- Irene Adler handcuffs Holmes to a bedpost, entirely naked, with only a pillow covering his privates. There's a reason why it's also brilliant as the page image.
[The maid runs out of the room, disgusted]
Sherlock Holmes: [cuts to Holmes retelling the event to Clarkie] Of course, she misinterpreted my meaning entirely.
Constable Clark: Naturally, sir.
- Irene is in her hotel room when she hears a noise at the door. She rolls her eyes and opens it to reveal Holmes failing for the second time to pick a lock.
- The first time Holmes fails to pick a lock is at Reordan's place, courtesy of Watson's foot.
- Holmes having wine splashed into his face as he incorrectly analyzes Mary's last relationship and remaining completely motionless in blank shock for about a minute afterward. And then nonchalantly resuming his meal when Mary and Watson depart.
- Gets funnier via Fridge Brilliance...there's only one meal served, indicating that Holmes expected that the encounter would end with him offending Watson and/or Mary, causing them both to walk out.
- "Is that a—" "False nose? No."
- Following up on the false nose bit, the part shortly after, when he jumps out of the window doing a silly shriek and a crash is heard off-camera. He then shouts for Watson and Watson looks out of the window to see that Holmes has fallen through the roof of the coal shed. Watson proceeds to roll his eyes, shut the window, and walk away.
- Irene Adler turning the tables on a pair of would-be muggers.
- Holmes ramming the carriage of Irene's mystery employer while disguised as a hobo with an eyepatch, soot-stained teeth (by chewing a piece of coal) and disheveled clothing.
- Holmes compliments a hereto silent Watson on his value as a companion, and is then sucker-punched by Watson.
- "Why are you always so suspicious?" "Shall I answer chronologically, or alphabetically?"
- "That's not Blackwood!" Holmes' expression is priceless.
- "Now we have a firm grasp...of the obvious."
- The woman who tells Watson's future. "What of the warts? Are they extensive?!"
- Lace doilies giving up the game.
Holmes: Doilies. Watson:
Lace — doilies? Holmes
, does your depravity know no
- If you know much about the fandom, particularly the shipping: Watson to Holmes: "You look gorgeous..."
- "Take Watson." "I intend to." Followed by Holmes' scoffing.
- "I'm in the process of inventing a device that muffles the sound of a gunshot!" "It's not working."
- From that same scene, Watson opening the curtains and letting sunlight in, and Holmes yelling out in pain.
- The hammer scene. Holmes is running from Dredger the Frenchman, who has armed himself with a massive sledgehammer. Holmes fumbles around for a weapon, and produces an ordinary hammer. Both take a moment to compare their armaments, followed by Holmes pathetically chucking his at Dredger. It just bounces off and fails to fze.
- It's made funnier by the fact that the camera cuts to a side angle to make sure we see just exactly how small Holmes and his hammer are by scale compared to Dredger.
- Also hilarious is that prior to this, Holmes tries to hoist the larger hammer, only to barely lift it six inches off the ground, before scrambling to find another weapon. Then Dredger picks up the hammer like a loaf of bread.
- Holmes is transported blindfolded from the pen to the Temple of the Four Orders headquarters:
Sir Thomas: Mr. Holmes, apologies for summoning you like this. I'm sure it's quite a mystery as to where you are, and who I am Ö
Sherlock Holmes: As to where I am, I was, admittedly, lost for a moment, between Charing Cross and Holborn, but I was saved by the bread shop on Saffron Hill. The only baker to use a certain French glaze on their loaves Ė a Brittany sage. After that, the carriage forked left, then right, and then the tell-tale bump at the Fleet Conduit. And as to who you are, that took every ounce of my not-inconsiderable experience. The letters on your desk were addressed to a Sir Thomas Rotherham. Lord Chief Justice, that would be the official title. Who you really are is, of course, another matter entirely. Judging by the sacred ox on your ring, you're the secret head of the Temple of the Four Orders in whose headquarters we now sit, located on the northwest corner of St. James Square, I think. As to the mystery, the only mystery is why you bothered to blindfold me at all.
Sir Thomas: Yes, well Ö standard procedure, I suppose.
- When Irene makes a surprise visit to Holmes' room, he tries to be sneaky as her back is turned about slamming a picture of her on his desk face-down. What he intended to be subtle winds up being hilariously awkward.
- Made even funnier by the scene where she leaves and he scurries off to find where she's going but first takes the time to slam the photo down again.
- "Wear a jacket." "You wear a jacket!"
- Holmes pwns his opponent in the Curb-Stomp Battle boxing match:
[in a bare-knuckle boxing match, Holmes sees Irene and tries to forfeit and leave]
Sherlock Holmes: That's it, big man. You've won, congratulations.
McMurdo: Oi, we ain't done yet! ( McMurdo spits at the back of Holmes's head. Holmes stops]
Sherlock Holmes: [voiceover] This must not register on an emotional level. [In slow motion] First, distract target. [Holmes flicks a handkerchief in front of his opponent's face] Then block his blind jab. [blocks an oncoming blow]
Counter with cross to left cheek. [delivers a cut to that side of the face]
Discombobulate. [claps his hands over his opponent's ears]
Dazed, will attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block,
and body shot. [blocks with his elbow and delivers a body blow] Block feral left. Weaken right jaw. Now fracture
. [a cross to the jaw fractures the bone]
Break cracked ribs. Traumatize solar plexus. Dislocate jaw entirely. [two more body blows, and a right hook to the jaw hinge]
Heel kick to diaphragm. [a heel kick to the opponent's chest sends him crashing out of the ring] In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head: neutralized. [Back in real time, Holmes picks up the handkerchief, as though wiping the back of his neck, then proceeds to do all of the foregoing in approximately six seconds, and kicks McMurdo out of the ring, before calmly walking away. A Stunned Silence falls on the crowd]
Onlooker: Where did that come from?! [Everyone looks at their bets and realize that they've lost their money]
- Watson letting out the flies Holmes had spent the last six hours trapping inside a glass tube.
- Holmes' discussion with Watson about and subsequent exchange with Mrs. Hudson:
Holmes: There is only one case which intrigues me at present...the curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I've been studying her comings and goings, and they appear most...sinister...
Mrs. Hudson: [long-suffering] Tea, Mr. Holmes?
Holmes: Is it poisoned? Nanny?!
Mrs. Hudson: There's enough of that in you already.
Holmes: Don't touch! Everything is in its proper place, as per usual... Nnnnnanny...
- From the same scene: "He's killed the dog...again."
- Also from the same scene:
Watson: Holmes, as your doctor...
Holmes: [Gladstone]'ll be fit as a trivet in no time.
: AS YOUR FRIEND! You've been in this room for two weeks; I insist, you have to get out! Holmes
: There's nothing of interest for me. Out there. On Earth. ...At all. Watson
: So you're free this evening?
Watson: The Royale?
Holmes: My favorite.
Watson: Mary's coming.
Holmes: (pause) Not available.
Watson: You're meeting her, Holmes!
- Holmes after Dredger escapes and the fight in the shipyard causes a giant ship under construction to be launched prematurely: "Watson...what have you done?"
- The scene where Holmes disguises himself when he follows after Irene becomes one of this when you realise that Robert Downey, Jr. is the dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
- Holmes twice uses an electrode against Dredger.
Watson: Holmes, what is that?
Holmes: [subtitled French] I don't know.
- At Blackwood's tomb, Holmes is informed that the police are in the process of exhuming Blackwood's coffin. Said police constables are currently standing back as far from the tomb as they can, each one looking very, very nervous.
Holmes: I see. At what stage of the process? Contemplative?
- The scene in the jail where Watson and Holmes are held, in which the two end up bickering Like an Old Married Couple.
Watson: When do I complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning, or your mess? Your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?!
Watson: When do I complain about you setting fire to my rooms?!
Holmes: Our rooms.
Watson: The rooms. When do I complain that you experiment on-on my dog?!
Holmes: Our dog.
Watson: *stammering with rage* The dog!
- The same scene, later, when Holmes suggests that they go away to his brother Mycroft's estate...making it clear that he means he and Watson.
Watson: Holmes, if I were to go to the country it would be with my future wife!
Holmes: [jealously] Well certainly, if we must have her along...
Watson: No! Not you! Mary and I! You are not —
Holmes: Not what? Invited? Why would I not be invited to my own brother's country home? Watson, now you're not making any sense!
Watson: You're not human!
- In fact, any time Watson and Holmes have a Like an Old Married Couple moment probably goes here. Like this one:
Watson: Get that [violin bow] out of my face.
Holmes: It's not in your face; it's in my hand.
Watson: Get what's in your hand out of my face.
- There's a Call Back to this scene in the trailer for the second movie.
- And right before the above, this from Watson:
Not that it's any of my business, but I would advise you to leave. The case. Alone.
- When Lord Coward is trying to find Holmes in the smoke, talking about Blackwood's plans, and it turns out that Holmes has been sitting in a chair behind him, casually smoking his pipe.
- At the end, when Watson and Mary climb up the stairs and into Holmes' room to discover him hanging from the ceiling from a noose. Mary has the decency to look shocked, but Watson simply drones "Don't worry, suicide's not in his repertoire, he's far too fond of himself for that," then proceeds to poke him, whereupon it is revealed that Holmes got comfy enough in his harness to fall asleep.
- A subtle, but still hilarious moment. When Watson asks Holmes if he knows where his rugby ball is, Holmes replies 'no, not a clue' in a tone of voice that indicates he knows exactly where it is and won't be telling, and indeed may have even hidden it himself.
- Holmes and Watson are investigating Luke Reardon's house after Watson agreed to help for just ten minutes when two of Blackwood's henchmen come in, about to set fire to the place. Holmes correctly deduces what the Mooks are there to do. One of the henchmen calls for Dredger. Cue heavy footsteps approaching. Then we cut to a shot of Holmes and Watson watching as Dredger enters the room. Seeing Dredger, Holmes' expression stays pretty much the same; Watson, on the other hand...
- Holmes and Irene are about to disarm Blackwood's device when, behind them, Watson is thrown across the way. Then enters Dredger, who spots Holmes and Irene. Irene fires two shots at Dredger, the last one hitting Dredger's hat before she runs out of ammo. Dredger approaches, removes his hat and calmly asks (in French) "Did you...miss me?", taking a moment to study his hat between that last line. Holmes then matter-of-factly tells Irene, "I rather wish you hadn't done that, Irene."
- Following that, Watson grabs Dredger from behind and shouts at Holmes to "Nut him!" Holmes proceeds to run up to Dredger, jump up into the air and head-butt Dredger. Holmes then stumbles backward; the look on his face was priceless.
- And then Holmes tries throwing a punch at Dredger, only to miss, slip and fall on his back.
- When Clarkie comes by to get Holmes, Holmes asks, "What's Lestrade done now? Lose his way to Scotland Yard?"
- Following on that, after Holmes is informed of Blackwood's apparent resurrection, this exchange:
Watson: You're not taking this seriously, are you, Holmes?!
Holmes: Yes! As you should. (Watson stares and scoffs) This is a matter of professional integrity! No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell whether a man is dead or not!
- When Dredger finally takes away Holmes's newest toy:
Dredger: (in French) Run, little rabbit, run.
Holmes: (in French) With pleasure. *takes off*
- The scene in the slaughterhouse, where Holmes tells Watson to save his ammunition, then flips out and empties his gun in the direction of Blackwood's voice about two seconds later.
Watson: (with a "you have got to be kidding me" expression) What was that about saving bullets?
- During the fight scene near the end, when Holmes has a bit of trouble fighting a Mook, he shouts at Irene: "WOMAN! SHOOT HIM! NOW, PLEASE!"
- Oh, and he calls Irene "WOMAN!" again after she makes off with a piece of Blackwood's device.
- Holmes: *to Blackwood in a very conversational tone* My, what a busy afterlife you're having.
- When Holmes see Blackwood's cell covered in pentagrams and remarks "Love what you've done with the place."
- Watson's surgery with an old military man is constantly interrupted by Holmes' target practice in the other room. They've previously been discussing how Watson will be moving into a new place with his soon-to-be wife, leading to this exchange:
Patient: [Cautiously] Oh, and by the way, your roommate. Won't be moving with you, will he?
Watson: [With furious determination] No he won't.
- Clarkie trolling Sherlock on the way to Sir Thomas's manor.
- When Watson returns to Baker Street and opens the door to Holmes' room, he finds himself in the middle of a lush jungle. Complete with wildlife.
- Then, he doesn't even bother trying to find Holmes and just sits to casually read the paper and does his best to ignore the fact that Holmes is continually shooting him with blowdarts.
- And when Holmes reveals where he is and what he's wearing.
- "I'm not going out with you dressed like that."
- Holmes kills the dog. Again. Don't worry, he gets better.
- "How many times are you going to kill my dog?!"
- When Holmes and Watson leave Baker Street:
Sherlock Holmes: Watson, might I suggest we use an alternative exit?
Dr. John Watson: Is there something different about you? [Holmes turns towards the camera, revealing that he is wearing a large false beard]
Sherlock Holmes: I'm under observation.
Dr. John Watson: As you should be.
- Watson attempting to shake Mycroft's hand, only to be met with a very blunt "No."
- The lively fight music during Holmes and Simza's fight with the Cossack. Particularly the moment where Holmes crashes through a wall and knocks all of Watson's winnings to the floor, then gets up and runs off. Watson looks around and realizes that he's surrounded by hungry gamblers:
Watson: Now wait a minute. [Everyone immediately lunges forward trying to get whatever loose money they can get]
- Sherlock Holmes in drag. That is all. In fact, the entire train sequence where he bickers and wrestles with Watson, either in drag or half naked.
- Sherlock lifting his skirt to reveal a stolen grenade strapped to his groin with the pull-chain stolen from a toilet.
- The Oh, Crap moment when that one Redcoat is shot in the shoulder by Watson, and he accidentally drops a primed grenade he has already pulled the pin out of into his satchel of grenades.
- After Watson rescues Holmes from Moriarty with the aid of a very large cannon blowing up the watch tower, he's looking through the resulting rubble for Holmes:
Sherlock Holmes: Take your time.
- And a little while later, during the shootout, as the fleeing gypsies are going through the train yard:
Dr. Watson: Holmes, how did you know I'd find you?
Sherlock Holmes: You didn't find me, you collapsed a building on me!
- And just prior to all this, Moran's reaction when Watson takes off the canvas, to reveal to Moran that there is a large cannon aimed directly at his position.
- And even before that, we have Watson's brief Oh, Crap moment when he tests to see if Moran is still there with his hat - needless to say, he is.
- After Watson revives Holmes with the serum Holmes gave him as a wedding present, Holmes is a bit, well, frantic:
Sherlock Holmes: Who's been doctoring me?
Dr. Watson: I have.
Sherlock Holmes: Why is my ankle itchy?
Dr. Watson: Because there's a large piece of wood stuck in it.
- Before that Holmes frantically screaming away the effects of the adrenaline shot.
Sherlock Holmes: Watson! I had a dream. You, me, Mary, and Gladstone were there, and that satanic pony, as well — a massive fork in his hoof, and he turned on me!
Dr. Watson: You need to lie down.
Dr. Watson (very pointedly)
- The little "Be careful what you fish for" cartoon that Holmes gives to Moriarty, as well as the shit eating grin Moriarty wears as he visibly struggles to refrain from just throttling Holmes.
- The very last scene in A Game of Shadows is a twofold moment of hilarity; one, for Holmes' excellent reveal of himself, and two, the audience's reaction to seeing him in camouflage is priceless.
- Mycroft + nudity + Mary = Crowning Moment of Funny.
- Mycroft introducing himself to Mary as "the other Holmes" after she had just been pushed off a moving train into a river by Sherlock. She reacts with horror that "there's two of you?!"
- Mycroft's Spy Speak: "two nations which shall remain nameless... but I can tell you they speak French and German"
- This gem:
Sherlock Holmes: In my own defense [to throwing Mary off the train], I timed it perfectly! [Watson attacks him]
Dr. Watson: DID YOU KILL MY WIFE?! DID YOU JUST KILL MY NEW WIFE????!?!!!!!?
Sherlock Holmes: Of course not!
Sherlock Holmes: I told you, I timed it perfectly!
- The best part of that is the implication that Holmes has killed his old wife.
- "You know what happens when you dance!"
- The dancing, while Holmes downs a bottle of hooch.
- Holmes asks Watson to dance with him at the ball. Watson doesn't even blink an eye at this and immediately takes his hand. It's so they can spy on the other guests, but still.
- The humor is amplified by the fact not only doesn't Watson blink an eye, neither does anyone else despite this being 1891.
- Except for one old fellow behind them, whose facial expression is absolutely priceless.
- The awesome moment after Watson's winnings at the party get knocked to the ground and every person in the vicinity eyes them before diving madly to grab what they can.
- Two words: Hungover Watson.
- Especially the look on his face at the first bagpipe notes...
- And his little tug of war with Holmes trying to take his coat-blanket.
- And at the wedding, he's managed to get cleaned up. Holmes, however, apparently didn't even bother.
- When Holmes, Watson, Simza and the gypsies are on their way to Germany:
Madame Simza Heron: [showing Holmes and Watson their horses, to Watson] The black one is yours. The grey one is mine. [to Holmes] And this is for you. [Holmes looks uncertain]
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, hm, right! Where are the wagons?
Madame Simza Heron: The wagon is too slow. Canít you ride? [Simza turns to Watson, who grimaces, hesitant]
Dr. John Watson: Itís not that he canít ride. How is it you put it, Holmes?
Dr. John Watson: How can we make this more manageable?
[Cuts to the group travelling on horses through the woods past the camera as Ennio Morricone's theme from "Two Mules for Sister Sara" plays in the background. A few seconds later, Holmes rides by, strutting on a little pony!]
Sherlock Holmes: Where's the fire?
- Even better: he still manages to get ahead of everyone else by the end of the trip.
- Actually, ponies are more well-suited to traversing rugged, mountainous terrain (which is the kind they are going through) than horses, due partially to their lower center of gravity.
- Of course, it still went much slower. The real reason Holmes ended up ahead: He couldn't get the pony to stop!
- The horses slowing down, and one stumbling on a small cliff, then Holmes hailing them from atop the cliff where his pony has not slowed down.
- After Holmes is revived by the adrenaline shot, the very first thing he reveals is that he had a nightmare about the pony.
- Holmes fighting the Cossack:
Madame Simza Heron: Time is up. I have other clients. [Holmes gets up and starts to leave, but suddenly goes over to Simza and whispers in her ear]
Though you may not have detected the whisp of astrachan fur snagged on a nail over my left shoulder. You couldn't have failed to notice the overpowering aroma of herring pickled in vodka, in tandem with a truly unfortunate body odor. There's a man concealed in the rafters above us: a Cossack - renowned for their infeasible acrobatic abilities, and are notorious for moonlighting as assassins. So it's safe to presume that your next client is here to kill you. [smiles]
Anything else? [Simza does not answer, thinking about Holmes' implication]
No? [Holmes starts to leave, but suddenly turns around and pulls out an umbrella]
Sherlock Holmes: [voice-over; in slow-motion] First, pillage the nest. [He hooks the umbrella handle around the Cossack's knee and pulls on it, causing him to fall out of his hiding place] Clip wings. [Holmes strikes the assassin a blow with the umbrella that knocks a throwing knife out of his hand and twists it] Now, blunt his beak. [delivers hammer blows to each side of the face, then ducks to avoid a return blow] Crack eggs. [delivers a kick to the groin; the assassin pulls out a knife] Scramble. [Holmes knocks the knife aside] Pinch of salt. [jabs the umbrella into the chest, then deflects another oncoming knife] Touch of pepper. [jabs the assassin with the umbrella tip] Flip the omelet. [performs a judo throw that causes the assassin to flip over him and land on his back] Additional seasoning required. [The assassin tries to stand up but Holmes strikes him across the face, knocking him down] Breakfast is served.
Sherlock Holmes: Come with me. I need you alive. Now! [They leave the room just as the Cossack's eyes open, revealing that he is wearing protective lining]
- On the way to catch a train, in the presence of Holmes (who is disguised as a porter), Moriarty asks Moran if he has time to "indulge his little habit." Moran says "yes". The scene immediately cuts to Moriarty feeding pigeons.
- Moriarty's lecture tour is also one of these if you've read the stories. In The Valley of Fear, Holmes notes that Dynamics of An Asteroid "ascends to such rarefied heights of pure mathematics that it is said there is no man in the scientific press capable of criticizing it." So those crowds of people lining up at the book signing in Paris to tell Moriarty how good his book was and get his autograph? They don't understand a word of it. They're just trying to look smart!
- And Moriarty is presumably aware of this, since when Holmes requests his autograph he wryly asks "Have you actually read the book?"
- Moriarty's extended metaphor involving Schubert's The Trout is absolutely hilarious if you know the fourth stanza, which turns the entire scene from a cat-and-mouse-game torture metaphor into a Masochism Tango Yandere flirting metaphor.
- The moment Moriarty realises that Holmes managed to swap his notebook, full of clues related to his criminal empire, and replaced it with another notebook in which Holmes drew a shark eating a fisherman. When I saw the "Be careful what you FISH for" comment, I nearly broke down laughing.
- Especially because if you look hard enough, the shark is smoking a pipe making it clear who's eating whom.
- The conclusion to Holmes and Moriarty's inevitable final conflict is improbably funny. Holmes grabs Moriarty, Watson walks in and the three of them freeze for a split second — then Holmes and Moriarty tip neatly over the balcony into the Falls. It's a macabre version of Holmes' trademark pratfall/escapes.
- At an auction, Holmes needs to defuse a motion-sensitive bomb for Dr. Hoffmanstahl, so he gets up and says: "One million pounds! (Everyone gasps in horror and looks at him; his pipe causes a tapestry behind him to burst into flames) Oh and, uh, by the way, Fire...FIRE!"
- Holmes' note to Watson to get him to save him:
- Anything involving Stanley is hilarious.
- "Where are you going, Stanley?"
- Watson's line when he discovers that Mycroft is going to be at his stag party. In fact, not only is he the ONLY guest at the party, Mycroft's not even there for that to begin with.
Watson (Wearing a VERY strained smile): So...glad you invited your brother.
- "How dare you be rude to this woman who invited us into her tent! Offered us her hedgehog!"