Funny: Postal

  • A great majority of the phrases The Postal Dude says based on the actions the player takes are pretty hilarious. For instance, if the player just goes around murdering innocent people, he will say phrases in order to justify himself against it:
    • If the player saves multiple times in one sitting, the Postal Dude will mock you for it.
    "Are you saving again?!"
    "Didn't you just save?"
    • If you open the cheat option, The Postal Dude will call you a sissy. Clicking on a cheat also gives you the treat of hearing The Postal Dude say a random phrase:
    • The amount of variants The Postal Dude exclaims "Fuck!" is amazing.
    • Even the more disturbing of phrases he says are too ridiculous not to chuckle at:
    "I suppose it would be more politically correct to kill the women and the minorities first."
  • The encounter with the Vend-A-Cure 9000 after The Postal Dude gets gonorrhea:
    I am the Vend-A-Cure 9000. Please step forward and urinate.
    If you have a small dick, step up closer to the plate.

    The Dude just stares at the machine
    Try not to splash me.
    Dude proceeds to urinate
    Damnit I said don't splash me, impotent human. Good God that is disgusting. Thanks for the urine.
    mechanical noises from within, before the machine dispenses anti-gonorrhea pills
    Have a nice day.
  • Using a cat as a silencer for your shotgun or Machine Gun.
  • The entire encounter with Gary Coleman. When waiting in line for his autograph, the things the people say to him are hysterical. One guy greets Gary about them both going to the same rehab together, while another will scold Gary for a time they went to bar and all Gary did was hit on women. Gary will simply shrug each person off and move the line along. It's especially funny what The Postal Dude says to Gary once they meet:
    The Postal Dude: Hello, Mr. Coleman. I love Facts of Life! You ever "do" that Leather Tuscadero chick? note 
    *after signing book*
    Gary Coleman: Thanks. You can leave now.
    • It's made funnier when Gary threatens you with violence if he ever catches you selling it on eBay, which becomes a Brick Joke at the end of the day:
    Wife: Hey, did you get Gary Coleman's autograph? I can get a small fortune for it on eBay.
    The Dude: Right, a small fortune. Say, aren't those things more valuable after the person is, um... deceased?
    Wife: Yes. Why?
    The Dude: No reason. Can I borrow your computer?
  • The petition-signing mission is pretty funny, and a good change of pace from the run-and-gun nature of the rest of the game. All you need to do is walk up to multiple random people and ask them to sign the petition. However, not everyone will immediately sign it. If you ask once, it's a friendly ask. The second attempt is The Postal Dude irritatingly asking again, wanting to be done with the whole thing in general. The third time has The Postal Dude threatening the person with violence to themselves and loved ones if they do not sign the petition. Most cases, the person runs in terror at the third attempt... or kindly signs the petition.
    • Oh, and the reason for the petition? To make whiney congressmen play violent video games.
    • Paradise Lost gets not one, but two successor errands to the petition-signing. First is asking around for info about Champ on Monday, wherein the Dude shows off a picture of Champ to ask if the person has seen them... and they immediately run in terror. The Dude seems oblivious at first, but then quickly catches on. It also calls back to the petition, where the Dude tells the last person you ask to tell him if they've seen the dog in the picture, or else he'll follow them home and kill their dog.
    The Dude: Hey, if I show you this picture, are you gonna run away screaming?
    Citizen: The horror! (runs away screaming)
    The Dude: Yeah, that's what I thought would happen.
    • The second is the charity drive on Wednesday, where one of your errands is to quickly get three-thousand dollars, so the Dude runs around town with an old-time cup asking for loose change. Like the petition, he starts out asking sweetly (though dodging explaining exactly what cause he's raising money for), gets annoyed if he asks to ask a second time, then threatens them for the third time. Unlike the petition, it's almost impossible to actually make enough money normally, as the split-personality starts hinting at after you've passed around 400 bucks.
  • Immediately following the elephant-killing errand in Apocalypse Weekend, one of the animal rights activists shows up out of nowhere and declares you must be stopped. And then a rampaging elephant also shows up out of nowhere and kills him before he can do anything.
  • After The Postal Dude raids the terrorist camp, he is arrested by National Guard. Before he is arrested, he pleads to the guards: "Hey, it's not my fault. Book the kid with the keyboard."
  • In Apocalypse Weekend, after the elephant hunting mission, you are tasked to partake in a pigeon hunting mission. However, before you can do anything, the game is interrupted with a message claiming that Running With Scissors doesn't have the budget to include the pigeon hunting mission. Then the game cuts to this.
  • Every single time an NPC farts, they go "Ohhh, yeah".
  • One of the errands on Monday of Paradise Lost tasks you with investigating the Creature Control Center and Pets' kennels to see if they have Champ. The Dude will comment on each dog in the kennels as he walks up to them - including a cat ("Well, that's not right at all") and one of the gimp-suited dogs from the end of Apocalypse Weekend ("you gotta be fucking kidding").
  • Postal 3!Dude manifests himself as the voice in the Postal Dude's head and often encourages him to just be violent (for example; he tells you to just kill vendors during some very long waits). That's right, The Postal Dude has an evil voice in his head.