX-NHL EXECUTIVE, CURRENT ANALYST, ON HURRICANES' WIN CELEBRATION: 'PEE-WEE GARBAGE STUFF'
  Caption: CRY MORE, BURKE
  Hurricanes Man: KEEP COMING TO OUR GAMES!!! [as "COME TO OUR GAMES!" flashes on screen]
• Tree prepares to indulge in one of his favourite hobbies: laughing at Marc Bergevin. It doesn't quite pan out...
  MONTREAL CANADIENS
  UT: Ah, the wonderful time of the year where I get to point and laugh at Bergevin. It's one of my most cherished narratives in the hockey sphere. Look at all of those terrible moves he made this off-season! Trading Galchenyuk for an unproven scorer in Max Domi, who's promptly turned into a... massive... success. But wait, there was when they undressed Patches repeatedly and traded him for goddamn Tomáš Tatar!... who's returned to form... What about Jesperi Kotkaniemi, he's... showing... incredible promise. But Shea Weber and Carey Price, they can't stay healthy as they... revive as the franchise cornerstones. Doesn't mean that the Canadiens are a... fast... youthful... team fighting for... playoff contention. Did Bergevin just pull his ultimate Bergevin? Laughable move after laughable move to turn the Habs into a decent team? To the relief of haters, there are some moves he's made that are killing them. Karl Alzner has been a disaster.
  Headline: KARL ALZNER CLEARS WAIVERS, ASSIGNED TO THE LAVAL ROCKET
  UT: But I'm still interested to see how they play moving forward. The only thing missing is a really cute puppy.
  Headline: [over children cheering and footage of said really cute puppy] MEET FLAMBO, THE MONTREAL CANADIENS' NEWEST MVP, OR MOST VALUABLE PUP
  UT: You win this round, Marc.
• The Ottawa Senators have been just as big a disaster as Tree predicted, and we get several Call Backs to the pre-season video, including using the "gumball" Special Stage theme from Sonic the Hedgehog 3 as background music (switching to the Act 1 boss theme from Sonic & Knuckles when he points out that the Senators' first-round draft pick was traded to the Colorado Avalanche, meaning that a terrible season will not benefit them in the draft) and a reference to Pierre Dorion's notorious interview with Rogers Sportsnet's David Amber:
  UT: This is a team. That is the only positive of them.

The Haters Guide to the 2018/19 NHL Western Conference: All-Star Edition

• More nicknames! The Anaheim Ducks are MAC_QUACK.WAV,^note One of the recurring sound cues in Tree's videos. the Edmonton Oilers are DEEPWATER HORIZON, the Minnesota Wild are now the MINNESOTA MILD, and the St. Louis Blues are still ETERNAL PAIN.
• As with the previous NHL Western Conference Haters Guide, Tree's analysis of the Blues is justifiably pessimistic given their disastrous first half of the season, but it becomes funnier in light of their Stanley Cup triumph five months later:
  ETERNAL PAIN
  UT: Even by Blues standards, this has been a punch to the gut. Despite their attempts to bolster the forward core with talent, the only result of such movement has been horrible paaaaaain! Disappointment after disappointment littered the year with blown leads aplenty. Jake Allen is still the epitome of inconsistency, err to the side of trash. The defense is a massive dud as all physicality vanishes and Jay Bouwmeester ages by the day. Vladimir Tarasenko slumping in production when the league is becoming offensively driven.
  Headline: ST. LOUIS BLUES FIRE HEAD COACH MIKE YEO, NAME CRAIG BERUBE INTERIM
  UT: Mike Yo-yo given the golden boot as coach for Craig Berube. He hasn't been able to get anything out of St. Louis besides more misery. Players openly fighting each other in practice. Rumblings of dismantling the core spread like wildfire.
  Headlines: BLUES TRADE TRACKER: WHO'S LIKELY TO LEAVE?
  TARASENKO ON THE TRADE BLOCK!?
  BLUES' BLUE LINE SHAKEUP IS COMING
  UT: Even as they are within fighting distance [Headline: "Berube's Blues playing well enough to make run at playoffs"] [Caption: "PROBABLY THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO THEM"] for the playoffs, more agony awaits with every passing day. Don't worry, Blues fans, everything is going to be okay. It's not because of Jordan Binnington's strong start in net either. You got a puppy.
  Headline: [over footage of Barclay, the Labrador retriever puppy adopted by the St. Louis Blues] PUPPY PRACTICES WITH TEAM... MOST ADORABLE SKATE EVER!!!
  UT: Everything is always better with puppies, especially slow-burning tire fires.
  Caption: [as Barclay drops the hockey stick he is carrying in his mouth] HAD IT. LOST IT.
  UT: That poor dog doesn't realize their pain has just begun!

The Haters Guide to the 2019 MLB Season: American League Edition

• This time, the nicknames are in few. The Cleveland Indians are CLEVELAND'S DEAD WAHOOS, the Minnesota Twins are THE GOODWILL TWINS, and the Seattle Mariners are asked WHY DON'T YOU WEAR A CUP?.

The Haters Guide to the 2019 MLB Season: National League Edition

• Similarly, this video only has two nicknames. The Atlanta Braves are once again THE TOMAHAWK CHOP, and their division rival Philadelphia Phillies are NOT THE FLYERS.
• For that matter, said Phillies team last year looked like they were about to be relevant for the first time in years only to spend the entire fourth quarter of the season in complete disarray^note After a very good 7-4 win against the Boston Red Sox at home, they were 66-53, but in their very next game they would lose to the New York Mets 24-4 at home, which they never recovered from as they proceeded to be the second worst team in the MLB in that stretch only ahead of the Baltimore Orioles. They finished 80-82 for their sixth straight losing season. This year, however, John Middleton spent stupid money, including getting one of the biggest prizes in free agency and have real expectations on them. And maybe they have another?
  UT: Last year brought about a tantalizing taste of glory's past only for it to completely collapse on a sea of awful bullpens and bats replaced with sawdust. This year, though, the Phillies are hoping that will change. The core has been loaded and supplanted with elite talent across the board. Meet the new kings of Philly: JT Realmuto, a legit bullpen arm in David Robertson, real shortstop Jean Segura, former MVP Andrew Mc Cutchen and the grandest prize of all: Bryce Harper. [Headline: Bryce Harper signs 13-year, $330 million contract with Philadelphia Phillies] Plucked from DC for the mere price of Independence Hall and accompanying Liberty Bell. Get used to each other; it'll be a long stay. Another Fortnite late-in implosion will not be acceptable! It's playoffs or bust for these boys! Now just wait until they can get their hands on the local Mike Trout. [Headline: Mike Trout reaches record-breaking 12-year, $430 million extension with Angels, accompanied with the Engineer's "NOPE!"] The hell you mean he's off the market?!

The Haters Guide to the 2018-19 NHL Playoffs

• Nicknames are few again, with the San Jose Sharks being the PERENNIAL COCKTEASE, the New York Islanders dubbed EGGMAN'S REVENGE, the Pittsburgh Penguins of course being THE FUCKING PENGUINS and the Carolina Hurricanes again are THE BRASS BONANZA. Each team also gets their home arena goal horn rather than a generic siren to introduce them, save for the Tampa Bay Lightning who get another thunderclap this time to salute their NHL record-tying 62-win regular season.
• Tree's patience with the Sharks has come to a breaking point, especially after San Jose spent the last month of the regular season in freefall, and it shows:
  UT: The last thing your fans, hell I, will accept is another early bow-out with this much talent. Don't you dare fucking do it. I know you want to, I know DeBoer's dying to be tactically spanked again, but for the love of God, just don't. I will personally hunt you all down if you fail again.... by that, I mean bitch on my computer and make some passive aggressive video.^note And he did, with the Sharks' exit in the Western Conference Final prompting the creation of "An Open Letter to the San Jose Sharks".
• The Hurricanes segments gets an early start with the first few bars of Brass Bonanza playing at the end of the Penguins segment, and begins proper with the return of Hurricanes Man:
  THE BRASS BONANZA
  Hurricanes Man: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRALEIGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WE'RE FINALLY BACK! A STORM SURGE IS APPROACHING THE POSTSEASON! REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE MADE IT HERE?
  [Cut to a highlight of the Penguins beating the Hurricanes in the 2009 Eastern Conference Final]
  Hurricanes Man: [in a nerdy voice] Sorry, wrong footage.
  [Cut to highlights of the 2018-19 Hurricanes]
  Hurricanes Man: [screaming again] THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! THE HURRICANES ARE TAKING NO PRISONERS THIS TIME AROUND! WE HAVE THINGS AGAIN! PROMISING YOUTH, STURDY DEFENSE, ADEQUATE GOALTENDING! WE'VE DEFIED EXPECTATIONS ALL YEAR LONG! JUST LOOK AT THE AAF FOR WHAT DESTRUCTION WE CAN CAUSE!
  Headline: TOM DUNDON SUDDENLY SHUTS DOWN THE FLEDGLING AAF
  Hurricanes Man: FUCK PORNHUB, THE ONLY THING YOU SHOULD BE COMING TO ARE OUR GAMES!

The Haters Guide to the 2018/19 NHL Season: Debriefing

• Nicknames as usual, and in few once again. The Buffalo Sabres are TARO TSUJIMOTO'S MIRAGE, the Florida Panthers live down to ANNUALY [SIC] FAILED EXPECTATIONS and are introduced with a cat meowing instead of a buzzer, and on the Ottawa Senators Tree wonders IS THIS A TEAM? as he once again introduces them with a Stock Scream of horror, backed by the "gumball machine" Special Stage music from Sonic the Hedgehog 3.

The Haters Guide to the 2019 Stanley Cup Final

• Would it be a Haters' Guide without nicknames? Tree tells the Winnipeg Jets that YOU LOOK NERVOUS, the Tampa Bay Lightning fell apart over SIX DAYS IN APRIL, the New York Islanders are SCRAMBLED EGGS, the San Jose Sharks are once again the PERENNIAL COCKTEASE, and the Carolina Hurricanes are a FRONTRUNNING BUNCH OF JERKS. Meanwhile, the two finalists are presented with their goal horns and have their goal songs ("Gloria" as covered by Laura Branigan for the Blues, "Kernkraft 400" by Zombie Nation for the Bruins) playing over their respective segments.
• The Tampa Bay Lightning don't get the usual discussion of their failure from Tree. Instead...
  SIX DAYS IN APRIL
  UT: (deadpan over footage of the Blue Jackets sweeping the Lightning as we hear Tree laughing uproariously in the background) We don't have any words and we know you don't want to hear them. We understand your anger, your frustration, your sadness. Everything you're feeling – we get it. This isn't the ending we imagined, and certainly not the one we wanted. Thank you for being there the entire way. (Mr. Kincade yells "You blew it! You had it all and you blew it!")
  (Test Pattern)
  Message on TV screen: My sides died while returning to their home planet
• Tree kicks off his segment on the Blues by mentioning a rather... controversial culinary trend in St. Louis.
  UT: Before we continue with our tale, I must run to the store for a delicious...
  [Cuts to footage of someone bread-slicing a bagel "St. Louis style" with a Scare Chord]
  UT: [sounding increasingly pained] Sliced... bagel. I just don't understand how you could do this to a defenseless bagel, it's COMPLETELY barbaric! [normal voice] Alexa, play "Gloria" please.
• "Did you know that there are three month olds living in this world that have never experienced a Boston team win a championship? It's a terrible thought to imagine. Who doesn't want to see them host another parade in their city...besides a majority of the civilized world?!"

The Haters Guide to the 2019 NBA Finals

• Only a handful of nicknames, but still laugh-worthy. The Utah Jazz are the DEAD MORMONS SOCIETY, while the Milwaukee Bucks' collapse against the Toronto Raptors earns them the nickname TOTAL ROADKILL. And between the conference semi-finals and conference finals, Tree finds another moment to trot out SELL THE TEAM, DOLAN as he laughs at the outcome of the draft lottery.
• The San Antonio Spurs are trailing by four points with 15 seconds left in Game 7 against the Denver Nuggets. Comeback time, right? Well...
  UT: Doesn't help that DeRozan maintained his choking form from Toronto, but at least you can fight back.
  [as the Nuggets' Nikola Jokic holds onto the ball just outside the 3-point line, the Spurs players... completely ignore him for almost six seconds. Crickets chirp in the background]
  UT: ... ya gonna foul them, Spurs?! Must be nice to just lie down and die in a pivotal Game 7.
• The Pistons have made the playoffs. The positives end there...
  DETROIT PISTONS
  UT: [bored] Oh, you're here? I'm supposed to be impressed by you making the playoffs? You know what, just go over there. There may be some wannabe relevant franchises you can talk to in the corner. Detroit can even boast about their [over a tweet from Stats by STATS] fourteen straight playoff losses?! Dear God, that's depressing!^note Per the tweet, the Pistons set a new record for consecutive playoff losses in the NBA, and tied the 1993-2001 Los Angeles Kings for the second most consecutive playoff losses in North American sports, behind only the 1975-79 Chicago Black Hawks (who lost 16 in a row).
• The Nets are Damned by Faint Praise as the best team in New York after a drama-laden collapse to the 76ers:
  BROOKLYN NETS
  UT: I find ironic joy in the fact that the Nets, despite not having their first round pick in five years, have a stronger team than their in-city foe in the Knicks.
  Caption: SELL THE TEAM, DOLAN
  UT: Unfortunately, this means nothing as they can't compete with the Sixers despite a first game win. Everyone had a good laugh at Jared Dudley trying to size up Ben Simmons [Headline: Jared Dudley takes shot at 'average' Ben Simmons] [Caption: STILL A BETTER "AVERAGE" THAN DUDLEY] to no avail as D'Angelo Russell gets caught smuggling weed in an iced tea can.
  Headline: D'ANGELO RUSSELL BUSTED FOR WEED AT AIRPORT
  STASHED IN ARIZONA TEA CAN
  UT: I guess you could call that their thought process during the last four games. Oh yeah, and there was a ref fuck-up [Headline: NBA: Nets' Jarrett Allen Was Fouled Late in Game 4 vs. 76ers] [Caption: "OOPS!" ~NBA] but that's pretty standard across every league. Maybe we should get the GM to charge into their locker room again.
  Headline: NETS GENERAL MANAGER SEAN MARKS SUSPENDED FOR ENTERING REFEREE LOCKER ROOM AFTER GAME 4
• The Knicks may not be in the playoffs, but they haven't been forgotten - though they may wish they had been...
  SELL THE TEAM, DOLAN
  UT: [over footage of the 2019 NBA Draft lottery] Yeah, they aren't in the playoffs, doesn't mean I can't laugh at these fuckers. You remember all the talk they made about how they were going to get Zion?
  Headline: REPORT: KNICKS MAY TARGET ANTHONY DAVIS TRADE IF THEY LAND THE NO.1 DRAFT PICK, ZION WILLIAMSON
  UT: Well, if they didn't drink copious amounts of mercury and trade the No.1 pick for Anthony Davis. Fortunately, the basketball gods believe in karma.
  [cut to the draft lottery, with the Lakers having landed the No.4 pick and the Knicks, Grizzlies, and Pelicans waiting to see who gets which of the top three picks; Deputy Commissioner Mark Tatum is preparing to announce the No.3 pick]
  Mark Tatum: The third pick goes to... [opens envelope] the New York Knicks. ["Bankrupt" siren from Wheel of Fortune]
  UT: [over footage of despairing crowds at Knicks watch parties while Tidus and his fake laugh appear bottom right] Just look at these reactions, man! All of their foolish ambitions just dead in an instant. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the cherry on top: guess who got the No.1 pick. THE PELICANS! [laughs uproariously as a clip from the Simpsons episode "Homie the Clown" appears top right]
  Distraught Kid: [watching Homer beat the Krusty Burglar bloody] Stop! STOP! He's already dead!
  UT: You were dreaming of Zion, KD, and Kyrie on the same back court, but we all know how this is going to go. You'll get Anthony Davis after a massive overpay and max contracts to, let's say... Khris Middleton and Tobias Harris.^note In the end, they got none of those three players; Davis went to the Lakers, Middleton to the Bucks, and Harris to the 76ers. Instead, the Knicks pretty much went power forward crazy the next season. Sounds ridiculous, but this is the Knicks, they always fuck it up. [over footage of James Dolan] Sell the fucking team already, Dolan!
  Caption: IMAGINE BEING THIS INSECURE ABOUT YOUR GODAWFUL SPORTS FRANCHISES
  UT: At least you can comfort yourselves by saying you're not the Cavs, Suns, or Bulls...^note Funnily enough, the Suns comparison would be made moot about a year or two later with them making it to the 2020 NBA Bubble when none of the other teams got there (albeit barely) and were perfect there (though fell short of the play-in tournament for the playoffs that year), with both the Suns and Knicks later making it to the 2021 NBA Playoffs altogether, ending their playoff droughts there.
• When Tree gets to the Finals participants, he is stunned by Toronto not choking, but noted that the Warriors would probably get their injured starters Kevin Durant and "Boogie" Cousins during the series. Tree resorts to calling on higher powers to will the Raptors to victory:
  UT: [over a hymn choir reminiscent of a religious service] O most heavenly guardians of the hardwood, please do not allow the Raptors to be fucked. Guide the spirit of Kawhi to exact vengeance for the curse of Zaza. May their mascot not repeatedly faceplant on the floor throughout the series as it has always done. Let the threes drain with authority and the rebounds be plentiful. In the name of the Carter, the Drake, and the Holy Masai Ujiri, amen.^note Tree's prayers would eventually be answered, the Raptors won the NBA Finals in 6 games, helped by Kevin Durant injuring his Achilles during his return in Game 5 and other injuries to key players.

The Haters Guide to the 2019 MLB Season: AL All-Star Edition

• Nicknames aplenty. Tree tells the Baltimore Orioles THEY'RE A TEAM, the Toronto Blue Jays are in RAPTORS COUNTRY, the Detroit Tigers are an IRRELEVANT FRANCHISE, the Kansas City Royals are driving in a MILITARY-GRADE TANK, and the Minnesota Twins are yet again THE GOODWILL TWINS.
• Tree spares none of his wrath from the Orioles. The comparison to the Senators is just the beginning...
  THEY'RE A TEAM
  (Footage of a dumpster fire)
  Caption over footage: THE BALTIMORE ORIOLES
  2019, COLORIZED
  Announcer from "Baseball Bugs": Oi! What a game!
  (Footage of the conga line from "Baseball Bugs" over footage of Orioles pitchers repeatedly being blasted for homeruns)
  UT: I knew you were going to be shit, but dear God. Chris Davis is the least of your issues.
  Headline: CHRIS DAVIS SETS MARK FOR LONGEST HITLESS STREAK IN FRONT OF RECORD-LOW ORIOLES CROWD
  UT: You're not only on pace to set the record for most home runs given up, you're going to shatter it.
  Headline: ORIOLES PITCHING STAFF FASTES TO GIVE UP 100 HOME RUNS IN MLB HISTORY
  UT: Are you guys even trying at this point?

The Haters Guide to the 2019 MLB Season: NL All-Star Edition

• Nicknames? Of course! The Atlanta Braves are once again THE TOMAHAWK CHOP, the New York Mets are LOLMETS once again, the Philadelphia Phillies are the BROKEN LIBERTY BELL, and the Chicago Cubs are told NO, CUBS, NO.
• Tree's scorn for the Mets goes beyond the title card; he brings back Mets Man to laugh at their top-to-bottom misfortune:
  LOLMETS
  Mets Man: [with "Meet the Mets" playing in the background] Even after a glorious celebration of our finest achievement of the 21st century, LOLMets never takes a day off! Every day brings new adventures to our eternally grateful fans! Over twenty blown leads by our bullpen, wasted talent throughout the roster, and - oh, that Robinson Canó!
  Headline: ROBINSON CANO EXPLAINS BLATANTLY NOT TRYING WITH EXCUSES, NO APOLOGY
  Mets Man: [over footage of a fire breaking out at the St. Lucie Mets' 4 July fireworks display] We start the failure out early in our developmental cycle as well! Look at how our minor league affiliate botches fireworks to cause a four-alarm shitshow!
  Headline: FIRE BREAKS OUT AT ST. LUCIE METS' STADIUM AFTER FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS
  Caption: [Windows 95 "Ta-da!" sound] FRED COUPON APPROVED!
  Mets Man: Another successful Metting! Our newest promotion: Collapse Night! Every time our wonderful bullpen falls apart on itself, our GM will throw a chair at you while glued to your seat!
  Headline: REPORT: METS' BRODE VAN WEGENEN THREW CHAIR DURING HEATED MEETING WITH COACHES
  Mets Man: We'd allow you to move, but then you'd hit that chair for a two-run double! [over footage of the Home Run Derby] At least Peter Alonso won the Derby? Hey, they won something, unlike the Knicks!

The Haters Guide to the 2019 NFL Season: AFC Edition

• Nicknames, nicknames, nicknames! The Pittsburgh Steelers present DILEMMAS IN YINZERLAND, the Indianapolis Colts are a FRANCHISE QB GRAVEYARD (and their logo, kept still and slowly expanding as opposed to shaking around, is accompanied with a booming sound instead of linemen colliding) in a nod to the premature demise of Andrew Luck's career, Tree quotes Rams' defensive end Michael Brockers to say of the Los Angeles Chargers that I STILL THINK THEY'RE IN SAN DIEGO, and the soon-to-be ex-Oakland Raiders are PINING FOR LAS VEGAS...

The Haters Guide to the 2019 NFL Season: NFC Edition

• Only a few nicknames, but still a source of mirth; the Washington Redskins are PROOF THAT KARMA EXISTS, the Chicago Bears are ruing their 43-YARD FIELD GOAL ATTEMPTS, and the New Orleans Saints are feeling VICTIMHOOD IN NEW ORLEANS.

The Haters Guide to the 2019 MLB Postseason

• The nicknames return in force, as the New York Yankees are SAVAGES IN THE BOX, the Minnesota Twins are THE BOMBA SQUAD, the Tampa Bay Rays are dubbed THE ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS, the Atlanta Braves are once again THE TOMAHAWK CHOP, and the Washington Nationals are THE UNCURSED NATIONALS.

The Haters Guide to the 2019/20 NHL Season: Eastern Conference Edition

• Ten of sixteen teams get snarky nicknames this time; the Boston Bruins are led by CRYING BRAD MARCHAND, the Carolina Hurricanes are A BUNCH OF JERKS, the Detroit Red Wings are SOMEHOW NOT DEAD WINGS, the Florida Panthers are likened to SISYPHUS AND THE BOULDER, the Montreal Canadiens are part of BERGEVIN'S 8-D CHESS, the New York Rangers say that at least WE AREN'T THE KNICKS?, the Ottawa Senators are *TITLE REDACTED TO SAVE MELNYK MONEY*, the Pittsburgh Penguins are HANS MOLEMAN'S SEPTAGENARIAN CRISIS, the Tampa Bay Lightning are told YOU'RE DEAD TO ME, and the Toronto Maple Leafs are BOSTON STRONGED.

The Haters Guide to the 2019/20 NHL Season: Western Conference Edition

• More snarky nicknames! The Anaheim Ducks are a CHINESE DUCK MARKET, the Arizona Coyotes are PARCHED IN THE DESERT, the Los Angeles Kings are suffering GRADUAL REGICIDE, the Minnesota Wild are THE MINNESOTA SPORTS STEREOTYPE, and the San Jose Sharks are told DON'T CRY FOR ME, PAVELSKI.

The Haters Guide to the 2019 World Series

• More nicknames - the Minnesota Twins are PROPERTY OF THE NEW YORK YANKEES, the Los Angeles Dodgers collapsed across SEVEN DAYS IN OCTOBER and the Atlanta Braves are THE TOMAHAWK CRATER in reference to them giving up 10 runs in the top of the first inning and losing 13-1 in game 5 in the NLDS against the Cardinals.
• Tree introduces the National League's contender for the World Series with another reference to Groundhog Day, showing a scene where the radio plays "I Got You Babe"... followed by Phil smashing the radio.
  UT: The Washington Nationals have made the World Series. Exactly as everyone in baseball had foreseen.

The Haters Guide to the 2019/20 NBA Season

• Nicknames? But of course! The Charlotte Hornets are once again THE CRYING JORDANS, the Cleveland Cavaliers are THE MISTAKE BY THE LAKE, the Detroit Pistons are an INTERCHANGEABLE DETROIT FRANCHISE, the Golden State Warriors are the ABANDONED BANDWAGON, the Houston Rockets are NOT A POLITICAL TEAM, the Minnesota Timberwolves are THE MINNESOTA TIMBERBULLS, the New York Knicks are inevitably told to SELL THE TEAM, DOLAN, the Oklahoma City Thunder's misfortunes cause LAUGHING IN SEATTLE, Tree tells the Phoenix Suns to SELL THE TEAM, SARVER, and the Utah Jazz play in THE LAND OF MORMONS.
• With the collapse of the Golden State Warriors' superteam, Tree gleefully revels in the NBA's newfound sense of parity. Except for the Atlanta Hawks...
  UT: You're still building out of being fucked. You have permission to watch old ass Vince Carter for the ten minutes he plays a game.

The Haters Guide to the 2019 MLB Season: Debriefing

• Despite this one coming well after the World Series was finished, there were still nicknames galore. The Baltimore Orioles are on the receiving end of WHAM, A HOMAH!, the Cleveland Indians are haunted by THE GHOST OF CHIEF WAHOO, both the Detroit Tigers and Pittsburgh Pirates are IRRELEVANT FRANCHISE, the New York Mets are eternally LOLMETS, the Philadelphia Phillies are PHILADELPHIA'S NEW DREAM TEAM, the Chicago Cubs believe EVERY GAME MATTERS, the Colorado Rockies are DEAD HUMIDORS, and the San Francisco Giants are OL' YELLER: THE TEAM.
• On that note, when he gets to the Giants, he gives them a sentimental piece knowing that although they could be facing a bleak future, they can give Bruce Bochy a good sendoff after leading them to three World Series titles and 2,000 career wins, knowing he can take his well deserved place in Cooperstown...and then the mood is ruined when he concludes by getting to the fact that they hired Gabe Kapler after he was terminated from the Phillies following his ugly two years there.

2020 Haters Guides

The Haters Guide to the 2020 NFL Playoffs

• The nicknames continue, with the Tennessee Titans measuring at 3.6 ROENTGEN, the Houston Texans pegged for a QUALITY PLAYOFF LOSS, the New England Patriots NEED MORE FILMING DEVICES, and the Philadelphia Eagles are an ENDANGERED SPECIES. In addition, the Minnesota Vikings are given a sound of a horn replacing the typical linemen crunch, and the Eagles are introduced by the cry of an eagle.
• While going over the Saints, footage of one of their games against the Buccaneers - specifically, a Marcus Williams interception of a Jameis Winston pass. As is per tradition for Tree, the Winston interception is punctuated by the ding of a kitchen timer going off.

The Haters Guide to Super Bowl 54

• Nicknames, nicknames, nicknames — this time, every team eliminated in the playoffs gets one. The Buffalo Bills are OFFENSE NOT INCLUDED, the New England Patriots are A FADING EMPIRE?, the Philadelphia Eagles are EXTINCT, the New Orleans Saints BLEW DAT, the Houston Texans are told to FIRE BILL O'BRIEN, the Baltimore Ravens are SIXTY MINUTES IN JANUARY, the Minnesota Vikings suffer THE TYPICAL ENDING, the Seattle Seahawks are LIFELESS IN LAMBEAU, the Tennessee Titans had A DETHRONED KING, and the Green Bay Packers are FRAUDS.
• When the 49ers were discussed, footage of a Jameis Winston interception is shown, and another kitchen timer goes off as the ball is picked. And then another Winston interception is shown (this time when discussing Richard Sherman) and another kitchen timer goes off.

The Haters Guide to the 2019 NFL Season: Debriefing

• Another bonanza of nicknames! The Miami Dolphins are reduced to SMOLDERING PANZERS, the Cincinnati Bengals have to face the fact that MIKE BROWN IS STILL ALIVE (and, as usual, are accompanied by "Gwyn, Lord of Cinder" from Dark Souls), the Pittsburgh Steelers are now undergoing DAYS OF OUR CHEMO, the Jacksonville Jaguars are SACKEDSONVILLE, the Denver Broncos are stuck in A WORLD OF SUCK, the Los Angeles Chargers are enduring a SILENT COUNT TO DEATH, the departure of the Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas means YOU'RE FREE NOW, OAKLAND, the Dallas Cowboys are caught up in JERRY'S WILD EGO TRIP, the Detroit Lions suffer because GOD HATES DETROIT, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have shelves full of BURNT PASTRIES (cue many kitchen timers going off over a montage of Jameis Winston turnovers).

The Haters Guide to the 2019/20 NHL Eastern Conference: All-Star Edition

• You guessed it: even more nicknames! For this go-round, the Columbus Blue Jackets are asked WHY WON'T YOU DIE?, the Detroit Red Wings are back to being THE DEAD THINGS, the Montreal Canadiens are the embodiment of BERGEVIN'S QUANDARY, the New York Rangers are saying SELL THE TEAM, DOLAN?, the Ottawa Senators are MELNYK'S BARGAIN BIN, and the Toronto Maple Leafs are suffering DEATH BY SHANAPLAN.
• Hurricanes Man returns for a brief but no less triumphant moment.
  Hurricanes Man: HEY LOOK, EVERYONE, JUSTIN WILLIAMS IS BACK! WE'RE GOING TO THE GODDAMNED CUP FINALS OR WE'LL DIE TRYIIIIING!!!
• As Tree covers the New Jersey Devils, a shot of their former head coach John Hynes is accompanied by a chorus of "BALD!" chants.
• For the Red Wings, Tree shows them no mercy for their disastrous season:
  UT: You’re dead. Your friends are dead. Your family is dead. Everyone you have ever known is dead. Your future generations will be dead. Everything is fucked. Welcome to rock bottom. Good luck, Stevie.

The Haters Guide to the 2019/20 NHL Western Conference: All-Star Edition

• New video, more nicknames. The Arizona Coyotes might have found AN OASIS?, the Chicago Blackhawks are on a QUEST FOR A FIRST ROUND EXIT, the Minnesota Wild are stuck in GROUNDHOG DAY, Tree lets the San Jose Sharks know that I HATE YOU, and the Vegas Golden Knights went ALL IN ON POCKET TENS.
• The "BALD!" chants follow John Hynes over to his hiring by the Nashville Predators, and his appearance in that segment lasts long enough to include the "MY EYES!" from the end of it this time.

The Haters Guide to the 2019/20 NHL Season: Debriefing

• The expanded NHL playoffs may have cut down the number of featured teams, but it means everybody gets a nickname instead. The Anaheim Ducks are lamented but AT LEAST THEY WERE DELICIOUS, the Buffalo Sabres' last minute front office house cleaning is an IRL OREGON TRAIL HUNT, the snapshot of the Detroit Red Wings' current era of darkness is captioned NOT PICTURED: NED HARKNESS, the Los Angeles Kings are still dealing with REGICIDE, Devils GM Ray SHERO FIDDLES WHILE NEW JERSEY BURNS, owner Eugene Melnyk's tampering with the Ottawa Senators' charity arm results in *TITLE EMBEZZLED, MISSING FUNDS* and the San Jose Sharks are firmly stuck in THE WASTELAND OF EIGHT-YEAR CONTRACTS.
• John Hynes makes an appearance in the Devils segment and once again, it is accompanied by the "BALD!" chants.

The Haters Guide to the 2020 NHL Playoffs: Play-In Edition

• One-third of the 24 teams got nicknames; the Arizona Coyotes are THE LOLCOW IN THE DESERT, the Minnesota Wild are HOPELESSNESS PERSONIFIED, the Calgary Flames are told to LET IT BURN, BABY, the Nashville Predators have been CATFISHING FOR LOVE, the Edmonton Oilers may or may not have HOME ICE ADVANTAGE?, the Montreal Canadiens ROLLED 10 LUCK ON THE DICE, the Toronto Maple Leafs are told FUCK GORDON STUCKLESS, and the Tampa Bay Lightning died the previous year of AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION.

The Haters Guide to the 2020 NFL Season: AFC Edition

• More football, more nicknames! For the Miami Dolphins he states WHO CARES THE HEAT ARE GOOD, the New England Patriots wear TATTERED HOODIES, the Cleveland Browns revolve in JIMMY'S PERPETUAL CYCLE, the Jacksonville Jaguars have been SELLING OFF PARTS OF THE TANK, the Denver Broncos are HOPING TO RETIRE TO STUD, the Kansas City Chiefs have TRANSCENDENT CAPOLOGY, the Raiders moving to Las Vegas means RIP OAKLAND, and despite the Chargers being in Los Angeles, he thinks EVERYONE WILL STILL CALL THEM THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS.

The Haters Guide to the 2020 NFL Season: NFC Edition

• Yet another helping of nicknames. He asks the Philadelphia Eagles WHAT DID YOU SELL FOR THAT SUPER BOWL?, the Chicago Bears are the remnants of RYAN PACE'S CRUMBLING DREAMS, the Detroit Lions are THE EDSELS, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are making FORCED PUNS IN TOMPA BAY, he criticizes the Los Angeles Rams stating that THIS LOGO IS AWFUL, and the San Francisco 49ers are a MASS TRIAGE UNIT.

The Haters Guide to the 2020 NBA Finals

• Everybody gets one here! The Portland Trail Blazers are THE MERRY BAND OF YOU'RE FUCKED, with how the Oklahoma City Thunder surged midway through the season he wonders if THEY OVERACHIEVED THIS YEAR?, the Dallas Mavericks have been EUROSTASH'D, the Utah Jazz face JOSEPH SMITH'S WRATH, the Orlando Magic, playing in Orlando, have HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE?, the Brooklyn Nets don't get one because THIS TEXT WAS INJURED, the Philadelphia 76ers were destroyed amidst the process and are WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY, the Indiana Pacers must ask WHAT IS PLAYOFF PERFORMANCE?, the Houston Rockets faced a STEPBACK INTO A BUBBLE VIOLATION, the Los Angeles Clippers' horrifying collapse earns them the name of PANDEMIC P AND THE CHOKING LAC'S, another destruction from the Milwaukee Bucks leaves them as ROADKILL, he asks the Toronto Raptors IS THAT PATRICE BERGERON?, the Denver Nuggets leave him Damned by Faint Praise because AT LEAST YOU BEAT THE CLIPPERS?, and the Boston Celtics LAUGHS IN BILLY KING.

2021 Haters Guides

The Haters Guide to the 2021 NFL Playoffs

• The expansion of the NFL playoffs means more opportunities for nicknames. As a result of the Cleveland Browns making their first playoff appearance in almost two decades, Tree asks WHO ALLOWED THEM IN HERE?, the Baltimore Ravens hit their stride as the result of Lamar Jackson POOING IN THE LOO, he asks about the Pittsburgh Steelers SHOULD I DANCE ON THE LOGO?, the Buffalo Bills' regular season success has resulted in THE GENOCIDE OF TABLES, the Chicago Bears are in VIRGINIA MCCASKEY'S NEATHERREALM, he says about the Los Angeles Rams THIS LOGO IS STILL TERRIBLE, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' playoff appearance has resulted in a JEALOUS BILL BELICHICK, the Washington Football Team is THE NAME REDACTED, and the Seattle Seahawks' play has resulted in MYOCARDIAL INFARCTIONS.

The Haters Guide to the 2021 NHL Season

• Tree gives 12 out of 31 teams nicknames. The Arizona Coyotes are the ANALYTICAL FOOL'S GOLD, the departures of Zdeno Chara and Torey Krug have resulted in the Boston Bruins dealing with DELICIOUS BEANTOWN SALT, he states to the Buffalo Sabres that AT LEAST THE BILLS ARE GOOD?, the Detroit Red Wings have reached ROCK BOTTOM, the Florida Panthers are THE TEAM YOU FOREGET EXISTS, the Montreal Canadiens' unlikely playoff run last year has made them say VIVA LES CANADIENS?, he tells the New York Rangers to HAVE FUN WITH JACK JOHNSON, the Ottawa Senators' spending spree in the offseason have created ADVENTURES NEAR THE CAP FLOOR, the San Jose Sharks are NOW EXILED FROM SAN JOSE due to the COVID-19 restrictions in their home county, the Tampa Bay Lightning's Stanley Cup victory resulted in Tree sadly saying I STILL MISS THE MEMES DAMNIT, the Vegas Golden Knights are PROFESSIONAL CHIRPERS, and the Winnipeg Jets are NOT THE WORST TEAM NAMED THE JETS.

The Haters Guide to Super Bowl 55

• Every team eliminated in the playoffs gets one. The Indianapolis Colts are THE LOST HORSESHOE, the Tennessee Titans are CHOKING ON A GRAPE, the Pittsburgh Steelers are referred to as NAMELESS GRAY FACES, the Chicago Bears' poor playoff performance has had Tree say I'D RATHER SEE THE CARDINALS, the Washington Football Team is once again THE NAME REDACTED, the Seattle Seahawks are a TEAM DYING IN THE WINDOW, the Baltimore Ravens are AUDIBLE TO H 1 N 1, the Cleveland Browns' playoff win over the Steelers have resulted in ANOTHER FACTORY SHUT DOWN, he once again says about the Los Angeles Rams THIS LOGO IS STILL TERRIBLE, the New Orleans Saints BLEW DAT...PERENNIALLY, MARV LEVY SHEDS A TEAR for the Buffalo Bills' deep playoff run, and the Green Bay Packers are an ECONOMIC JIHAD.

The Haters Guide to the 2020 NFL Season: Debriefing

• Eight out of the the eighteen non-playoff teams have been given nicknames. The New York Jets are LOLJETS, the Cincinnati Bengals are doing the usual BUNGLING OF THE FRANCHISE, the Chargers may be in Los Angeles but Tree said THEY SHOULD STILL BE IN SAN DIEGO, the Philadelphia Eagles firing of Doug Pederson have resulted in PHILLY'S OTHER SPECIAL, the Detroit Lions are an IRRELEVANT FRANCHISE, in regards to the Atlanta Falcons in blowing multiple double-digit leads Tree thinks that SOME TEAMS WANT TO WATCH IT BURN, the Arizona Cardinals are the TEXAS TECH RED RAIDERS, and with all the injuries the San Francisco 49ers have dealt with throughout their season he's surprised about HOW IS THE LOGO NOT INJURED?
  • The Houston Texans segment is mostly silent, instead consisting of a montage of Texans fail headlines set to Tuba Smarties.
  • In accordance with the nickname, the Atlanta Falcons feature Joker descending into madness as clips of their many blown leads are shown.

The Haters Guide to the 2021 MLB Season

• Once again some teams were given nicknames. The Toronto Blue Jays were playing in the US for so long they're LONGING FOR CANADA, Tony LaRussa's offseason incident did no favors for the CHICACO DUI SOX, "SELL THE TEAM, DOLAN" is Tree's demand for the Cleveland Indians, the Detroit Tigers' woes were THE BANE OF ILITCH, The Kansas City Royals ask REMEMBER 2015?, the Los Angeles Angels need to SAVE THE TROUT, the Seattle Mariners' CEO's disparaging comments were such he was asked to TRANSLATE UNEMPLOYMENT, the New York Mets' woes led to the formation of LOLMETS ANONYMOUS, Tree is still embarrassed for his hometown Pirates that he asked IS ROGER REALLY JOLLY?, THE ARTFUL DODGERS were basking in their postseason success, and the San Diego Padres are still KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES.
• When going over the LA Angels:
  UT: Oh, and before I forget, they have a legend on the coaching staff now: DICK. PIC. MICK! [Beat, with a headline about pitching coach Mickey Callaway being suspended in the wake of unwelcome behavior] Yeah, it doesn't have the same feeling.

The Haters Guide to the 2021 NHL Playoffs

• Nicknames? Nicknames. The Washington Capitals are IN THE POCKETS OF GEORGE PARROS^note The NHL's head of player safety due to the antics of Tom Wilson, Tree jokes that the Nashville Predators NO, THEY WON'T TAKE A SEAT after bouncing back from their dismal start, the Tampa Bay Lightning's continued success causes Tree to wistfully note I STILL MISS THE MEMES from their collapse in 2019, LE CONFLIT DES CANADIENS^note "The conflict of the Canadiens" stems from Montreal's mixed regular season performance, the Winnipeg Jets are DOWNED MILITARY AIRCRAFT due to their late-season collapse, the Edmonton Oilers become MIKE SMITH'S MAKE-A-WISH CAMPAIGN, THE MARCH OF THE LEAFS FAN begins in earnest with Toronto winning the North Division, the Minnesota Wild's promise has Tree question DID CHARLIE BROWN KICK THE FOOTBALL?, and Tree asks the Vegas Golden Knights HOW THE FUCK DID YOU BLOW THE DIVISION LEAD?.

The Haters Guide to the 2021 NHL Season: Debriefing

• Bring on the nicknames! The Buffalo Sabres' dreadful season has Tree asking WHERE'S KIM?, the New York Rangers are not exactly having FUN WITH JAMES DOLAN, the Philadelphia Flyers' big time failure after preseason speculation of legit Cup contention has him doing an Always Sunny take as THE GANG EXPERIENCES EXISTENTIAL DREAD, Tree requests the Chicago Blackhawks REPORT TO TSAR BOWMAN, after the Dallas Stars go from making the finals the past season to not making the playoffs at all thanks in part to injuries they're an INFIRMARY WARD, he asks the Ottawa Senators if they have a BETTER FUTURE THAN TRUDEADU?, the Vancouver Canucks are facing a JULY 1ST: DAY OF RECKONING, the Anaheim Ducks have ORGANIZATIONAL SHOVELWARE!, and the San Jose Sharks are HOCKEY'S "JAWS 3D".

The Haters Guide to the 2021 Stanley Cup Finals

• More nicknames! The St. Louis Blues have DEAD GLORIA, the Toronto Maple Leafs have BALLARD'S DELIGHT, the Washington Capitals got atTREE CHOOSES VIOLENCE, the Pittsburgh Penguins are now asking WHEN's GARBAGE DAY?^note The nicknaming didn't stop at just the team, as he referred to maligned goalie Tristan Jarry as Martin Fauxdeur. while the Florida Panthers wonder IS IT REALLY SUNRISE?, the Boston Bruins got SAINTS AREN'T IN BOONDOCK, the Carolina Hurricanes thought BUT THEY WENT TO OUR GAMES..., the Vegas Golden Knights had a FAILED CRUSADE, and the New York Islanders had ALL THE KING'S MEN...

The Haters Guide to the 2021 NBA Finals

• Before even starting this video, he lampshades the fact that he's doing a video for the NBA in the 2020-21 season at all by saying this...
  UT: A basketball vid? On this channel? Run for the hills! Dead serious, nothing good ever comes out of these.
• Even the NBA is going to get them nicknames by the time we got to this point for the season! Including the teams that were in the play-in tournament (an expanded idea for teams to compete in the NBA Playoffs back in the 2020 NBA Bubble that now allows for 9th place and 10th place teams to compete for a shot at the NBA Playoffs themselves after previously having it work for only the 8th place and 9th place teams to compete for a game or two), the San Antonio Spurs are now POP'S FOSSIL, the Golden State Warriors are an ABANDONED BANDWAGON, the Dallas Mavericks are CUBAN'S CIGAR BURN, the Portland Trail Blazers got DAME'S BROKEN BACK, the New York Knicks still got the demand of SELL THE TEAM, DOLAN, while the Boston Celtics are pondering to themselves WAS KYRIE REALLY THE ISSUE?, the Utah Jazz now need to FREE DONOVAN MITCHELL, the Brooklyn Nets face the WRATH OF PROKHOROV, and the Philadelphia 76ers have WHACK-A-HAS-BEN.
  • Speaking of which, his brief coverage of the San Antonio Spurs after he gave his own take on the play-in tournament setting.
    UT: Well, who's up for a mocking? San Antonio? Oh, they're already dead, bring in someone else for once!
  • The coverage for the Charlotte Hornets isn't much better for them either.
    UT: Lovely, the Hornets can pretend they're relevant because they landed a Ball who will leave in a few years and grossly overpaid Gordan Hayward. Now they can boast that they got their asses kicked by a shitshow in the Pacers. God, get out of my sight, you irrelevant fucks!
  • His last few lines for the Atlanta Hawks are also noteworthy here, as well as the caption he put alongside them.
    UT: We should be honoring them for the real gift they gave to these playoffs: allowing us to witness Philly's meltdown.
    Caption: ALSO PUTTING KNICKS FANS IN THEIR PLACE
    UT: Thank you for your service.

• When he finally gets to the two teams left for the NBA Finals this season, after saying he genuinely enjoyed this season's playoffs (which can count as a Heartwarming moment in its own right as well), he has these remarks left before introducing the final two teams.
  UT: [...]And all it took were major injuries to nearly every star player in the league. I don't care that the ratings might suck, show me the Finals matchup!
  [cuts to the Finals matchup being the Phoenix Suns against the Milwaukee Bucks with the word HALLELUJAH below the middle of those two teams' logos and a victory jingle for good measure]
  Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Announcer: Success!
  • Not to mention the Take That! moments to ESPN immediately afterward.
    UT: Phoenix against Milwaukee... the talking heads at ESPN are punching the air as I mentioned those cities.
    Headlines: BUCKS RESPOND AFTER ESPN HOST CALLS MILWAUKEE A 'TERRIBLE CITY'
    STEPHEN A. SMITH BLASTS MILWAUKEE BUCKS FANS OVER PETITION TO BAN HIM FROM CITY FOR NBA FINALS: "ONLY A FEW THOUSAND SIGNATURES?"
    UT: Oh no, the cast of First Take has to go to a city that isn't overcrowded and doesn't smell like shit! [a picture of a stunned Stephen A. Smith and Michael Wilbon from after the buzzer-beating alley-oop from Jae Crowder to Deandre Ayton to end Game 2 of the Western Conference Finals pops up] I feel so bad for them! They might not even be able to talk about Giannis if he's not at full strength due to his injury.^note Thankfully, at least to start out the NBA Finals, Giannis was able to play, with plenty of highlights for good measure.
    Headline: GIANNIS ANTETOKOUNMPO EXITS GAME 4 WITH HYPEREXTENDED LEFT KNEE
    BUCKS COACH MIKE BUDENHOLZER SAID THE TEAM WOULD LEARN MORE ABOUT ANTETOKOUNMPO'S STATUS ON WEDNESDAY.
    Caption: THEY'LL STILL FIND A WAY TO SHOEHORN LEBRON INTO THEIR SHOWS
  • And for one last joke to close things off, after embracing the non-fuckery and enjoying the time to be alive with either the trio of CP3 [Chris Paul], Devin Booker, and Deandre Ayton or the trio of Giannis [Antetokounmpo], Khris Middleton, and Brook Lopez being guaranteed the NBA Finals championship now, he has a caption pop up near the end of it saying "And it will be more entertaining than the Stanley Cup Finals. Did I Just Say That Out Loud?"

The Haters Guide to the 2021 MLB Season: All-Star Edition

• Nicknames? You better believe it! The New York Yankees are conducting HANGINGS IN TIMES SQUARE, the still-exiled Toronto Blue Jays are LONGING FOR LEAFLAND, the Chicago White Sox are KEEPING IT IN THE FAMILY, Cleveland's impending team name change^note Confirmed, a week and a half after this video was posted, to be the Cleveland Guardians. has them contemplating THE FINAL INDIAN, the Detroit Tigers are the eternal IRRELEVANT FRANCHISE, the Minnesota Ts (who still don't have a "win" in their logo) are NOW WITH LESS WINNING!, the Texas Rangers are told 2011 IS THAT WAY,^note 2011 having seen their last World Series appearance. the Atlanta Braves have Tree rhetorically asking DO I NEED TO SAY IT?, are the Cincinnati Reds THE HUNTERS OR THE HUNTED?, the Milwaukee Brewers are A TRULY STRANGE BREW, the Pittsburgh Pirates are dubbed AN INSULT TO AAA BASEBALL, the St. Louis Cardinals are a DISGRACED CARDINAL, and the Arizona Diamondbacks are unflatteringly likened to the 2018 BALTIMORE ORIOLES.
• The mockery of the Diamondbacks only starts with the comparison to the 2018 Orioles. The audio for the segment consists entirely of an audio clip of Tottenham Hotspur FC fans singing "WE'RE FUCKING SHIT! WE'RE FUCKING SHIT!", while the footage of just some of the Diamondbacks' many on-field failures is accompanied by graphics showing their abysmal 8-48 run in May and June, their starting pitchers' horrendous ERA of 6.05, their disastrous batting average, headlines for injuries to RF Kole Calhoun, catcher Carson Kelly, and infielder/outfielder Ketel Marte, another headline on the firing of hitting coach Darnell Coles and assistant Eric Hinske, another headline about their streak of 23 road losses (an MLB record), their 13-loss streak in late May and their 17-loss streak in early June, a paragraph about their hopeless defensive efficiency of .681 (the league's worst at the time) and batting average of .233 (in the league's bottom half), and an overall summary of their terrible season accompanied by a translucent graphic of a tank.

The Haters Guide to the 2021 NFL Season: AFC Edition

• You know the drill. Tree sees the Buffalo Bills' success as of late and is warning their owner DON'T FUCK THIS UP, PEGULA, Tree is apprehensive of the New England Patriots' perceived decline because EVER SEE EPISODE NINE?, the Cincinnati Bengals are considered DEATH: THE FRANCHISE, the Cleveland Browns seem to be in a POST-ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP with the recent positive momentum, the Pittsburgh Steelers' drama seemingly returning had Tree asking "CAN I DANCE ON THIS LOGO?", Bill O'Brien turned out to be only part of the MODERN-DAY GALVESTON HURRICANE that is the Houston Texans, the injury-riddled Indianapolis Colts is a LITERAL FOOT LOCKER, the Jacksonville Jaguars are the AMERICAN FULHAM^note both owned by Shahid Khan; Fulham got relegated in the prior Premier League season, there's a LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS as the Raiders still try to adapt to their new home town, and the Los Angeles Chargers may as well be FOOTBALL'S CLIPPERS to the Rams.

The Haters Guide to the 2021 NFL Season: NFC Edition

• And this time only two teams are spared the nickname treatment^note San Francisco 49ers and Seattle Seahawks. The Dallas Cowboys remain AMERICA'S (MOST HATED) TEAM, the New York Giants' continued questionable decision-making had fans thinking BRB RUNNING SUICIDES, the Philadelphia Eagles are EDP445's CUPCAKE^note based upon EDP getting caught sending sexual messages to an underaged girl, the Washington Football Team still not getting a name doesn't change the fact that they're the WASHINGTON RESKINS, it must be GROUNDHOG DAY because the Chicago Bears are mediocre as before, the Detroit Lions remain the NFC NORTH PUNCHING BAG, Aaron Rodgers remaining with the Green Bay Packers has the whole state of WISCONSIN OVERDOSING ON SMUGNESS, the snakebitten Minnesota Vikings ask "WHAT IS GOOD LUCK?", the Atlanta Falcons' habitual choking had them remain ADRIFT AT SEA, the Carolina Panthers have been at rebuild mode for some time that they are THE TOOTHLESS CAT, the New Orleans Saints have reached cap hell and had their home devastated by Hurricane Ida so they are PICKING UP THE PIECES, Tree dreads the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because ANTONIO BROWN IS A SUPER BOWL CHAMPION, the Arizona Cardinals still live up to the team's reputation as THE RETIREMENT HOME, and Tree is still appalled by the redesigned Los Angeles Rams logo that he's on HUNGER STRIKE TO CHANGE THE LOGO.

The Haters Guide to the 2021 MLB Postseason

• Tampa Bay's reported move to Montreal has Tree christen them the MONTREAL BAY EX-RAYS, the Houston Astros are once again BANGING THE CANS OF WAR, the Boston Red Sox's questionable moves have Tree asking FUCK THE YANKEES. NOW WHAT?, the Milwaukee Brewers have become CY YOUNG'S ARMY, and PONCE DE LEON WAS RIGHT as the San Francisco Giants somehow find their way to the playoffs using their old roster.
• The news of Tampa Bay's reported move to Montreal not only causes the aforementioned nickname, but causes Tree to backtrack 180 degrees in his feelings for the team, with him hoping that the team fails as long as the idea to move to Montreal is present.

The Haters Guide to the 2021/22 NHL Season

• The Arizona Coyotes have NUKED KACHINAS due to blowing up their core and an uncertain future regarding their stay in the desert, Tree can only say SORRY RICK JEANNERET when it comes to the Buffalo Sabres fresh from a horrendous season full of turmoil, Tree tells the Calgary Flames that the C IS FOR CONTINUED MISERY, the Chicago Blackhawks are full of DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR in light of their sexual misconduct scandal, the Dallas Stars are in an AWKWARD TRANSITION due to their all-around aging core^note And, less humorously, due to the tribute to the late Columbus Blue Jackets goaltender Matiss Kivlenieks immediately prior to the screen., with the Edmonton Oilers still capturing their 80's nostalgia Tree thinks the team is full of PERMS AND A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS, the Montreal Canadiens are having PYRRHIC VICTORIES with last year's Cup Finals run with their talent being gutted in the ensuing offseason, the New York Rangers are PAGING LONG JOHN BALDRY in their plans to beat Tom Wilson in fights, Tree gives the Philadelphia Flyers a stern warning: DON'T VANISH LIKE BEN SIMMONS, the San Jose Sharks have to regressed to BOTTOM FEEDERS, the expansion Seattle Kraken are praised by Tree because they have A BADASS GOAL HORN, the Vegas Golden Knights are ALL-IN OFF THE FLOP starting with the trade of Marc-Andre Fleury, and the Washington Capitals after their 2018 Stanley Cup victory have regressed into THE SECOND ROUND SIRENS.

The Haters Guide to the 2021 World Series

• During the AL Wild Card match, the New York Yankees show HOW TO BURN MONEY: BRONX STYLE, the St. Louis Cardinals that was left for dead didn't win the NL Wild Card with NECROMANCY PERMANENTLY BANNED, Tree enquired the Rays to DELETE YOUR STERNBERGS over the Montreal move, the Chicago White Sox's loss ensured that their cross-town rival LAUGHS IN CUBS FAN, the feel-good story of the San Francisco Giants ended in sending OLD MEN TO THE RETIREMENT HOME, the Milwaukee Brewers were so fruitless in their loss NO WONDER WHY THEY DRINK HEAVILY, and the Boston Red Sox were beaten and now have become BLOOD-SOAKED STOCKINGS

The Haters Guide to the 2021 MLB Season: Debriefing

• To rub salt in the wound, all teams without postseason experience got their own nicknames. Baltimore has become ENDANGERED BIRDLAND as the Orioles were once again inept, Toronto CRIES IN CANADIAN as the Blue Jays' promising season fell apart late, what is now the Cleveland Guardians initiate THE FINAL BURIAL OF WAHOO, the Detriot Tigers are possibly an IRRELEVANT FRANCHISE?, the Kansas City Royals' season was best described as THE ROLLERCOASTER, Tree still refuses to call Minnesota's team by its name because it's still THE FORBIDDEN WORD so long as the postseason futility streak remains intact, Arte Moreno ran the Los Angeles Angels badly BUT HE DROPPED THE PRICE OF BEER, the Oakland Athletics were BEING VENTILATED as their late run took them out of postseason running, in spite of the Seattle Mariners' best efforts to get to postseason THE STREAK CONTINUES, there is no doubt by now that the Texas Rangers are an IRRELEVANT FRANCHISE, the Florida Marlins are back to mediocrity because YES, 2020 WAS A DREAM, a change of ownership for the New York Mets didn't stop THE UNKILLABLE LOLMETS, the Phillies' misery is an effective PHILADELPHIA SIMULATOR, 2019 being a fluke rendered a by-now bare Washington Nationals into the SHUTTERED WALGREENS, the Chicago Cubs' late implosion both in terms of performance and traded talent ensured that their W FLAG TRADED AT DEADLINE, the Cincinnati Reds being futile meant that it's BETTER DEAD THAN RED, the tanking Pittsburgh Pirates are the WILL CRAIG FAN CLUB, the Arizona Diamondback's utter collapse was such that Tree was asking DID TEAM EXIST PAST JUNE?, the Colorado Rockies' inept ownership decisions is likened to a MOM-AND-POP'S FAILING BUSINESS, and the SHAM DIEGO Padres once again failed to get past .500 even while making major moves.

2022 Haters Guides

The Haters Guide to the 2022 NFL Playoffs

• Tree's disbelief over the Steelers' season doesn't stop the RELENTLESS YINZER MODE, the Patriots crawling back in success means HOODIES ARE BACK IN FASHION, the Raiders have been guided to postseason by THE AUTUMN COINS^note before the season started, one fan on Reddit posted a prediction purely decided by a series of coin flips. It only missed two games but otherwise got the 10-7 season spot on, the Bengals are beginning TO PROPERLY UNBUNGLE, Bills fans are asking WHERE'S THE VIAGRA?, the Chiefs were even more successful in the past two years before taking ARROWHEADS TO THE KNEE, injuries and recent struggles didn't stop the Titans' ROYAL CORONATIONS of Derrick Henry's possible return for AFC home advantage, the Eagles made it through seemingly in spite of HOWIE WORMTONGUE, the seemingly snakebitten 49ers made 49 WAYS TO ESCAPE DEATH, the erratic Cardinals' game plan consisted of FRONT-LOADED AIR RAIDS, Tree is still holding firm that THIS LOGO IS STILL AWFUL for the Rams, "HOW 'BOUT THEM ENEMAS?" was asked as the Cowboys seem to pull wins out of their ass, Tree used the Buccaneers' return to postseason to insist "MOVE THE RAYS TO TAMPA", and some of the drama within the Packers not hindering their NFC clinch makes Tree ponder PRESSURE MAKES DIAMONDS?

The Haters Guide to Super Bowl 56

• All that's left of the Patriots after the Bills were done with them were SHREDDED HOODIES, the Cardinals were once again DRIVING OFF THE KLIFF through yet another Texas Tech-style post-midseason collapse, the Cowboys losing is AMERICA'S WET DREAM, the top-seeded Titans once again found themselves ONE SEED SHORT, Tree reminded Aaron Rodgers' Packers that SAN FRANCISCO STILL OWNS YOU, the Chiefs can at least take solace in their overtime loss that "WE WON THE TOSS!", and the 49ers coach's inability to win Super Bowls is shown yet again in a BUSTED SHANAPLAN.
• The running gag of the Cincinnati Bengals having their clip set to "Gwyn, Lord of Cinder" takes its final form: the footage of them making their way to their first Super Bowl in three decades is set to "Soul of Cinder".

The Haters Guide to the 2021-22 NHL Season: Eastern Conference All-Star Edition

• The Sabres once again imploding after a strong start has kept Buffalo BILLS COUNTRY, the Detroit Red Wings slow but steady on-ice improvement shows signs of THE WHEELS OF CHANGE moving, the Florida Panthers' impressive season is thanks to SUNRISE'S NUCLEAR ARSENAL, while the Montreal Canadiens' disastorous run has Tree reading A FRENCH-CANADIAN EULOGY, the New Jersey Devils' struggling again is just more JERSEY. FUCKING JERSEY, the New York Islanders' offensive struggles is a case of DIET OFFENSE: ZERO GOALS, the Ottawa Senators like their hometown is dealing with an NHL TRUCK CONVOY, and the Philadelphia Flyers' preseason promise turns out to be BROAD STREET BULLSHIT.

The Haters Guide to the 2021-22 NHL Season: Western Conference All-Star Edition

• The Arizona Coyotes' blatant tanking is simply a BLIGHT FOR WRIGHT, Calgary has found SECURITY IN FLAMES, the Chicago Blackhawks' shameful and disastrous handling of the Kyle Beach sexual assault scandal leads Tree to intro them simply with FUCK YOU, the aging squad in Dallas are trying to get back to the postseason in GRANDPA STAR'S OLD JALOPY, the Edmonton Oilers' recent struggles has Tree asking "WHY ARE YOU SO PISSY, LEON?", Juuse Saros' performances for the Nashville Predators evoking memories of Pekka Rinne has Tree wondering DO I DARE TEMPT FATE?, the Seattle Kraken's logo is explained THE "S" IS FOR SUCKS, the Vancouver Canucks' early season struggles led to THE PREDICTABLE OUTCOME of front office and coaching changes, the Vegas Golden Knights' increasing desperation in their acquisitions has Tree suggesting CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, and the Jets' struggles and front office turmoil has them WINNIPEGGED FOR LAYOFFS.

The Haters Guide to the 2021 NFL Season: Debriefing

• The Dolphins' Stephen Ross told ex-HC Brian Flores "I'LL PAY YOU $100K TO FUCK OFF", the Jets still have a bad habit to ELIMINATE EXPLOSIVE GASSES, the Ravens' midseason injury-induced collapse had their AMBITIONS LAMARRED, Mayfield changed the Browns' occupation to make their home town the BAKERY OF SADNESS, the Texans' continuing bad decisions is proof that GOD IS AN ASSHOLE, the Colts were cursed with NO LUCK FOR ENDING LUCK, the Jaguars remained a circus act known as BARNUM AND BAALKE'S GREATEST SHITSHOW, the Broncos cried out "MY KINGDOM FOR A CHECKDOWN", Tree still insisted to the Chargers that "YOU DON'T BELONG HERE" in Los Angeles, yet another bad season ensured that the Giants were JUDGE'S EXECUTIONER, what is now the widely-mocked Washington Commanders was heralded with "HAIL TO THE RESKINS", years of bad decisions have left the Bears playing on THE FIELDS OF RUIN, Stafford winning the Super Bowl at last under the Rams meant the Lions got FRIENDZONED BY LOMBARDI, what's left for the Viking's funeral of bad luck was to PREPARE THE PYRE, the Falcons tendency to win in clutch moments are an effort to BURY THE PAST, the Panthers are going through yet another rebuild because KITTY GETS POACHED, the heartbreak of barely missing postseason through injuries and the inevitable Cap Hell ensured that the Saints perform LAST RITES, and the ailing Seahawks were left SHIFTLESS IN SEATTLE.

The Haters Guide to the 2022 MLB Season

• The Baltimore Orioles' have the unenviable stat of BEST DEFENDER: LEFT FIELD WALL, Tree demands once again that the Rays MOVE TO TAMPA after their half-baked Montreal plan was rejected, the Blue Jays were finally DEFECTING FROM AMERICA after spending a lot of time away from Canada, Tree is mocking the Cleveland Guardians for having their logo look like the WINDOWS 95 FLYING TOASTER, the Tigers are working their way to being a SLOWLY-RELEVANT FRANCHISE after spending some much-needed money at last, Tree still refuses to refer Minnesota's team by their actual name while telling them IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED..., the Angels were actually a DEVIL IN ANGEL'S ATTIRE, legal troubles for a proposed new stadium and a recent fire sale had resulted in the A's' HOWARD TERMINAL ILLNESS, the Rangers have let off some GOVERNMENT GUNSMOKE making some big-money moves, Tree is wondering "HOW DO THEY FUCK THIS UP?" about the Mets, THE COST ADDED ANOTHER CRACK to the Phillies' Liberty Bell, the Nationals were asking "ANYONE GOT A STRAIGHTENER?", the flag of the Cubs transitioned FROM A "W" TO A RED CIRCLE, the Reds have TRADED DOWN THE OHIO RIVER, the Brewers HEADED TO A CAVE TO FIND BATS, Tree acknowledges that his hometown Pirates are an IRRELEVANT FRANCHISE, there will be NO BASEBALL FOR OLD MEN after the Cardinals' run with their aging veterans, the Diamondbacks were SNAKEBITTEN after that abysmal last season, the Rockies have the BEST BAR IN DENVER so that their fans could drink away the misery, and the Giants believe that people are SLEEPING ON SAN FRANCISCO.

The Haters Guide to the 2022 NHL Playoffs

• As the favorites to win the Stanley Cup entering the postseason, Tree warns the Colorado Avalanche DON'T FUCK THIS UP, the Nashville Predators are NOT TOO GOOD RIGHT NOW with Pekka Rinne no more, the Los Angeles Kings can take solace in the fact that they are NOT THE LAKERS, VINNIE PAUL WEEPS for the Dallas Stars, the Florida Panthers have a chance to see A LITERAL SUNRISE?, the Washington Capitals are having a 2016 REUNION TOUR, and the Pittsburgh Penguins are in PALLIATIVE CARE.

The Haters Guide to the 2022 NBA Finals

• The Charlotte Hornets are stuck in PERPETUAL FUTILITY, the Los Angeles Clippers are a mess of STERLING SHITTINESS, the Minnesota Timberwolves' shortcoming in the first round leaves them labeled the MINNESOTA TIMBERMIDS, the Utah Jazz have an EXPIRED TRIAL MEMBERSHIP with another early exit, he asks the Brooklyn Nets DID YOU REALLY ESCAPE?, the Chicago Bulls were dealt a PAMPLONA-STYLE GORING, as the Toronto Raptors are disposed of he says I SEE A COMET..., he suggests the Phoenix Suns to SELL THE TEAM, SARVER, he says DON'T CRY FOR THEM, HINKIE in the wake of the Philadelphia 76ers being disposed of, and the Miami Heat had a CORE MELTDOWN with a return to the Finals looming.

The Haters Guide to the 2021-22 NHL Season: Debriefing

• The Arizona Coyotes will be the PROPERTY OF THE SUN DEVILS next season as they're forced to vacate Gila River Arena, he once again says FUCK YOU to the Chicago Blackhawks for the same reasons as last time, the Montreal Canadiens' plummet from making the Finals the previous season to dead last in the league was PURE IMMOLATION, the Ottawa Senators are told YOU'RE FREE with owner Eugene Melnyk's passing, the Philadelphia Flyers have been labeled as DUNNING-KRUGER: THE FRANCHISE after another disastrous season they were expected to succeed in, DEATH AWAITS the San Jose Sharks after another crappy season with their long-term-contract-laden squad, and the Vegas Golden Knights DREW 22 AT BLACKJACK after they missed the postseason for the first time.

The Haters Guide to the 2022 Stanley Cup Final

• Nicknames for the eliminated teams! The Nashville Predators being swept in the first round made their playoff run a WASTE OF EIGHT DAYS, the Boston Bruins were unable to serve up anything other than WEEK-OLD CHOWDER, while the Pittsburgh Penguins were only able to scrounge up some SPICY TRICHINOSIS AND BROCCOLI, the Washington Capitals meme up a STEAMED CAPS REDUX, the Toronto Maple Leafs find out that NO LEAFS ALLOWED IN JUNE, the St. Louis Blues are now PROPERTY OF NAZEM KADRI after the Colorado forward got them off their game with his antics, Tree warns followers of the Calgary Flames NEVER HAVE HOPE FOR THEM, the Carolina Hurricanes make SAD BRASS BONANZA NOISES, the Florida Panthers were more like NEUTERED KITTIES, and the Edmonton Oilers got burned by THE MIKE SMITH EXPERIENCE as Smith imploded in the Western Conference Final.
• "LIGHTNING IN THREE" SADLY NOW HAS A NEW MEANING". Everything comes back to the Tampa Bay Lightning. Tree continues to walk back his mockery of their 2019 washout under a screenshot of his contemporary mocking tweet saying they should've nuked the team after being swept by the Blue Jackets. The meme economy that should've been gave way to "the Tampa Bay Lightning lording over us all" even without Brayden Point during the Playoffs. Back in the Finals despite losing one of their best performing lines the previous offseason. And how a Lightning three-peat would mean four straight for one Patrick Maroon.

The Haters Guide to the 2022 MLB Season: AL All-Star Edition

• The Junior Circuit takes its nickname lumps first, with the Baltimore Orioles' lineup featuring THE LEFT FIELD OF COMPLAINTS, the New York Yankees leading the AL East has Tree pleading GOD HELP US ALL, the Toronto Blue Jays are asked FEELING BLUE?, Tony LaRussa's collapsing Chicago White Sox are a tale of THE OLD MAN AND THE BLOWN LEADS, the Cleveland Guardians' logo makes them look like THE FLYING TOASTERS, the Detroit Tigers are STILL SOMEHOW IRRELEVANT, the Kansas City Royals are going through ROYAL PAINS, the Minnesota T___s improve with the strategy of LUIGI WINS BY DOING NOTHING, the Los Angeles Angels' wasting of Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani leave Tree wondering WHY?, the Oakland A's stadium limbo leaves them as THE WHITE ELEPHANT, the Seattle Mariners being in playoff contention has them as AVERTED STEREOTYPES, and the Texas Rangers' are now playing LIVE FROM THE PROPANE TANK.

The Haters Guide to the 2022 MLB Season: NL All-Star Edition

• The Miami Marlins' play leave them more comparable to CANNED TUNA, the New York Mets' run is DADDY STEVE'S REVENGE, the Philadelphia Phillies conclude their up and down season so far with THE DEFENSE RESTS, the Washington Nationals excuse their poor season as PROBABLY PUTIN'S FAULT, the Chicago Cubs have finally become UNLOVABLE LOSERS, the Cinnicinati Reds' ownership FUCKED AROUND AND FOUND OUT, the Pittsburgh Pirates in lieu of success are instead hosting YINZERPALOOZA, the Colorado Rockies WILL PAY YOU TO SHOW UP, and the Los Angeles Dodgers are playing through DAVE ROBERTS' OVERMANAGING SIMULATOR.

The Haters Guide to the 2022 NFL Season: AFC Edition

• In the wake of Stephen' Ross shenanigans, the Miami Dolphins think their TITLE WAS TAMPERED WITH, the New York Jets are starting the season with quite a few players OUT WITH KNEE INJURIES, the Baltimore Ravens have entered THE HEALING CHAMBER after their obscene slew of injuries last season, the Pittsburgh Steelers are likely on course for ANOTHER FLUKE 9-WIN SEASON, the Houston Texans watch as their front office LAUGHS IN BUTTCHIN, the Jacksonville Jaguars hope to make AN URBAN RECOVERY after once again being the worst team in the league, the Denver Broncos are introduced with a bronco's neigh as he declares BRONCOS COUNTRY: LET'S WRITHE!, the Los Angeles Chargers have LITTLE BROTHER SYNDROME having to share a stadium with a team that just won the Super Bowl, and he suggests the Las Vegas Raiders NO, MOVE AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!.

The Haters Guide to the 2022 NFL Season: NFC Edition

• The Philadelphia Eagles suffer under HOWIE ROSEMAN'S REVENGE, the Washington Commanders' rebrand marks THE GREAT LEAP FORWARD, Tree asks the Chicago Bears HOW BAD WAS NAGY? and finds ALL PENCILS AND ATV'S BANNED by the Detroit Lions, the Green Bay Packers become MR. RODGERS NEIGHBORHOOD, Minnesota's players engage in VIKING RAIDS ON ZIMMERLAND, the Carolina Panthers play by QUEENSBURY RHULES, the loss of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' offensive line has Tree stating WANTED: HEALTHY LINEMEN, the Los Angeles Rams say FUCK THEM PICKS as they trade them away, and Russell Wilson's move to the Broncos has the Seattle Seahawks in a RESTAURANT LIQUIDATION.

The Haters Guide to the 2022 MLB Postseason

• Aaron Judge of the New York Yankees had a record-breaking 62nd home run of the season which resulted in PISSED COLLEGE FOOTBALL FANS having their programming interrupted; the Cleveland Guardians can state I SURVIVED THE AL CENTRAL; the Seattle Mariners were starting to shed their choking reputation, leaving Tree to exasperatingly wonder "NO DICKPUNCH?!"; the Tampa Bay Rays were merely linked to FLIMSLY BRIDGES TO TAMPA; Tree's assessment of the St. Louis Cardinals' seemingly improbable season was 1/10, UNREALISTIC PLOT; the New York Mets were heralded by TIMMY'S TRUMPET OF DOOM after years of Metting; the San Diego Padres seem to be AJ PRELLER'S MAD EXPERIMENT as they get out of the years-long hump; and the Philadelphia Phillies, in spite of a flawed finishing stretch, had their BELL RUNG FOR DINGERS ONLY.

The Hater's Guide to the 2022/23 NHL Season

• The Arizona Coyotes SUCK HARD FOR BERDARD as they throw away another season to get a top draft pick, Tree once again says FUCK YOU to the Chicago Blackhawks after the scandals of the 2021-22 season, the Colorado Avalanche are now in TITLE DEFENSE MODE, Johnny Gaudreau's move to the Columbus Blue Jackets was THE ULTIMATE COUP, the Florida Panthers are AN UNSETTLING SUNRISE after acquiring Matthew Tkachuk, the Montreal Canadiens are THE DIMMING CANDLE as their rebuild continues, Tree wonders I JINXED THEM, DIDN'T I? about the New York Islanders as they experience a disappointing offseason, their crosstown rivals in the Rangers rely on THE WALLS OF SHESTY, Tree tells the Philadelphia Flyers to FIRE CHUCK FLETCHER, the Pittsburgh Penguins are DRIVING TO THE LEDGE with an aging core, GOD HATES SHARKS as the San Jose franchise appears to be looking on the outside of the playoffs, the Vegas Golden Knights are going BACK TO THE CRAPS TABLE after missing the playoffs for the first time in franchise history, and the Winnipeg Jets wonder if THE NORTH REMEMBERS?.

2023 Haters Guides

The Haters Guide to the 2023 MLB Postseason

• Tree's World Series prediction becomes funny when both teams get swept out of the Wild Card round. It becomes even more hilarious when their opponents make it to the World Series instead.
  UT: There are a lot of different ways you can take this. Do you go conservative and shoot for the most talent, or do you try to guess based on who has the healthiest rotation? Honestly, if I try to use logic it'll backfire on me. Just the name of the game. Which is why I'm going with Tampa Bay against Milwaukee.
  Caption: RIP THEIR POSTSEASON AMBITIONS
  UT:I feel they have the best three-man rotations in the dance right now, plus the best bullpens to boot. The postseason is about pitching, and those two units have some damn good arms, Tampa's injuries notwithstanding. Plus they can hit a good bit too. Play ball, boys. I'm sorry for jinxing these teams.

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