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Warp That Aesop / Twilight

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  • ''Das Sporking'' suggests several Aesops, of which perhaps the most cutting is: "If you think you are better than everyone else, you really are. Simply wait patiently, and one of the beautiful people will come around and lift you up to the status you deserve."
  • As long as you really love him, it's okay to let him stop you from visiting friends, break into your house at night, hurt you when you sleep together, get married at a young age, and have a child less than a year after marriage. And, if you really want to show your love, the best way is to cut off all your relationships with everyone but him!
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  • Women, regardless of age, have no worth outside of their relationship with a man.
  • It's acceptable, even admirable, for men to fall in love with a small child.
    • Additionally, Hikaru Genji totally had the right idea when it came to child grooming.
  • If a woman doesn't want to be married and have kids, then there's something desperately wrong with her.
    • And if she can't have kids, then there's something twice as wrong with her.
    • Actually, Bella believes exactly the opposite; "wanting to get married before sex is so out of date it's idiotic. Marriage is a pointless institution! I'm agreeing to live with you for the rest of eternity, but we're NOT getting married, that's crazy talk!" It's the narrative that proves her wrong and establishes the warped Aesop. Although that's probably an intended Aesop, too.
  • You'll be happier dead than without your boyfriend.
  • It's entirely okay, if not recommended, to establish romantic relationships entirely on personal appearances.
  • Abuse is ok as long as he is hot!
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  • What's wrong with marrying young?
  • Women have no choice in their relationships. Once a guy has singled you out as his, there is no escape.
  • Just because he ripped half your face off when you refused to go out with him doesn't mean he doesn't love you! Also, if he goes into a downward spiral afterwards because of his actions, you should instantly forgive him and become the perfect housewife for him and all his friends.
    • Be sure that you apologize for upsetting him so much that he had to rip off half your face in order to change your mind.
  • Screw The Guy Next Door who actually knows and understands you. Go for the relationship with an attractive stranger with whom you have no actual chemistry or compatibility whatsoever!
  • Necrophilia is awesome. So is bestiality. And pedophilia.
    • Wouldn't the logical answer then be to have sex with a dead puppy?
    • Don't give the author ideas for sequels!
  • Months of self-imposed isolation and attempted suicide are healthy responses to your boyfriend leaving you
  • Stalking, kidnapping, breaking and entering, false imprisonment and theft are all expressions of true love
  • There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend forcing you to break off all contact with friends and family members he disapproves of
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  • Admitting that, deep down, you would like to kill and eat your significant other is romantic.
  • Lust (in the guise of a Magical Native American) is always wrong. Abstinence (in the guise of a guy who can give you a Fate Worse than Death even if he doesn't want to) is always right.
  • If he attempts suicide, he is showing that he loves you. The best way to show your affection is to commit suicide. If he tries to stop you, it's because he doesn't want you around for very long.
  • Stable relationships are only for the dead and necrophiliacs.
  • A man without massive amounts of body glitter is unattractive.
  • It's perfectly okay for your boyfriend to blackmail you into marrying him, endanger your life, and cause you to be in terrible agony for two days straight. It's all in the name of love.
    • Additionally, there's nothing wrong with marrying a guy who refuses to have sex with you even though you're both aware that A:) Sex is something that you want very much from him and B:) Once married, you fully and reasonably expect to spend the rest of your life having sex.
  • If your daughter breaks her hand trying to slap the boy who forced a kiss on her, feel free to compliment him on his sexual aggression.
    • Continuing from the above: If a girl refuses your romantic advances, you should force a kiss on her, not stopping even if she clearly struggles and tries to pull away.
  • Ladies - don't waste your time on those boring, friendly boys who offer to help you get used to your new school, or invite you to hang out with their clique. Clearly, there's something wrong with them. What you want to do is hold out for the guy who sits in the darkest corner of the room and glares at you.
  • If your father is trying to stop you from dating someone he disapproves of, then he obviously doesn't want you to be happy. You should marry the guy and do everything you can to cut your father out of your life. First chance you get, have your husband's family tell him you died and leave the country.
  • Beautiful pale creatures like vampires are always superior to the average-looking, darker-skinned werevolves. That's the way things work, dear.
  • It's okay to manipulate others for selfish gain, gush over people's appearances and whine over others imperfection, as long as you're the protagonist. If a side-character does it, she's a bitch.
  • If you often complain or insult people, including your parents, in your monologue, it's okay since being more intelligent and mature gives you an automatic permission to do so.
  • If someone your age develops a creepy crush on your child, you should be more worried about the nicknames he's giving her.
  • Brown people are superstitious and probably magical.
  • If you're a girl that has premaritial sex, you'll get dumped for your best friend. If you’re a guy who has premarital sex, you get to dump said girl for said best friend and live happily ever after.

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