Good morning! You have been in suspension for- *FIFTY* -days. In compliance with state and federal regulations, all testing candidates in the Aperture Science Extended Relaxation Center must be revived periodically for a mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the ceiling. *BZZZZ!*
Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at the floor. *BZZZZ!*
Good. This completes the gymnastics portion of your mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of it.
This, is "art". When you hear the buzzer, stare at the art. *BZZZZ!*
You should now feel mentally reinvigorated. If you suspect staring at art has not provided the required intellectual sustenance, reflect briefly on this classical music. [Classical music, interrupted by *BZZZZ!*]
—Announcer, giving the first lines in the game.
od morning. You have been in suspension for- *NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE ... NINE NINE ...
This courtesy call is to inform you that all Test Subjects should vacate the Enrichment center, immediately. Any Test Subject not emerging from suspension at this time will be assumed to have exercised his or her right to remain in Extended Relaxation, for the duration, of the destruction of this facility. If you have questions or concerns regarding this policy, or if you require a Spanish language version of this message, feel free to take a complementary piece of stationery from the desk drawer in front of you, and write us a letter. Good luck.
If the Earth is currently governed by a manner of animal king, sentient cloud, or other governing body that either refuses to or is incapable of listening to reason, th-
Hello, and again, welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. We are currently experiencing technical difficulties due to circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond our control. However, thanks to emergency testing protocols, testing can continue. These pre-recorded messages will provide instructional and motivational support, so that science can still be done, even in the event of environmental, social, economic, or structural collapse. The portal will open, and emergency testing will begin, in three. Two. One.
Good work getting this far, future starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe, and send back someone better qualified for testing.
Warning: Neurotoxin levels are reaching dangerously un-lethal levels.
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved compliments.
Alright, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons
, don't make lemonade. Make life take back the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers, to invent a combustible lemon, that burns your house down!
Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!
Here is a rough translation of the French dub:
Cave Johnson: Well, I've given it much thinking... When life makes you stumble, picking yourself up isn't quite enough...
Cave Johnson: You gotta bust her kneecaps, that whore!
Cave Johnson: An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth! Try to pick yourself up now, bitch!
GLaDOS: Go on! Break her kneecaps!
Cave Johnson: I swear life will dearly regret that day she dared make Cave Johnson stumble! You know who I am? I'm the big bad wolf who'll make your house collapse! I will order my engineers...
GLaDOS: I like that guy...
Cave Johnson: ...to set kneecaps on your house so I can bust'em! *cough*
GLaDOS: He dares to say out loud what everyone think deep inside.
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks "stupid". Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
Tell it to the bad guy. Maybe you'll make him so bored his brain will explode.
Hey, you know who found that interesting? Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life in anyway whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.
Do you ever notice nobody stops what they're doin' to listen? We don't care.
Say one useful thing. One! I dare ya! I would give you a hundred dollars if you say one thing remotely impactful to anything at all!''
—Rick the Adventure Sphere (various responses to the Fact Core)
''Oh shut up. There's nothing in space! That's why it's space!
Y'know what I hope is in space? Fire. I hope you go to space, and you catch on fire.
Damnit, we know! Everybody knows! Space! You! IN IT! WE GET IT!!!
—Rick the Adventure Sphere (various responses to the Space Core)
Normal Voice: Dad, I'm in space. Deeper Voice: I'm proud of you son. Normal Voice: Dad, are you space? Deeper Voice: Yes, now we are family again.
No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I literally do not have the energy to lie to you.
Okay, credit where it's due. For a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well-laid trap.
What, are you still alive? You are joking! You have got to be kidding me! Well, I'm still in control, AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX THIS PLACE! You had to play bloody cat-and-mouse, didn't you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well, now we're
all going to pay the price,
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE! Oh, brilliant, yeah. Take one last look at your precious Human Moon, because it cannot help you now!
GLaDOS: You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson: I thought you were my greatest enemy, when all along you were my best friend. The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: Where Caroline lives in my brain.
Announcer: CAROLINE DELETED
By completing all test courses, you have achieved Level C security clearance. You may now access all testing courses, and 3 of Aperture Science's 176 restrooms.
If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, god help you.
Plus, we fire the WHOLE bullet. That's 65% more bullet, per bullet.
Cave Johnson, we're done here. Chariots, chariots.