The Asylum

After they announced they were making a film about a tornado made of sharks◊, I decided it's high time The Asylum got a discussion thread.

I've seen Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove, When a Killer Calls, Halloween Night, The Hitchhiker and Hillside Cannibals. The first two were fine (I was genuinely taken aback by how nasty WaKC got) but the rest... bleh.

Sharknado?

Oh, fucking yes.

What the balls?

What...I...PHYSICS?!

Well...The Asylum tops themselves...

yet again.

Just wow...

Um...

I honestly have no words to describe what the hell I just saw.

...did I just see a movie about a tornado made of sharks?

I want to rub my eyes in disbelief.

So this scene needs to be in Sharknado.

Heroic sheriff/scientist/whatever: Listen, Mr. Mayor, lives are in danger!

Mr. Mayor: What would you have me do?

Heroic sheriff/scientist/whatever: You have to close down the city of Los Angeles.

Mr. Mayor: Close down Los Angeles? Are you crazy? Do you know how much revenue the city of Los Angeles would lose if I closed down Los Angeles for even a day? Why, thousands... no, HUNDREDS of thousands of dollars. Who's to say that this isn't just some ordinary tornado, anyways?

(Heroic sheriff/scientist/whatever slams a pile of cow bones on Mr. Mayor's table)

Heroic sheriff/scientist/whatever: This used to be a cow. I saw it sucked up into the tornado when it hit the coast down south. These bones are what came out. Something ate that cow. Something in the tornado. Something... not human.

Mr. Mayor: So what? Cows get eaten all the time! Haven't you ever been to a White Castle?

Heroic sheriff/scientist/whatever: There are no White Castles in tornadoes. Or anywhere else in California.

Mr. Mayor: All right. So this tornado stripped the flesh off of a cow's bones. It could be anything. Maybe it sucked up a crate full of steak knives at the same time as the cow. But there's no evidence of a threat sufficient enough to warrant shutting down all of Los Angeles. Get out of my office!

Heroic sheriff/scientist/whatever: If you won't do anything, then I will.

(Heroic sheriff/scientist/whatever cocks a random shotgun he just happened to have with him and storms out of the Mayor's office).

I've just come from Sharknado. Best movie of 2013.

I got a big thrill out of watching Abraham Lincoln Vs Zombies. It was a bit clunky at times, but everyone obviously had fun, and the actor who played Abraham Lincoln knocked it out of the park in my opinion.

I think The Asylum needs to keep going in this direction.

Sharks are where its at. Here are a few ideas for the Asylum Executives...

Werewolves and Sharks have never met, you say? An American Were-Shark in Berlin!

Sharks and Demons! The Satan Shark!

A Shark Mob Movie! My Mafia Boss Is A Shark!

Sharks Vs. Zombies!

Sharks vs. Aliens!

Combining the awesome powers of Threatening Shark, Stuff Blowing Up, Chainsaw Good and Shotguns Are Just Better? Oh yes!

Die Hard on a Shark?

The Asylum: the New Milennium's answer to Monogram and American International. I could easily see Bert I. Gordon working with them if he was alive today.

I like these guys. Hell, I purposely collect their titles. They're always enjoyable, and I love that they have no pretensions about what they make.

By the way, I feel they have the second best film adaptation of War of the Worlds. Sorry, nothing tops the 50s version.

And yes, Abe Lincoln vs. Zombies was fucking boss.

edited 13th Oct '13 8:04:12 PM by HudsonHawk

Just watched Cleaver Family Reunion on my wife's request (she saw the trailer before Sharknado). It was actually a kind of cute movie once you got past all of the black stereotypes and ignored some of the more outlandish plotlines.

Just watched Super-Cyclone and I have a new benchmark for outdated special effects and bad acting...

And watched Hold Your Breath last night. It's a by-the-numbers supernatural horror movie with a ton of hilarious gaffes ranging from the closed captioning providing a different list of victims than the voiceover at the beginning, closed captioning providing lyrics for an instrumental song, a "Sanitarium" which operates solely as a prison, references to jacking off bobcats, and a mysterious transforming car that changes its model 6 times in the closing sequence.

Don't watch 12/12/12. It makes no sense. The special effects are horrible. It's just a bad movie overall, worse than the usual Asylum fare.

Heh... and I just now realized that, by making that page, I have the dubious honor of having written the top three entries for Horror Films, 2 of the 3 being Asylum productions. Incidentally, 100 Feet is one of the good ones.

edited 16th Mar '15 11:07:59 AM by FuzzyBoots

And make that another one. 13/13/13 is better than 12/12/12, and was entertaining in its own rights (albeit more morbidly funny than scary).

Mad Libs◊.

I'm not sure what to say...

edited 3rd May '15 8:44:59 PM by nightwyrm_zero

That moment when you realize Mega Shark has had more movies than Jaws.

That's because Jaws is kinda lame, just chomping fishing boats and swimmers. Whereas MEGA SHARK destroys planes, naval cruisers, bridges, etc.

I friggin' love Mega Shark.

A vein in my head is going to burst.

Bruce ate a helicopter and did it without being a mass of pixels.

Burn in hell, Mega Shark. Burn in hell, your pixel-y flesh being cooked for all eternity.

So, how long until Mega Sharknado, do you reckon?

Mega Shark is the spiritual father of my children.