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Fanfic / I Saw Grayson Kissing Santa Claus

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I Saw Grayson Kissing Santa Claus (FFN Link) (Wattpad Link) by pupeez4eva is a Batman Crack Fic.

The premise is simple: Damian Wayne, ten years old and attending Gotham Academy, learns about Santa Claus during a class activity and through a series of misunderstandings comes to believe that Jolly Old Nick is secretly a master criminal that routinely kidnaps women of various households so he can molest them. Furthermore, as the Wayne Family lacks a matriarch, Damian believes that Santa will instead kidnap the family's Team Mom instead — his older brother Dick Grayson. Thus, Damian resolves to defeat and capture this nefarious villain to protect his favorite brother's virtue.

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Summary: It’s Christmas time, and Damian is on a mission - to stop this ‘Santa Claus’ fellow from molesting his older brother.

Tropes:

  • Big Bad: Damian is convinced it's Santa. In reality it's Jason, who had the chance to stop Damian's "crusade" from the start and instead played along with it just to screw with their family.
  • Bad Santa: What Damian is convinced Santa is. The idea becomes so rooted in his mind that Bruce has no choice but to tell Damian that Santa doesn't exist to finally get him to let go of the situation.
  • Big, Screwed-Up Family: The Waynes. So much so that when one police officer realizes it, all he can do is stare at them in horrified fascination.
  • The Comically Serious: The entire story happens because Damian takes everything seriously, to the point of not just noticing the Unfortunate Implications of Santa's legend, but also taking it to its logical extreme.
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  • Cool and Unusual Punishment: For not just knowing but also perpetuating the entire fiasco, Alfred forces Jason to spend Christmas with the rest of the family.
  • Crack Fic
  • Entertainingly Wrong:
    • Oh, Damian...
    • Colin Wilkes too. Initially he was skeptical of Damian's claims, only to hear some Christmas carols and construe their meanings to fit Damian's reasoning.
    • At one point Dick is convinced the kids at school are bullying Damian for still believing in Santa and decides to tell Damian that Santa is real to cheer him up. As Dick later learns, that was the last thing he should've said.
  • The Grinch: After the Wayne Family DramaTM in the children's ward of a hospital summarily destroys Santa for the children present, the Waynes are accused of being Grinches.
  • Only Sane Man:
    • Tim is clearly regretting getting adopted by Bruce.
    • Bruce himself regrets ever becoming a father.
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  • Shipper on Deck: Invoked. Damian tries to convince Wonder Woman and later Stephanie into marrying Bruce so they'll be the ones kidnapped by Santa instead.
  • Team Mom: Dick. This is why Damian is convinced Santa will kidnap him after hearing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus". Dick is the closest Damian has to a mother at the manor.
  • Troll: Jason purposely eggs Damian on for no other reason than screwing with his family for the season. He even goes as far as dressing up as "a discount Santa from the $2 Shop of Hell" and breaking into the manor on Christmas Eve just for the sake of continuing the ruse.
  • Vicariously Ambitious: During Dick's first Christmas at the manor when he was nine, Bruce destroyed the magic of Santa for him by revealing that Santa doesn't exist. Dick was devastated and is desperate to make sure the magic isn't ruined for Damian as awell.
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