The All-Purpose Haruhi Fanfiction Thread

Odin's beard, even I have to admit he's built, but Haruhi's actually drooling.

"N-no way... side characters aren't allowed to be that damn ripped..."

Speaking of which, it's not that hard to use the extraordinarily strong lightning powers. It's basically just 'point, yell, KABOOM'. So easy a freshman can do it.

Anyway, after beating up all the frost giants, another hole opened up in the sky – what is it, some kind of colander or something? – and... I don't know how, but it was like gravity reversed itself.

Actually, describing in detail what happened next would be a massive pain in the ass, since I don't remember it all that clearly and I'm still kind of confused. Seriously, even Koizumi's babbling makes more sense on average than that mindfuck. Hell – and don’t get me wrong, I love the show ten ways to Sunday, but the series finale of Evangelion made more damn sense than whatever spacetime... thingy... happened.

To sum up the results, though, the beaten-up frost giants wound up back in Jotunheim – that's their realm, for the uninitiated – and I was standing on a rainbow in front of a big musclebound fella decked out in gold armor and with a big freaking sword.

Seriously, I couldn't make this up if I tried. I'm not imaginative enough.

Anyway, the guy – Heimdall – took note of my size and asked if I was a stray dwarf who stumbled into Midgard somehow.

Then he saw the hammer, and his expression was pretty much the perfect picture to go with 'aw, hell'.

Anyway, I was directed to cross Bifrost, head just past Valhalla, and kick open the door to the giant wooden complex.

No, seriously. He told me to kick it open.

At first, I was kinda thinking 'what the hell?', but then I remembered that I’m dealing with superpowered god-vikings. Of course pointless shows of over-the-top manliness are encouraged.

Note, however, that even though the Aesir are often bombastic, they are also incredibly intelligent. It’s like they've got Koizumi's or Nagato's intelligence and Haruhi's lack of subtlety.

Anyway, I kicked down the door to Odin's hut-palace, he raised an eyebrow at me, stroked his admittedly] ''[[BadassBeard awesome'' beard, then shrugged and started speaking.

First, he explained the stuff that I've already taken care of in the narrative – the hammer being Mjolnir, the blue guys being frost giants, me apparently being the new God of Thunder and inheritor of Thor's legacy, the reason why Thor was sealed in a can somewhere (arrogance and jerkassery, in case anyone forgot), some stuff about the Aesir, the Nine Realms of Asgard, Vangard, Muspelheim, Niflheim, Jotunheim, Midgard, and I already forgot the three that don’t matter...

Then, after that, he asked if I had any questions.

Which prompted my first instance of swearing as I told him to fuck off and promptly went back to the lodge.

In the years since, I have learned that Odin has a fantastic sense of humor, because repeating that stunt would be a spectacularly bad idea. And that’s not the "grounded for a week" kind of bad idea, it's the "lucky to be alive after a weeklong savage beatdown from an entire society of god-vikings" bad idea.

And that’s the mandatory origin story for this tale.

The next couple of years were kinda boring as far as storytelling goes, but there is one incident from last year – that would be two years after this chapter, of course.

Yeah, remember that cyborg ninja penguin I promised?

I’ll tell you about our first encounter in the next chapter.

Well, I guess I didn't completely discount that possibility, but it's still a pleasant surprise.

Wait, of course you're back. I know that if I'd been promised a cyborg ninja penguin, I'd be kicking down doors until that promise was delivered.

Well take a seat, dear friend of mine, and let me tell you a story.

You see, it all started on a day unlike any other.

During a freak summer snowstorm...

The Mighty Kyon

It was the middle of July, and for some reason it was snowing outside.

Of course, when it starts snowing for no damn reason, odds are that frost giants are to blame.

The screwy thing is, I’d searched through the area for dozens of miles in every direction – both as a human and as an Asgardian – and hadn’t found any trace of them.

It kind of pissed me off, really – not that I have anything against magic itself, but more that I somehow missed a magic source that huge. For a comparison, look behind you, and observe that there’s nothing there. Now I want you to blink, and observe that there’s an African Elephant in the room giving you a death glare.

Yeah, it’s a little like that.

Then, I realized that the magic source simply might not have been there last time I checked, and decided to just go with that.

Normally, I’d be freezing my butt off with anything less than a parka, but in addition to the inherent immunity to cold that comes with having an Asgardian body, I’d recently gained a new defense against the elements with the onset of puberty the year before.

While I appear normal as a human, once I become the God of Thunder, I spontaneously get the kind of facial hair you’d expect from a Go Nagai manga. According to the Aesir, I’ve got the manliest sideburns in history – so awesomely blazing that the sideburns themselves appear to have sideburns!

Ryoma Nagare's got nothing on these babies. And if you don’t know who that is, then you’re missing out on one hell of an awesome series.

Mentally slapping myself, I attempt to bring this narrative back to its proper topic. Sorry about that, everyone.

After arriving where I detected the flow of magic, I found myself face-to-beak with a penguin. Wearing an eyepatch and a belt. With six katanas hanging from said belt.

Repeat – I’m standing in front of a penguin with an eyepatch and six katanas.

I ask, "Just who the hell do you think you are, Date Masamune?!”

The penguin gives me a death glare with its one visible eye, and... SOMEHOW begins to wield all six katanas as if they’re its claws. In other words, a blatant ripoff of Sengoku Basara.

Complete with sapphire battle aura.

“You have a battle aura. WHY do you have a battle aura?! The only things in real life allowed to have battle auras are the denizens of Muspelheim – and then only because they’re literally made of flames!”

“Wark.”

The penguin – which, for the sake of a pointless shout-out and narrative ease, I shall name Pen-Pen – promptly became invisible. Including the battle aura.

“Great. So on top of being the penguin reincarnation of Date Masamune, he’s a ninja too? Bet 50 yen he turns out to be a robot.”