The next entry will be a Professor Layton fanfic in which the only "puzzle" is figuring out how it's connected to canon apart from using the names of the two main characters.
The title is a far cry from "a sad story." That one was a bit basic and obvious, but this one, "bleeding at the sped of sound
" makes no sense and says nothing about what kind of fic this is.
The summary advertises a fairly standard Canon/OC romance between Layton and a vampire OC, with Luke vowing revenge seven years later. This is one of those cases in which the summaries discuss events that are further along in the story than the author ends up getting, a bit like if "Unwound Future" ended after the time machine experiment, with Future Luke and many others relegated to the trailers. But given the quality of this story, one can argue that it's for the best that it remains unfinished.
The first paragraph introduces Kiyagakosh Rav'n, with an appropriately exotic and long name for a Mary Sue. For the sake of simplicity, and because her name is inconsistently spelled, I will simply call her Kiya from this point on. Kiya is a vampire who is a cyborg on her left side.
What Is Wrong With This 2: Kiya the Cyborg Vampire
- The Professor Layton series has no vampires. The only "vampire," Anton from Diabolical Box, was actually an old man under the effect of hallucinogens.
- The Professor Layton series has some degree of technological advancement, but it seems far from the present day, and most of the "robots" are clockwork mechanisms.
- As a vampire, Kiya should disintegrate when exposed to dayliight.
Naturally, Kiya needs blood, but her tastes are discriminating, and she prefers drinking it from hot guys. Unfortunately, when it comes to luring in her prey, she's a little too successful, and, because she's beautiful (as virtually every Mary Sue is), she attracts crowds of people. She likes the attention, but mentions that it makes it difficult to find her prey.
Layton and Luke arrive in the Laytonmobile. A basic description of them follows, with Luke inexplicably being labeled "obese" and Layton's eyes being compared to candy. Layton says he and Luke are here to investigate a murder. Putting aside how it seems overly generic and somewhat dark for a Professor Layton game (the closest they came was with Dr. Schraeder in Diabolical Box, and he turned out to be alive), one has to wonder if Kiya is the culprit.
"Herschey" Layton introduces himself, and Kiya does so as well. As he bows to her, she blushes, and finds him attractive. Naturally, this means that Kiya has to suck his blood, but in order to do so, she'll have to kill Luke, lest he tell everyone what she's done.
Given that Luke is, at worst, a bit of a Bratty Half-Pint, he's done nothing to deserve being killed. As such, any deliberate attempt on his life, especially for the reasons Kiya gave, would most likely result in the perpetrator crossing the Moral Event Horizon... and this is what Kiya is about to do. Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen.
Luke, oblivious to the danger he and his mentor are in, introduces himself, and is attracted to Kiya. Layton invites Kiya to Tres Bien. If you played the Ace Attorney series of games, you'll know that Tres Bien is a restaurant that serves terrible, overpriced food, not at all "Very Well" as the name implies (for those of you who know French). Luke gets jealous, but Kiya ignores him, until an opportunity to get rid of him presents itself. She challenges him to a game of tag, and he, neither suspicious of it nor as sensitive to childish things as he is in canon, readily agrees.
Once Kiya has Luke alone behind the building, she lets off an Evil Laugh and tells him that she intends to kill him so that she can have the professor to herself. I do have to wonder whether she's an intentional Villain Protagonist, since she has started acting like a cliched villain.
Luke lets out a Big "NO!" and freezes, but Layton arrives just in time. Luke tells Layton that Kiya is going to kill him, and she insists that he's lying before she starts crying. Layton, completely falling for her act, tells Kiya that he forgives her and he loves her, much to her surprise.
The first and only chapter ends there, with the author promising a second chapter soon. But given that almost five years have passed without an update, it's safe to call this a Dead Fic.
I took the Mary Sue Litmus Test for Kiya. Here's her answers.
All Characters 1d.Yes. 4.Yes, Kiya says so in her narration. 4a.The crowds of guys who follow Kiya around seem to qualify. 4b.Considering that Luke's plotting revenge in the as of yet unpublished part of the story, over being rejected, this would seem to qualify. 75a. Yes. 78a.The relationship progresses very quickly, to the point of love a few minutes after meeting. g.This one's debatable. Unwound Future was already released in Japan at the time but not in the US, so it's likely that the author never heard about Claire.
Fan Characters 2.She's the first-person narrator, but she shows up at the start of the story. 2b. ...and in the first paragraph, no less. 2a.The "minute" part is arguable, but she is described in great detail 18. Two checkmarks; one for Layton and one for Luke. I would argue that the main characters should have a separate category from main characters. 20.One checkmark for Layton.
De-Suifiers 24b. Arguably, while this does deduct from her score, it's not exactly a good thing for someone who's supposed to be the hero.
In the end, I got a 26, which is fairly high for how short the story is. While Kiya hits a large number of points for her character description, and for the establishment of the Love Triangle, both of which have to happen early, she has relatively few actions in the course of the story that would make her come off as improbable.
So that's all for this time. It's one of those fics that are written by those who only have a cursory knowledge of the canon at best, has very little buildup for the romance, and most likely ended in part because the author wasn't sure where to go next. All these are recurring problems with bad fan fiction, so it should be emphasized that good fan fiction requires knowledge of canon, a lot of work, and knowledge of how to tell a story. Because the author lacked these, the story will likely remain incomplete.
The Bechdel Test: Fails Condition #1. As far as we know, Kiya is the only female character.
Comments
Ah, its nice to test how much I know about storytelling by reading bad ones or reviewing them. Can't wait for your next abomination (the fanfics to clarify).