A secretary is complaining to her boss that her salary isn't in accordance with her skills and qualifications. The boss sighs and says "Don't I know it, but I can't just let you starve to death".
my current job
...I don't get it.
The possum is a potential perpetrator; he did place possum poo in the plum pot.
FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC!
The secretary is so unqualified that if their salary was scaled to their contribution, it wouldn't be enough to buy food.
Quod gratis asseritur, gratis negatur.
He's implying that her skills and qualifications are...not up to standard, such that she wouldn't be able to feed herself if her salary was according to them.
In the name of being honest
What does a mystic experience when he meditates in a Turkish prison?
The deep state.
Okay I know it's super lame but I thought of it myself so YOU'RE WELCOME
edited 3rd Feb '17 10:45:03 PM by eagleoftheninth
Echoing hymn of my fellow passerine | Art blog (under construction)
Bringing Back Asexy
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
Ah, Gallows Humour. Gotta love it ![[lol]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/lol2v12_4863.png "[lol]"){kind=small}
A cowboy is riding swiftly across the plains, until he comes to a Native American lying on the ground with his ear to the soil. "What'cha doin'?" asks the cowboy.
The Native, without moving, answers, "Wagon train. Seventeen wagons. Thirty men. Thirty-five women. Sixty children. Eighteen cows and sixty horses. And fourteen chickens."
The cowboy, confused, asks, "How can ye tell all that?"
"Easy. They ran over me half an hour ago."
What did the Count say when he got wasted?
I see one, two, three heads! I just finished my fourth fifth... ah ah ah... ah shit... BLEAAARRRGH
edited 10th Feb '17 4:13:36 PM by Theatre_Maven_3695
my current job
You know that thing you use if you want to enter a German building but the roads to it are still under construction? Die Tur.
...I think some of my jokes are a bit of a stretch at times.
The possum is a potential perpetrator; he did place possum poo in the plum pot.
It's Like Arguing on the Internet
What do you call a nail in a coffin?
Death metal.
Somehow you know that the time is right.
Our Favorite Cowgirl, er, Mare
![[tup]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/Thumbs_up_emoticon_3268.png "[thumb up]"){kind=small}
Blitzy....
In the name of being honest
"The platform is good, but the execution is terrible. Next time, make sure to sharpen the axe first."
Echoing hymn of my fellow passerine | Art blog (under construction)
my current job
You wish to know how to cook toilet paper?
Oh, it's easy. You just brown it and then throw it into the pot.
The possum is a potential perpetrator; he did place possum poo in the plum pot.
Mario's not the only Wonder here.
Two police officers are having a casual conversation over the radio.
- Officer 1: Hey, did you ever get that weird-sounding song I sent you?Officer 2: 10/4
edited 24th Feb '17 9:37:03 PM by aNinjaWithAIDS
These two may literally be more bark than bite, but they are no less tenacious than everyone else.What day of the year is a command?
March Fourth March forth!
the Nerdytimes
An officer of the glorious Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics was visiting a humble and honest farmer, the likes of which form the spine of the glorious nation and its happy people. The officer asked the following:
"Comrade, how much has your farm produced grain? Shall it again this year feed the people, and show our superiority in front of the capitalist pigs?"
"Well, comrade, I must say that my work has produced well. The grain extends all the way to the Heaven itself! Truly, comrade Lysenko's methods are superior to western methods!"
"Very good. But surely comrade knows that Heaven is a bourgeois lie?"
"As is the grain."
Krieg wasn't even the coolest villain of his own arc. He wasn't even the second-coolest villain of his own arc.
FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC!
Good one.
I've heard it before, but all the additional puffery makes it even better.
Once upon a time there were three brothers, each of whom could only say one thing. The first could only say "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!" The second could say "I did it! I did it!" And the third could only say "Yippee-yay! Yippee-yay!"
One day, the brothers were walking down the street when a cop ran up to them. The cop said, "There's been a murder! Do you know how they did it?"
The first brother replied, "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!"
The cop, confused, said, "Uhm...okay....Do you know who did it?"
The second brother answered, "I did it! I did it!"
The cop drew his pistol. "You're under arrest!"
The third brother said, "Yippee-yay! Yippee-yay!"
the Nerdytimes
So, Best Of, you're Finnish, too? Then here are some Finnish jokes.
A widow moved to Ostrobothnia. The locals asked her if she's married, to which she responded that her husband is "in a better place". They asked her: "Better than here?"
Two Laihians were in a bank that was targeted by robbers. The robbers demanded that everyone give them their money. Suddenly, one of the Laihians quickly slipped 1000 € to his buddy and said "Here, here's the grand that I owe you."
Heard on radio: "Good citizens. Something green and growing has been reported to appear around the capital. An asphalt team has been dispatched.
Pekka was one of the seven survivors of a plane crash that got stranded onto a Deserted Island, and the only male survivor. The ladies were all the horny type, and they came to an agreement that they would each pick one weekday to have their way with him. Sundays, naturally, were free. While Pekka was initially very much on board with the idea, eventually it became absolutely tiring to him. So he started to wish for another guy to end up onto the island that he could share the Unwanted Harem with. Some Sunday, he did catch a guy on the beach, and happily woke him up. The first thing the guy said was then:
"Hej, jag heter Lars Johansson!"
"Perkele! My Sundays are gone now!"
There was once a war between Finland and the Soviet Union. During this war, some Soviets heard someone yell from behind a hill:
"One Finn equals two Russians!"
The Soviet commander sent two soldiers to check what the shouting was about. They never came back, and soon another declaration was heard:
"One Finn equals ten Russians!"
The Soviet commander sent ten soldiers to take down the irreverent Finn. They never came back, and soon another declaration was heard:
"One Finn equals fifty Russians!"
The Soviet commander sent fifty soldiers behind the hill. Came several shots, silence, and a shout:
"One Finn equals a hundred Russians!"
Angered and terrified, the Soviet commander sent a hundred soldiers behind the hill. A truly epic battle could be heard from there, and soon one badly injured Soviet soldier came back and told:
"Sir, the Finns lied. There are two of them!"
Krieg wasn't even the coolest villain of his own arc. He wasn't even the second-coolest villain of his own arc.
Night Clerk of the Apacalypse.
Lol. I love that last one. Similar variants are told in the US military with your services of choice in the roles.
Do you know what the best way to fight a group of clowns is? Always go for the juggler.
Who watches the watchmen?
A man and his girlfriend are walking through the woods when suddenly, a full moon is seen and the man becomes a Lycanthrope. The girl says "You just turned into a wolf!" He replies:
"Yes, I'm a were."
edited 30th Jan '17 8:05:27 AM by BaconZorp
Long live the New Bev.