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Funny / Astonishing X-Men

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  • Kitty accidentally being late to the assembly Emma is holding for the students in the Danger Room.
    Emma: This, children, is Kitty Pryde, who apparently feels the need to make a grand entrance.
    Kitty: I'm sorry. I was busy remembering to put on all my clothes.
    Emma: So gushingly glad you could join us.
  • Wolverine sitting on the foot of Cyclops and Emma Frost's bed asking the former "what stage of grieving" their sleeping together is. Followed by him getting blasted out a window.
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  • Their first mission, rescuing the hostages from Ord, involves Kitty phasing people through the floors under said Ord's nose.
  • "Soldier... Who are you talking to?" *soldier looks out an empty window* "My swim coach..."
  • Lockheed popping out of nowhere and flaming Ord in the face. This leads to Wolverine thinking he should be team leader.
  • The party they had to literally crash to rescue? It was a fundraiser that Frost's family had supported for generations, and now that she's a public mutant she isn't invited. How she convinces the organizer to let her back in the loop? Threatening sexual obsession with Leroy Neiman's artwork.
  • Wing's succinct response to Kitty's "mutants are a community" spiel.
    "Miss Pryde......Are you a #&$%ing retard?"
  • Beast is analyzing a sample of "Hope", a "cure" for mutation, and is seriously considering using it. Wolverine starts a fight with him over it that spills through a wall. One student's observation: "So, what - the teachers spend all their time here trying to kill each other? This place is so cool."
    • Emma then breaks up the fight and gets the X-Men to meet in the Danger Room... which has been made to look like a child's playroom, with pink wallpaper, stuffed toys, and a tea set.
      Wolverine: Oh, this is really pushing it.
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  • Emma and Kitty, discussing the new mutant cure:
    Emma. The mutants aren't a community, punkin. They're pathetic sheep, begging to be shorn. Three students were missing from my ethics class, seventeeen overall. Logan had to break up two fistfights and a mystical swordfight. And that dreadful Guatemalan crab-boy is at Benetech telling reporters this is every mutant's only chance to avoid burning in everlasting hellfire. This is eating us from the inside out.
    Kitty: Oh, my god. You teach ethics?
  • When they attack Benetech, the source of the Mutant "cure," Scott is shot and bleeding out. His hallucination is hilarious.
  • Emma deleting the bad guy's memories: "You feel no pain. You will go straight to a hospital. Remember nothing of this place. And every time you hear the words "parsley," "intractable" or "longitude," you will vomit uncontrollably for forty-eight hours."
    Cyclops: "My girlfriend is very weird."
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  • The team is facing Ord for a second time, coming up with a plan that will probably involve his eyes and other "soft" parts. But before they can finish it, Beast, Logan and Frost are all surprised because Colossus, who has just returned from death, is standing behind Ord. That look is priceless. Ord assumes something else:
    "Is that dragon thing behind me?"
  • Wolverine's response when Nick Fury reveals that Ord has:
  • When asked how they know it's Colossus they just found, Emma tells Agent Brand she read his mind, Beast tells her he checked his DNA, and Wolverine simply says "I smelled him." Beast chimes in with "I also did that."
  • Colossus throwing Wolverine in a Fastball Special is his first act out in the sunlight. Doubles as a CMoA.
  • "You bite, I'll heal. I pop, you won't."
  • While the team is fighting a big monster in downtown New York (to which The Thing yells is supposed to be the Fantastic Four's gig), two pages consist of nothing but panels of Colossus and Shadowcat with their internal monologues about various emotional struggles. Then we get to Wolverine, who has 3 panels of nothing, followed by:
    Wolverine: I really like beer.
  • This exchange between Wolverine and the Thing:
    The Thing: Didn't they come up with a cure for your kind?
    Wolverine: You got a problem with mutants?
    The Thing: I meant Canadians.
  • The Human Torch worries that associating with the X-Men might make people hate and fear the Fanatastic Four rather than help the X-Men's rep as intended. Wolverine's response is gold.
    Wolverine: Then you'll get a much more interesting bunch of groupies, kid.
    Human Torch: (Beat Panel) Reed? Can we be evil now?
    Mr. Fantastic: Maybe after dinner.
  • While fighting a sentient Wild Sentinel, one that constantly sputs out smaller drones and is the size of a SHIELD Helicarrier, Kitty gets an idea that requires Colossus to give her a Fastball Special of her own to get up to it. After convincing him to do it, he finally does so, but evidently, someone grabbing you by the back of your clothes and throwing you into the air isn't the most comfortable experience.
    Kitty: OK...So...Serious wedgie.
  • After the Danger Room has been shut down by becoming sentient and leaving, Logan takes a bunch of new students down there for fight training. When one asks what the danger will be, Logan turns off the lights. One long panel of darkness, followed by a second. In the second, "snikt."
  • When Wolverine nearly kills her during training, Armor curses at him in Japanese. Wolverine immediately responds in Japanese to her horror.
  • Also from the "Torn" arc, when Kitty and Peter have sex for the first time, and Kitty ends up falling through the floor into the TV lounge directly below Peter's bedroom.
    Kitty: I can't believe I phased just then. That's never—it was all your fault.
    Peter: I like to think so, yes.
    • And the next morning, at breakfast, Logan just looks at the two of them and says, "About time."
  • Cassandra Nova, controlling Emma, regresses Logan to his childhood as effete, pampered rich boy James Howlett. How is he awakened? What else - A beer.
    "I'm the best at what I do, and what I do... is so terribly pretty!"
  • The highlight is probably his prayer when cornered by a feral Beast: "Dear God, I promise that if you let me live I'll be nicer to the poor, unless you don't like them for some reason and that's why they're poor."
  • To awaken Beast from his feral nature, Blindfold hands him a ball of yarn. One that is chemically treated to restore his mind.
  • Kitty's reaction to finding out the mysterious cloaked figure leading the new Hellfire Club is none other than a second Emma Frost, dressed with her costume from her White Queen days and proudly declaring herself as such, this just after already defeating the standard Emma Frost. Kitty's reaction to this glorious example of comic book weirdness is amazing:
    Kitty: *glares* Yeahbutwhat?
  • The Once More, with Clarity! page, when the mental dialogue is added in when they are discussing their plans. Especially Kitty and everyone's reaction to her.
    Kitty: I object!
    Emma: Bugger me, was that acting?
    Piotr: Is not courtroom drama, Katya.
  • "Can I help you?" "Are you a beer?"
  • Spider-Man's opening narration of his role in New York. It very quickly veers into Metaphorgotten.
    "Tourists can love New York. Me? Who grew up here? Who's lived here my whole life, who's crawled over every stone and swung off every cornice...I am New York. It's in me, in my blood, like a know like a blood disease but a good one, like a happy...cancer. Okay so clearly I wasn't bitten by a radioactive poet."
  • Then we get this lovely bit of Tempting Fate:
    "When you're part of a greater're know when something's coming. (Nightcrawler teleports into right in front of him) GAAH! Most of the time. (falls onto an ice slide made by Iceman) Some of the time. (gets blown off by a huge gust of wind) Nonono-hey windy now- Forget it.
  • The magical defense the "Breakworld bullet asteroid" has is a psychic attack, causing each hero to imagine themselves saving the world. Spider-Man imagines himself saving the world from a 10 mile asteroid...with lots of webbing. He cheers for a few seconds before realizing the impossibility of it all:
    "YES! Woo hoo! I did it! I...Waaaaait a second..."
    • He breaks Storm out of the spell by punching her (which initially enrages her), and then asks if she just saved the world "with a great big breeze"?
    • As things get increasingly desperate, he tries to snap Dr. Strange out of it by hitting him.
    Storm: At least, I think that's why he's hitting him...
  • From the "Gifted" arc, when Ord is losing his patience and raging at Dr. Kavita Rao.
    Ord: Are you INSANE?
    Dr. Rao: The casual observer would perhaps not look to me as the unbalanced one.