Your Funniest Tabletop Story

Was it some kind of letterninja?

Clearly, your gunslinger has gone postal

I guess arteries are a kind of letter in a sort of not-very-like-a-letter-at-all way.

Also, how did a letter opener get a humanbane enchantment put on it?

An ancient wizard had the tendency of casting "Polymorph Any Object" on others, but they remained the human keyword and since so many of them had damage reduction, he was unable to open the envelopes he turned them into.

Star Wars D6:

My Saurton Bodyguard has 7d6 brawling, 8d6 vs. smaller opponents. The group has decided to cross-train and I was chosen to teach our sniper's adopted human child (who is actually our tech expert) first. I tried to say, "no, this is stupid, I'll break the poor thing even if I pull my punches."

Turns out I was half-right, and knocked him unconscious with one hit, but he'd gotten some good hits in on me before hand. I told him I'd actually felt some of them (through bad rolls on 6d6 Stamina) and took him out for ice cream.

So, I'm part of the playtest for a new game, where you pick backgrounds-really vague shit. I had three background points left to pick, and since it's a playtest, it's not like we know much about what we're doing or the setting. My first background, of course, is "Arcane Scholar" 'cause I can actually even use that for my class feature.

"They Call Me Tomu: My other background will be "Messiah""

"And your one unique thing?"

"Has a seriously hot elven wife that's never shown on-screen."

edited 20th May '12 2:53:34 PM by TheyCallMeTomu

I finished a campaign a couple of weeks ago, so I might as well post some of the shenanigans from it.

We completely humiliated a beholder in battle. It spent most of the fight being dribbled like a basketball, and it eventually disintegrated itself. Earlier in the fight, my barbarian had decided to jump on top of it. It then missed in its attempt to blast him off of its back, scoring the killing blow.

We were tasked with kidnapping a nobleman as he returned to his home accompanied by an armed escort. I put together a plan that involved a a cabbage cart, a bag of holding, and a bucket of blue paint. It worked.

Our party's paladin went through a phase where he would provoke every monster we came across by throwing a rock at it. This includes both the above humiliated beholder and the astral kraken. Of course we spent half of the ensuing battle kraken jokes.

Thanks to a combination of off-screen death, botched intervention of the Raven Queen, and a corrupted wish, one character was a warlock who, when in a well-lit area was a male half-elf named Calon, and when in shadow was a female shade simply known as "The Shade." Both personas were "involved" with the party's avenger. I'm not sure what was going through anyone's head when this became canon.

We removed a drow house from the map. As in, not just the members of the house, but also the literal house. We dropped it into a pit. Long story.

Our party temporarily included a minotaur monk who was convinced that he was a gnome. No one argued, because if an eight-foot tall bull tells you that he's a gnome, are you going to tell him that he's wrong?

D'awwwww, that's adorable!

Got a good one from a recent game. The DM had adapted Mass Effect from another rpg rules, and we were there to playtest it. So eventually, we ran into a group of Geth (synthetic humanoids) that we had to fight. Unsurprisingly, they were no match for us, and we casually took out one per turn. The DM wasn't really amused.

• Me (the sniper): One clear through the head. 53 damages!
• DM (completely deadpan): Recoil, gargle and sparks.

That so unexpected and deadpan, we had to stop the game for a minute just to laugh. We then proceed in shooting the Geth into their torso, to give some variety.

It had been a long and traumatising campaign. The planet we were on was suffering a full-scale Daemon Invasion. Basically everyone who wasn't a heretic was dead. My character had recently been pushed to the brink of insanity by hallucinatory insects (he thought his arms were tentacles that he could use to fly. He is terrified of tentacles, and tried to run away from his own arms, right off the side of a building. When the party came to rescue him he tried to fly away from them).

And after all the awfulness, I was stood outside keeping watch when it started to rain blood. I looked at the GM. Glowered at the ceiling. Looked back. And completely deadpan, I told him "I whip out an umbrella."

Our Psiker chimes in "does... does he even HAVE an umbrella?" The GM, never taking his eyes of me, replies "he does now." After we were rescued it turned out the umbrella was a Warp Artifact and it very nearly exploded destroying an entire moon.

From Shadowrun, we learn why giving too many details is a bad idea, no matter how much the GM wants to flesh out the surroundings:

The chracters had to infiltrate this guy's apartment and plant fake evidence. One character (Luo) was scouting ahead ahead on the Astral Plane, checking for any magical threats.

• GM: Luo finds herself in the Astral Plane. Her companions appear as faintly glowing auras, and the world around them is dull, gray and lifeless. As she floats through the parking garage, she notices a small line of glowing dots— ants. Somewhere out there is the apartment building...
• Luo: I float near the ants, suspicious. They could be a threat of some sort.
• GM: The ants are just ants. But ants can lift 100 times their own body weight, which is pretty strong, so your concern is understandable.

edited 22nd May '12 4:41:57 AM by LizardBite

WARNING: This will make NO sense unless you follow internet memes.

So, my campaign utilizes a special system of "Party NP Cs." Basically, each encounter, the party has one (or OCCASIONALLY more than one) of a group of NP Cs that travel with them involved in the encounter. You know, Arbitrary Headcount Limit. It's for gameplay balance reasons, and also for realistic play limitations (I'm not perfect-controlling more than one character will full PC abilities at a time is really harsh!) So, the party comes across a samurai fighting off a horde of undead, and the princess NPC (who is actually a badass monk herself-well, if you ignore her really shitty die rolls that have doomed her to be a buttmonkey OOC) says "We have to save her"

The Kitsune's player: "I need to create a meme. Scumbag Okui:"

"We have to Save her"-Doesn't fight in battle.

I get it!

...and now I think I need to get out more. Or possibly laid.

Or both.

This is from the Warhammer Fantasy game that I'm in:

So far, we have:

1) A PC tollkeeper shooting the nobles running after the main party (who were just a bunch of rags) so that he could join

2) A guy named Karl Heinekein with a thunder bust, full stop. And he died tying himself improperly when jumping off a building (after killing a bunch of orcs).

3) Related to above, the party slaughtered so many orcs that they got worshipped by the remaining survivors (before Karl Heinekein jumped off th building)

4) Orcs drowning themselves when swinging off a boat because they failed their Agility checks.

5) An elf telling twenty or so drunks to crash a noble's party and call themselves "William Cochburn", which is also the name of the spy in the party (and the city ended up with a bunch of people doing random crap calling themselves "William Cochburn").

6) the party robbed a gun store successfully, but escaped in the sewers and got ambushed by skaven, ending up blowing up the entire sewer destroyed half a district.

We're currently running a homebrew campaign in the Belgariad's universe (a few years before the events of the first pentalogy). After our party was admitted into the royal court of Vo Mimbre (two of our characters are nobles—Drasnian and Mimbrate), we caused more ruckus than the resident Murgo ambassador could ever hope to (but none of nation-wide consequences, thankfully):

• Our two Drasnians sent a scathing report to high command about the local branch, which is incompetent at all steps of the chain of command (the only competent one is the local boss' 8-year old daughter).
• Our Token Heroic Orc Murgo smith got the royal forgemaster fired for favoritism (he was too lenient on a young noble heir who was dangerously incompetent).
• Our medic (actually a Karanda shaman) signaled that the Mimbrate court doctor was "not motivated enough" in his research of a remedy for an Asturian councilman's heart disease (the doctor gave a very basic medicine while he found a better one in barely an hour of library research despite some difficulty reading Common).
• My Mimbrate noble epically narrating to the Court that we "fought"^note I can't actually say "were attacked" because our hired Algar escorts charged on sight; but those were intent on stopping us, hence the hired escort., a group of Murgo, two of which "made use of sorcery" (which means they were Grolims), in front of the permanent Murgo ambassador. The ambassador was livid.
• The very handsome Drasnian noble bedding noblewomen left and right.

edited 27th May '12 3:37:38 AM by Medinoc

... How is it that scrolling down with only a cursory scan of your post, I read "Two Drasnians" as "Two Drasnians One Cup?"

<Shudders>

Because of the word "scathing", I guess.

Well, that certainly follows.

So, my players have been having trouble following all the names in my asian setting. There's Masamune, Muramasa, and Murasame. So I made the following memory device:

Masamune, as in Mune, as in breasts, as in Masamune Okui, the big breasted samurai PNPC that travels with the party.

Muramasa as in Masa as in Masochist, because the family is the blade that draws blood, so you use it against masochists.

Murasame as in same, because it's really the same thing as Masamune only less interesting.

Incidentally, it's worth noting that my otherwise very, VERY... interested character has yet to remark on her assets. Not sure yet if there's an entirely good reason for this.

It's probably because Okui's b00bz are an Informed Ability. It's mentioned in the narrative on occasion, but rarely does it come into play. Except that one time when Moriko was grabbing for the Stone of Earth-

Nope, keep guessing. I've gone out of my way not to bring it up.

Then it's probably because I as a DM just can't handle romance :P

Actually I vaguely recall you bringing it up once but I don't remember what it was XD

Champions. Local store owner is running a low-powered X-Files style game. We're staked out in the middle of nowhere after some teen girls confessed that they were dabbling in the occult and some odd event was supposed to take place that night. A mysterious man in black shows up and walks up to our car.

• Stranger: I came here to meet two teenage girls. You're not teenage girls.
• Me: And you're not the cute 14 year old boy you claimed to be on Myspace, so I guess we'll call it even.
• Stranger: And what are you doing here?
• Agent Motormouth: We're here about the book.
• Stranger: Book? What book?
• Me: You don't nee-
• Motormouth: The one right over there.
• Me: -facepalm-
• Stranger: Who sent you, anyway?
• Me: The government.
• Stranger: Ah, are you part of that paranormal team I've been hearing about?
• Me: You're free to assu-
• Motormouth: Who told you about us?
• Me: Dammit! Quit telling him everything!

Dnd Ebberon setting campaign.

So the mission was to protect a newly built airship during its christening ceremony. Among our party were a a warforged fighter, an elvish archer, a cross-dressing bard, and me the dwarvish ranger.

Things were going pretty well all told, our bard entertained the party-goers with some tunes, our archer and warforged patrolled the cabins area and found nothing suspicious. I decided that the best place for any sort of funny business would naturally be the cargo hold, so i went to investigate.

At the stairwell leading to the hold I encounter a pair of guards also on duty and request to inspect the cargo. They deny my request.

Now, the thing you have to know about my dwarf is 1st he's Chaotic Evil, 2nd he's none too bright. Anyway, I decided the best course of action was to pull out my flint and steel and attempt to set fire to the brand new airship.

The guards naturally attempt to stop me, only thing is they're used to dealing with taller foes and tackle the wall behind me. I use the ensuing confusion to enter the cargo hold where i discover a 20ft sq box bound in heavy iron chains, not something you expect to find at a party.

By the time my axe had hacked off half the chains around the box all 6 guards and pc characters show up in the hold all wanting to cart me off to the lockup.Then the box opened.

When I say "opened" I mean it exploded, as a 9ft tall warforged juggernaut shatters the box containing it and immediately relieves the nearest guard of his head via the warforges giant crab claw arm. Chaos ensues as the remaining 5 guards and 4 pcs do battle with this mechanical behemoth in the bowels of the airship. In less then 3 turns the guards had been reduced to a fine red paste and the only visible damage dealt to the monster was a small dimple in its chin left there by our own warforges fist. Once the beast got its crabclaw around our warforges neck I realized it was time to run. Our archer came to the same decision a few moments later and was promptly trodden on by the warforged as it attempted to follow me upstairs. In a desperate attempt to remove it from the ship I set fire to the staircase, unfortunately it doesn't give way and now the 9ft tall monster with a giant crab claw guillotine gains the advantage of BEING ON FIRE. He promptly floors me and now the last man standing is our bardic cross-dresser.Expecting nothing but certain death our bard raises his beloved adamantine lute and charges the 9ft tall fiery monstrosity.......

.......and rolls 3 natural 20's, instantly killing the beast.

total kill count

Juggernaut:8

cross-dressing bard:1

edited 5th Jun '12 4:32:17 PM by darknessbeyondtwilight