Tropers: Tuefel Hunden IV

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     Funny Troper sayings the Tuefel Collection 

Bobby G
Troper 1 and Troper 2, I am appalled. What on Earth gave you the impression that it would be acceptable to bring a Hatzegopteryx in here? Even if we pretend that there's the slightest possibility that you didn't know the rule against exotic pets, you don't let it out in the Forum Games section. It has eaten four newbies already! This is seriously, seriously unacceptable, and you are both suspended from the forum until further notice.

As for the rest of you, I can't say I'm surprised that Yack Fest turned out to be a front for a drug cartel, but that doesn't mean I'm not extremely disappointed in all of you, and especially you, Juan.

Justice 4243
Strawberries and Banana in blender this morning, milk and nonfat yogurt , too. This fruit is afraid of me. I have tasted its true juices. The insides are full of vitamins and the vitamins are good for my body, they must be drank. The accumulated mass of all their liquids and pulp will foam up about the top and my cup of smooth, refreshing pink liquid will shout "Don’t drink me!"... and I'll look down and whisper "No."
-Justice in Troper Udates

ryal waited. His “forum top” a mixture of checkmarks and empty spaces next to sub-forums. There were trolls in the fora. He didn't read their posts, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Fasts Eddie were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway. ryal was a Troper for fourteen months. When he was young he watched the newsgroups and he said to dad "I want to post on the internets daddy." Dad said "No! You will BE FLAME BY TROLLS" There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the IJBM section of Tv Tropes he knew there were trolls. "This is Eddie" the PM saided. "You must stop the shit posts!" So ryal turn on his CAPSLOCK key and started arguing . "LOL NUWB" said the trolls "I will insult at him" said the H 4 X 0 R and called ryal an assburger. ryal posted at him and said he should “And hero”. But then his screen went blank and he was unable to see the web-site "No! I must argue the trolls" he I Med The reply was "No, ryal. You are the trolls" And then ryal made an angry ED page

Burro corpse in the dirt street this morning, wooden wheel mark on burst stomach. This villa is afraid of me. I have seen into its cabeza. The roads are extended canals and the canals are full of sangre and when the grates finally formar costar, los bichos will drown. The accumulated dirt of all their drugs and homicidio will espumar up about their cintura and all las putas and los bandidos will look up and shout “Sálvanos!” … and I’ll look down and whisper “¡No!”
Justice Again

You could be a yeti zombie; I think they have those in plants versus zombies...

You’d probably be a bit yellow, thanks to the decaying nature of being a zombie. So, you’d be a xanthic yeti zombie

And you could live in the WILD! So you'd be a wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

And you can drift from place to place! Making you a vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

And you can be really empathetic! Making you a, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

And you could be really tough and determined! Making you a, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

And you could have a dry wit and be really sarcastic to everyone you meet! Making you a, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

And you could be deeply spiritual! Making you a righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

But you wouldn't speak TOO much, of course! Making you a quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

And you can research prehistoric eras! Making you a primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

But your research might keep you bust! Making you an occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

Despite all good aspects, I bet you'd still frighten people because of your appearance! Making you a Notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

You might be frightening on account of your size and appearance! Making you a monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

Still, with people avoiding you, you would have a lot of time to read! Making you a learned, monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

No need to be nasty about anything though, you'll try your best with people! Making you a kind, learned, monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

Heck, you may even be downright cheerful to make up for you imposing size! Making you a jolly, kind, learned, monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

You’ll sure be something to try to analyze! Making you an interesting, jolly, kind, learned, monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

Telling the truth should make it easier for people to trust you! Making you an honest, interesting, jolly, kind, learned, monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

You might even be downright selfless! Donating your time and resources to help others! Making you a generous, honest, interesting, jolly, kind, learned, monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

I bet you can even develop quite the sense of humor! Making you a funny, generous, honest, interesting, jolly, kind, learned, monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

With that attitude you'll be raring to help people! Making you an eager, funny, generous, honest, interesting, jolly, kind, learned, monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

With such enthusiasm about overcoming obstacles, no one’s going to deny you’re a risk taker! Making you a daring, eager, funny, generous, honest, interesting, jolly, kind, learned, monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

You personality is going to be downright alluring! Making you a charismatic, daring, eager, funny, generous, honest, interesting, jolly, kind, learned, monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

Yeti’s generally don’t wear shoes! Making you a charismatic, daring, eager, funny, generous, honest, interesting, jolly, kind, learned, monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

Sadly, the confusing and perhaps semi-incompatible aspects of your personality mixed with people responding badly to your appearance will drive you to drink! Making you an alcoholic, barefoot, charismatic, daring, eager, funny, generous, honest, interesting, jolly, kind, learned, monstrous, notorious, occupied, primeval-loving, quiet, righteous, snarky, tenacious, understanding, vagabond, wild, xanthic yeti zombie!

The life of an abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz will sure be tough, but hopefully it’ll be rewarding.

Man: “* comparing cans of dog food “Science Diet has all the nutrients my dog needs to preserve good overall health… but this Kibble and Bits assures that my dog will love it…” -* A shuriken flies by his face, impaling itself into the can of dog food next to him. The pressure in the can shoots it forward a few isles into a propane tank which explodes covering half the Grocery Store in fire*

Man “Oh no! NINJAS!”

Head Ninja “You should have NEVER come to the “Shop ‘n’ Save” Mr. Bay!”

Michael Bay: “Help me deus ex Machina!” * Dials his cell phone and raises it as a beam of light shots up, destroying the ceiling in its way and causing an intake fan on the roof to collapse into the store. A wide shot of the store is showing with the light piercing the heavens.

Cut back to the falling fan which crashes on the BBQ section, exploding the lighter fluid and matches and shoots burning coals all over the store. Some ninjas dodge the coals, others are hit and immediately burst into flames and explode.

Despite their losses, the ninjas close in on Bay as the grocery store continues to burn.

Michael Bay holds his hands up defensively as the ninjas close in on him with bladed weapons. In the distance, the sound of a motorcycle approaches.

Before the ninjas strike, the doors to the grocery store explode open and a few ninjas are taken out by the debris. A man on a motorcycle drives through the new opening, his bike steering strait despite the fact that he’s dual wielding Uzis. He opens fire on the ninjas, many take hits and explode.

Bay jumps strait up as the man’s motorcycle speeds towards him. The man on the bike leans down, rolling off his bike and into a crouched position near Bay. Sparks fly as the bike careens towards the head ninja, who jumps out of the way. A few of his subordinates behind him are not so fortunate and the bike crashes into them, exploding.

Michael Bay: “I NEW you’d come!”

The man takes off his helmet and throws it at a ninja in one smooth motion. The ninja takes a hit to the face. The face caves in with a crunch followed by an explosion that takes out its head. Ninja’s approach, but notice too late that a timer wired to some C4 is in the helmet. The timer hits ‘0’, and the bomb explodes taking out more ninjas who also explode in the giant, fiery explosion of helmet bomb and exploding ninjas.

The camera pans up, revealing a slender body, long hair and none-other than Nicolas Cage himself.

Nicolas Cage: “Damn it Michael! Didn’t you nice this Shop ‘n’ Save was built over a secret robot ninja factory!” * Cage hands Bay one of the uzis*

Michael Bay: “Apparently not!” * Grapples with a ninja that thrusts with a ninja-to, shoots the ninja with the Uzi at point blank while taking the ninjas weapon and kicks the ninja away before it explodes. Chops off an arm of another ninja that strikes with a pair of sais.

Nicolas Cage: “Well get moving! I have a guy outside waiting for us!” Pulls out nunchucks and bludgeons a ninja in the head and arm, caving in its mechanical body with each hit.

Michael Bay Head Ninja: Mr. Bay! You’ll never leave alive!

Michael Bay: * Produces a rocket launcher* “My ASSOCIATE here disagrees!”

and Nicolas Cage

-* Cage catches a weighted chain around a ninja’s leg, lifts it off the ground with the chain and spins it into a group of charging ninjas which all explode*

Black dude in Escalade: “Daaaaaaaamn man! That was OFF THE CHAIN!”

In a Day in the Life of Michael Bay

Michael Bay: * still fighting ninjas* “So Nick…”

Nicolas Cage: * Also fighting ninjas* “Yeah?”

Michael Bay: “I heard you’ll do anything for enough mone..”

Nicolas Cage: “YES!”

Michael Bay: “Even…?”

Nicolas Cage: “YES!”

Michael Bay: “While wearing a…”

Nicolas Cage: “YES!”

Michael Bay: “And singing…”

Nicolas Cage: “WAIT! Let me think about that last one..YES!”

Staring, written, and directed by Michael Bay

Nicolas Cage: * In a dressing gown with a spoonful of chocolate ice-cream covered in chilly. A marching band can be seen playing in the background* “My country, ' tis of thee, ” * takes a bite as fireworks shot off into the air.

“sweet land of liberty, ” * takes another bight that’s accompanied by fireworks.

“of thee I sing;” * takes yet another bite that has even more fireworks accompaniment.

Michael Bay: “I can’t believe the studio paid me to make my own bibliography…”

  1. I figured it out.

I'm the main character. Therefore, when it says "The database hates you", it means I, personally, have done something to offend them.

Well, I understand now. I don't know what you're after—perhaps it's the time I statted out your kin the Lag Beasts, enabling fellow intrepid adventurers to slay them and thus, through sympathetic magic, leading to the success of DSL. Or perhaps it's because I started growing cloves of digital garlic.

In any case, it is I you want. Leave my fellow tropers out of this; I will meet you in the night, armed with nothing but a bowie knife. You will have your chance at revenge, if you are not too craven to claim it. Rend me line from line, drink the raw code from my files, bite into my soft ware—if you can.

But don't take it out on them.

General Research Link Recommended. Warning limited access on a monthly basis sans subscription.

     Weapons of Mass Destruction 

    Tactics and Techniques 

     Weapon Effects 
Weaponry Effects

Ballistics General Refrence STOP Before reading through any of the links below read this article. It is a very solid look at the mechanics of biology and Physics of wounding via gunshot. Rathcoombe Ballistics and Wounding

Tuefel's Tools

Mostly assorted reference charts and calculators from around the internet that have proven useful in many discussions or for references.


The You Are Green Speech From Boot Camp: MCRD Sandiego

Here your race, color, creed, and religion do no matter. You are all worthless until you prove yourselves. You are no longer "I" you are This Recruit. You only have last names so we can pick your worthless slimy hides from the mass of green. Your are all GREEN, you may be light green or dark green, but you are all GREEN.

  • Deliberately Mispells the Teufel Part of his name as it is usually taken. Yes I am aware of the nuances of the German language and that Teufel Hunden is technically incorrect but its how the corps has viewed it for a long time and its how we are known.
  • Was an armorer for the Marines. Armorer=Armored Cages full of hundreds of guns to repair, tweak, and tinker with.:)

     Tuefel Humor 

Tuefel humor are things I find funny or amusing. Unless stated otherwise I am not the originator of the material

213 Things Skippy Isn't allowed to do in the Army.

The 213 Things….

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”

27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

29. The Irish M Ps are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I * did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)

36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).

37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.

38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. “Keep on Trucking” is * not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.

54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is * not* a motivational phrase.

55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does * not* involve fruit.

56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do * not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do * not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.

69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76. “Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is * not* a cadence.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82. May not form any press gangs.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”

84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.

85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.

90. Inflatable sheep do * not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not “Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir”.

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song “Hot Stuff”.

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116. Crucifying mice – bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.

121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

128. “Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

139. Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.

142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.

143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.

144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148. Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.

154. Shouldn’t treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.

155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. Take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get “that time of month”.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they * are* “especially patriotic films”

170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).

175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.

178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man’s body”.

179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.

180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.

181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

184. When operating a military vehicle I may * not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.

203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”

205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. (“Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is * not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness * only* . (Also not a Skippy-ism…this was the same dinner.)

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing “Eat Pork or Die” in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

Now for the groan factor the nom-dictionary... my poor wife she ended up laughing and shaking her head then unleashing PUNishment. This is Tuefel Made.

DeNOMination-Religion with tastiest souls

NOM de Guerre-a very tasty name

NOMinate-to pick the one with most flavors.

aNOMaly-To eat the irregular

AstroNOMer-studying nomming of existence.

astroNOMical-tasteful finity.

carciNOMa-in Soviet Russia NOM eats you.

chroNOMeter-measures NOM per second.

ecoNOMic-greedy companies go OM NOM NOM NOM NOM taxpayers money.

enveNOM-disagreeing with something you ate.

NOMad-food on the go.

trigoNOMetry-a complex meal.

USMC Rules for Gunfighting

1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Your life is expensive.

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

9.5 Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. Have a plan.

13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

16. Don't drop your guard.

17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4"

Navy Rules to Gunfighting

1. Go to Sea

2. Send the Marines

3. Drink Coffee

     Things to sort and research. 

General Notes: WWII Common US Rifle Grenade. AT Grenade effective range for light and medium tanks and hardened position point targets is 75 yds. Fragmentation timed or impact 200yds area target.

Small Scale Naval and Land Artillery

Experiemental Armored Vehicles

Exotic Weaponry

Combat Techniques: An Elite Forces Guide to Modern Infantry Tactics By Martin J. Dougherty, Chris Mc Nab

     Video Links 

     Possible Writing Work 

Felsen Luft

Fora Thanks

MellonCollie for Felsen Luft and reminding me to describe how the alloy works better.
  • No problem ^__^. Glad to help.

     For Pics funny 

I am semi-retiring the images section. They will be hidden from view until I can make separate copies. I will be moving the comic to the same area by the time I am done.



Preserved for Posterity since no one else can write on other tropers user pages any longer.

Oorah you silly Jarhead. -Barkey

  • scribbles "USAF wuz here" on your wall*


Vandalism Muffin Go! -MissHedgey

You are awesome -Rumetzen

Here's to our very own Srgt. Rock. HUP TWO! - Krrackknut.

* pokes* I saw what you did there, you vandal. :P - Dec

Heya Tuefel, Keep it classy. ~Lance.

I hide in your shadow and make faces at the ants that cross my path. * nods* Also, a buttercup is a flower, a butter cup is a cooking aid. Get it straight before I poke you >:[ ~Buttercupistiny
Update: You are the Bloody Baron to my Peeves :3

You have one of the most chaotic contributer pages. Not that that's a bad thing. And you keep on bringing interesting links to the aviation thread. —Catfish42

You always bring an expert opinion to anything military. Someday I wish to be as cool a person as you. - Flanker 66

"But Tuefel is an Elite Mook. Forget not that I am a former U.S. Marine. I eat razor wire and piss napalm." I salute thee, sir. - The Fan

First I found this page. Then I was like "hey that's awesome". Then I was like "whoa how does he know all this". Then I was like "haha so saving those images". Then I was like "my good sir, I can only aspire to being as awesome as you one day."-Dreadnought

-salute- I'm impressed sir. There really aren't as many tropers who stir up admiration in me as much as you. Sir. :) - Keybreak

Proud Warrior Race Guy - harmattane, adding tropes as requested.

"That is the first sign of aging. You have absorbed so much Media your emitting trope radiation and its affecting your bio-electric systems." %Haven

Cool, you'd really hug a bear too? ~Enzeru

You have probably heard this before, but that is an amazing amount of research material. 0_0 Amazingness is known to be distributive, and your own amazingness has been confirmed separately by external observation in the fora, so... myth confirmed? I'm not sure exactly where I was going with that; I should probably reorganise before I publish. - Noaqiyeum

Greetings! I appreciate the humor ^_^ nil desperandum! ~Libris Dedita

I had a good laugh looking at your pictures folder. -Mokona Zero

You have the biggest troper page in the world... T 448 Eight

Post/Wiki Work/Wwrite up save space.
     The Parable Parable 
One Day Parable made a horrible joke in the forum.
They say there is no black and white, just shades of grey.
To which Parable responded, "there are 50 shades of grey, to be precise."

Little did Parable know that his most heinous crime was witnessed someone watching quietly.

The initial reaction was obvious.
Action had to be taken soon.

It was clear something had to be done.
So hunters were sent for Parable.

They scoured the world for Parable.
Parable was alerted to the search.

An attempt at drastic action by Parable was made.
It was not enough so Parable in an act of desperation made a shady deal.

But alas Parable was betrayed and forced to seek the final act to escape. He summoned his mighty army.
The Mighty Spartans. They were a force to be reckoned with. For a time they protected Parable from his pursuers.
Sadly the Spartan shields and spears were no match against an A-10 Thunderbolt Air Strike.
His army defeated Parable faced capture at the hands of his enemies.

The appearance of an implacible foe forced Parable to surrender.

His trial was swift and the verdict was stunning.
Parable was elated.

The public response was less enthusiastic.
Many were surprised.
Others Furious.
Soon an angry momb chased Parable.

While valiantly fighting back the mob Parable was suddenly slain by an assassin.
This is how the Parable Zombie Apocalypse started.
How this goes is a story for another day.

After Credits

FFiiiifffffty Ggggrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeyyyyy!!!!