Funny / Sharpe

The novels

Sharpe's Tiger

• Sharpe is informed that he's being sent on a secret mission, where he'll be allowed to desert in order to infiltrate the Tipu's stronghold. He reckons it's the ideal chance for him to desert for real and get one in on the Army, until he learns he'll also have to look after his unit's Ensign Newbie along the way.
• Lawford is mortified when he realizes that Sharpe is going to immediately take full advantage of the mission and its secrecy, bringing along his girlfriend and conning a General into giving him money to buy a lockpick he already secretly owns. General Baird, for his part, assumed Sharpe already had the lockpick but respected the ballsiness of the attempt to con him out of a guinea.
• The visual of Sergeant Hakeswell marching into combat carrying every weapon he could strap onto himself provides some levity at the character's expense,
• Col. McCandless repeatedly reprimands Sharpe for blasphemy, but after Sharpe fights the tiger and let's out a curse mixed with the Lord's name, the Colonel doesn't correct him, because he knows a prayer when he hears one.
• Sharpe, Lawford, and McCandless escape the Tipu's prison, and while McCandless is taken to Appah Rao's house, Sharpe suggests he and Lawford hide out at their favorite brothel, suggesting that one of the girls there is soft enough on Lawford that she'd take them in. Besides, Sharpe had already promised her he'd keep her safe when the assault happened. Lawford is really curious about when that conversation must have happened but decides not to press the issue.
• The Tipu has a wooden contraption, a mechanical tiger that paws at a facsimile of a bloodied British soldier, with simulated growls and groans to complete the macabre presentation. It is presented as being a quite grim thing, but after the British take the city, a gaggle of British officers are seen to be playing with it, laughing in amusement at the faux British soldier being mauled.

Sharpe's Escape

• Sharpe insists on looking inside the building a corrupt Portuguese Army Major is hovering around:
  Maj. Ferreira: The door is locked, Capitan.
  Sharpe: Then I'll break it down.
  Maj. Ferreira: It is a shrine!
  Sharpe: Then I'll say a prayer for forgiveness after I've knocked the door in.
• Pvt. Clayton tells Sharpe about the altar of the nearby monastery, which is "smothered" with painted wooden breasts as offerings. Sharpe thinks Clayton is pulling his leg, until he sees for himself. Even funnier is Wellington's commentary:
  Wellington: I doubt that Mr Sharpe needs to see replications. He probably sees more of the real article than most of us, eh? ... I can't see these things in St. Paul's, can you, Hogan?
  Maj. Hogan: They might improve the place, my lord.
  Wellington: Indeed they might. I shall advert the matter to the dean.
• On the night before the Battle of Bussaco, Marshal Ney sends an aide to Marshal Massena's headquarters to tell him the British have stopped on the ridge and are offering battle. Massena is occupied with his 18-year-old mistress, so the aide is forced to yell through the bedroom door (according to Cornwell's historical note, this really happened).
• Lt. Slingsby complains to Lawford about Sharpe's rudeness to him in the heat of combat:
  Lawford: He says you called him illegitimate!
  Sharpe: I doubt I called him illegitimate, sir. I wouldn't use that sort of word. I probably called him a bastard.
• Sharpe's stubborn refusal to apologise to Slingsby; Lawford (having been saddled by his wife with the responsibility of bringing along Slingsby, said wife's brother-in-law) believes it to be such a small thing that he is utterly flummoxed when Sharpe refuses. It gets to the point where Leroy bluntly informs Lawford that the only way they can make Sharpe apologise is by getting Lord fucking Wellington to order him to, because Wellington is the only man who scares Sharpe.
• Sharpe, as Quartermaster, first billeting known and semi-recovered alcoholic Slingsby in a tavern, then billeting Lawford in Major Ferreira's house solely to annoy Ferreira and Ferragus.
• Proper Lady and governess Miss Fry's distaste for bad language and her steady resignation to it as Sharpe and Harper swear every other sentence on reflex and then apologise for it.
  Sarah: "It's a real language lesson."
• And as the inevitable UST develops between Sharpe and Sarah, when both are mostly naked and escaping through a tunnel, and he's helped her across a gap in pitch darkness, they have a moment. Of course, there's a matter of where that tunnel is, one that makes even Sharpe think twice...
  Bloody hell, Sharpe thought. In a sewer?
• Later, when Sharpe falls into bed after spending the night on watch, he is surprised to find Sarah waiting in it:
  Sarah: And I won't keep you awake.
  But she did.
• Sharpe falls asleep on his feet while keeping watch, and awakens to find a French officer (who has mistaken him for another Frenchman) sketching his portrait. Sarah converses in fluent French with the officer, who gives her the portrait as a gift:
  Sarah: He said you were the very image of a modern soldier.
  Sharpe: That's me, a work of art.
• Lt. Jack Bullen is put in an awkward position when Brevet-Captain Slingsby, his commander, gets hopelessly drunk on duty. Among Slingsby's actions, Sgt. Read reports, is ordering a Rifleman put under arrest for "looking funny at him." Bullen assumes temporary command of the company, and tells Sgt. Read to spread the word among the men, and keep an eye on Slingsby.
  Bullen: And, Sergeant? Don't look funny at him.
  Sgt. Read: No, sir. Of course not, sir. I wouldn't do such a thing, sir.

Sharpe's Waterloo

• The night before the battle, Lord Uxbridge (Wellington's second-in-command) asks what his plans for the following day are; Wellington's curt response is that his plans are entirely dependent on Napoleon's, and since Napoleon has not yet confided in Wellington, Wellington is unable to confide in Uxbridge, "and so good night."
• While taking cover from the French cavalry inside one of the British squares, Sharpe and Harper are entertained by one particularly feisty Major, who bellows at his men to "lift your skirts so the horsemen can smell your farts before you kill them!" Later, Sharpe catches a moment with Wellington, who admits that he was in the same square earlier, when the Major was telling his men to make ugly faces at the French:
  Wellington: We should have that one added to the drill book, eh, Sharpe? "Pull faces!"
• Wellington finds it amusing when it turns out that Sharpe has been fired by the Prince of Orange, remarking that he'd basically warning the Prince that Sharpe was effectively uncontrollable (the only exception to this rule is Wellington himself).
• Sharpe is so enraged over the Prince of Orange causing his men to be slaughtered by cavalry for the third time that he attempts to snipe him from the treeline, and is elated when the Prince goes down, sure that he has inflicted a fatal, agonizing stomach wound. When he rejoins the Prince's staff, an aide informs him that the Prince was hit in the shoulder - nothing life-threatening, but forcing him to retire from the field. Sharpe curses feelingly, and the aide remarks how kind it is for Sharpe to express such compassion for the Prince, especially after all the bad blood between them. Harper, meanwhile, is trying like hell not to laugh his ass off.

Sharpe's Assassin

• Following immediately on from the last book, Sharpe ends up meeting with Wellington and Rebecque, the Prince of Orange's Chief of Staff/general minder. It's made clear in the conversation, which features Sharpe's confident barefaced lying, that everyone knows that Sharpe shot the Prince, and absolutely no one can prove it. Even better? Wellington finds it hilarious and basically tells Sharpe that it was a very well placed shot because it got the Prince off the field without serious injury and thereby prevented further screw-ups. He might have been a bit less amused had the Prince actually been killed, but even so.

The films

Sharpe's Rifles

• At the start of the show, Sharpe saves Wellesley from French soldiers. Wellesley rewards him with a field commission, describing it such:
  Wellesley: You've done me a damn good turn, now I'm going to do you a bad one.
• Hogan occasionally takes hits of what is probably snuff tobacco, but given some of his antics (like secretly shadowing Sharpe on his mission across contested Spain), modern audiences could be forgiven for assuming he just snorts cocaine during meetings.
• Sharpe trying to slap down the mutiny among the Chosen Men:
  Sharpe: You think the British Army's a bloody dem... dem...
  Harris: "Democracy", sir. Comes from the Greek word demos and means "rule by-"
  Sharpe: Shut up, Harris!
• During the No-Holds-Barred Beatdown between Sharpe and Harper, Sharpe drives Harper back with a headbutt, but is so staggered that he can't move for a moment. The Chosen Men all cheer for Harper to retaliate... instead he throws up, causing them all to groan in disappointment.
• Captain Murray's burial:
  Sharpe: Say a short prayer, Tongue.
  Isiah Tongue: Yea... I say yea. [Beat] Yea.
  • Sharpe and everyone else's You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me! look really sells the humor.
• Crossed with Awesome: After Harper kills the two French dragoons escorting the Man in Black, the latter turns his horse and rides away as fast as possible. Harper tap-reloads, takes careful aim... and shoots the Man in Black's hat off his head. When Sharpe and Co. rush toward the sound of the gunshots, they see two dead dragoons and Harper, sitting cross-legged on the hillside with the hat at a jaunty angle on his head.
  • Even better, Harper literally prances over to Sharpe to give his report, then joyfully does it again when Sharpe tells him to "fall in" (tacitly letting him off the hook for mutiny and telling him to rejoin the squad).
• In an episode, and a series, filled with Deadpan Snarkers, Rifleman Cooper gets the CMOF with this exchange:
  Sharpe: Gimme a picklock, Cooper.
  Cooper: Picklock, sir? Catch me with a picklock!
  Harper: They did, Coop. But when you got out of Newgate Prison, you got another set, and that's the one the officer wants.
  Cooper: (reluctantly hands it over) Do I get it back, sir?
  Sharpe: Trust me.
  Cooper: It's very hard to trust a man who wants to borrow your picklock, sir.
• During the final battle, this exchange from Cooper and Harris while trading fire with French troops.
  Cooper: [dodging an enemy bullet] Cheeky bastard!
  Harris: Which one, Cooper?
  Cooper: Left, three o'clock! [Cooper and Harris both shoot the French trooper responsible. Cooper nods in satisfaction] That'll teach him!
  • Also, Sharpe and Harper ducking into a church, and Harper stopping to genuflect before the altar before rejoining the fight.

Sharpe's Eagle

• Harper is mothering Sharpe, dressing a leg wound and helping him shave. Sharpe gives off the impression that Harper was less annoying when he was trying to lead a mutiny against him.
• Hogan is trying to talk casually to Sharpe, who's a little on edge.
  Hogan: Sit down, man, sit down. You seem edgy, damned edgy.
  Sharpe: [begins to sit on a stool]
  Hogan: [Bellows out to Simmerson] GOOD SHOW, SIR HENRY!
  Sharpe: [Startled, immediately stands up again]
• Sharpe is not interested in signing on to go on this mission under Simmerson's command. Hogan talks him into it by pointing out that he might run into Comandante Teresa again.
• After the Battle at Val de la Casa, Sharpe's very anxious about reporting to Wellesley, pacing nonstop in the foyer. Harper tries to calm him down.

  Harper: Sir?
  Sharpe: [pacing around] Yes?
  Harper: Permission to speak freely, sir?
  Sharpe: Yes, go ahead.
  Harper: Would you accept an order from me, sir?
  Sharpe: [at wits end] Well go on, Pat, spit it out!
  Harper: Would ya for the love o' Jesus stand easy, sir?

  • To cap it all off, we don't even get to see how Sharpe reports to Wellesley. He's already concluded that Simmerson was responsible for everything going pear-shaped, based on Hogan's report, so Sharpe doesn't even need to put his word against Simmerson's.

Sharpe's Enemy

• The Rocket Troop spend the entire morning firing at an abandoned barn. The result?
  Sharpe: Very consistent, Lieutenant. Ten salvos, and you've missed every time.
  • After that, Sharpe decides to go to the one place where he can have peace and quiet: the barn.
  • Then he and Harper eat their words when it turns out the barrage was a little more noisy and barn-rattling than it seemed from first glance...
• Later still, a rocket fails to leave its launch ramp properly, forcing everyone to take cover.
  Lt. Gilliand: Does that mean you will not be able to find a use for us, Mr Sharpe?
  [Sharpe slowly turns to glare at Gilliand.)
  Sharpe: Oh, I'll find a use for you, Lieutenant. Don't you worry about that.
• Upon his promotion to Major, Sharpe pits Perkins against Frederickson's best marksman, who proves his skill by shooting a hat thrown in the air several hundred yards away. When Perkins misses the same shot, Sharpe quickly covers by saying that Perkins is clearly the better shot - he shot through the hole the first shot made.
• Major Nairn's reading of the letter detailing Sharpe's promotion to Major is also hilarious.
  Nairn: (with a shit-eating grin throughout) "George III, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, King, Defender of the Faith..." Et cetera et cetera et cetera "...to our trusty and well-beloved Richard Sharpe, Esquire; greetings. We do by these present constitute and appoint you to be Major, in our army now in Portugal and in Spain and..." blah blah blah blah.
• Before infiltrating Adrados, Sharpe has to deal with complaints from Perkins, who is being made to wear a dress, and from Gilliland, whose rockets are being broken up to make improvised satchel charges from their powder.
  Perkins: Why can't Harris wear the dress, sir?!
  Sharpe: Harris hasn't got the figure for it.
  ...
  Sharpe: [to Gilliland] It's either that, or wear a dress, Rocketman!

Sharpe's Sword

• Harris is in the library looking for a book that could serve as a key for a message he's trying to decode. When Sir Henry Simmerson asks him what he's doing, Harris replies that he's looking for a book to wipe his bum with. Simmerson just tells him not to use anything British and suggests that he uses some French writing, tossing him a copy of Candide.
• Also, the part where Lass ejects Simmerson from the library at gunpoint while Harris, on his way in doesn't seem to notice as he's too busy reading the book Simmerson gave him.
• Then there is this exchange:
  Berkley: Have they got cannon?
  Simmerson: I have been in that fort many times under a flag of truce, and I categorically state that they have no cannon.
  (Cue cannon shell being fired from the fort and exploding near them)
• Harper's wedding. Father Curtis has been getting on at him to marry his lover Ramona all episode. During the battle at the episode's climax, Harper takes a knock and the priest tells him he will die and asks if he has any last wishes. After expressing his regrets that he never married Ramona, Harper is given a battlefield wedding. Father Curtis then slaps Harper on the shoulder and tells him to get up and kiss the bride.
  Harper: ...I thought you said I was going to die, Father!
  Curtis: Sure, we're all going to die, Patrick.
  [Cue laughter from Sharpe and the others.]

Sharpe's Honour

• Perkins Comically Missing the Point when Harper tells him that the Chosen Men are going to "join up with a man called Sharpe" (whom the rest of them believed had been executed):
  Perkins: You mean we're all gonna die?

Sharpe's Revenge

• Just about everything General Calvet says to Sharpe after taking him prisoner, but in particular his version of a "Not So Different" Remark:
  Calvet: For a change, Englishman, you and I will be on the same side. We are allies. Except that I am a General of Imperial France and you are a piece of English toadshit, which means that I give the orders and you obey them like a lilywhite-arsed conscript. So stop gawping like a novice nun in a gunners' bath-house and tell me where we're going.
• Sharpe, remembering he is a married man, manfully resists Lucille's attempt to seduce him. When he hears from Harper that Jane has left him for Rossendale, he mourns for about ten seconds, then goes to Lucille's bedroom and (literally) kicks down the door:
  Sharpe: Begging your pardon, ma'am. Your door was locked.

Sharpe's Waterloo

• Sharpe being apologetic to a young officer who'd been on the Prince of Orange's staff and had called the Prince 'a silk-stocking full of shit' after his latest cock-up had got a battalion killed - again. He'd asked Sharpe to intercede for him after telling him what had happened, then Sharpe tells him that he'll sort the Prince out... cut to a few scenes later, where Sharpe comes back, all apologetic, and explains that unfortunately, he only managed to shoot the Prince in the shoulder, rather than anywhere lethal.

Sharpe's Peril

• The ending, as Sharpe and Harper prepare to leave after Sharpe has parted on good terms with Simmerson.
  Harper: Well I have now seen it all. Simmerson calling you "Richard" and shaking you by the hand.
  Sharpe: I think I'd sooner the bastard he were.
  Harper: Aye, but if Simmerson can change, there's hope for us all.
  Sharpe: Buggered if I'm changing! Nothing wrong with me.
  Harper: Amen to that.

---