- Jones lampshading his Hypocritical Heartwarming treatment of Ramirez in one side-quest in Case 7, after having snapped at a suspect who insulted Ramirez for mishandling some much-needed information (which Jones himself has criticized Ramirez for previously).
Jones: (chagrined) I can't believe I just took Ramirez's defense. Oh, stop laughing, (player's name)!
- Jones' reaction to the elderly Lydia Holly's crush on him during a side-quest in Case 8, where you and he have to repair and return a set of binoculars that she accidentally dropped. Your character is implied to have asked (jokingly) if Jones intends to ask her out.
Jones: (with a horrified expression)
WHAT?! Of course not, I don't wanna ask her out! Come on, she's at least 130 years old! (scowling)
No, that was NOT funny. Just...Never mind, let's go.
- Jones' reaction, in Case 11, to your having found several critical clues in the sewers while managing to stay dry on the sewer walkways, while he himself went sewer-water-diving and found nothing.
Jones: What the...?! You're telling me that I dived into the sewers and found NOTHING, while you stay nice and dry and find all this?! Huh... (sullenly) Well, er, excellent work, (player's name)!
- In that same case, Ramirez mistakenly calls Marconi "Linguini" and "Tortellini". Marconi gets so angry at this that he spits out his gum by accident.
- In episode 13, where you have Alex analyze a disarmed bomb.
Alex: No wonder your bomb didn't blow up. It was meant NOT to! Your bomber's playing with you. If you had tried to disarm the bomb... well, let's just say you guys wouldn't be in much better shape than Harry [the victim who was blown to pieces].
- Later in that case when there's another bomb on the loose.
Jones:(happy face) Well done, (Rank) (PlayerName), you found the bomb. <beat, face changes to horrified> HOLY SH*T, YOU FOUND A BOMB!
- The beginning of episode 16
Jones: I don't care if some maniac comes after us with a chainsaw. We aren't doing anything until we finish our hotdogs!
Victim: (falling) AAAAAAAAAAAH!- [SPLAT!]
- At the beginning of Case 20, you get a package sent to you, to Jones' excitement.
Jones: Did you just hear that, [Player Name]?! People are sending us thank you gifts! I think I'm going to enjoy that! Open it! Open it!... Oh dear God! This has nothing to do with a gift! THIS IS A FINGER!
- [Later, while interviewing Jezabela, a dominatrix]
Jezabela: As for the necklace, it's quite obviousley not mine.
Jones: Come on! "Property of Jezabela" is written on it, clear as day!
Jezabela: Which means it belongs to my devoted vassal, Cherry Doll. SHE is my property, not the leash!
- For a case full of Nightmare Fuel, Case 26 has some rather funny moments in it.
- At the outset, you and Jones find the Necronomicon at the murder scene. Jones' reaction on witnessing the book's admittedly creepy design?
Jones: KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
- Later in the case, you and Jones get hold of one of the infamous Arkham Books, the Book of the Dead, which then proceeds to insult Jones. Yes, folks, Jones got insulted by a book .
Jones: So, what was the message hidden on the cover? ....."Screw you"!?!
- Much later in the case, you and Jones happen upon a clearly sleep-deprived Ramirez.
Ramirez: A zombie?! Where?! Where?!
Jones: Ehm, nowhere, Ramirez, we were just joking!
- In Case 28, Ramirez plays a prank on Jones while you and the latter are investigating a supposed Haunted House.
Jones: (clearly frightened) A gho...gho...ghost!
Ramirez: Ha-ha-ha, you should have seen your face, Jones! (player's name) didn't even blink, they're braver than you!
Jones: Very mature.
- At the end of Case 37, Jones decides to get into the spirit of geekdom by cosplaying. Unfortunately for him, he decides to wear a Wonder Woman-esque costume, for some reason thinking it's a man's costume. Despite all the snide comments he receives from his peers, he doesn't get it until he's flat out told he's wearing a woman's costume.
- In case 39, Mikhail Levin has escaped from prison. How did he do it? By dressing up as a cheerleader to get past the security cameras. The game even shows a picture of him in costume and calls him "Miss Mikhail Levin."
- It's both hilarious and satisfying when you arrest Alden Greene again in the final case. When you arrested him for the first time, he looks angry◊ and it looks like he's shouting something like Screw the Rules, I Have Connections!/Money!. But then he's been freed for no apparent reason other than (possibly) aforementioned "connections" and/or money. So once you arrest him again, it's very satisfying to see his desperate look◊ which looks like he fully realizes his connections and money won't help him escape anymore this time.
- Near the end of Chapter 9, the murderer attempted to get his sentence reduced by pleading guilty for a much lesser crime, i.e. threatening a turtle belonging to Pacific Bay PD Officer Frank Knight.
Honorable Dante: Wait... A turtle? Who submitted this charge?
- Funny thing is, despite Dante saying that this is a terrible misunderstanding of court proceedings, the plead probably works, since the culprit got off with only a 25-year sentence despite having run an illegal moonshine operation in addition to the murder.
- Russell's method of analyzing a "non-psychology-related" evidence when Hannah was temporarily absent:
Russell: Then I, er, called the bank and flirted with the cashier until she told me who the number corresponded to.
- After having Russell analyze a riddle left by the killer in Case 34, Frank wonders if the message implicates that the killer is a poet. Russell responds that anyone could've written such simple lyrics and came up with one of his own — obviously not missing the opportunity to insult Frank in the process.
Russell: So Frank is a moron, we all know this is true. It's always [player name] who unravels each clue.
- Near the end of the same case, Frank shocks the team by resigning from the force to elope with one of the suspects. Andrea's irate response was priceless.
Chief Marquez: (reading Frank's note) Oh. That little, sniveling, pipsqueak of a —
Roxie: What does the letter say? What's happened?
Chief Marquez: Frank happened, that's what! First he was born, that's the first mistake he made! Then, he became a cop, that's the second!
- In general, Lars's jokes and puns that he makes almost every time he gets an analysis. Most of him puns are really lame.
- Lars's habit of mummifying things in the Sahara Region, including an orange and even a chicken he and Angela were supposed to have for dinner.
- In Case 14, one of the suspects, a fortune-teller, attempts to get herself off the hook by being "possessed" by the victim and telling the Bureau that he deserved to die and that the suspect had nothing to do with him. It's so over the top that Marina and the player don't buy it at all.
- In Case 15, Lars decides to literally play Santa Claus and ends up getting stuck in the chimney while trying to enter the victim's house. Angela and the player have to help him out, then the two of then reminisce about how they met in college through the same situation.
- In Case 21, Jack calls the corpse the grossest thing he's ever seen "And I once walked in on my parents."
- Later he tries Puppy-Dog Eyes on Angela for some good news. This is what she says.
Jack, I've got three children and one Lars. Puppy-Dog Eyes
don't work on me.
- Jack and Lars' conversation at the end of the AI.
Lars: Well, at least one good thing came out of this case. Being so close to death has made me realize the importance of spiritual enlightenment! That guru has a point, y'know?
Jack: What?! Bro, no! The guru has no points at all! Zero points! <player> discovered that he's taking money from his followers! If the guru isn't scamming them, then I'll eat my...uh, I don't have a hat...but I'll try to take a bite out of my sunglasses!
Lars: I don't know, the guru's message rings true to me.
Jack: So help me, if you too start talking about being cleansed by that flashing light...!
Lars: Flashing light? Sounds wicked. Maybe I should read the guru's book!
- In Case 23, Angela and Lars's renewal of vows is this and a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, particularly when their kids interrupt the ceremony.
Angela: I love you, Mr. Boo.
Lars: I love you too, Mrs. Boo.
Triplets: Mommy! Mommy! Can we have some of that drink too?
Angela: No, sweeties, this beverage is fermented. You know what this means, right?
Triplets: (disappointed) Yes, mommy...it has ethanol in it and it will make us very sick...
Angela: Exactly. And I have my hands full enough with your father!
- In Case 29, when the player sees Jonah after his analysis he is revealed to have been playing hide-and-seek with one of the triplets. When she picks up a grenade, the normally stoic Jonah makes a priceless "Oh, Crap!!" face.
- In Case 33, a monkey steals Jack's shades and tries to wear them. Jack then demands the shades back because "they're part of his flirting technique."
- Something similar happens in Case 37; as soon as the team steps foot into the Madagascan forest, Jack is seen with a lemur hugging his face.
Jack: Uh, <player>, ...little help?!
Carmen: Urgh, Jack! We're not outside five minutes and already you're disturbing the local wildlife!
- In Case 39, Jack meets a rich kid who looks and acts like him; when he criticizes him for wearing sunglasses indoors and leaving his shirt partially unbuttoned, the player calls him out on his hypocrisy.
- In the Additional Investigation, Marina and Elliot discover selfies of Jonah...using Snapchat's dog filter. Made funnier by their surprise at the fact that Jonah takes selfies.
- In case 41, Carmen and the player walk in on Elliot...singing loudly with his headphones on. When they get his attention, he denies having every done so.
- Case 42 is a serious, dramatic case dealing with The Bureau mole. It also has Jack completely sloshed with a Necktie Headband. Interestingly enough, Jack doesn't wear a tie, and it looks like Dupont's
- Case 44 returns Lars to The Bureau following Angela's arrest. While it quickly turns depressing because He starts moping that his whole life is a big joke, it starts out hilarious, with Lars completely plastered and Jack acting as Cloud Cuckoolanders Minder.
- Case 45's AI has Sanjay playing a guiro, and Elliot showing disdain at it. When Elliot starts telling Sanjay what he thought of as good music, Sanjay reveals that he knows of Elliot secretly listening to Vanna Alabama when he thought no one was looking, to which Elliot simply blushes and starts stuttering.
- In Case 47, Michelle tries her hand at telling jokes. Here's her sample.
What did the scientist say to solids, liquids and gases? Does it even matter?
- There's also Jack and Michelle's Mushroom Samba in the Additional Investigation, due to mistaking a hallucinogen for coffee. Chief Ripley's reaction afterwards only makes it funnier.
- In Case 52, Jack is hospitalized due to being shot by the killer, and the first thing he does when he recovers is call Carmen while completely stoned on painkillers.
Jack: CARMEN! It's your old buddy, Jack! I was te-phe-loning to let <player> know I'm ok and I'm ready to catch the killer!
Carmen: Jack! Where are you calling from?
Jack: The hop-si-tal! I mean, the hos-pi-tal! But I'm fine, dude! I'm ready to fight bad guys!
Carmen: I don't think so. Get some rest. We're doing all we can to find the killer!
Jack: Well, keep me in the loopty-loopty-loop!
- In Case 53, Sanjay teases Elliot about listening to Vanna Alabama again, to the latter's dismay. In the AI, Sanjay decides to get Elliot her autograph, but he also ends up secretly giving her his phone number as well. Elliot only finds out at the very end of the case.
Elliot: You did WHAT?!