Funny / Adopted Displaced The Rock In The Gulch

• In the first chapter, when Church first finds filly!Maud, she clings onto his arm so tightly that the the armor gets crushed, establishing her as a Pint-Size Powerhouse.
  Church: And Captain, I'm going to need a replacement arm for my armor. Maud kind of crushed it.
  Captain Flowers: ...she did what now?
• When Tucker, being Tucker, first meets Maud, he starts saying innuendos followed by his infamous "Bow Chika Bow Wow!" in no time. Maud then calmly walks up to him and casually threatens him with a Groin Attack. Tucker doesn't buy it and asks how she could hurt him through his armor. She then punches his ankle, shattering the metal, along with the ankle itself. Church certainly enjoyed it.
  Tucker: (While clutching his ankle in pain) -OH MY GOD! Medic!
• When Church takes Maud to explore the cliffs, she begins to dig a hole to get to the caves (where Captain Flowers told them not to go until Maud was old enough). Then Sarge shows up.
  • And when Sarge first sees Maud:
    Sarge: (in a strangely soft voice) ...that is the most adorable mining tool I've ever seen.
    Maud: Thanks.
    Sarge: It talks! (points his shotgun at her, only for Church to grab it)
    Church: Point that thing at me all you want! But don't you dare point it at my daughter!
    Sarge: Your...daughter?
    Church: That's right. And she's a living, thinking being, not a mining tool...
    Maud: (Maud picked a rock out of her mane, finds gem fragments within it, splits it open and licks the gem vein before crunching on the two halves)
    Church: ...however effective she is as one...
    Sarge: Did...did she just eat a rock?
    Church: Yeah, I was pretty surprised by that, too.
• There's also Sarge's attempts to not curse whenever Maud's around. Like when he first sees her eat a rock, he says badaaaaaaaples, clearly intent on saying "badass". Also:
  Sarge: (to Church) Why didn't you tell me there was a minor with you before I started cussing you out, dam dirty Blue? (to Maud) Dam as in the construction used to block a river, which is what I'm going to use the bodies of my Blue enemies to build, which is why it applies!
  Sarge: What 'n (sees Maud) Helllllllllll's name is going on here? Hel being the Norse Goddess of the Dead, and short for Helheim, the Norse Underworld. Not a bad word, and totally alright to swear by if you're of Nordic decent, and you can't prove I'm not at least 5% Nordic!
• When Sarge threatens to shoot Church, he can't bring himself to do it with Maud watching. So, he begins to ask them to wait while he go gets Grif to do it for him. Maud punches him in the ankle for his troubles.
  Sarge: OH MY ACHILLES!
  • Church notices that Maud punched Tucker full forced, while she held back when she punched Sarge. Maud's response is that "family should know better." Church then notes that she's so much like Tex.
• Maud apparently has more in common with Pinkie Pie then she knows, as after meeting Sarge, she somehow ends up in Red Base.
  • At Red Base, Grif and Simmons are standing around and talking, like always. Then Grif says that a pony just broke it.
    Simmons: Pony? What pony?
    Maud: Me.
    Simmons: (looks down and see Maud) Grif, there's a talking pony in the base! How did that happen?
    Grif: You're asking me? I thought I was making it up to mess with you!
  • Maud continues to teleport while in Red Base, appearing in Simmons locker and then in front of Grif's. She's also getting agitated, wanting her "Dad".
    Maud: I don't like it. I want Dad.
    Simmons: Look, I don't even know what you are, let alone- (Maud now standing in front of Grif's locker) Wha?
    Maud: I want Dad.
    Simmons: I told you, I don't-
    Maud: (suddenly kicks Grif's locker. It goes through several walls before vanishing into the sky. Then a satellite, with one of its stabilizing wings torn off, falls to the ground in a fiery ball of death) I. Want. Dad.
    Simmons: (scared shitless) ...that doesn't seem physically possible...
    Grif Simmons, as loath as I am to suggest working hard, I think we should drop everything and find her Dad before we learn what else she can do that should be physically impossible...say, to us?
  • Right after that, Simmons makes the mistake of calling Maud "[his] little pony", causing her to show some emotion (anger) and stomps the floor, creating a large crack that leads to the door... Where Church shows up, carrying a beaten and battered Sarge, demanding what the Reds have done to Maud.
    Simmons: (scared shitless, again) She teleported! Please don't hurt me! She's right here!
    Maud: (calming down upon seeing Church) Dad.
  • Oh, and since Sarge was wearing his armor when Church beat the living crap out of him, Church's arm is seriously maimed when he finds Maud. The only reason he didn't notice was because his paternal instincts overtook his pain receptors for a little while.
    Simmons: ...Grif?
    Grif: Yeah, Simmons?
    Simmons: ...did you see his hand?
    Grif: No, and I'm doing my best to keep it that way so I can eat later.
    Simmons: But it was so-
    Grif: Not thinking about it!
    Simmons: How was he not in agony?
    Sarge: Sheer...nerve... A true soldier...can work through...any pain! And no soldier...is as strong...as the angry wolf...
    Church: (echoing from across the canyon) OHMYGOD! Why does my hand hurt so much?
• Due to Maud appearing (and Church particle destroying his arm beyond all repair), Medical Officer Frank DuFrense appears earlier than he does in canon. Church almost immediately calls him Doc, and Maud does as well.
  Doc: ...she's never going to call me anything other than Doc, is she?
  Church: Probably not.
  • Then Maud asks Doc if she could borrow his skull. When he asks why, she says she wants to use it to beat him to death with it, starting that "Mom (Tex) can do it". Church, realizing that telling Maud how much like Tex she is might not have been the best move, he curses. But due to the shitload of painkillers he took to keep the pain from his messed up arm at bay, he could;dn't think of any good ones and settled for the first one that came to his mind.
    Church:...crapbaskets...
    Doc: Oh, you say that too.
• Over at Red Base, Grif and Simmons are debating on how to help Sarge. Grif says that, with an absence of orders, they have to continue to follow the orders last given to them. Simmons is rather surprised by this.
  Simmons: ...wow Grif. I'm rather proud of your work ethic. I honestly thought you'd say that being without orders meant you were supposed to stuff your face and take a nap.
  Grif: Which is what I was doing when last I had orders..
  Simmons: And pride is gone.
  Sarge: ...Medic...
  • When Simmons asks if Grif has any medical training, he replies he only knows mouth to mouth. Sarge, being Sarge, immediately threatens Grif.
    Sarge: Come near...my face... And I...will bite...your eyes out!
    Grif: And I'm pretty sure he doesn't need that. Pretty sure 'talking' is a good sign they don't need mouth to mouth.
    Simmons: Well all I know is the Heimlich Maneuver! I seriously doubt if more compression is any good for him in this state!
    Grif: Well what do you expect me to do? Toss him a Senzu Bean?
    Doc: I've actually got a few of those! (Grif and Simmons turn to the door, seeing Doc walk in) Well, the equivalent thereof. Bone regeneraters, cellular accelerators, muscle boosters...nearly as good as a Senzu, if not viable in all situations. So who's the corpse, and where's my patient?
    Sarge: I still... function...
    Grif: The 'corpse' is your patient.
  • After Doc mentions he gave Church a prosthetic arm to replace the one he destroyed, Sarge wants one too.
    Sarge: That turns into a chainsaw! No, a shotgun! No...a shotgun with a chainsaw for a bayonet! (falls to the floor in agony) Damn my organs...
    Doc: Actually, I'm reading a surprisingly low amount of organ damage. I should have you back on your feet in a matter of hours. So no cybernetic limb for you, sorry.
    Sarge: I'll cut off my own arm if it'll get me one!
    Doc: I'd just reattach it. Besides, I'm fresh out.
    Sarge: Blasted Blues getting the best of everything. The cybernetic arm, the pony...
  • After Doc finishes, Sarge suddenly has a revelation about why they're here: Maud.
    Sarge: I know what we're doing here! I know what Command is planning! They knew the pony would show up...and she's a brand new Superweapon! This battle between Reds and Blues isn't about control of the canyon, it's about control of the pony! Whoever holds Maud holds the key to victory!
• The end of chapter 49 and all of chapter 50, as they consist entirely the "Rock in the Gulch" version of The Frantics' "Muldoon's Will" sketch. (More commonly known as the sketch that spawned 'Boot to the Head')