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Funny: Animorphs

  • This exchange between Tobias and Marco:
    Marco: Hey, Tobias, I've been meaning to ask you, are hawks like seagulls? I mean, do they poop while they're flying?
    Tobias: <Depends on who's down below. Let me just put it this way—if you get on my nerves, you'd better buy a hat.>
  • CINNA-BUNZZZZ.
  • "IT'S OAT-FREAKING-MEAL!"
    • Seriously though. Oatmeal.
    • And even Jake realizes just how stupid the plot of this book is.
      Jake: You know, from the point where Edelman said "maple and ginger oatmeal," I should have known this was going to end stupidly.
      Cassie: Instant maple and ginger oatmeal.
      Jake: Battles that involve oatmeal are just never going to end up being historic, you know? Gettysburg? No major oatmeal involvement. The Battle of Midway? Neither side used oatmeal. Desert Storm? No oatmeal.
  • Marco has dreamed of falling and landing in Mr Rogers Neighborhood. Talking to King Friday.
  • Marco's "grovelling" in The Suspicion.
    Marco: (laying on his back, hands behind his head) "O mighty Helmacron dead guy, we grovel like a video game addict trapped in an arcade without a quarter, that's how much we grovel. You would not believe the depths of our grovelry! We grovel like a guy with a large order of fries and the only saltshaker is at the table of the school bully."
    • Also, Marco discovering that the completely out of their gourd Helmacrons are all female.
      Marco: Oh man, now I'm really scared. It's an entire race of Rachels
  • Marco driving Cassie's dad's pickup, managing to hit every trashcan.
    Jake: Do you hate trash cans? Is that it? Do you just HATE TRASH CANS?
    Jake: Get off the sidewalk, you lunatic!
    • And that time he stole an Abrams tank, threatened some guy with it, and flattened Chapman's house (he needed parking space, dammit!) Let's face it, Marco Drives Like Crazy.
    • "Anybody gotta pee? Go now, cause I'm not stopping at every Stuckey's we pass."
  • Also this:
    Tobias: I'm not nocturnal. I'm diurnal.
    Marco: Have you tried Kaopectate?
  • Visser One decides to invade Hollywood, which she concludes is obviously the most important city in the U.S., because of how often it's mentioned in broadcast media.
  • "Alive. My mother was alive. I saw Rachel giving me the fish eye from across the room. I mouthed that one word: alive. Evidently Rachel doesn't read lips. She misunderstood what I'd said and responded by mouthing two words I won't repeat."
  • "Self-destruct sequence activated. T-minus-15 minutes to self-destruct. Thank you and have a nice day!"
  • Early on, while the kids are raiding a Yeerk controlled building Matrix-style, they get in an elevator in their combat morphs and a tiger, gorilla, and grizzly bear make awkward elevator small talk.
  • Say it with me, guys: Cassie skunks Visser Three.
    • And then Visser Three turns purple. Why? Because the Animorphs told him grape juice would get out the smell.
    • Before that, she got Jake's dog, Homer. Poor mutt, unlike wild animals (and humans) didn't know better.
  • "This, Cassie, is the ancient art of whittling."
  • Ax's description of one driver's reaction to Marco's driving:
    "I saw a pick-up truck, with its horn blaring and its driver forming a sort of salute with one raised finger."
  • Ax pulls out plenty of these later on in the series.
    • The men on "The Young and the Restless" do not wear shirts. I am young. And I am occasionally restless.
    "Ax?"
    "Yes, Marco?"
    "Put on a shirt."
    • I would like to shuffle my artificial hooves to the music with you. But you cannot have my body. My bod. Dee. My bo. Dee.
    • I believe the smell is causing me to become deranged. I may have to run away in panic.
    • "You do not know me," he said, "but I am a juvenile delinquent. I do not trust authority figures, I probably will not graduate from high school, and statistics say my present rowdiness and vandalism will likely lead to more serious crimes. I am a dangerous fellow, and I am causing mayhem in this store." He reached behind her and pulled three jars of baby food from the top shelf. Shoved them behind a box of macaroni. Shuffled the Cheez Whiz in front of the Marshmallow Fluff. Tossed a bag of lady's shavers onto a bag of hamburger buns. "There. I have now shamelessly destroyed the symmetry of this shelf, undoing hours of labor by underpaid store employees. If you could see me, you would be frightened."
    • I have already made sure, Prince Jake. They think I am a "pokey man." I have told them I am an Andalite and am actually quite swift note , but they insist they need to train me.
    • Ax (in human morph, of course) is in Marco's house, and Marco tells Ax he can only say "Yes" and "No" to his dad (Peter). When Marco comes back, Peter thinks Marco's friend's name is "No".
  • "Excuse me. Are you planning to have a BATTLE in my NOSE?!" It...makes sense in context.
    • In an earlier part of that same book, a damaged inches-long Helmacron ships pulls a Dynamic Entry... on a commandeered Barbie RC car.
  • Ax doing a Melodramatic Pause in real life.
  • Ax got off to a good start during book 5, when Jake and Marco took him to the mall and he discovered taste. Aste. Tuh-aste.
    • From that same scene:
      Jake: We're on schedule. So far, so good.
      Marco: Jake, can you do me a favor? Can you not say that? Any time one of us says "so far, so good", something goes wrong.
      Ax: Suh. So far so good. So far so good-duh. So fuh-far so guh-good. Good-duh.
      Marco: Oh, man.
  • Ax's first experience with chili: "THIS IS A WONDERFUL FOOD!"
  • From #27, The Exposed: The Chee can only be reactivated from the Pemalite ship, which is at the bottom of the ocean. Suddenly, the conversation takes a turn for the Seifeldian:
    Cassie: I thought that show was called Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.
    Marco: No, that was the one where Captain Nemo fought the giant squid.
    Rachel: Who won?
  • There's also when Ax informs the kids that the secret alien technology hidden at Area 51 Zone 91 is an Andalite toilet.
    • A primitive Andalite toilet. They've made significant advancements since it crashed.
  • When Marco, Cassie and Rachel are questioned by a soldier at Zone 91, and asked for their parents' phone numbers:
    Rachel: "We have to get out of here. Fast! I gave him the phone number for Pizza Hut delivery."
    Marco: "I gave him the number for the Sports Scoreboard recording."
    Cassie: "I just gave him one-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight!"
    Marco: "Eight? You gave him eight numbers? Remind me not to ever be a spy with you."
  • The Animorphs are trying to work out why the Yeerks would be interested in a meatpacking plant.
    Cassie: "Contaminate the food supply? Kill a lot of people?"
    Ax: Nonsense, if the Yeerks wanted to kill a lot of humans they could simply use their dracon beams to ignite the atmosphere.
    (Silence)
    Marco: Well. There's a happy thought.
  • In "The Sickness", Marco passes the time while helping to carry an extremely sick Jake back home by listing all the ways to say 'throwing up'. It is funnier than it sounds.
    • Later on, after all the characters have gotten over the titular alien sickness, they talk about what they did while sick. After the rest of them complain about being too sick to get out of bed, throwing up all the time, having an alien inside their head, and such, Tobias reminds them that, since he's always in the form of a hawk, and that Cassie's father, a vet, tried to stick a pill up-
      • Tobias is funny in general in that one. When he first gets sick, after being the only one besides Cassie not to, Cassie's forced to put him in a cage until her dad can treat him, next to an Eagle, which his hawk instincts aren't so happy with. We can tell he's not amused, the whole thing is hilarious.
  • The Experiment is not a well-regarded book. There are a number of excellent reasons for that. But the scene where the kids, disguised as chimpanzees, plaster Visser Three and his evil scientists with poop, while also tricking the other chimps into doing the same is solid comic gold.
  • In The Andalite Chronicles: The mental image of Elfangor driving across the Taxxon homeworld full-speed in a YELLOW MUSTANG while DRINKING DR. PEPPER THROUGH HIS HOOF and LISTENING TO THE ROLLING STONES may well be one of the funniest things in science fiction.
  • Not to mention Ax eating popcorn (including it's container) and concluding it tastes quite a bit like cigarette butts.
  • The revelation that Jake and Marco once spent several hours arguing over whether cheese tastes yellow or green.
  • In #16, where the Animorphs are trying to hide in fly morph in a bathroom. While asking where everyone is, Tobias describes a very smooth surface with a pool of water below. We barely discern that it's a toilet. Then, it suddenly gets dark.
    Marco: Caution: Falling objects.
  • In #10, Marco manages to write three pages of a term paper before coming up with a topic. "A topic will... emerge. I just have to keep writing until I come up with a topic." Jake's suggestion is "The use of rhetoric to obscure a lack of content." Made even better later on in the same book, when Marco mentions offhand that he got a B on his paper.
  • The distraction in #16. They burst out of a supply closet, and Rachel (in grizzly bear morph) proceeds to...mop the floor, while Jake (in tiger morph) carries the bucket for her.
    "Is that a bear?"
    "Yeah."
    "Is it mopping the floor?"
    "Uh-huh."
    "Have we gone nuts?"
    "I'm not nuts. It's the bear who's nuts. That's carpeted up there."
  • In #20 — The Discovery — the part where Tobias hits that window, and he starts sprouting out Clue quotes was absolutely hilarious.
  • In #20 again, Jake and Marco doing the "Beakanoma" scene.
  • In #16 when Ax says he likes the word 'millions' Rachel replies: "Yeah. It's a swell sound.Sometimes I just lie in bed for six or seven hours doing nothing but saying 'million.'"
  • The revelation of what happens when they morph smaller animals the excess of their original body mass goes floating into zero-space where aliens travel
    Jake: "And it's possible some spaceship will zoom along and hit it and splatter it all over?"
    Ax: "No, of course not."
    <beat>
    "The ship's shielding systems would disintegrate the mass."
  • "This is Aximili! Reassert your individual consciousness!" is hilarious for some reason. Marco seems to agree with however.
    • "Please make every effort not to drop me!"
  • When due to Phlebotinum Breakdown Marco morphs into a poodle-polar bear, he realizes that he has become a poo-bear
    • A lot of the messed up blended morphs from that book have funny names. At one point, a ticked-off Jake refers to a half trout, half gorilla morph as "morphing into surf and turf." At another, Marco decides that a half-spider, half-skunk morph is either a skider or a spunk.
  • The Animorphs are concerned about Amazon Cafe's use of parrots as advertisment. They come up with the solution of turning into parrots, insulting restaruant patrons and badmouthing the food
  • When the future Visser One first finds Earth, she begins investigating by picking up some of the numerous transmissions zipping around the planet... and absolutely panics when she picks up an episode of Star Trek, not realizing that it's a TV show and thinking that humans were a lot more advanced than we actually are.
  • The group takes Ax (in human morph) to see a Star Trek movie. Ax is very confused by the experience, claiming that the Enterprise is a stupid-looking spaceship ("I know what a real spaceship looks like!") and stating that Klingons are actually females of some species he has seen before. And then he gets distracted by the numerous "globules" (candies) littering the theater floor... And then Proceeds to eat off the floor, getting to the point the group has to drag him out of the theater, still trying to eat the candy off of the floor.
  • Rachel has a nightmare in which, among other things, she kills Kenny.
  • In The Separation, Erek, a member of a secret ancient, alien, pacifist android race with extremely advanced holographic technology and the appearance of large, metal bipedal dogs, who have preserved the essence of their extinct creators in domesticated dogs and participated in human society for thousands of years in secret, claims that the animorphs are simply too weird for him.
    • From that same book, the fact that Marco PHYSICALLY CANNOT STOP making jokes about the fact that there are two Rachels hanging around, even though one of the Rachels is very violent and has already nearly killed him for it once. It's a lot of joke, cringe, joke, hide, joke, etc.
  • The Animorphs' incompetent rescue of Erek while he's paralysed and his hologram's deactivated. It involves a Bill Clinton mask, Tommy Hilfiger underwear, and a gorilla wearing a homemade sandwich board advertising King Kong vs. Gudzilla.
    Erek: "No offense, but how on Earth have you people managed to avoid getting caught for this long?"
    • Rachel buys clothes to disguise Erek. When Cassie demands to know why she bought him designer underwear, Rachel snaps back that they don't exactly have a Wal-Mart at the mall.
    Cassie: Hello! He's an android! He doesn't even need clothes, except as a disguise.
    Rachel: Oh. Maybe I'll give them to Jake.
    • Rachel and Cassie are trying to drag Erek out of the store until Marco shows up when an employee gets in their way. Marco shows up behind him in gorilla morph.
    Rachel: Look out, that lava lamp is about to fall and hit you in the head!
    Employee: Huh?
    Marco: <Huh?>
    Rachel: -Death Glare- I said, look out, that lava lamp is about to fall and hit you in the head!
    Marco: <Oh, right.> -Tap on the Head-
    • Erek was good at pulling out the Lampshades for comedic effect:
    Erek: I have got to stop hanging out with you guys. You people are just strange.
  • Cassie's mom knows her daughter's favorite bands as: The Fudgies, Snoopy Diggity Dog, Boys Eleven Men, and Nice Is Neat. The last one comes from Cassie making up a name less likely to draw parental disapproval when she wanted to get an NIN CD.
  • The whole scene where Ax, Marco and Tobias attempt to acquire duck DNA. The ducks win.
  • An example that details the Two of Your Earth Minutes trope quite humorously (although this instance concerns distance rather than time):
    Ax: "...fifteen of your miles."
    Marco: "You don't have to say 'your miles'. They are everybody's miles."
    Ax: "What about the countries that use kilometers? See? I am learning!"
    • Also the fact that Ax, who often comes off as overly serious when he's not in human morph, is obviously quite deliberately keeping various running gags going.
    Ax: ...and we have seventeen minutes left in morph.
    Marco: (after a pause) Seventeen minutes?
    Ax: (correcting himself) Seventeen of your Earth minutes.
    • It says a lot about his character when Ax is sick, feverish, delirious, and quite literally dying, but still has the presence of mind to specify that he has a fever <...in your degrees.> It also says a lot about Marco when he begins to respond, despite the dire situation, "Ax, they're everyone's degrees..."
  • "Entertainment Tonight! We've got stars, alright! We'll entertain you and drain you of all of your thoughts tonight!"
    • Cue Jake smacking him in the back of the head with a pillow.
  • Marco pretending to be Cassie via e-mail in book 16.
    • Even better, Jake catching on and playing along.
  • Ax avoiding detection by Cassie's dad: "I am from Canada. I am Canadese."
  • "I see. And does a tornado have feet?"
  • From book 12, The Reaction, in which Jeremy Jason Mccole, a teen heartthrob actor intends to endorse The Sharing. At first, the boys' reaction is, "It's not as if he's Michael Jordan or Wayne Gretzky," until...
    Cassie: It would be as if...the entire female cast of Baywatch endorsed something.
    Marco (in a hushed, horrified tone): He has Baywatch-level power?
    Tobias: <Yasmine Bleeth-level power?>
    Ax: <Bleeth? Is that a word?>
  • In book 20, The Discovery, Marco has to speak to a human who isn't in on The Masquerade, while in morph. His way of going about it?
    Greetings, Earthling! Klaatu barada nikto! I come in peace!
    • And then:
    Earthling! Your son ditched school early!
  • Book 21, in which the Animorphs infiltrate a secure location by morphing fleas and riding on Jake, morphed to dragonfly.
    Cassie: Did anyone ever read the Miss Spider books? This could be Miss Spider Goes Flying.
  • Book 22, a mostly serious story, in which the side plot is that the Animorphs stop a summit meeting being targeted by the Yeerks—which they accomplish by morphing elephants and rhinos and destroying the hotel complex.
    I guess if you think about it, hanging out with a bunch of politicians talking about peace must be kind of dull. After a few days of that, maybe you kind of welcome massive, enraged animals barging through your living room.
  • All Helmacron leaders must be dead, because that way they can never screw up.
  • Ax steals the "wire that humans hang from limbless trees" for his homemade satellite dish.
  • In the book where Cassie morphs a racehorse, Marco suggests that they could bet on her and win money. At the end of the book he brings it up again.
    Cassie: [narrating] And that was when I dumped a bucket of water on Marco's head and we all went home.
  • While the book it comes from is definitely one of the more serious ones, the scene where Rachel finally reveals the truth about what's happening to her family and tries to rescue them...only for her mom to freak out, thinking the bear ate her.
    Rachel: Get it together, Mom, I am the bear!
  • The finale to the TV series (which was cancelled before getting into the darker parts of the series) ends with the Animorphs pairing up for a school dance - Jake with Cassie, Rachel with Tobias... and Marco with Ax. Marco insists on leading.
  • The Pemalite ship. Especially when it (politely) insists they leave. Visser Three is throwing a huge screaming tantrum the entire time, but the ship is nothing but courteous, and... instead of disintegrating the ship, the Visser leaves.
    • The fact that the code for entering the Pemalite ship is 'six'. Just that, one number. Oh, and the main control console is built into a tree. Even Ax, whose species lives in the open air, finds it ridiculous.
  • The Visser Three trying to decide which Animorph to kill first. <What is that rhyme human children use? Ah yes, eeny-meeny-miney-moo.>
    • Rachel's mental response: <It's MOE. Moe, you jerk, not 'moo.'>
  • The Visser's hamminess results in some hilarious-to-imagine lines, usually given to his inept underlings.
    <Did it occur to you that the Bug fighter is less than a hundred yards from here? Did it occur to you that Dracon beams travel a long way? Did it occur to you that we cannot get back to our own time without that Bug fighter? And did it occur to you that I MIGHT BE IN MORPH and that you might end up shooting me?>
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