For the NFL episodes: 2017-19 and 2020-22
In General
- The opening used up to the start of the 2019 NFL season (and still used for non-NFL episodes), which shows off several Epic Fail moments in sports, namely the Pacers-Pistons brawl, Terrell Owens' tear-streaked "That's my quarterback!" interview, the ball bouncing off Jose Canseco's head for a home run, Vesa Toskala conceding a bouncing shot from 197 feet away, Patrik Štefan failing to even shoot the puck at a completely empty net, and the infamous Butt-Fumble.
NHL Trade Deadline
- Tree ends up needing 60 seconds and some Inception references to explain what should have been a simple trade:Super: THE DERICK BRASSARD TRADE IN 60 SECONDS
UT: The first act of this trade is simple enough - the Penguins are looking to bolster their depth down the middle and the Senators are planning a major fire sale. The Pens like Derick Brassard. A trade is made, sending a first round pick, prospect Filip Gustavsson and Ian Cole the other way. [a Tweet detailing these facts appears on the screen] Should be sealed and delivered, right? If it only were that simple. Pittsburgh doesn't have the cap space to take him and Eugene Melnyk is a total cheapass that doesn't want to retain salary. They get everyone's favorite expansion team involved. [cue another Tweet detailing this turn] Turns out that the NHL doesn't like it one bit and rejects the deal. [the Tweet detailing this notes that the teams in question have the option of restructuring the trade to the league's liking] Back to the drawing board. What if you were to put a trade, inside of a trade? Prepare yourselves for Tradeception!
Super: TRADECEPTION!
SFX: Inception bwong
UT: The Knights need assets to make up for the forty percent salary retention. George McPhee has one request:
Headline: VEGAS GOLDEN KNIGHTS ACQUIRE RYAN REAVES AND A 2018 FOURTH ROUND DRAFT PICK
UT: Ryan Reaves, the great enforcer of his time.
Headline: GEORGE MCPHEE HELPED PITTSBURGH LAND DERICK BRASSARD SO HE DIDN'T END UP ON A WESTERN CONFERENCE TEAM
Excerpt: WHEN THE DUST SETTLED, SIX PLAYERS AND FOUR DRAFT PICKS WERE ON THE MOVE
UT: Throw a few more draft picks around, a couple of minor leaguers, and thus you have -
[As footage of the "Mind Blown" portion of the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! "Universe" sketch plays in the background]
UT: TRADECEPTION!
Super: TRADECEPTION!
SFX: Inception bwong
[cue another, longer excerpt from an article detailing the exact pieces moved by Tradeception, along with a Tweet calculating that four transactions were required to get Brassard to Pittsburgh and 40% of his salary to Vegas]
UT: Thank you Melnyk. Thank you for your incredible avariciousness. If it wasn't for that, this would've just been a random trade. Just like how you traded Phaneuf so you could save four million dollars. [cue a shower of CGI money and the sound of a slot machine hitting jackpot] My liquor cabinet is also open to business for you, Ottawa. - After recapping the trade of Patrick Maroon to the Devils, Tree complains about how boring the deadline has been. But then...[cue an explosion over footage of a New York Rangers game, with the Lightning logo flying out of the flames]
UT: My Tampa Bay Boner has increased exponentially. Ryan McDonagh and J.T. motherfucking Miller are headed to the Lightning! That's what you can call an all-in push. It cost you a good bit of prospects, picks and a decent winger in Namestnikov, but Yzerman is a goddamn madman. They didn't get rid of Sergachev, Point or Cal Foote in this deal. If I had a wife, I would let Stevie father my children. This could have been yours, Detroit - if only Ken Holland had stepped aside when asked. - Frustrated with the awkward moves being made in the nick of time, Tree caps off his report with the following:UT: Well, this deadline was one big boom with a whole bunch of lame...no, I didn't just do this for the SeatGeek shoutout, you shut your whore mouth!
MLB Postseason Push Edition
- The NL East has been a scattershot division, with three teams - the Atlanta Braves, Philadelphia Phillies and Washington Nationals, all in respective playoff contention. But all three of them are in disarray...UT: It's time for everyone's favorite game: who wants to win the NL East?! In front of us there are three prospective teams trying their hardest to lose games and choke away a guaranteed ass-whooping in the NLDS! Our first contestant is the Tomahawk Chop.
[footage of a building collapsing]
UT: Turns out that slapping some band-aids on the sketchy bullpen was a bad idea. [Headline: Braves transfer Arodys Vizcaino to 60-day DL] And there's that whole injury to your closer thing! As a result the Braves have [Headline: Red Sox Series Proves Whether or Not the Braves are Postseason Ready] taken on the Atlanta stereotype of blowing leads and [Headline: Now would be good time for Braves to mitigate Western struggles] pissing away golden opportunities to secure the division. The newly acquired Adam Duvall [Headline: Adam Duvall settling in with Braves, slump notwithstanding] has been hot garbage and the rest of the team seems to have followed suit! The only thing that is carrying this team is the legendary Ronald Acuna [Headline: Ronald Acuna sets Atlanta's mark for leadoff home runs in a season] and his relentless barrage of leadoff homers. This is getting too interesting for baseball. Bean him! [Acuna is beaned with a wild pitch. Headline: Jose Urena Suspended 6 Games for Intentionally Beaning Ronald Acuna Jr.] A garbage pitcher for a garbage organization... So fitting. [Headline: Atlanta Braves Surging Towards First National League East Title Since 2013] Wait. You're telling me they're winning again? Yes, the Atlanta stereotype can be bucked! [footage shifts to Phillies clips] Let's see how Philadelphia's been doing.
[footage of a building being demolished]
UT: Oh boy, another thing for Philadelphia to rightfully bitch about! [Headline: Another Phillies loss gives them worst record in NL since Aug. 18] It appears that your garbage bullpen is, surprise, garbage. How's that adding rentals to the hitting core working out for that terrible batch of arms you have? Losing ten series throughout August and early September. The bats? [Headline: Phillies' reliance on pitching beginning to haunt them] Freezing cold as to reacing the point of zero degrees Kelvin! Need I say more? [Headline: Phillies lose in one of the most embarrassing ways possible] Either forcing Philadelphians to cling onto something in fear or breaking the dam! Seranthony Dominguez looks completely overdone, most of the starters have been struggling, and Aaron Nola is about to punch someone in the face with how many excellent outings of his have been wasted. The pain isn't ending soon, either. You're still in the thick of it, technically! [footage shifts to Nationals clips] And then there are the Nationals. Oh, Nationals, the gods are literally offering you a division title for the taking! They're literally saying, "Here, take it. Please, Washington, have the NL East! All you have to do is touch it!" What have the Nationals done with this opportunity?
[footage of another building being demolished]
UT: Emulate the performances in the NLDS! The hitting core has returned to form once again, destroying balls without prejudice, but an old foe undermines them again: the pitching. [Headline: Once a strength, Nationals' starting pitching has imploded] Yes, turns out selling pieces and dealing with key long-term injuries [Headlines: Nationals lose Doolittle to DL with foot injury / Nationals lose potential trade chip Kelvin Herrera to season ending foot injury] is a recipe for disaster. The bullpen is ridiculously awful, excluding a Greg Holland suddenly pitching like a god again! The starters?! [Headline: What Happened to the Nationals? How Did One Of Baseball's Best Teams Fall So Far?] Gio Gonzalez has been one of the worst in baseball, and Stephen Strasburg looks shot. The hopes and prayers of management have gone unanswered [Headline: Nationals Trades a Surprise In Midst of Playoff Chase] Time to sell off the depth! [Headlines: Cubs acquire Daniel Murphy in trade waiver deal with Nationals / Nationals Trade Matt Adams to Cardinals / Brewers Bring About Gio Gonzalez, Curtis Granderson on busy day / Could the Nats have made a September run? We'll never know, and for good reason] Everything not locked down sold off at bargain values. Enjoy wasting another great year of Max Scherzer, you failures!
THIS IS ALSO HOW A LEGACY OF FAILURE IS BORN. JUST SAYING.note
2019 NBA Free Agency Edition
- The blockbuster signings and trades of the 2019 offseason (Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving to the Brooklyn Nets; Kawhi Leonard and Paul George to the Los Angeles Clippers; and Russell Westbrook to the Houston Rockets) are depicted using footage of nuclear explosions.UT: [After the Westbrook trade] The NBA is singlehandedly going to cause climate change.
- Another NBA video, another mocking of the Knicks:UT: It doesn't matter, because in Knicks country, they're still clinging onto whatever false hope they can muster. Their efforts at tanking failed to bring them Zion, but the hopes of KD and Kyrie filled their hearts with optimism. Like, who's gonna one-up them for these stars, the fucking Nets?
Headline: [over footage of a nuclear explosion] NETS BLOW UP THE NBA WITH DURANT, IRVING HEIST: 'PARADIGM SHIFT'
UT: Oh my god.
[test pattern]
[the "Glowball" bonus stage theme from Sonic the Hedgehog 3 plays over a clip of the laughing anchor from The Simpsons]
UT: And now for everyone's favorite barrel full of laughs: Everybody laugh at the Knicks!
[Caption under the above clip: EVERYBODY LAUGH AT THE KNICKS!]
UT: [While laughing heartily] You didn't get KD or Kyrie!! How many L's can a team take in a decade!? Holy fuck! Oh, Durant and Irving are coming to New York all right, [Thwomp grunt from Super Mario 64] they're going to the Nets!! [laughs again] But hold up, hold up, it gets even better. Remember what I said in the NBA Finals video?
[Black and white clip from "The Haters Guide to the 2019 NBA Finals", as a caption reads MAY 2019]
UT: [archived audio] You'll get Anthony Davis after a massive overpay and max contracts to, let's say, Khris Middleton and Tobias Harris.
UT: It's even worse than that, they didn't even get them! What's behind the curtain, everyone?
[fart noise]
UT: [through ever increasing laughter] Julius Randle! Bobby Portis! Taj Gibson! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, that's not the kicker. They're all power forwards! [laughs hysterically] How's that Knicks tradition, boys? You're second fiddle in your own fucking city. Good job.
[Cut to a clip of James Dolan.]
UT: Imagine being such an insecure little bitch that you get triggered over people telling you the truth. I'm going to echo what everyone else has said for years: sell the fucking team. The Knicks will be just like your house band for as long as you own them: an irrelevant laughingstock. The Nets haven't had their first round pick in five fucking years, yet their future is so much brighter. At least they don't piss off their players at every turn. Yeah, keep saying you're gonna get Giannis in two years, he ain't coming here, either. - As for the Los Angeles Lakers, Tree doesn't see much optimism for their future either:UT: The LA Lakers, good job, you created space to get a third max contract only to not secure the services of the guy you were pining for for years.
Headline: WINDHORST: LAKERS FEEL 'THEY GOT PLAYED' IN KAWHI LEONARD FREE-AGENCY PURSUIT
Caption: YOU HATE TO SEE IT
UT: Don't worry though, at least the other guys you sign will be OK. [Scare Chord] Danny Green? [Scare Chord] Jared Dudley? [Scare Chord] Avery Bradley and Quinn Cook? [Scare Chord] You brought back Rondo, KCP and JaVale McGee? [A longer snippet of horror movie music] Boogie Cousins? That dude isn't trying to hide that he's ring-chasing! [Scare Chord] You sacrificed most of your future core and draft picks for potentially one year of the Unibrow and the return of The Expendables. Well done.note - You wouldn't expect a certain, Philadelphian comedy target of Tree's to appear in an NBA video, but with the Oklahoma City Thunder trading away Russell Westbrook and Paul George, Tree can only find one way to describe Seattle's collective reactionnote :EDP445: [over a aerial shot of Seattle] I beat the fuck out of my dick so goddamn hard that I can't feel my left leg. My left leg has went totally numb.
UT: I expect nothing less.
MLB April & May Edition (2019)
- Tree's pessimism over the Nationals, while justified given their slow start to the 2019 season, becomes even funnier after the Nats won their first World Series in franchise history.UT: I didn't mention one team on here for good reason: the Nationals. They are in serious fucking trouble. A team that's so low under .500 despite the high end talents is disturbing. Their stop gaps at depth have mostly failed. There have been injury issues, but their real concern is in that god-awful excuse of a bullpen.
Headline: BULLPEN WOES MAR FIRST TWO MONTHS OF NATIONALS SEASON
UT: Do you really want to know how bad it is? Try a combined ERA of over 7. They're a literal sieve; water is straight leaking out of the dam. Hate to say it, but it may be time for a significant blowup. You have a few months to steer the ship away from this fate, boys.
Headline: MLB RUMORS: FORMER A'S RELIEVER FERNANDO RODNEY SIGNING WITH NATIONALS
Caption: BEHOLD THE "FIX"
UT: Good luck.
2020 MLB Free Agency Edition
- The Houston Astros' cheating scandal, and its immediate effects, are introduced using a Spongebob Squarepants clip from the "Wet Painters" episode. It gets better from there:Caption: 2017
[Spongebob and Patrick appear with the Astros' logos on their heads]
Astros!Patrick: Wait Spongebob! We're not cavemen! We have technology.
[Patrick points to the cash register, which has a trash can overlaid onto it. The following segment is silent, save for the sound of something banging on a metal trash can.]
Caption: GREAT SCANDAL HAS ERUPTED THROUGHOUT THE BASEBALL LANDSCAPE. THE HOUSTON ASTROS HAVE BEEN REVEALED TO BE CHEATERS WHO DESTROY THE INTEGRITY OF THE GAME. OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS, IT HAS BEEN REVEALED BY MEANS OF THE PRESS AND INTERNET THAT THE ASTROS HAD AN ORNATE AND INTRICATE PLOT TO STEAL SIGNS BY MEANS OF TECHNOLOGY. SIGNALS WOULD BE RELAYED TO THE BATTERS MY MEANS OF TRASH CAN OR BUZZER, THUS GIVING THEM AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE. NOT ONLY IN THE REGULAR SEASON, BUT IT HAS BEEN CONFIRMED TO BE IN USE DURING THE 2017 POSTSEASON. BANGING OF TRASH CANS ARE BLATANTLY HEARD DURING GAME BROADCASTS. THE MLB GIVES THEM A SOFT TAP WITH THE DISCIPLINE HAMMER TO SHOW STRENGTH. JEFF LUHNOW AND A.J. HINCH SUSPENDED FOR A YEAR. THE ASTROS ARE FINED $5 MILLION. THEY ALSO LOSE THEIR 1ST AND 2ND ROUND DRAFT PICKS IN 2020 AND 2021. UNSATISFIED, LUHNOW AND HINCH ARE IMMEDIATELY FIRED BY A PISSED OFF OWNER IN JIM CRANE. HE VOWS TRANSPARENCY IN THE MLB'S INVESTIGATION AND TO TURN A NEW LEAF. IT SHOWS IN THEIR NEXT MANAGER:
UT: [as the banging ends] Dusty Baker? You completely panicked in the opposite direction? I was right, last year's World Series was karma. There is no other answer.
[Patrick slams the "trashcan" on the smeared out dollar bill, with the caption LOLASTROS.]
2020 NHL Trade Deadline Edition
- Two gags related to the performance of emergency back up goaltender David Ayres:
- During the Hurricanes' segment, Tree works in a reference to the team's goaltending woes:Hurricanes Man: Our goaltending is in critical condition!
Headline: [accompanied by a Sickening "Crunch!" and an agonized scream] Hurricanes' Petr Mrazek, James Reimer, Brett Pesce out indefinitely
Hurricanes Man: Someone get that Zamboni driver back!! Please help us stop a goddamn puck from getting in the net! Please God save the Hurricanes!!!
["Come to our games? flashes on the screen] - And for their opponents, Tree relishes at the opportunity to turn the Maple Leafs' segment into a "The Reason You Suck" Speech:UT: Toronto. Oh god. What the hell is going on? Weren't you supposed to be a lot better than this before the season? If that's the case, then why the hell are you losing games to a 42-year old Zamboni driver?
Headline: Maple Leafs beaten by their own practice goalie in humiliating loss
Caption: This isn't going away. Sorry, Toronto.
UT: Who works for the Maple Leafs.note On your own ice. You've been dunked on all season and for good reason.
- During the Hurricanes' segment, Tree works in a reference to the team's goaltending woes:
Pittsburgh Pirates vs Cincinnati Reds (September 23, 2023) - The Greatest Game
- Tree was relieved that even during the NFL season he still has the time to do a video on the intense stretch of the MLB Wild Card race, with many teams on both leagues in the thick of it, only to come across the comedy of errors that was the September 23, 2023 matchup between the Pirates and the Reds.Tree: Thank the Lord I can finally make a baseball vid again.
Caption: Baseball? In this economy?
Tree: What a fantastic sight, no football at all, endless chaos, collapses galore!
Caption: [a stock "Oh no!" sound plays as a Chicago Cubs outfielder flubs an attempt to catch a flyball with two Braves players on bases] Who wants the 6th Wild Card in the NL?
Tree: No bullshit whatsoever!
[cue the Greatest Game title card with a baseball in a football's place]
