Recap / Birds of a Feather S5E7: A Brush with the Law

Sharon: His name's Colin. I've never been out with a "Colin" before.

Tracey: You've been out with a few wallies though, incha?

— Sharon Theodopolopodous telling Tracey Stubbs about her new fella.

• Date First Aired: 17/10/1993

Tracey is painting Sharon's bedroom without her knowledge, much to Sharon's annoyance. Dorien is impressed, however, and she suggests joining with Tracey and going into interior design (well, that and also out of a desire to get Marcus off her back after he accused her of giving the gardener a wink). Unfortunately, their first client is Melanie Fishman, Dorien's Sitcom Arch-Nemesis.

Meanwhile, Sharon heads off to the cinema and meets a man named Colin whilst waiting in the queue. She meets up with the man, having had the movie spoiled, and ends up liking him, although Tracey has her doubts.

The next morning, Melanie asks why Tracey has teamed up with Dorien, and reveals that she only employed Dorien so that she can get a kick out of playing Lady Bountiful with Dorien. Afterward, a complication arises in Sharon's relationship - her new boyfriend is a Detective Constable and he's come to search out rumors that Dorien may be housing stolen antiques. Tracey of course is pissed at Colin for not revealing this truth about him, which leads to him revealing the truth to Sharon. They realize that they're dating people that they were programmed to despise and break up. As Tracey and Dorien shut down their business, Colin reveals that in fact, Dorien was innocent and he and Sharon decide to reconcile, although they decide not to pursue their romantic relationship any further.

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Tropes in this Episode:

• Actor Allusion: At the start of the episode, Tracey sings "Stick It Out" by Right Said Fred. Both Linda Robson and Pauline Quirke had appeared in the music video for said song.
• Affectionate Nickname: Sharon calls Colin "Col".
• Alliterative Name: Colin was called "Coco Cop" at training college.
• All There in the Script: Inverted; Stewart is only credited as "Man at Cinema".
• Ambiguous Syntax:
  • Colin doesn't realise at first that Sharon is happy Chris was arrested.
    Sharon: An' now he's inside, thanks to your lot.
    Colin: Sorry.
    Sharon: No, I mean... lit'rally "thanks to your lot". I nearly sent 'em a case o' Johnny Walker when 'e got nicked.
  • When Sharon calls herself an "ignorant villain's wife", Tracey thinks she's calling herself ignorant when in actuality, she's calling herself the wife of an ignorant villain.
• Ask a Stupid Question...: Sharon when she comes across Tracey painting:
  Sharon: Trace, what the hell do you think you're doin'?
  Tracey: French kissin' Douglas Hurd. (Beat) What does it look like I'm doin'?
• Ass Shove: Sharon threatens to stick a paint roller sideways in Tracey if she keeps repainting her bedroom against her wishes.
• Bait-and-Switch Comment: Sharon lies to Colin that Chris was shot in the "whatsit", leaving him (and the audience) to think she meant his dick before she says it was his thigh.
• Brick Joke: Early in the episode, Dorien accidentally goes "A, B, 3" when listing things. Near the end of the episode, Tracey does the opposite, saying "1, 2, C".
• Celeb Crush: Sharon teases Dorien about her crush on the members of Right Said Fred.
• Continuity Nod:
  • Dorien mentions Marcus accused of her of winking at their gardener. Dorien and the gardener had previously been established to be having an affair in "Absent Friends".
  • Tracey mentions Sharon's drunk and disorderly charge again.
• Crooked Cop: Sharon believes all cops are bent, even comparing them to Uri Geller's cutlery drawer. It’s this belief that leads Colin to hide the fact that he’s a policeman from her.
• Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: Sharon asks Tracey to put down the paint roller before she shoves it somewhere sideways.
• Deadpan Snarker: Sharon becomes one when Tracey worries her relationship with Colin.
  Tracey: You might o' said.
  Sharon: What? That 'e's left handed?
  Tracey: That he's black.
  Sharon: (Gasps) He never is! Why didn't you tell me, Trace?
• Double-Meaning Title: The title can be interpreted in two different ways - it can refer to Sharon's brief romantic relationship with Colin the police officer or it can refer to Dorien being briefly accused by the police of having stolen antiques.
• Do You Want to Haggle?: Dorien got screwed over on a deal off-screen after attempting this because she found the buyer to be too irresistible.
  Dorien: He wanted £40 for it, so I offered thirty.
  Tracey: An' wha' didja settle on?
  Dorien: Fifty-five. He had muscles to die for.
• Dreadful Musician: Tracey's rendition of "Stick It Out" by Right Said Fred is so awful that Sharon has to barge into the room and shut off the radio.
• Is the Answer to This Question "Yes"?: Tracey responds with one of these if asked if she likes chocolate chip cookies.
  Melanie: Chocolate chip cookies. Do you like them?
  Tracey: Does Oliver Reed own a corkscrew?
• It Came from the Fridge: Tracey finds sixteen crisps packets and a fossilized slice of pizza under Sharon's bed.
• It's All About Me: Melanie claims that when God was handing out selfishness, Dorien elbowed her way to the front of the queue. Tracey sticks up for her though, and tells her it's all a front.
  • Melanie is clearly a Hypocrite, since in reality she is at least equally snobbish and slutty as Dorien.
• Groin Attack: Sharon mentions she regrets that Chris wasn't shot in the dick when she lies that he was shot in the thigh.
• Love Hurts: Sharon and Colin really care for one another, but with Sharon having a husband in jail and Colin working for the police the two can't follow through with a relationship, having to remain friends instead.
  Sharon: As soon as I meet someone I'd like to spend the rest o' my life with, God chucks a banana skin in me path.
• Malaproper: Tracey claims to be playing "devil's avocado" when she means "devil's advocate".
• Maligned Mixed Marriage: Part of the reason that Tracey doesn't seem to like Sharon's new relationship with Colin is that he's black. She also points out how difficult it can be to maintain an interracial marriage.
• Minority Police Officer: Colin, Sharon's new boyfriend, is a black police officer, although he tries to hide the fact that he's a police officer from Sharon.
  Colin: Let's face it, you don't become a black copper just for laughs now. I've had people spit at me, tell lies about me, call me "Coco Cop" - and that was just at training college.
• Moll: Colin jokingly asks Sharon if she's a gangster's moll.
• Mondegreen Gag: Dorien says "wink", and quickly has to reassure Sharon she didn't say "wank".
  Dorien: Do you know, yesterday, he actually accused me of giving the gardener a wink? (Beat) I said "a wink"!
• Musical Chores: Tracey sings along to "Stick It Out" by Right Said Fred on the radio whilst she's painting the walls.
• New Job Episode: Dorien starts up an interior decorating business with Tracey, "Dorcey Interiors".
• Noodle Implements: When Dorien says she has a thought, Sharon asks if it involves Right Said Fred, a Harley-Davidson and three pairs of handcuffs.
• Noodle Incident:
  • Chris was once paid to paint Garth's bedroom and proceeded to do only one wall, claiming that it was because he was allergic to paint.
    Sharon: No, he only did one wall coz he was allergic to work.
  • Melanie Fishman once tried to get Luciano Pavarotti to play at her son's bar mitzvah.
    Tracey: She di'n't!
    Dorien: She did - but he had a prior engagement, so she had to settle for Maury Fineburg's Jazz All-Stars.
  • Dorien apparently tripped over a blind man's guide dog when entering the wine bar.
• One-Shot Character: Stewart and Detective Sergeant Trewin.
• On the Rebound: Apparently, Marcus' marriage to Dorien came about after Melanie turned him down.
• Pet the Dog: Despite only hiring Dorcey Interiors as a plot to mess with Dorien, Melanie doesn't want Tracey to get involved in their feud as she has no quarrel with her, even getting her a plate of chocolate chip cookies.
• Portmanteau: The name of the interior design company is called "Dorcey Interiors", comprised of the first names of Dorien and Tracey.
• Pun: Dorien makes one that fails to get any reaction from either Tracey or Sharon:
  Dorien: Where are you buying the paint?
  Sharon: Ah, leave it to me. I got contacts.
  Dorien: I didn't even know you'd got spectacles.
• Red Herring: Stewart complains about the use of one in The Fugitive.
• Rich Language, Poor Language: Dorien calls herself a "hedge" instead of a "fence" and has to be corrected by Tracey.
• Sexless Marriage: Dorien and Marcus' is the target of Sharon's teasing as usual:
  Sharon: Has Marcus hidden your credit card in a place where you'll never find 'em? (Beat) Like down his Y-fronts?
• Shout-Out:
  • Dorien has a crush on the members of the Right Said Fred.
  • Sharon wanted a boudoir like Princess Caroline.
  • Tracey uses buying out Richard Branson in an analogy for how Dorien tries to one up the other women at her tennis club.
  • Dorien claims that after Melanie Fishman could still stand in for Cyrano de Bergerac after her nose job.
  • Sharon invites Tracey and Dorien to go and watch a Harrison Ford movie with her. From the details we hear of it, it is most likely The Fugitive.
  • Advertisements outside the cinema claim Othello (1951) and Under Siege are playing (with Steven Seagal's name visible next to the movie title). Inside the cinema there are posters for Malcolm X and Candyman, and times for A Few Good Men, Bram Stoker's Dracula and Home Alone visible.
  • Because Stewart and his wife spoil The Fugitive for Sharon and Colin, Sharon calls Stewart "Barry Norman", after the British film critic, and tells them that the film they're about to see has Meryl Streep die in a plane crash.
  • Sharon tells Tracey that Colin used to be the Queen Mum's Horlicks taster.
  • Dorien recalls Melanie Fishman trying to book Luciano Pavarotti for her son's bar mitzvah.
  • Sharon comes home from her date with Colin singing "Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing" from the film of the same name.
  • Sharon fondly recalls slow dancing to Barry White in her youth.
  • Sharon lies to Colin that Chris only tried to stop a bank robbery because he wanted to try and get on Hearts of Gold.
  • Sharon says that getting with Colin was the best thing to happen to her since she won a Blue Peter badge.
  • Sharon claims that "all coppers are more bent than Uri Geller's cutlery drawer".
  • Tracey reassures Sharon that by saying that she isn't an ignorant villain's wife as she always knows the answers on Blockbusters and a drunk and disorderly charge hardly compares to The Great Train Robbery.
  • Tracey wonders if Colin is going to question her, Sharon and Dorien like how they do in Miss Marple or Hercule Poirot.
  • Dorien snarks that Colin is going to accuse her of having Lord Lucan hidden away in her toolshed.
  • When talking about Dorien's innocence, Sharon snarks that she's "Like a virgin".
  • Sharon jokingly suggests that she and Colin could go watch Copkiller.
• Snark-to-Snark Combat: Dorien and Melanie Fishman snipe at each other over their house interiors:
  Dorien: Well, let's face it Melanie - that maroon and cream stripe does smack somewhat of the local Indian takeaway.
  Melanie: Oh. Style notes from the woman whose home is decorated like a Parisian brothel!
• Spoiler: While waiting in line for The Fugitive, Stewart and his wife reveal details of the film that Sharon and Colin didn't want to hear yet, like how the wife was apparently not dead even after she had been stabbed by her husband sixteen times. This is annoying enough to them that they decide not to watch the film after all, but not before Sharon makes a fake spoiler that Meryl Streep dies in a plane crash in the film Stewart and his wife are about to see.
• Spoofs "R" Us: One of the antique stores that Colin and DS Trewin were at was called "Antiques 'R' Us".
• Spoon Bending: Sharon makes a reference to this by claiming that policemen are just as bent as Uri Geller's cutlery drawer.
• Status Quo Is God: Tracey and Dorien go into the interior decorating business together, but quickly shut it down by the end of the episode.
• Take That!:
  • Tracey sarcastically mentions she was French kissing Douglas Hurd.
  • Sharon remarks the only reason Tracey would repaint her bedroom was because it was the only alternative to watching Good Morning with Anne and Nick.
  • When Melanie asks Tracey if she likes chocolate chip cookies, Tracey asks her if Oliver Reed owns a corkscrew.
  • Tracey tells Dorien that she'd rather be business partners with Robert Maxwell than her.
• Talking in Bed: Sharon gets into bed with Tracey to tell her all about Colin, and later again when Tracey asks Sharon if she told Colin that Chris is jail.
• With Friends Like These...: Despite seeing how happy Colin makes Sharon, Dorien still tries to seduce him in the wine bar, and right in front of Sharon to boot!

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