Joke thread

Dris: Lol. Nice music joke, my wife likes it.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

What do you call a large furry animal that lives on the Sun?

A solar bear.

One day, an old man was driving down the expressway in his new Corvette, and he was driving at 80 mph. After a while, he saw a state trooper's flashing red lights behind him. Without thinking, the man floored it and started going at 100. When the trooper turned his sirens on, the man came to his senses and pulled over. He said "I'm so sorry, officer, I don't know what I was thinking." The trooper, while tired, said to him "Sir, it's Friday, it's 4 in the afternoon, and my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man said "30 years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper said "Have a good weekend, sir."

a skeleton is holding me at gunpoint.
i guess you can say i'm boned.

What do you call a chocolate-dipped sheep? A chocolate Baa.

How many molecules are in a bowl of guacamole? Avocado's number.

god, I hate the stigma around mental health

immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends all disappeared from my life.

I'm going to have to remember that one.

One cannibal said to the other, "I don't like my mother in law." The second replied, "Just eat the salad then."

I read that a few hours ago and didn't check which thread I'd opened up, so I assumed it was Insecurity/Anxiety or Odd Confessions. I literally only realised the punchline now.

Now I feel, like, the opposite of when you make an insensitive joke and nobody laughs.

What did the depressed grunger say to a hippie born between late June and early July after she talked about colored auras for the umpteenth time?

I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black.

I was born and raised in a small town. As a matter of fact, it was so small,

The zip code was a fraction.

The town was so small, I lost my job as a dog catcher,

Because I caught the dog.

Rapid Roy was a daredevil who specialized in car stunts. He decided to retire in style and end his career by attempting a canyon jump in the worst car he could find. After doing some digging, he came across a Chevy Nova in an auction in Champagne, LA. It was in bad shape, but he took a chance, won the bid, and spent several months doing body work and souping the engine up until it was as good as anything he’d jumped in before.

Tragedy struck on the day of the jump, though. The engine suddenly failed just as Roy was leaving the ramp, and the car lost distance, slammed into the opposite wall of the canyon, and plummeted to the ground. Not only was it pancaked by the fall, falling rocks completely buried it.

Roy was thusly immortalized in the local paper:

Caught beneath the landslide
In a Champagne super Nova in the sky

Edited by Willbyr on Mar 2nd 2020 at 2:12:20 PM

Ever since I went to Un Chien Andalou, I've never seen movies the same way.

I can't quite remember if I posted this one already, but watching the movie last night made me remember this one.

Howl's Moving Castle puts a whole new spin on "living in your car."

I have a friend named Ben Thunder. Awesome guy, amazing name. One day, my ride broke down and it's in the repair shop, so I ask to borrow his truck. Since he's awesome, he says yes.

I now have Ben Thunder's truck.

Edited by aNinjaWithAIDS on Mar 4th 2020 at 8:34:37 AM

Supermarket shelves were empty, so I called my local Indian market.

"Do you have any butter?"

"No, we only have ghee."

"Ah, thanks for clarifying."

Explanation.

That was actually funny. Ghee is pretty tasty.

What do you call a gorilla that's part of an opera?

Donkey Song.

Yo mamma's so forgettable, that, uh, erm... I forgot the rest of the joke, sorry.

A 90-year-old man wasn't feeling that great, so he went to see the doctor. A week later, while the doctor was out and about, he saw the old man on a date with a beautiful young lady, and he looked like he was on top of the world. The doctor asked him what was going on, and the old man answered "I'm just following the advice you gave me. You said I should find a hot mama and be cheerful." The doctor replied "That's not what I said. I said 'you have a heart murmer; be careful.'"

Two Russian Jews living at Brighton Beach are talking. "So, how is your English? Did it get better?" "No, it didn't. And why do I even need to learn it? I don't walk to America."

Edited by tehSmile on Jul 18th 2020 at 5:21:29 PM

One I heard from a Twitch chat:

Why is Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule? Because she's Sheik.

One I heard from a Vinesauce chat:

Why was Sephiroth going door-to-door? He was a Jenovah's Witness!

Me playing Dance Dance Revolution is like me on Friday nights — in need of a bar.