Funny / Urinating Tree – This Week in Sportsball (NFL 1)

2017 NFL Season

NFL Week Three

• When he gets to the Eagles facing the Giants, he sees how badly the latter are doing as they get shut out until the fourth quarter and take the lead. Buuuuut...
  UT: And the Giants are getting their shit kicked in by a divison rival with the same problem that plagued them in past weeks. Just get this game over with so you can call for McAdoo's head again! [cut to fourth quarter as the Giants score a touchdown...] ...So you're telling me that the Giants can actually score points on offense now? [...and then to them being down 14-7 before scoring another...] They've come back in the fourth quarter to take the lead? Sure, they blew that lead [...and then to the score tied at 24 with Jake Elliot about to attempt a 61-yard field goal with 1 second left in regulation.], but it's gonna take a miracle for this game not to go to OT!
  [The field goal attempt is successful, making the final score 27-24 Eagles.]
  UT: Holy fucking shit, what a finish. [Headline: Sterling Shepard calls out Giants-Eagles catch double standard] Maybe now we can actually figure out what the fuck a catch is in this godforsaken league! Sorry Giants, you got screwed.

NFL Week Four

• After the Falcons choke a game away to the Buffalo Bills:
  UT: Look mommy, I'm a Falcon! [choking noises]

NFL Week Five

• With two teams that have gone winless so far in the Chargers and the Giants, Tree wonders who will botch things up worse in this one.
  UT: So who the hell thought this match would be against winless teams at the start of the year? Whose magic will allow them to fuck up more? The unmitigated disaster of the home game-less Chargers, or a Giants team that doesn't have enough liquor in the world to ail their woes? Let's see who fate decides to take a shit on today. [headlines of Odell Beckham Jr., Brandon Marshall, Dwayne Harris and Sterling Shepard being injured, the former three out for the season] Holy fuck, football gods! I know OBJ pissed you off, but to take out the Giants' ENTIRE receiving core?! Isn't losing to the Chargers enough suffering?! It's been in typical Giants style as of late to rip their fans' hearts out in ridiculous fashion; and this game just upped the goddamn ante ten-fold. FUCK YOU, Spanos.

NFL Week Six

• Seeing as the Chargers have lost their first two games both thanks to unsuccessful field goal attempts at the very end of the game, he anticipates the same happening here as they are down by two. And yet, they make the field goal for the win.
  UT: [ethereal music plays] Oh my god, they actually made a field goal at the end of a game. Everything I have known has been a lie. The Chargers didn't kick their six fans in the dick again. Fuck you, Spanos.
  • And adding further to it is how calmly and nonchalantly he says those three words.

NFL Week Eleven

• The Redskins are holding well against the Saints, mounting a 15-point lead 90% of the way through the game. Surely things look promising, right?
  UT: Well done, Redskins. You are on the brink of upsetting one of the NFC's top teams in the Saints and asserting yourselves as playoff contenders again. Samaje Perine has filled in nicely as running back and the defense has put that potent New Orleans offense in check. Time to watch the world burn again!
  [cue the clip from Groundhog Day of Phil Connors' alarm clock going off at 6 am to the sound of Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe"]
  UT: ...As Washington sports reinforces its choking stereotype. Tonight's serving, a blown 15-point lead with less than three minutes to go. Seriously, does anyone on the Redskins know how to make a fucking tackle. The Saints marched all over the Redskins as they blew yet another lead too early! The Saints add to their strong winning streak and show the world their might. At this rate, it only feels like Schadenfreude because of how this organization is run. [Headline: Update: Redskins confirm Chris Thompson out for season] And have yourselves another Theismann-like injury to a running-back-esque conglaturation. [cut to Will Lutz kicking the game-winning field goal] Fuck Dan Snyder and the money-making horse he sewed everyone on! [Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!!!"]
• The Bills have been humiliated two weeks running,^note Torched 34-21 by the Jets in New York in Week 9, eviscerated 47-10 at home by the Saints in Week 10. but have a "home away from home" game against the Chargers in Los Angeles to right the ship. A change to the team roster backfires spectacularly:
  UT: So Buffalo is on an alarming stretch where they were massacred in their last two games. The problem for the Bills is simple: Tyrod Taylor. It's time for the perennial fucking over of Tyrod as he's benched for fifth round pick Nathan Peterman. [Headline: "Bills to start Nathan Peterman, bench Tyrod Taylor"] It may be kneejerk, you say, [Caption: It had nothing to do with Pegula's meddling, we swear] but they're playing the Chargers. Easy test for Nathan, he only threw three incompletions!... Five of those completions went to the opposition. In the first half. Sean McDermott and his brilliant tactics made the league's black sheep look like the '85 Bears. Also doesn't help that the receivers can't fucking catch. That blameless defence was also shredded by LA as well, being completely blown the fuck out yet again and making it quite obvious that their biggest problem was indeed Tyrod Taylor. For those of you keeping track at home, they have now given up 135 points in three games, truly going full Pegula. The decision to bench Tyrod was such a brilliant move that they put him back in the game in the second half! [laughs uproariously]
  Headline: BILLS BENCH PETERMAN FOR TYROD TAYLOR AFTER 5-INT HALF
  Simpsons anchor: [points at screen] You stupid...! [trails off laughing]
  UT: FUCK YOU, Spanos.

NFL Week Twelve

• The Double Subversion of "Fuck You, Spanos!". After the Chargers/Cowboys game, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is given the "fuck you", and the rest of the video plays out as normal... until the Lolcow of The Week, a clip of Chargers punter Drew Kaser missing the kicking net from three feet away, at which point:
  I'm putting this here for three simple words: FUCK YOU SPANOS!

NFL Week Thirteen

• The Chiefs go Full Reid against, of all teams, the Buttfumble:
  UT: Panic mode has set in for the Chiefs. They are desperately throwing everything they've got to right this ship. Andy Reid has finally given up play-calling duties in favor of a timeshare (sharing duties with Chiefs OC Matt Nagy) and Kansas City has summoned a old relic in Darelle Revis to bolster the D. The first item has worked. The Chiefs' offense has returned to form against the Jets. Alex Smith is balling again and Tyreek Hill is humming along as usual. Unfortunately, the defense decided to self immolate like Quang Duc. This is a team that has absolutely lost all direction and fell apart to a sneakily good offense in the Jets. They strangled them in the time of possession game and the Chiefs could do nothing. The final drive simply a total collapse for the ages. But there's at least still a chance.
  [Alex Smith throws an incomplete pass on 4th and 6 from the New York Jets' 19, with 46 seconds to go. Sirens sound as the pass slides over the Jets' defenders.]
  UT: Oh my god, Jesus, they lost to the Jets.
  [A clip from The Naked Gun of Lt. Frank Drebin in front of the exploding fireworks factory, with the Chiefs' logo over Drebin's head]
  Chiefs!Drebin: Nothing to see here, please disperse! Nothing to see here!
  Billy Madison: You blew it!
• A possible turning point in the Derp Era for the NFC half of MetLife Stadium?
  UT: [over footage of the Giants slumping to 2-10 thanks to a 24-17 loss in Oakland] It has happened. McAdoo has won a power struggle and finally threw Eli off of a cliff for shit that isn't his fault. Manning has officially been benched by the Giants for...
  Headline: GIANTS TO BENCH ELI MANNING, START GENO SMITH AGAINST THE RAIDERS
  UT: ... Geno Smith. Fucking really, man? You want to give your team the best chance to win and you're starting Geno?! For fuck's sake, the Jets could have told you how terrible he is! You can't say with a straight face that he is a better option. Were you not paying attention to them when they were in MetLife? I get if you want to start Davis Webb a few weeks down the road. See what you've got in him. But what the hell is there to see in this, it's Geno Smith, he fucking sucks! Dude couldn't make a good decision if you bribed him with candy on the sidelines! The Raiders thank you for your ineptitude, as their victory allows them back into the AFC West picture. Fortunately, the Giants had enough of this shit as Ben McAdouche and Jerry Reese were derped off of the George Washington Bridge for gross incompetence.
  Headline: [over children cheering] GIANTS FIRE COACH BEN MCADOO AND GENERAL MANAGER JERRY REESE
  UT: Personally, it took too goddamn long to do. The team is now in shatters and looking right in the face of a steep rebuild. Complete disaster of a tenure.
  Caption: KINDA WANTED TO SEE THE G-MEN FALL APART MORE, THOUGH

NFL Week Fourteen

• On the Eagles clenching the NFC East:
  UT: [The Eagles] claim the NFC East crown and have locked in a date for postseason football again. However this was Pyrrhic Victory, as it comes at a staggering cost... [Sickening "Crunch!" accompanying a headling of QB Carson Wentz tearing his ACL and being out for the year] of Carson Wentz. ["Taps" plays; cut-in of Nancy Kerrigan being treated by paramedics and wailing out "WHY ME?!" in the wake of being assaulted by Tonya Harding with a tire iron] It's official; there is no god. [(A "PHILADELPHIA RIGHT NOW" caption appears next to the cut-in] His Messiah has fallen. We are all fucked.
• In response to the Chargers being decent, Tree decides to take a new approach on the Once an Episode gag:
  UT: PUTA MADRE, SPANOS!

NFL Week Fifteen

• When it looks like the Steelers are going to beat the Patriots, UT marks the fuck out. His ecstasy is short-lived...
  [Tom Brady completes the first of three consecutive passes to Rob Gronkowski for a total gain of 69 yards, followed by Dion Lewis running the last 8 yards for a touchdown to put the Patriots ahead 27-24 with 56 seconds to go in the fourth quarter]
  UT: [sighing] Oh, great, the Steelers can't cover Gronk at all and are going to lose to New England again. God damn it, I was getting interested to see if they could pull it off. I can't bear to watch this happen, just roll over and die already. [the Steelers' JuJu Smith-Schuster runs 69 yards to New England's 10-yard line with 34 seconds left] Wait a minute... they're going to do it! [getting more and more excited] They're going to beat New England! I honestly hadn't prepared for this at all. All of the cynicism was for nothing. They're actually going to fucking do it! [as Ben Roethlisberger throws a 10-yard touchdown pass to Jesse James] Holy shit! It's going to happen! THEY'RE GOING! HE CAUGHT IT- [James grabs the ball out of the air and puts it down in the end zone]^note Notice the lack of the word "catch" in that description; this will be important later. OH MY GOD! THEY GOT THE TOUCHDOWN! THEY DID IT! THE STEELERS ARE GOING TO THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL! IN YOUR FACE, YOU FUCKING CHEATRIOTS!... [lapses into incoherent raving]
  Caption: [as the screen shakes and turns red while a siren goes off] YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  Phoenix Wright: HOLD IT!
  Referee: After reviewing the play, the receiver in the end zone did not survive the ground. It's an incomplete pass.
  Jim Nance: Oh NO!
  UT: What!? WHAT!!! WHAT IS THIS FUCKING DEBAUCHERY! ALL OF THIS TIME AND YOU STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A FUCKING CATCH IS ANYMORE IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN LEAGUE!
  Caption: [over slow-motion footage of the incomplete pass] TECHNICALLY IT'S THE CORRECT CALL, BUT IT'S A TERRIBLE RULE. GET RID OF IT.
  [test pattern, then back to the game]
  UT: Okay, fine. That was bullshit, but there's still a chance to- [Roethlisberger passes to Darrius Heyward-Bey for a 3-yard gain] why aren't you going for the field goal?
  Caption: SERIOUSLY, WHY DIDN'T THEY GO FOR THE FIELD GOAL?
  UT: Why is this play completely broke- [with 9 seconds left on the clock, Roethlisberger tries to pass to Eli Rogers in the end zone, but the ball is intercepted by the Patriots' Duron Harmon, punctuated by the Engineer's "NOPE!"] OH MY FUCKING GOD! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK! THIS IS SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT! THE FUCKING PATRIOTS... [dissolves into Angrish]
  Caption: ANOTHER GREAT GAME RUINED BY NFL REGULATIONS
  HOPE YOU'RE PROUD OF A CATCH CHANGING FROM WEEK TO WEEK
  [under an NFL logo] CONGLATURATION!
• The Tennessee Titans have the misfortune to be the losers in the next game in the video, so Tree lets them have it with a savage "The Reason You Suck" Speech:
  UT: I am still really goddamn pissed at the events that have previously occurred. Titans, you get the privilege of my unadulterated rage. Your team is absolutely pathetic. The fact that you are still in playoff contention makes me physically ill. Your offence is anaemic, your defence is substandard, your head coach is about ten IQ points away from being football retarded, Mariota can't throw the fucking football anymore, your running game is going nowhere, your team fucking sucks a bag of chunks, and you're going to get completely annihilated if you actually make it to the postseason. Go fuck yourselves, you worthless sacks of shit, and take the full load of losing to the goddamn 49ers like the useless piss stains that you are. [as the clock runs out, 49ers kicker Robbie Gould kicks the game-winning field goal] Even in Hell, you're still one yard short.
  Caption: JIMMY G LOOKS PROMISING, THOUGH
• He reminded us just how...off his picks for the NFC were earlier in the year.
  UT: Please do not attempt to look up my playoff predictions from earlier in the year. You will die of laughter.^note His picks for the NFC East, North, South, and West, respectively were: the NY Giants, the Packers, the Falcons, and the Seahawks, while the Wild Card spots were the Buccaneers and Cowboys. The Giants went 3-13 which was the worst record in the NFC and the division was won by eventual Super Bowl champions, the Eagles; the Vikings took the north, while Green Bay had a lackluster 7-9 record after Aaron Rodgers was outed for the season; the Saints won the South; the LA Rams won the West, while the Seahawks' 9-7 record wasn't enough to qualify them due to tie-breakers. The Carolina Panthers and Atlanta Falcons (both from the South) took the two Wild Card slots. So Tree only got one of his predictions right...and only gets half credit for it since he predicted the Falcons to take the division and not the Wild Card.

NFL Week Sixteen

• With their season on the line, the Cowboys host a Christmas Eve showing against the Seahawks, but things don't exactly go as they'd hoped:
  UT: Dallas, it turns out you have TWO gifts under the tree this year! First you have received overgrown Ewok Zeke Elliot back for a crucial playoff game. The Cowboys are feeding him the ball without prejudice. Which leads us to your second gift: it's a yearly calendar. With a guy choking as the picture for January. January came early for Jerryworld today! Prepare yourselves for one of our LOLCOWS OF THE WEEK! Let's begin with a fumble by Dez Bryant, when Dallas is driving and leads to a Seattle score. Follow this up with a terrible throw by Dak Prescott leading to an easy pick-six for the Seahawks. Throughout the game, Seattle was desperately trying to give you a win with an inept offense, but you swatted it away like Dikembe with more interceptions like this. [Caption: DEZ = ELITE] Then, it was the defense's turn. Desperately needing a stop, they allowed an offense stuck in quicksand to gain traction and willingly lied on the ground to get run over by them! Then the choking commenced. Dallas makes it to the red zone, only to be charged with the holding penalty and another sack. It became a gimme shot for the sure-footed Dan Bailey. ...And he misses a 34-yard field goal. [Caption: YOU SURE THIS GUY STILL ISN'T INJURED?] One desperation challenge by Jason Garrett later, they still have a chance. The Cowboys are charging and need two scores to get back into the game. Dan Bailey returns for revenge... [laughing as...] AND MISSES ANOTHER FIELD GOAL!!! [The Billy Madison "YOU BLEW IT!" clip appears four times] HOW'S ROGER GOODELL'S ASS TASTE, JERRY?! EAT THAT, PLAYOFF ELIMINATION ON THE SCOREBOARD, YOU FUCK! [the "YOU BLEW IT!" clip appears three times in unison]

NFL Week Seventeen

• Tree's pessimism on the Eagles' chances in the playoffs, while justified due to Nick Foles' poor performance in his quarter against the Cowboys and the Eagles being shut out by said team, is even funnier after the Eagles won that season's Super Bowl.
• It's time to celebrate for the Browns...
  UT: YOU DID IT, CLEVELAND! 0-16!!!!!!! [cue sounds of children cheering while fireworks and raining money play over footage of the end of Return of the Jedi, all set to Guile's theme] It's your greatest accomplishment since returning to the league. I'm So Proud of You guys. [headline of the Browns keeping Hue Jackson in spite of the futility] Wait, you're keeping Hue Jackson? This can't get any more laughable... [Thwomp sound accompanying headlines of the Browns' owner and their GM giving their votes of confidence, UT lets out riotous, derisive laughter]
• The Chargers end their season with a win over the Raiders, but even with a 9-7 record, they miss out on the playoffs due to the NFL's tiebreaking procedures.^note The Chargers would have needed a loss by the Chiefs to make the Wild Card. Tree is so happy that he breaks out in song:
  UT: [To the tune of Beethoven's Ode to Joy]
  Fuck you Spanos, fuck you Spanos
  Fuck you Spanos, in the ass
  "Fight for LA" is disastrous
  Be forced back to San Diego.
• His rant at the miracle end of the Ravens-Bengals game (a Hail Mary pass from Andy Dalton to Tyler Boyd on a 4th and 12 with less than a minute left gave the Bengals a 31-27 win), which ended the Bills' 17 year long playoff drought.
  UT: HOLY BUTT-FUCKING CHRIST! YOU FUCKING BLEW IT! You bungled this game so much that Marvin Lewis is cringing in disgust. Somewhere Art Modell's grave is being pissed on [Caption: REALLY? HOW DO YOU BLOW A 4TH AND 12 WITH PLAYOFFS ON THE LINE?] and Yinzers everywhere are jerking off to your failure. The Ravens were a shoo-in and they made Cincinnati's misery look like a bad day. This is where being in a division with Cleveland kills you. Baltimore has missed the playoffs via tie-breaker. [gunshot sound] Hey Mr. Harbaugh, perhaps instead of whining about the game time you can prepare your team to hold a fucking lead! Heads need to roll! The staff deserves the Gerard Gallant treatment, throw their asses under the street for this failure! It won't happen though, Baltimore is too "classy". Go fuck yourselves! Elite QB, my black ass! So if Baltimore is out, that means...oh my god, it happened. [Footage of the Bills players celebrating] The Bills have made the playoffs. The walking mediocrity will be playing postseason football for the first time in this millennium. We have witnessed history once again. Buffalo will have something to look forward to besides shit-loads of snow and broken tables. This is a special day. Bengals, you have done something good in this world for once. Now get yourselves a new coach and overhaul that- [Record Needle Scratch accompanying a headline of Marvin Lewis being given a two-year contract extension] You extended Marvin Lewis. [cue the dumpster fire GIF and the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme] You extended Marvin Lewis. I don't even need to mock this in any way, it does it to itself. THE BUNGLES EXTENDED MARVIN LEWIS!!! Can Mike Brown fucking die already?! Like, please, did he see the shitshow in Cleveland and get jealous of it? In what world does someone think that Marvin Lewis was doing a good job?! The Bungles got the last Bungle after all. Fuck this team!

2018 NFL Season

NFL Week One (2018 Season)

• One game into the 2018 NFL season and they're already showing reruns...
  [Jay Ajayi runs the last yard for a touchdown to give the Eagles a 10-6 lead over the Falcons]
  UT: The first game of the season begins with a flurry of ineffective offenses and total boredom - at least until the end of the game. Literally a carbon copy of the NFC Divisional Playoff fracas. Begin the redemption of Steve Sarkisian! [with the score 18-12 to Philadelphia, Matt Ryan passes to Mohamed Sanu for a 10-yard gain; the Falcons have a first down on the Eagles' 10-yard line with 23 seconds left. Sound of a beer can being opened and poured into a glass] I see. Time for a lesson in the drunken offense.
  Caption: ["Time's running out!" music] STEVE SARKISIAN'S DRUNKEN GOALLINE OFFENSE
  UT: [with captions echoing his first two sentences] Play one - five wideout set, incomplete pass. Play two - five wideout set, incomplete pass. Play three - yet another five wideout set, incomplete pass.
  Caption: PLAY THREE - GETTING REPETITIVE, ISN'T IT?
  UT: Play four - lather, rinse, and repeat with a five wideout set.
  Caption: PLAY FOUR - WHEN IN DOUBT, BASH YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE WALL
  UT: [but this time, the Eagles incur a 5-yard penalty, and the Falcons get another first down on the 5-yard line] You even got an extra play!
  Caption: [ding!] PLAY FIVE - PRAY JULIO MAKES AN IMPOSSIBLE PLAY
  UT: In which they go to a five wideout set and - yes - an incomplete pass. Conglaturation, you inebriated bastard, you've learned nothing. I just feel like this could have been avoided somehow. [flashback to the first quarter with the Falcons on a fourth down on the Eagles' 1-yard line; their run attempt results in a 1-yard loss] Fourth down on the goal line in the first quarter. Hmm...
  Vaas: Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity...
• With the Bills fresh from their first playoff appearance since the 1990s and a newly-drafted quarterback in their ranks, fan optimism is running high. Then they go to Baltimore...
  UT: I'm trying a new device on the site called the Buffalo Optimism Meter. [a Bills logo with the caption "Buffalo Optimism Meter" appears in the top left] May need to work out the kinks, like the Bills do, but it's safe for launch. So far fan optimism is at 100% ["100%" appears in the caption with a "ding!"] after returning to the playoffs and drafting the QB of the future. The Bills choose as their Week 1 starter... Nathan Peterman. [Headline: "Bills to start Nathan Peterman at quarterback against Ravens ahead of rookie Josh Allen"]
  Buffalo Optimism Meter: [fart noise] 60%
  UT: Don't worry, it's not going to be a shitshow like his start last year was...^note See "This Week in Sportsball: NFL Week Eleven" from 2017 for details. it's even worse.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter: [fart noise] 20%
  UT: The entire fucking offence grinds to a halt as Petermeme and his mediocre compatriots are foiled at every turn. 33 yards of total offence in the first half. [Headline: "Nathan Peterman had a quarterback rating of 0.0"] You know it's awful when your QB rating is absolute zero.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter: [fart noise] -20%
  UT: As for the D... skinned alive like a fish in the Chesapeake. Torched and charred by Jumbo Joe Flacco and the Checkdown Circus... 47 points' worth of it.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter: [fart noise] -90%
  UT: It goes so horribly that Petermeme is benched for first-round pick Josh Allen. [Headline: "Bills Bench Starting QB Nathan Peterman in Favor of Josh Allen Against Ravens"] It is a tremendous upgrade from "cataclysmically horrific" to "simply trash".
  Buffalo Optimism Meter: [ding!] -80%
  UT: This is when Bills fans realise their best QB... is still Andy Dalton.^note See "NFL Week Seventeen" from 2017 for an explanation of why Dalton is the Bills' best quarterback despite playing for the Bengals.
  Buffalol Optimism Meter: [scream of horror] MUSIC CITY MIRACLE [Shao Kahn laughs]
  UT: Perhaps trading A.J. McCarron to the Raiders wasn't such a good idea after all, huh.
• As the Saints host the Buccaneers, Tree's ability to jinx teams by forecasting success for them proves to be alive and well:
  UT: This shouldn't be too hard of a challenge for the Saints. They're up against the black sheep of the NFC South and are down their starting quarterback for crimes against Uber drivers.^note Winston was suspended for the first three games of the 2018 season for groping a female Uber driver in 2016. Their defence should be up to the task as the Buccaneers make a complete mockery of whatever the fuck their secondary was supposed to be [his tone gradually shifts to sickened disbelief] and the offence does their best to cough up the ball at every turn you fucking serious right now, Saints!? You do realise you gave up over 400 yards' passing to Fitzception. God damn it, this team has to be cursed. A golden opportunity for a win and you do that. The fuck could have caused this?
  [harp glissando as the screen shifts to black and white, with a ripple effect on the video]
  Caption: SEVERAL DAYS EARLIER ON NFL PREDICTION STREAM...
  [clip from a livestream hosted by Five Points Vids with Tree and ThatsGoodSports as guests, all giving their predictions for the 2018 NFL season; they are giving their picks for the NFC Championship Game winner, with TGS having picked the Rams]
  FPV: Mr. Tree.
  UT: Ooh. This is a tough one because there are a lot of high-end teams... I'm gonna go Saints.
  FPV: Ho-ly geez, wow! [enters the prediction into the spreadsheet] That's uh, some avant-garde shit right there.
  UT: This is their year to do it, this is it for them!^note He also picked them to win Super Bowl LIII.
  [back in the present, the Saints slump to a 48-40 loss]
  UT: That video is obviously fake news, I would never make such a statement about a football team I can't back up!
• In the season premiere of "Days of Our Steelers", Tree makes light of Le'Veon Bell's contract standoff and practice no-shows, which culminates in Pittsburgh ending the Browns' losing streak. With a tie rather than a loss, but this just allows for clips from the final scene of the Simpsons episode "Lisa on Ice", including Homer wailing "They're both losers! LOSERS!".
• The Jets start the season by demolishing the Lions 48-17 - but the game doesn't start well for them...
  UT: Meet the saviour of New York football in Sam Darnold! [on the first play of the game, Darnold throws a pass which is intercepted by the Lions' Quandre Diggs and run back 37 yards for a touchdown] Hold on, wrong footage, let's try this again.
  [Test Pattern]

NFL Week Three (2018)

• A miraculous event, not seen since Christmas Eve 2016...
  UT: Thursday Night Football games are much more exciting and competitive, the NFL tells us! As they serenade us with lullabies of good football, they slip in this damn roofie of Jets versus Browns. Such a wonderfully appalling game where both teams do their best to put us to sleep and the Jets coast to an early lead. But then... a miracle happened. The Jets, learning nothing from their escapades from Drew Bledsoe, butt-fumbled by injuring Tyrod Taylor. [Headline: "Browns' Tyrod Taylor knocked out of Jets game with concussion"] Enter the cocky son of a bitch from Oklahoma. Look at him sling the ball in ways Tyrod can't! The Browns offence is somehow moving, their kicker isn't injured and can kick accurately. [Headline: "Hue Jackson didn't know Zane Gonzalez was kicking while injured Sunday"] Cleveland is legitimately the most excited about the Browns for the first time since 1999. In ways that shock even the football gods, the Browns pull ahead as the Jets proceed to butt-fumble this game like many before them. [Carlos Hyde runs the final yard for a touchdown that gives Cleveland a 21-17 lead; "Ode to Joy" begins playing in the background, while Tree affects his "Brass Bonanza" voice] CLEVELAND! YOU'VE DONE IT! YOU'VE WON A GAME!
  Caption: [flashing as children cheer] CONGLATURATION! [a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]
  UT: It's like the druggie taking his first steps toward clean living. [over scenes of Browns fans celebrating the win] It's fucking stunning. Legend has it that Baker Mayfield fathered at least thirty children on this night. Cleveland, a reward awaits: open the water supply! [in a Browns fan bar, the free beer reserved for team wins is finally passed around]
• And elsewhere, another miracle as one team completely upends expectations and another somehow reverts to them...
  UT: You can at least pretend to comfort yourselves by saying that you aren't Buffalo. Straight fucking trash disguised as a football team marching to their deaths against the New Age Purple People Eaters and their new kicker Dan Bailey. [Headline: "Vikings cut Daniel Carlson, will sign Dan Bailey"] This is gonna be an outright massacre. Let's watch as they feast on the helpless villagers and pillage them of everything of value. I will vicariously enjoy this. [Record Needle Scratch; the Bills have raced to a 17-0 lead in the first quarter] Wait a minute, wha?? The Bills are the ones doing the massacring!? Did the Vikings imitate their modern Swedish counterparts or something? There's playing down to your competition and then there's digging hundreds of feet beneath them. Josh Allen carried that torch and used your intestines as its lighting fuel.
  Caption: GREEN BAY'S TOP SEARCHED VIDEO ON PORNHUB, WEEK OF SEPT. 23 2018
  UT: Was your team in fucking Wisconsin for the game or something? [an image appears of the Bills' official Twitter account announcing "Your Bills have arrived." with a graphic of a journey from Buffalo to... western Wisconsin, to which the Vikings' official Twitter account snarks, "Can't get anything by us, @buffalobills. We actually play in the other Minnesota."] Jesus Christ, no wonder why this team can't win anything worth a damn. They're being routed by a place where there's nothing better to do but fuck like jackrabbits!
  Headline: JORDAN MATTHEWS ON BUFFALO BABY: 'NOTHING TO DO THERE EXCEPT EACH OTHER'
  Caption: CONDOMS, JORDAN...

NFL Week Four (2018)

• With Buffalo fresh from their upset win over Minnesota, Tree brings back the Buffalo Optimism Meter for their trip to Green Bay. It breaks again almost immediately...
  UT: I'm gonna try and bring out the Buffalo Optimism Meter once again. [a Bills logo with the Caption "Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0" appears in the top right] They are back to a relatively healthy 60% ["60%" appears in the caption with a "ding!"] after a stunning and impressive victory over Minnesota in the 'dome. Now they fly to the real Wisconsin to face the Packarena. That would be optimistic, there is no such thing in this league.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0: [fart noise] 10%
  UT: Buffalo is dominated in every way, shape, and/or form against a team with a bunch of question marks on it.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0: [fart noise] -20%
  UT: And this wasn't because of Aaron Rodgers, it was thanks to the Packers' D.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0: [fart noise] -80%
  UT: You do realise this defence isn't that good, right.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2.0: [fart noise] BARS ARE OPEN UNTIL 4AM
  UT: Josh Allen returned to being a rookie and the Optimism Meter crashed again.
  What is Optimism? Buffalol Pegulas: [Losing Horns] SCOTT NORWOOD
  UT: Back to the R&D department...

NFL Week Six (2018)

• Even without Ben McAdoo, the Derp in New York is as strong as ever...
  UT: [as the Derp Song plays in the background] This has been the year where a lot of precious memes have died, but some grow ever stronger. The legend of the Derp is a thriving specimen. Mix in total annihilation^note 34-13, to be exact. at the hands of an Eagles team eager to make an example of someone, the wasted talents of Saquon Barkley, and the cutting of a certain turnstile [Headline: Giants cut Ereck Flowers] [Caption: Holy shit they did it] that will not be named helped to bring this pot to a boil. [over footage of Odell Beckham Jr. attacking a giant electric fan on the touchline to vent his frustration] The seasoning for this wonderous feast of Derp will be the salt of Odell Beckham, who has seen what Antonio Brown has been doing and has decided he wants to be the best in that regard as well. [Headline: Giants owner wants Odell Beckham to make headlines on field] One of these days the Giants will realise that Eli Manning should have been retired to pasture years ago, but the G-Men still need to pretend they are playoff contenders. In some Connecticut middle school, Ben McAdoo is pleasuring himself to his correct assumption on the Derp master. The ride never ends, boys...
• Another new version of the Buffalo Optimism Meter is rolled out after the Bills' shock win over the Titans in Week 5. In Week 6, the Bills go to Houston, and...
  UT: Last we checked in on the Bills, [a Bills logo with the caption "Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0" appears in the top right] the Buffalo Optimism Meter was re-introduced at... let's say 20%. ["20%" appears in the caption with a "ding!"] They held on for victory at home last week and are facing another team with glaring flaws. So far the result of this game has been... more offensive ineptitude.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0: [fart noise] -40%
  UT: Despite the Texans continuing to trip over themselves like a toddler and the defence doing their part, the Bills can't do anything of note besides a few field goals.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0: [fart noise] -60%
  UT: When you think it can't get worse... [Headline: Josh Allen won't play against Colts because of elbow injury] Josh Allen gets injured.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0: [fart noise] -150%
  UT: Enter the return of... Petermeme.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0: [yell of agony] WHERE'S J.P. LOSMAN'S NUMBER?
  UT: He bumbles around to give Buffalo the... lead, what the hell?
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0: [ding!] WHY DO I HAVE A HALF-CHUB?
  UT: Am I seeing reality? The Bills might win it... oh my glorious God. [Peterman attempts a pass with just over a minute left, but the pass is intercepted by Jonathan Joseph and run back for a touchdown; 20-13 Texans]
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 3.0: ["Oh NO!"] FULL PETERMEME
  LIQUOR DROUGHT IN THE REGION
  [explosion] OPTIMISM? BUFFALOL? A FOOLISH PROPOSITION!
  UT: The more things change, the more they stay the same. ["lose a life" jingle] Better luck next time, Buffalol!
• The Bears have taken to Miami for a showdown with the Dolphins, who are starting a quarterback not expected, and things get ugly fast.
  Headline: TANNEHILL INACTIVE, OSWEILER STARTS FOR DOLPHINS
  UT: Oh god, you can't be fucking serious. The Dolphins are starting BROCK OSWEILER?!?! [laughs uproariously]
  Title Card: "THE HOUSTON TEXANS CRY IN THEIR SLEEP"^note At each of these intermissions, music from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia plays.
  [Cut to the first half almost over...]
  UT: The game is so far going as everyone expects it to. Brock Osweiler is playing like shit and da Bears have the lead. [...and then seven minutes remaining in the third quarter] It doesn't matter that the offense can't convert into premium results, you're playing Osweiler. This shouldn't be hard.
  Title Card: "THE BEARS EXPERIENCE BROCKTOBER"
  [Cut to a bit over nine minutes remaining in the fourth quarter with the Bears up 21-13...]
  UT: This is when that vaunted front seven of the Bears can't do anything against Osweiler [...and then with the Bears up 28-21 with a bit over three minutes to go...] or an offensive line injured to shit and the Dolphins tie the game up. Throughout the Windy City, panic and uncertainty begin to set in. How the fuck are they choking up like this?! [...and then to the game a little less than three minutes into overtime.] Why are the Dolphins marching against that D? Why are they on the goddamn 1-yard line?!
  Title Card: "THE DOLPHINS LOSE ECHOLOCATION"
  [Cut to the game almost halfway through overtime...]
  UT: Miami then realizes they have narratives to maintain and choke everything to shit on the fucking 1-yard line. [...and then with less than four minutes remaining.] What a shocker, the Dolphins are going to blow it now! What higher power can fuck this up for the Bears?!
  Title Card: "THE BEARS GET MCCASKEY'D"
  [Cut to the Bears attempting a game-winning field goal with two minutes left, to no avail]
  UT: How many times are these teams going to try to lose this game?! Can we somehow give both of these teams losses?! Neither deserve to win this shit fest! Oh lord, another field goal try. I pray he misses, a tie would be fitting.
  Title Card: "MIAMI KEEPS THE LACES OUT"
  [Cut to Jason Sanders kicking a 47-yard game winning field goal as time expires.]
  UT: Conglaturation, Dolphins, you failed less than the Bears today.
  Caption: WHY THE HELL AREN'T THE BEARS 5-0 RIGHT NOW?
  UT: Take this undeserved win and get the fuck out of my face! [Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!!!"]
  

NFL Week Ten (2018)

• The Lions' hopes for a good season are dashed by a 34-22 shellacking in Chicago. And, as Tree reveals, Detroit's basketball, hockey, and baseball fans have just as much cause for pessimism...
  UT: You think it couldn't get worse for you, Detroit, didja. Aw, look at how they think they had a chance at 10-6 this year, that's cute. Here comes the airplane known as Khalil Mack to smash your teeth in and put you back into the infirmary! Soldier Field was a slaughtering ground! A slaughtering of any hope that the Lions may have had for this season. Unless they win out, Detroit is done. Even then, it may not be enough. Don't worry though, guys, even though you got routed by Chicago, at least you have the Pistons.
  Headline: [Family Feud buzzer] PISTONS FEEL HORNETS' STING, DROP THIRD STRAIGHT AT HOME
  UT: The Red Wings?
  Headline: [Family Feud buzzer] RED WINGS KEEP SENDING MIXED SIGNALS ABOUT REBUILD
  UT: The Tigers!?
  Headline: [Family Feud buzzer] TIGERS REMAIN COMMITTED TO LOSING, WILL NOT SIGN BIG NAME FREE AGENTS THIS OFFSEASON
  UT: Your whole city is fucked. Where's RoboCop when you need him?^note The Lions ultimately finished 6-10. As for the other Detroit teams, the Pistons posted a .500 record and scraped through to the playoffs as the #8 seed in the East, where they were swept by the #1 seeded Milwaukee Bucks; the Red Wings posted a dismal 32-40-10 record, bad enough for 14th in the Eastern Conference; and the Tigers' 47-114 record in 2019 was the worst in the league.

NFL Week Twelve (2018)

• Four weeks after giving Hue Jackson his long overdue marching orders, the Browns cross Ohio to play the Bengals, whose new "assistant to the head coach" (and de facto defensive co-ordinator) is... Hue Jackson.^note Making this his third stint with the Bengals. Cue revenge for two and a half seasons of abject failure:
  UT: A bittersweet reunion between Hue Jackson and the Browns. Let's remember all the good times... that would be this game. The team that formerly employed Jackson laid into the ever-loving shit against the defence that Hue Jackson now "assists" in running. Conglaturation, Bungles, you have lost your punching bag of the division. They were straight annihilated. Cincinnati gets some prizes too, though.
  Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] REPORT: AJ GREEN WON'T RETURN FOR BENGALS VS. BROWNS DUE TO TOE INJURY
  UT: First, an injury taking A.J. Green out of this game, limiting your air attack. Speaking of passing, Andy Dalton's thumb got wrecked.
  Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!" and yell of pain] BENGALS QB ANDY DALTON SUFFERS THUMB INJURY IN LOSS
  UT: Bow down to a team that hadn't won a road game in over three years. The shade that the Browns were throwing at Hue Jackson all game was delicious karma. [Browns safety Damarious Randall intercepts a pass from Andy Dalton and sarcastically presents the ball to Jackson on the sidelines] It's obvious that he can't lead an organisation and left bad blood in Cleveland.
  Headline: BAKER MAYFIELD CALLS HUE JACKSON 'FAKE' AFTER BEING TOLD TO 'GROW UP'
  Caption: PURELY SAVAGE
  UT: Let's make him our heir apparent to Marvin Lewis!?... [laughs uproariously]
  Headline: HUE JACKSON COULD BE NEXT IN LINE TO BE THE BENGALS' NEXT HEAD COACH IF MARVIN LEWIS EXITS
  Simpsons anchor: [points at screen] You stupid...! [trails off laughing]
  UT: And you wonder why the Bungles are their namesake.

NFL Week Fourteen (2018)

• The New England Patriots are about to escape Miami with a win. And then Miami pulls off a miracle.
  UT: All they have to do is coast to victory.
  [Tannehill passes the ball to Kenny Stills, who laterals the ball to DeVante Parker. Parker then laterals it to Kenyan Drake, who takes off running. As he nears the endzone, the Patriot with the best chance to tackle him is tight end Rob Gronkowski, playing deep in anticipation of a Hail Mary pass]
  Caption: IT'S AN EXTEREMLY LOW PERCENTAGE PLAY. NO WAY THEY PULL IT OFF.
  UT: There's no way Drake's gonna get past... Gronk?
  Caption: [accompanied by Record Needle Scratch] SERIOUSLY? GRONK?
  [Gronkowski whiffs on the tackle as Drake runs the ball into the endzone, winning the game for Miami. After this happens, The Price Is Right theme plays, fireworks go off and CONGLATURATION! flashes on the screen]
  UT: Oh, boo-hoo. The Patriots have to eat shit thanks to choking on Miami's boot again. Quick, let me reach into my bag of fucks to give.
  [UT begins to laugh his ass off as the following captions flash on the screen]
  How do you blow that?
  CONGLATURATION!
  THOSE MISSED POINTS!
  BAD KICKING!
  CONGLATURATION!
  [At this point, Billy Madison screams "YOU BLEW IT!" repeatedly and Tidus' fake laugh is heard over the din. All the while, Tree continues to laugh his ass off]
  FUCKING GRONK!
  GLORIOUS KARMA!
  CONGLATURATION!
  SERIOUSLY, WHY GRONK?
  NOBODY HAS SYMPATHY!
  PRAISE THE FOOTBALL GODS!
  CONGLATURATION!
  UT: I FUCKING LOVE IT!

NFL Week Fifteen (2018)

• Things are looking very good for the Chiefs. They're at home against the Chargers, a division rival they haven't lost to since 2013, up 14 over 93% of the way through regulation. And if they win this, they clinch not only the division, but a first round bye in the playoffs. And the Patriots' recent loss from the Miracle in Miami puts Kansas City in prime position to clinch the #1 seed and home-field advantage, too. They just have to pull it together, and it's basically theirs for the taking.
  UT: It's a narrative unlike any other in the AFC West the Chargers cannot beat Kansas City. The everlasting hype between Hunter Henry and Derek Johnson [Caption: THANK YOU, STEPHEN A. SMITH FOR SUCH BRILLIANT ANALYSIS] comes to a head for a shot at division supremacy. In the beginning, narratives were safe. The Chiefs were stomping all over their fresh bait with 14 point leads aplenty. A celebration was about to begin at Arrowhead. [A graph shows KC having a 99.3% chance of winning] Up by two scores with four minutes left in the 99% chance of winning. The wonders of Reid have truly faded! A man of majesty indeed.
  [Rivers hands it off to Jackson, who gets into the end zone with 3:49 remaining to make the score 28-21 following an extra point.]
  UT: No worries my friends, though. Ram the ball and finish them!
  [Facing a 3rd and 13 near their own goal line with 3:25 left, Mahomes is sacked.]
  UT: Gods, it's happening again. Prepare the bunkers, everyone! [a siren blares in the background] The Chiefs are buckling and their defense is smoldering plastic! Full Reid has awoken from dormancy! The Diamond Dogs give zero fucks as the women and children are crying in the corner! If you have a God, pray to it now!
  [Rivers makes a pass to Michael Williams to put them up 28-27 with four seconds left.]
  UT: Prepare the bunkers again! [the sirens get more extreme] Angry Chiefs fans are coming to bitch about refball! [Caption: NICE "PENALTY"] Even though their fourth touchdown drive [Caption: "HOLDING PENALTY"] was aided by bad calls and they missed a plate and helmet to helmet head on Rivers [Caption: THE NFL CARES SO MUCH ABOUT PLAYERS SAFETY, DON'T THEY?], so the incompetence was equal opportunity. [Caption: THE SIMULTANEOUS REACTION OF EVERY CHIEFS FAN IN ATTENDANCE, over a frame of Orlando Scandrick looking stunned] And the Chargers aren't wasting time, they're going straight for the kill. I know I'm conservative was going for two, but here? Do it. [Caption: THAT KINDA SEEMS LIKE A PUSHOFF. As the replay shows Williams in a pushoff against one of the Chargers defenders] Make us laugh at failure yet again!
  [The 2-point pass is easily made, putting the Chargers up 29-28, which would be the final score. Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!!!"]
  UT: The Chargers have cojones of titanium. [Caption: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, THESE REFS ARE FUCKING ATROCIOUS FOR BOTH SIDES] Walking on water and silencing their enemies with another comeback! Narratives die [Caption: BOB SUTTON'S SECONDARY, EVERYONE!, showing an aerial view of the attempt.] as Rivers probably has a few more kids as a result. And there's also a playoff berth in here somewhere, too.
  LOS ANGELES CHARGERS: PLAYOFF BOUND! [a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]
  UT: Don't worry too much, Chiefs, at least you guys still control your own destiny. [Mr. Kincade from the South Park episode "Guitar Queer-o" says "You blew it! You had it all and you blew it!"] You're gonna blow this, aren't you.
• Entering a matchup between the Raiders who could be Las Vegas bound soon, and the Bengals, who got off to a great start for the season but have since floundered massively, it's a Tank Bowl! But things get weird. Really weird.
  UT: Another Tank Bowl? How many of them are there going to be this week?!^note This episode had two more before it, Tank Bowl XII with the Cardinals and Falcons, and XIII with the Lions and Bills. Tank Bowl XV between the Redskins and the Jaguars appears later in the video.
  Caption: [over a shortened version of "Roundball Rock"] TANK BOWL XIV: RAIDERS VS BENGALS
  UT: Yeah, I think this joke is running on high mileage at this point. Oakland, I know it's been a rough year for you but let's check the news; maybe something good happened to you after that win against Pittsburgh. Well, you fired your GM Reggie McKenzie [Headline: Reggie McKenzie out as Raiders General Manager] after he lost his power struggle, unsurprising. The city of Oakland is suing you and the NFL [Headline: City of Oakland Suing NFL over Raiders' move to Las Vegas]; that's always a sign of goodwill. This also means you could be thrown out of the city [Headline: Where Will The Oakland Raiders Call Home In 2019?] and have to scramble for a new home next year; fun times. [Headline: Amari Cooper Says Mark Davis, Not Jon Gruden, Wanted To Trade Star WR] Here's Amari Cooper saying that Jon Gruden wasn't the one that got him traded; I need popcorn for this saga. And ah yes [Headline: Martavis Bryant Suspended Indefinitely by NFL for Substance Abuse Violation], Martavis Bryant got suspended indefinitely because he can't stop smoking weed, more good news. On the field, yeah, you got your shit kicked in by a broken team because your idea of stopping Joe Mixon was letting him run free in the hopes that he'd run out of batteries. Take this complimentary loss as [Caption: MIGHT AS WELL CLOSE OFF THE UPPER BOWLS FOR THIS GAME, and shows a picture of the top stands mostly empty] nobody bothered to show up to the stadium to even SEE your ass-kicking. Cincy wins the game and they also win another prize: playoff elimination!
  CINCINNATI BENGALS: ELIMINATED! [Stock Scream is used as a blacken blood is thrown on the team logo]
  UT''': Do you guys remember when the Bungles were 4-1? Seems like it's in a different age when you look back on it. You got exposed and your answer is probably going to be Hue Jackson or more Marvin Lewis. You guys are fucked. Have a nice life!^note Not only would Marvin Lewis be fired at the end of that season, but despite going 6-25-1 the two seasons following that, in 2021 they would go 11-6 and make a surprise run to the Super Bowl.
• With the defending champions hanging on by a thread after a disappointing season sweep courtesy of the Cowboys, their next stop is Los Angeles for a showdown with a Rams team that they're expected to get demolished by. Things go From Bad to Worse with Carson Wentz suffering a back injury that basically has him out for the season. No way can Nick Foles bring them back again. Right?
  UT: The Eagles are dealing with panic yet again. They're gingerly straddling the lines of playoff elimination. Even worse, their former lord and savior Carson Wentz is dealing with an injury and may not return this season. [Headlines: Carson Wentz has back injury that could shut him down for season / Nick Foles To Start Sunday's Game Against Rams Due To Carson Wentz's Injury] Re-enter the legend of Philadelphia. BIG. DICK. NICK. His mythos is continuing in the hostile territory of the Rams with another strong performance. [Headline: Eagles news: The Rams are preparing for Eagles fans to invade their home stadium] I'd like to believe that's why a swath of Eagles fans made the trek to LA to cheer them on. Hell, his magic even affected the Rams' offense. Jared Goff, this is not the time to revert to rookie form. You have a #1 seed to try and shoot for!
  Caption: JEFF FISHER MUST BE IN THE STANDS.
  UT: The only thing he's shooting is his own ass! Even then, the Eagles have loved themselves a good collapse this year. They're ready to bend over and take a painful colonoscopy of a loss!
  [The final play of the game is Goff throwing from the Eagles' 18-yard line for the end zone, but the pass falls incomplete as time expires, making the final score 30-23 Eagles.]
  UT: The Rams are now stunned on the ground only mumbling the word "Foles". I think Philly's doing this shit on purpose!

NFL Week Sixteen (2018)

• The last Monday Night Football game of the season is also seemingly Raiders' last home game in Oakland^note Raiders were scheduled to move to Las Vegas for the 2019 season, but delayed construction of their new stadium resulted in them staying in Oakland for one more year, and it looks like the 3-11 team would get the sendoff it truly deserves...
  UT: A HEAVYWEIGHT TANK BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWL!!! (scream lasting roughly a third of the way thorugh Tank Bowl intro)
• ...but the team decides giving fans one last win is worth more than eventual first pick.
  SPECIAL TEAMS SUCCESS 101: STARRING THE DENVER BRONCOS
  UT: Oakland is so close to the goal of achieving the ultimate tank. If they lose out, they'd succeed in getting a prime draft selection and give Gruden a chance at an excellent talent and the- what the fuck are you doing, Raiders?...
  [Broncos punt near the endzone, but fail to properly down the ball; Raiders' returner Dwayne Harris recovers it at his own 1-yard line and starts sprinting down the sideline]
  UT: Don't go for the temporary high! You have a shot at a date with Bosa or Oliver!
  [ignoring the advice, Harris gets some blocks from his teammates and returns the ball all the way for a 99-yard punt return TD - the first score in the game Raiders ultimately won 27-14]
  Caption: MILE HIGH PUNT COVERAGE, INDEED
  UT: ...you know what? FINE! Obliterate the hope of your carefully sculpted tank! Like I care that the Broncos are a shithouse and the Black Hole gets a bittersweet sendoff! People just don't look at the big picture...
  Caption: RAIDERS FALL TO FOURTH OVERALL PICK AS A RESULT OF THIS WIN

NFL Week Seventeen (2018)

• The Eagles go to Washington with the postseason on the line; a win, coupled with a Vikings defeat at home to the Bears, will net Philadelphia the final NFC Wild Card spot. Luckily, the Redskins are at a disadvantage which Tree decides merits an award:
  UT: First, the Eagles have to take care of their own business against a team probably starting the ball boy and a few janitors at this point. Redskins, your season may have fallen to shit faster than the Aztec Empire, but you can at least take home one award: the Injury Bowl.
  [with a Sickening "Crunch!" and yell of agony, the "YOU'RE WINNER !" trophy from Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing appears on screen... its stem broken in half]
  UT: Just be careful with it, it's fragile.
• With the NFC's playoff picture all wrapped up, now it's to the AFC, where two AFC South teams are competing for the last slot. And Pittsburgh hoping for an absurdity.
  AFC SIXTH BATTLE PLAN: TENNESSEE - WIN AND IN / INDIANAPOLIS - WIN AND IN / PITTSBURGH - TEN/IND TIE AND IN
  UT: As for the final playoff spot available, it's simple between the Colts and Titans as they play each other: win or go home. If they somehow tie, the Steelers end up clinching the sixth seed. Knowing everything, Pittsburgh's getting this spot, aren't they. [cut to the game] If so, it's going to be harder for them as Marcus Mariota will NOT be playing this week. [Headline: Marcus Mariota out vs. Colts; stinger puts QB's long-term throwing ability at risk] Turns out that stinger he suffered was more severe than once thought [Headline: Marcus Mariota reportedly at risk of permanently damaging his shoulder] and he may risk permanent damage if he tries to tough it out. Thus, Tennessee must rely on their new golden goose in Blaine Fucking Gabbert.
  Caption: THIS IS THE SOUND WHEN ALL HOPE DIES
  UT: Oh boy. If anything, at least Indianapolis is impaling themselves on the same pike repeatedly by means of turnovers and penalties. This game is somewhat competitive despite the Colts dominating the stats sheet. Tennessee still has a chance. And honestly, that's all they need.
  [Almost 85% of the way through the game with the Titans down 17-24, Gabbert scrambles then throws a pass, only to be intercepted by Colts defensive back Kenny Moore.]
  UT: Right, they have Blaine Gabbert as their QB, that'll kill off any optimism. Indianapolis finishes them off and you have another Titans season that's... Do I honestly have to say it?
  TENNESSEE TITANS: ELIMINATED! [a throwing up sound can be heard over black spit being thrown on the team logo]
  UT: Too inconsistent. That's what I call the Titans. A team that would smoke the Patriots and then fall to shit against teams like the Bills. That's never a recipe for success, no matter how many times you try to go for 2. Now you wonder if Mariota can stay healthy enough to be the permanent solution! That's never a good question to have. In fact, this is a two for one special! This also cancels the annual march of the Yinzers.
  PITTSBURGH STEELERS: ELIMINATED! [a stock scream from one of the Mortal Kombat games is heard over the black spit being thrown on the team logo]
  UT: Total and utter fucking failures. The entirety of the football world dances. The soap opera reaches an early end. I would grab my axe, but it was lost under the collapse. By process of elimination, the Colts are the last man standing! They have made it back to the playoffs.
  INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: PLAYOFF BOUND! [a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]
  UT: This is honestly a really goddamn good job by them. From going 1-5 with brutal losses aplenty to rattling off 9 of 10 wins thanks to a resurgent Andrew Luck. Once again, another very interesting team for January.

Days of Our Steelers - 2018 Season

The drama on and off the field involving the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2018-19 became so all-engulfing that Tree decided to spin off "Days of Our Steelers" from "This Week in Sportsball". Fans of the other 31 NFL teams got a lot of laughs out of the results. Given its recurring nature and wealth of material throughout the season, Tree eventually complied them all into a one hour, forty-eight minute season video.

Episode Nine: A High-Speed Poaching

• Tree compares the Carolina Panthers' heading into Pittsburgh to take on the Steelers to Homer skateboarding over Springfield Gorge in "Bart the Daredevil", thinking they've got a chance at winning after quickly jumping out to a 7-0 lead... before being blown out 52-21 by the Steelers.

Episode Eleven: Mile-High Melancholy

• Tree narrates the second drive from the Steelers in their game against the Broncos.
  UT: ["Days of Our Steelers" narrator voice] A field goal block in the first drive would hopefully bring them to understand that Denver would play hard. They seemed to get the message. The black and gold brigade charges down the field with fury and Grimble-[Record Needle Scratch]
  [Steelers tight end Xavier Grimble runs the ball towards the Broncos endzone, only to fumble after being hit by Broncos safety Will Parks]
  UT:[breaks character] GRIMBLE! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FUMBLE THAT! No wonder you're the third-string tight end, get in the pit!
• Tree then recovers his composure while narrating the Steelers making a comeback.
  UT: ["Days of Our Steelers" narrator voice] Wash the taste of his boot out out of your mouth with a 97 yard stride by JuJu. Bask in all of that talent! The Steelers are going to the Super Bowl. New England is going to get fucked so hard they'd think we were General Howe! ^note General William Howe was the British Commander who captured New York and Philadelphia during the Revolutionary War. Yinzer Nation will rise and be insufferable for weeks to come! [Big Ben immediately throws a pick to Denver cornerback Chris Harris Jr.] Or Captain Fatfuck will do that.
  UT: [Continuing "Days of Our Steelers" narrator voice] Denver immediately responds because Steelers defense can't be relied upon for a big play [Cue 41-yard pass from Case Keenum to Emmanuel Sanders, who makes a questionable catch.]
  Caption: IN BEFORE "NOT A CATCH COMMENTS. STEELERS DIDN'T CHALLENGE, THEIR LOSS.
  UT: [Continuing "Days of Our Steelers" narrator voice] This match was a game again, let the Broncos fans think that, let them pretend they're going to win, because the black and gold brigade will march down the field and-[Record Needle Scratch] [Denver cornerback Bradley Roby tackles James Connor, who fumbles the ball where it is picked up by Broncos safeties Darian Stewart and Justin Simmons.]
  UT:[breaks character]NO! CONNOR! NOOO! WHY DO YOU BETRAY US NOW? MY LIFE IS A LIE! [explosion sound]
  Caption: SAD FACT: LEVEON DOESN'T FUMBLE THERE. I HATE ADMITTING THAT.
  

Episode Twelve: Rivers of Woe

• This episode comes hot on the heels of the Steelers losing to the Broncos in Week 12 and looking for redemption at home to the Chargers, and they seem well-placed with a 23-7 lead at half time.^note The Chargers' touchdown drew Steelers fan ire for resulting from a false start that was overlooked by the officials.
  • The first signs of trouble occur near the end of the third quarter when the Steelers get in their own way in multiple senses of the phrase as Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers tries to pass to wide receiver Keenan Allen in the end zone:
    UT: ["Days of Our Steelers" narrator voice] Fortunately, the Chargers offense has done nothing against the Steel Curtain all game. The running game is stuffed. The passing lanes are blocked. And Philip Rivers is taking such a beating that he may have a tenth child on the field. [Rivers lines up a pass to Allen, but Steelers cornerback Joe Haden is directly in the path of the pass...] An easy intercep- [... only for free safety Sean Davis to collide with him, knocking him to the ground and allowing Allen to grab the ball for a touchdown] [breaking character] Huh! That's funny! I could have sworn we cut Mike Mitchell in the spring!
    Caption: [over a replay of the collision] HEAD-HUNTING: NOT EVEN ONCE
    UT: That was an easy fucking interception and one of our high draft picks comes in with a hit stick and kills our best corner! Now we have to deal with Artie Burns sucking dicks again! [Burns completely fails to block Rivers' pass to tight end Antonio Gates for a 2-point conversion] Fucking lovely!
  • The Chargers score two more touchdowns (with a total of three extra points) as Steelers fans begin attacking Chargers fans and each other in the stands before another Steelers touchdown ties it at 30 with four minutes left. Then... well, let's just say Tree breaks character for the rest of the video:
    UT: ["Days of Our Steelers" narrator voice] All the defence has to do is make a stop with four minutes left. To no-one's surprise, they can't accomplish this goal. [Rivers passes through a huge gap in the Steelers' defence to Allen for a 12-yard gain]
    Caption: BECAUSE ZONE D HAS WORKED SO WELL FOR THIS TEAM IN THESE SITUATIONS...
    UT: Slowly chipping away at the field, the Steeler faithful panics at what could be their fate. Their overconfidence would be shattered. Pants shitting increases twentyfold as they reach field goal range. It will take a miracle for this to continue.
    [Chargers kicker Michael Badgley lines up a 39-yard field goal attempt, which goes wide left]
    UT: [Record Needle Scratch] [breaks character] YES! THEY STILL SUCK! FUCK YOU SPANOS, YOUR KICKER IS- [whistle, graphic of a yellow flag flies across the screen as the Steelers incur a 5-yard penalty for defensive offside] FUUUUUUUUUUCK! GODDAMN IT, HADEN, I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS! Now they can kick again!
    Caption: "BUT HE WASN'T OFFSIDES" ~STEELERS FANS
    [Badgley lines up a 34-yard field goal attempt, which is blocked by Steelers cornerback Artie Burns... who is well over the line of scrimmage when the play begins] [whistle, graphic of a yellow flag flies across the screen as the Steelers incur another 5-yard penalty for defensive offside]
    UT: That was so goddamn obvious it's like they're deliberately trying to cheese the system. Just take them to the goal line at this rate. Good God.
    Caption: [over a replay of the offside] THEY'RE TRYING TO FORCE A GAME GLITCH. I'VE SEEN THIS TOO MANY TIMES.
    [Badgley lines up a 29-yard field goal attempt, and makes no mistake this time despite another defensive offside by the Steelers. Final score: Chargers 33, Steelers 30]
    UT: [sarcastically] And, of course, they make it. [whistle, graphic of a yellow flag flies across the screen] I'm more amazed at Artie Burns. The dude was so offsides he missed the kick.
    Caption: [over a replay of the field goal as Burns throws himself onto the ground in front of Badgley before he even gets the ball] HOW TO FAIL AT IMITATING "IN THE LINE OF FIRE"
    UT: You can't cover a geriatric tight end yet blaze past the holder!? GOD, you fucking suck!
    Caption: [over a replay of Burns failing utterly to stop Rivers passing to Gates for a 2-point conversion] FIRST ROUND PICK
  • Cue another "The Reason You Suck" Speech from Tree to the Steelers organisation:
    UT: All I wanted to do was laugh at the Chargers and Spanos for roughly the seventy-third time, but nope! You guys had to fuck it all up! The Steelers had a statement win in the palm of their hands and they let it slip away! I know everyone's going to blame the refs, or the long snapper, or the Patriots, or the wind blowing in from the river, but here's reality: great teams finish off their prey, no matter the circumstances! A 16-point lead with the ball at half should have been Game Over. They fucking blew it. [a tweet from ESPN's Twitter account observes that the loss set a record for biggest blown lead by the Steelers at home] It's not hard to admit. At the end of the day, that uncalled false start doesn't matter. The refs didn't cause Sean Mitchell to level a guy with an easy interception. The refs didn't cause the defence to fail miserably to make any kind of stop. The refs didn't stop the Steelers offence from making any kind of progress in the second half.
    Caption: [as Ben Roethlisberger is sacked for a 10-yard loss while trying to line up a pass] BRB NEED TO ATTEMPT FIFTY MORE PASSES
    UT: The refs didn't force the Steelers to cover the best wide receiver on the other team with fucking linebackers all game! [a tweet from Warren Sharp points out that such tactical blunders are why "the Steelers get owned by the Patriots"] Jesus, even Shazier wouldn't have been able to cover Keenan Allen, how the hell do you expect Jon Bostic to!? I'm not pissed that they lost, I'm pissed at the way they lost. [cut to Mike Tomlin holding a press conference] Did you see what the Chargers did, Tomlin?!
    Caption: CALL MORE UNNECESSARY CHALLENGES YOU'LL LOSE, MIKE
    UT: It's called "adjusting to your gameplan". You got horribly outcoached by a second-year guy missing his best running back, defensive tackle, and middle linebacker! And you know they aren't going to learn a damn thing from this! They're just going to blame the refs for their loss and call it a day.
    Caption: "BUT MUH BLOCK IN THE BACK" ~STEELERS FANS
    UT: But while you do that, not only is a first round bye all but out of the question, guess who's snuck behind you again? [footage of the Ravens' Week 12 and 13 wins against the Raiders and Falcons, respectively] Baltimore. They're a half game back now. You're back in the muck, Steelers. Try thinking you're above everything some more, it's worked so well for you in the past. If they lose to Oakland next week I'm going to break some necks. [the "Days of Our Steelers" title appears over another replay of the winning field goal] It's not like we're dealing with injuries.
    Headlines: [Sickening "Crunch!"] JAMES CONNER INJURY UPDATE: STEELERS RB (ANKLE) RULED OUT VS. RAIDERS
    ROOKIE RB JAYLEN SAMUELS EXPECTS TO START AGAINST RAIDERS
    UT: Oh boy, now we're starting a converted tight end at running back. Fucking wonderful.

Episode Thirteen: A Tomlin Tradition

• "If they lose to Oakland next week I'm going to break some necks," as Tree said after the Chargers' victory at Heinz Field. The metaphorical neck-breaking is as funny as it is merciless.
  • With the Ravens, Texans, and Patriots respectively losing to the Chiefs, Colts, and Dolphins, the stage appears to be set for the Steelers moving toward a first round bye with an easy win over the 2-10 Raiders, but they haven't won in Oakland since 1995, and have a tenuous 14-10 lead entering the fourth quarter. As Tree declares "The Steelers are once again playing down to their competition," a caption appears reading "THERE NEEDS TO BE A DRINKING METER EVERY TIME I SAY THAT PHRASE".
  • Ben Roethlisberger spends most of the second half on the sidelines with a vaguely described rib injury, only returning to the field after the Raiders take a 17-14 lead with 5:20 left.
    UT: [out of character, sarcastically] Aren't you guys just so proud? [as Raiders quarterback Derek Carr makes a 3-yard touchdown pass to tight end Lee Smith] Look at this fucking defence bend!
    Caption: THEY SHOULD DO MORE TEAM CELEBRATIONS FOR UNFORCED TURNOVERS^note A poke at the Steelers doing exactly that near the end of the third quarter.
    UT: Look at them give up insatiable yardage to a team with rookie tackles, faded skill players, and the shattered dreams of what was once a quarterback! They burned eight fucking minutes on a touchdown drive!
    Caption: "UNDERRATED DEFENSE"
    UT: You couldn't stop this fucking outfit, are you shitting me?!
    Headline: REASON FOR LENGTH OF ROETHLISBERGER ABSENCE STILL NOT ENTIRELY CLEAR
    UT: Oh, so now we see Captain Fat Fuck come into the game! When everything is falling to shit so talent can bail us out again! [in character as Roethlisberger passes to JuJu Smith-Schuster for a touchdown, giving the Steelers a 21-17 lead] They do. Beautiful talent as far as the eye can see. Even the defence is [breaks character] doing fucking nothing. They're straight up putting a boot up their asses. You're seriously trying to tell me that this team was prepared!? They haven't learned a fucking thing!
    Caption: [as Carr passes to wide receiver Seth Roberts for a 39-yard gain] AT LEAST HE'S NOT COVERED BY A LINEBACKER?
    UT: I don't think Oakland's going to win, but Jesus fuck, this is horrible!
    Caption: TWO PLAYS. 1:25 OFF THE CLOCK. NO TIMEOUTS USED. PEAK TOMLIN.
    UT: By the way, can someone please explain to me how Mike Tomlin still can't manage a game clock!?
    Caption: [after an incomplete pass from Carr to tight end Jared Cook] TIMEOUT USED AFTER INCOMPLETION. INEXCUSABLE.
    UT: [as Carr passes to tight end Derek Carrier for a touchdown to give the Raiders a 24-21 lead with 21 seconds left, accompanied by a musical sting] Jesus Christ, it's going to happen. The Steelers losing a football game to a glorified college team.
    Caption: THEY'RE BEING BEATEN BY PLAYERS AUTO-GENERATED IN MADDEN. CHRIST.
    UT: Did they not realise that the Raiders weren't just going to fucking lie down and die?! But wait - here comes the high end talent!
    Caption: [as Roethlisberger passes to James Washington, who laterals to Smith-Schuster, who is run out of bounds in field goal range] A RANDOM BIG PLAY OUT OF THEIR ASS. PREDICTABLE AS HELL.
    Mighty Mouse: [singing] Here I come to save the dayyyy!
    UT: It's going to mask all of their worthless failure in this game and everyone's going to ignore the glaring issues. Just pull off the bullshit already.
    [Steelers kicker Chris Boswell lines up a 40-yard field goal attempt, but falls over with a comedy sound effect as the Raiders easily block the kick. Final score: Steelers 21, Raiders 24]
    Billy Madison: YOU BLEW IT!!!
    UT: Are you fucking kidding me. All that flash and trickery to lose like that? What the hell happened to Boswell? The dude was fucking automatic last year and now he's treating the field like a water slide!
    Caption: [over a replay of the missed kick] SADLY, HE WILL PROBABLY BE THE ONLY ONE PUNISHED FOR THIS LOSS
    [as Boswell gives a locker room press conference] NOT SAYING IT ISN'T DESERVED, THOUGH
    UT: Are you sure it wasn't just Switzer with the cleat fuckup? Fucking hell, this team is a joke!
  • And so the stage is set for a blistering "The Reason You Suck" Speech...
    UT: I can't honestly be shocked or surprised as most of you are. There was a part of my mind thinking that they were going to fuck this up, and by God they did. The Steelers pull this shit every goddamn year. It's hard to be angry when it's a tradition dating back to the days of Cowher! Even then, the bar's lower than ever. You guys lost to the Raiders. This team has been openly punting the season since August and outright dominated in most games they've played! You were defeated by the NFL equivalent of Rutgers! A golden opportunity completely fucking squandered because the team chose to be cocky and arrogant like they always are! [footage of Mike Tomlin holding a post-game press conference] Twelve years, Tomlin.
    Caption: IT'S OBVIOUSLY FIXED WITH CLICHES, OBVIOUSLY
    UT: Twelve years in this league as a coach and you still don't know how to manage a fucking game clock! Why didn't you call your last timeout? Why didn't you try anything different offensively? Why the fuck can't the defence cover a tight end if their lives depended on it!? What are they going to do against Gronk? Put Vance McDonald in cover?! Why in the living hell was one of your best offensive weapons on the goddamn sideline while the offence was struggling!?
    Mike Tomlin: ... you know, he... got looked at half time, he got... treatment, he came back out, um... we were waitin' to see if he was gonna be able to come back in, he was... um... probably could have come in a series or so sooner, but we were... in the rhythm and flow of the game...
    Caption: BENEDICT TOMLIN HANDING OVER WEST POINT TO THE BRITISH, 2018
    UT: [Record Needle Scratch] Okay, Tomlin. I'm going to pretend that I did not hear that, because I could have sworn you just indicted yourself for utter incompetence! So please, let me clear my ears. Explain yourself, Mike.
    Tomlin: ... probably could have come in a series or so sooner, but we were... in the rhythm and flow of the game...
    Headline: MIKE TOMLIN SUGGESTS BEN ROETHLISBERGER COULD HAVE RETURNED SOONER THAN HE DID
    Caption: [as a tweet from Ray Fittipaldo appears asking what "rhythm and flow" even means] JUST SOAK THOSE COMMENTS IN...
    UT: You have got to be fucking shitting me. What the FUCK kind of reasoning is that!? "Rhythm and flow", WHAT GODDAMN FLOW?! I saw a lot of "terrible" and "dogshit" if you can call that a "flow"! That offence had about as much rhythm as a Yinzer after fifteen I.C. Lights! This shit is grounds for being fired!
    Caption: MY BOWELS HAVE MORE FLOW.
    UT: I expect this sort of ineptitude from Hue Jackson, that's how bad this looks. [over more footage of Tomlin talking to the press] Look at this guy, firing off every cliché in the book about "fundamentals" and "the standard being the standard" and "not living in our fears" because we're going to jump off this ledge into a pile of spikes! This shit all adds up. The overconfidence in your schemes, the way the players are acting, the way everyone dismissed Oakland as inferior on the team! You looked past your opponent again, didn't you. Did you learn ANYTHING from Jacksonville?! How much of a cheerleader are you!? At this point you're Baghdad Bob pretending everything is fine as there's drama coming out of this organisation every fucking week!
    Caption: "WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT THE TAPE OF THE IMPLOSION. ALSO THE STANDARD IS THE STANDARD."
    UT: How the FUCK don't you know if a player has the right fucking cleats before the game!?
    Caption: [over an interview with Ryan Switzer, the player who had the wrong cleats] THIS UNPREPARED AT A PROFESSIONAL LEVEL?
    UT: It's a lack of focus to detail, just like every other year! Now they get to potentially be in the shit with New England and New Orleans coming up! High end talent can't bail you out forever, Mike! Just ask the other Mike from Green Bay how piggybacking off Aaron Rodgers worked out for him! You better be thankful that the Steelers don't fire coaches or else you'd be out on your ass soon! ["Days of Our Steelers" title appears] This team fucking sucks!
    Headline: [fart noise] MIKE TOMLIN BLAMES RAIDERS X-RAY MACHINE FOR THE DELAY IN GETTING BEN ROETHLISBERGER BACK ON THE FIELD
    UT: A fucking X-ray machine!? That's your fucking excuse?!
    [Test Pattern]

Episode Fourteen: A Patriot's End

• "Yinzer Mode" gets a Call-Back when the Steelers defeat the Patriots, something they hadn't done since 2011.
  [Steelers are leading, 17-10. Tom Brady throws an incomplete pass on 4th and 15, Steelers take over on downs. "Hallelujah" starts playing in the background]
  UT: [gradually more excited] Oh my God... they beat New England. They beat New England. They beat the Patriots. Holy shit, they did it! They beat New England! They beat New England! They did it! They fucking beat New England! They did it!
  [Captain Fat Fuck takes a knee, Steelers win]
  Caption: [as the screen shakes and turns red while a siren goes off] YINZER MODE ACTIVATED
  UT: THEY DID IT! THEY BEAT NEW ENGLAND! YEEEEAAAAAH!! OH MY GOD THEY DID IT, THEY BEAT FUCKING NEW ENGLAND! THEY TOOK OUT THOSE FUCKING PATRIOTS! YEEEEEAAAH!!
• Throughout the rest of the video, Tree can be heard screaming in the background of his own narration.

Episode Fifteen: Burning in the Bayou

• The Steelers and their fanbase don't have much time to enjoy their win against New England. With the Ravens and Titans winning and the Colts coming back against "the Derp", the Steelers will only remain in control of their own destiny with a win in the Superdome. SeatGeek, the sometime sponsors of Tree's videos, even send him to the game in person. The footage recorded live on his phone is captioned "YINZERVISION 5.7". True to form, the game features ridiculous calls by the referees, which does not go uncommented on by either Live Tree or Recording Tree...
  [with the Saints on a fourth down, Drew Brees tries a deep pass to Alvin Kamara in the end zone, but the pass is incomplete...]
  UT: As Boswell proceeds to make another field goal, the battle continues with [... only for a whistle and a graphic of a yellow flag to fly across the screen as the Steelers' Joe Haden is slapped with a pass interference penalty] some of the most heinous fucking refball I've ever seen. How in God's name is that pass interference!?
  Caption: IT HAS TO BE THE ANGLE FROM WHICH THE REF WAS LOOKING. COVERAGE MUST'VE LOOKED MORE AGGRESSIVE FROM THERE.
  UT: And on a 4th and 1!? You trying to make the yinzers justified in their bitching?!
  UT: [live in the Superdome] ... I think we can call that refball.
  UT: [narrating] My point exactly.
• With the Steelers holding a slender 28-24 lead with four minutes left in the fourth quarter and on a fourth down, they try a fake punt, only for the gamble to backfire - not that they seem to notice...
  UT: Every yinzer and fleur-de-lis donner is clenching their anuses at what could be their team's fate. As New Orleans finally slows down the offensive train, they punt the ball back.
  Caption: RUNNING WITH ROSIE NIX. OKAY.
  [the punt formation is a fakeout, and Nix tries to run the ball, but is tackled one yard short of a first down; however, the Steelers start celebrating anyway]
  UT: Or they trust the fullback to get five yards... and decided to imitate the Titans.
  Caption: FUCKING LOL THEY'RE CELEBRATING FAILURE.
• The Saints drive down the field, but the Steelers defence puts up a fight... only to become their own worst enemies yet again.
  UT: Now the Saints have the pigskin in prime territory. The defence does its job to force a fourth down. Do it, Steelers. Make this yinzer heart kindle with flame.
  [Brees attempts a pass to Michael Thomas, but the Steelers defence tackles him...]
  Caption: [Record Needle Scratch] HOLY SHIT THEY DID IT
  [... only for a whistle and a graphic of a yellow flag to fly across the screen as Haden incurs another pass interference penalty]
  Caption: LOL NOPE
• The Saints take a 31-28 lead with 1:25 left, but high-end talent appears poised to bail the Steelers out as Roethlisberger completes a pass to Antonio Brown for a 19-yard gain, followed by a 14-yard gain courtesy of a pass to JuJu Smith-Schuster. But when Roethlisberger passes to Smith-Schuster again, he fumbles the ball, and the Saints recover it and kneel out the clock to seal the win. Live Tree's dejected reaction is captioned YINZER MODE: DEACTIVATED.

Episode Sixteen: Judgment Day

• Tree goes off on the Steelers for just barely beating the Cincinatti Bengals in a game they were favored to dominate in.
  UT: But everything's okay, they kicked a fucking field goal before halftime! What great progress against a team that's fucking dead! At this rate it doesn't matter if they win, they don't deserve the postseason with such an uninspired performance. This was their chance to prove something to me, and they sure as hell didn't! This can't be all related to The Diva,^note Antonio Brown, who no showed the game. and no way does the offense look this damn flat against a team with a defense close to an SEC outfit! I kinda feel they were too busy worrying about games other than their own. Does it matter in the long run as the black and gold brigade did the bare minimum to win thanks to their new kicker Matt Mc Crane having a pretty solid day? Well done, boys! You managed to beat the Bungles! A team that would probably be beaten by Alabama handily with how battered they are! I should bring you guys home and let you fuck my sister!
• With the Ravens beating the Browns to claim the AFC North and the Colts beating the Titans to claim the final Wild Card spot, the Steelers have failed to make the postseason for the first time since 2013. Tree spends most of the video giving the entire Steelers organisation a(nother) merciless "The Reason You Suck" Speech, with particular vitriol directed toward the main characters of "Days of Our Steelers", including 'Captain Fatfuck' Ben Roethlisberger, Le'Veon Bell, 'The Diva' Antonio Brown, and Mike Tomlin. JuJu Smith-Schuster has been spared from his wrath.
  UT: [over footage of JuJu holding his French Bulldog] I swear to the holiest of deities, if you fuckers corrupt JuJu and turn him into an abonimable monster, I will hunt every one of you down and kill you in your sleep!
• And as the video draws to a close, Tree brings the curtain down on another season of wasted opportunity. But someone is waiting in the wings to raise the curtain again...
  UT: There's only one quote that summarises this team.
  [clip of Robert De Niro as Lorenzo in A Bronx Tale talking to his son, Calogero]
  Lorenzo: Remember, the saddest thing in life is wasted talent. You could have all the talent in the world, but if you don't do the right thing, then nothing happens. But when you do right, guess what: good things happen.
  UT: At the end of the day, that's all this team is. A waste. And it will continue in perpetuity at this rate. Nothing has shown me that they want to change! With the actions shown, I see nothing but arrogance and the inability to even take a shred of criticism.
  Caption: [over a screenshot showing that the Steelers blocked Tree on Twitter] I NEVER DIRECTLY TWEETED AT THE STEELERS
  UT: What they can't block is that they have no-one to blame but themselves for the predicament they're in. They're becoming more and more of a joke as time passes. And it's going to continue because of stubbornness. [the "Days of Our Steelers" title appears] See you next year.
  Headline: ["BWONG"] ANTONIO BROWN REQUESTS TRADE FROM STEELERS AS RELATIONSHIP WITH TEAM IS STRAINED, PER REPORT
  UT: What the hell do you mean "we're not done"!?
  Headline: ["BWONG"] ANTONIO BROWN, JAMES HARRISON TEASE EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW MID-MIKE TOMLIN PRESS CONFERENCE
  UT: WHAT THE FUCK-
  [Test Pattern]

Episode Seventeen: The Flight of Icarus Brown

• As hinted at the end of the previous episode, they're not done; the drama engulfing the Steelers over Antonio Brown's future (or potential lack thereof) with the organisation means new episodes of Days of Our Steelers are still being produced. Tree opens by venting about having unwanted new material for the series:
  UT: Can someone please explain to me why I'm doing one of these episodes when a game hasn't been played in over a month? The players get to rest, why can't the drama!? God damn it, I'm gonna look like such a viewwhore...
  Caption: IMPLYING HE'S NOT A VIEWWHORE. THAT'S CUTE.

Episode Eighteen: Mr. Big Chest's Self-Destructive Opus

• The drama associated with Antonio Brown leading up to the trade is such that it can only be opened with:
  UT: Tonight, on Where's My Liquor?...
• In regards to what AB insisted his nickname be:
  UT: It's time to introduce his new identity to the world: "Mr. Big Chest". [Age of Empires II taunt "Dadgum!"] What the hell kind of nickname is that? I can't tell if that's an uninspired kid's show villain or a wrestler opening a house show in Wyoming. Let's wash this out with Le'Veon's new rap album! [an excerpt of one of Le'Veon Bell's songs plays]
  Caption: HE SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT '$14.5 MILLION' [Le'Veon's tweet promoting the album's premiere appears]
  UT: I regret that decision, much like most of us watching the Cancer bash the Steelers organization this off-season for the sixty-fourth time on a platform with LeBron James, who knows a thing or two about ripping a city's heart out with a move!
  Caption: IN BEFORE LEGM TRADES EVERYONE ON THE LAKERS TO GET ANTONIO

2019 NFL Season

In General

• The 2019 NFL episodes saw the debut of a new Epic Fail montage from the 2018-19 NFL season, including Bears kicker Cody Parkey's "double doink" missed field goal against the Eagles in the Wild Card round, the brawl between the Bills and the Jaguars in Week 12 (accompanied by a sound clip of Raiders coach Jon Gruden saying "I'll say this, we're not tanking anything!"), Steelers kicker Chris Boswell slipping on the turf and missing what could have been a game-tying field goal against the Raiders in Week 14, and the "Miracle in Miami" of the Dolphins' Kenyan Drake scoring an improbable game-winning touchdown against the Patriots in Week 14.
  • This intro is later amended in Week 4, replacing Parkey's "double doink" with Matt Gay's missed field goal at the end of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' game against the New York Giants (captioned YOU HAPPY, CHICAGO?) and adding the NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU, PATRIOTS caption to the Miami Miracle.
  • It is amended again for Week 5. The Matt Gay miss is accompanied by a sound clip from Washington Redskins' team president Bruce Allen stating "The culture is damn good," followed by a new clip of a Detroit Lions player ripping the helmet off the Philadelphia Eagles' Miles Sanders (accompanied by the viral clip of a Philadelphia resident saying "we was catching them, unlike [Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Nelson] Agholor."
  • Week 7 replaces Chris Boswell's blocked field goal with the Miami Dolphins' failed two-point conversion attempt at the end of the last week's game against the Washington Redskins, and adds a soundclip of the New York Jets' Sam Darnold's "seeing ghosts" comment.
  • Week 9's intro introduces clips of Adam Vinatieri's shanked field goal against the Pittsburgh Steelers replacing the Matt Gay miss; and the black cat running into the end zone at the New York Giants-Dallas Cowboys game replacing the Miami Miracle.
  • Week 11 replaces the Miles Sanders helmet rip with footage of the Myles Garrett-Mason Rudolph brawl.
  • Week 12 splices footage of the Carolina Panthers' Joey Slye missing a potential game-winning field goal against the New Orleans Saints in place of Vinatieri's miss; and adds footage of Cleveland Browns fans throwing a Pittsburgh Steelers helmet at a piñata version of Mason Rudolph in place of the Dolphins' failed conversion attempt.
  • In Week 13, the Rudolph-Garrett brawl is replaced with footage of the Miami Dolphins' game winning touchdown against the Philadelphia Eagles.
  • Week 14 brings in the San Francisco 49ers' George Kittle dragging two Saints defenders along in place of the Joey Slye miss.
  • Week 15 adds a soundbite of the coin toss confusion at the beginning of the Dallas Cowboys-Los Angeles Rams game.
  • Week 16 brings in footage of the Kansas City Chiefs Harrison Butker double-doinking against the Chicago Bears.
• Quarterbacks who have turned into godsends for their teams are treated as if their performances on the field are sacred scriptures ("All rise for testimony from the book of [e.g. Carson Wentz, Jimmy Garoppolo]"), while the "Temple of Time" theme plays over the segment.

NFL Week One (2019)

• The Ravens/Dolphins matchup does not get the typical snarky commentary. Instead...
  Caption: SHITPOSTING UNITED PRESENTS
  THE DOLPHIN KILLERS OF MARYLAND
  [a selection of highlights from the Ravens' 59-10 drubbing of the Dolphins, with classical music ("Vesti la giubba" from Ruggero Leoncavallo's Pagliacci) overlaid on the TV commentators and three clips overlaid one after another, one of Ray Finkle's room of vandalized Dolphins memorabilia, another from the South Park episode "Whale Whores" where the Dolphins are killed by Japanese fishermen, and archive footage from Super Bowl VII where the Dolphins' placekicker Garo Yepremian turns the ball over to the Washington Redskins' Mike Bass, who would return the ball for a touchdown]^note Although the Dolphins still won, Yepremian's gaffe is still regarded as one of the worst mistakes in a Super Bowl, and it prevented a potential cherry on the sundae of the Dolphins' perfect season: a 17-0 scoreline to match their 17-0 record. Instead, the final score was Miami 14, Washington 7; it remained the lowest-scoring Super Bowl until 2019.
  Mike Florio^note NFL analyst for NBC Sports.: Multiple players got their agents on the phone after today's loss and said "Get us out of here. We want to be traded, we don't want to be part of this effort to tank for Tua Tagovailoa or whoever the Dolphins would take."
  Headline: REPORT: MULTIPLE DOLPHINS ASKED AGENTS TO DEMAND TRADE AFTER RAVENS' BLOWOUT LOSS
  Caption: FIN
  UT: You know how you were going to have a long season, Miami? Multiply that length by at least five.
  Caption: SOME FINE BULLSHIT YOU HAVE DOWN THERE
  Headline: MIAMI DOLPHINS COACH BRIAN FLORES: 'I HAVE A GOOD TEAM'
  UT: God this team is trash.
• After last season's Buffalo Optimism Meter, Tree has a new device to measure the performance of one of their division rivals - who happen to be playing the Bills:
  UT: I feel like this is the time for glaring at the Jets. Despite their godawful off-season they have some optimism with the talent they've brought in. They're playing a fellow rebuilding compadre in the Bills which will be a good gauge of where they're at. I have purchased a Buttfumble Detector [a graphic of a smoke alarm with a Jets logo appears top left, accompanied by the "Perfect" Special Stage jingle from Sonic the Hedgehog 3] in the hopes that it will not flare up in this game. Checks and balances are a good thing. So far, it appears that New York is in control, but more because Josh Allen and Bills receivers can't stop turning over the damn ball. Despite the offence stalling, the new defense brings MetLife Stadium joy. Perhaps new kicker Kaare Vedvik will do the same.
  Headline: JETS CLAIM KAARE VEDVIK, CUT TAYLOR BERTOLET IN KICKER SHAKEUP
  [Vedvik kicks for an extra point after the first touchdown... and the ball goes wide left. The Buttfumble Detector starts shaking and beeping]
  UT: Of course. I mean, come on, the Bills have had four turnovers and you've barely done anything with them! At least kick a field goal? [Vedvik's attempt goes wide right; the Buttfumble Detector shakes and beeps again]
  Headline: JETS SIGN NEW KIKCER AFTER HOSTING TRYOUT, WAIVE KAARE VEDVIK FOLLOWING TWO WEEK 1 MISSES
  UT: Perhaps you shouldn't have cheaped out on the Pro Bowl kicker, Jets. Look, you may be fucking up but Buffalol isn't doing anything. You have a 16-point lead while barely even trying. As long as the defense still clicks, you're good.
  Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!", stock groan of agony, and more shaking and beeping from the Buttfumble Detector] AFTER C.J. MOSLEY LEAVES WITH GROIN INJURY, JETS FALL APART
  UT: Oh, God! It's at this point where the Bills break the chains and unlock their offensive ability. In one of the more Jetsiest games we've seen, Buffalo surges back for 17 unanswered points when they looked dead in the water. Who knew that a defense without their leader and an anorexic offence force-feeding Le'Veon Bell would lead to disaster? [as John Brown catches a pass from Josh Allen for the winning touchdown for the Bills, the Buttfumble Detector shakes and beeps once again, continuing throughout the rest of the segment] I am outright shocked that this Buttfumble Detector is going haywire as I speak. Jets fans, here's a lesson for you: don't get hyped. This team will always deflate them. [Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"]
• The Steelers' season gets off to a disastrous start with a 33-3 loss to, yes, the Patriots. Tree offers a teaser for the upcoming full-length evisceration of Pittsburgh's performance in the return of the Days of Our Steelers:
  UT: [over footage of the Patriots' Super Bowl LIII championship banner being unveiled] We now go live to Pittsburgh to gauge the fan reaction to this game and activities.
  [aerial shot of Point State Park (with Heinz Field just out of frame to the left), accompanied by a very long Stock Scream of horror]
  Caption: PITTSBURGH SALT LEVEL
  [ding!] POTATO PATCH FRY SEASONING
  UT: I need another video to dissect how shit the Steelers were. I want to die. That is all.

NFL Week Two (2019)

• The Steelers look to redeem their Week 1 loss to the Patriots, but during the first half, a certain "Captain" falls...
  UT: Unlike last week, this game is the true test for the Steelers: an equal opponent in Seattle at home. Even with the offense struggling early, I have confidence that they will pull through in the end.
  [A Sickening "Crunch!", a scream, and a loud gong sound in unison as Ben Roethlisberger gets injured]
  Headline: STEELERS' BEN ROETHLISBERGER (ELBOW) OUT FOR THE YEAR
  UT: I need to separate this again, God damn it.
• The Buttfumble Detector gets another workout when the Browns visit MetLife Stadium looking for redemption after getting smeared 43-13 by the Titans in Week 1.
  UT: J-E-T-S Jets football on a nondescript Monday night. You know what this means: bring out the Buttfumble Detector. [said item appears top left with its usual jingle] After last week's Jetting of potential winning, this game comes with added challenges.
  Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] JETS' C.J. MOSLEY, QUINNEN WILLIAMS OUT VS. BROWNS WITH GROIN, ANKLE INJURIES
  UT: Your defensive stalwarts C.J. Mosley and Quinnen Williams are out with injury. Sam Darnold to the rescue? Not today.
  Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] SAM DARNOLD OUT INDEFINITELY WITH MONO
  UT: He has been stricken down with mononucleosis for an uncertain period of time. [which is enough to set off the Buttfumble Detector] Even bacteria knows a buttfumble when it sees one. Let's cut to the chase, this game isn't even close from the get-go. The Browns didn't even do that well, but it didn't matter. The Jets offence was somehow even flatter than last week.
  Headline: FORMER BRONCOS QB TREVOR SIEMIAN TO START FOR NEW YORK JETS IN WEEK 2
  UT: Trevor Siemian was thrust into action and showed his rust early.
  Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!", Stock Scream of pain] JETS QB TREVOR SIEMIAN OUT FOR SEASON WITH ANKLE INJURY
  UT: At least until the football gods had enough and struck him down with injury as well. Prepare for third stringer Luke Falk.
  Headline: [as the Buttfumble Detector goes off again] LUKE FALK TAKES OVER AS JETS STARTING QUARTERBACK
  UT: This is gonna be another long season, ain't it. Le'Veon Bell was out here trying to Rambo the entire defense, yet there's nothing else around him. The Jets are buttfumbling their way to Tank Bowl territory, it's that bad for them. Once again, Cleveland wasn't overly impressive, but they had a pulse. It was all they needed to beat this team. With their upcoming schedule, the Jets could realistically go 0-6.
  Caption: THEY WILL PLAY THE PATRIOTS TWICE, THE COWBOYS, AND THE EAGLES
  UT: [as the Buttfumble Detector goes off again, continuing throughout the rest of the segment] That tank might be getting fierce.
  Headlines: JETS' JAMAL ADAMS CONFIRMS HE WAS BENCHED IN MONDAY NIGHT BLOWOUT VS. BROWNS
  JAMAL ADAMS UNFOLLOWS JETS ON INSTAGRAM
  UT: Wouldja look at that, you've pissed off Jamal Adams and he may want out of this shithole.
  Caption: NOT A DYNAMIC PLAYER, EH, GREGG WILLIAMS?
  UT: Can I somehow amplify this Buttfumble Detector?

NFL Week Three (2019)

• What happens when one of the most common matchups of Thursday Night Football in the last few years - Titans vs. Jaguars - comes up again on the broadcast? Tree uses it as a chance to make fun of the whole concept of TNF in the first place:
  UT: [in an announcer's voice] Do you like trash? Is there nothing that get you more excited than getting cock-blocked by penalties? Then welcome to the Thursday Night Invitational! Tennessee vs. Jacksonville! Because what other NFL teams would be willingly be regulars to this ill-concieved cash grab? All of your favorite time-wasters are here! Screen passes! Near-unplayable field conditions!
  Caption: THREE DAYS REST!
  UT: Terrible roughing-the-passer calls! [over a Tom Brady tweet complaining about the penalties] Here's Tom Brady's seal of disapproval! Is that the power going out again? No, that's just the Tennessee offense sucking air! Tough choices: do you choose between Marcus Mariota...or the white Marcus Mariota?
  Caption: FREEDOM OF CHOICE!
  Headline: MIKE VRABEL: RYAN TANNEHILL WON'T REPLACE MARCUS MARIOTA DESPITE WEEK 3 LOSS
  UT: Fourth down decision time, Vrabel! You... [in his regular voice] ...you're gonna go for it on the 4th and six? Perhaps get a line next time, buddy. [back to announcer voice, over interview footage with Jaguars quarterback Gardner Minshew] Look at this piece of man: Gardner. Minshew.
  Headline: GARDNER MINSHEW GETS BIZARRE $1 MILLION OFFER FROM PORN SITE
  UT: [over footage of Minshew's touchdown pass to DJ Chark] He threw a pass. I repeat, he threw a pass. Holy fucking shit.
  Caption: TIME FOR THE NFL WORLD TO OVERHYPE HIM TO HELL LIKE EVERY OTHER YOUNG QB
  UT: This is no contest, but let's drag everything out because we hate you and Jalen Ramsey's gonna be gone soon.
  Headline: JALEN RAMSEY NOT PRACTICING WITH JAGUARS DUE TO ILLNESS, AS TRADE REQUEST STILL LINGERS
  UT: Congratulations, you've suffered an injury!
  Headline: TITANS QB MARCUS MARIOTA SACKED NINE TIMES IN LOSS TO JAGUARS
  UT: Thursday Night Football! Only on the NFL Network! Your cable provider probably dropped it like Dede Westbrook.
• The Buttfumble Detector gets a week off, even though the Jets are playing the team against whom they committed the Buttfumble in 2012. The game itself is typically lopsided:
  UT: [game show host voice] New England! Congratulations! You're today's recipient of a free win!
  Caption: [flashing, accompanied by the "win" bell from The Price Is Right] FREE WIN!!!
  UT: That's right, a free win! [sound of children cheering] You get to play at home against a perennial doormat in the New York Jets! Look at how they'll pretend to hype this matchup as a clash of QBs selected with a 199th pick!
  Headline: LUKE FALK FOLLOWS IN FOOTSTEPS OF IDOL TOM BRADY, GOES TO TITANS WITH PICK NO. 199
  UT: That's the only way these two will be compared. It is a stomping of all things Jets. The offence quashed, the defense emasculated, the coaching staff bug-eyed and regretting their life choices. Don't worry, Jets, you're not in a nightmare, you've been dead for years! We'll see you again in a few weeks for another ass-kicking!
• For the first time in over a year, Days of Our Steelers is nowhere to be seen. Unfortunately, this doesn't herald a return to form:
  UT: [as "Pennsylvania Polka" plays in the background] Sports philosophers and shitposters from across the land analyzing this game will be perplexed at the findings.
  Caption: [as 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo misfires a pass straight to Steelers linebacker T.J. Watt] THANKS FOR THE FREE PICK, SIR.
  UT: They will gaze at the final results and come to one conclusion: how do you force five turnovers in a game and still not win? The Steelers were the lucky recipients of letting golden opportunities pass them by. Not as if they were passing further than ten yards in most cases. The offensive playcalling was, for the most part, predictable and spineless. San Francisco was mostly sitting on the run most of the time.
  Caption: [Steelers WR Johnny Holton runs for a 9-yard gain] THIS WAS THE BEST OFFENSIVE PLAY OF THE FIRST HALF. YEAH.
  UT: Why do you waste the valiant efforts of that defense?
  Caption: [Garoppolo throws an incomplete pass to running back Jeff Wilson] ERROR: KYLE JUSZCZYK'S STIFF ARM FOOTAGE NOT FOUND
  UT: Of Minkah Fitzpatrick's greatest game as a professional? Only six points off five turnovers. It was only a matter of time before the Niners woke up, and they eventually did. [49ers WR Richie James, Jr. loses control of the ball on the Steelers' 7-yard line, and Watt recovers it] Even as they fumbled near the goal line - again - the Steelers merely returned the favor in prime field position.
  Caption: [sure enough, Steelers running back James Conner loses control of the ball, and 49ers defensive tackle DeForest Buckner recovers it] WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE STEELERS O-LINE?
  UT: They only had about two good offensive plays. It was that bad. An 0-3 start with a team that can't tank because they traded their first round pick. As a salty yinzer, I am starting to shit myself.
  Headline: STEELERS REPORTEDLY TRADE 2020 FIFTH ROUND PICK TO SEAHAWKS FOR TIGHT END NICK VENNETT
  Caption: PICTURED: DESPERATE MANAGEMENT
  UT: Blood pressure's starting to rise.
• The Stinger deviates from its usual game highlight to show footage of a Philadelphia resident who helped to catch babies out of a burning building, saying "we was catching them, unlike [Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Nelson] Agholor."^note Agholor had fumbled a pass in the second quarter of that week's game against the Lions, who recovered the ball and went on to kick a field goal.
  Caption: NEVER CHANGE, PHILLY. NEVER CHANGE.

NFL Week Four (2019)

• The Buttfumble Detector gets another week off thanks to the Jets being on their bye week, but after a 3-0 start for the Bills, the Buffalo Optimism Meter is back! The uncharacteristically listless Patriots and a strong defensive stand cause the meter to rise and fall repeatedly, but the end result is sadly inevitable:
  UT: It's that time again, boys and the three girls watching, to whip out the Buffalo Optimism Meter for another year of false hope! [this time, the caption below the Bills logo in the top right reads "BUFFALO OPTIMISM METER 2019.3.0"] At this point in time, the readings are well over 100%.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [ding!] 125%
  UT: A 3-0 start, the rebuild is going well, Josh Allen hasn't shit himself on the field. Unfortunately, then you realize that that record is only due to weak opponents.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [fart noise] 110%
  UT: We very slowly learn yet correctly assume that Josh Allen isn't the greatest decision maker when it comes to throwing a football.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [fart noise] 90%
  UT: Turnovers are gifted to the Patriots to run away with the game. Yet they never do.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [ding!] 110%
  UT: The Bills defense puts up an outstanding performance in front of the Mafia.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [ding!] 140%
  UT: Tom Brady unable to gain traction, momentum gained for the overall objective of victory.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [ding!] 170%
  UT: Yet they never capitalize.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [fart noise] 120%
  UT: It is frustration played out on a field of well-manicured grass.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [fart noise] 90%
  UT: They get so close to finally overcoming their demons.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [ding!] 100%
  UT: Only to succumb to them over and over again.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [fart noise] 80%
  UT: Even worse, they'll have to do it without their prize goose, Josh Allen.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [fart noise] 50%
  Headline: BILLS' JOSH ALLEN SUFFERS HEAD INJURY VS. PATRIOTS; REPLACED BY MATT BARKLEY
  UT: He was killed by means of the NFL giving no fucks about player safety.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [fart noise] 35%
  UT: Matt Barkley will have to be the one to get them past this hell.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [fart noise] AT LEAST IT'S NOT PETERMEME?
  UT: He's doing well to start, he even gets them a shot at redemption.
  [with the score 16-10 to the Patriots just over four minutes into the fourth quarter and the Bills at 4th and Goal on the Patriots' 3-yard line, Barkley tries firing a pass to WR Zay Jones in the end zone, but he can't quite get his hands on it, and the ball is recovered by Patriots safety Patrick Chung]
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [fart noise] WHERE IS TRENT EDWARDS?
  UT: They fail.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [fart noise] E.J. MANUEL? ANYONE?
  UT: Even then, New England still can't gain traction against the suffocating might of the Bills defense.
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [ding!] PLZ BARKLEY DON'T FUCK UP
  UT: All they need is one drive. One push and glory is theirs.
  [with a minute and a half to go and the Bills at 3rd and 9 on the Patriots' 39-yard line, Barkley tries to pass to WR John Brown, but the Patriots defense smother him into misfiring the pass to Patriots linebacker Jamie Collins, who returns it for an 11-yard gain]
  Buffalo Optimism Meter 2019.3.0: [fart noise] OH GODDAMNIT
  [fart noise] I ONLY DESIRE SWEET, MERCIFUL DEATH
  UT: [over the Sonic the Hedgehog "Game Over" jingle] And with that, your chance of being the heroes we need is gone. Don't worry, Josh Allen would have been just as awful in this scenario.
  Caption: [at an angle in the top left] PURE AGONY 11/10 PAIN
  UT: See you in Foxborough for another wasted defensive effort!

NFL Week Ten (2019)

• The Jets vs. Dolphins game winds up being so notoriously bad that Tree gives it its own video: calling it "The Greatest Game."
  • There are several skits throughout that involve Kelechi Osemele and his nagging shoulder issues to which the Jets are...less than sympathetic...
    Kelechi: Hey, can I talk to you guys for a moment?
    Jets: Okay, I guess we can take a second to talk with a struggling lineman...
    Kelechi: My shoulder's been really hurting for a while now, and I think it may be serious.
    Jets: Uh-huh, what's your point?
    Kelechi: Can the doctors take a look at it and see if anything is wrong?
    Jets: What are we, a charity—fine, we'll have someone look at you.
    Jets' Doctor: Kelechi! How are ya, chum?
    Kelechi: I'm...okay?
    Jets' Doctor: Open wide!
    Kelechi: Ahhhhhh—
    Jets' Doctor: He's fine! Good to play football!
    Kelechi: What—you didn't even look!
    Jets' Doctor: Hey, buddy, they don't pay me to be thorough; they pay me to get results!
    Jets: Exactly. You're okay. Get your ass back on the field.
    Kelechi: You guys are idiots.
  • Then at around halftime, the drama continues to "In the Hall of the Mountain King"...
    Kelechi: I went to an indepenent doctor for a second opinion. They said there's a serious issue and I need surgery.
    Headline: JETS IN ESCALATING FEUD WITH KELECHI OSEMELE OVER SHOULDER SURGERY
    Jets: What did we tell you about going outside the organization?
    Kelechi: You told me nothing! They've examined me and say that there's an issue!
    Jets: Are you fucking kidding—
    Kelechi: No, of course not!
    Jets: We had our doctors give you an intensive physical and say that everything was fine.
    Kelechi: You call that an examination?! You sent blank MRIs to the doctors!
    Headline: JETS SENT DOCTORS MRIS OF KELECHI OSEMELE'S SHOULDER, BUT THEY WERE BLANK
    Jets: Yeah, well, mistakes happen. You can deal with it or be fined for every week you miss.
    Headline: JETS FINE KELECHI OSEMELE FOR NOT PRACTICING THROUGH TORN LABRUM, REPORT SAYS
    Kelechi: WHAT?!
    Jets: You heard what I said! You don't have a problem! Now if you don't get back on the field, you're not getting paid!
    Kelechi: This is ridiculous...
    Jets: Okay, fine, we'll compromise...
    Headline: JETS INJURY REPORT: CJ MOSLEY, KELECHI OSEMELE OFFICIALLY DOUBTFUL FOR SUNDAY VS. EAGLES
    Jets: ...we'll put you as "doubtful" for next week's game.
    Kelechi: "Doubtful"?! I'm getting surgery on it soon!
    Jets: That's an unexcused absense.
    Headline: SOURCE: KELECHI OSEMELE'S TRIP FOR SURGERY IS UNEXCUSED ABSENCE
    Kelechi: Seriously?!
    Jets: Our doctors graduated from Long Island Community College; they're the best we can get. If they think you're fine, you're fine.
    Headline: KELECHI OSEMELE TO HAVE SEASON-ENDING SURGERY DESPITE JETS' DOUBTS
    Kelechi: Fuck this!
    Jets: THAT'S A FINE.
  • And it closes out the video on the aftermath of said surgery...
    Jets: So, Kelechi, have you learned your lesson about being too paranoid?
    Kelechi: I need to talk to you.
    Jets: You got the damn surgery, didn't you...you went over the team!
    Independent Doctor: The operation was a complete success, but the damage to his shoulder was far more severe than we first anticipated.
    Jets: Sounds like bullshit, but go on.
    Independent Doctor: Any more football done to it and his career may have been jeopardized. You sure you thought he was okay?
    Jets: Look, we have real players to deal with here. We have a team that's terrible and a quarterback that sees the dead. God forbid we make a minor clerical error!
    Independent Doctor: ..."minor clerical error"?
    Headline: KELECHI OSEMELE, NFLPA MAY TAKE "ACTION" AGAINST JETS' TEAM DOCTOR AFTER SURGERY
    Kelechi: I'm gonna take this to the NFLPA. Your negligence has given me a nice case against your bullshit—
    Jets: Alright! That's it! We've been more than reasonable in catering to your whining and entitlement! You're finished here, Kelechi!
    Headline: JETS CUT KELECHI OSEMELE AFTER DISPUTE OVER WHETHER HE NEEDED SHOULDER SURGERY
    Jets: Get out of this office!

NFL Week Thirteen (2019)

• A game between the 4-7 Buccaneers and 4-7 Jaguars is introduced as "Florida Man: The Game".
• A moment in college football's Egg Bowl^note The rivalry between the Ole Miss Rebels and the Mississippi State Bulldogs. causes Tree to bring back the Lolcow of the Week.
  UT: Elijah Moore of Ole Miss, a lesson that you keep yourself disciplined when the game is on the line. In the Egg Bowl, bragging rights are paramount. On the road, Ole Miss is down by seven, but look at them go down the field. Elijah Moore is the hero as [he scores a touchdown, and celebrates by imitating an urinating dog] — wait, no, Elijah, NOOOO!!!
  [a Scare Chord and referee whistle blow as a yellow flag flies on screen]
  UT: He became a fucking idiot. His selfish antics resulted in a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. Wouldn't you know it, those penalty yards result in the kicker missing the extra point. Mississippi State wins the game. Elijah congratulations. Your celebration cost your team everything and may have gotten your coach fired. If there's justice, his scholarship will be ripped up and peed on. Preferably in front of his family. Hey I'm a vindictive asshole, you should expect it by now.

NFL Week Sixteen (2019)

• This week's edition of "SUPER TANK BOWL II" — so long it got its own video — was between the 1-13 Bengals, who would clinch the season's worst record and #1 pick in next year's draft with a loss, and 3-11 Dolphins, whose management had openly given up on competing the entire season. The Dolphins hold a 35-12 lead early in the fourth quarter before, in UT's words, Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton "was given the arm of Zeus" and led them to three touchdown drives plus two 2-point conversions to tie the game at the end of regulation. Overtime begins with both teams unable to score on each of their first two possessions, and with only a few minutes left, UT hypes himself up on the prospect of the game between two terrible teams ending in what he considers a fitting tie...until the Dolphins put together a drive that gets them into field goal range. UT can do naught but lose his shit in his narration as he sees it all unfold.
  UT: Miami just has to...Dolphins, no! STOP! STOP! Don't ruin this beautiful moment for us — I swear to God if you — [Record Needle Scratch as Dolphins win on a field goal as time expires] GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! YOU'VE RUINED THE GREATEST OUTCOME POSSIBLE! You guys can't even tank right — you've ruined it, you've ruined it all!

NFL Week Seventeen (2019)

• KTO makes a guest appearance to describe his beloved Browns:
  KTO: Y'know what, I'm an optimistic fan. I think the state of Ohio is gonna see some good football in the coming years. Even though the season ended on a disappointing note, I thought they fought hard- Oh wait, I thought you wanted me to talk about Ohio State. The Battle of Ohio? The only thing this shit show of a game ever tells us is who is closer to being fired. This time, Cleveland received the honor. We finally got rid of Freddie Kitchens! [a headline appears]
  Caption: PITTSBURGH SURPRISINGLY DIDN'T START THIS
  KTO: Now we can get a real head coach as long as Dorsey doesn't hire another- [breaking glass, a headline of GM John Dorsey getting fired after only two seasons] Wait, Dorsey's gone too? What the fuck! Dammit John, why'd you have to be an egotistical prick? Fuck you, Jimmy Haslam, sell the goddamn team!
  Caption: LAUGHS IN FLYING J
• When going over the 8-7 Titans, especially since the Steelers and Raiders both failed to win their games and got eliminated as a result:
  UT: I'll skip the whole hoopla and buzz, the Titans have made the playoffs by default with the Raiders' and Steelers' losses.
  TENNESSEE TITANS: PLAYOFF BOUND! [a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]
  UT: That's fine, no one cares. Houston doesn't either. They're resting key starters for this matchup, bringing us a union of Sportsball and A. J. McCarron. It wasn't much of a relationship before, and it shows here. Tennessee had some things to play for, and did just that. Derrick Henry was his usual wrecking ball self. Tannehill laughs at Miami while he revives his career. It is enough to win the true prize for these hardened warriors:
  TENNESSEE TITANS: 9-7! [a graphic of confetti appears and a cheap noisemaker sounds]
  UT: It is the reward that keeps on giving: death, taxes and the Titans going 9-7, all constants of life as of late.^note 2019 marked the fourth season in a row the Titans finished the regular season with that record, and it's also the second time in three years they made the playoffs with that record. It's more reliable than time itself. I'm that confident!
• All the Cowboys needed to (unimpressively) win the weak NFC East division was to beat the Redskins and have the Eagles lose to the Giants. The Cowboys did win as they were supposed to do, but...
  UT: So the Eagles won, eh? [starts to crack up] You know what your punishment is for colossal failure!?
  DALLAS COWBOYS: ELIMINATED! [a Stock Scream can be heard over black spit being thrown on the team logo, as UT laughs hysterically over the whole thing and he can also be heard mockingly letting out a "HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS?!" in the background]
  

Days of Our Steelers - 2019 Season

With Antonio Brown and Le'Veon Bell both gone, most of the drama was gone to UT's relief. However, a few episodes were made in the event of a humiliating on-field display in 2019.

D.I.V.A. - Stop the Ride, I Want to Get Off

• The sheer amount of drama surrounding Antonio Brown after his departure from the Steelers made Tree start a mini-series on Antonio. After being cut by the Raiders, AB signs with the Patriots, only to have sexual assault allegations levied against him.
  UT: "But he still has a job," you say, "He's fine!" Are you ready for some news boys? You ready? You wanna hear it?
  [The Inception bwong plays and the headline ANTONIO BROWN RELEASED BY THE PATRIOTS AS NFL CONTINUES LOOK INTO ALLEGATIONS appears as the clip of AB celebrating his release from the Raiders plays]
  UT: They fucking cut him!
  [Tree laughs as the clip of Abraham Lincoln saying "Now you fucked up!" from The Whitest Kids U' Know plays in the corner]

The Boston Salt Party

• With Le'Veon Bell now the Jets' problem and Antonio Brown now the Raiders' problem, Tree is savouring the prospect of a drama-free season. His sense of calm is short-lived:
  UT: [over footage of the Steelers' pre-season training, Ludwig van Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony playing on the soundtrack] Do you hear that? That sweet, serene nectar to the ears. No... drama. No more pain. No more anguish. No more Days of Our Steelers. I can finally relax. I can sit back... and laugh at the Raiders. He's your problem now, boys! [contented sigh] I wonder who the Steelers are playing in their first game?
  Headline: [glass breaking] NFL WEEK 1 BETTING PREVIEW: STEELERS REMAIN 6.5-POINT UNDERDOGS VS. PATRIOTS
  UT: Fuck.
• Oh well, at least Antonio Brown is gone, and his pre-season in Oakland is so drama-laden that they end up releasing him before he even plays a down, never mind a whole game. Time to indulge in some schadenfreude, right? Except...
  UT: The Steelers just won the Super Bowl and all it cost us was $21 million in debt cap! PARTY TIME, BABY!
  Narrator UT: [as Video Tree sings in the background] This premature celebration of the yinzer in his habitat, something sinister was bubbling. The seismic activity would shake the very core of his fandom.
  Headline: [Record Needle Scratch] ANTONIO BROWN SIGNS WITH PATRIOTS AHEAD OF SEASON OPENER
  UT: What?!...
  Narrator UT: The Steelers had no longer won the Super Bowl.
  UT: He signed with the FUCKING PATRIOTS!?
  Caption: HELL HATH COME TO YINZERLAND
  UT: FUCK! FUUU-
  [static]
  UT: Why does God hate us? Antonio Brown to the Patriots!?
  Caption: [over footage of Brown running up and down his back garden in celebration] I BET HE'S DOING THIS TO SPITE HIS OLD LOVER
  UT: The team the Steelers are always at least two steps behind on any given Sunday?! Do you understand they have to go into Foxborough and deal with their Super Bowl presentation, and now THIS!?
  Headline: ANTONIO BROWN WON'T BE ON THE SIDELINE FOR PATRIOTS-STEELERS
  UT: I mean, at least he won't play, but you know what? I not only hope the Steelers win, I hope they fucking crush them. Hearing their misery will warm my cold, salty heart to a boil. Do this and all the drama of the past few years will be forgiven.

Vanquished Leader of Men

• The Steelers go home and seek to rebound against the Seahawks. While the Steelers take an early lead, the Seahawks respond with a touchdown of their own. But that's not the least of their issues...
  UT: This week's matchup is at home against the Seattle Seahawks. Unlike the Patriots game, the Black and Gold brigade should have a good chance at winning. They are equals. Two hungry teams eager for playoff berths with questions to answer throughout the season. They would not be for the early part of the game. The offenses were silenced like a Pittsburgh suburb after 9 PM. May we praise Stephon Tuitt for restarting the sack machine.
  Caption: [as James Connor scores the first touchdown] I SMELL HEROICS IN THE AIR
  UT: But for this team to unlock their full potential, they must call upon the powers of a weakened legend. CAPTAIN FAT FUCK, LEADER OF-
  [A Sickening "Crunch!", a scream, and a loud gong sound in unison as Ben Roethlisberger gets injured, followed quickly by "Oh no, there's a man down!"]
  Headline: STEELERS' BEN ROETHLISBERGER (ELBOW) OUT FOR THE YEAR
  UT: Vanquished. Out for the remainder of the season with an elbow injury.
  Caption: QUESTIONABLE, EH?
  UT: I was wondering when this day would come. His body after years of taking a beating behind a pocket finally breaking down on him. But it still takes you by surprise. An era may truly be over. One of the final main characters of Days of Our Steelers falling to the wayside. And to be completely honest, I don't feel bad. I don't feel any sort of pity whatsoever. I don't even feel joy or happiness, I'm just not feeling anything right now.

Duck and Cover

• A week after being humiliated by the Browns, the Steelers found themselves struggling against a moribund Bengals team they're not supposed to, which prompted UT to make a new episode.
  UT: Couldn't this series be like the namesake it's ripping off? They at least had the decency to shut down. [a headline appears suggesting the show is getting renewed for its 56th season after all] They're back on the air again? Fucking hell, let's get this over with.

A Lump of Coal

• In the spirit of Christmas (two days before the day of the video's upload), Tree channels 'Twas the Night Before Christmas as he recounts how the New York Jets defeated the Steelers the previous Sunday.

---