Funny / Urinating Tree – This Week in Sportsball (NFL 2)

2020 NFL Season

NFL Week One (2020)

• New season, new intro for Sportsball - Tree eschews the NFL on Fox theme for the Monday Night Football theme with the highlights being a multitude of fumbles, dropped passes, Andy Reid's gigantic face shield, Cincinnati's kicker pulling his hamstring missing a game-winner, and the cherry on top is Kevin Harlan's gleeful soundbite of "I'M CALLING BOTH GAMES!" from Week 17 of last season as Miami beat New England to give Kansas City home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.
• BROWNS FOOTBALL!
• To contribute to the segment on the Steelers-Giants game, Tree calls on "a Yinzer" to give commentary backed by a rendition of the "Pennsylvania Polka".
• The original upload of Sportsball Week 1 got temporarily pulled for "inappropriate content"^note As it turned out, it was a false positive by the site's bots - Tree responded by reuploading the video with random censor bleeps and massive amounts of biting-the-hand humor!
• The injury roll at the end of the week changes as well - BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GODS! INJURIES FOR THE INJURY GODS!
• Tree introducing the Rams (and Chargers) new stadium:
  UT: BEHOLD! The competitor to Jerry Boy’s ego shrine! SoFi Stadium! Funded by the blood money of Stan Kroenke!

NFL Week Two (2020)

• With injuries piling up already, Tree used 49ers vs. Jets to debut the Injury Bowl, where the theme involved "Roundball Rock" punctuated with bones crunching and stock screams. The footage used included a golf cart running over a group of reporters during a Texas high school championship game, the video of the ambulance running into a group of players in Madden 92, and a rib breaking cutscene from Blitz: The League II. It ended with the two team logos collapsing with an ambulance in the background as "Unit lost!" plays.
• Steelers vs. Broncos:
  • As a concession to the Steelers' victory over the Broncos, Tree magnanimously allows noted Broncos fan Brandon Perna from That's Good Sports to recap the game instead. A teeth-gritted Perna does the recap from his own channel's set, with the TGS logo on the TV replaced with a graphic stating "I'm Totally Not Bitter."
  • Much like the previous week, Tree then sought the input from the thickly-accented Yinzer, who was giving his take on the game before stating that he shot his neighbor's police horse as punishment for the game's referees.
    UT: D-did you just commit a felony?
• For Falcons vs. Cowboys, when the former had 19-point lead at the first half and UT just trashed new Cowboys coach Mike McCarthy's capabilities:
  UT: Even then, it's not like Atlanta doesn't have a reputation for choking and Mike McCarthy gets carried by elite talent whenever he fucks up royally as a coach... [ominous stinger] but they do. Don't tell me this is going to happen, is it? Dan Quinn, the defensive genius is going back into his comfortable staple of Soft Zone as Dallas is predictably picking it apart. Atlanta, the team that still thinks twenty-eight to three was a bad dream, the team that runs everything like a fucking mom-and-pop instead of a sports franchise.
  Caption: [as Dak Prescott makes a touchdown pass] LEADING BY FIFTEEN WITH FIVE MINUTES LEFT IN THE GAME
  UT: Guess what? The team that fumbled four times in one quarter is coming back on them! You wonder why they keep getting by the big boys in business and in life? It's because of bullshit like this! 'Now Tree,' you say, 'you're being too harsh. Atlanta won't blow this onside kick.' [with less than two minutes remaining and only behind 39-37, Dallas attempts an onside kick. No Atlanta player makes a dive for it, making it a successful attempt by Dallas, musical stinger as Robotnik's laughter is heard] Oh, my gentle Jesus, just FALL ON THE FUCKING BALL, YOU USELESS LITTLE SHITS! Oh, God. [the win probability chart appears, with Atlanta having a 99.9% chance of winning with three minutes remaining] The Falcons blew another big lead. The Falcons choked again! [UT laughs as the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme plays, a literal dumpster fire and Sarcastic Clapping appears, and Mr. Kincade from the South Park episode "Guitar Queer-o" says "You blew it! You had it all and you blew it!", the Cowboys score the game-winning field goal as the game ends] Good work, Atlanta, for this failure leads you to being our Lolcow of the Week! This team is a fucking joke!
  Caption: [below a headline stating Quinn says that the Falcons know the onside kick rules] I CALL BULLSHIT FOR $500, ALEX
  UT: How the fuck is Dan Quinn still here? Dude's been choking more than Mia Khalifa and he somehow still has a job! You know what?
  Caption: [accompanying the headline where Falcons owner Arthur Blank contradicted Dan Quinn] EVEN THE TEAM OWNER IS CALLING BULLSHIT, DAN
  UT: Delete the franchise! Seriously, delete your fucking franchise! You've made the same fuckups year after year and you've learned ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I don't know how I'd even look at my family if I kept failing like this! You're all colossal wastes of life! [Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"] All of you! Commit seppuku! [Dr. Phil says "You had an opportunity, and you blew it."]
• When the Chargers screw up their starting quarterback’s health (and possibly his career), Tree brings out an old favorite catchphrase of his:
  UT: So Tyrod didn't get a reaction, but the team doctor botched a routine injection?
  Headline: REPORT: CHARGERS TEAM DOCTOR ACCIDENTALLY PUNCTURED TYROD TAYLOR'S LUNG ON SUNDAY
  UT: Ha, fuck you, Spanos.
• The fact that there were so many injuries over the week’s slate of NFL games that Tree’s usual background music (Taps) was too short. And counted among the injuries were a power outage in Miami that interrupted the CBS broadcast of the Bills-Dolphins game, and the 49ers MRI truck breaking down. That said, the background music, the sheer length of the injury list, and the ending could just as easily push this into either Nightmare Fuel or Tear Jerker territory.

NFL Week Three (2020)

• For the second week in a row, the Falcons blow another double digit lead—this time, a 26-10 lead to the Chicago Bears, who changed quarterbacks in the second half, using Nick Foles in place of Mitch Trubisky. Understandably, Tree went ballistic in another "The Reason You Suck" Speech.
  UT: [with the dumpster fire being superimposed over the Bears' game-winning touchdown] You know, I wanted you dead when you blew one 15-point lead in the 4th quarter, but to shit the bed in such a fashion IN CONSECUTIVE WEEKS?! [Mr. Kincade from the South Park episode "Guitar Queer-o" says "You blew it! You had it all and you blew it!"; explosion sound as the superimposition changes into the Georgia Dome, the Falcons' old stadium, being imploded] What in the literal fuck?! WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, MARINE?! Do you have a fetish for getting shit on or something? You trying to make OBJ into a prude? [as yet another chart showing the Falcons' >99% chance of winning in the dying minutes appears] Another game with an over 99% chance on winning AND YOU CHOKE ON THE AIR AGAIN?! The Falcons wanna make the same fuck-ups in the 4th quarter, well, they can be our Lolcow of the Week again! Every week this shit keeps going on is a failure on Arthur Blank! His refusal to make necessary changes when they need to be makes him look weak and afraid of change! And guess what happens when you don't change? The league eats you for fucking breakfast! Dan Quinn should've been fired last year! Dimitroff should've been fired years earlier!
  Caption: [a headline saying Dan Quinn is focused on 'finishing better' rather than his job status] MORE CLICHES...
  UT: You can't just fire random assistants and pretend shit's gonna change! Period! You've earned these epic chokes! Stop wasting all your talent and let them go to teams that give a shit already! [Vaas saying "Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity?", followed by a clip of Jon Taffer saying "You blew it! Goodnight!"]
• Rams vs. Bills had the latter taking a substantial lead late in the game when:
  UT: Buffalo isn't even making this into a contest, as they posted a twenty-eight to- twenty-eight to three? Oh my God, OH MY GOD! The fools have no idea what they've done! I have to warn them! [phone dials, some indecipherable chatter is heard on the other side of the line as the Rams begin to rally] Is this the Pentagon? Get me the President! No, I don't care if I have clearance or not, the Buffalo Bills have walked right into a trap! Don't ask me how I got this number, I don't know, either! Just send the message to the Bills! They need to know before it's too late!... Yes, I'll have a stuffed crust pizza with extra pepperoni...and breadsticks, too. Yes, yes, I'll clean up my room. I love you too, mom. [phone disconnects as the Rams are now only behind 28-25 and on the verge of scoring a touchdown] Goddammit, I couldn't get the message to them! Now the Bills have pissed away a 25-point lead [Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"] and have to come back in a game they should have easily won.^note Unlike Super Bowl 51, the Bills would go on to win the game 35-32 due to the Rams getting flagged for a questionable pass interference call, and the Bills scoring the game winning TD with seconds to play.

NFL Week Four (2020)

• What happens when two winless teams are both wracked with injuries in Week 4? We get the answer when the Denver Broncos and New York Jets face off (on Thursday Night Football, natch):
  UT: It's a two-for-one! An Injury Bowl and the inaugural Tank Bowl!
  [The Tank Bowl and Injury Bowl intros play simultaneously on the left and right halves of the screen, respectively]

NFL Week Five (2020)

• Tree dubs the Chargers' habit of blowing winnable games as "Spanos: The Hands Of Fate" as they went from leading 20-10 at halftime against the Saints to losing 30-27 in overtime.

NFL Week Six (2020)

• The intro updates by starting with Marcus Maye's butt-ception from Jets/Dolphins.
• The clip of Derrick Henry stiff-arming Josh Norman adds a new gag - a text screed RIP JOSH NORMAN'S DIGNITY as he hits the ground.
• THREE TANK BOWLS, all with gloriously hilarious subtitles:
  • Misery in Metlife for New York Giants - Washington
  • Victims of New England for Detroit - Jacksonville
  • Failed Ambitions for Atlanta - Minnesota
• Closing out Tree's recap of his Steelers blowing out the Browns is the return of the Yinzer:
  The Yinzer: Hey jagoff, you see that? That's called "the Steelers are going back to the SUPER BOWL!"
  UT: How the hell did you make bail?

NFL Week Seven (2020)

• Given the ineptitude of the entire NFC East, he christened it as the Tank Division, with all divisional matches being a Tank Bowl. He added cartoon sound effects to Giants-Eagles to reflect how sloppy both teams were.
  UT: (over the Daniel Jones trip) LOOK OUT DANNY, THE GHOSTS OF DERPS PAST ARE COMING TO HAUNT YOUR DREAMS!
• As for the other NFC East matchup that weekend, the game is so sloppy that the discussion is spun off. Welcome to "Dallas: A Million Ways to Die in the NFC East".
• Tree billed Lions-Falcons as the Choke Bowl, and it certainly delivered as advertised (even down to the refs choking by virtue of dodgy "roughing the passer" calls again). Atlanta once again delivered a definitive choke. This time Tree wasn't even mad:
  UT: [1st and Goal with just over a minute to go, Falcons only behind 16-14] All they have to do is burn clock and- [Todd Gurley successfully runs down the middle and scores a quick touchdown, giving the Falcons a 22-16 lead] GURLEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE GIVING DETROIT THE BALL BACK, YOU FOOL! [cue past footage of Gurley running way back to close to his own end zone before being tackled] Weren't you the one that made that really smart play two years ago with the Rams?
  Caption: AND IT WAS AGAINST DETROIT, TOO? JESUS CHRIST, MAN...
  UT: Does game intelligence choke when it comes to Atlanta too? Now you have to trust the defense to get a fucking stop! It goes about as well as you would expect! And now for the icing on the cake. [Matt Stafford successfully completes his touchdown pass to T. J. Hockenson just as the game ends, Tree laughs hysterically with the Sarcastic Clapping playing as the Lions successfully convert their extra point attempt, Tree catches his breath but is still laughing through his words for the remainder of the section] I once thought that the Falcons were worthy of scorn, but now I see. They're a comedy. They easily choked a winnable game again. The third time in six weeks! [the chart showing the Falcons' win probability quickly evaporating from the 96.6% chance of winning when the Lions were forced to spike the ball with half a minute left] A 96.6% chance of winning!
  Caption: A MERE MATINEE CHOKE FOR THE FALCONS TODAY
  UT: I'd have more of a chance of being a pro athlete than the Falcons had at blowing these games. You tanked it! [Fletcher Reede does a Spit Take and yells "Ah, c'mon!"] Ah, goddammit! And even better, because of Matt Stafford's talent, Detroit's going to be stuck with Matt Patricia as coach for the next three years!
  Caption: BEHOLD: YOUR PYRRHIC VICTORY. LET THE FALSE HOPE CONSUME YOU.
  UT: Everyone loses today! Except the laughter. That wins!
  Caption: THEY PROBABLY WOULD'VE MISSED THE FIELD GOAL IF THEY DIDN'T SCORE.
  UT: Real talk, Atlanta, just blow it up! This is endless failure, and that isn't going to change without a deep overhaul.
  Caption: FREE MATT RYAN AND JULIO JONES. NOW.
  UT: Oh my God, I can't believe they did it again. [Vaas saying "Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity?", followed by Rust Cohle saying "If you get the opportunity, you should kill yourself."]

NFL Week Eight (2020)

• The Steelers-Ravens matchup is a close affair of the two dominant powers in the AFC North, and Tree covers the game with the gravitas such contest deserves. But when the dust settles, his beloved Steelers are standing tall as the only remaining undefeated team in the NFL, awakening from its slumber a force not seen in almost two years:
  UT: The Steelers remain undefeated. Do you know what this means?
  [the screen turns red and begins shaking, with sirens blaring]
  The Yinzer: THE STEELERS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLL YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
  Caption: [over the reddened screen and the Yinzer's babbling] YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  PREPARE FOR INSUFFERABILITY
  YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  REPENT, ALL YE SINNERS
  YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  LAKERS FANS OF THE NFL
  YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  WAS THE YINZER REALLY A GUEST?
  YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  WE ARE ALL FUCKED

NFL Week Nine (2020)

• Special guest Hiei2k7 (AKA One Angry Meathead)^note A moderator of the /r/UrinatingTree subreddit. channels the late Billy Mays as the Bears' offence grinds to a halt in a 24-17 loss to the Titans:
  "Billy Mays": [over the Double Dare (1986) theme music] Hi folks! Billy Mays here to talk to you about Drive-Away! It's the one product that will stop those pesky offensive drives once and for all! You hate them as much as I do! They have titty-kissers! They have big appendages! They have doinks! Well! With a little slab of Drive-Away on your team's field, that team's offence is immediately gone! Drive-Away has incredible play-calling technology [Caption: PATENTED NAGY TECHNOLOGY] where it stifles offensive advancement and creativity! Everything is stopped in its tracks for at least 45 minutes or your money back!
  Caption: AT LEAST 45 MINUTES OF PROTECTION OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
  "Billy Mays": It works on all surfaces! [each of the following surfaces appears as a caption with a "ding!"] Grass, turf, that beady stuff, everything!
  Caption: HALAS' URN^note A (possibly unintentional) reference to Bears founder George Halas being nicknamed "Mr. Everything".
  "Billy Mays": How can I make this even better? It's all yours for the special low price of $19.85.
  Caption: ONE EASY PAYMENT OF $19.85!
  "Billy Mays": But wait! I'll double the offer! I'll not only throw in a false start penalty [Caption: A FIVE YARD VALUE!] to take them out of field goal range, I'll give you another false start penalty, absolutely free.
  Caption: [flashing] TWO FALSE START PENALTIES FREE OF CHARGE!
  "Billy Mays": Enjoy your football wins in peace again with the power of Drive-Away! Here's how to order!
  Caption: [on 1980s-style "Send money to this address for this product" screen] DRIVE-AWAY $19.85 PLUS 2 FALSE START PENALTIES (FIVE YARD VALUE)
  VIRGINIA MCCASKEY'S SOUL CHAMBER
  1920 FOOTBALL DRIVE
  LAKE FOREST, IL 60045^note The address of the Bears' team headquarters; the building number is a reference to the year of their foundation.
  PLEASE, NO COD'S OR BUYER'S REMORSE
  UT: [in Rattling Off Legal voice] To order, please send cash, cheque, or a sealed blood contract to Virginia McCaskey's Soul Chamber, 1920 Football Drive, Lake Forest, IL 60045. Products ordered will be delivered in roughly two to four weeks. The maker of this product is not responsible for the corruption of the team in question or desire to undo past drafting mistakes. Offer not valid in Michigan, Minnesota, or Wisconsin.^note The respective home states of the other NFC North teams: the Lions, the Vikings, and the Packers.
• Tree styles the summary of the Vikings' 34-20 win over the Lions as a dating video for Vikings running back Dalvin Cook:
  UT: Hello. I'm Dalvin Cook. And I like fucking shit up. My hobbies include obliterating opposing defenses, yoga, and consuming the blood of my enemies. I'm currently looking for a team to lead to a convincing victory against a division rival. And to consume the blood of my enemies. My finances are secure and my offensive line is sturdy today. My good friend Kirk shows up sometimes. He brings beer and touchdowns. If you're interested in meeting up, please pee on the remnants of what was the Detroit Lions. My neighbor Matt has had a bad week.
  Headline: DETROIT LIONS QB MATTHEW STAFFORD BACK FOR SECOND STINT ON RESERVE/COVID-19 LIST
  UT: He couldn't practice due to COVID, took a private jet to the game, and got knocked out due to a concussion.
  Headline: LIONS QB MATTHEW STAFFORD EXITS EARLY IN LOSS TO VIKINGS, CLEARS CONCUSSION PROTOCOL
  UT: I feel bad for him. And will not consume his blood today. I look forward to hearing from you if you get this message. Thank you for looking at my profile.
• This week's Tank Division (AKA, the NFC East) matchup, subtitled "Tank Bowl X", pits the New York Giants against the Washington Football Team. The tone is set by a hilarious display of ineptitude by both teams in the first quarter as a fumble recovery goes comically awry (so much so that it made this episode's opening montage):
  UT: Behold one of the greatest plays in NFL history!
  [At 1st and 10 on their own 35-yard line, Washington's Kyle Allen fires a pass to running back Antonio Gibson, who makes it to the Giants' 44-yard line before being tackled by Blake Martinez... and, as comedy music begins playing, Gibson fumbles the ball to the "Sonic loses all of his rings" sound effect; the Giants' David Mayo tries to grab the ball, but it slips out of his hands with a Sonic "pinball bumper" sound effect; his teammate Isaac Yiadom can't get to the ball in time and falls over trying to turn around with, respectively, the stock "BRUH!" and "Oh NO!" clips; Washington's Logan Thomas reaches the ball and tries to grab it... and it slips out of his hands with another "pinball bumper" sound effect as he falls over with a slide whistle effect; players on both teams pile onto the ball with Madden sound effects, then a Sonic "wrong way" buzzer as the ball slips from under the pile; Washington's Terry McLaurin makes another grab for the ball while still on the ground, but it slips out of his hands with another "pinball bumper" sound effect; finally, the Giants' Jabrill Peppers gets control of the ball on his team's 19-yard line with a Super Mario 64 Thwomp sound effect. All in less time than it takes to read this description]
  Announcer: SUCCESS! [Final Fantasy VI victory fanfare]
  UT: This is why Tank Bowls are "must watch" television. They are works of art.
• The hitherto unthinkable happens: the Patriots of all teams are in a Tank Bowl! Unfortunately for their haters, they're playing the Jets. The Jets tease everyone watching the game with false hope, but the end result is the same as ever...
  UT: The Jets are awful.
  Headline: JETS PLAYERS ALERT NFLPA ABOUT HIDDEN LOCKER ROOM CAMERAS AT TEAM FACILITY
  Caption: NOW WITH MORE SPYING ON PLAYERS!
  UT: And New England hasn't been shy about admitting that they suck this season.
  Headline: BILL BELICHICK CITES SALARY CAP FOR SOME OF NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS DEPTH ISSUES
  UT: It's more New York, but this is a Tank Bowl...
  [cue "Roundball Rock", tanks rolling across the screen, then, surrounding the Patriots and Jets logos...]
  Captions: TANK BOWL XI
  JUST WATCH THE JETS WIN...
  UT: The Patriots in a Tank Bowl. Never thought I'd see the day. They won't even get the privilege of having fans in their stadium to embrace the suck this year. To be completely honest, I wouldn't bother trying to with the shit they're doing here. New England is losing to the Jets. And not just by a point or two, it's pretty convincing. Something about Joe Flacco playing the Patriots unlocks his elite talent. It's a long shot for them at this point, but there's a chance New England can start a new dynasty in Tank Bowl.
  Caption: [as the Patriots line up a field goal attempt, the Jets are flagged for having too many men on the field] TWELVE MEN ON THE FIELD. WHAT IS GAME PREPARATION?
  UT: ... Oh, right, this is the Jets. Nothing comes easy for this franchise, and that includes their endless quest to ruin newly-drafted quarterbacks.
  Caption: [as Joe Flacco throws a pass from the Jets' 18-yard line toward Denzel Mims... only for the Patriots' J.C. Jackson to intercept it on his team's 28-yard line] THE ONE TIME HE DOESN'T THROW A CHECKDOWN...
  UT: Throughout the second half, they would outright implode on the football field. Cam Newton had minimal resistance as LOLJets would reign supreme at MetLife.
  Caption: THEY REMEMBERED THEIR TANK?
  UT: Just like raising a Jets fan, there would be nothing but abuse. The Patriots win and keep their playoff hopes alive. Jets fans celebrate and gain false hope that their shithole organization won't utterly ruin whomever they draft. [as Nick Folk kicks a 51-yard field goal as the clock runs out to hand the game to the Patriots, 30-27] Everyone else is livid because they can't dunk on a former dynasty. The New York Jets, everyone!
  Billy Madison: YOU BLEW IT!!

NFL Week Eleven (2020)

• With the New York Jets being the first team eliminated from the playoffs, Tree abandons the traditional blood splatter and Stock Scream, in favor of the latest gaming trend.
  UT: New York is an impostor. Get the hell off this ship.
  [A black screen with white stars similar to the one used in Among Us eliminations appears]
  Header: ELIMINATED
  [The Jets logo tumbles as it goes from left to right across the screen]
  Caption: [shown one character at a time, accompanied by beeps] THERE ARE 17 IMPOSTORS REMAINING

NFL Week Twelve (2020)

• The Thanksgiving matchup between the Dallas Cowboys and the Washington Football Team is labeled HAPPY TANKSGIVING!
• With Tree on holiday during the previous week, a variety of guest hosts add their own flair to the episode:
  • FivePointsVids declares the Bengals-Giants game a Tank Bowl due to their poor records, only to retract the title because the Giants are positioned to be first in a terrible NFC East... only to restore the title after Daniel Jones got injured.
  • Poor EmperorLemon was stranded on Tank Island after seeing his beloved Jacksonville Jaguars go through yet another Downward Spiral for the past year.
    EmpLemon: I'm sure come 2021, [the Downward Spiral begins to fade in] the Jags will make the most of their top draft pick and get a solid franchise quarterback. [Lucius Best says "HA! Never heard that one before." as pictures of Blaine Gabbert and Blake Bortles appear] Let's be honest though, the top two QBs in this draft^note Clemson's Trevor Lawrence and Ohio State's Justin Fields are doomed to get completely ruined by these awful teams^note The Jets and Jaguars respectively — the Jags did take Lawrence in the following draft but the Jets selected BYU's Zach Wilson instead, with Fields going to Chicago at #11 and ten years from now, Kyle Trask^note Florida, from EmpLemon's hometown of Gainesville will be dominating the league after dodging all the dumpster fire franchises and getting drafted by an actually decent organization in the late first round. I seriously don't understand why Jacksonville is even allowed to have a pro football team. We're literally the smallest major sports market in America. The NFL may as well have given the franchise to Bismarck, South Dakota. [shows that EmpLemon meant North Dakota, but doesn't care to correct the mistake because he's sick of his team's ineptitude and just wanted to go back to watching NASCAR; cuts to pictures of very sparse stands at TIAA Bank Stadium] The Jaguars don't even have limited-capacity seating at their home games, these are just all the people they can get to show up. Just like with YouTube Rewind [shows the site's notice saying there won't be a 2020 Rewind interspersed with Will Smith looking at his cell-phone and his laughter], no-one would really be upset if they just took the rest of the Jags' season and cancelled it. They better hurry too, [cuts to a single blood-splattered skeleton sitting on a Jaguars towel with a foam finger next to EmpLemon] we lost another quarter of the fanbase after I was forced to eat one of them for Thanksgiving.
  • ThatsGoodSports had to cover the game between the Broncos and Saints where the Broncos had all four of their Quarterbacks held out due to COVID-19 protocols.
  • Tom Grossi had some words for Tree, after Tree had declared Packers fans "Lolcows of the Week" for issuing death threats to one of their receivers who had fumbled the ball in overtime of the previous week's game.
    Grossi: Oh, I see. You want- you want something from me, Tree? Oh, funny. Funny. 'Cause, if I recall, last week, Packer fans were the, uh, how'd ya put it, the Lolcow of the Week? The Lolcow! Do you know how many mentions I got on Instagram? In the comments on my channel, that I was a Lolcow? You know I had to look that up on Urban Dictionary, and you know what it said? Nothing good, Tree! Nothing good! And now, you're asking me to do a recap here? Fine, fine. 'Cause I'm professional, I'm gonna do it.

NFL Week Thirteen (2020)

• Pittsburgh-Washington:
  • As the Steelers record their first loss of the season to, of all teams, the Washington Football Team, the Days of Our Lives theme begins to play over the closing seconds of the highlights — only for Tree to stop it dead in its tracks:
    UT: Oh come on, stop that shit! [Record Needle Scratch as a translucent "Days of our Steelers" title is swiped up] I'm leaving that series dead and that's that. Shit's made its course.
  • However, all is not for naught; Tree decides that it's time to start a new tradition: the anthem of the Washington Football Team!
    [over a recording of "Hail to the Redskins"]
    Recording/UT: Hail to the Name Redacted
    Hail positive outcome
    Players on the football field
    Fight for Washington Football Team

NFL Week Fourteen (2020)

• The continued missed field goals for the Minnesota Vikings are treated as if it were a flashback to the Vietnam War similar to the narration from Apocalypse Now.
• The habitual choking of both the Falcons and Chargers was such that the match between the two warranted its own video. And to start it off, the Tank Bowl introduction plays, advertising TANK BOWL XVIII: THEY'RE THE SAME TEAM, before abruptly changing to scenes of King Joffrey's poisoning, the Mrs. Doubtfire choking scene and Vader force-choking Krennic to CHOKE BOWL II.

NFL Week Fifteen (2020)

• It finally happens: after a loss to the Dolphins, the Patriots are mathematically eliminated from the postseason for the first time since 2008. The Among Us-inspired "ELIMINATED!" screen accompanies the Patriots logo getting spaced with a snippet of "Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead" and the sound of children cheering.
• Derrick Henry once again stiff-arming a defender hard during the Titans' match with the Lions. Not only does Tree put it in at the intro of the video (with a caption saying "NO QUARTER FOR THE CRAVEN"), but he also has this to say.
  UT: Good LORD King Henry, that man had a family!
  Caption: THE NFL WILL PROBABLY FINE HIM FOR UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS

Days of Our Steelers - Corvette Corvette

• The episode starts off with a montage of the Steelers' 11-0 run, accompanied by Tree going full Yinzer mode and declaring that Days of Our Steelers was permanently cancelled. And then it cuts to a despondent Tree after losing their third straight game, this time against the Bengals.
  UT: (sighs, holds a pint of beer) I'm gonna need a hell of a lot more of this where I'm going.
• When going over JuJu Smith-Schuster dancing on the Bengals' midfield logo before the game for TikTok clicks, after having done the same on the Bills' the week before and getting his team dominated for his troubles.
  UT: Coming into Cincy it'll be a de facto home game for the Black and Gold Brigade. They should win in the terms of an ESPN analyst: "by a lot".
  Caption: (accompanying a picture of two picks where Booger McFarland favors the Steelers by "a lot" and Steven A. Smith picked the Steelers - curiously - by 28-3) STEVE, YOU BASTARD
  UT: JuJu knows this too, and he will honor this, (cuts to JuJu dancing on the logo, accompanied by a headline stating him doing so despite backlash) by dancing on the midfield logo before the game. (sounding defeated) They did it, they corrupted JuJu.
  Caption: YOU CAN'T STOP THE DANCING MACHINE. ESPECIALLY ON THE LOGOS.

NFL Week Sixteen (2020)

• The Vikings' elimination screen is accompanied by Vikings radio announcer Paul Allen's reaction to Blair Walsh's missed field goal in the 2015-16 NFL Wild Card game against the Seattle Seahawks:
  Paul Allen: Are you kidding me? The season can't end like that!

NFL Week Seventeen (2020)

• Saving the best for last, Tree put the final Tank Division matchups at the very end of the video, starting with Cowboys-Giants for bigger suspense, seeing as they were 6-9 and 5-10 respectively and yet still in the Playoff hunt, needing Washington (6-9) to lose. Then as the Cowboys were behind 23-19 and quarterback Andy Dalton had a pass intercepted in the end zone with 1:15 remaining in the game:
  UT: Good fucking riddance! Time for the four greatest words in football: "HOW 'BOUT THEM-" [Giants running back Wayne Gallman fumbles while trying to run out the clock, but he manages to recover the ball] OH MY GOD, GALLMAN, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! Thank God you recovered it, so let's try this again: [corpses] "HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS!"
  Caption: EAT SHIT, JERRY BOY
  Header: ELIMINATED
  [The Cowboys logo tumbles into space like in Among Us, with Tree still laughing through the whole thing]
  Caption: [shown one character at a time, accompanied by beeps] THERE IS 1 IMPOSTOR REMAINING
• Then after Washington wins, addressing accusations from Giants fans, players and coaches that the Eagles were tanking^note Eagles head coach Doug Pederson (who would be fired a few days later) had benched starting quarterback Jalen Hurts for the entire fourth quarter of the game, signaling that the Eagles, who had already been eliminated from playoff contention due to a loss to the Cowboys the week prior, had given up:
  UT: If you were to look at these tweets, you would think their team was a ten-win squad that was a legitimate Super Bowl contender. Fuck you! The G-men were trash, and your offense was uninspired refuse.
  Caption: [above the headline stating that Dave Gettleman is coming back as Giants' GM in 2021] ENJOY YOUR PUNISHMENT, GIANTS FANS
  UT: You were lucky to even be in this conversation. Six-win teams usually go to the fucking Tank Bowl!
  Caption: [over a late dropped pass leading to the Giants losing to the Eagles on Week Seven] YOU WANT TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS? THEN MAKE THIS CATCH.
  UT: Now stay there!
  Header: ELIMINATED
  [The Giants logo tumbles into space like in Among Us]
  Caption: [shown one character at a time, accompanied by beeps] THERE ARE NO IMPOSTORS REMAINING?
  UT: Therefore as a result of the wonders of Tank Division... [cuts to the end of "The Great Snail Race", with Washington's logo on the rock and owner Dan Snyder's face superimposed on a cheering Patrick Star] It happened, the meme division is won by a meme itself! The [NAME REDACTED] will be playing a playoff game at FedEx Field.
  [Washington's logo appears to the Impostor Victory screen^note whereas all the other playoff teams (except the Chicago Bears) were given normal Victories, with the PLAYOFF BOUND! caption and confetti]
  Jerry Jones!Squidward: I don't believe it, a purebred which cost me $1700 lost to a rock.

2021 NFL Season

NFL Week One Edition (2021)

• A new intro for Sportsball, with Tom Hedden's "Sprint Right" (used from 2003 to 2013 as the backing theme to the NFL's copyright teasers) behind Kevin Harlan's "I'm calling both games!", former Washington General Manager Bruce Allen's "The culture is actually pretty damn good", Gerudo Valley stating "The following is a presentation of Sportsball", and Harlan's "Pull up your pants, take off that bra, and be a man!"

NFL Week Two Edition (2021)

• Tree describing the Steelers getting dominated by the Raiders at home:
  Tree: You know what Pittsburgh was? [an image appears of a pantless Steelers fan, accompanied by Tree's Yinzer voice rambling in the background] A fan shitting himself and washing his pants over a stadium sink. Kids, if you're ever at that point, no reason to try and salvage anything, just go the fuck home!
• New York Giants vs the Washington Football Team, Washington goes for a field goal in the final few seconds of the game and the kick goes wide right, missing and giving the Giants the win... At first.
  Tree: [A flag is called on the Giants, causing a redo of the field goal at 43 yards that Washington makes this time, final score: 29-30] Oh my succulent tangy Christ! [as the Derp Song starts cuing up] Dexter Lawrence the Second, report to the principal's office immediately!

NFL Week Three Edition (2021)

• When Tree was going over how the Bengals manhandled the Steelers, the instrumental track to "Corvette Corvette" plays in the background.

NFL Week Four Edition (2021)

• The "Corvette Corvette" gag continues as the Pittsburgh Steelers lose to the Green Bay Packers.
• As the New England Patriots' Nick Folk misses the game ending field goal in the game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Daytona USA "Game Over" screen is overlaid over the footage.
• The stinger features a clip of a Cleveland-area local car dealership's take on the Super Bowl Shuffle, featuring the Cleveland Browns' Joel Bitonio and Jack Conklin.
  LOCAL CAR DEALERSHIPS STILL RUIN EVERYTHING!
• His description of the much hyped Bucs/Patriots game that featured Tom Brady coming back to Gillette for the first time since leaving the Pats.
  Tree: Did guys you know that Tom Brady is returning to Foxborough this week? I don't think the media's reporting enough on this fantastic occasion. The duo that made us all dread the shield reuniting for forced counseling sessions. You can just feel the awkward sexual tension between Belichick and Brady, they wanna go at each other again, just like old times. But Brady is with another sugar daddy, and Belichick is chasing after younger tail. It wouldn't work.
  [Later, after a sideline camera catches Steve Belichick doing, well, this◊ with his tongue.]
  Tree: No Steven, don't expose your perversions in public you sick fuck! You wanna be a degenerate, choke out the Buccaneers offense!
  [Finally, the game ends on a doinked field goal by the Pats to lose the game.]
  Tree: Everything worked out in the end, Tampa Bay wins, Patriot fans are pissed because they're entitled shits and Brady and Belichick had makeup sex in the locker room after the game.

NFL Week Five Edition (2021)

• Meta-example: The previous week's opener accidentally stated "Week Three". Thus, this week, the preview image and opener both have WHERE IS WEEK FOUR? overlaid on them.
• In the Ravens/Colts game where the Ravens are down and have been underperforming, before remembering they still have Lamar Jackson at QB.
  Tree: Cue the music boys!
  [The Mighty Mouse theme starts playing as Lamar starts doing amazing Lamar stuff to start the Raven's comeback.]
  Tree: What the fuck are the Ravens? I swear every fucking week with this team has been eleventy billion cardiac arrests followed by rapid tachycardia. And now Baltimore has suddenly hit a manic euphoria!

NFL Week Six Edition (2021)

• This time, Tree gives not one, but TWO Lolcows of the Week. One to the Washington Football Team ownership for giving a completely half-assed and hastily planned number retirement ceremony for Sean Taylor, especially as pressure from investigations ramped up. The other Lolcow was given to the Steelers fans for doing the wave while Seahawks defensive end Darrell Taylor was laying on the ground with a serious injury.
• In a bit of a Black Comedy, the Cardinals-Browns game received the Fox "injury break" background theme as Browns' promising season got derailed by a mountain of injuries to their key players.

NFL Week Eight Edition (2021)

• Tree letting false hope consume him after the Steelers managed to eke out a shaky win over the snake bitten Browns:
  UT: Pittsburgh was gifted a win they didn't really deserve and look incredibly unimpressive without being bailed out for their idiocy. You know my conclusion from this? [speaking in a Yinzer accent] Stillers gahnta Super Bowl! Stillers gahnta Super Bowl! Ya hear me, bitches? [YINZER MODE ACTIVATED] THA STILLERS ARE GOIN TO THA SUPER BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHLLL!!!!! YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!

Detroit Lions vs Pittsburgh Steelers (November 14, 2021) - The Greatest Game

• The aforementioned game was so terrible that the recap was split off from Week Ten Hater's Guide. As Tree sets the scene for this game, an tune from an earlier era comes in to haunt Tree... to his dismay:
  UT: [over the "Pennsylvania Polka"] Heinz Field. A place where magic has happened. Both in terms of fantastic victory [over an I MISS TROY POLAMALU caption] and hilarious hijinks [illustrated by a clip from the 2007 Steelers-Dolphins game of a punted ball standing end-up in a waterlogged field], this hallowed ground has brought us some of the most majestic football our eyes have seen. For an undescript Sunday game, there is much on the line for the Pittsburgh Steelers. They've won incredibly ugly this season. With a combination of insane luck, weak opponents that have somehow stayed in games until the end, and bribing officials to give them a win against Chicago [MENTIONING THIS IS PROBABLY A TAUNTING PENALTY], life is good. [the Yinzer fades in for the next four sentences] We all know the conclusion to this season. The Steelers are going to the Super Bowl. Do not deny it. Yinzer arrogance will consume you all. [overlay of a social media post of a Steelers fan at a restroom sink... washing his pants]. And you will enjoy every second of it. [shift to dreary background music] Especially as their opponent is [chuckles] the Detroit Lions. One of the worst teams in terms of talent thrown out onto a football field in recent memory. [THE DETROIT LIONS: PERPETUALLY REBUILDING SINCE 1956] On the opposite side of the spectrum, they've had terrible fortune with their losses this year. Coming up short in a furious comeback against San Francisco. Losing on a literal kick of God from Justin Tucker. [NOT TO MENTION GIVING UP A 4TH AND INFINITY] Falling apart on a final drive and losing by field goal to the Vikings. The Vikings. Detroit is so miserable that they probably ended up losing to the bye week by multiple scores. Good lord, this is a team that needs their first win badly. Dan Campbell is a likeable folk hero, here biting kneecaps, endless grit, and crying for his team during press conferences.
  Headline: DAN CAMPBELL WIPES AWAY TEARS FOLLOWING LOSS TO VIKINGS
  UT: Not that it matters, since destiny awaits. It's expected that the Steelers dominate on their way to—
  [the screen begins to fade to black]
  UT: Why the hell are you fading to black? I was told the new guy would know how to cut video. Do us all a favor and put the game back up on the—
  [the Days of our Lives theme plays]
  UT: No! NO! [as the "Days of our Steelers" title fades in] Stop playing that goddamn music, I said I was done with that shit. There's no fucking drama surrounding this team, playing it louder isn't going to do anything! Duh, gah! Damnit!!
• Tree having a meltdown over the Steelers doing worse than losing to the worst team of 2021... by tying with the winless Lions.

NFL Week Twelve Edition (2021)

• Tree did not take the fact that the Steelers got thoroughly humiliated by the Bengals well. He even brought back the Days of our Lives theme ("Tonight, on Meaningless Fanservice...") and brought up that a recently-passed Steelers fan used his own obituary as a jab to the team's ineptitude after drawing the winless Lions.
  UT: As we hope this isn't the unofficial end of their season, so continues the Days of Our Steelers. Fuck, I said this is over with.
• Tree almost forgot to give out Lolcow of the Week and caught it at the last possible moment.
  UT: I just realized I forgot the double Lolcow of the Week this week. This one's easy for me, it's Philadelphia! [as Jalen Hurts throws a bad Red Zone interception] Fucking trash-ass franchise can't do anything right if it was a Red Zone opportunity for Jalen Hurts. [over an unsuccessful fourth down Hail Mary as the Eagles trailed 7-13 with mere seconds left in the game] This opportunity to roast them was wide open but I dropped it like Reagor. Imagine living in Pennsylvania, that sounds embarrassing.

NFL Week Thirteen Edition (2021)

• The Texans were the first to be eliminated after losing to the Colts, and this time Tree has a new trend to use for the eliminations:
  UT: Indy, with a grace rivalling contenders, was quietly efficient and did what they needed to do. They head into their Bye Week with a good bit of momentum. I'd gladly take a shit-hot victory if I was them, even if it was against literal garbage. Speaking of that, it's time to take out the first bit of trash... [250 with the Lions logo looks on nervously as 324 with the Texans logo gets shot and collapses in front of him, the Texans logo on the screen vanishes]
  Announcer: Houston Texans eliminated!

Week Fifteen Edition (2021)

• Tree completely gives into the false hope after the Steelers beat the Titans by the skin of their teeth and eek out another win.
  (As Joe Haden tackles Nick Westbrook-Ikhine one yard short of the first down marker on fourth down, the victory tune from The Legend of Zelda plays)
  UT: Ah, one yard short, how I missed that glorious meme. (over replay of the play which indeed shows Westbrook-Ikhine being farther from where the refs marked him down)
  Caption: The refs nearly fucked up the spot of the ball, too
  Why is it the officials fucking suck so hard this year? Gamesmanship?
  UT: This game said a hellava lot more about the Titans than it did the Steelers. Pittsburgh shouldn't be anywhere near a playoff spot since they have severe holes throughout their lineup, but I don't fucking care!
  [screen begins shaking and turns red, sirens go off, Yinzer Mode Activated pops up]
  UT: The Steelers are going to the Goddamn Super Bowl! All of these miracles don't pop up without divine intervention!
  Caption: Prepare the Primanti's
  UT: This is a team of destiny!
  Caption: High end talent
  UT: They are going to the Super Bowl! [pounds desk]
  Caption: For the old man
  UT: And I will hear no counter-arguments!
  Caption: Worst-case scenario
  Who fucking cares?
  Stillers gahnta Super Bowl
  UT: My case is concrete!
  Caption: Embrace the madness
  There is no spoon
  There is no false hope
  Only warming reality
  UT: The hope of this city will go streaking down the strip while terrible fucking towels tear us apart!
  Caption: Insufferability increase tenfold
  Indoctrinate the children
  In Steeler football

Week Eighteen Edition (2021)

• As the Steelers and Ravens go into overtime with a critical win for a Wild Card spot at stake, Tree cuts to Jaguars vs. Colts where all the latter needs to do is win what should be an easy match to make it alongside one of the AFC West teams. Tree proceeds to berate the Colts the entire time for losing badly, while Jaguars fans have shown up with clown outfits in response to shoddy ownership and "March of the Gladiators" was being played in the background of the recap. No points for guessing as to what Tree gave Lolcow of the Week to.
  UT: Indianapolis, you failed miserably. And if Baltimore's going to hell, they're taking you with them!
  [cut to Ravens!212 pulling Colts!101 through a pane of glass to both their deaths, then both Ravens and Colts logos on the scoreboard vanish]
  Announcer: Baltimore Ravens and Indianapolis Colts eliminated!
  The Yinzer: WE'RE GAHNTA SUPER BOWL!

San Francisco 49ers vs. Dallas Cowboys (January 16, 2022) - The Greatest (Playoff) Game

• Tree decides the best way to describe the infamous QB draw the Cowboys ran with 14 seconds left on the clock and no timeouts is to edit the Sonic drowning music into the play footage, the death sound ringing out at the exact second Dak Prescott tries to spike the ball as the clock hits zero and the 49ers win.
  UT: Gridiron seppeku!
• The glorious closer.
  UT: It's a day we can shout this with pride; HOW ‘BOUT DEM COWBOYS!

2022 NFL Season

In general

• New year, new gags. Whenever a pick six occurs, the ding effect was punctuated with the "Hot Pockets!" jingle.^note effective week 2, since week 1 used "Hot Pockets!" in every interception Each sack was punctuated with the sounds of the Heavy eating his sandvich.
• This year’s theme for teams eliminated from playoff contention is the tombstone from the Oregon Trail, with each eliminated team having their own custom epitaph:
  Here lies Houston - The Tank of Tanks ^note Houston has the worst record in league of all teams this season (until Week 18 with their win against the Colts securing the Bears’ top pick), making them eligible to receive first pickings in next year’s draft, a process often referred to as “tanking”
  Here lies Chicago - Get [Justin] Fields some help, ffs ^note Referring to the Bears struggling to protect their potential franchise quarterback Justin Fields throughout the season.
  Here lies Denver - Laughs in Seattle ^note Referring to the bevy of draft picks Denver traded to Seattle in order to get Russell Wilson in light of the Broncos extremely disappointing season this year.
  Here lies Arizona - Aggravatingly bad ^note Arizona’s lackluster season this year has been largely attributed to head coach Kliff Kingsbury’s poor playcalling, culminating with star quarterback Kyler Murray suffering an season ending ACL tear.
  Here lies LA Rams - Picks fucked back ^note Unlike most NFL teams, the Rams tend to eschew building through the draft, instead opting to trade future draft picks for star players, a process Tree refers to as “Fuck them picks”. The Rams mediocre season this year coming off their Super Bowl victory is seen by many as that strategy finally backfiring.
  Here lies Cleveland - Tfw no happy ending ^note Referring to Browns quarterback DeShaun Watson’s myriad of sexual harassment accusations.
  Here lies Atlanta - Groundhog Day ^note Referring to the Falcons never recovering from the infamous 28-3 blown lead to the New England Patriots in Super Bowl 51.
  Here lies Indianapolis - Luckless ^note A joke on the Colts’ logo being a horseshoe, typically considered a symbol of good luck, in light of the team’s numerous problems attributed to owner Jim Irsay. This is also a callback to a video UT made a month prior with the same title after potential franchise quarterback Andrew Luck's career was all but murdered by the Colts.
  Here lies New Orleans - Land of pirates, drunks, and whores ^note A reference to the "New Orleans" song from "A Streetcar Named Marge".
  Here lies Washington - Skinned Red ^note Referring to the Washington Commanders previous name as the Redskins, which had been controversial for years due it being a derogatory slur towards Native Americans until it was changed in 2020 following the George Floyd protests.
  Here lies Carolina - Overrhuled ^note A pun on Panthers head coach Matt Rhule whose disastrous tenure as coach led to him getting fired mid-season.
  Here lies NY Jets - Burn those receipts ^note Earlier this season, the Jets had a surprisingly good start including an upset win over the Buffalo Bills, leading to head coach Robert Saleh saying he would keep receipts on those who doubted the Jets prospects for the 2022 season. In the end, injuries and poor depth at QB would lead to the Jets missing the playoffs yet again.
  Here lies Las Vegas - You seriously hired McDaniels ^note Criticizing the decision by Raiders owner Mark Davis not to retain interim head coach Rich Bisaccia, despite him leading the team to the playoffs last season after Jon Gruden was fired for making racist and homophobic comments against commissioner Roger Goddell. Instead, Davis chose to hire New England offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels, a move criticized by Tree and others due to the poor track record of Belichick’s assistants as head coaches outside of New England, including McDaniels previous stint as the Broncos head coach from 2009-2010.
  Here lies New England - Burnt Hoodies ^note A reference to Patriots head coach Bill Belichick’s preference for wearing hooded sweaters.
  Here lies Tennessee - Crumbling like their stadium ^note The Titans had a 7-3 record and were leading the AFC South only to lose seven straight games and miss out on the playoffs to the Jacksonville Jaguars. Meanwhile, complaints have begun mounting over the state of disrepair of the Titans home stadium, with some estimates stating that renovating the stadium will cost nearly $2 billion—which is conveniently around the cost of a new stadium they are trying to get approved to begin construction later in 2023.
  Here lies Pittsburgh - Canadian Bacon ^note Another pun on a coach’s last name this time referring to Steelers offensive coordinator Matt Canada who Tree had lambasted all season for his overly conservative playcalling.
  Here lies Detroit - Chewed kneecaps ^note Referring to Dan Campbell’s now memetic speech upon taking the position of Lions head coach, stating that the team would become a scrappy contender capable of “biting kneecaps” off. A statement now seen as prophetic in light of the team’s massive improvement this season despite missing the playoffs after spending years as the NFC North’s doormat.
  Here lies Green Bay - Team fully immunized ^note Referring to quarterback Aaron Rodgers lying about his Covid vaccination status last season by claiming he was “immunized”.
• At the same time, the theme used for teams that do make the playoffs is the Congratulations scene from the Oregon Trail, with each qualified team having their custom tagline under "Congratulations! You have reached Playoff Land!":
  Philadelphia - Fly, Eagles, Fly! ^note Referring to their victory fight song, given their status as the best team in the NFL.
  San Francisco - Niner Suffocation ^note Referring to the 49ers' league-leading defense
  Minnesota - SKOL Vikes ^note Referring to their chant and victory fight song, which is used in their wins.
  Buffalo - Prepare the tables ^note Referring to the Bills mafia fanbase's...rather interesting tradition in breaking tables (mainly because Buffalo is 20 years behind on everything.)
  Kansas City - Cheeseburgers For All ^note Referring to the Trademark Favorite Food of Chiefs head coach Andy Reid.
  Dallas - How 'Bout Dem Boys? ^note Referring to the Cowboys slogan every time they get good.
  Baltimore - Can you hold a lead? ^note Referring to the Ravens blowing several double-digit 4th quarter leads this season. Spoiler alert: they can't.
  Cincinnati - Kitty Still Goes Meow
  LA Chargers - Spanos's Delight ^note Referring to the the fact that the Chargers' success ultimately benefits team owner and president, Dean Spanos, who is universally hated by Chargers fanbase for his infamous decision to relocate the team from San Diego to LA.
  NY Giants - Free Large Sodas For All! ^note Referring to a heavily mocked giveaway the Giants ran the previous season, where season ticket holders got a single medium soda at the last home game of that season.
  Tampa Bay - Tom Brady Bullshit Lives! ^note The fact that Tom Brady made the playoffs this year with a losing record in what is arguably the NFL's worst division.
  Miami - Kept the Laces Out!
  Jacksonville - Grinding it Out! ^note A mockery of Urban Meyer’s infamous lap dance that went viral, but taken into positive context with (in perhaps the complete opposite situation of division rival Tennessee) Jacksonville starting out with a 3-7 record before having a late season surge, which is highlighted by Trevor Lawrence's vast improvement, the complete turnaround in team culture with Super Bowl-winning coach Doug Pederson in the helm, and the team ultimately seizing the AFC South division title from the crumbling Titans themselves.
  Seattle - Who Needs Wilson? ^note Nobody could have ever thought that trading away longtime Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson to the Denver Broncos actually benefitted the team. Not only did they use the 2nd and 5th-round picks gained to get Pro-Bowlers and potential ROY candidates in RB Kenneth Walker III and CB Tariq Woolen, but also experienced an unbelievable Cinderella story from longtime journeyman: QB Geno Smith; all of which resulted in them having a better record than last year and returning to the playoffs with the last Wild Card spot. As for Wilson though...(see the Note on "Here Lies Denver" above)

NFL Week One (2022)

• Tree was playing up how the Falcons were making an effort to avoid choking, as they amassed a sixteen-point lead late in the second half. Turns out old habits die hard.
  UT: Now the old Atlanta would have blown this game, but not this time, Goddammit! They- blew the game. [glass shattering sound effect] They fucking choked again? [graphic of the Falcons' odds of winning at 97.1% with less than 15 minutes remaining] Oh God, they've relapsed! We went over the twelve steps, boys! You looked clean, but for all I know you are getting off to the goddamn fetish of yours again! Perhaps I was wrong! To cure 28-3, you'll have to contract the whole damn franchise! General Sherman had a point, the only way to heal Atlanta is to burn it to the ground!
• After the Titans somehow choke the game away to the Giants, Tree is clearly incredulous at the Texans somehow having the AFC South lead on account of tieing against the Colts.
  UT: Seriously how the fuck do you lose to the Giants?
• Tree was having a relentless laugh at the expense of Nathaniel Hackett's playcalling for the Broncos, where they blew eleven straight opportunities to get a leading touchdown against the lethargic Seahawks. And then the Broncos only used their first timeout after burning enough clock while at the opposing 46 and deciding to kick a 64-yard field goal with 20 seconds left in the game (when Brandon McManus never made a single kick above 60). For all this, and also using the remaining timeouts to stall the Seahawks' kneeling, Hackett got the dubious honor of being 2022's first Lolcow of the Week.
  UT: Broncos nation, let's ride the short bus to practice!^note A further mocking of an already mocked video of Russell Wilson saying, "Hey Broncos country, lets ride."

Pittsburgh Steelers vs Cincinatti Bengals (September 11, 2022) - The Greatest Game

• After T.J. Watt has to leave the game due to injury, Tree laments how he might be out for the season as the Days of Our Lives music starts playing.
  (Days of Our Steelers title card fades in)
  UT: GODDAMMIT STOP THAT SHIT!
  (Video cuts to test pattern)
• Once again for poor Tree, the Stillers defense is elite but their offense is a steaming pile of dogshit, leading to the moment at the end of regulation when Joe Burrow finally gets a touchdown pass to tie the game with four seconds on the clock.
  UT: Defense plays like that and yet the Steelers are still going to lose. Matt Canada needs to be locked in the same damn barrel Randy Fichtner was! Just kick the extra point, fucking end it!
  (Bengals go to make the PAT, Cue "Here I come to save the day!" as the kick is blocked and the game goes to overtime)
  UT: Oh my God...They blocked the kick! The game is tied! THE BULLSHIT IS REAL! SUCK MY DI-
  (Video suddenly cuts to test pattern)
• At OT, Tree lements that the Steelers's pass blockage is neutered thanks to T.J. Watt's injury as the Bengals get into field goal range for a 29 yard chip shot by Evan McPherson.
  UT: The Steelers used their last perk for the block kick, just put the dagger in my heart already.
  (McPherson kicks the ball...and it goes wide left and misses.)
  UT: He fucking missed. What! WHAAA- (Test pattern) Have none of you bastards watched Ace Ventura? Laces out! LACES FUCKING OUT!!! My kingdom for a long snapper!
  Caption: WHEN VOODOO MAGIC SUCCEEDS
  • Of course, when the Steelers get their chance to kick a field goal of their own to end the game, the ball doinks the post. Tree falls into angrish over the game continuing and then it cuts to a live phone cam of Tree watching the game.
    Live UT: THE KICK IS UP! INSIDE! DID HE- (A ding sound can be heard as the ball hits the post.) OH NO! IT HIT THE POST! OHHHHH GOD DAMNIT, MAKE THIS GAME END! (Live Tree screams as text that says REEXPERIENCES PUBERTY flies by on the top of the video) MY GOD! FUCK! COME ON!!!
    UT: The bullshit is unbelievably real. Cincinnati gets the ball back, I've had about six heart attacks today! Other people have had an average of nine.
• After one too many plays of "Here I come to save the day!" after a Joe Burrow sack/fumble:
  UT: Who is this song even for nowadays? I don't know.

NFL Week Two (2022)

• Tree is praising the Chargers on how they'll be able to regain the lead after reaching the one yard line, only for Justin Herbert to throw a pick 6.
  UT: Vintage fucking Chargers. This is why I never have any hope for them to break out of their curse. Because when they have the chance to, they hurt themselves in confusion.
• Tree's description of the Giants vs Panthers game:
  UT: We have entered Hell. The Giant's aren't complete ass. Somewhere the devil is hosting a boat party and we're all invited.
• When the Browns are up 30-17 against the Jets, Tree talks about how they aren't pathetic enough to lose, only for the Jets to come back and win
• When the Broncos finally score a touchdown against the Texans, Tree calls it their greatest accomplishment in franchise history
  Caption: THE KEY IS TO APPARENTLY SCORE FROM OUTSIDE THE 20-YARD LINE
• Once the Rams go up 28-3, Tree reacts with horror that they've reached the cursed lead:
  UT: Do these fools not realize the dangers of what they've just unleashed upon the world? Everyone knows that a 28 to 3 lead means certain death for a franchise. It doesn't matter if they're playing the team that unleashed this hex it affects the perpetrator all the same. It's incredible. The Atlanta Falcons, the incredible chokers that they are, have a chance to end the horrible narratives. They are coming back from the deficit they made famous. The NFL world is rooting for them. They've whittled the lead down to one score. It will be the ultimate redemption for years of perpetual failure. let us hope that it will be so.
  (Jalen Ramsey intercepts the ball in the endzone, ending the Falcons chance at a comeback.)
  UT: I forgot this is Atlanta.

NFL Week Three (2022)

• Tree's description of the Steelers this week:
  UT: You're playing the Steelers without TJ Watt. This rendition is puke held back by stubbornness and tradition.
• Tree calls Carson Wentz's performance bringing endless joy to the Eagles.
• Tree's description of the Texans vs Bears game as an unofficial Tank Bowl.
• Tree says that the Patriots loss to the Ravens bringing them to 1-2 is not the worst case scenario. Until Mac Jones' injury report is shown, and then he says it is.
• The Lions are up by 3 with just over a minute left, and Tree wants them to finish the Vikings off. Instead they go for a field goal and miss wide right:
  Caption: YOU CAN END THE GAME WITH A FIRST DOWN, DAN.
  UT: Really? This is how you want to be taken seriously? Assert yourself for once!
  (Vikings score a touchdown and gain the lead)
  Caption: YOU COULD'VE ENDED THE GAME WITH A FIRST DOWN, DAN.
  UT:' No not like that! You were supposed to overcome shitty play calling, not reinforce it! Oh, if only this team had a defense to hold leads properly. The new question I'm asking: Are the Vikings going to end with 3 wins or 13? ^{Spoiler alert} The Vikings ended up finishing the season 13-4, making this Hilarious in Hindsight
• The "Butt Punt" from the Dolphins vs Bills game brings Tree immense joy.
  UT (as holy music plays): Eureka! We have found the ultimate meme! Butt punt! The modern meme play for a modern world!
• After the Falcons manage to not blow a 27-23 lead, Tree gives them small praise and tells them to get through the baby steps first in order to fully recover.
• The Buccaneers getting a delay of game on the 2-point conversion attempt to tie the game utterly baffles Tree.
• Tree uses some rather goofy music for the Niners and Broncos game, switching to the Benny Hill theme partway through as he rants about the ineptitude on offense the game had to offer.
  • At one point, the Broncos need to do the one thing they'd failed to do until now: Score a touchdown in the red zone!
    Caption: THE HORROR!
    (The Broncos manage to do just that as Ode to Joy plays)
    UT: Oh my God Denver! YOU DID IT! You scored a touchdown! In the Red Zone! This is the most glorious miracle your franchise has ever received! Another ridiculously ugly win to bring your team to a tie for the division lead!
• For Lolcow of the Week, Tree had plenty of good candidates, including the Dolphins' Butt Punt and Jimmy Garoppolo pulling a Dan Orlovsky. He instead turned to college football where Appalachian State played James Madison and pulled themselves into a lead of... 28-3. They wind up losing as James Madison proceeded to score an unanswered 29 points.
  UT: A truly stark warning to all those that ignore the prophecy of the choking falcon, and a worthy recipient of Lolcow of the Week. Butt Punt and Jimmy G were very close though.

NFL Week Four (2022)

• After the Saints kick a 60 yard field goal to tie the game against the Vikings at 25 apiece, Tree has this to say:
  UT: Welcome to the NFL, where the insane is normalized.
  • After the Vikings make a 47-yarder in return:
  UT: The Vikings can make clutch field goals? We truly are in the end times.
  • And then after the Saints lose on a Double Doink from 61 yards out:
  UT: What do you call a double doinkening? A Welshman? I'm honestly impressed with Lutz. Dude did all of that from 60 yards out. I don't care if the Saints lost, put that ball in Canton. Cody Parkey, you have company for once.
• The Titans vs Colts game has Tree begging the aforementioned team to just finish off their opponents as the Colts trim the deficit against them to one score.
• After the Bears vs Giants game, Tree calls the Giants the worst 3-1 team to ever exist.
• Tree calls the Falcons adjusting their offensive attack against the Browns something unprecedented.
• Tree describes Zack Wilson's performance as trying to be the white Lamargarine.
• After endless bitching from Steelers fans across the country, they finally put in their new 1st round QB pick Kenny Pickett in the third quarter against the Jets.
  UT: But then, a miracle; Kenny Pickett is in the game! Bless the football gods, for they have given this game actual purpose! Go and sling the ball down the field for glorious- (Kenny Pickett immediately throws an interception after Chase Claypool unwittingly deflected that pass in his attempt to catch it) OH, MOTHERFU-!
  • As Tree muses about whether the Steelers really do play down to the competition or just suck ass, the Days of Our Steelers title card slowly fades in, prompting this response:
  UT: Shut the fuck up.
• Tree describes the Cardinals vs Panthers game as "two absolute morons thinking they're experts in Jujitsu flailing around like it's interpretive dance".
• Tree talks about how a devastating storm tore its way through Tampa Bay, ruining possessions, property, and life itself, causing widespread relentless destruction in the process.
  UT: I'm of course talking about the Kansas City Chiefs. There was also a pesky hurricane that went through the Tampa Bay area as well.

Indianapolis Colts vs. Denver Broncos (October 6, 2022) - The Greatest Game

• The Week 5 Sunday games have not even been played yet, and Thursday Night Football just had to inflict a Greatest Game already. Tree expressed his disbelief:
  UT: Another Greatest Game? For fuck's sake, don't these teams realize I still have to do an NHL season vid? I don't want to talk about the shitty Colts!
  Caption: IDK IF ANYONE DOES, TO BE FAIR
  UT: Then again I can mock low-hanging fruit in Nathaniel Hackett...
• Tree describes the Broncos attempts at scoring in the redzone "as successful as discourse between political parties".
• Tree begs Chase McLaughlin to miss what ended up being the 9-9 field goal, so after he does, Tree has this to say:
  UT: Fuck! I don't want overtime in this shitty game! It's like Thursday Night Football itself, nobody asked for this shit! Even the Broncos fans are leaving in droves. Hell, I don't blame them, they've got work in the morning. I'd call in sick if I went to this game.

NFL Week Five (2022)

• Tree didn't see the need to elaborate on Colts-Broncos, giving it Lolcow of the Week on the spot. He pointed out that Amazon spent a lot of money on Thursday Night Football, and that this game proves Brady's statement - that the football being played is terrible - correct.
• Tree compares the Steelers expensive defense to buying a bunch of NFTs.
  • As he muses about how 1-7 is a real possibility for the Steelers, the Days of Our Steeler title card fades in.
  UT: It's not happening, goddammit.
  Caption: EDITORS NOTE: YES IT IS
• Tree's general reaction to the Jets beating the Dolphins, bringing both teams to a 3-2 record:
  UT: We are officially in a parallel universe. Both these teams are above 0.500 for the first time in a decade. The New York Jets are a respectable opponent. Inflation is rampant, nobody can buy a house for a reasonable price. But this is the shit that's made me realize the world's gone insane. As punishment for this embarrassing loss, the Dolphins will have to watch Macgruber on the plane ride home.
• Tree describes the Texans as competent as a Kardashian analyzing quantum physics.
• Tree describes the Saints vs Seahawks game as the ideal battle of mid.
• With the fallout of the Tua Tagovailoa situation when he was back on the field after displaying signs of a concussion, the NFL had decided to up their concussion protocols, but arguably went overboard with the roughing the passer calls. Already this week there were two egregious cases.
  • During the Falcons-Buccaneers game, the former were on the verge of making a defensive stop and making a comeback with a few minutes left in the game when:
    UT: If they stop the Bucs on this third down, reality c- [musical stinger as Grady Jarrett sacks Tom Brady with a rolling tackle]
    Caption: MISTAKES WERE MADE
    UT: Oh my God. Did you see what Grady Jarrett just did? HE TOUCHED TOM BRADY! HOW DARE HE TACKLE SOMEONE IN THE CURRENT YEAR! He violently threw him to the ground without massaging him in the cock and tucking him in the bed! This is elder abuse!
    Caption: GRADY JARRETT, EXPECT A $15K FINE FOR TRYING TO DO YOUR JOB
    UT: Think of the children that have to watch such a heinous display! [flags start appearing onscreen, each time heralded with a ref's whistle] ALL OF THE FLAGS ON THE FIELD! ROUGHING THE PASSER! ROUGHING THE PASSERRRRRR!
• He then states that Atlanta’s fine will be trading star LB Deion Jones to the Browns for a 2024 6th round pick.
  • And then in the Raiders-Chiefs game which as it were is marred by accusations of terrible officiating on both sides:
    UT: [over Chris Jones stripping the ball away while sacking Derek Carr] Even the defense is coming in clutch with a strip-sack for a huge fumble recovery. Ohhh, wait a second Chris! You put too much weight on the quarterback and failed to read him a bedtime story during the sack.
    Caption: HE ALSO FAILED TO TICKLE HIS BALLS WHEN FALLING TO THE GROUND
    UT: That's roughing the passer! What a bunch of horse dung! What do you want Chris Jones to do in that situation?
    Caption: [over a furious Andy Reid] ANDY REID SWITCHING BURGER MEAT FROM COW TO ZEBRA
    UT: Just hug him and give him a kiss on the forehead?
• Tree calls the Titans vs Commanders game as what would happen if an unstoppable force met an immovable object, where the Unstoppable Force is the Titans trying to hand other teams the win, while the immovable object is the Washington franchise.

NFL Week Six (2022)

• The first Tank Bowl of the season is the Thursday Night game between the Commanders and the Bears, and the first thing Tree has to say is this:
  UT: I want my three hours back.
• Tree calls the Falcons smothering the Niners defense "hitting them with an uno reverse card".
• Tree says he'll cheer if the Falcons win the division for the meltdowns it'd cause.
• Tree is rather incredulous at the fact that the Steelers managed to beat the Buccaneers despite all their injuries. The win also means that he doesn't have to do a Days of Our Steelers segment, which he's elated by.
• Tree describes the Colts' winning record as something unthinkable.
• Tree's reaction to the Broncos vs Chargers game:
  UT: Oh God. We have to watch Russ cook up a disease ridden soufflé on primetime yet again.

NFL Week Seven (2022)

• The Packers losing to the Commanders brings Tree immense joy and laughter.

NFL Week Eight (2022)

• Despite Tree's best efforts to contain it, after weeks of teasing, Days of Our Steelers returns after the loss to the Eagles (though as a segment of the video instead of on its own). It starts with someone seemingly breaking into his house and forcing him to do it.

Carolina Panthers vs Atlanta Falcons (October 30, 2022) - The Greatest Game

• Tree is clearly annoyed at the fact that this NFL season is so chaotic that he has to do a third one already, even saying that it's starting to make the title "The Greatest Game" lose its luster.
• After Pineiro misses a 33 yard field goal that would have given the Panthers the win in overtime, Tree has this to say:
  UT: We're in a vintage choke-off! Who wants to win? Certainly not anyone watching this!

NFL Week Nine (2022)

• The Chargers vs Falcons game infuriates Tree so much that he outright leaves just before the game winning field goal is kicked.
• The Packers losing to the Lions gets them declared Lolcow of the Week.
• A second Days of Our Steelers episode, this time however, when the segment ends, a second Tree comes up to the microphone, begging for help as he states he's being held against his will, only for the other Tree to shoot him.

NFL Week Ten (2022)

• The Bills vs Vikings game was so crazy Tree has to separate the video for it, which he says is further testament that the season is going to kill him.
• Tree, growing frustrated by the Raiders losing to Jeff Saturday led Colts (especially since he declared Saturday's hiring to be just a Yes-Man to Rob Irsay), states the franchise should be contracted if they lost. Naturally, they do, leading to Tree to silently declare the Raiders to be LOL Cow of the Week as he begins laughing in obvious derision, with a tweet by Saturday from earlier in the season (when he was still an analyst for ESPN) declaring the Raiders to be horrible fades in.
• After Quez Watkins fumbles against the Commanders giving them the ball back while the Eagles are down 26-21, Tree has this to say:
  UT: Jesus, man just lie down and fight another day. No need to play hero ball when you're playing Washington.
  Caption: UNDEFEATED AND STRUGGLING AGAINST WASHINGTON? PITTSBURGH SAYS HI.
  UT: With Philly about to get the ball back this can't get anymore embarrassing for them, right?
  [Heinicke takes a knee and then gets hit by two Eagles players, drawing a penalty]
  UT: An undefeated season in the balance, and you're going to end the game like THAT?

Minnesota Vikings vs. Buffalo Bills (November 13, 2022) - The Greatest Game

• The video opens with Tree being annoyed that he has to do this:
  UT: No, I told you guys I want to pursue other projects. We don't need to dilute the YouTube pool with more meaningless shit. Think about quality. The channel's falling off with all this garbage. Then again that would imply this channel wasn't garbage to begin with.

• After the Vikings fail on a 4th and goal from within the one with less than a minute left, Tree has this to say:
  UT: Oh well. GG Vikings. It was a good effort, but like all things in your franchise's history you must be the eternal bridesmaid. Buffalo begins their celebration as victory is all but assured. The Twitter posts, the posturing, the victory lap. It's a win they nearly pissed away but a win nonetheless. They may be at the half yard line, but this game's over. We'll see you next week on 'This league's gonna fucking kill me'.
  [the Bills fumble on the QB sneak, and the Vikings score a touchdown as a result]
  UT: What the fuck just happened? I really need to stop drinking. A botched snap, ball goes off the centers thigh, and Eric Kendricks pounces on it for a Vikings touchdown. Do you believe in fucking miracles? You better now!

NFL Week Twelve (2022)

• Tree shows he's still salty about the Jesse James non-catch fiasco from 2017 when the same thing happens to the Patriots in their game against the Vikings.
  UT: How's it feel New England? Jesse James caught that ball and you know it!
  Caption: THE SALT IS VERY REAL
  UT: Fuck you fuck you fuck youfuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufu- (screen cuts to a Technical Difficulties still from The Simpsons)

NFL Week Fifteen (2022)

• Tree is so dumbfounded by the Vikings vs Colts game that he gives it Lolcow of the Week and has to split it off into its own video.
• Tree's reaction to the ending of the Patriots vs Raiders game, where the ball gets lateralled backwards twice before the Raiders pick it up and run it in for a touchdown:
  UT: Excuse me. What. The fuck. What the fuck. What the actual fuck? I am having an aneurysm even trying to comprehend what this even...was. Rhamondre [Stevenson] has a chance to speed back the edge so he laterals it back, to a player who runs backwards 10 yards, and then yeets the ball back another 10 yards... to a defender. There was no need to do this! You were tied! You had overtime! Mac Jones got shut like a toy chest for literally no reason. America as a whole lost entire sections of the collective cerebrum watching this play. We talk about cancel culture? The Patriots should be cancelled for offending our senses of common logic and decency. This is the kind of shit that has people believe the league is rigged for ratings. Conglaturation, Patriots, you have your answer to the Butt Fumble! Imagine giving the Raiders of all teams a lucky win.
  • This failure of a play gets the Patriots labeled the second Lolcow of the Week.

Indianapolis Colts vs Minnesota Vikings (December 17, 2022) - The Greatest Game

• The video starts with Tree singing Ain't No Rest For the Wicked before cutting to the Greatest Game title card with a scream.
• After the title card, Tree laments that it wasn't even a month before he had to make another one of these vids.

2023 NFL Season

In General

• Eliminations are expressed with execution scenes from various video games, television series and movies. All of them are here for your viewing pleasure.
  • Carolina Panthers (Week 13): Logo added as the severed head in the guillotine scene from Assassin's Creed: Unity
  • New England Patriots (Week 14): Logo on a Bosniak partisan being executed by firing squad in Command & Conquer: Red Alert
  • New York Jets (Week 15): Reptile being uppercutted into The Pit in Mortal Kombat II
  • Tennessee Titans (Week 15): Ned Stark being beheaded by sword in Game of Thrones
  • Washington Commanders (Week 15): A UN negotiator being assassinated in X-COM: UFO Defense
  • Arizona Cardinals (Week 15): Aerith being murdered in the original Final Fantasy VII. Goes into Fridge Brilliance when you think about the teams and the characters in question.
    Random YouTuber: Aerith-zona getting eliminated by SFeroth was poetic.
  • Los Angeles Chargers (Week 16): Skull Face getting killed by Huey Emmerich in Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, with Huey representing the city of San Diego
  • New York Giants (Week 16): Tommy DeVito (no, not that one) getting whacked in Goodfellas
  • Chicago Bears (Week 17): Mr. French committing suicide in a burning car in The Departed.
  • Las Vegas Raiders (Week 17): Lucien D'Alessio being executed by Jimmy Darmody (representing the NFL) in Boardwalk Empire.
  • Denver Broncos (Week 17): The O'Doyle family car going into the ravine in Billy Madison, with Russell Wilson's "Lets Ride" replacing the "O'Doyle's rule!" chant.
  • Cincinnati Bengals (Week 17): Niko Bellic killing Darko Brevic in Grand Theft Auto IV.
  • Minnesota Vikings (Week 18): Boris being frozen to death by nitrogen tanks at the end of GoldenEye.
  • Seattle Seahawks (Week 18): Beni getting consumed by scarabs at the end of The Mummy (1999).
  • Atlanta Falcons (Week 18): Donald Gennaro being eaten by the Tyrannosaurus Rex in Jurassic Park.
  • New Orleans Saints (Week 18): Someone getting backstabbed by an assassin (representing the NFL) in Medieval II: Total War.
  • Indianapolis Colts (Week 18): Ali Abdul getting killed after losing the marbles game in Squid Game.
  • Jacksonville Jaguars (Week 18): Someone getting backstabbed by an assassin (representing the NFL) in Medieval II: Total War.
• Conversely, playoff clinches are celebrated with a Domination victory cinematic of Civilization IV, with a flag being planted and the entire planet being engulfed by an aura with the clinching team's logo fading in on top of the aura.

NFL Week Three Edition (2023)

• While talking about the game between the Colts and Ravens, Colts quarterback Gardner Minshew does something that has only been done twice since 2008.
  UT: Indy has the ball at their own goal line, but...
  [Minshew drops back to pass and inadvertently taps his foot out of bounds at the back of the endzone, resulting in a safety. This move is accompanied by the "!" noise from Metal Gear Solid as music from the game begins to play]
  UT: Oh, no, Gardner, what have you done?! You pulled an Orlovsky?! Don't look into the eyes of hell, Gardner! [accompanied by Michael Scott's Big "NO!"] GAAAAAAARDNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRR!

NFL Week Twelve Edition (2023)

• The Eagleland simile for Washington @ Dallas:
  UT: America's Team crushing Commies like it's a thinly-veiled propaganda flick from the '80s. Is it more of a Rambo II or a Red Dawn?

NFL Week Fourteen Edition (2023)

• For the first time, Tree granted not one, not two, but three Lolcow of the Week dishonors:
  • The first one was the game between the Vikings and Raiders, which ended in a pathetic 3-0 in the former's favor, and given that it's played at the enclosed Allegiant Stadium, there are no external factors that excuse this ineptitude, so much so that it warranted its own video.
  • The second was given to Kadarius Toney for what happened during the Chiefs' home game against the Bills when Toney was already in a state of freefall on and off the field leading up to this. With less than a minute and a half to go and only needing to score a field goal to at least force overtime, Patrick Mahomes completed a pass to Travis Kelce, who then lateraled it to Toney who raced untouched into the endzone. It was all for naught, since at the snap, Toney was lined up a foot and a half past the line of scrimmage.
    UT: Kadarius Toney loves ruining the Chiefs' ambitions, doesn't he? You'd think for all the smack he's been talking to Giants fans, he'd want to back up his claims?
    Caption: What you are hearing are the screams of joy from New York
    UT: He's merely offsides? Dude's so past the line he's in fucking Kansas!
    Caption: I lied. He might be in Colorado.
    UT: Good going dumbass, you just cost your team the game again! And he's more than earned a co-share of Lolcow of the Week. Do you know how hard that was to do in this stretch? Patrick Mahomes wants heads delivered to him on a spike! Spoiler alert: it's not the refs he should be after.
    Caption: So what about that in-bounds hit on him that was penalized last week?
    UT: If I'm a Chiefs wide receiver I'm running for my damn life and living under an assumed name. Their stone hands and brains have allowed the Bills to save their season in a situation they've never won in before. [accompanied by the sound of a baby crying and headlines about the Chiefs complaining about the penalty] We're seeing a team melt down in real time! The bitching and moaning continues into the night. For a blatantly obvious penalty that nearly everyone agrees was justified!
    Caption: [accompanied by a tweet pointing out how obvious the penalty was, even to the point of blocking the officials' view] Quite a whirlwind week for him
    UT: Even the refs said Kadarius was in Colorado! Their ascension to the new Patriots of the NFL are complete. We need some Camembert and Roquefort to go with this whine.
  • And for the third... well, to set this up, there were two Monday Night Football games, Packers-Giants and Titans-Dolphins. Tree went back and forth between the two games, first watching the former two teams being inept, then cutting off at halftime brought up the other shitshow. The Dolphins lost a good deal of their starting offensive linemen, as well as wide receiver Tyreek Hill to injuries. Even then the Dolphins got themselves into a comfortable two-score lead with five minutes remaining that it might as well be over, prompting Tree to switch back to the Packers-Giants game where the Packers fell apart against a team they should have beaten. Tree then sees the rest of the latter game, seeing the Dolphins not only lose that lead, but wind up losing. Given that not a single team had won with a 14 point deficit with under three minutes to go (in a staggering 767 times) since 2016, the Dolphins earned the distinction as the third Lolcow of the Week.
    UT: [Beat just after declaring the 49ers playoff eligible in the aftermath of Packers-Giants] So.... why aren't we moving to the playoff roundup? Did I miss something in the chaos? [a musical stinger plays as we fade in to Titans QB Will Levis successfully passing to Chigoziem Okonkwo to get a critical first down with less than four minutes remaining] Oh no!

NFL Week Fifteen Edition (2023)

• The Chargers-Raiders recap is simply Brandon Staley^note Who would be fired by the Chargers the very next day giving a rather apologetic post-game interview, interspersed with the Raiders laying on a 63-21 clinic. And for the match-up intro, the Chargers had been referred to as Fuck you, Spanos.

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