Quotes: Who Writes This Crap?!

Gwen: What is this — Scooby-Doo?
Joe (watching): You've been a part of Torchwood for over a year now, Gwen. That's exactly what this is. Scooby Doo with oral sex.

Jimmy, every half-baked TV series that runs out of ideas in the fourth or fifth season does their ‘sneak into prison dressed as an inmate’ show.
The Lone Gunmen on their way to prison, "Maximum Byers"

Cop: Okay, now I get it: Your wife and the pizza guy deviously conspired to set you up: they kill themselves in your bed with your gun, proceed to chop each other to pieces in your bathtub with your chainsaw, and finally lure you to the backyard where they patiently wait under the rosebush to inject you with V, and when you were helpless, they leak blood all over you and call the police. Anything more to add?
Max lookalike: See, that's just it! I wish it was that easy. I know it sounds crazy, but they weren't in on it alone! It's much BIGGER than that! Basically anyone who does home delivery is involved! The mailman! And that means the government is involved! ...Gimmie a gun and set me loose, and I'll have this mess settled in no time!
Cop: (to Max) Not now, Payne. I think I just cracked the crime of the century.
Max Payne 2


"Who wrote this crap? Oh yeah, Scott. Well, uhh, good work."
Roger Wilco, Space Quest 6

"Who writes this guy's stuff?"
Eddy, Ed, Edd n Eddy

"Rosebud... yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness. Wait, that's terrible, I quit."

"I was wondering how those hack writers were going to wrap things up."

"Right. Let's give this a whirl. 'Oh eternal and all powerful Lord, to whom the darkness itself bows down, from whom flows the damnation of humankind...' who writes this dross?"

The Nostalgia Critic: Okay, your story sucks.
Doug Walker: You suck!

"The shadowy conspiracy theory would work fine...if we really kept anything secret about ourselves. But we don't. At least...I don't. If anyone asked us, we pretty much told them upfront. About anything. Anyone that really wanted to look into how we operated just had to ask. But they didn't. ...It's kind of like someone's trying to write a knockoff of The Da Vinci code, but forget to ensure all the red herrings lined up."

"…what? Who writes this junk?"
Kooper, Paper Mario X, "Epilogue: The Last Good-bye"

Daffy Duck: I wonder where all the hunters are today? [gets shot by said hunters]
Bugs Bunny: I'd like to tell him, but, uh... [chuckles] modesty forbids.

This sounds like the premise for a bad Saturday morning cartoon.
Julian, Digimon Regenesis

"...Who the hell wrote this crap?!"
Lord Zetta, Makai Kingdom, when confronted with living corn cobs

Harry, I don't know who I am anymore. What I just did is so out of character that I don't know what came over me!

Executioner: This is the seven o'clock noose. This is the nine o'clock noose. This is the noose at ten. And this...is the fellow who wrote that joke.

Whoever wrote this episode should DIE!
Gwen Dimarco, Galaxy Quest

"Thank you, ladies and germs! I, uh — I just slithered in from headquarters, and — ha ha ha — and boy, does my stomach hurt! But, uh, seriously, folks, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the studio... [screams in frustration] NO! No, I cannot continue with this idiotic drivel!"
Destro, "Cobrathon", just before shooting his cue card to pieces