Hawkeye tries to help Private Jost Van Liter, a Marine, get reunited with his mother before she's deported, but the Marine's commanding officer refuses to let him be discharged early. While Col. Potter is away for a medical conference, Charles is put in charge of the camp, and immediately employs Klinger to his own errands while still running the camp.
Attention, all personnel! The following tropes are to be included in Capt. Hunnicutt's report:
- Can't Stop the Signal: After Col. Mulholland has Stars and Stripes kill the story about Private Van Liter's mother, B.J. points out he can only censor military press, and there's a civilian press train not far away.
- Everyone Has Standards: When B.J., disgusted at the lengths Klinger is going to in working under Winchester just because of how much Winchester is paying him, asks if Klinger also tastes Winchester's food for him, Klinger responds, "Please; there are some things even money can't buy."note
- Hollywood Law:
- Van Liter's mother married an American citizen and moved to the States from Holland with her son. After a divorce, she's apparently being deported. While she might not be a naturalized citizen, she would have been given a green card and would presumably be in line for citizenship as Van Liter had almost completed a tour of duty with the Marines while they were still married; once a person has been in the country long enough, their legal status is no longer dependent on the marriage.
- After Van Liter's mother is hired by the Dutch ambassador, Hawkeye claims she has diplomatic immunity and can't be deported. At best, she would be there on a diplomatic visa as an embassy worker. However, since she was being deported due to a problem with her visa, a diplomatic passport allows her to remain in the country legally note , so they're right about the ultimate result (she won't be deported) and just wrong about the specifics. Given that this information seems to be coming through several layers of communication, it's also possible that she really did just get a diplomatic visa but that the finer details simply got lost or mixed up somewhere along the chain, leading to Hawkeye explaining it not entirely correctly.
- Ironic Echo: "And there's not thing one you can do about it."
- Jerkass: Col. Mulholland, who refuses to let Pvt. Van Liter leave early to see his mother, and suppresses Hawkeye's attempt to write about it in Stars and Stripes.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Winchester may be using his position (and his money) to get Klinger to help his own ends, like getting himself silk sheets (though, as he points out to Hawkeye, he's not doing so at the expense of his responsibilities as temporary camp commander), but as long as Hawkeye is willing to follow protocol, Winchester lets him do his best to help Van Liter and his mother.
- Naked People Are Funny: After Col. Potter takes the camp back over, and refuses to give Winchester back his pants:B.J.: Somehow, we knew you were back, Colonel, when we saw Charles doing a 100 yard flash across the compound.
- Offscreen Moment of Awesome: B.J. and Hawkeye give Pvt. Van Liter the news the Dutch ambassador to the U.S. read the story about Van Liter's mother and gave her a job so she wouldn't be deported.
- Reasonable Authority Figure: Charles turns out to be one as a temporary CO. See Jerk with a Heart of Gold above.
- Right Behind Me: Col. Potter sneaks into his own office, pretending to be Klinger, while Winchester is listening to his music. Winchester then starts talking about all the other things he intends to do to bring culture to the office and change what "Colonel Cowpie" is doing; naturally, that's when Potter reveals himself, and Winchester claims he always knew Potter was there.Winchester: (Standing, with his back to the door, as Potter walks in holding Winchester's uniform. Silently, he helps Winchester put the shirt on) Ah, about time, Max! Now, I want you to get busy, fumigate this barn of an office, get rid of that saddle. The whole place smells like Trigger. If you could see what this camp could be like with a man of culture at the helm, instead of our old beloved "Colonel Cowpie".Potter: Ahem!Winchester: (Turns around, with a This Is Gonna Suck look on his face) Yaha! Colonel Cowpotter—um, Colonel! Ha, ha, I was just joshing, I knew you were here all the time!Potter: How'd you know it was me? Recognize my clippity-clop?
- Screw the Rules, I Make Them!: When Hawkeye and B.J. claim Pvt. Van Liter has come down with the flu and won't be able to return to the front, Col. Mulholland claims they can't do that, whereupon Col. Potter points to his own insignia to tell him yes, they can.
- Spit Take: When Klinger is ironing Winchester's pants, he takes a swig of water, and when he sees Col. Potter walk in, he's so startled he spits the water into Potter's shirt.Col. Potter: A simple "welcome home" would have sufficed.
- The Tag: Inspired by Pvt. Van Liter, Klinger claims he needs to get home before his mother gets deported, and Col. Potter, pretending to go along, assigns the task to his new company clerk - Winchester.
