"I guess that's a lesson all of us can relate to: If you live in a giant mansion and want a picture of your baby in the paper, you better care about your baby too, or else he'll get kidnapped, crawl across a busy street, and a truck'll drive over him."
“BUCKLE UP: It’s The Law And Also Two-Face Will Kill You.”
—Andy Khouri on The Dark Knight
"The underlying message of 'the stuff in cigarettes will turn you into an unfeeling monster and you’ll end up fighting yourself in a junkyard' is basically a thousand times better than anything those 'Truth' ads ever came up with... If Evil Superman got suck in an old refrigerator at some point, 80s cartoons would’ve been rendered entirely irrelevant."
"So, on the one hand, we have complex issues related to political marriage and the question of self-determination versus social indoctrination... and on the other, we have Ferengi, dolphins, and now, xylophones. You know, it's like a collision between a Gloria Steinem treatise and a Mad-Libs."
"The lesson being taught to children here really was that you should never shrink anyone. And more importantly, you should never get a job writing cartoons when your main hobbies are recreational drugs and head injuries."
David: It was prime time network television, and it featured Deathstroke the Terminator waterboarding Green Arrow. I just want to point this out to our readers: This happened.
Chris: You say “waterboarded,” and to be fair, both water and a board are involved, but it’s not waterboarding at all. It’s like dunking pilgrim ladies to see if they’re witches. It’s clearly Smallville trying to send a message about global politics, but instead they just slap together a scene that’s a total super-villain deathtrap rather than the actual technique that’s been in the news for like five years. It’s they heard the word and just went with the first thing they thought it was. It’s the hilarious ineptitude of the show that we’ve come to know and love.
"Well, Mario, did we learn some kind of horribly unlikely to occur lesson today?"
—Luigi, Mario Adventures
Bob: Hmmm, there's a lesson in all this.
Eglamore: Okay, let's hear it.
Bob: Never let sixty angry kids use a herd of Laser Cows to take over your house.
Princess Bubblegum: I hope you grasp the full consequences of breaking promises.
Finn: HECK YEAH! If I break a royal promise, I get to fight zombies, throw slumber parties, awake gumball guardians, and—and—
Princess Bubblegum: Alright, alright!
Finn: —AND REVERSE DEATH ITSELF.
"Remember, kids, if you work hard and never let go of your dream, one day your rich idiot friend will just shove lots of money into your hands."
Slade: The moral of this story? Never make a deal with an inter-dimensional demon without a little protection.
Jason: Having to go first all the time only leads to trouble! Like getting burned up by the sun! Now, the consequences are not always so extreme, but good things come to those who wait.
I think I learned a valuable lesson. Always take down your Christmas decorations after New Year's or you get filleted by a hooker from God.
"Premarital sex turns straight people gay and gays into Mexicans. We all go down a notch!"
"...and, if you have sex, you're automatically in Al Qaeda."
—Peter Griffin and Jerry Kirkwood, Family Guy, "Prick Up Your Ears"
"Hmmm. You know, there might be an environmental message to this: don't sell your land to mining companies. Or else the Slender Man will get you."
"And that's why you always leave a note!"
—J. Walter Weatherman in Arrested Development, shortly after being struck by a van and losing an arm
Michael: I need the guy with the fake arm. J. Walter Weatherman.
George, Sr.: Oh, he's dead. You killed him when you left the door open with the air conditioner on.