Following the trend of awesome Scrubs rants, JD has his very own in a Season Two episode, in response to several characters expressing disgust for his hooking up with a patient's widow:
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! And shut up! Okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long! And you know what? Glare all you want, Big Dog, okay, 'cause I'm not afraid of you. Oh, no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby! That must be so hard for Dr. Look At Me! Isn't it? Look at meeeeeee! And you two? Come on, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that, ever! It can't be that you're just scared, is it? And you! You! You know what, let's just—let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone. Because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage your relationship from the outside. It really is. Honestly? The only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are! Ugh!"
When he tricks Dr. Cox and throws Cox's 'never treat people based on your own perceptions' lesson back in his face, when he outwits the Janitor for a change and traps him in a walk-in freezer, and when he finally gets to teach his teacher in the episode 'My Extra Mile'.
In My Finale when JD finally gets to hear Dr Cox admit his frank respect for JD as a fantastic doctor and his friend.
After Dr. Cox has yelled at JD in typical Dr. Cox fashion (walking around him in a circle, etc) for something JD supposedly screwed up, JD takes the patient's chart from him and gives the rant right back to him, pointing out that he did NOT screw up and had Cox read the chart properly, he would have known this. Dr. Cox gets right in his face, trying to intimidate him.
And he DOES, leaving the disgusted Dr. Cox to stomp off in frustration.
When Dr. Cox puts him in charge as an experiment during "My Butterfly," he gives Cox a string of orders while doing an absolutely pitch-perfect imitation of all Dr. Cox's condescending rants at JD, complete with Cox's unique speech inflections, verbal tics, hyperbolic suggestions, derogatory remarks about his masculinity, and addressing him with a girl's name. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Funny.
"My Cookie Pants" has another rare example of him holding his own against Dr. Cox, this time with Perry ranting about how much he doesn't care about J.D. and Elliot's relationship.
Dr. Cox: What can I say? I just wish you were at home with her.
Dr. Cox: (grits his teeth and walks away) Damn it!
Followed immediately by him giving Denise a Reason You Suck Speech, calling her out for her cold attitude toward patients.
Elliot once achieved the impossible and rendered snide, sarcastic Jordan, always prepared with a sharp, cruel put-down for everyone, completely speechless:
Jordan: Look, I don't know where your mother was when she should have been telling you all these things, but you cannot have sex with someone you care about! Sex is for making babies and revenge.
Elliot: [Under her breath] Well, you're so full of it.
Jordan: [Threatening] Listen, Stick, if you wanna wipe your nose and pretend that was a sneeze, I will play along. But if you have something to say, say it.
Elliot: [Sudden burst of courage] Everybody knows you're still sleeping with Dr. Cox! And it can't be about making babies 'cause you'd probably just end up eating them, anyway. And as for revenge, I'm just not sure that driving to his apartment and pleasuring him while he watches sports on TV is hurting him as much as you might think. So I have to figure that you still care about him, whether you want to admit it or not. [Courage abruptly fails] And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle.
There are two moments when Elliot delivered you suck speeches to Cox and they ROCKED! Specifically here and here (Around 2:15)
Elliot gets one in the first episode of the third season after getting a makeover and reinventing herself:
Dr. Moyer: MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!
[Elliot marches in dressed to the nines]
Elliot: Dr. Moyer, you're going to give Mrs. Farley the abdominal CAT scan, and I'll tell you why. You remember that colon patient of mine you screwed up on? Well, I'm going to tell him exactly whose fault that was. And then I'm going to spend every waking second helping him figure out how to physically and financially bitch slap you, even if the end result is that we both get our asses fired. Your move, Chuckles.
Dr. Moyer: [growling] Bring her down.
After preying on her insecurities, and getting her to dump Sean, J.D. decides he doesn't want her. When he tells her, we get this.
J.D.: Don't cry.
Elliot: Oh, don't worry, I won't.
She then grabs him by his collar, and tosses his ass over the dinner table. Then nonchalantly sits back down, asks for more wine, and compliments the chicken.
In My Turf War, Turk and Dr. Cox continue to pass a patient off on each other. Turk ends up becoming a Magnificent Bastard in the end, tricking Cox into thinking he performed a surgery, enlisted Kelso in his plan by "fake firing" him, and has Carla guilt Cox into a confession.
In the pilot, Carla has her own very special moment of awesome with her beautiful rant at Elliot:
"You talk like that, do you even know my name? I spend every second of my life either here, or taking care of my mom. So, yeah, maybe I needed a little closeness. I'm sure you never had a quickie at the club, right? Or snuck some skinny, flat-butted college boy up to your sorority room. And my thong? I happen to think it makes my ass look good. And some days, I need to feel good about something around here. And you judge me? Well, guess what, word does get around, Miss "Out For Herself", so you can dump on everyone here if you want; but you will not hurt me."
In the episode "My Heavy Meddle," Carla, after Dr. Kelso quashes her attempts to play Poison's "Talk Dirty to Me" to a coma patient to honor his dying wishes, sings the song to the patient herself. As with many moments on the show, it doubles as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming.
When trying to cajole a Jerkass doctor into helping with a patient, Carla looks at a picture of his son.
Carla: Your boy is adorable. How old is he?
Carla: And how old was he five years ago when you told me you were single and took me dancing?
Doctor: I'll set him (the patient) up right away.
When J.D. and Turk show up at work at the end of Season 2 after having a few beers, Dr. Cox rips them a new one.
Dr. Cox: Hey Betty, hey Wilma. Oh what the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I smell beer?
J.D.: We-We had a few.
Dr. Cox: News flash, you can't drink and come to work, you're not airline pilots!
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox-
Dr. Cox: No you look! If someone had asked me just this morning "Is there anyway I could have any less respect for you two geniuses?" I would say "No, that's not possible." but lo and behold, you went and pulled it off, congratulations. Unfortunately I'm fresh out of blue ribbons so you're going to have settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass! Go home, you're not fit to work tonight.
There is when Dr. Kelso is viciously reprimanding Elliot at the end of season 2, Dr. Cox just walks up to him and punches him in the face. The whole hospital watches in awe. It should be mentioned that J.D. is the one who talked him up to it with the line "Now if she was your daughter, you'd know exactly what to do." Then came the hittings.
Many of his speeches qualify, but a personal favourite would be his evaluation of JD:
Dr. Cox: What do you want me to say? That you're great? That you're raising the bar for interns everywhere?
JD: ...I'm cool with that.
Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna say that. You're ok. You might even be better than that someday, but right now all I see is a guy who's so worried about what everybody else thinks of him that he has no real belief in himself. I mean, did you even wonder why I wanted you to do your own evaluation?
JD: I, er, can't think of a safe answer, I just figured-
Dr. Cox: CLAM UP! I wanted you to think about yourself, and I mean really think. What are you good at, what do you suck at, and then I wanted you to put it down on paper. And not so I could see it, and not so anybody else could see it but so that YOU could see it! Because ultimately you don't have to answer to me, you don't have to answer to Kelso, you don't even have to answer to your patients for god's sake! You only have to answer to one guy, newbie, and that's YOU! There, you are evaluated... Now get the hell out of my sight, because you honest to god get me so angry I'm afraid I just might hurt myself.
And this, after he gets fed up with his interns' slacking:
Dr. Cox: First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops and let's face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see, I am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous crashing undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out, and believe you me when I tell you the next one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass out of here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five. Hahahaha-Okay, nervous guy, bring that nervous butt up here, lose the shirt - we're gonna show these good people how this thing works.
Cox solving medical problems in House homage, while supporting himself on a cane due to him having hurt his leg earlier in the episode.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah. Funny long list. We get it. You need a new thing, Big Guy.
In the episode where Dr. Cox fiddles with Kelso's treadmill to send him flying across the room, Cox later tries to sit down and watch the big basketball game, which he'd recorded on Kelso's TV. Right at the beginning, the video cuts to Kelso, who spoils the score of the game for Cox, adding "Don't ever mess with my treadmill".
"You are going to shut your damn yapper and listen for a change, because I've got you pegged, sweetheart. You want to take the easy way out with this surgery because you're scared. And you're scared because if you try and fail, there's only you to blame. But missy, let me break this down for you Bobbo style. Life is scary. Get used to it. ...There are no magical fixes. It's all up to you. So get up off your keister, get out of here, and go start doing the work. ...I'll say this to both of you. Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy."
Kelso's final line in His Story IV. In spite of being lazy and generally unpleasant in this episode, Kelso also makes an effort to take care of a patient while everyone else is tied up in petty squabbles and actually proceed to out-Jerkass Dr. Kelso by acting with hostility and dismissiveness when that patient nearly dies. He finally puts an end to their squabbles with an act of revenge that is as awesome as it is petty.
Dr. Kelso: Alright, listen up gang, I'm only going to say this once. From this point on, there will be no more employee discounts here. Everyone pays full-price ... except for me, of course.
Dr. Cox: Do you mind telling us why?
Dr. Kelso: ... Why the hell not?
Even more awesome is that he didn't do it to be petty- he did it to give the others something to pull together over because they were fighting, that thing being how much they hate him. Kind of a Tear Jerker when you realise that Kelso's seemingly pointless and mean actions are done to keep the staff together, but makes him so much more of a Badass.
Dr. Kelso's death hearing speech, before the results came in, was phenomenal. It was a perfect .
"Let me summarize it, John Dorian. The on-call surgeon was stuck in traffic. The nursing staff was busy losing money to the lottery. The original doctor was hugging a garbage man, and his covering doctor was incapacitated. So, where did that leave Mr. Farley? Dying at the hands of the interns." He may be a Jerkass but he does have a set of morals and being able to put all four main characters in their place is pretty good.
Janitor: Door is broke. Fifth time or so it won't open.
J.D.: Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: No reason.
Janitor: You stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, I was just making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there... I'm taking you down.
... This set the tone of his character for the entire series. The way in which he informed J.D. that he had found a penny was pretty awesome, too.
Or, eight seasons later, when he finally gets JD to admit that he did in fact put the penny in the door, then admits that he knows, having seen him do it. He asked as a test of character; one which JD failed. That's right: EVERYTHING THE JANITOR HAS DONE TO JD HAS BEEN JD'S OWN FAULT.
This granted, it can be reasonably argued that eight years of bullying, mind-games and vicious and even potentially life-threatening pranks over a little white lie told as an attempt to avoid trouble for a fairly minor and unintended mistake becomes a little bit unreasonable.
The Janitor's "KNIFE WREEENCH!"
The Janitor after having a particularly hard day warns everyone not to annoy him. Dr. Cox can't help but push his buttons and says that he's not afraid of the Janitor. The Janitor just smiles at Cox and shouts "boys!" At which point about a dozen janitors come out of no-where and drag Cox off. J.D later find Cox tied up and in one of the morgue freezers.
In one episode, Carla is trying to organize a staff photo in front of the hospital, but barely anyone responds at all. The Janitor spent most of the episode bitter because he wasn't even asked to be a part of the picture, and when Carla finally realizes this and asks him if he'd like to be in it, he is ecstatic. Cut to the next scene, and suddenly everybody is standing outisde of the hospital. When Carla asks him how he got everyone to participate, The Janitor responds with only one word, "Fear".
Getting Kelso to admit over the loudspeaker that he does, in fact, fear The Janitor.
When JD returned to work after his father died and without saying a word, The Janitor simply steps aside to let him pass.
Jordan's parting gift at the end of season 1, after being asked to shake things up a bit
Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...
J.D.: [thinking] Oh, please God, no.
Jordan: I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!
Her breaking up with JD's girlfriend for him because he was too scared to was awesome and hilarious.
In My Cookie Pants, after Kelso talks to Dr. Cox and makes the latter doubt his capabilities as a potential Chief of Medicine, Jordan angrily confronts him and demands that he rectify his mistake.
Feckless, useless older brother Dan gets one, when he calls Dr. Cox out on his cynical act, in a Crowning Moment so Awesome it even wins Dr. Cox's respect:
Hey, listen, Dr. Cox: No offense, I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you love the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we knew was going someplace — sweet kid, smart kid. Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted; and yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turned him into some cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So, I'm askin' — I'm telling you — take that responsibility seriously; stop being such a hard-ass, otherwise you're gonna have to answer to me. It was good seeing you, Dr. Cox.
After Dan becomes more successful, he buys JD a car. The gift isn't well-received and JD smashes the windshield and yells angrily "you're supposed to be the screw-up!" For anyone who was bothered by how JD became a condescending and arrogant Jerkass in episodes featuring Dan just because he was more successful than his brother, Dan's Wham Line was glorious:
Dan: You know what, JD? You need to grow up.
Even useless, pathetic "hospital sad-sack" Ted Buckland gets his moment, when he for once manages to outwit Dr. Kelso, even if no one will ever know:
Dr. Kelso: Ted, was this your doing?
Ted: [Composed and mild] Please, sir. I don't have the guts. [In his head; deliriously happy] Oh, yeah! Suck it, bitch! I will murder you!!!
That's not Ted's only awesome moment. Standing up to Kelso to back up Turk is another good example. And no, flinching from the resulting high-five does not diminish the moment whatsoever.
Don't forget the time Dr. Kelso planned on expanding his office by taking over a patient room. Elliot confronted him to request a female locker room, which of course blew up in her face. Ted went behind Kelso's back to tell Elliot the state laws requiring same sex changing rooms, causing Kelso to lose the battle with Elliot and his new office.
After he fools Elliot and Carla into thinking he's gay and ultimately revealing his bluff he sets to a smug walk down the corridor, making inappropriate remarks at both genders, and finally seals this as a Crowning Moment thanks to this exchange with The Janitor.
When Doug finally found out he had a talent for pathology in My Malpractical Decision. He even found the confidence to get in a shot at a surgeon whose body he'd been inspecting in the morgue.
Doug: Hey Nelson, got some of your handiwork down in the morgue today. You operating with a blindfold on or what?
Laverne gets the moment we'll remember her for in her penultimate episode when Doctor Cox finally gets sick of her constant religiosity, leading him to repeatedly point out (genuinely correct) flaws in her logic throughout the episode. She finally snaps at him that if she didn't believe there was some purpose to all the suffering she sees, she couldn't emotionally deal with it, and wouldn't be able to come to work in the morning.
Doubles as a Tear Jerker because Laverne didn't make it to work the next morning.
Not exactly: she got to Sacred Heart... just not as an employee...
Laverne has another great one in My Hero when she manages to scare the shit out of Dr. Kelso right before he was going to rip into her after she laughed at one of Dr Cox's rants about how much Kelso sucks.
And she has another one involving Kelso when she realises he ate her face cake. "Oh, this does not end well for you."
Hooch's reaction to a practical joke played on him which really shows how Ax-Crazy this surgeon is:
"Who the hell put bouillon cubes in the showerhead?! Hmm?! Did you do it? Did you? If it happens again... I will wait in my SUV, blast me some speed metal five point one surround sound, heavy on the bass....... And someone. Will be getting. Mowed. Down."
Derek spends his entire introductory episode trying not to get involved in everyone's problems. He leaves the lunch table where JD, Carla, Turk, and Cox are fighting, heads to the elevator, says screw it, comes back, and calls them all out on being babies.
Sunny Day spends an episode worrying about how the Janitor called her "weak" when he spares her from his revenge on her and two others, only to confront him and point out that it takes a lot of strength to smile all the time. Then Janitor reveals that making her worry about his opinion of her was his revenge, which means he thought she was stronger than the other two.
The Whole Cast
Two Words: My Musical! They somehow turned a Musical episode into a Funny, catchy, heartwarming, Awesome episode for the whole cast and even had it make sense in context.