Slowzombie is blind about Dark, The Adventures of Dark Yagami

and stabbed Near near (ITS A JOKE!) the heart

Am I the only one who hasn't gotten sick of that? (IT'S A QUESTION!)

Behold the only good thing to come out of this fic.

What are you saying? Are you saying the entire thing isn't so bad it's good? Because if so, you're wrong.

Well most of the fic is So Bad Its Horrible to me, but gems like that push it into So Bad, It's Good territory for a little while.

YMWV of course.

Indeed, I think this fic is So Bad It's Good. Seriously, I laugh the entire time when I read any of your posts. Hell, I'd probably laugh reading the fic raw, too.

edited 1st Dec '09 6:00:53 PM by KrisMahai

I have read the fic raw and I thought it was hilarious.

Well, don't know about you guys, but once I'm done with this, I'm not touching it with an eleven-foot pole covered in angry badgers

Yagami, now. This chapter is called «L Dies! but thats a twist!» ehm... is the fact that L dies a twist? If so, it'd be a foolishly foolish thing (done by a foolish fool) to reveal it in the title. This is why I'm wondering if indeed the author meant that there is a twist to the whole L dying thing, but we'll see, now won't we? The author informs me that this chapter is short, and much rejoicing is had.

So, this chapter starts with a phone call to L. He may allready have won a trip to Florida. L, the genius detective reply to this? «How did you get my number?» for example? Hahaha...no, of course not. “OMG THAT IS SOOOOO SWEET!” L bellowed “I WILL TAKE WATARI WHO IS LIKE MY DAD ONLY HES NOT ALSO LIGHT WHO AM F-CKING!” We're at the point where I'm considering to start using alternative character names, mostly since this is about as much L as I am Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Anyway, L does not even react when he's asked for his real name. And the name he gives, Lind L Taylor, I must remind you, is not a name he actually took and used for himself, if you forgive the degree of nerdyness I'm currently displaying. At this point, though, L states the following: ... hey wait a minute! This is atrick! Im not telling you my reel name cos you will Death Note me and stuff!

So... L goes from complete utter idiot to clarvoyant wunderkind in a sentence. That's... well, getting slightly closer to the original characterization, at least? Well, indeed, it was Darks genious plan. We get to know this because we immediately cut to Dark lamenting how said genious plan didn't work. Night, however, wants to give it a go. How does she do this, you might ask? She takes a train to wherever L is at the moment, gets naked, knocks on his door and goes like so: “I will sex with you if you tell me your real name.” Damn, this Night character really is a nice and interesting character, I'm glad we get to know her. Anyway, L's response “Sorry but im gay” and slammed the door in her face. Again, why doesn't L at any point start noticing there's an awful lot of morons trying to figure his true name? Because it's the adventures of Dark Yagami, of course.

Well, Night is not one to be discouraged by such petty setbacks, though. So... Night cut her hair and took off her lipstick and got a tattoo that said “IM A DUDE” “Hello you sexy man” said L and let her in cos she was naked and looked like a guy. Ok, seriously, is this for laffs? L isn't just stupid, he apparently can't see all that well. I mean... sure, a girl can get wicked convincing in drag, anyone who's seen Boys Don't Cry can back me up on that, but naked, without any further preparation? Now that's a stretch. Of course, as I'm finishing this little mini-rant, I'm realizing that Night's skin might be some sort of everything note and tatooing «IM A DUDE» actually make it so... or, I would believe that, if anything like this had been mentioned or even be hinted at at any point. Heck, «looked like a guy» makes her sound like the best goddamn F-M crossdresser in the world. Oh, and once inside, she finds the Life Note and... stuffs it in her bra. Again, the author seems to be unable to understand the basic concept of the word «naked,» also, I realize some sort of binding is neccesary, but is a bra REALLY a good choice for trying to look like a dude?

They gay sexed for ages and ages then L told her his real name only it wasn’t cos he was smart and gived her a fake so she couldn’t kill him which is why he’s like the smartest dude in America. And L is again showing some semblance of his canon self, with the fake name, of course. Then again, there was a lot of Ho Yay... nevermind. As for her disguise holding up to such scrutiny... well, I'm just writing this off as Night being the Uke and leaving it at that. After Night fails to get L's true name, it's Near's turn. Again, the author seems to forget that Near was Killed Off for Real about a chapter ago. Doesn't really mean all that much, though, since L's true successor and the bane of Kira once again gets written off as a completely ineffectual overgrown child. Don't get me wrong, I don't really like Near all that much, but honestly, he gets his share of crap in this fic. Which reminds me, where did Light go in the middle of all this madness. Nevermind, let's just get on with it.

Dark is understandably pretty pissed about all of his genius plots failing. “F-CK!” he screamed so loud that a church blew up. “NOW HOW CAN I KILL THE DUDE?!” Are we sure Dark isn't the Antichrist? Or just plain Satan, I mean, screaming at such a volume that consecrated buildings blow up is not something one just does. Well, Dark comes up with a plan, because he is THE SECOND SMARTEST DUDE IN AMERICA! Rant, chapter one, you know what to do. Also, isn't it pretty much stated that Light is smarter than L? Well, nevermind that. So he planed all night and even stoped sexing with rock stars like hanna montanah so he could do more planing. I... just don't have any words. No matter how I twist and turn it, I can't snark any more on this, there's... just no more snark left. Granted, Ms. Steward just turned eighteen, but you know what, I'm not going to speculate on when this was written, Dark has allready a list of sins so long I could motion to have him replace Lucifer in the Ninth Circle of Hell. Honestly, this guy makes Light look like a genuinely nice guy, that's an achievement.

Well, it turns out Dark's plan just might work. He plans to get the Life note away from L and then just Royal Death Note him to death. A reasonable plan he could have done even before there was a Life Note, but hey, let's just forget that. Night reveals that she allready stole L's Life Note, which makes Dark a little peeved, of course. Realize, no one steals the Marty Stu's thunder, not even his Mary Sue Distaff Counterpart clone.

Well, L gets killed and his ghost mourns over the fact. Ghosts? In my Death Note? It's more likely than you think, apparently. Everyone was sad except for the dudes that hated L which was lamost everyone so i should have said noone was sad which was true and there were big parties on the streets. Without L Dark and light and misa and also yotsuba and night and that x-kira dude no ones heard of were able to go all Kira and kill loads of evil dudes. Wait... Yotsuba? When was he sympathetic to the Kira crew? Never mind that. It's over now, right? The Marty Stu wunderkind has finally extinguished this story's sad excuse for an antagoinst, and we can all go home. Right?

Hehehe... of course not. We cut to some undetermined time after L's death. This is probably a good thing, since no ammount of Timey-Wimey Ball can help make this fic's mangled timeline make sense. Dark is on his «yot,» I'm assuming it's supposed to be yatch, when he finds the Talk to Dead Dudes Note and it worked a bit like msn or something. Ok, I hate to say it, but this idea is rather entertaining. Sure, it shoves the previously mentioned white-hot poker farther up the Death Note mythos' ass, but the idea could actually be used for some decent lulz, again if it was given to any author worth his salt. What follows is a short conversation in rather standard netspeak between Dark and the «mysteriosu» dead person whom he is currently chatting with. Surprise, surprise, it's L, and he's going to haunt Dark's ass.

WOT A F-CKIN TWIST! SAY TURNED FOR MY NEXT CHAPER “THE HAUNTING OF DRAK YAGAMI!” IT WILL BE SWWWEEEEET!” L IS GONNA BE A GHOST AND HES GONNA BE HAUNTING SHIT ITLL BE SO SWEET SO READ IT BUT NOT YET COS IT DOESNT EXIST YET EXCEPT IF IT DOES LOL! Ok, dude, M. Night Shyamalan called, he wants his most infamous gimmick back. Seriously though, these twists aren't... well, I can't call them predictable, considering this mess of a story is more than a little rusty around the joints, and... well, everywhere else. For that reason, though, they're not very good either. Oh, and that could just be me, as a writer whose M.O includes a deep hatred for every line he writes, but authors who hype their own trainwrecks like it's the next Twelve Angry Men, or even the next Fight Club, for that matter, kind of annoys me. As an additional note, I find it hard to really get mean to a fic when I'm listening to Christmas music. Maybe I should switch to Slayer or something.

Doubleposting again. I truly am notorious. Well, when you have the fortitude and sanity to do a chapter of Dark Yagami, you don't exactly wait, now do you?

Anyway, this chapter is called "The haunting of Dark Yagami?" I'm a bit puzzled by the question mark there, but I'm certain this fic will puzzle me more by the time I'm through. Well, the authors notes seem to be less and less snark-worthy as time passes. The author does give us this little tidbit of English Teacher-murdering fun, though. But now i has summer vacashn adn its righting time! He's starting to sound more than a little like your garden-variety lolcat to me, but hey, lolcats can still write coherently... right?

We begin our story in the land of the dead. Yeah, No Afterlife-Death Note has a land of the dead. Well, here, L finds the "Talk To Not Dead Dudes Note." I can't help but chuckle. I mean, you could call it "Talk To The Living Note" or even "Talk to living dudes note," but no, there's something oddly entertaining about people taking the least effective route possible.

Well, L decides that it's time to get serious. He takes the magic train to the middle of heaven which was one of thos japanish trains that goes very fast and it only took a second because it was powered by nuclears and magic. and then... well, he confronts god. “I’M L AND I’M F-CKED UP WITH BEIN DEAD! MAKE ME HELFY AGEN OR I WILL SHOT YOU IN THE NOSE” he shouted at god who got all scared. You know, this isn't very L-esque at all, but that still doesn't change that he is completely and utterly Bad Ass in this situation. I mean... when you threaten God, and actually get the desired response, that's saying something.

Anyway, God agrees to resurrect L on the condition that “YOU WILL USE YOUR POWERS TO KIL....................................... LIGHT AYANAMI!” Wait... wait, Light Ayanami? Ok, that's just creepy, and yet another sign that the author might be pulling a fast one on me here. Well, if you haven't got the mental image of Light piloting a Humongous Mecha / Eldritch Abomination, or him hugging people and making them go pop, you clearly are not quite as nerdy as me

Well, to get back on track, L doesn't want to kill Light, so what does he do? He pulls a knife and threatens God with it. You know what, that's crazy. Crazy Awesome. Sure, it doesn't make much sense, but at this point, who cares? God helpfully points out that Light wants to take over the world. He really shouldn't worry about that, because Light has pretty much been reduced to L's boytoy while Dark runs around, alternating between tapping all available ass and taking over the world (OF COURSE!) So, why The Almighty Father is more concerned with Light? Honestly, I have no idea.

Oh, but the hits just keep comming, because L agrees, but says that he can't tell God his real name because in case it gets death noted again and this time for real. So just in case God tells someone about it, he can't divulge his real name? Great gravy, a deity of that magnitude shouldn't have any problem finding about stuff like this anyway. So much for all-knowing, I guess. Well, God then tells L that he'll have to settle being resurrected with Convenient Plot-Furthering Note #32, the Ghost Note. And as it is written, L turns into a ghost. His reaction? “HA AH HA I LIED! I WON’T KIL LIGHT ILL KILL HIS BRO.............................. DARK!” “F——————————————————————————————————————————-CK!” roared god as dark ran away. He was god so he didnt swear except now he did. Oh boy, again with the overuse of the ellipsis and... is that supposed to be censoring? I'm not sure, but I guess that's what it's supposed to be.

Well, L runs away from God, which I guess is possible? Well, never mind that, back in the world of the living, Dark is in distress. He calls out for Blud Blud stopped swimming in the pool on the yot which was full of blood because he swam in it a lot and liked blood which is where he got the name and also because it sounds cool. Blood, blood, gallons of the stuff. Well, the two discuss the nature about ghosts. Despite Dark's fears, it seems to be the consensus that ghosts does not "exits," as it were. Dark's response: “I see I hop your right. I don’t want to find a bunch of ghosts cuming all over the deck.” Innuendo joke... on the rise... wait, did it again... gah.

Well, it just so happens that at that moment, Ghost!L appears. “im a ghost” L said ghostly and waved his arms to be scary. He was covered in ghost magicks and ecytoplasum and a mess on the deck where he had came. And we yet again add another bullet point to the "list of things rendered massively unimpressive or unscary by the Dark Yagami saga." Well, Dark isn't having any of this... ghost thing, I guess. He jumped in a jet ski and raced away. L jumped on a ghost banana boat and flowed. Blud was sad because it was not a blood banana but tried to eat it anyway. A ghost banana boat? Ehm... no, sorry, I've got nothing, this is just a smidge too silly. Luckily, the scene that follows is... actually just as silly, if not more.

The author seems to be aware of the expression Jump the Shark. They did a bunch of jumps over a wall and a cruise boat but missed some sharks and didnt jump them (ITS AN INTERNET THINGY) Sadly, he seems to be unable to realize that his fic started jumping the shark in the very first sentence, but hey. Well, the rest of the chase is, to put it bluntly, one hundred percent bumfuck insane. The short rundown: They encounter pirates, who are modern pirates, except they act like classical swashbuckling pirates, and apparently have wooden ships and a booty consisting mostly of gold, after some 'splosions, Dark escapes to that city place in erope with the boats and the rivers and the stuff i don’t know what its called. I assume he's talking about Venice, they drive around, cause explosions, other collateral damage and a dead person, except not (maybe?) before: Then the boats ran out of gas and started to sink! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY!

Buh... highway? Sink? Highway? Sinking in the middle of the highway? On what insane plane of insanity does this make any semblance of sense? Did the author even think twice about this, let alone actually reading through what he's written before submitting it? Well, the two end up discussing why L chases Dark. Turns out, L is a bit pissed that Dark killed him. Dark, however, blames it all on Night. “THEN WE KILL HER!” “I AGREE” said blud eating the blood banana boat. Wait, wasn't it just described as not being a blood banana boat? I just don't know any more.

In his closing notes, the author states that he never liked the character Night anyway, and for that reason, she's going down in the next chapter. Well, what do you know, the author and me agrees on something at last. Still doesn't change the base fact though, that if the author wrote down and contemplated just what all the story elements he threw in there actually would mean for the story, he'd have avoided his most silly mishaps.

Well, tune in next time folks, where Night gets her swansong, or her off-key quacking, considering she's fallen from the Author's Grace. Unless, of course, the author changes his mind, again.

edited 5th Dec '09 8:47:23 AM by slowzombie

This fic gets more and more insane and hilarious as it goes along. Soon it will be nothing but "HIUGEYTBSSFFSHWSSJWHHHHGGGGNNNN!!!" gibberish and it will be awesome!

«L Dies! but thats a twist!»

*Gasp!*

I love how this went from "there won't be slashing in this fic don't worry" to "they were gay sexing for hours".

the boat sank in the highway WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT secondly the boat drove on the highway it's knight rider style or the roads are water in this world due to the everything note

the boat sank in the highway WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT secondly the boat drove on the highway it's knight rider style or the roads are water in this world due to the everything note

I think when he said highway he was referring to a canal. Don't listen to me, I'm just trying to justify it in my mind. xD

So hey, it turns out God isn't as great at handling rebellion as we thought all along.

How does a boat running out of gas make it sink, highway or no?

EDIT: You'd better sit down before reading this spoiler, Slowzombie. Although you probably are anyway. ANOTHER CHAPTER OF THIS FIC HAS BEEN RECENTLY POSTED. THIS MEANS THIS IS STILL GOING ON.

edited 5th Dec '09 2:46:53 PM by Idler 2.0

A new...chapter? Dear sweet merciful balloon-abomination Cthulhu... I'm guessing that this means this thing has no foreseeable end, but you know what? I can snark as long as he can write. This just got personal. To demonstrate that no ficcer's getting the better of me, I'm firing up yet another chapter.

This chapter is called "Good night Night ITS A PUN" Isn't it great that the author points out his own puns? I mean, how could we spot it otherwise? The author notes goes like so: Some guy told me that im on Tv Tropes now which is like a wikipedia but for tv or something!! THIS A FAMOUS STORY BUT I WONT LET IT GOT TO MY HEAD EVEN IF IM AWSEOM! Im not on tv but i guess death note is and thats why they licked it? Hey... hey... hey... hey... I'm not licking anything, and least of all, I'm licking this fic. Alas, no-one told this guy just WHY The Adventures of Dark Yagami is on TV Tropes, but ok. Oh, and the fic apparently "has some sexy in it" in this chapter, we just can't wait, now can we precious.

Well, the story starts with Night. Night was naked becos she was sexy and getting tatoos that death noted evil dudes and some evil chicks too. She was naked because she was sexy? Well, that's some particularly insane porn-logic there, but at least the guy is fairly honest about why he does nudity, not any of that "it's traditional elven wargarb"-stuff. I must remind you, it's still possible to get a tattoo without being naked, but hey, let's not get realism mixed up in the fanservice, now shall we.

Dark and L is outside, spying on her, and for some reason, L seems to be enjoying the fact that Night's naked, despite being as uninterested as one can get just last chapter, but I yet again can't quite find it in my heart to expect any continuity in this trainwreck. Dark and L are armed with japanish swords and guns and a nuclear that L had stealed from the japan army. Japan has nukes now? That doesn't sound right, the fact that L stole one them even less, but hey. Why do they even need all that? They're one death noting from cutting this chapter to 25% of its actual size. Of course, when did this fic ever did it simple and clean, or even simple and sane?

The two makes a "plane." I'm guessing they mean "plan," but I've been wrong before. Several times, actually. So, this plan apparently includes L ringing the doorbell and hitting on Night. Night was lal turned on becos she had never sexed with l but she had gay sexed (AN: back in chap 14 lol!) but he dint know and that was different taked away his jeans and not his shoes cos he don’t wear them. Again, I somehow see how all this makes some semblance of sense, but I wish I didn't. Also, he didn't take of his shoes because he didn't wear the shoes he didn't take off? It boggles the mind, it boggles.

Well, the two enter Night's house. Just the thought that Night has a house of any kind is a bit odd, since she was just... what, created rather recently? Well, Night concludes that L wants to have sex with her, and this shocks him. Wasn't it quite obvious from the beginning? Well, it's because Night can hear peoples thoughts, in case you forgot.

What chapter of the Dark Yagami Clusterfuck would be complete without a bad sex scene? I could just skip over quoting this whole mess, but that wouldn't be fun, now would it? L lolled and she put him on the bed and they started to sex. At first they only sexed a bit but then they sexed more becos Dark needed to brake in and L had to make a bunch of noise so she wood not hear the smashy bits. Again, this guy describes sex as well as a blind person describes color. Well, L comes to think about how it's good Night doesn't know that he wants to kill her, something Night reacts... poorly to. And what follows is... a confusing, poorly written combat scene to go with the previous non-confusing, poorly written sex scene.

“WHAT THE F-CK!” she shouted throwing the bunchy scruffed-up detectiveman on the floor. She got on a marshal arts dressing gown and got it on and started karating poor L. He used his brazil dancing from the beyond birthday book and fighted her back harder. There were punches and kicks flying everywhere and stuff got smashed. A fire started when l’s fist smashed a science thing full of nuclears but then Night punched him hard on the man thing and he cryed and the crys put out the fire. The fighting all intents and the cloths fell of and then they got all turned on and started sexing again. Ehm... yeah, it's still not as brain-smoothiefying as the mess of an action scene in the last chapter, but that's not saying all that much. Still, one has to admire L, hatesex with the person who just tried to beat you up is one thing, but just after a straight-wristed Groin Attack? Now that's... I was considering to pothole to Wall Banger, but if I started doing that, I probably wouldn't be able to stop.

So, Dark comes busting in, wielding three swords at once. L's reaction: “NO! DONT KILL HER BECOS I LOVE HER NOW!” Ok... what? Wasn't this guy hard and strong in love with Light just now? Well, I guess good romance is hard to write, but any story romance should make some semblance of sense. Honestly, this is, without a doubt, the cheapest way to create drama and pad the story out further I have EVER seen, and yes, that includes Draco's suicide in My Immortal, or all of My Immortal, for that matter, but I'm getting off topic again.

Dark and L fight, and apparently things are very scary. Described thusly: Like if youve ever jumped in front of a bus and the bus was being driven by satan and there was a dead frog on the front and fire instead of a windscreen - thats how scary it was. When it comes to fear, it's fairly simple, show it, don't tell it. Honestly, it's a pretty funny description, but I'm not getting any vibes of fear here. It's Narm if anything. The next bout of insanity... well... yeah.

Then dark screamed and spat out the sword in his mouth and it went thru l with a splat and then it hit night to like a kebab and they both fell screaming. They hit the gorund a thousand foots down and died together which was sort of sweet. Then l remembered he was a ghost and couldn’t die. (AN: i forgot soz! Still its fixed now lol!”) Ok, I had actually forgotten that L was a ghost too, if anything, I guess it was because a ghost having sex, sword-fighting and GroinAttack'd seems more than a little odd. Granted, two of the three, I can imagine, but the third? I just can't see it. We are closing in to "the stupidest moment witnessed in writing EVVAR," ladies and gentlemen, we're not quite there yet, but I'm convinced we'll get there soon enough. I mean, at this point, it's very obvious that this guy does not read through his writing before actually posting it.

Turns out L isn't really all that bothered by Night's recent murder, and agrees to help Dark. Apparently, he doesn't know that it actually was Dark that murdered him, either that or the author forgot, or changed his mind, or didn't care. This might turn out to be a plot point, or it might never be mentioned ever again. Truth is, we may never know. I could muse more about this, but the following sentence is too great to pass. “i’ll do anything!” L gushed like he loved Dark which maybe he did a little but not really cos Darks not gay!!!! SERIOUSLY Looks like the author's getting desperate to get his point across, his points being how awesomely handsome, irresistable and 100% heterosexual his favorite brain child is. Not a Marty Stu at all, no sir-e.

Well, in a nutshell, Dark's plan is to usurp Sayu as queen of the shinigami, and he's going to "KILL SOME DUDES" Because of this, L thinks Dark has lost his mind. The joke is too obvious, but still, you can't loose what you never had in the first place, right? The author's notes finish off with the following: CLIFFHANGER ALERT! I WONT KILL SAYU COS I LIKE WRITTING HER BUT THERE WILL BE SOME VIOLENT NEXT TIMES! Well, whaddya know, again defusing any sort of tension or excitement there might be. Isn't it great?

Oh well, tune in next time as... Sayu doesn't die, I guess, and probably fight and/or sex scenes that makes no sense unless you happen to be the writer. Yay.

Some guy told me that im on Tv Tropes now which is like a wikipedia but for tv or something!! THIS A FAMOUS STORY BUT I WONT LET IT GOT TO MY HEAD EVEN IF IM AWSEOM! Im not on tv but i guess death note is and thats why they licked it?

...

That's amazing.

Also, spitting out a sword?

Like if youve ever jumped in front of a bus and the bus was being driven by satan and there was a dead frog on the front and fire instead of a windscreen - thats how scary it was

Holycrap sig'd. Slowzombie, thank you for diving into the depths of this fic to bring us such gems as these.

What can I say? It's me against the fic, man against beast(ly bad fanfic.) And for the spitting out the sword? Heck, Dark "Marty Stu" Yagami could probably eat the sword and fart it with the same lethal accuracy. Why? Because he's Night Yagami bitch.

“i’ll do anything!” L gushed like he loved Dark which maybe he did a little but not really cos Darks not gay!!!! SERIOUSLY

Dark may not be, but everyone's gay for Dark. Even L.

You do an awesome job at this, Slowzombie. I'm sorry this has been so painful.

Somebody made note of the reference to us already.

When do you think that he'll find out about this liveblog?

Actually, I just thought about that. I'm guessing it might be a while, if ever. I know, I'm practially bleeding Schmuck Bait here, I dunno, but time will tell, I guess.

That quote Haven has sig'd is just hilarious. Was it on purpose? Or unintentional? Hell if I care. This fic is stupidly funny. I have to say it must be painful for you though, Slowzombie. Keep going! CONQUER!

Either way, using fire instead of a windshield sounds like a pretty good idea to me!

I'm not the only one who is convinced that this is a troll fic, right? The difference between this and My Immortal, to me, is that this is funny. My Immortal is just painful.