When Dirk Cresswell is exasperated by Fudge being so stupid he didn't realize the goblins had the ability to seize the Ministry of Magic's assets, he wonders "if Fudge's loving parents had also been loving siblings to each other." He thinks it's pretty likely.
The British Muggle Prime Minister chewing out Fudge for (among many, many other things) not telling him that Harry was just made Chevalier in the French Legion of Honor, as he's not happy about being shown up by France in anything.
Muggle Prime Minister: I let you get away with all too much, Fudge. You just show up here whenever you like and tell me half truths and partial lies when you need to wheedle something out of me. Well, no longer. Get this Harry Potter back on his native soil and I will have the Queen knight him – no, I'll have her ennoble the young lad, even better. Or we can discuss your resignation and next career. I believe the Queen might be in need of a court jester, you see, and you rather seem to fit the bill with your general portliness and level of incompetence. We'd just need to round up a patchwork suit and some pointy shoes, I wager.
The furious Howler that Marchbanks sends to Dumbledore when she finds out Hogwarts tuition has increased 200%, as a result of Fudge breaking the Potter Family Education Trust.
Marchbanks: HOW DARE YOU RAISE THE TUITION AT HOGWARTS BY TWO HUNDRED PERCENT, ALBUS! I STILL REMEMBER YOU AS A BOY GETTING INTO TROUBLE WITH ABERFORTH AND HIS GOATS! MY GREAT GRANDCHILDREN WILL PROBABLY NOT BE ABLE TO AFFORD TO ATTEND YOUR SCHOOL NOW BECAUSE OF THIS! JUST WATCH OUT, A GREAT GRANDMOTHER WILL PROTECT HER CHILDREN'S CHILDREN'S CHILDREN WITH EVERY OUNCE OF STRENGTH!
Fudge gets locked out of the Ministerial House because it's Ministry property and thus included in the magically-enforced government shutdown. To add insult to injury, Fudge discovers that the house was originally loaned to the Ministry by the Potter family in 1629 and has been donated for usage as a Magical orphanage.
When Voldemort hears that Fudge has driven Harry out of Britain, he's so mad about his plans for the prophecy being messed up that he orders Wormtail to assassinate the Wizengamot members who voted to convict Harry. Cue a slew of very silly assassinations, such as drowning in one inch of butterbeer, mistaking quick-dry cement for hummus, and getting mauled by a feral puffskein (which are usually harmless balls of fur that eat boogers and are kept as pets by wizarding households).
Harry decides to take up producing wine when he moves to France. The reason why is revealed when he sends a bottle of wine to Voldemort, who drinks it and subsequently perishes (alongside his taste-tester Wormtail) due to Harry cramming as many poisonous magical substances as he could find into the batch.
Sirius Black's first day as Interim Minister of Magic ends with him blowing up Azkaban with a combination of spells and Muggle explosives. The narration comments that "it was a rather wonderful Monday."
Chapter 2
Sirius decides to raise funds for the Ministry of Magic by having people pay a small fee of a hundred galleons to have Dark and cursed objects disposed of by Aurors for the next few weeks, then give them hefty fines of fifty thousand-plus galleons for any such items found in raids after the amnesty period. In addition to the wealthiest families being forced to pay the fines because they're in custody during the amnesty period and thus unable to pay the smaller destruction fee, Sirius' list of cursed items includes things like enchanted singing Elmo dolls and hair products "designed to make men look like slicked-back veela".
The newly-implemented aptitude tests for Ministry employees includes a provision to award bonus points to anyone who succeeds in pranking the exam proctor mid-test.
Sirius' Ministry employee referral awards start off normal, with a base rate of 100 galleons per person and the expected bonuses for referring anyone who succeeds in getting one of the more strenuous positions (100 galleons) or is from a foreign Ministry of Magic (300 galleons). The largest bonuses (500 galleons) are for referring anyone who used to be on the Swedish women's Quidditch team, is at least one-eighth Veela, and/or modeled for PlayWizard.
(Yes, an experienced French veela Auror would be eligible for a cumulative 1000 galleon referral fee. Get cracking!)
The list of sentient magical creatures given voting rights include Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, which canon heavily implies only exist in the imaginations of the Lovegood family.
The nomination questionnaire for prospective Wizengamot electees is very silly, in no small part thanks to Sirius' commentary on some of the prompts:
The question about naming political heroes has a request to not mention Merlin.
The section about naming recent political villains and explaining why the person filling out the questionnaire thinks of them as such states that opinions on Severus Snape (in addition to Voldemort) are much appreciated.
The question about the writer's opinions on blood status says that if the writer feels tempted to write "Mudblood" on the parchment, they should "feel free to burn (their) application" and save the Ministry the trouble of looking at it.
Sirius reflects on how his education at Hogwarts was rather lacking and how most of the magic of value he learned was self-taught. After a very long list of various Noodle Implements and other people being put in embarrassing situations, Sirius's narration reveals that the entire list was involved in one very good day (for him) in fifth year.
As part of Sirius' new Truth in Government and Media Initiative, any news media employee who publishes a lie will be severely punished. The penalty for the second conviction involves three months of writing the "Dear Hecate" column for lovelorn witches and wizards. The penalty for the third conviction involves being forced to watch a hundred hours of The Jerry Springer Show.
To raise money for St. Mungo's Hospital, Sirius starts the First Annual Naked Quidditch Charity Event featuring the Holyhead Harpies and a team of French veela, with Omnioculars to view the match up close at 38 Galleons a pair. Anyone who tries to sneak into the event without a ticket will be Transfigured into a goat and tethered outside the Hog's Head Tavern in Hogsmeade for a week.
Chapter 3
When Fudge is making plans to become a new Dark Lord and regain his old power, one of the items on his list is "Design a dark mark, a truly fearsome brand: perhaps a smiling monkey or a clown with red hair."
Fudge loses both buttocks in two separate accidents: one while splinching himself (despite having previously been Head of the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes), and the other after being mauled by a dog while he was looking for a suitable villain's lair.
Fudge attempts to kill a rabbit for food with the Cutting Curse and slices off three of his own toes.
The narration comments that Fudge isn't very good at conjuring food. While he can conjure marshmallows, they're "not very filling, and he jumped around like a deranged tick for a good half hour because of all the sugar, too."
While looking for food, Fudge robs some Muggle convenience stores, but when he runs afoul of Big Bubba Benson's All Night Shoppe, well...
Two shotgun blasts, one splinching accident, and many, many girlish shrieks later, a bloody Cornelius Fudge returned to his dark, dank lair. When he woke up five days later, partially healed in and around his chest and right thigh, he decided that the night's work hadn't been worth nearly losing his life.
Fudge's attempt to spread frightening rumors about himself doesn't work very well. His idea of frightening, mysterious and impressive rumors are things like:
Putting Scrimgeour under the Imperius and having him training a pet monkey and a cute bunny rabbit on the weekends, while killing Muggles on the weekdays.
Eating Dumbledore's liver with fava beans, manchego cheese, shiitake mushrooms, and a nice Amarone.
Making himself a dozen Horcruxes and giving them out as party favors after a gathering of Girl Scouts.
Having sex with an entire pack of veela. (The girl he tells this one to actually is a veela and throws a fireball at him.)
Eating unpasteurized cheese from France and surviving (which is the only one that's actually true).
When Fudge's weeping willow and flobberworm snot wand gets smashed by a security troll, he tries fixing it, gives up, and uses a stick covered in animal poop as a replacement. "It seemed to work as well as his old wand."
As an adult, Dudley gets fired from Grunnings, his father's drill company (for stealing 27 drill presses and leaving them in an alleyway), Sainsbury's (for feeling up an 83-year-old assistant), from Marks and Spencer (for punching 3 different customers in 34 minutes), from Debenhams (for calling his supervisor a "freak" and a "bloody, effing monster" more than three dozen times), and WH Smith (for exploding at a customer who asked him to recommend a book, "A book! I've never read a freakish, poncy little book in my life, you great bull dyke!")
After that, he ends up living in his parents' basement and making meth for a living. And at some point, he films himself rutting with a pig on camera for 17 minutes and makes it into a pornographic film titled "The Original Pig in a Wig." The DVD sells seven copies worldwide.
