Someone's Touching My Butt

"There's too many kids in this tub,
There's too many elbows to scrub,
I just washed a behind
That I'm sure wasn't mine!
There's too many kids in this tub!"
Shel Silverstein, "Crowded Tub"

Stock Phrase(s) for whenever a group of people are squashed together. It also commonly occurs whenever the lights go out. Variations on the phrase include "Who's touching my X" and "Whose X is this?". There's also the Double Entendre variant:

Person #1: Hey! I found a [item]
Person #2: That's not a [item]...!

Said item is usually either phallic or soft depending on who the people are. Can result in Thanks for the Mammary, a Megaton Punch (if person #2 is female), as well as evidence against the Accidental Pervert. Not What It Looks Like also commonly occurs when the lights come back on.

Examples:

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    Anime & Manga 
  • Boku no Futatsu no Tsubasa actually gets to use this both ways at once since the heroine is a fully functional hermaphrodite.
  • Happens in Death Note: Misa cries that someone in a group of fans touched her butt. It was actually L, lifting her cell phone. Might have been copping a feel anyway, though.
    • That might be *how* he planned to disguise his attempt to lift her phone.
      • That brilliant bastard...
    L (looking very guilty): "U-uh... this is an outrage! Taking advantage of this situation is unforgivable! *to Misa* I swear I shall find whoever is responsible for this!" (Misa laughs)
    Random Bystander: "I wanna touch her too!"
  • In Naruto, during the Land of Waves arc, happens to Sakura twice. The first person does it unintentionally because he was trying to steal Sakura's bag. The second time, it was a small boy who does touch her butt, but his intention was to ask her for some food.
  • Neon Genesis Evangelion: Because the tiny elevator is so packed, two people cry "Who's touching me?" and two respond "I can't help it!"
  • Ninin Ga Shinobuden naturally uses this when a Typhoon causes a blackout.
  • Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie has a subtle one of these in its english dub. After Dr. Robotnik and Sarah emerge from the remains of Metal Robotnik before Sonic's "fight" with Metal Sonic.
    Sarah: Just where do you think you're putting your hands?!
    Robotnik: Oh-hoho They are nice!
  • Happens early on to Elizabeth in The Seven Deadly Sins, courtesy of Meliodas. As far as Hawk is concerned, she doesn't mind anywhere near as much as she should.

    Comic Books 
  • Top 10: Sergeant Jackie "Jack Phantom" Kowalski, believes someone is squeezed her bum, the others don't see any guilty party and write it off as stress. It turns out the chair she was sitting in was alive, likely the uncaught shape-shifting criminal "The Ghostly Goose". He looks quite happy.

    Film 
  • From Planes Trains And Automobiles, when John Candy and Steve Martin are sharing a bed...
    Del: Why are you holding my hand?
    Neal: Where's your other hand?
    Del: Between two pillows.
  • Inverted in a cut line in the bed scene of Blazing Saddles; after Lili mutters, "Oh, it's twue, it's twue!", Sheriff Bart responds, "Ma'am, you're sucking on my elbow."
    • Not to mention the 'froggy' incident.
  • Murder by Death: The main characters are seated together around a table. Suddenly the room goes dark.
    Dora Charleston: Dickie, don't! You know how I get when you touch me there!
    Dick Charleston: Not me, darling. I got my hands in my pockets.
    Sam Diamond: I'm afraid they're my pockets.
    Dick Charleston: Oh. Sorry about that.
    Dora Charleston: Dickie, behave yourself!
  • In Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, while the group is crowded together in a hallway, Mrs. Teavee says "Somebody's touching me!" It's Grandpa Joe accidentally touching her shoulder.
  • In the movie Without A Clue, a woman in a pub accuses one the patrons of pinching her bottom while her back was turned. A drunken Sherlock Holmes steps forward and after rambling through the evidence, admits that he did it, and then pinches her again.
  • Casper: Just after the Ghostly Trio have been sucked into a vacuum cleaner and are, for some reason, temporarily stuck inside the bag...
    Stretch: Who's got their pointy head up my
    Fatso: That's not my head.
  • The 1945 film version of State Fair has Margy and Pat ride a roller coaster car through a dark tunnel; one of the female passengers asks her boyfriend not to touch her, then shrieks.
  • In the comedy Water (1985), Michael Caine and a female environmentalist are tied to a tree by Cuban terrorists; Caine has to inform her that it's not his lighter she's grabbed hold of to burn the ropes...
  • Subverted (naturally) by Detective Carter in Rush Hour 2.
    "Who touched my butt?... Do it again!"

    Jokes 
  • Three guys are forced to share a bed because it's the last room in the hotel. In the morning they are waking up.
    Man #1: I had an amazing dream last night, a supermodel was giving me a handjob!
    Man #2: That's odd, I had the same dream.
    Man #3 (in the middle): "Mine was lame. All I was doing was rowing a boat.

    Literature 
  • A Star Trek Expanded Universe novel featured the original series bridge crew cramming into a closet. This included Uhura, who warned someone that their hands were wandering into private property.

    Live Action TV 
  • In one episode of Quantum Leap, Sam and the female lead are caught in a radio studio when the power is cut, leading to the following exchange in the dark:
    Her: HEY!!
    Him: Sorry - I was feeling for the doorknob.
    Her: Wouldn't the doorknob be lower?
  • In the That '70s Show episode "Red Sees Red", Kelso and Donna have to hide under a bed:
    Donna: Kelso, get your hand off my ass.
    Kelso: It was an accident.
    Donna: It's still there.
    Kelso: It's still an accident!
    Donna: Kelso, it's still there!
    Kelso: [Laughs] Yeah.
    • In another episode, the whole gang is crowded inside a small trailer.
      Jackie: Whose hand is that?!
      Hyde, Kelso and Fez [simultaneously]: Mine.
  • Farscape. Rygel and Chiana are locked in an airtight tube while the air is purged from the ship; naturally the lecherous Rygel uses this as a chance for some groping.
  • Used in an episode of Just Shoot Me!, when Finch spotted a pretty girl at a dinner party while standing behind Nina.
    Nina: ...Finch, that better be a breadstick.
  • A Brazilian soap opera had two men washing themselves at a bathtub, both wearing trunks. Then one says something about a "rubber duck". And the other "It's not a duck!". The first one promptly jumps out.
  • Will and Grace: Lampshaded when Karen, Grace, Jack and Rosario are all sleeping bunched up in the back of Karen's limo:
    Karen: Jack? That had better be your penis.
    Grace: I can't do this. I sleep on my left. Turn.
    Jack: Oh, pl—Grace!
    Grace: Come on, come on. (everyone turns on their other side and says good night)
    Karen: Grace? That had better be your penis.
    Grace: It's a thermos, but thank you.
  • The Office: An unusually sweet moment when Pam hugs Michael is ruined:
    Michael: A Chunky. (Pam's eyes widen in horror; he shows her an actual candy bar) Do you want half?
  • In iCarly Halloween episode this happens when Sam and Carly run into a dark closet to escape the "Ghost"
    Sam:Wait Whose butt is this?
    Carly: Sam!
    Sam: Sorry
  • Married... with Children: While playing Twister, Peggy is internally happy that so many people are rubbing her butt; meanwhile, Marcy is secretly unhappy that nobody is rubbing hers, even though "it's way up in the air".
  • In Would I Lie to You? (a show which occasionally features impromptu physical comedy apropos of nothing but the Rule of Funny), Rob Brydon winds up dancing with Christine Bleakley. After she coaches him into getting his body very tight against hers..
    Rob: [slightly flustered] Can I just say... that's my phone.
    • Repeated in the episode in which Rob and Nick Hewer were wearing a "cuddle jumper" (an oversize jumper with two neck holes) and Hewer had to sit on Rob's lap.
      Rob: That's my phone, by the way.
  • Stargate SG-1: Jack and Sam are trapped on a glacier, and are forced to huddle together to keep warm.
    Jack: "It's my side-arm, I swear!"
    • This is actually, it should be noted, played for pathos. Jack is in NO physical shape for the other option at this point, and Sam knows it; they believe they're doomed and Jack is weakly trying to keep things light with his trademark banter.
  • A variation occurs in The Golden Girls when an embarrassed Dorothy is recounting how she hooked up with her ex-husband in a car:
    Blanche: Who made the first move?
    Dorothy: I guess I did. It was dark, and Stan stopped the car... I swear to you, I thought I was setting the parking brake!
    • There's also one where the girls are all in the same bed because the heat went out.
    Rose: There's an icicle on the nose of my bunny slipper *gets in bed*
    Blanche: Get your bunny nose out of my butt!
  • From Police Squad!, when Lt. Drebin confronts a villain inside a steam room:
    Drebin: All right, hands up, Luca! I got a gun in your ribs!
    Mary: I'm not Luca, and those aren't my ribs.
  • The Nanny loved this one two. First, C.C. crawls into bed with who she thinks is Maxwell, but is really Niles.
    Niles: If you're looking for the hot water bottle, that's not it.
    • In another, when Fran and Max are trapped in an blacked-out elevator.
    Max: What are you doing?
    Fran: I'm looking for the emergency phone!
    Max: That's not it.
    Fran: Well, I guess I better stop talking into it.
  • A variation on The Big Bang Theory: Penny falls in the bathtub and dislocates her shoulder. Sheldon helps her get dressed, but with his eyes closed. At one point, after telling him to grab her arm:
    Penny: Is that my arm?
    Sheldon: It doesn't feel like an arm.
    Penny: Then maybe you should let it go.
    • It should be noted that Sheldon is notoriously asexual, which just adds to the humor in the situation.

    Radio 
  • The D Generation did it during a sketch on The Satanic Sketches album:
    Domestos: Here. Take this. The sacred splayd of Damocles.
    Demetrius: And what about this?
    Domestos: DON'T TOUCH THAT!
    Demetrius: Why not?
    Domestos: It's my penis!

    Video Games 
  • In Enslaved: Odyssey to the West, there is such a scene in Pigsy's escape pod (which was designed for one person). "It's just your hand is ... right on my ... Penis."
  • Grandia: the party crawls through the sewers and this exchange occurs with the hero and the Action Girl.
    Justin: "What's this...? It's warm... and squishy."
    Feena: [Armor-Piercing Slap]
  • Variation in Tales of Symphonia: In a Z-skit in the Temple of Darkness, Zelos eagerly explains to Lloyd how much fun darkness is with a girl and how much one can do with her without her knowing. Lloyd immediately tells Sheena that Zelos was the one touching her butt, with Zelos claiming that that he hadn't done anything to her yet in an unsuccessful attempt to prevent retaliation.
    • Fanon seems to have it that Lloyd was the real culprit here.
  • Used in the Hot Springs ending of Tales of Xillia 2, when the guys are all trapped inside Teepo.
    Jude: Hey, guys, I think I found the zipper!
    Gaius: That's not a zipper!
  • In Lunar 2: Eternal Blue Complete, there's a tent in one area known as the Giggle Den that's completely dark inside. One of the NPCs hidden inside will complain of someone grabbing their butt, and nearby is the giggling culprit. He doesn't find it nearly so funny when he finds a bunch of pimples and wrinkles and realizes his target is his own grandfather.
  • In Final Fantasy IX, Zidane reaches for a rung in a ladder the group is rushing up. Garnet is up ahead, and when he grasps something that isn't a rung...
    Zidane: Ooh, soft.

    Webcomics 
  • The Megatokyo strip "f33ling it", during the Megagamers invasion storyline.
  • In The Order of the Stick, Vaarsuvius casts "Invisibility Sphere" to let the party sneak past a group of enemy Mooks. The sphere's radius? Three feet, nine inches. Hilarity Ensues.
    First Voice: Who's groping me??
    Second voice: What?
    First voice: Someone is squeezing my butt!
    Third voice: (clearly Durkon) It not be me!
    Fourth voice: (clearly Vaarsuvius) Nor is it I.
    First voice: Well, somebody's doing it, and they'd better cut it out. Is it you, Belkar? Roy?
    Second voice: Actually, I think Haley's doing it.
    Fifth voice: (clearly Haley) Tee hee. Sorry, Elan.
  • In Schlock Mercenary, everybody's favourite carbosilicate amorph ends up with bits of him lodged... places... when he and Kevin (among others) crash from a great height into water.
  • Sequential Art's Art and Kat end up stuck or hiding in a closet twice.
    "Broom handle!!"
    • But subverted a moment later:
    Well stop rubbing your arse against me!
  • Insecticomics, during the blackout:
    Kickback: Whose hand is that?
    Thunderblast: Depends. Whose aft is that?
    Kickback: Hi, Thunderblast.

    Web Original 
  • In one Homestar Runner Halloween 'toon, "3 Times Halloween Funjob", Homestar encounters this problem when Strong Sad's seance appears to cause a blackout.
    Bubs: Yep, I've dealt with this before. Lights: definitely out.
    Homestar: ...And somebody's a-grabbin' a-my butt.
    • Also happens in the Strong Bad E-mail "senior prom", when the lights suddenly go out at the "Entrapment All Up On the Moon" Dance:
      Marzipan: Hey, watch those hands, David Coppafeel!
      Homestar: Yeah, David!
  • I'm a Marvel... and I'm a DC plays this straight too in the second season, when Batman and Green Goblin have been captured by the Joker and Batman instructs Goblin to reach into his pocket...
    Goblin: GOAAUUW! What?!
    Batman: That's not a pocket!
  • When most of the cast of Red vs. Blue have to squeeze into a tank, there are some variants of this line said. Simmon openly asks if Donut is there too.

    Western Animation 
  • Justice League, "The Savage Time": The league is riding a rocket train, which abruptly starts and throws them all into a pile. Then:
    Hawkgirl: ...Whose hand is that?
    Flash: [pulling his hand from what almost certainly was her boob] Sorry!
  • The Simpsons have done it (of course) even if it wasn't the rectal area. When Homer gets the town to make the world's tallest human pyramid, Jimbo says to Kearney "Dude, you're touching my hand!" Both pull back and the pyramid collapses. After the fallout, we see Jimbo lying on the ground and Kerney collapsed on top of him. Jimbo: "Dude, you're lying on my legs!...Dude?"
  • Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, when Phil Ken Sebben is going through his pocket looking for his keys:
    "...flamethrower, Ring of Power, roll of quarters...wait, that's not a..."
    • And from the finale:
    Peanut: Whose hand is that? beat Oh, wait. It's mine!
  • In an episode of Teen Titans, when the team collapses in a pile:
    Starfire: Someone's claws are on my grebnacks!
    Beast Boy: My bad. [wet suction cup sound]
  • The James and the Giant Peach film has this:
    Earthworm: Ow! Somebody pinched me!
    Centipede: Sorry, I thought you were the spider.
    Grasshopper: [smack] Ouch! What was that?
    Miss Spider: Excuse, I thought you were the centipede.
  • Frisky Dingo: "Yeah, that's not a pickle."
    • "I know. It's your penis."
      • "My penis. My peeeenis..."
  • Sealab 2021, when two football teams are squeezed into a small room:
    Robot 8: Who is grabbing my ass back there?
    Stormy: Is it me?
    Robot 8: I don't know, do that again.
    Stormy: What, uh, that?
    Robot 8: Yes, now keep doing it.
  • Total Drama Action: The lights go out during the Train Murder Mystery episode.
    Lindsay: "Something brushed up against my leg!"
    Beth: "Something brushed up against my leg!"
    Harold: "I keep brushing up against things that feel suspiciously like legs!"
  • In Squidbillies, Krystal is blocking the entrance to the local convenience store with her bulk, and a crowd of people have gathered around behind her.
    Krystal: Who touched my ass!?...Do it again, that feels good.
  • In Flushed Away, when Roddy and Rita are chained back to back, Rita tells Roddy to get a paperclip to pick the lock out of her back pocket. Judging my her shriek immediately afterwards, it's safe to assume that he... missed.