(That Guy You Met Once)
edited 4th Jan '12 8:31:48 PM by Wheezy
Novel progress: The Adroan (110k words), Yume no Hime (81k), The Pigeon Witch (40k)
Obsidian Proboscidean
Yeah, it does sound a little like Fight Club, but not so much that it's bad. The pacing was good, like in Fight Club (though that's subjective).
The only thing I'd really get rid of is this: "The only time you could ever talk to him for long was when he was telling you what to do. And by merely thinking about that…it REALLY pissed me off." It felt like an info-dump, sort of. I think the reader could probably infer his father was less than ideal, especially when you go into the "it was HIS entire fault" thing (unless you're not referring to his father there, then disregard this). I'd say get rid of the thing about the jail and just show him going to jail, but I don't know how short of a story this is (is this an excerpt or the whole thing). If it's the whole thing, you could probably keep it.
It captured the futile corporate-hell atmosphere well.
Anyone want to look at the first two chapters of this
?
If you can help with characterization (maybe, if anyone knows the source material), humor, whether or not it hooks you, or whether or not the dialogue flows, that'd be good.
edited 4th Jan '12 8:46:06 PM by BlackElephant
I'm an elephant. Rurr.
(That Guy You Met Once)
James:
I'm kind of biased, because "corporate hell" has always been one of my Pet Peeve Tropes, because try telling someone who's been unemployed for two years or works at McDonald's how hard it is being middle class, living in a clean, decent-sized house, and having a $40K a year job with benefits that you voluntarily put yourself through college to get, signed up for, and could easily quit at any time. Personally, I think the only way to make a scene that's this unsubtle an example of the trope work would be to subvert it or parody it later on.
Also, I'm pretty sure Fight Club was supposed to be a deconstruction of the "corporate life is the worst thing ever so let's all go back to nature" mentality, but none of the fandom seems to get that.
But your prose is very good. Much better than mine, I'll admit.
Now, onto the parts I had problems with.
Personally, I try to avoid lines like this. It's like having the author tell the reader directly that this story should be funny.
If you want it to read less like Fight Club, you can start by deleting this line.
Thank you, Middle Manager Obvious. I had no idea this story would be about how office life is unsatisfying.
This one will have to go, too.
We get it. You don't like your job.
I'm seeing a pattern here. Maybe your story reads like Fight Club because you keep quoting it.
We get it. You don't like your job.
This was actually not a bad twist. It's interesting to see that he's just upset about losing his job as he seemed to be about having it. But as a side note, he should probably be Genre Savvy enough to realize that you've only been working for a company for a few months, you're still a noob with no clout, especially in one that huge.
I was going to say something blandly snarky like "Where have I heard this line before," but I don't need to at this point. You know.
We get it. You didn't like your job.
No explanation needed.
We get it. You didn't like your job.
But in this case, and I'm talking to the author directly now, it seems like you just voided the point of your own story. He just got fired. In this economy, that probably meant his days of that lifestyle were about to end anyway. And if he wanted to escape the white collar life, all he'd have to do is find a different job.*
Enough.
But still, stop copying your source material so directly, and you'll have the potential to be a great writer.
—-
Here's the first draft of my webcomic's synopsis/plans.
You don't have to critique the whole thing - it's 15 pages - but giving me feedback on at least part of it would be great.
edited 5th Jan '12 7:19:57 AM by Wheezy
Novel progress: The Adroan (110k words), Yume no Hime (81k), The Pigeon Witch (40k)
Hey, y'all! I've heard lots of things about this site on the internet but one is for certain: you guys sure know your stuff when it comes to writing! Thing is, I've been dabbling in that myself for a bit, but never really showed my work to anyone! Today's the day, though:
I'd appreciate any advice/critique. The very beginning is the part I feel the least confident about that. As for the pictures, I don't know where I've found them but I feel they enrich the story quite a bit.
Tear me a new one, tropers!
EDIT: Apparently I can't link to a mediafire download of the .rtf with my thing. Is it ok if I just c/p it here?
edited 5th Jan '12 7:40:00 AM by SardonicSwine
(That Guy You Met Once)
Yes. Put it in quoteblocks.
edited 5th Jan '12 7:44:12 AM by Wheezy
Novel progress: The Adroan (110k words), Yume no Hime (81k), The Pigeon Witch (40k)
Depends on length. I think one or two pages would be fine.
If any question why we died/ Tell them, because our fathers lied -Rudyard Kipling
Dear readers, welcome to Earth. Earth is a beautiful planet, filled with wonders of nature awaiting you at every step: be it vast deserts, lush forests, endless oceans. What's better, though, is that among all those beautiful sights, there are countless more magnum opera: humans. Each and every human is different, yet they gather in communities and form relationships. Together, they achieve more than nature ever could, yet it was nature that created them.
Let's take a moment to examine two such miracles.
Meet Jane. She's 19 years old and lives in Portland. She's just a normal girl. Frequents High School, where she meets all her friends and has fun getting into all sorts of crazy wild adventures! However there's all the teachers standing in the way of endless fun! That's why she's got to study hard. Lucklily, she's quite smart, and can always count on her best friends to help her out. They always ace all the tests but those all-nighters can be a real chore!
School life is exhausting. Every day Jane wakes up early, barely manages to catch the bus (It's always crowded. She wishes those old ladies wouldn't be so mean.) and then it's eight hours of class. And talking with her friends, and chatting up boys, and taking tests... Hardest of all, she needs to be on her toes at all time! She never knows when _that kid_ might be around. Even his smell makes her nauseous!
That's why evenings are Jane's "Me Time". Very tired, she slowly climbs the stairs to her room, kicking off her red Converse's on the way. Head hung down, her golden hair flowing down her face and on her sagging shoulders, she pushes the door open and collapses on her bed adorned with Hello Kitty sheets. Several minutes pass, during which the less-clever observer might think Jane has passed out! Moments later springs to life, good as new. She gets her iPhone out of the pocket of her blue, slightly torn jeans and replaces the white earbuds with her favorite pair of studio Sennheisers. Soon, she's completely immersed in the world of music. Her music. She lets herself get carried by the soothing melodies of Tom Waits and Kaizers Orchestra. Then, she kicks her pastel-colored knee-high stockings-clad legs up in the air as the rousing rhytms of Red Fang, Clutch or some electronic bands (You've probably never heard of them. Dark chip psy? Thought so.) fill her with new-found energy.
Such infatuation with music lasts a few hours. During that time Jane clears her head, rests and relaxes. Then it's back to the real world for a few minutes as dinner is ready and mom desperately needs to know about her grades. Thank God she's on a diet currently and the meals are very brief!
In her room again, she fires up the computer. Time to check Facebook and extend the cheer and merriment to the virtual world! Nice glasses, Tina. This shirt really suits you. Cool pic Andy! That must have been a wild party. Oh my God! That cat is just the cutest. Hours quickly pass and soon the orange blaze spills over the cold, solid skies of Oregon, illuminating her upstairs room with an amber light. Being an artistically-inclined soul, Jane always thought this made the place look like an old sepia photo. She swore to herself that if she ever starts her own electronic band, she'll use the pictures of such scenes as album covers.
Jane can barely whistle, much less make music.
But there's more to Jane than meets the eye. A layer of depth to the perky, fun-loving girl we've come to know and love in the past few minutes it took you to read so far.
You see, Jane loves Anime.
That bookshelf in her room isn't filled with novels, but rather DVD cases of Anime. Every series you can name, she has seen and owns at least one season of. Dragon Ball Z, Death Note, Keion, Strike Witches, Akira, Trigun, Cowboy Bebop... She loves Anime because of the stories it tells: much more different, more varied and sophisticated than western media that's all love or crime. For the freedom of expression animation grants: all those pretty, colorful outfits, the amazingly fluid scenes. And of course, the factor of exoticism. Japan is a land unlike her own, where the culture is entirely different. People look different, dress different, speak different. Eat different food. Cities look different. Animals and plants are different. She's in love with cherry trees and narrow, neon-sign filled streets of Japanese cities.
Naturally, she often wonders what would it be like to be just like one of her Japanese animes. To replace her pedestrian life with that of magic and wonder, quests to save the world and superhuman abilities. Imagine her surprise when she one day found out that there are entire communities devoted to doing just that! It's called cosplay, and it pretty much means that you dress up as your favorite characters and pretend to be them. Cosplayers then meet up at conventions and have tons of fun playing their make believe. Already having a keen sense of style, a preference for vibrant colors and lots of fluttering fabric, Jane felt right at home in the cosplay scene. She quickly made a name for herself at the local cosplay forums, posting pictures of herself in finely-crafted outfits. She looked really good in Haruhi's schoolgirl uniform, and herself in Rei's evangelion jumpusit was a sight to see! Making the costumes was tons of fun. She spent countless evenings thinking up how to transform everyday clothing articles into exotic suits, as well as going through with her plans and then taking pictures of herself in her own creations. It was a great way to channel her artistic abilities.
Her friends weren't as passionate about dressing up though. She mentioned it in passing once or twice, and upon seeing their nonplussed reactions, dropped the subject. She kept her hobby to herself and her internet friends, which were always very supportive, but ultimately she couldn't relate to them. She's met some of them at several conventions and they seemed like very nice people, but it was kinda hard talking to them as they kept drifing in and out of character. What surprised her was that most of them were male. Some of them still dressed up as female characters! Jane decided to play it off as a joke and not think too hard about this.
She didn't want to seem intolerant, after all.
Last year she went as Osaka from Azumanga Daioh! It was great fun, many people recognized her character and wanted to take pictures, played with her and complimented her on her costume. Most of them didn't even notice she was wearing a wig! Soon after, she saw one of her pictures on a "geek blog". She was proud at first, but then she saw the comments section. This wasn't the kind of attention she was looking for...
...she shouldn't have dressed this way then! Vapid cunts. He couldn't believe how brainless some of those broads were. Women, I tells ya. Can't trust them wit anything.
The feeble glare from the monitor illuminating his pockmarked face twisted in a grimace, John shoveled another Pizza Roll into his mouth and swiftly chased it down with a swig of Miller's High Life. He shouldn't drink his much. He'd rather be in full control of his mental faculties, and he still remembers that time at his first communion when the priest dipped the wafers in wine. His head hurt for three days straight. He's atheist now. Take that mom, try telling Carl Sagan that Santa won't bring him Persona 4 if he doesn't go to mass or clean his fingernails.
John has just read a public response of one "Jane Suzumiya Tan". She was thankful for all the compliments regarding her cosplay outfit, but appaled at the sheer _sleaziness_ that the comments emanated. John just thought that it was obvious that she was actively seeking attention and subjecting herself to the male gaze by dressing in such a revealing way. Besides, she got the headband wrong and the smiley-face pin didn't appear on Osaka's shirt until season 3, which obviously the outfit wasn't from, as evident by the blue sneakers she got in the episode "Ning's Big Score".
He knew that episode by heart. As he did every other.
John often called himself an "otaku". It was the Japanese equivalent of the word "nerd", except for some reason John decided to brand himself with such a name willingly. He often corrected bullies when they teased him. Saying that they are too plebean to understand his sophistication. They didn't seem too bothered with his display of greatness though. After pulling a prank on him, they wondered why he spoke with a Brooklyn accent, despite being from down here. He did wear a fedora, but it didn't match up with the rest of his clothing (usually cargo pants and a shirt with one of them girl cartoons on it). He was also neither a wise guy nor a tough guy. And so, despite his pleas and threats, they did not stop calling him Johnny Wedgieface. A goodfella he wasn't.
John didn't let all the teasing stop him, though. He was too good for those people. They just didn't understand him. Being the Deadpan Snarker that he is, he swiftly shot down all the people ridiculing him, but they seemed to not get it! Perhaps it is true that people are immune to things they don't know about. His passionate The Reason You Suck Speeches had also little to no effect, even those that weren't interrupted by a punch.
John hated being touched.
Luckily for John, there was always another world he could retreat into when the real one got just too mean. A world where he was loved for who he was and his qualities made him valuable to those around him. The world of anime fandom. He first came into contact with anime by a site called TV Tropes. The site was a community of people deconstructing media in a wiki-like format. Pointing out the common themes, misconceptions implanted into society via those media, and discussing them. This is what attracted John to TV Tropes in the first place. The air of sophistication and superiority emanating through every article. John felt really clever recognizing all the "tropes" in movies and books, even though people with whom he shared his observations weren't as passionate about them.
It wasn't long before John discovered the second part of TV Tropes. The so-called Troper Tales. They were short stories in which the site users told of tropes and movie-like situations happening in their lives. Whether it was someone describing his Badass Longcoat or talking about how he's a Jerk With a Heart of Gold, John could always relate to those stories and found them really believeable. Eventually he started writing his own. And so, that time when he threw a pencil at Brad for getting called out on drawing an anime became John's affinity for Impromptu Weapons: Pencils. He called his everyday outfit of combat boots, black JNC Os and a blackt-shirt with his zodiac sign (Aquarius) on it Tall, Dark and Loathsome. Many of his everyday social encounters (which weren't plentiful in themselves, much less those that didn't result in bullying) turned into Crowning Moments of Awesome, in which John always came victorious, leaving his adversaries to pick their jaws off the ground as he sauntered away, not looking behind his shoulder.
Soon, other "Tropers" started commenting on how cool he was, applauding him for his actions and cheering him on. The rabbit hole grew.
John started believing that he was indeed very menacing and nobody interacted with him because they found him threatening. He no longer dragged his feet when walking the corridors. Now he kept his chin high, a few pube-like hairs swaying in the breeze and with the irrational motions of his weird, sorta fucked up gait, as Frankie called it. After all, so many people on the internet couldn't possibly be wrong about him, could they?
What surprised him was that they even agreed with his views, which nobody ever did. Claiming to be Born In The Wrong Century, John vehemently protested women wearing jeans and men wearing anything other than three-piece suits or casual clothing. He was an avid Men's Rights Activist, insisitng that all women want is to get pregnant and force men into marrying them so they could live off them like leeches. That's why never talked to girls, you see. They could always cry "Rape" and get him convicted, effectively ruining his reputation!
Only women that didn't reject him after looking at him for more than three seconds were the girls in his beloved anime. Especially Osaka from Azumanga Daioh! He fell in love with her carefree, friendly attitude. He went so far as to proclaim her his "waifu", effectively claiming her as his own. Needless to say, he was extremely outraged when he saw a 3D Pig dress up as her and post pictures of it on the internet. Worst of all, he had a feeling he's seen her somewhere...
„Why would one say that? Cosplays are a very welcoming thing. I've seen good cosplays, I've seen bad. But everyone has a good time and as long as you keep yourself confident, no one will notice. Cosplay is about having fun. You get to romp around a pretend your someone else. :] If someone makes a rude comment, brush it off and tell yourself that they haven't twice a mind of knowing what fun is all about.” Yeah, right. Look buddy, if you're gonna do cosplay, do it right or don't do it at all. Have some standards fer Christ's sake! People like you are ruining the fandom. It used to be people who passionately cared about the anime, not weekend otakus. I made the Azumanga Daioh! Scene in this state! Before I came in here it was just dust and dirt! And I will not stand to see it fall.
Fuming, John hid his face in his hands. He was breathing heavily.
You see, it meant everything to him.
That night, he slept restless. Twisting and turning on his sweet steampunk futon, kicking up a cloud of orange-tinged dust with every move. At night, strange thoughts marred his mind. Thoughts he'd never even consider entertaining under normal circumstances. He actually thought of approaching...Jane, was it? Yeah, Jane...approaching and confronting her about her _faux pas_. But what about his hikkikomori status? Could he stand to call himself a Celibate Hero after such...such disgrace? What if she'll consider his stern reprimand (Reason You Suck Speech) sexual harrasment? So many things could go wrong, yet John decided that next day he will go through with his plan. For Osaka. For his waifu.
And so, a new day has risen. The sun slowly climbed over the horizon, spilling its warm embrace over the world. Jane welcomed the morning. Full of energy, she sprung up from her bed, taking note of her wild bedhead reflected in the window. It was time to get ready for school. Don't want to keep her friends waiting at the bus stop! John, however, was much less enthusiastic. Grumbling, he covered himself up with the sweaty sheets. Twenty minutes have passed before he crawled out of his bedding. His eyes were glued together with rheum and he was coughing heavily, trying to get the mucus out of his throat. Frak, he thought, mom's minivan is already out of the garage. It's gonna be a long day...
The bus ride was great as usual! It was Monday, so there weren't many people around so early. Jane and her friends always loved seeing the busdriver scold passengers for even the slightest annoyances. It was like a comedy movie at times. On the bus, they checked each other's homework and filled in the blanks where nercessary. Taking her eyes off the math notebook, Jane saw a minivan overtake the bus. Inside, she spotted a boy in the backseat. He looked familiar... The ride was horrible as usual. Mom kept pestering John with questions. Yes mrs Yonderbrack, he did his homework. He ate his breakfast. He brushed his teeth. John was staring out the window. He could barely take it. It's such a shame his PTSD and astigmatism prevent him from ever getting a driver's license. Not that his mom would ever buy him a car, all she ever spent money on was book club and booze. John hoped to develop a rivalry between himself and her, like in his favorite webcomic, Homestuck, but his plan was cut short when he got grounded for making an empty suicide threat.
Finally, they arrived at school. Exiting the minivan, John begrudgingly gave his mom a kiss on the cheek. He thought he heard distant snickering. He was used to that anyways. Out of the corner of his eye he saw three girls approaching the school's main entrance. What were they so happy about? How could someone possibly enjoy high school, John thought. It's the time where everyone's hormones take control over his mind and they turn into hyperactive, disobedient monkeys. Thank god John was asexual, or else he'd give in to such impulses. Well, he did...please himself regularly, but it was just for biological reasons. John started to walk towards the entrance, taking time to pace himself to let the girls walk in through first. Slight social nuances were never his strong suit. Then he remember the oath he swore last night. To defend the honor of his waifu. He took a deep breath and quickened his pace.
Jane turned around for a second, and saw that weird kid walk in her direction. He was sternly glaring at her, but when their eyes met he hung his head down. No doubt he was approaching her with the intent of talking to her, so she stopped. Finally, he was within arm's reach from her, evident by this sickly, pungent smell and the air around him distorting slightly.
„Yeah? What's up? „You...I saw your pictures...uh...Gameblouguu...uhhh...you were...you...you-”
John suddenly stopped stuttering and his eyes opened wide. He sprung up, straightening his posture and let forward a torrent of orange-gray puke, making disgusting sounds all the while absolutely slathering Jane in the vile mucus. With one last cough, he passed out. Jane stood, frozen. Seemingly, only sounds were drips of vomit dripping from her body on the ground.
„He..he puked on me.”
The gravity of the situation hit her like a brick wall. Succumbing to the only sensible relation, she bent over and retched all over John's limp body, already stained with his own secretions. Wet sounds echoed, carried by the brisk morning air. Jane stood, blinking.
wow ok finally
edited 5th Jan '12 7:47:13 AM by SardonicSwine
Obsidian Proboscidean
Well, that was certainly interesting. I think I've seen this before.
There were a few punctuation errors and a few typos. However, you did do a good job of describing the situation. I can see you're very good at description. It might have been more interesting if you had shown Jane and John's activities instead of just describing them, but maybe for the mood you want to invoke the description will do.
Jane is a very relatable character. John's character, while not as relatable, was also clearly shown, and that's a good thing.
The ending was a little anticlimactic, but it was still funny. Also, it was good that you included a normal anime-lover to contrast with the other one. The juxtaposition and transition from one to the other was good, too.
Though, if you were aiming for an allegory, you might want to make it a little more subtle.
edited 5th Jan '12 5:30:19 PM by BlackElephant
I'm an elephant. Rurr.
(That Guy You Met Once)
As usual, I'll crit this as I live-read it. Here are some unsorted observations. I can be a Caustic Critic, but remember that I don't have any published or critically acclaimed work myself, so my opinion means very little.
That said...
What, exactly, are you planning on doing with this story? I can't really see it finding an audience outside this site, and even then, I think a lot of Tropers might not appreciate being stereotyped as being like John.
You don't "frequent" high school, you attend it. The difference is that the first is voluntary and unscheduled, and the second's not. Also, most people graduate high school at 17 or 18, but that's an Acceptable Break from Reality.
Don't use "_these_" for emphasis. Use caps or just bold it.
By this point, it seems half of all your sentences are ending in exclamation points. Teenage life isn't that exciting.
It's "Converses." Apostrophes don't make things plural. Ever. For any reason.
I'm wearing a pair of studio Sennheisers right now. I'm also a fan of Tom Waits. That has nothing to do with anything, I just felt like saying it.
That sentence just says the same thing as the one before it, but wordier.
OK...
I'm going to admit... The next two paragraphs after that sentence are really painful to read. Unless you're writing this story for first-graders, you don't need to tell us that Japan is not America. Also, 90% of your audience will know what cosplay is, and if the other 10% is too lazy to type words into Google, don't dumb your story down to their level.
Also, you can't own a season of a movie, and the plural of anime is "anime," not "animes."
That should go in quotes, but aside from that, that line served as a very good transition between POVs.
Also, I hate John. In the words of a Youtube commenter: "Congratulations on your total stereotype. Well done." However, I'm pretty sure he's intended to be a douchecanoe up until he gets either some Character Development or a "Reason You Suck" Speech, so I'll go without commenting on that for a while.
Normally, as a side note, I'd tell you that it always looks amateurish when you use Trope Titles anywhere outside this wiki, because it's nowhere near as clever and subtle a Shout-Out as you think - and just makes you look like you just couldn't be assed finding a more interesting way to describe a trope. However, since this story's about the site, it's justified.
Hmm... I'm getting the most subtle hint of a notion that you didn't like Troper Tales.
This paragraph's kind of a disaster. Let's try this:
"Why would you say that? Cosplay's a very welcoming thing. I've seen good ones and bad. But everyone has a good time and as long as you stay confident, no one will notice. Cosplay is about having fun romping around and pretending you're someone else. :] If someone makes a rude comment, brush it off and tell yourself that they haven't twice a mind of knowing what fun is all about."
"Yeah, right. Look buddy, if you're gonna do cosplay, do it right or don't do it at all. Have some standards fer Christ's sake! People like you are ruining the fandom. It used to be for people who passionately cared about the anime, not weekend otakus. I made the Azumanga Daioh scene in this state, and I will not stand to see it fall!"
I have to admit, even though John just becomes more and more Fladerized as the story goes on, with no hidden depths or non-horrible traits revealed, I still think the ending redeems this story. We finally get the climactic face-off/humiliation scene I saw coming, but I have to admit it's very different from what I thought it would be.
In the words of Casablanca, "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
edited 6th Jan '12 1:59:29 AM by Wheezy
Novel progress: The Adroan (110k words), Yume no Hime (81k), The Pigeon Witch (40k)
(That Guy You Met Once)
Also, since we're on the subject of Otaku and their sterotypes, I'm still waiting for someone to crit the first draft of my webcomic's synopsis.
Again, it's probably too long to read the whole thing, but giving me feedback on at least part of it would be great.
edited 6th Jan '12 1:56:34 AM by Wheezy
Novel progress: The Adroan (110k words), Yume no Hime (81k), The Pigeon Witch (40k)
That One Guy
Well, first off, thanks to everyone who critiqued it, especially to the one who completely picked it apart (no, this is not sarcasm. I'm actually really greatful) since everyone that I asked for criticism said it was really good and didn't bother to nitpick its extreme similarity to Fight Club.
I'm writing a romance next (shocking and sad, I know) between a painter with OCD and an aspiring actress with romance issues after breaking up with an ex that abused her. The main, um, I guess "plot device" for the story is the thin, wall that separates their apartments. Any cliches or overused tropes that I should avoid when writing a romance?
"His eyes were the color of FEAR..." "Wait, what is that, YELLOW?"
Ahr river
AHR TO THE RESCUE!
Similar to Beloved, yes? Or no?
In other words, a college professor's wet dream.
This seems pretty rad, do you think you have the drawing skills to accurately convey this? It seems like it would take a LOT of skill. I mean, I've seen your art here and there, just wondering.
This is the part where I go....ehhhhh? It seems a bit too straightforward and unsubtle. To me.
Up until now, I've felt nothing but empathy for Laurie, which is fairly easy to do, since everyone has a fantasy world. However, at this point, I feel a twinge of...her being her own worst enemy. Just a worry that it mind end up losing sympathy, if she comes off as...lazyish, I guess?
That...kind of comes out of nowhere...is he supposed to come off as a very evil person? I mean, not evil, but with the values currently set up, he is very much a dick. Then again, he is just trying to impress everyone, and I can see him getting caught up in the moment. But still, that will be hard to portray as that. Maybe.
I have a question, is she just genetically overweight? Naturally thick? Or maybe some sort of thyroid problem? Or could she be skinny, but isn't? This is more of a point I'm interested in, but I think there is quite a difference from someone being unnaturally overweight, and someone being naturally overweight. Mostly in the tragedy of it. One is a ticking clock of unhealthiness, and the other is societal repressions and what else have you. But this is not my story.
If you want us to hate him, you've succeeded.
Hmmmm. Is he a huge muscle or something? This is a bit generic, but I suppose it does the job well enough.
...damn...
Anywho, here is what I think:
It's definitely tightly plotted, although the door thing still kind of bothers me, but that's because direct representations of the psyche bother me in general, and it's probably a personal nitpick.
This is definitely something some people will love, and other people will be bored to tears by. I think I am somewhere in the middle. I think as you write it, the parts will tighten up, and I think the main things that need to be focused on are Eric and company, if only because if he's "real" and technically a "villain" he needs to be incredibly well done. But then again, I only see what you've put on the paper, so I could be underestimating you.
Read my stories!
(That Guy You Met Once)
Thank you very much. Especially for reading the whole thing.
Commentary, in order:
- I'd never heard of Beloved until now. Maybe I should read it, though.
- I've wondered a lot if I'm good enough at drawing (and writing) to handle such an ambitious project, and this is the conclusion I've come to.
- Maybe taking the labels off the doors - giving them designs that hint at what's behind them - then not revealing it until the end of the story, will help it not be so straightforward.
- That wasn't really intentional. The point was supposed to be that her mom gives her these kind of lectures almost every day, and she's lost the ability to focus on them. However, I don't think I remembered to put that detail in the synopsis. (Remember, first draft) so I can see why it would put people off.
- I need to work on what leads up to that scene. Maybe I could give Eric a reason to dislike her before this happens.
- It's hinted at being unnatural - especially after her depression sets in, she exists off of cheap food (her whole neighborhood lives in somewhat Perpetual Poverty) and doesn't go outside often - but never really explained, because for the purposes of the story, it doesn't really matter.
- I try to make it a policy that there are no real Big Bads or Obviously Evil characters in my stories, so I may have to change Eric's actions a bit. However, he's definitely supposed to be a dick, so I suppose hating him is better than the opposite.
- To keep this from being even longer than it already is, I tried to avoid talking about the characters' appearances except where it's important to the comic. But I'm actually imagining him as The Napoleon, without much muscle at all. (Part of why he's insecure and has to go for easy targets.)
- "Damn" in a good way, or a bad one?
Ahr river
As in it certainly made my eyes bulge, and the idea of just an entire world crumbling around made my gut wrench a bit. So I guess in a good way.
Read my stories!
Apparition in the Woods
For some reason, I have the strong urge to post an out-of-context fragment of my very long, strange work here. Yea or nay?
I'll hide your name inside a word and paint your eyes with false perception.
Ahr river
LOLNOPE. Got my response, and require no more feedback. :D
edited 9th Jan '12 8:50:41 AM by MrAHR
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Obsidian Proboscidean
Does anyone mind critiquing this? (I decided not to ask about the fanfic anymore, since it seems not many people here have seen all of the source material.)
I wanted to know if the pace seems too slow, or if it hooks people. I'd also like to know if the characterization is good (do the characters sound the same in dialogue, do they come off as actual characters and not just cardboard cut-outs). Also, is it funny (and if it's not your taste in humor, can you at least tell when humor was attempted)?
Also, after the end of the chapter, I put an explanation of the alien-related event (and change to the characters' lives) that I wasn't sure how to convey in the story without it seeming like an info-dump. I've tried to work this rule of the story's universe into the actual story several times, but it always comes off as telling instead of showing.
I'm currently editing (both the story and the pictures) the entire story and writing the ninth chapter.
edited 8th Jan '12 10:04:02 PM by BlackElephant
I'm an elephant. Rurr.
Bitter Hateful Cynic
AHR
Riley comes across as a bit of a douche-nozzle. It's the boasting that makes it a bit difficult to sympathize with him without any further context. All the other characters seem blank, names are meaningless, the only character who gets some sort of personality is Parson and he comes across as more likeable because he's got it right.
It's the set up you've given me that's to blame. I don't know these characters yet, so based on that encounter Riley is the guy who gets praised for doing something by others, but the only character to question it is Parson. Maybe I'm rooting for the underdog, but Parson feels a bit more stable and sane in this piece.
Other than that Riley isn't really interacting, he's boasting while other characters praise him, or he uses every question as an opening to tell people how amazing he is. I don't feel much sympathy for the guy. Parson gets those points, except that he could also turn out to be a really sore loser,in which case there's no sympathetic character based on this piece.
I do like the situation you've presented, it raises questions, questions I want to see answered.
Ahr river
All right. I wanted him to be a subtle douche, and since Cakman already knew his fate, he was having trouble seeing Riley as the personality in the present.
edited 9th Jan '12 6:52:42 AM by MrAHR
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Apparition in the Woods
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
Pretty much the same. I am aware of the total lack of context, and assumed that the character was supposed to be a bit of a prat, but yes. Not as much to go on as I'd like.
In which case, if that was bad, then this will be dreadful:
It was warm, and everything hummed.
Though properly booted and wrapped, as Perry and Emil had made sure of, they moved haltingly and with a torpid caution. Where they went slow, they were frozen pitch with hairs and skin and bones beneath; where quicker, they shifted in quick shocks, turned in curious arcs. They did not speak, as the words, they knew, could be lost and twisted, nor did they look to each other. Rather, they held hand to hand, moved with side to side, tethered at the waist. A pull or a quick grip had a meaning, as did a doubled tug, a twist, in its own right a letting-go, though they dared not. It took the better part of the night to cross, and they retired without speaking.
So... yeah, that.
edited 9th Jan '12 8:53:09 AM by JHM
I'll hide your name inside a word and paint your eyes with false perception.
Bitter Hateful Cynic
It's not that bad, it's just a bit fluffy... maybe more than just a bit.
I'm a sucker for lenghty sentences, but it's too easy to go overboard with them. I like your style, but I'm curious if you would want to keep up, or if you even could keep this up. It's very dense and at the same time very light. You're describing sounds and actions and states that end up becoming a bit hollow because you're spending so much time on trying to paint a pretty picture for the reader. Don't get me wrong, it's a pretty picture, but when does style prevail over substance?
Maybe it's because you throw in a line that's simple and effective that it makes the prose that came before, and after, stand out.
It's pretty to read, the first part stronger than the second part, and it manages to conjure up very vivid images and sounds. I'd say continue with what you're doing. Is this part of a short story or a novel?
Apparition in the Woods
A novel. A rather odd novel. Generally I write vignettes and narrative poems, that sort of thing. I think that it shows.
![[down]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_down.png "[down]"){kind=icon}
Best laid plans of mice and men, eh?
edited 9th Jan '12 9:27:43 AM by JHM
I'll hide your name inside a word and paint your eyes with false perception.
Ahr river
Blurgle. I wanted to keep my story away from the internet, but now that I'm getting this feedback, I am interested in what others will think of it. Should I make a thread for it or not. Unlike Sage, it will be 20 pages maximum...
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@AHR: Feel free to make a thread. I'll try to comment on it when I have time.
@JHM: I am very impressed by the uncanniness of your scene. It manages to be quite terrifying purely by twisting the laws of physics, without resorting to physical horrors like gore or monsters: that's always a plus in my book. On the downside, the language is a bit too florid (always IMO, of course). You could prune the verbiage a bit without losing the surrealism.
Some more specific comments:
In the first sentence, I think "metamorphosed musical" could be cut to make the sentence flow easier.
"Angles are twisted to deeper dimensions by the illusions presented to them," I love this description, but "presented to them" doesn't seem right with an inanimate object (unless "them" refers to the characters rather than the angles). You might want to think of a better verb.
"One could fall here, into the gaping pit, or rise all at once to a great height, and assume only a step forward." I really love this bit. "Assume" is a bit florid, but you're going for poetic style here, so I'm OK with it.
Also, "one" shouldn't be capitalised, since it's not the start of a new sentence.
The following sentence (about the soil) is great as well.
Purely grammatical nitpick: "shined" should be "shone".
"Torpid caution" is another adjective I think is a bit badly chosen, unless the characters are actually meant to be sluggish or indolent, which doesn't seem to fit their behaviour.
I don't have any beef with the rest of the paragraph. It's excellent, IMO.
All in all: a bit florid, but as my own writing seems to err on the side of simplicity, I'm always happy to read something in a more poetic style. Just trim down the excess words a bit and this will be gorgeous.
edited 9th Jan '12 2:22:36 PM by DoktorvonEurotrash
Critique for James (not really in chronological order):
-I like the part where the boss warns the protagonist about the new LCD screen. It's nice dramatic irony, but there's one min about it. Why would the boss tell him that out of the blue? I think it would be better if you first show him interacting with it, touching a button or two out of nervosity during the conversation. That would show anxiety too.
-You should drop the last line, because the paragraph before it is already a good(if not a little bit pretentious) ending and it sweeps out any seriousness out of the work. The rest of the humor is alright though, especially the lcd screen, like I said.
There is probably more, but typing on an iPod is annoying.
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If any question why we died/ Tell them, because our fathers lied -Rudyard Kipling