Dr. Cox: Uh, things that ruined my life, things that took half my stuff, things with sharp edges!
From the episode My Fifteen Minutes:
JD (as Robin): Holy Inferiority Complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem that I'm the sidekick in own fantasy?
Turk (as Batman): It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.
JD (as Alfred): Damn you... Sir.
J.D apologizing to Turk for speaking on his behalf to Kelso for saying it's ok for Kelso to milk their fame from saving a camera man on live TV and it ending with a fistbump and a chorus "Ahh!" sound effect.
JD becomes jealous when Turk won't take time out to hang with him so he gets a little snippy with Carla and this happens:
Carla: Bambi...are you giving me attitude?
JD: So what if I am?
Carla: No, honey, you have to be a stereotype from a bad movie to pull that off. (to Laverne) Am I right?
Laverne: (in an exaggerated voice) Child, please! You speak the truth!
Carla: See, first you do the finger—(she puts a hand on her hip and points at JD)—then you talk through the nose.
(JD backs away, confused and slightly afraid)
Carla: (imitating Rosie Perez) Hey! Where you goin'?!
In a similar vein, the episode where JD finds himself trying to change the subject under pressure and just constantly blurting out "BANANAHAMMOCK!"
In My Bed Banter and Beyond, JD's narration threatens to sing I Get Knocked Down's chorus with a cockney accent if he lets Elliot leave the apartment after they had sex for the first time.
The end of "My Dream Job" where Dr. Cox punches Dr. Kelso is both heartwarming and awesome, but the look of shock on everyone's faces, especially Turk's mouth wide open, is hilarious. It gets even funnier with Ted's laughing.
Dr. Cox when Dr. Kelso humbly apologises to him for once — and he can't gloat back:
Dr. Cox:[Inner monologue as he is struggling to contain himself] Must ... fight urge ... to rub it ... in his face! Dr. Kelso: Anyway, I owe you one. [He leaves] Dr. Cox:[Struggling even harder] Must ... rub something ... in someone's ... face!! [He turns to a nearby coma patient] Dr. Cox: How's that coma working for you there, pal? [Inner monologue, as he smiles like someone having a really satisfying bladder movement]Muuuuuch better.
Dr Cox realizing he just asked Jordan to move in with him.
Dr Cox: [medical jargon]- and oh my god did I just ask my ex wife to move in with me?
Another wonderful Turk moment when he finds out he's been chosen to go to a doctor's conference over his obnoxious co-worker Bonnie and the following moment happens:
Bonnie: SHOVE IT, TURK!
Turk: Oh, I'm gonna shove it... and love it, and dance around above it, HEY! (Cue a five minutes dance number right in front of her with the chorus, "Shove it, and love it, and dance around above it!")
Carla's jealous and watching that happening with J.D.
Carla: Why is he doing his "You're so getting a piece of this" dance?
J.D.: That's his "In your face!" dance. Or his "There's a sale on lotion" dance, I don't know, he has a lot of dances.
JD trying to exonerate himself from the recent thefts in the hospital:
Janitor: Yeah, we got him. And he's gonna pay.
JD: They're actually arresting a guy for stealing pudding and toilet paper?
Janitor: Nah, they found 20 bottles of Vicodin in his backpack. (Beat) Did you steal pudding and toilet paper?
JD: (flustered) No, I hate pudding and I don't use (realising where he's accidentally steered this sentence) ...toilet paper.
Janitor: (taken aback look)
JD: I, er, have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt...
Janitor: A bidet?
JD: A bi-day to you, sir. (leaves)
After another of JD's patients dies:
JD: So he's dead?
Dr. Kelso: I hope so, otherwise that autopsy's gonna be a bitch.
The episode "My Fruit Cups" is chock full of hilarious moments:
Jordan's very pregnant arrival to Dr. Cox's apartment inspired this comment to Julie, his current girlfriend:
Jordan: Oh...he called you his 'girlfriend'. I think it's time to gather up your tiny panties because...you're done here.
"Oh, Perry's gonna get some loooovin'! Oh, Perry's gonna get some loooovin!"
JD's crying daydream after Dr. Cox congratulates him on good work. "I'm just so HAPPY!"
How JD gets Turk out of his moonlighting job:
JD: Maybe it's because I told them you smoke the gonja!
Turk: WHAT?! That's not even true! You're a jackass! (he starts walking away)
JD: Where you going? Munchies?
Elliot's reaction to the Gynecology girls' offer:
Elliot: We must have looked at a dozen girl's bajingos today. Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo...I can't even look at my own bajingo.
Carla: Is that because it looks so much like a vagina?
Elliot: (spittakes) Carla, there's people!
The Sex Buddy jingle.
Todd power walking butt naked through the hospital singing.
Dr. Gross: And Perry, if there is someone in your life in that hellhole of a hospital that you actually listen to, you should do everything in you power to keep them around, because that person is nothing short of a genius.
Cut to J.D. singing "Kung-Fu Fighting" in the elevator.
Dr Cox's mini rant to Dan in My Brother, Where Art Thou?
Dr Cox: I'll tell you what there, Dan, I'm going to go ahead and worry about how we do things here, but if I ever do need to know how to make a top notch Rum & Coke, well by gun mister, you had better be by the phone because I must just give you a jingle. [Dr Cox puts his hand up to his ear like a phone and walks up the hallway] Ba-ring-ring! Hello, Dan? Coxaroni here. Regarding the Rum & Coke issue, could not be more confused!
Prostate Cancer patient played by Barry Bostwick in "My Dirty Secret"
Mr. Randolph: [upon seeing Turk] What is he doing here? You know I don't like these people.
(Turk and JD look shocked)
Mr. Randolph: Surgeons, not African Americans.
Turk: Actually, sir, we're going with "black" now.
Mr. Randolph: (calling to his wife, who is in the hallway) I WAS RIGHT, CATHERINE!
"Turk, we already played Giant Black Doctor. You remember what happened. People ran."
Dr. Cox hurting his back in "My Friend the Doctor". Just...every single scene of it.
Mr. Taylor: Should I be worried about the old ticker?
JD: Oh, Mr. Taylor, let me worry about that. *thinking* OH MY GOD HE'S GONNA DIE!!!
The out of body experience daydream JD has after Dani wants to move in with him. JD snaps out of saying "I wanted to put them on my fingers and pretend I had witch nails." Cut to Turk, witch laughing with those Bugles on his fingers.
Cox and Jordan are fighting. Especially these lines:
Jordan: (smiling sweetly as she leaves) Hurry home so you can ignore your son and not do your share!
Dr. Cox: (smiles and waves) You make me wanna kill myself and everyone around me!
Turk thinking that Carla can read his mind.
Turk's Narration: Oh my god she's in my head! It's alright... use it to your advantage. Make me a grilled cheese sandwich, woman.
JD finding Cox bound and gagged with duct tape in a morgue drawer.
J.D.: I can only assume you're saying "Let me out or I'm gonna kill ya"...not gonna happen. Listen, I'm in a rare position of power here, okay? So I'm only gonna let you out if you admit that you're my mentor. *Cox growls behind the duct tape gag* I know! I know that makes you angry, but— *Cox breaks the duct tape binding his hands and reaches up to throttle JD* Uh-oh! Okay! Okay! You know, I'm fine the other way! However you wanna do—
Ted:[screaming into phone receiver] Fine! You want to quit, quit! But you are a worthless peon, and you will always be a worthless peon! [hangs up and turns to Kelso] Sir, you know my band, The Worthless Peons?
Any time you get Dr. Cox and his brother-in-law Ben together, but the one that makes me laugh hardest is the "Gay chicken" almost kiss.
Ben: Yes! I am the king of gay chicken!
Dr. Moyer does not react well to being called into work at some ungodly hour on a weekend to perform a CAT scan that, in his mind, could wait until Monday morning. Specifically, he ends up reacting by jumping up and down pumping his arms and screaming "MY MACHINE! MY MACHINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!" in a tantrum that would make a three-year-old embarrassed.
And Turk provoking him with "Whose machine?"
My Moment of Un-Truth has several moments.
The subplot of Elliot trying to treat a patient who turns out to be a drug addict which Dr Cox constantly warns her is a drug addict. Once the patient finally blows his cover, Dr Cox gets Elliot's attention and does a big sarcastic dance in the background and at the end of the episode, does an impression of Elliot throwing a tantrum with an Ironic Echo.
Janitor's attempts to fool JD and Turk into believing he has a twin brother and failing miserably.
His Story II has Turk's first bit of narration and Carla somehow being in his head. Cue Turk trying to use it to get Carla to make him a sandwich and her telling him to do it himself. Cue Turk's screaming.
This exchange from Season 4. Drs. Cox and Kelso are reminiscing about when doctors were respected and treated as heroes, leading to this:
Kelso: Every mother wanted me to marry her daughter because I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all the mothers, because that's what house call used to mean.
Cox: Those were the good old incredibly disturbing days Bob.
Turk: Dude! Relax! And enjoy hot chocolate love...*music starts up as Turk advances*
J.D.: Snap out of it! Abort! Abort! *Comes out of the 'Imgine Spot' flaling around* Stop it, I don't have Gay Jungle Fever!
While My Cake is a sad episode with a major heartwarming moment from Dr Cox, his snarky joke about sleeping with JD to get out of hugging him in Elliot's place is priceless.
Dr Cox: Are you suggesting that if I sleep with him, I won't have to deal with problems like this, because I am seriously considering taking that hit. I mean honestly, what is he like in post game, is there spooning because I don't spoon, I am not a spooner.
When Dr Cox and Dan show up with a bunch of beer and hockey jerseys after Dan's spent the whole episode moping in the bath.
JD: Dan, you were out with him? I thought you dissolved!
In My Common Enemy, Turk beats JD at Operation in 9 seconds and asks Carla if it's a new record and she replies "Depends, what are we talking about?"
Dr. Molly Clock (played by Heather Graham, no less) in general, but especially her little food song: "Oh, chicken salad! You are so tasty! You're food! To be eaten, it's good!"
Dr. Cox's reaction to her is hysterical:
Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. You know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling, but I don't find them half as annoying as I do bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
Molly: (rubs Dr. Cox's stomach) I'm touching your creamy center! (walks away)
Dr. Cox: Oh...I am...so very angry that I am going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong.
JD: (behind him, slowly backs away with a petrified look on his face)
Elliot: (stops making out with him) He said my eyes look like the Irish countryside after a soft rain. (she runs off)
J.D. What was that?!
Turk: That's just Elliot. She's desperate.
J.D.: Dude. (points to behind him where Carla is about to kiss Billy)
Carla: (jumps) What? I wasn't gonna do anything. He said my hair is curly.
Billy: Your hair is curly. (Carla goes to kiss him)
J.D & Turk: BABY!
In that same episode, Billy and the guy he knocked out play a prank on Turk and JD. Billy pretends to have knocked the guy out again and when JD goes over to check on him, he pops upright, scaring JD so badly that he screams and falls over. The following happens when JD gets back up:
JD: Oh, you think that's funny, do you? Well, good, because YOU'RE DYING!
Guy: (panicked look)
Turk: (points at JD disapprovingly) John Dorian, you are a doctor!
JD: Well, he started it!
"Top o' the mizzle to ya, me lizzles!"
After calling the police on Billy, wondering if it'll have any consequences, J.D. and Turk turn to see every woman in the hospital (and Todd) glaring at them.
Laverne: You have one day to find us another gorgeous Irishman.
JD sassing Laverne at the beginning of "My Jiggly Ball". The finger snap he does at the end is just hilarious.
Later, after JD's had tennis balls thrown at him by most of the hospital staff, there's a shot of him holding up his hand and wriggling his fingers:
JD: ''(sotto voce) I think there may be something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that.
This sequence from My Way or the Highway:
Turk: (to Elliot, seeing a patient's wife coming to ask for an explanation) Alright, first one to chug their slushie, is off the hook. C'mon, here we go! *chugs* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH BRAINFREEZE!!
Mrs. Piel: Why is my husband being discharged?
Elliot: Look, Mrs. Piel we really can't—
Turk: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH SO COOLLD!!!
Doug, who eventually worked the morgue, and his cavalier attitude towards death:
You know, whenever I lose something in the morgue, I just retrace my steps. Like, right now, I'm looking for something... and I know I came to the vending machine, and then I dropped a quarter, which rolled over here... and yep! There you are! [Picks up body bag] As soon as you take your eyes of 'em, you lose 'em. They're like children- [slaps head of dead body]- big, dead children!
Turk, Janitor, Ted and Lloyd the Delivery Guy air banding out the front of the hospital at the end of My Half Acre. Especially Janitor with sunglasses.
Elliot and Carla try to "fix" the Todd, i.e. have a serious talk with him to get him out of the closet so he'll stop hitting on Anything That Moves. They think it works until Todd just repeats the same behavior as before, but with men.
Todd: Hey, Mickhead!
Dr. Mickhead turns to look at him
Todd: Is that package for me? YOU KNOW IT IS!
Mickhead: (hurries away with a confused, frightened expression)
Dr. Cox learns the hard way that you shouldn't mock someone(Elliot) and then ask how to say something to a patient in German.
Dr. Cox: Ihre Frau hat schöne Dosen.(Your wife has nice cans.)
(Woman looks offended, man looks pissed)
Dr. Cox: schöne Dosen.(Nice cans.)
(Gets tossed out of the room, and glares at Elliot)
Dr. Cox: (Angrily) schöne Dosen.
This exchange between Kelso and J.D.
Kelso: How old do you think I am, Dorian?
J.D.'s Narration: OK, there's no way to answer that and not get in trouble. Change the subject.
J.D.: Sir, I would be honored if you and Enid would join me at my place on Sunday for some homemade jambalaya.
Kelso: Well, it would be good for Enid to get out of the house.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh my god, he's actually thinking about it! Change the subject back!
Doug: (in terrified voice) Dead people should be dead!
One of JD's longest Imagine Spots, prompted after Carla accuses Turk of being forgetful and wondering what he's going to be like as a father. The Imagine Spot starts with Turk on his way back from picking up a pumpkin, and realising that he has forgotten the baby and instead brought home a pumpkin. Then Carla finds the pumpkin cute, and agrees to raise it instead. Then we see a sequence of scenes showing the pumpkin "growing up", such as his first bath and playing at a little league game. Finally we see the pumpkin's graduation, when Turk and Carla accidentally drop the pumpkin and it smashes. They start to mourn it, but are interrupted when suddenly they see their real son. They exclaim happiness and begin to run towards each other, when suddenly the son is hit by a bus.
Turk: Dude, are you OK? You were gone for a really long time then.
JD: YOU'RE GOING TO BE A TERRIBLE FATHER! (Leaves)
Not to mention the alternate adlib of JD yelling "YOU KILLED PUMPKIN BOY!"
Dr. Cox and Janitor becoming friends at a bar and this little exchange happens:
Dr. Cox: Y'know what I hate most about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.
Janitor: Oh, that's my fault. I've been filling his shampoo bottle with dog sweat.
Dr. Cox: Dogs don't sweat.
Janitor: Then what the hell am I putting in there?
JD's attempt to click his heels together when he's singing about how his interns respect and fear him. Words cannot do it justice. Therefore, watch for yourself.
Kelso: (walks by to see Turk sitting on the counter, clutching Carla's purse) What the HELL are you doing?
Turk: I GET TO HAVE SEX!
Kelso: I hate this place. (leaves)
Turk: (to random passerby) I get to have seeeex toniiiiiiiiiight!
The whole opening sequence of Ep. 100, "My Way Home":
After seeing all the girly things in Elliott's bathroom, we pan over to see JD with a pink towel wrapped around his head: "It—was—AWESOME."
Another part from that episode:
Elliott: Did you eat my mango body butter?
JD: No! *Thinks* I shmeared it on a bagel.
Dr. Kelso trying to get out of an awkward conversation with Dr. Cox by pretending to behis own paintingon a mural. Despite the fact that Cox can clearly see him, he apparently keeps up the 'ruse' for some time, and then when he's finally persuaded that Cox is never going to be convinced and gives up the game, he acts as if nothing had happened.
This whole scene had my university house in tears, and we still quote it to this day
Turk: No! Leave it on the floor! You leave it on the floor!
Doctor Cox's entire rant to Lester Hendrick from "My Five Stages":
Cox: You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Think of me as buttonless, all smooth, like G.I. Joe's nether regions. By the by, this image is brought to you by my son Jack who has been yanking the pants off of his toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is just disturbing enough, so that leaving the house, I'm cranky, and less able to suffer fools, which brings me back to you, the fool. I'm done suffering you. So go now, go, go before you can write a book entitled Help! A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass, Colon, the Lester Hendrick Story.
From "My Fallen Idol":
Keith: [In Doctor Cox's home; Walking out of the bathroom] ...Did Elliot leave without telling me?
Jordan: [Walking out of the bathroom behind Keith] Why is there an intern in my bathroom? It's not my birthday.
"RING O' FIIIREEE!!" (Motorcyle lights on fire) "SASHAAAA!!!"
From "My Own Personal Hell":
Cox: ...and Ganderoo, I need you to talk to a young pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom.
Turk: Why would she listen to me?
Cox: I may have told her that you were Kanye West.
Turk: I'm actually alright with that.
In "My Mirror Image", when JD finds out Kim is pregnant, he frantically tries to call Turk but is unable to get through because all the hospital staff are busy dancing to Turk's ringtone. Made even funnier by the fact that it's the sort of thing that could easily be one of JD's daydreams... only it isn't.
Dr. Kelso: (thinking) The Iraq War... that's just the kind of political hot potato that could cause divisions amongst the employees. Quick, change the subject to something less controversial! (Out loud) So, I hear Pluto's not a planet any more, what's up with that?
When J.D. discovers that he has a medical condition that will cause him to lose conciousness when he poops...after sneaking into his neighbor's house to do just that.
Dr. Kelso:(talking to a patient's relatives) We did everything we could do for your mom, but sometimes life just... (hears boobie horn) Gotta go, boobie horn.
In one episode, a patient in one of the luxury hospital rooms leave and Dr. Cox is told to inform Dr. Kelso. He and the Janitor decide to let him think the patient is still there so that they can use the room. Later they fall out and the Janitor seals the room off, and can be seen dancing around in there to "The Girl From Ipanema".
The Janitor's entire subplot in "My Fishbowl" JD hands him a fishbowl when he goes to see a patient, Janitor decides to wait on JD, to get him or something, neglects to clean up a child's vomit downs stairs, holds in his pee for a long period of time and eventually starts imagining that the fish is talking to him, claiming that his name is Roger Dorsey and convinces him that he's real by singing beautifully. Dr Kelso confronts him angry that he hasn't cleaned the child's vomit and threatens to dock his pay...
Janitor: You do what you have to do sir, Roger Dorsey and I are seeing this thing to the finish.
Dr.Kelso: (shocked) Roger Dorsey was my squad leader in Vietnam. He died in my arms....
The Janitor: I think it's time that you knew the real me. Alright, here we go. I'm not like normal people. I don't have superpowers. But I'm working on it, for instance, watch me move this pen. (Eyes a pen on the counter and concentrates as Lady looks on confused and nothing happens) It worked at home, I dunno, maybe my table is slanted. Um, anyway, uh, in my spare time I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a, uh, badger will hold five squirrels, a squirrel will hold most of a cat, a mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get the idea; Circle of Life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. It's just the back of the sun.
Dr. Kelso: (watching) Ha! I love a good trainwreck!
"What has two thumbs, a funny voice, and still doesn't give a crap? (in a high-pitched voice) Bob Kelso! I added the funny voice to keep it fresh."
Ted's response to Chief Doctor Cox telling him he doesn't have to get him coffee anymore.
JD's reaction to Elliot dismissing their almost-kiss in "My Princess".
J.D's mentioning how his mother tried to stop his dad from giving a homeless guy pork chops by saying "He'll just use those pork chops for drugs!" when he's telling a heartwarming story to a patient.
Ted's reaction to seeing Dr. Kelso in the Chief Of Medicine chair after he retires and is replaced by Dr. Cox: He screams "OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN" and leaps back into a plant. Kelso just smiles and says "Still got it."
When J.D. and the Janitor try to help Ted to date Gooch:
Janitor: Look, Ted, you're obviously upset about the ukulele girl. So, we've called a truce to help you out.
Ted: I'm not upset.
J.D. Ted, we found you in the park throwing rocks at old couples.
Ted: WHY SHOULD THEY BE HAPPY?!
When Cox is trying to do everything as the Chief of Medicine, he tells Jordan he'll pick up their son from preschool and forgets to. Jordan has plenty of fun with this after picking up their son.
Cox's phone rings
Jack: Daddy, you weren't there to pick me up, so I got scared and tried to find you.
Cox:: [Worried] Jack?!
Jack: Daddy?! [Jack hangs up]
'''Cox runs outside to get to his car to search for Jack and runs past Jordan and Jack
Jordan: Hey Per.
Jack: [Standing up with his arms above his head] I'm alive!!
The Imagine Spots in My ABC'sfeaturing the cast ofSesame Street. These include Oscar the Grouch being named new Chief of Medicine ("I'm watching you John Dorian. Remember, my eyes never close!), and the Todd giving a "Grover five", but the funniest has to be when J.D. is imagining his new intern being charmed by Elmo. He then says that's enough and Elmo turns and says "what, is she your woman?".
Elliott yelling at JD for leaving her alone with a crowd of non-English speaking patients:
Elliott: Do you know how embarrassing it is to have to mime diarrhea!
In My Happy Place, Dr. Cox attempts to demonstrate to Turk just how dumb the typical surgeon is, using The Todd as an example. Standing outside of the room Todd is speaking with a patient in, Cox raps on the glass and asks Todd what's for lunch, to which Todd replies. Cox then turns to Turk and says "This time I'll just move my lips as if I am speaking, and his tiny surgeon brain will tell him the glass is now just too darn thick to hear through." He raps on the glass again, mouths a few words, and The Todd replies by waving his hand to his ear and yelling that he can't hear Cox through the glass. Cox turns and leaves, leaving a dumbfounded to Turk to stare at The Todd in disbelief before uttering a single, almost silent "Wow"...to which Todd replies "Wow what?"
In My Abscence, Dr. Cox points out to Carla why it's a waste of time to be angry at Turk for doing something stupid.
Dr.Cox: Carla, if you're going to get upset every time your husband does something stupid, then you're going to be upset every second of every minute, and every minute of every hour, every hour of every day, every day-
Dr.Cox: I was prepared to go to century.
All Ted's got in his briefcase is a smiley face button and a revolver. Why you ask?
The Janitor quitting the day after the season 8 finale, purely because he realized JD wasn't messing around & genuninely had left - Upon reaching this realization, he simply hands Turk his mop & walks away.